Why Scootaloo Doesn't Talk to Her Parents
The Only Chapter of this Monstrosity
“Hey, Mom. Have you ever played sex? ‘Cuz, I just found out about it today, and it’s great!”
Scootaloo’s mother, a rather demure lilac pegasus with a pink mane, sea-blue eyes, and a cutie mark in the painting of fine china, spewed her tea all over her daughter.
Her father, a muscular earth pony with a deep green coat, a violet mane, orange eyes, and a cutie mark in fixing bicycles, slowly blinked, his mouth falling open.
“What?” she asked, shifting her gaze between her less than responsive parents. They slowly turned to face each other, eyes wide. “Mom? Dad? You okay?” Her smile fell as her parents continued to ignore her.
“Sweetie?” mumbled her father, slowly returning his vision to Scootaloo. She was covered in tea and mud and had an unidentifiable white substance all over her face.
“Yes?” she asked slowly, drawing out the word.
“Why don’t you go upstairs and clean up. We’ll be up in a moment.”
“Uh . . . you sure you’re okay?”
Her parents nodded.
Shrugging, Scootaloo ran up the stairs.
After she was gone, and her little hoofsteps had disappeared into the bathroom, the sound of running water could be heard. “What are we going to do, Wrench?” breathed the mare.
“I . . . I don’t know, China. . . . But know what I need.”
“What?”
Wrench left his wife on the sofa and quickly trotted into the kitchen. Reaching up into the highest cupboard, he grasped the hidden bottle of extra strength vodka and pulled it out. Adding two wine glasses to his load, he returned to China. Silently, he poured them each a full glass. While the shower ran, the two drank their beverages, absorbed in their thoughts.
As they finished their drinks, they heard the water shut off.
“Hey . . . uh . . . Scootaloo?” called China, once she heard the bathroom door open.
“Yeah, Mom?”
“Who did you have sex with?”
“Oh, lots of ponies! There was Rumble and Apple Bloom and Featherweight and Sweetie Belle and Pipsqueak and Button Mash!” She paused. “And, of course, Big Mac and Rainbow! It’s even more fun when you do it all together!”
The pair shared another look. “We’ll be up in a minute; wait in your room!” her father yelled. Then their eyes drifted to the still-full bottle of vodka. Wrench, making the wisest choice possible, quickly chugged down half the bottle and passed it to his wife, who finished it. Gagging slightly on the aftertaste, they struggled to their hooves and trotted up to stairs to their daughter.
Pausing outside the door, they took a deep breath in unison. Wrench pushed the door open, trotted into the room, and was followed by China.
Scootaloo was waiting patiently, reading the latest copy of Wonderbolts Weekly, and didn’t bother looking up as her parents walked in. “Yeah?”
“. . . So how exactly did you have . . . sex with all those other ponies?” asked Wrench.
Holding up her hoof, she mumbled, “Give me a sec. I wanna finish this.”
“Scootaloo,” he rumbled, “this is important.”
Closing the magazine, she rolled her eyes and grunted. “Fine. You see, there I was, all bored and stuff. When all of a sudden, Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom walked up. And you’ll never guess that they were bored too. But anyways, we were all bored and then the colts walked up. Now normally, we don’t usually hang around them, but Rainbow Dash was leading them to our clubhouse—and, uh, I guess Big Mac was there too. We got kinda curious and asked what they wanted. Rainbow Dash was smiling really big and said that she need some more players for a special game—oh, and Big Mac was smiling too. Anyways, we all went in the clubhouse and did sex! And after that, we did hot sex, wet sex, and then finally, hard sex—that’s my favorite. And let me tell you, Big Mac is a beast! But eventually, we had to home ‘cuz we were getting a bit sore from the wooden floor—we should probably play it on a bed next time or something so we can play for even longer. And then I walked home and tripped in some mud. Oh, and I ate a cupcake. A really big cupcake.” Taking deep breaths, she licked her lips and smiled at her parents.
Who happened to be slightly green.
“I’m so sorry, Scootaloo,” started her mother. “I knew we should have had The Talk, but I was afraid if it getting awkward. Because of my laziness . . .” Tears poured down her face as she collapsed against Wrench. “This is all my fault!”
“What are you talking about, Mom? It’s just a game.”
“Y-you’re too young to-to-to have sex!” China wailed. “I trusted Rainbow! I trusted Big Mac! How could they do this to you!”
Wrench offer a comforting hoof to China and stroked her mane.“Calm down, dear. We need to sort this out. And I’m going to call the Royal Guard on those—”
“The Royal Guard? Why do we need them?” asked Scootaloo, ears falling against her head as her mother continued to sob.
“What Rainbow and Big Mac did was a serious crime,” her father replied.
“How is playing cards a crime?”
The gears in the parent’s heads ground to a stop. “W-what d-did you say?” stuttered her mother.
“I asked how playing cards with some pretty cool ponies—and, you know, Rainbow Dash—is a crime?” Her eyes kept glancing from her father to her mother and back again.
“Huh? Wait . . . what? This is about a card game?” asked her father while China gently dabbed at her eyes.
“Yeah! Didn’t I say that?” Her ears perked up hopefully as she smiled.
Her parents remained silent for a long time, prompting her ears to fall flat again.
“What did you think I meant?” she asked.
Her parents—emotionally devastated, mostly drunk, and a bit disappointed that their date night hadn’t gone the way they wanted—had just been through quite a bit. So it’s hard to blame them for what happened next.
“I think it’s time we had The Talk with you,” stated China.
“But I’ve got a better idea. Why don’t we show you instead. I think it will be a much better education for you.”
“I think that’s a great idea, honey.” Her mother smiled warmly.
“Show me what?”
“Sex.”
The sound of horrified, glass-shattering screams prompted concerned neighbors to file noise complaints.
“Can’t believe you two! How could you do this, Rainbow?!” If Twilight had been any more angry, she would have erupted into flames; but as it stood, smoke wafted from her mane, and the ground smouldered under her hooves.
“I, ummmmm . . .” mumbled Rainbow, gently rubbing one of the metal bars that made up her prison cell; lowering her head, she wouldn’t meet the alicorn’s penetrating gaze.
“Discord put you up to this. Didn't he.”
Rainbow nodded slowly. “He made it sound like fun.”
“And you!” Twilight locked her eyes on Big Mac, who was in the same cage as Rainbow. “I thought you of all ponies were above something like this!”
“. . . Eenope,” he mumbled quietly, also not meeting her eyes.
“Rainbow talked you into this, didn’t she?”
“Eeyup.”
“How?”
“Said we could try somethin’ new in the bedroom if Ah did.” A red coat doesn’t show blushes very well, but a blind foal could have seen his blush; and Twilight could feel the heat coming from Rainbow’s face, even though it was almost a foot away.
“Rainbow, what could have possibly drove you to terrify all those ponies?”
“It seemed like a good idea at the time,” muttered Rainbow, ears flat against her head.
Twilight sighed and shook her head. “And now you’re in jail until Princess Celestia arrives. You’ll have to answer to her, now. You didn’t think this through, did you?”
“Eenope. But it was worth it.”
Eyes blank, Scootaloo aimless wandered around, her mind replaying the scene over and over in her mind. She couldn’t get the sounds out of her head, either: they bounced around in her skull, burning themselves into her memory.
And worst of all, they kept stopping to show her a closer detail and expound upon why it is wrong until one is old enough and married. What it is. Explaining the parts. The actions. The way her dad and her mom did things to each other—
One thing was for certain: she would never be caught dead doing that.
Smacking her face on a door, she snapped out of her musings. She slowly looked around, trying to determine where she was.
Surprisingly enough, Rumble answered the door a minute later. “Hyah, Scootaloo.” He smiled and motioned her inside.
Her lips hardly moved when she spoke, and her eyes didn’t blink nearly enough. “Thanks.” She slowly ambled inside.
“Did you parents give you The Talk, too?” he asked as they trotted over to a sofa and sat down.
“You could say that. Mind if I stay here for a few days? Or weeks? I don’t know if I can ever look at them again.”
“That bad, huh?”
She nodded.
“Sure.” He grinned.
They sat in silence for a few moments.
“Let’s get our minds off it.” He picked up a nearby deck of cards and held it up. “Want to play some se—er . . .” He started blushing.
Scootaloo almost threw up.
“Sorry.”
She stared off into the distance.
“Now, what did Rainbow tell us we could also call it?”
Swallowing her bile, she shook her head. “I don’t remember. . . .”
“Ah! I got it. Want to do some meth?”
Author's Note
