Drunken songs

by Natdug

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 4599

A storyteller and a musician walk into a pub, both convinced that their form of entertainment is superior. This is the story of two stallions, art, and alcohol.

The storytelling adventurer Night Dew has followed his friend into a pub, and is bored out of his mind. Luckily, before the boredom actually kills him, he runs into the musician Cloversong, who has been playing at the pub for a while.

Night Dew of course does the only rational thing and starts to prove that storytelling is a way superior form of entertainment. The musician does not seem to agree.

This is the story of two stallions, art and alcohol.

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Cover art by: Shila Da Lioness

Published 2014-04-26 18:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-26 18:00:01 UTC

Drunken songs

"Biiird. I'm bored"

Bird Chaser sighed and looked at his friend that laid demonstratively across his chair. "I never asked you to tag along, you know." On the other side of the table, his drinking buddies started to look at them funny. "In fact, if you keep tagging along to everything I do, somepony might start to get the wrong idea. Why don't you just run along and do something else?"

"Fine," Night Dew replied, jumping down from his chair "If this is your idea of fun I guess I can think of better things to do." He left the table behind and headed for the bar. "Stupid Bird Chaser."

Night Dew was a dark purple unicorn with a black mane and a cutie mark displaying a drop of water getting dissolved into magic energy.

"A mug of cider," he said, addressing the mare behind the bar. He really couldn't see what was so appealing about this kind of establishment; a lot of ponies sitting around getting more and more drunk, while a musician who seemed to be just as drunk sat at the stage singing. 'Hmmp, might as well go with the flow,' he thought. "Hard cider."

"As you wish" the barmare replied, emptying the mug of the bit of regular cider she had already poured in and refilled it with the house's strongest. She passed it over the counter and received the bits in return. "So, what got you down?"

"What doesn't?" He took a big sip from his drink. "Why do ponies even come here? Just to get drunk? I could do that for half the bits at home."

The barmare looked a little worried at the speed with which he emptied his mug. "Are you sure that's a good-"

"And what's with that singer? Does he even know more than five songs? I think that's the third time he sang that one." He put down his now empty mug. "Give me another one."

"That's Cloversong." She explained while pouring some more hard cider. "He's been coming in here the last week or so, we give him free drinks in return for the entertainment."

Night Dew snorted and looked over at the musician. He was a yellow-ish earth pony with a brown mane and a music note shaped as a three leaf clover for a cutie mark. "You call that entertainment? There's no excitement or anything, it's just a matter of learning a few songs and then keep repeating them to a drunken audience."

"You think you can do any better?"

"I most certainly can, I happen to be an excellent storyteller." He sat down his now second empty mug.

The barmare already had the third ready and a smile on her lips. "Prove it, and this one's on me."

As the last chord rolled off his guitar, Cloversong looked out over his audience. "Thank you!" The few that were actually paying attention gave a small applause, and he took another sip from his drink. Pub goers were always a hard audience as they came mostly for the drinks and only considered the music pleasant background noise.

Nevertheless, he loved playing at pubs; the atmosphere was fantastic, the barmares were pleasing, the free alcohol was always great and the barmares were charming. Did he mention barmares? Of course it wasn't all about them, a pub had other qualities too, like female pub goers.

"This next song goes out to all the mares in here." Not counting the barmare, that made a total of two. He lifted his hoof to strike a chord, but never got on with that as his entire body froze, encased in a magic glow, and was lifted off the edge of the stage.

Night Dew entered from the other side, his horn glowing from the levitation spell: "I think you've had the stage long enough."

He was about to set down Cloversong when the spell suddenly stopped with a fizzling sound, and he fell the last bit of the way. The unicorn's head spun, and he vaguely remembered some guidelines about magic and alcohol; he dismissed them, however, as he had more pressing matters.

"Gather around," he said, addressing the entire room. "And let me tell you the story of how I defied death and went face to face with a fearsome dragon!" He began drawing attention, though that might just as well be due to the fact that he had just thrown the musician off stage. "It all began when I visited a small-"

"Hey! What the hay are you doing?" Cloversong was back on his hoofs.

Night Dew raised an eyebrow. "Telling a story?" they stared at each other for a few seconds before he continued. "As I was saying, I was visiting a small village when-"

"Get off my stage." The musician was back on the stage.

"I think you'll find that its the pub's- whoa!" He was interrupted as he was simply pushed off stage by the earth pony.

"Now, if you don't mind - " Cloversong again turned his attention to the audience, which by this point was growing rapidly, and picked up his guitar.

"Oh, it is on." Night Dew got up and, with a surprisingly well aimed jump, tackled the stallion on stage who in turn rolled around, trying to get the unicorn off stage again, but was unsuccessful.

The crowd started cheering as the wrestle for the stage continued. Cloversong had managed to get himself on top. "'That all you got?"

"'Course not." The unicorn's horn lit up, and the musician had enough sense to back up. Nothing happened, however, except for a pony in the audience suddenly getting tripped, apparently by nothing.

"Seems to me like you should work a bit on your magic." Both stallions were now back on their hoofs, circling each other.

"Phht. I'll have you know that I'm an expert in magic." Despite his claim, Night Dew decided for a more physical approach and charged at his opponent. He never got far, though, as something had grabbed his tail and was now holding him back.

Behind them, an oversized earth pony stallion had appeared, talking with his mouth full of tail. "I think it's time you call it a night"

"Thank you," Cloversong replied, "some ponies just-"

"Both of you."

"What?" His protests went unheard as he was grabbed by the neck and dragged along with Night Dew towards the exit.

However, halfway there, they were intercepted by the barmare who addressed the stallion. "Sorry to interfere Sturdy, but could you please let them go?" He stopped but didn't answer. "I'm not telling you how to do your work, but I believe this is my fault."

"Fine;" the two were finally let free. "But I'll be keeping an eye on them."

"Thanks" she drew a relieved sigh as Sturdy walked away. "Sorry about that, colts. Drinks on me."

They followed her to the bar where she poured them two mugs of hard cider as they sat down. After a while in awkward silence Cloversong finally decided to speak. "So, that was her doing?"

The sudden conversation surprised Night Dew, who finished his mug before replying: "Well, she promised me free cider if I proved I was a better entertainer than you."

"Better than me?" he paused a moment while his inebriated brain processed the information. "What do you even do? Just tell stories?"

"Not just stories. Stories about my adventures!" The unicorn's spirits had risen quickly, and he was now blabbing away happily. "Like when I had to defend an entire village from a pack of wild timber wolfs using only my-"

"Hold on" the musician interrupted to the storyteller's great dislike. "First of all, do you expect me to actually believe that? And second. Really? Do you really think ponies would rather listen to a fairytale?"

"Yes, and definitely yes." He rethought the last statement for a few seconds. "Except that part about it being a fairytale."

Cloversong broke down laughing. "Oh, you're really something." He finished his drink. "'Tell ya what. Night Dew, was it?"

The unicorn blinked a few times, actually thinking before he answered ,"Yes?"

"'Tell ya what, Dew. The ponies who come here are not foals." He glanced at one of the mares. "Not at all foals." Silence arose as the musician seemed to have lost his train of thought staring at the mare.

"Are you going anywhere with this?"

"What?"

"You were saying something about foals."

"Right! The ponies here are not foals."

Another pause occurred before Night Dew took up the thread. "You already said that. What's your point?"

"My point is," Cloversong was finally back on track; "ponies come here to drink and have fun. Not to listen to fairy tales."

"Stories," the unicorn corrected.

"Whatever."

"And you're wrong. Ponies, even drunk ones, want entertainment. Something with excitement, something engaging, something that..." he trailed off and decided after a moment that the answer probably lay at the bottom of another mug of cider, so he ordered one.

In the meantime, the earth pony took it as his clue to carry on. "Ponies want art! Something with feelings, something that actually requires skills."

"Oh please, you call that art?" Night Dew had for once stopped halfway through his cider. "Everypony can learn five songs and a few chords. No, true art captures an audience, leaves them breathless and-"

"And bored out of their mind," Cloversong interrupted. "Nopony wants to listen to your stupid stories."

"As if anypony was listening to your stupid songs." The two once again felt silent, only staring at each other. The storyteller finished his cider and added "You suck."

The musician gently put down his mug and took a deep breath. "Okay. That does it." He then proceed to tackle the unicorn head on.

A few moments later in front of the pub, the door was opened and two stallions were sent flying towards the sidewalk.

Cloversong regained his composure and yelled at the now closed entrance:"Hey! What about my guitar?" The door was reopened and the instrument followed its owner.

"Now look what you did" Night Dew grumbled.

"What I did?" The earth pony looked sincerely offended "I'm pretty sure you were the one who threw me of the stage."

"It was in everypony's best interests, you were getting too drunk anyway."

"Dude, unlike you, apparently, I'm not even close to being too drunk."

The unicorn snorted. "Me? Please. I could go for way more than this."

"Ha, I bet you couldn't go for half as much as me."

"And I bet that you'll be under the table long before I even start to feel the effects."

The two entertainers stared at each other for a moment, then Cloversong stated: "There’s another pub two streets from here."

"You're on."

"And then he just told me to get lost." Night Dew added yet another empty mug to the pile that was rapidly growing at the side of the table where they has seated themselves.

"That’s harsh, mate."

"Yer, I mean, what kind of a friend would rather drink with complete strangers than hang with his best bud?"

Cloversong thought for a moment before answering, "Your friend?"

"Exactly!" He hammered his hoof into the table making the still full mugs slosh. "Wait, what?"

"Ehhhh.. Bottoms up!"

Some more cider later, Night Dew went on: "You know what Clover? You're not so bad once you get to know you, you know?"

"Once I get what?" He shook his head trying to make sense of the sentence but gave up. "Never mind." Then an idea hit him. "Let's get some real alcohol."

"Real alcohol?" Night Dew asked nopony, as his drinking buddy had already left for the bar, returning a few moments later with two glasses containing a dark yellow liquid. Night Dew took the one he was handed and looked at it a while before sniffing at it; smelled like smoke. "What is this?"

"Whiskey," the musician exclaimed. "Best of the house. Cheers." He took a sip and then looked at the unicorn who was still eying the beverage. "Anything wrong?"

"What? No."

"You never had whiskey before?"

"Until earlier, I had never even had any hard cider to speak of." He froze for a moment realizing what he had just admitted. Across the table, the earth pony was looking at him halfway in disbelief, so he did the only thing his brain could come up with and emptied the glass.

What followed was a series of grimaces and frowns that almost sent Cloversong to the floor laughing.

"Yuck! That's horrible." Night Dew almost spat out the words and grew annoyed when he received no other reply than a continuous laughter. "What?"

"You." The musician managed to to say between laughs. "You're adorable."

The unicorn's face went red and he started stuttering, "I... I...", which of course did nothing to stop the earth pony from laughing. He finally pulled himself enough together to yell: "No I'm not!"

"Your pouting does absolutely nothing to disprove me."

"A... And what about you?" He was getting mad.

"What about me?"

"You're dumb and stupid and..."

"Go on."

"And talentless."

The last statement finally made Cloversong stop laughing. "I'm talentless?" He leaned sideways so he could see the unicorn's cutie mark. "What exactly is your special talent?"

Night Dew posed proudly before answering. "Everything."

The musician snorted and almost broke down laughing again. "Riiiight."

"And what's yours? I mean. it can't be music. Or maybe the three leaves on your cutie mark represent the three songs you know."

"I know way more than that," Cloversong's voice became more serious at the insult. "But what about you? I bet you don’t even know one full song."

"Oh please. Everypony can sing."

"Is that so?" The musician took his guitar and handed it over to Night Dew "Show me."

"I... eh..." His mind sped up trying to figure out a way out of the corner he had gotten himself into. "Why... Don't you..." An idea popped up. "Why don't you show me that you can do something that requires talent?"

"Like telling fairy tales?"

"Like storytelling."

Cloversong thought for a moment. "Okay, deal."

"Wait, what?"

The musician turned storyteller scouted the room for a stage. Finding none, he instead jumped onto the nearest empty table. The unicorn followed his example, taking a table not far from his. Then nether of them did anything, both realizing that they had no idea what they were doing.

Night Dew was the first to act, how hard could it be? He just had to sing something. He took the first word that came to mind and went with it, "Cider", then strummed the strings a few times. It was okay, so he went again, "Cider!" Yup, he was definitely on to something. "Cider;" this song was practically writing itself, now for the big finish: "Alcohol. Alcohol. Alcohol. Cider." And a hit song had been made. At lest he was pretty sure of it.

A few tables away the new cider "song" finally got Cloversong his resolve back. Okay, true, he couldn’t remember any fairytale right now, but he had experienced things worth retelling. "So peeps," he began, trying go gather a crowd. A few ponies were starting to give them curious looks. Close enough. "I once met this mare right? Darn, could she drink. And one day- Could you keep it down over there?"

The third repetition of "Cider", as Night Dew had currently named his "song," echoed through the pub. This was going pretty good. He took a deep breath ready do give it its fourth go: "Cider" - and never got any further as he was interrupted by an empty mug to the head.

"Keep it down, I said." Cloversong cleared his throat. "Anyway, this mare was totally into me and one- yikes." He managed a last minute dodge as the mug was sent flying back at him. "Oh. So it's a war you want." He picked up two mugs and threw at his target, both missing terribly.

"Phht, it's a pretty pathetic war if one side can't hit," Night Dew teased, then threw another mug at his opponent, but missed just as terribly.

"You're one to talk? For a pony claiming to be talented at everything you're failing an awful lot." His taunt was answered with another flying mug, this one actually hitting a front leg, not really hurting though. "If that's what to expect of a 'magic expert' I guess I don't have much to fear."

"You want magic?" The unicorn levitated a mug. "I'll show you magic." Pressure began building up behind the mug, gradually becoming visible in the form of a slowly turning tornado of magic energy.

"Impressive, you can make some pretty effects." Cloversong chuckled. "Any other party tricks?"

Night Dew smiled. "Yes. What about this?" and with those words he released the spell setting in motion several events. First he was thrown off the table by the recoil; the wave of pressure then continued towards its intended target, knocking over every table on its way before hitting and sending the earth pony to the floor. Finally, the mug fell in the exact spot that it had been levitated, completely unaffected by the burst.

The guests that had been within the range of the spell got on their hooves and started to leave the area. Cloversong searched around behind the flipped table that now served as a shield and found a mug that by some miracle had not lost its content. "Okay Dew, I'll give you that. That actually was impressive."

After regaining his senses, the unicorn got up and took cover behind another flipped table. "Told you."

"That you did." The musician sloshed the liquid around in the mug. Throwing it would be a waste of perfectly good cider. On the other hoof, drinking another pony's cider was a completely unthinkable act. Thinking about it, using it as ammunition was properly the best option, and so he threw it.

The mug hit something. Not Night Dew, nor the table he was hiding behind. "And you still can't aim." He looked up from behind his cover. "Now lo-" a strict looking unicorn mare stood between them, her mane soaked in cider. Without saying anything, she lifted both of them with her magic, and a few moments later the two got reacquainted with the sidewalk.

They stared at each other for some time until Cloversong finally got up. "You saw that? She totally digs me."

Night Dew ignored him. "Next pub?"

"Next pub."

"Anyway," the musician continued after taking another sip from his cider. "This dumb old stallion lived right above of me in the attic. And every night he would play his viol loudly, making it almost impossible to sleep."

"Some ponies." Night Dew rolled his eyes and grabbed for another mug, but found it sadly empty.

"I know, right? And he wasn't even playing a real song. So one evening I snuck into his room and hid his viol. I swear I could literally hear him splitting his room apart looking for it. It was hilarious."

"Ha, shows him we're out of cider."

Cloversong blinked a few times. "What?"

"The mugs are empty."

"Oh." He checked them himself. "That makes a lot more sense. Hold on." He then headed for the bar.

Left behind with nothing else to do, Night Dew inspected the pub. It seemed newer than the other two and maybe as a result had fewer guests. It had a stage, though, but it was not currently in use.

The musician returned with a bunch of new mugs, and two glasses of liquor. "Saw they had this, 'think you'll like it."

"What's this?" The unicorn took the glass. "More whiskey?"

"No, no not at all. Try it."

Night Dew closed his eyes and slowly took a sip, then opened them wide, his pupils growing almost to the size of his eyeballs. "It... Tastes... Like... Caramel..."

"Like it?"

"I love you, dude." He then emptied the rest of the glass making Cloversong chuckle.

The earth pony took a sip from his drink, then, looking around, he came to a sudden realization. "Night Dew."

"Yes?"

"'Where's my guitar?"

The question called for thinking. And so he did, before finally concluding. "Back at the last pub. I think."

"Right." He remembered now. Then another thing hit him. "Night Dew."

"Yes?"

"Did you leave my guitar at the last pub?"

This question was easier, yet it somehow felt very important how he answered. "Maaaybe?"

"Right." The earth pony considered his options. "I think I may have to hurt you."

"Yikes." The unicorn barely dodged a punch. "We'll get it tomorrow."

"But I need it."

"No, you don't."

Cloversong hesitated for a second. "Depending on what you mean by that I might have to hurt you again."

"As if you co-" Night Dew stopped mid sentence as he remembered that he was not trying to taunt the musician. "I'm a unicorn, remember?"

"And so?"

"And so I can do magic. Including making sounds and music."

They went silent again as Cloversong thought about the option and Night Dew got some more cider in him. "You know. That does sound useful."

"It does, doesn't it?" The unicorn replied, taking a small break from chugging his drink. "I love magic."

"Alright, let's do this."

"Do wha-"

The earth pony had gotten on his hooves and started dragging Night Dew towards the stage; Dew, in turn, spilled the remaining contents of his mug. Once there, he positioned them both. "Okay. Go."

"Right." The unicorn started concentrating - this was his chance to shine. Okay, maybe he had never actually done this before, and might still be a bit drunk, but how hard could it be? He focused his energy and cast the spell; a single continuous red beam of light sprung from his horn, sounding the note A. He was getting somewhere!

"Excuse me." Another unicorn had gotten up to the stage looking concerned. "Should you really be casting and drinking at the same-"

"Don't worry." Night Dew cut her off. "I'm a magic talent. I know what I'm doing."

Besides him Cloversong, not sure what to do with the monotone, decided to join in a few notes higher, making it a two-part harmony. The resonance started making vibrations and a few ponies covered their ears. "Hey Dew." The musician interjected after a breath break. "Do you think you could add an E too?"

"Sure." He had no idea which note was an E. "Just give me a second." He started fiddling around with the spell in his head, trying to duplicate and modify it; meanwhile his co-performer started his note again. "Okay, here goes."

A second light beam manifested from the unicorn's horn, this one blue and making a note that was most likely not an E. However, in the short moment it was active before everypony in the room threw themselves down, covering their ears, it managed to shatter every glass within three tables' reach.

After regaining most of his hearing, Cloversong got back up. "That was awesome!" He shook his head. "Let's do that again!"

Night Dew sprung to action from the praise. "Okay." His horn lit up, but the spell fizzled as he got distracted by the sound of two heavy hooves stomping onto the stage.

They turned their attention to the rather large stallion who had just entered the scene. None of the three said anything for what seemed like minutes until Cloversong finally spoke. "Right. Door's that way... We know."

Back outside, the duo wandered aimlessly down a street. "Hey, look what I got!" Night Dew suddenly exclaimed, hovering a bottle of the caramel tasting liquor and taking a sip from it.

"Where'd you get that?"

The unicorn stopped to think. "Ehhhm... not sure. 'Want some?"

"Sure." He grabbed the bottle and drank a share. "So where to?"

"I dunno." He shrugged "Next pub?"

"I think that was the last one."

"Wait." Night Dew stopped again. "You're telling me that you got us thrown out of every pub in town?"

"I did?" Cloversong started yelling. "You're the one who can't control your magic!"

"What? I can control my magic just fine! You're the one who told me to make the E of doom!"

"That was most certainly not an E."

"It was pretty cool though." The unicorn stated.

"True. But that's not the point."

"Oh, and what is the point?"

"That you're a self-obsessed foal with no magical talent to speak of who actually think that grown ponies want to listen to fairy tales."

Night Dew stood baffled for a few seconds. "And. And you're a five number musician wannabe who suffers from the delusion that any mare would ever be with you."

Silences fell as the two stallions tried to stare down each other. Then Cloversong took up the thread. "You have no concept of how to interact with other ponies."

"And you can only interact with mares. And you suck at that."

"Your cutie mark makes no sense."

"Your singing sucks."

"And you can't sing at all."

"I can so. But I'm not trying to get by on it."

"I'm doing fine at that though." The musician noted.

"Getting paid in alcohol, you're nothing nothing more than an alcoholic mare hunter."

"Says the pony trying to be the hero of his own fairytale."

"Hey, at least I'm doing something."

"You live in a fantasy."

"You have no imagination."

"You look like a filly."

"And you look stupid."

Cloversong took a few seconds before stating: "You might be the most innocent colt I've ever met."

"And. And you-" The unicorn never got further as he was cut of by a sudden kiss from the musician.

Mornings. Cloversong hated mornings, and this one was worse than most. Not only did he have to deal with hangovers, but Celestia seemed to think that shining ponies in the eyes was an excellent way to wake them up. He squinted at the window; didn't they have curtains? Speaking of... Where was he? At least he was in a bed, that was already better than some mornings he had had.

Turning around, he ended with his face buried in black hair - he was not alone. Memories of the previous night began to return. Purple fur. Then it hit him. "No! No, no, no." With each word he backed up a little more, finally making him fall out of bed with a loud bump.

At the other side of the bed his partner awoke; slowly sitting up, he spotted the earth pony heading for the door. "Clover?"

"Th- This never happened!" Cloversong then left the room, leaving behind one very confused unicorn.

Night Dew scouted the room. Where was he?

Author's Note

A good friend of mine (Cloversong) asked me to write a story with his Cloversong and my Night Dew. Naturally I declined. Then one evening when he was bugging me about it I suddenly thought: "Hey, what if they went to a pub?" And thus this fic came to be.

About half of this story was written while drinking mead and rum (not mixed, eww) and listening to countless Irish folk songs on Pandora. You know, to get into it.

Aaaaand, just because I love continuity. This story is canon with The God Talent and takes place sometimes before it. In case you want more Night Dew, that is the place to go.