My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic: Tanks are also Magic

by Volkenstein

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Crossover, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Other
Length: 3581

What happens when you put ponies in tanks and make them battle to the semi-kinda-death? read and find out!

With just a few hundred easy payments, the Flim Flam al-

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And in the news today, Emperor T-

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HEY THERE, TANKIST! ARE YOU BORED OF SITTING AROUND THE HOUSE ALL DAY? DO YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO CRUSH YOUR ENEMIES WITH METAL BOXES? IS YOUR NAME SVEN?!
THEN COME ON DOWN TO THE TANKE SHOPPE THAT WE HAVE RECENTLY OPENED NEAR YOU, AND YOU TOO CAN BE MIGHTY TANK COMMANDER LIKE...........APPARENTLY PONYKIND DIDN'T REALLY HAVE A FAMOUS ONE! COME ON DOWN ANYWAY!

Published 2014-04-26 23:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-14 19:37:54 UTC

Chapter 1

“Ready, girls?”

“Ready to go live!” came a rather bubbly voice over the radio, just above the rumble of the engine. Several more voices following behind confirming their status.

“Ready, sugarcube!” drawled out another voice. “At least... I think so,” it added, uncertainty evident in its voice.

“Of course, darling. I still wish you would have let me make this thing less...drab and unsightly, though,” came a refined voice, one that had been asking to recolour her choice ever since they joined up.

“You know it!” came a brash voice soon afterwards, eager to start. “Lets show these guys how it’s done!” it added on, clearly pumped for what was about to happen.

“I... guess I’m ready too..” came the last timid voice, barely being heard over the engine, even with the radio headset full blast.

“Alright, girls, let’s do this by the book and we should have no problems!” the last voice almost beamed back. Sitting back in the chair, Twilight Sparkle shifted gears and placed her hoof over a button labeled “ready”. With a deep breath she pressed down on it. She heard a click as it lit green, and a new unknown computer voice started to countdown in her headset, “5...4...3…” She looked around the cabin of her tank, a cheap block of a thing the provider called a Renault, making sure she was all ready. This was gonna be a new experience…”..2…1...Begin!”

With a rumble of engines, the team of 6 rushed forward!....or crawled forward as the case may be with most of them as the brash voice almost immediately came back on the headset. “Are you bucking kidding me with this?!” it yelled, causing Twilight to sigh to herself.

“Rainbow, you know the trainee tanks wouldn’t be very good.. even the..NS-31, was it?” she explained. She got a annoyed grunt in response; the rest moved along without complaint, or direction, as the case may be.

With her Turret-cam, Twilight watched the group veer off in whatever direction they felt like, in particular Pinkie’s Otsu zipping away into the undergrowth by itself. “P-Pinkie! We have to stick together!” Twilight blurted out as she disappeared from view.

“Don’t worry your little head, Twilight, I’m just gonna say hi to the other team then come back.” Pinkie responded matter-of-factly. Before Twilight could retort, she noticed something….Fluttershy in her Leichttraktor wasn’t with them. Looking back, she could see why...it hadn’t even moved from the start position…
This time, however, it wasn’t Twilight but Rarity in her Vickers who spoke up, reversing back beside Fluttershy’s tank. “Oh, come now, Fluttershy, this will be fun!” she said. All she got was a barely-audible retort from the the radio, much to Rarity’s annoyance. She revved up and started to nudge Fluttershy from behind.

Watching this display, Twilight could only roll her eyes as she moved to help Rarity…very slowly moving into position behind Fluttershy, Dash might of had a point. “Come on, we all need to work together as a team,” she argued down the headset, trying to coax Fluttershy into moving by herself.

“B-But aren't tanks loud and scary and...v-violent?” was the timid reply.

At this point Pinkie and Dash had already driven off, leaving Applejack in her Cunningham to try and be the voice of reason once again. “Come on, sugarcube, it’s only a game after all, and I know the kind of games you play..” she added on, having seen Fluttershy’s rather violent choice of video games. “Besides, the longer y’all have this little tug of war, the more time the other team has to...do whatever you do in this here game. So how about you just give it a shot? You just might like it.” She didn’t get a response after that. She was about to try again when Fluttershy’s tank started to move forward on its own, a timid voice coming over the radio. “O-ok, just this once...” Applejack couldn’t help but smile as she watched Fluttershy be courageous. AJ turned around to face forward with the other three, ready to start the game.

As they moved out into the forest, the three scanned the trees, trying to find their two wayward friends who had rushed ahead without their support; however, they only saw trees and undergrowth as they rolled along. Fluttershy spoke up. “Wait, what about all the poor animals in here?”
It was Twilight who responded as they drove along the underbrush, still no sign of their friends save for their tracks they left, “Don’t worry, they cordon off the Arena before the matches. Besides, all these tanks driving around would scare them off anyway,” she said reassuringly, having asked this question already to the hosts for Fluttershy’s sake.

Just then, they heard a rumble as a tank burst out of the brush to the right, slamming right into Applejack and almost breaking her tread. Fluttershy immediately started to pull back and rear-ended Rarity, causing much confusion and panic until Twilight noticed...that was Pinkie’s tank...but Dash was nowhere to be seen. “Hey Pinkie, where is Rainbow Dash?” she asked while the rest of the team calmed down to hear what she had to say.
“Oh, she just went off to say hi to the other team!” She beamed, the rest of the team gasped, and Twilight let out a rather dramatic Big No! to the heavens. She knew just how much use a single tank was vs an enemy team….

-MEANWHILE WITH THE BRASH DASH-

The tank rattled as it crested a mound of dirt at full speed. Rainbow Dash kept driving her tank onward, scanning the treeline fruitlessly before slamming a hoof down on the dashboard in frustration. “Where is everyone? I thought this was meant to be a fast-paced game!” she grunted, unaware of the barrel sticking out of a nearby bush slowly zeroing in on her exposed side armour. It let off a round, jolting Dash as it exploded against her armour. She tried to escape, but another blast from the other side let her know just how exposed she was. She tried to pull back.

The two tanks didn’t even wait for her. One drove forward to block her escape and expose her rear armour. Dash desperately turned her gun to try and fight back, but she didn’t get a chance before a shot into her rear armour penetrated it, blasted her ammo storage and almost took her out of the game right then and there. Not that she had much hope now. The alarms sounding in the cockpit told her just how screwed she was. She looked up to see the second tank casually drive up to her to finish her off. She could only utter one thing before her tank was taken out. “Ah, ponyfeathers...”

-MEANWHILE WITH THE HARMONY TEAM-

The team froze up at the sound of cannon-fire followed by a loud explosion. Twilight saw one of the lights in her cockpit blink off, telling her that Rainbow Dash was out. “I told her not to run off before we started, now look what happened….ugh!” She let out a frustrated sigh before taking a deep breath and looking over at her friends, “We can still pull this off, girls, we just have to play smarter! Now follow me! According to the map we were given, we can sneak behind the enemy if we go down into a depression not far from here. What do you say, girls?”

Despite the loss of their friend, Twilight’s plan helped boost their confidence. The team rolled out with a round of cheers, unaware of the small tank that was watching from the nearby line of bushes and reporting their position to his teammates.

As the team moved, they kept an eye on the treeline, nervous since Dash was taken out. Moving into the depression, it was hard to see around them; a thick layer of trees to their right made it impossible to scan for the enemy team, while to their left was a plateau with overgrowth covering it. The team focused on the treeline as they moved onward, as that would be where the enemy would come from, considering there was so much more cover, that is, until Rarity piped up with a few words that made the team stop in its tracks...

“Wait. Is someone watching the left flank?”

That's when all Tartarus broke loose.

A barrage of cannon fire rained down from the plateau, causing panic and confusion. The team bumped into each other and desperately tried to turn their turrets around. The trench was little more than a killzone now.

Pinkie was the first to go, her tank going up in smoke quickly. Fluttershy followed soon after; instead of whimpering as expected, her gamer side started to show as she angrily yelled out, “You lame camper noobs if I see you ag-”

Applejack didn’t fair much better: her tank was trapped between Rarity and what remained of Pinkie’s tank, so there was no room to move. She managed to get a round off in stubborn defiance for all the good it did, then followed her team as the barrage of cannon fire quickly focused on her.

Rarity in her Renault, however, managed to take several rounds thanks to her armour, even managing to return fire...and completely miss. Then she soon realised her turret ring had been shot in the first barrage, her shot harmlessly flying into the trees, She could only place her face in her hooves and sigh with annoyance. Stuck as they soon whittled her down too. Leaving Twilight alone with the whole enemy team. When she checked her dashboard, she noticed...she and her friends had managed to get zero kills this whole match. Her eye started to twitch. She threw her head and hooves up; this whole fiasco was finally getting to her. They opened fire on her tank.

“I CAN’T BELIEVE WE LOST TO A TEAM OF COLTS AND FILLIES! WHEN I FIND THEM CELESTIA AS MY WITNESS I’M GOING TO GI-”

Author's Note

And so I throw my hat into the writing ring, it will most likely burst into flames but won't know till I try! Please leave a comment if you like or dislike the story, the only way i can improve and make the story better for you lot if yea let me know how.

My tank crew for this story has been:
Tyrannosaurus Tux
AlicornPriest

Chapter 2

“-ING...wait...aw, shoot, they didn’t even let me finish my rant!” The disembodied voice belonging to Twilight groaned in frustration. She was stuck in the endless void for the moment, left to ponder her thoughts. She didn’t have long, though, as a bright light started to beckon her forward, pulling her towards it as it got more and more intense until...

*Thump*

“Ow, my rump!” she cried out, landing rather awkwardly in the middle of a field. She sat there holding her tailbone when she heard somepony say, “Twilight Sparkle, that is most undignified!”

“Rarity, I broke my coccyx!” She blurted out in frustration. “Again!” As she turned around to face her, they both heard a loud whooshing sound, and there was Pinkie Pie, a few feet off the ground. She landed on her hooves, much to Twilight’s annoyance. “Hey guys, that was fun wasn’t it, with the driving around and the shooting and the exploding, the exploding wasn't as fun but we should totally do that again!” she said, beaming happily, apparently having fun while getting shot at.

“Pinkie, we did terribly in that match, how could that be fun?” came Dash’s voice, hovering over with Fluttershy and Applejack in tow.

“Well, we could always practise some more, I mean sure we lost but we can just get new tanks and try again, what do you say?” Pinkie beamed at the group, who were unsure. Shockingly, it was Fluttershy who spoke up as she made her way back to town, determination on her face. “I’m not letting some lucky tutorial noobs beat me!” Despite the uncharacteristic display, they followed her back. She was right, it was just luck, and if they practised, they would be pros in no time.

Some time later...

As the group of friends made their way through Ponyville to get their new tanks, they wondered what they would get. The new shop that opened soon came into view of the group, a large, drab, gray hangar devoid of embellishments save for a basic, simple sign that read ‘Луна-Кузницы Танк Магазин.’ Luckily for them, the place was rather obvious anyway, much to Rarity’s displeasure. “Gray and brown?! Is the owner colour-blind?” Twilight could only roll her eyes as they entered. The hangar was filled to the brim with tanks of every size and shape and heaps of scrap littering the floor. The place was a pigsty of a shop. Twilight could hear Rarity almost hyperventilate at the mess. The rest “ooohed” and “aaahed” at the selection instead; Dash and Fluttershy hovered up to inspect some of them. Twilight saw a small desk sticking out from the clutter with a small bell on it. Trotting over and giving it a ring, she nearly jolted as the desk shook and let forth a ragged voice “Ой! Кто положил этот стол здесь?!” yelled a voice as a pony climbed out from under it, rubbing his head and turning around to face them.

The stallion, a scruffy bat-pony with a aviator's cap, looked at her confused for a moment, before brightening up as he realised that he had customers. “O-oh! Hello there and welcome, how can I help you today? Maintenance? Ammo? Decals?....Coffee?” he asked, sounding rather excited to have shoppers.
As the group converged on the desk, Twilight said, “Well, we would like to buy some tanks to take part in the games!”

At that, he hurried around the desk and beckoned them to follow “Tanks? we have tanks! Many tanks….I don’t know where they all are, but we can find one just for you lot, please follow to the..the..” He stopped for a moment, lost in thought. “The spawn-y thing...” With that he continued on, the group in tow, until they came up to a large machine, much smoother and cleaner than the rest of the building or its owner with a hoof-friendly touch screen sticking out of the center. The group moved closer to get a better view of it. “So...who wants the first tank?”

Twilight turned to her friends “Alright, which of you wants to go first?” She asked, but she saw them all looking at her. With a huff, she was about to refuse, but they started to nudge her closer and closer. Giving up with a resigned sigh, she trotted over to look at the console. The dizzying number of tanks of all shapes, sizes and types made Twilight wish she had studied on that one encyclopedia of tanks more. Feeling a bit overwhelmed, she looked to the owner and back at the console. She heard a voice pipe up, “If not sure, can press random button. First non-trainee tank is always free for newer players here.” Twilight could only gulp and press the random button. The machine came to life, and a hologram sorted through several tanks before ending on a rather bulky one with a blueish tint and a large large cannon. It was like a...a large ‘Bathtub’ with a gun.

“Ah, the S 35 CA, good froggy tank destroyer, you will be sniping bad guys like...em...sniper..in that thing. You want it?” the owner asked. Twilight looked over it with a small smile; somehow she knew it would suit her just fine. “I’ll take it!” she beamed, pressing the confirm button as she trotted off, happy with her pick.

As Twilight left the console, in swooped Dash, eager to get hers, not even saying anything to the shopkeeper as she flicked through several tanks. Seeing two of the exact same tank that caught her eye but under different national tabs, a small light green tank with no difference between the two, she found herself confused as to which to get. She heard the shopkeeper pipe up again, saying, “They are pretty much the same, one just has faster firing wea-” Before he was even finished, Dash had confirmed her selection based on which fired faster, picking the Chinese M5A1 Stuart (which was not a ripoff from the American one!) as her noble steed...if that made sense in a world of talking equines.

Feeling happy with her choice, Dash moved away from the console to let somepony else get a pick. This time it was Rarity who came to the console, looking for something classy and refined. She only found disappointment till something caught her eye, something that that just spoke to her: a long, large-looking thing with sharp, straight lines and angles. She could practically fit her fainting couch on the back; she knew she had to have it!

“Ahhh, the Tog 2, a tough tank for a pretty lady. It comes with a installed tea kettle too so you can have a cup of tea when crushing tiny baby tanks.”

Well, if it cames with tea as well, that just sealed the deal for Rarity! She pressed confirm to get her very own Tog, already getting some ideas for sprucing it up and making it stand out!

As Rarity moved back, thinking of what she could add to her tank, in stepped Applejack who already knew what she wanted: a good all-rounder to help out wherever she was needed. She flicked through this list and eventually came to the American tank list, whose tanks seemed much more up her alley. She looked through them until she found one that tickled her fancy. It looked like the Sherman’s bigger brother, heavier and more armoured than a normal one, which reminded her of Mac in some ways. The fat thing called the T14 seemed like the choice for her: tough, fast and perfect for backing up the others. Clicking on the confirm button, She turned to the Shop keeper and said, ”I think we got ourselves a deal, mister.”

Of the two left, Fluttershy trotted up next. A bit unsure what tank she would want, she turned to the shop keeper and asked, “Em...do you have anything that’s good at..em..hiding?” she asked, scuffing the floor a bit in embarrassment.

The owner just scratched his chin before pressing a few buttons on the console and flicking to a particular tank to let her see. “Excellent camo factor, good gun too. The Hetzer is a good little tank,” he said, letting her get a good look at the small, gray tank destroyer. It reminded Fluttershy of a heffalump with its little snout of a cannon; she thought it was cute. Besides that, the idea of hiding in a bush and sniping at the other reminding her of when she played some old video games. If nothing else, it would be worth a shot. She pressed the confirm to add another tank to the team, leaving only Pinkie Pie to grab one.

It was odd that Pinkie Pie would wait last, as she had been practically shaking in her horseshoes. And soon enough she zipped over to the console, having been dying to press at the buttons and see what would happen. The shop keeper could only look on as she pressed just about every single one. The hologram even sputtered a bit, making him fear he would need to get another one since last time, but instead what appeared was a small tank, Japanese in make. It seemed to be a Chi-Ha, but the colours were...off: instead of just a normal green base, it was covered in chocolate chip and pink splotches as camo. The thing stuck out like a sore thumb, and the shop keeper wanted to fix it for her, but Pinkie’s eyes were wide with excitement. She looked over at him with a large smile as she soon pointed to the hologram and said, “That. Is. Perfect! BEST TANK!” she exclaimed, bouncing in place. She clicking to confirm, much to the shop keeper’s confusion. He thought the thing was an eyesore, really, but what the customer got is what the customer wanted, after all.

And with that final button press, the Harmony Team had upgraded to actual tanks without the training wheels, ready to take another crack in the Tank Games. Ready and eager to try out their new rides, to practise and get better as a team, and maybe have a sweet montage to go along with it.

...Now they just needed to find a place to practise. Driving tanks around willy-nilly while learning the ropes was a bit dangerous after all, and pretty illegal without a license. Twilight turned to the group to try and brainstorm where they could practise when she saw a sign hanging against the wall pointing to the back of the hanger: a arrow plastered on it next to some more of this stallion’s funny words, ‘Свободные заезды двор’. Luckily, under it was scrawled the words, ‘Training yard that way, no pay.’

“Okay, Girls! Time to pony up!”

Author's Note

Sorry about the wait on new chapter, the tank broke down but here it is in all its awful awfulness!

Thanks again to Tyrannosaurus Tux and Alicorn Priest for making suck less a bit, please enjoy and comment on how I can improve!