Style Over Substance

by shortskirtsandexplosions

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Slice of Life, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Romance
Length: 1972

Rainbow Dash is stuck in a dress, and she desperately needs a place to crash and wait out the spell. Where else than on Applejack's couch?

There's a crisis in Ponyville. Some mysterious magic is turning everything into fashion nightmares. But never mind that.

Rainbow Dash is stuck in a dress, and she desperately needs a place to crash and wait out the spell. Where else than on Applejack's couch?

Published 2014-04-27 01:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-27 01:30:02 UTC

Inspiration Shippingfestation

“Applejack!” Granny Smith shouted from the farm house's kitchen. “I can see the apple carts in the west field from here! They done changed to glitter n'diamonds too!”

“Oh for the love of Dwight Yoacolt!” Applejack rolled her eyes, trudging through the house with an iron-wrought frown. “No doubt they'll be just as heavy as the enchanted junk I had to roll in from town!”

“I'll go fetch Big Macintosh and have 'em wheeled to the barn before they can blind the livestock!” Granny Smith's tender hoofsteps rattled off. The kitchen screen door squeaked and slammed shut behind her. “I swear on my late Uncle's left front knee, ya can't swing a dead cat in this here country without some dirty warlock givin' somethin' the zap!”

Tired and exhausted, Applejack slumped against a wall of family portraits and wiped her sweaty brow. “Land's sakes...” She heaved and sighed, glaring through dazed eyes. “What else could go wrong today?”

Knock Knock Knock!

Applejack's freckles scrunched. She turned suspiciously towards the front door. “I swear to blazes, I'm gonna need galoshes for how much it rains on my parade.” She strode three thudding steps and swung the door wide open. “Yeah?! Who is it?! Now ain't a good time!”

There was nopony outside.

Two emerald eyes blinked. “Hello?!” She frowned. “If this is y'all's idea for a prank, I've had all I can stand today!”

”Pssssst!”

The fuzzy ears on either side of Applejack's hat twitched. “Uhhhh...”

”Psssssssssst!”

“Is my front porch hissin'?”

”AJ!” the hoarsest of voices cracked, barely registering a decibel. ”AJ, it's me!”

Applejack drifted forward, hooves padding pensively across the porch's wooden surface like cat paws. “Rainbow?”

”Shhhh! Don't say my name!”

“Why not?”

”Somepony might hear and know it's me!”

“Well, who or what else would you be?” Applejack gripped the door and gazed wildly across the front lawn. “Just where in the hay are ya, darlin'?”

”No! No!” The door yanked away from Applejack's grip, leaning on the full extent of its hinges. Applejack realized that something petite, blue, and decidedly rainbow-maned was hiding within the small niche formed between the door and the house's front face. ”No sudden moves! I don't want anypony to see! I don't want them to know!””

“Know what?!”

“C-can I come in?”

“Rainbow, what in the name of all that's golden and delicious are ya babblin' about?”

”Can I come in?! Oh please please please pleeeeeeease AJ!”

“Alright, already!” Applejack stepped back and waved with her hoof. “Whatever it takes to stop ya from hyperventilatin' like an armadillo rollin' down a hill covered in molasses and—”

“JeethanksApplejackyou'rethegreatest!” Zooooooooooom! A streak of color roared past Applejack and into the house.

Applejack's stetson spun atop her golden mane four times. She stopped it with a tap of her hoof and shut the door. “Whew! Wipe yer hooves while yer at it, girl!” She trotted inside. “Now what's so awful that you had to rush in here all frazzled-like...?” Her words trailed out of her drawling muzzle. “Uhm... Rainbow?”

Applejack's gaze wandered across the living room, the foyer, the closet, the staircase, and the hallway leading toward the kitchen.

“Where'd ya soar off to this time?”

”Over here.”

Applejack's head jerked back to the living room.

Something disappeared behind the back of the sofa in a flash. A shadow trembled against the drapes in the corner of the room.

“Rainbow, sugarcube, what's gotten into you?”

“There is something totally... totally bogus going on around here!” the pegasus' voice wheezed.

“Yer tellin' me!” Applejack trotted forward, nodding. “Half the buildings in downtown Ponyville have been turnin' into crystal and rubies! On top of that, some crazed magician has replaced the wood of all my applecarts with gold!”

“That isn't even the half of it,” Rainbow's voice moaned, like a funeral dirge. Once again, the edge of her face peaked out, like a fuzzy whack-a-mole. “Promise you won't laugh at me.”

“Laugh? Why in the heck would I laugh at you, Rainbow?”

“Just promise!”

“Fine... Fine.” Applejack performed the ritualistic motions across her chest, shoulders, and finally her left eyeball. “Honest as I'll ever be, I won't laugh at ya. Not even a single titter.”

“Okay... br-brace yourself...” With that, Rainbow Dash slowly... slowly glided her way out from behind the couch, weighed down by drooping ears and the mother of all grimaces. But that wasn't all that was tugging her to the center of the planet. Something flounced along with her, a wine-colored “something” with gold embossed floral designs, platinum hems, excessive lace, and daintily lengthy sleeves. Rainbow Dash grimaced like she was giving birth, standing before Applejack in all her miserable glory.

The farm filly stared at her. Something collapsed deep inside, and the issuing thunder came out one nostril, then the other. “Snkkkkt-Crkkkkkk!” Applejack's cheeks expanded as she bit hard onto curved lips.

Rainbow Dash snarled. “You said you wouldn't laugh!”

“Darlin', that was a snicker!” Applejack took a deep breath and wiped her eyes dry before she could explode any further. “Just look at you! All guss'd up like it's a royal hoedown! I dunno whether to be jealous or ask Apple Bloom to lend ya one of her toy tiaras.”

“Hardy har har,” Rainbow Dash grumbled.

“Whatever got ya in the mind for wearin' that?”

“That's just it!” Rainbow Dash glanced at herself and tried not to vomit. Her limbs shook and shivered, trying in vain to shake the lace and silk off. “Eeeuunghh! This thing just appeared on me out of nowhere!”

“Y'all don't say?”

“And now I can't get it off!” Rainbow Dash shook and struggled, then groaned. “Ughhhh... I swear, if anypony sees me, I'm gonna be the laughing stock of Ponyville!”

“Well, you came to the right place.” Applejack trotted to Rainbow's side. “Just imagine, a grown mare not bein' able to strip off a simple ol' dress. Why, all ya gotta do is find the zipper and... and...” Applejack paused, taking her hat off to scratch her scalp as she stared at Rainbow's flank. “That's funny. There don't seem to be no zipper.”

“That's what I'm trying to tell you!” Rainbow's voice cracked for the umpteenth time. “It's worse enough that this is a dress! It's a prison!”

“A darn expensive lookin' one too.”

“Grraaaaaugh!” Rainbow spun and twirled through the air like an enraged blue spider monkey. “Getitoff!Getitoff!Getitoff!Getitoffffff!”

“Whoa, there!” Applejack reared her head back, squinted, then ultimately lunged for the hem of Rainbow's skirt, pulling her down by that instead of her tail. “Before you go ballistic on my living room, why don'tcha calm down and take a breather?”

“I can't, AJ!” Rainbow Dash wheezed, her bangs slick with sweat. “Not with... this crud hanging... off of me...” She gulped and stared up with sparkling eyes. “I've been struggling for the past two hours to get loose but nothing's working!”

“Reckon I can see that.” Applejack nodded with worried eyes. “Yer sweatier than Big Mac on Taco Night.”

“Whatever this hocus pocus junk is, I can't let it ruin my awesome image! If anypony sees me in this, I'm doomed!” Rainbow Dash threw herself on her knees before Applejack. “Oh please, AJ. Please please please don't let that happen! Hide me! Shove me in your attic! Stuff me in your closet! Do anything! Just don't let anypony see me like this!”

“How about... uh...” Applejack glanced over and brightened. “Settlin' for my couch, huh? The least you can do is have yerself a breather...”

“A breather...” Rainbow Dash nodded, her eyes thin as her panting breaths evened out. “Y'know... a nap sounds good r-right about now...”

“That's a darn good idea, if ya ask me!” Applejack helped Rainbow Dash over to the sofa. “No doubt Twilight's already off on some gallivantin' quest to fix this mess with that fancy schmancy horn of hers! Why don'tcha just crash here for as long as it takes for the craziness to run itself through! Then once yer poofiness goes... well... 'poof,' you can go back outside as right as rain! Nopony will know that anythang had ever happened to ya!”

“Yeah...” Rainbow Dash exhaled, shuddering. “Okay...” She crawled up onto the couch, turned around three times, and laid down on her side, fidget-fidgeting with her silken sleeves. “Just... sleep it off...”

“A good friend of mine is always welcome to the comforts of the Apple Family,” Applejack said with a proud smile. She rested a hoof over her fuzzy orange chest. “No matter how sweaty and breathless and plum tuckered... erm...” She chuckled awkwardly. “Ya know what I mean...”

“All too well...” Rainbow Dash gulped and nuzzled up against the couch's hoof rest. “AJ, you're a life saver.”

“Awwwww... I dunno about that, darlin', but I do try.” She gulped. “Anythang else ya think ya might be needin'?”

“Well, maybe...” Rainbow Dash's brow furrowed, and her tail flicked once beneath her skirts. “Nah. Forget it. I'm taking enough advantage of your generosity.”

“Just name it, sugarcube.”

“Well...” Rainbow's sparkling eyes glanced up. “Fussing with this stupid thing really wore me out.” She stifled a yawn and smiled dazedly. “Perhaps a glass of water?”

Applejack tilted her hat. “Comin' right up!” She spun about and trudged across the house like a royal guard.

Half a minute later, she returned, carrying a tray with a pitcher of water and a half-empty glass.

“Ain't no thang, Rainbow Dash,” Applejack sing-songed with each trotting step. “I'm more than happy to help a friend in need. Especially if she's...” She froze in place. Blinking.

Rainbow Dash was already asleep, her body curled up in a tight, silken ball. Her petite chest rose and fell in little liquid motions while her tousled mane framed her fuzzy face like a prismatic halo. The last vestiges of sweat had vanished, giving her coat a velvety shine in the dim light wafting softly through the room's thick drapes. Her hooves performed tiny jerking motions while indecipherable murmurs escaped her tired, pursing lips. The tiniest bit of drool formed a damp spot on the couch cushion. Then, with an inward trilling sound, Rainbow stirred, curling her gold-laced sleeves tighter against her face as she drifted deeper into slumber.

Applejack's left eyebrow twitched. “...adorable as the dickens.”

Dead silence.

The color red entered the room. Applejack was startled, and she looked all over for it, until her eyes fell upon her own reflection in the surface of the water pitched. Then the color intensified. Clearing her throat, Applejack slapped the tray onto the table and marched straight outside.

She made her way to the side of the house right as Big Macintosh and Granny Smith marched the other way, dragging a convoy of golden carts behind them.

“It's worse than we thought, AJ!” Granny Smith caterwauled. “Looks like the apple baskets have turned into turquoise, or some other dag blame'd mineral! Ain't that right, Big Mac?”

The stallion wheezed from the front of the carts. “E-e-eyuppp...”

“Good to know, Granny,” Applejack robotically hummed, trotting straight forward.

“We could sure use a hoof with truckin' them in, Applejack...” Granny Smith squinted. “...Applejack?”

“Sure thang, Granny. I'll get right on it.” That said, Applejack made her way to a horse trough, grasped it with two hooves, took a deep, deep breath, then dunk her head skull-deep into the ice cold water. She remained submerged for half a minute.

Granny and Big Mac watched with blank expressions. They glanced nervously at each other.

Finally, with a loud splash, Applejack's head emerged. She blinked into the barn's outer surface, then batted water out of her ears.

“Nope...” She sighed, ears folded in frustration. “Still adorable.”

Then, in a flash of light, the horse trough below her turned into a porcelain basin.

“What?—Oh, for Pete's sake!”

Author's Note