Pinkie pie x Rainbow Dash One-Shot
“Welp, Rainbowdash doesn’t love me anymore, so it’s time to kill myself!” Pinkie Pie declared, looking around her room, “Now, let me see just how to do it...” She gave her things a cursory glance, but one thing immediately popped out: Rope! “That’s it!” she said triumphantly, “I’ll just hang myself! That’ll kill me good and dead!” She picked up the rope and looked about, deciding to hang it over a rafter. She made sure to give herself a good long bit of length, as she’d heard that that makes your neck more likely to break, and she wanted it to be quick and clean. She’d already secured the ends of the rope around her neck and the rafter when she realized that she’d forgotten a KEY COMPONENT: The suicide note! “Oopsies!” she said, bouncing down from the chair as if playing some fun game, even if the game was “Kill Yourself”. She trotted joyfully over to the desk and picked up a pen and paper, writing a concise note.
Dear Everypony,
Rainbow Dash doesn’t love me anymore, so I’m killing myself. Please take care of Gummy while I’m gone. Bye everyone!
Signed,
Pinkie Pie! <3 <3 <3 OXOXOXOXOXOXO
She made sure to get every last ‘O’ and ‘X’ out onto the paper, seeing as they would be the last she’d ever write. She giggled a bit at the cliche nature of the thought. She stopped herself though, “Keep focus Pinkie! Now that that’s done, it’s time for a hangin’!” She jumped up on the chair again, ready to kill herself. She was now playing both inmate AND executioner, and she began to give herself the rundown: “Pinkamina Diane Pie,” she said in a deep tone, “You are hereby sentenced to death by hanging. Prepare to meet your maker!” And with that she closed her eyes, and with the buck of one foot, kicked the chair out from underneath her. She dropped...
...And found her hooves planting firmly on the wooden floor of her bedroom. She blinked, looking up at the rope. “Oh no!” she said, “I got my physics all wrong! I may want to be hung with alot of slack, but I don’t have the room for it in here!” she sighed, glancing around again before an idea hit her, “I know! The main room of sugarcube-corner has much higher cielings!” With that, she packed up the rope, and heading out the door of her bedroom.
Pinkie Pie skipped down the stairs from her bedroom, into the main room of Sugarcube Corner. She looked around the place, nodding with satisfaction, “Yep! This room has much higher cielings! This is sure to snap my neck real good!” With that, she threw the rope over a cieling rafter and carefully measured the length, making sure that her hooves would be well off the floor, even with the stretching her body would go through as she was suspended from a rope. She tied the other end firmly to the railing of the stairs, giving it a confident nod before making her way up the stairs, the still-tied noose of the rope in her mouth. Satisfied with the height, she once again draped the noose around her neck, making sure it was good and secure, and climbed up onto the railing. She looked down at the floor a good ways below her and sighed, her hair straightening a bit: this was it. This was how she was going to die. She closed her eyes, thinking of all the things that would be lost between her and this world. Her parties, the laughter she’d spread through them... Who would make the cupcakes? Her mind flipped through memories of good times with her friends... oh, how those would be missed by all... And Rainbow Dash... She missed her already... but without her, the world would be so cold and dark, just like it had been on the rock farm: no smiling, only rocks. Pinkie knew she had to do this, it was the only way: best to go out while there’s still life in you than to die of slow suffering, right? And soon the Cakes would find her there, hanging limply from their cieling, and they’d say “Oh that Pinkie Pie, looks like she finally did herself in. Oh well!” and they’d move on. Same with her friends: there’d be a funeral with flowers and things - a very somber party to mourn her passing and remember her- but they too would move on. Of course, the Cakes might even just leave her hanging there, unable and unwilling to take her body down, and she’d just hang there as their latest decoration. She thought about that: it was probably true. They’d just leave her hanging up there like some sort of newfangled decoration, and when customer-ponies would ask they’d say “Oh, that’s Pinkie Pie, our old assistant. One day she got it in her head to kill herself and SNAP! That was the end of her!” Yep, that was probably how it would go. She raised a hoof, preparing to take that final leap of fate: the step which would send her plummeting to a swift death, her life ending with the SNAP! of her neck breaking from the powerful jolt of the rope...
“PINKAMINA DIANE PIE! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?!”
Pinkie Pie was jolted out of her meditative coolness by a rathar annoyed scream from Mrs Cake. “Oh hi there Misses Cake!” she trilled with a smile, “Rainbow Dash left me, so I’m gonna kill myself!”
“Not in MY serving-area you aren’t! That sort of thing’s bad for business!”
“But Misses Cake,” Pinkie cried from her perch, “I need alot of room to get the rope to snap my neck, and the celling in my room just isn’t high enough!”
“I don’t give a damn! I’m trying to serve pastries in here, and I can’t have your dead body hanging around in here! Just think of what it’ll be like in a few weeks: rotting up there and smelling up all the area. We serve food here, and that’s just unsanitary! Take your immature angst somewhere else you silly pony!”
“Oh all right...” Pinkie moped, defeated. She slid down from her perch, and back onto the steps, removing the noose from her neck, letting it drop as she descended. She’d have to find some other way to kick this bucket...
Stepping outside into the warm sunny afternoon, she was only reminded of just how cold her life would be without her Dashie’s sweet sweet lovin’ to warm it up. She just HAD to kill herself: she couldn’t go through the rest of her life feeling that cold! Oh, but what could she do...? She needed advice, and she knew just the pony to turn to...
“Twilight!” Pinkie Pie said in a disheartened tone, standing just inside the thresshiold of the library, “Rainbow Dash left me and doesn’t want to be lesbian-love-buddies anymore, so now I’m sad because I’m all alone, so I want to kill myself but I couldn’t do it when I tried on my own so I need you to help me kill myself!”
“Well, that’s pretty bad, but are you sure you want to kill yourself, Pinkie Pie? I mean, there are alot of other things to live for, like Books! I mean, there are books about plenty of things, like cupcakes, and weather, and-”
“Twilight!” Pinkie Pie said, grabbing her by the shoulders and staring into her eyes, “Help me kill myself!”
“Oh, fine...” Twilight gave in, her head and ears slumping, “Come on inside then...” she turned and lead her friend inside.
“YAY!” Pinkie Pie squealed with delight: soon she’d be dead and she wouldn’t have to be lonely and girlfriendless anymore, all thanks to Twilight! She clapped her hooves a bit, then skipped inside after Twilight...
Twilight plopped down on her couch, motioning for Pinkie to take a seat on the nearby chair, “So... You want to kill yourself. Now, the question is how, have you had any good ideas so far?”
“Well, I tried hanging myself, but that didn’t work out so good...” Pinkie Pie said, a note of dismay in her voice, “I was hoping you had a good idea on how to go about it: I’m sure a lonely nerd like you fantasizes about good ways to kill yourself all the time...”
Twilight blinked, “What. Pinkie, no... I... What...?” She shook it off, “Whatever, whatever, look, I have an idea: why not have Spike burn you to death with his fire-breath?”
Spike, as if on cue, popped his head out of the bedroom upstairs, grinning from ear to ear.
Pinkie cringed, “Er, I don’t think so... Fire isn’t that efficient, and Spike really can’t put alot of power into it, so I’m sure it’d be long and painful...”
“You’re right,” Twilight nodded sheepishly, “Spike can’t even burn the binding off a book, let alone the flesh off a pony...”
Spike’s grin died into a frown, and he sunk back into the bedroom.
Twilight thought for a bit longer, suddenly speaking up as if a lightbulb had gone on in her head, “Oh, I have an idea!” she hopped up, trotting over to a bookshelf in the back of the ‘S’-section. “‘S’ for ‘Suicide’!” she exclaimed triumphantly, looking around for a moment before finding a book on the subject, “Oh! This looks like a good one!” she lifted herself up, putting her forehooves on the shelf and pulling a book down with the glowing telekinesis of her horn. ”How to Kill Yourself... A reference guide!” Twilight brightly read aloud, “This is sure to solve all our problems! We’ll just go ahead and do everything by the book!”
“A book on Suicide?” Pinkie was already glad she’d come here, ”Oh Twilight, this is SURE to work! I just never realized that anypony would write a book like that. Who’s it by?”
Twilight stared at the author on the cover, “It’s by... Photo Finish...?” she blinked.
“Photo Finish??” Pinkie was quite confused, “But why would she write a book on-”
“Let’s... Let’s not ask...” Twilight stopped her, opening the book with a cringe, trying to ignore the note on it requesting that anypony who used the book allowed Photo Finish to record video-footage of the act for one of her “less mainstream” side-projects...
Around twenty minutes later, they were in the basement, with Pinkie Pie strapped down to a metal table suspended from the ceiling, all four legs spread in a very compromising pose. Nearby, Twilight had lined up some syringes of adrenaline, along with a machete, a hacksaw, and a kitchen knife. “Alright!” she said, “Looks like we’ve got everything here!” She magically checked the last thing off the list she’d made on her clipboard, “It’s a good thing I’m so organized: you’re sure to be good and dead in no time!” She read on, “Ok... So... Oh.. Um...” she looked up at Pinkie Pie, “So apparently I was supposed to drug you before we did this, so you weren’t awake while I strapped you down... That’s ok, right?”
“Oh don’t worry about that, just skip to the good part!” Pinkie trilled, “You know, the part where you start to kill me!”
Twilight nodded, “Right!” she browsed through it, picking up the hack-saw, “Ok, so now I’m supposed to say, ‘I wonder why they call it a Hack-Saw... Hacking’s what I did with the Machete earlier!’”
“Machete?” Pinkie Pie said, confused, “Twilight, you haven’t even used the machete yet!”
Twilight looked back, “Oh, it says here I was supposed to do that to your wings or horn if you were a unicorn or pegasus, but I guess that doesn’t apply here... Um...” she flipped forward a little more, picking up the kitchen-knife, “Ok, so now I’m supposed to gut you and... and keep you awake with the adrenaline? What? This doesn’t make any sense...”
“I’ll say, Twilight: this is just silly! Are you reading this from some bizarre snuff-fic? What’s the title?”
“It’s apparently a popular procedure called... ‘Cupcakes’...?” Twilight raised her brow in confusion, “What does this have to do with cupcakes??”
Pinkie Pie slipped easily out of the restraints (Ponies have hooves, you can’t really restrain them too well...) and trotted over, glancing over at the page, “Twilight, this is a book of snuff-porn scripts! And snuff-porn’s like, my LEAST FAVORITE type of porn! You should really find a book on Amatuer-Action or Gender-Transformation or something like that, or better yet, a better way to kill me!”
“Erm...” Twilight was really unsure of what to do now, “Maybe I could impale you on my horn?”
“That’s it!” Pinkie Pie said, “You just can’t empathize with me and my dire need for death! This calls for somepony so sensitive, they probably think about killing themselves every second of the day!” She galloped off for action...
“Fluttershy!” Pinkie Pie once again said in a disheartened tone, standing on the bridge in front of her friend’s cottage, “Rainbow Dash left me and doesn’t want to be lesbian-love-buddies anymore, so now I’m sad because I’m all alone, so I want to kill myself but I couldn’t do it when I tried on my own, and Twilight couldn’t do it either, so I need you to help me kill myself!”
“Oh no, I could never do that! I’m afraid I’m just not made for killing other ponies...”
“Fluttershy!” Pinkie Pie said, grabbing her by the shoulders and staring into her eyes, “Help me kill myself!”
“Oh... I guess I can do that...” Fluttershy gave in...
Fluttershy lead her out to a cave the edge of the Everfree forest, where she called out, “yoohoo, Hairy? I brought someone here for you...”
There was a little grunt from deep within the cave, and slowly but surely, a massive grizzly-bear lumbered out into the opening. It looked attentively at Fluttershy.
“This is Hairy.” she explained, “He’s a bear.”
“Wowie-zowie! Is he gonna help me kill myself?”
“Well... Yes.” Fluttershy said, “You see, Hairy is a carnivore, so he eats other animals... which includes ponies...” she fondly nuzzled the bear, “I bet if I asked him very nicely, he’d be happy to devour you right here and now...”
Pinkie Pie thought about the prospect for a moment, tapping a hoof to her chin, “Hmm... Sounds a bit iffy, but ok!” she bounced up and down cheerfully, “Be sure to ask him how I taste!”
“Alright then.” Fluttershy said with a little giggle, turning to Hairy “Now Hairy, remember how I had you eat those other ponies? Well, Pinkie Pie here doesn’t want to live anymore, so she came to me for help, and when I thought about it, I realized you’d be the perfect little assistant for this! So, how about eating Pinkie Pie here? Are you up to it?”
Pinkie Pie grinned and waved, eager to be eaten.
The bear looked at Fluttershy, then at Pinkie Pie, then back to Fluttershy, and shook his head.
Fluttershy blinked, “What? Why not? You enjoyed the other ponies I brought you so much!”
Hairy made a few gestures, trying to explain why he didn’t want to eat this pony.
Fluttershy watched, nodding slowly as she listened to him.
Pinkie Pie stared off into space wondering what it would be like if everypony lived on ceilings instead of floors, and what if all the rooms had Fancy Walls? And how yesterday she’d been talking to her sister, who would interview for a job as a teacher, show the ponies they need to show the foals where they’re going. That was a weird thing to think about, and made her wonder if she’d been Dropped as a Foal while her parents were Waiting for Coffee. (She also wondered if any of the readers would get the obscure 90s punk reference that the author was making through her thoughts... Wow, obscure references? What a horrible fanfiction to be in! Good thing she was getting killed off soon...)
Fluttershy blinked, having understood what the bear was trying to tell her, “You’re saying you can’t eat her because you’ve decided to become a vegetarian and don’t eat ponies anymore?”
The bear nodded.
Fluttershy sighed, “Well Hairy, I’m very happy for you, and I respect your decision, but Pinkie Pie here is really counting on you to rip her to shreds and gobble her down. Couldn’t you just have one last serving of meat? Just for me?”
The bear crossed its arms, shaking its head.
“C’mon Hairy! I’ll even add the steak-sauce for you!” Pinkie said, pouring a bottle of A-1 on her head.
The bear blinked, wondering why a herbivorous pony would even HAVE steak sauce, but shook his head all the same: he was adamant in his personal decision, and even Fluttershy wasn’t going to get him to break the vow of Buddhist pacifism he’d now made.
“Just one teensy little nibble?”
“Yeah! C’mon Hairy! I’m sure I’m delicious!!”
Hairy just crossed his arms and shook his head.
“Oh dear... “
“C’mon Fluttershy! You TOLD me he’d be able to do me in real good!”
“Oh... But I can’t make him eat you if he doesn’t want to... Maybe I could get a swarm of rats to devour you?”
“Maybe I should just go ask somepony else to help me kill myself!” With that, Pinkie bounced off to her next potential helper...
“Rarity!” Pinkie Pie began anew in the same disheartened tone, standing in the main room of the Carousel Boutique, “Rainbow Dash left me and doesn’t want to be lesbian-love-buddies anymore, so now I-”
“Oh Pinkie Pie, say no more! I know EXACTLY what you’re going through, but you simply CAN’T commit suicide looking like that!” Rarity exclaimed before Pinkie could even finish.
“What? But I-” Pinkie pie was yanked along by the fashionista’s hoof before she could say anything more...
In no time they were in the upstairs room, with Rarity forcing Pinkie Pie into various morbid dresses which would be perfect to kill herself in. “Darling, I’m so glad you came!” Rarity exclaimed, “You wouldn’t BELIEVE how few ponies can appreciate the drama of a good suicide! Ooh! Here! Try this tiara!” she injected, placing a black tiara on her pink friend’s head, “Fabulous! Now, where was I? Oh yes! The drama! The tragedy! A young life ended well before its time by the side effect of a shattered heart... Oh what a world!” she put her hoof to her forehead in exasperation.
“But Rarity, can’t this wait until my funeral? I wanna die NOW!” she stomped her hooves a bit in annoyance.
“Patience Pinkie Pie! There’s a certain elegance to be had with these things: you can’t just go hanging yourself looking like you just got out of bed, you have to PLAN for it! You have to die FABULOUS!”
“But by the time you get me all dressed up and fabulous, I’ll be dead of old age! And I don’t WANT to die of old age, I want to KILL MYSELF!”
“Well then,” Rarity said, clearly a bit irritated, “If that’s the way you feel about it, you might as well ask Applejack! I’m sure she doesn’t care how she looks any day of the year, let alone the day she dies...”
“Hey, you’re right!” Pinkie Pie said, taking it as a good suggestion, “Why didn’t I think of that sooner?” She ducked out of the dress (somehow) and trotted promptly out the door. “If you wanna get something done, go to the pony who knows how to get ‘er done!”
Rarity facehoofed behind her...
“Shoo ya mangy varmnits!” Applejack was trying to shoo some rabbits away from her carrot crop, without much success, as they just dodged her every time she tried to grab or hit one.
“Applejack!” Pinkie Pie called out, “I gotta kill myself! Can you help?”
“Kill yourself?” Applejack blinkled briefly in surprise, but switched to respond in her normally congenial manner, “Aw, that’s easy! Ya just hang yerself!”
“But Applejack,” Pinkie Pie said, “I tried to hang myself, but it just didn’t work... I also went to Twilight, and Fluttershy, and Rarity, but apparently nothing works today! It’s like we’re in some wacky fanfiction by a notoriously demented punk-rock-star who just can’t bring himself to go all the way with killing me, but I just GOTTA kill myself Applejack! Rainbow Dash left me and I can’t live without her sexy-pony-lovin’!”
“Well then!” Applejack said, “As the most faithful, most dependable of ponies in Ponyville, Ahm’a be sure ta be the one to break your bad luck streak! ‘Cmon!” with that, she turned to trot off behind the barn, “Lemme show ya somethin’ I read about in a book this one time! Ah think it was called ‘Old Yeller’ or somethin’... I dunno, I ain’t too inta readin... But lemme tell ya, this one’s a sure-fire way to get you good and dead!”
“Oh boy!” Pinkie Pie trilled, bouncing after her, “I hope you’re right: I’m gonna need a real DOOSIE to get this job done!”
Soon, Applejack had tied Pinkie Pie down to a stake behind the barn, and had produced a shiny black tube with what looked like a wooden handle on one end. “A’ight Pinkie Pie, this here’s my ‘BOOMSTICK’. I got it fer killin’ things, but ah’ve never had the thought ta use it before...”
Pinkie Pie’s eyes widened and she squealed with delight, “Oh BOY! That’s SURE to kill me good and dead!”
“Eyup! Tha’s what Ah figured!” Applejack brightly nodded, “Now alls Ah gotta do is figure out how ta make this consarned contraption work... Ah know ya gotta put these here ‘bullet’ things in here...” she pulled a bullet out of her hat and loaded it into the barrel, cocking it nicely, “Then from what Ah understand, ya gotta point it at yer target...” she raised the gun in her hooves, balancing on her hind legs and pointing it towards Pinkie Pie, “And then, Ah guess ya just pull this here trigger...” with that, Applejack pulled the trigger, firing a heavy slug from the barrel...
...Which missed Pinkie Pie entirely, due to Applejack’s lack of practice…
...And hit one of the rabbits stealing her carrots. It exploded. Then it exploded again.
The other rabbits all froze, staring at its remains, which now covered the carrot field and everything in it, including them. They didn’t need a second thought to take off running faster than Applejack had ever seen, dropping their carrots and scattering into the woods.
“Aw! So that’s what this thing does!” Applejack beamed down at the gun, “That’s real nifty!”
“Great!” Pinkie Pie cheered, “Now quick, blow my head off so I don’t have to live anymore!”
“Al’ight then Sugar-Cube!”Applejack said, loading and raising the gun a second time, “Say ‘yer prayers and prepare ta die!”
“Okie Dokie Lokie!” Pinkie Pie put her hooves together and quickly prayed:
Dear Princess Celestia,
It’s ME! PINKIE PIE! The best party-pony around! You remember me right? I was the one who ruined the dancing and music at the Gala, and ate that cupcake right out of your grasp when you visited ponyville! Come ta think of it... you probably hate me... LEMME TRY AGAIN!
Dear Princess LUNA,
I was just praying to your sister, but I realized she probably hates me, so I’m praying to you now. HI! So, Rainbow Dash doesn’t love me anymore, but I still love her, and if I still love her but she doesn’t love me back then I’ll be miserable, and I don’t wanna be miserable! So that’s why I’m killing myself, but I tried to hang myself but that was too hard, so I went to Twilight and tried to get her to kill me but she couldn’t find the right book, so I went to Fluttershy and she tried to feed me to a bear but he’d converted to Buddhism and couldn’t eat me any more, so I went to Rarity but she just wanted to play dress-up, so I went to Applejack and now I’m here and she’s got a gun so soon I’ll be good and dead! Isn’t that neat? Anyway, I know I’m killing myself and all that, but I’m a good pony and I eat ALL my alfalfa, so please don’t send me to hell! Ok? Thanks a bunch!
Amen!
“ALRIGHT!” Pinkie Pie was triumphant, “All set and prayed for!” She waved a hoof at Applejack, both in farewell, “You were a great friend to know!”
“You too Sugar-Cube! G’bye!” she leveled the gun on Pinkie, readying herself to literally blow her friend away...
“Applejack! What the hay is goin’ on here?” came a protest from above, “I mean, I’m TRYING to take a nap here, but you and Pinkie Pie are setting off fireworks in the middle of the day!”
“Rainbowdash!” Pinkie Pie said, “Applejack here offered to help me kill myself, so she’s gonna blow my head of with her gun!”
Rainbow Dash did a double-take, “Wait, wait, WHAT? Pinkie Pie, are you SERIOUS?! What in the hay is wrong with you two! What could possibly make you want to KILL YOURSELF, and why in the hay would Applejack even CONSIDER helping you do something so... so... HORRIBLE!? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS, A WACKY FANFICTION BY A NOTORIOUSLY DEMENTED PUNK-ROCK-STAR???”
“But, Rainbowdash!” Pinkie pleaded, “You told me you were done with me, and then I was all alone”
Rainbow facehoofed, “‘Done with you’?? No Pinkie! I meant I was done eating you out for the time being, not that I didn’t want to be your lesbian-love-muffin anymore!” she flew down to her girlfriend, taking her hoof, “Pinkie Pie, I still love you, and I always will! Don’t ever think that I’ll leave you, even for Applejack!” she glanced over at Applejack, “Not that I don’t like our regular rolls in the hay.”
“Nah! I gotcha Rainbow!” Applejack grinned, shouldering her rifle and waving it off with a hoof, “Ah ain’t ever leavin’ Rarity for you neither!”
“Either way,” Rainbow protested, “Why would you kill yourself JUST because you thought I’d left you? And why would all the others actually try and HELP you with it?”
“I dunno: in a place called Ponyville, ANYTHING can happen!” Pinkie Pie pointed out with a shrug.
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes, “Oh Pinkie Pie, you are such a goofball!”
“Thaaat’s me!” Pinkie Pie trilled.
And then they made out.
And after that they had hawt lesbian pony-sex, and Rainbow’s hoo-ha tasted like skittles.
Happily ever after.
The End !
Author's Note
Hope you Like It !
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