Rainbow Dash to the Rescue

by Knight of the Raven

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy
Length: 3243

Princess Celestia is in danger.

Princess Celestia is in danger, and it's up to the best thing since zap apple jam to save her.

Published 2014-04-27 17:00:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-27 17:00:03 UTC

Rainbow Dash to the Rescue

Rainbow Dash soared through the sky, eyes closed and lips curled up into a content smile while she reveled in the addictive feeling of cold winds whipping against her face as they vainly attempted to slow her down.

She swerved to the side at breakneck speed, leaving a slowly fading rainbow trail behind her. Birds chirped in protest as she passed amidst their flocks with a hearty laugh. She sculpted clouds into fleeting works of art without ever reducing speed.

A desperate, drawn out cry echoed.

"HELP!"

Rainbow Dash beat her wings furiously to fight inertia as she stopped dead in her tracks. Ears perked up and eyes open wide, she glanced around for the voice's source. A nearly spotless sky surrounded her, Equestria's landscapes reduced to small patches of multiple colors miles beneath her.

She knew that voice. "Princess Celestia?"

She waited for a new scream for help, but no sound besides her own wingbeats filled the air. Beset by worry and a painfully familiar feeling of helplessness, she squinted her eyes and twisted her head around in all directions to find clues.

She gasped when she found one.

An enraged storm dotted a part of the horizon, spanning beyond the size of the Everfree Forest. Light shied away from the black clouds, casting an ever growing portion of the sky in darkness. Despite the formidable distance separating them, she could hear a thunder of terrifying proportions and howling winds on a warpath.

Rainbow Dash's ears plopped down onto her head and she gulped in dread but, just as she heard another cry, she rocketed toward the unnatural storm.

Her princess needed her.

She skidded to a hover above the storm, its rage nearly defeaning her. She scanned the clouds in hopes to find the easiest spot to pierce through, but every inch looked as dangerous as the next. Flashes within proved the existence of almost continual lightning bolts.

Rainbow Dash swallowed again, sweat beading into her eyebrows.

Do or die.

She plunged.

Eyes scrunched close to avoid being blinded, she beat her wings as hard as she could to reach the stormclouds' base. Thunder roared around her like a maddened leviathan of times long forgotten, the winds and sonic booms throwing her off her path more times than she could count.

A particularly powerful gust forced her upwards and dizzied her. Rainbow Dash tumbled through the clouds, her sense of direction shattered as the winds threw her about like a ragdoll. A scream of rage and impotence left her dry throat, a drop of sound in an ocean of fury.

Lightning struck.

Rainbow Dash groaned as she woke up.

A haze of pain still clutching her mind, she cracked an eye open to find herself staring at blue skies unblemished by any cloud, black or otherwise. Cheeping filled her ears and she blinked in confusion as she pushed herself to a sitting position.

Was it a dream?

Her answer was swift.

A scream of pain was torn from her throat when she tried to unfold her wings. She collapsed to her knees, panting. She risked a glance back at her sides and discovered with horror the unnatural angles her wings were bent in.

"Not a dream."

She looked on at her wings sadly before observing her surroundings. The brown, jagged edges of a mountain surrounded her except on one side, instead overlooking a cliff. In fact, she had woken up so close to it that she just needed to crane her neck a little to see down it.

She paled when she saw how tiny the ground was from there.

At least her wings didn't hurt when she didn't try to move them.

Rainbow Dash turned back to the other side, then looked up. A tall castle towered over her.

"That's where the princess must be," she mused softly. She scanned the serrated mountainside and gulped. Then, to her relief, she spotted a small cave half hidden behind a large rock. "Ah-ha!"

She sprinted to the entrance.

Oppressive darkness gave way to weak light when she stepped out of the tunnel she had been trotting through for what had felt like forever. Being able to see was an improvement, Rainbow Dash felt.

She could have done without walking right into a diamond dog pack, though.

"GET THE MULE!"

Rainbow Dash groaned.

More hounds than she could count charged her way, the ground trembling beneath their armored bodies. Rainbow Dash dodged the first spear by swerving to the right, then the second one by throwing herself onto the ground before jumping to her hooves and biting a third one's shaft in two as it almost slashed her cheek.

The spear's owner stared at his ravaged weapon. His lower lip quivered as he suddenly felt that much less of a dog, and he sunk to his bottom before letting out a long wail.

This just made Rainbow Dash smirk and she kicked a diamond dog in the chin, throwing his helmet off his head. It landed on his crying kin, doubling his tears. She planted her forehooves into the ground and whirled, bucking one dog's breastplate with each hindleg.

Then a large fist came crashing down on her left wing and she howled in agony.

She slumped on the ground, tears pricking her eyes at the pain coursing through her bones. The culprit rose above her, grinning in triumph.

Rainbow Dash growled and swept him off his feet with one hindleg. He ate dirt, his helmet swirling around on his head until its back covered his eyes. He stumbled back to his feet and swung blindly, hitting another diamond dog. That one hit back and the two rolled away from the larger fight as they pummeled each other's face with reckless abandon.

Driven on by pain and determination, she punched, kicked and shoulder-charged everypony who dared try hurt her. Blows rained on her body with increasing frequency, but she refused to give in. Body set aflame with suffering and vision growing troubled, she soldiered on until no diamond dog remained conscious save for the one mourning his late spear.

Huffing deeply and shaking, she stomped one forehoof into the dirt and held her head high.

She had won.

Rainbow Dash climbed the last of the slope with a hoarse sigh. She now stood on hard stone, granite if she remembered Pinkie's impromptu lessons well. Large windows opened up the walls on the sides, bathing the substantial room in the light of the setting sun.

The pain had subsided since the fight, but she knew better than to hope she wouldn't feel it again before rescuing Celestia.

She cantered across the room toward the large staircase at the very end, senses kept alert and every intact muscle in her body taut for action.

A shadow loomed over her and she leapt to the side just in time to avoid a pony landing on her.

The earth pony wore flashy sunglasses and a sparkling white costume, his shining black mane fashioned into a quiff. He bobbed his head to inaudible music and moved his legs about in a way that would have left Rainbow Dash staring in confusion if she had not been readying herself for battle.

"Who the hay are you?" she asked with narrowed eyes, gruffing in annoyance.

He bowed slightly. "I am..." He paused for a long while for dramatic effect, causing Rainbow Dash to roll her eyes. "Elvis Pranceley."

"Never heard of you."

The stallion outraged so hard he left cracks on the floor.

"Whoa, chill man."

Pranceley glared at her with the passion of a thousand burning suns or, alternatively, the hatred of one Nightmare Moon. "If you want to go on, you must defeat me."

Rainbow Dash smirked. "Dude, even without wings I can beat your sorry butt at anything you can think of."

Pranceley flashed her a grin, and she cocked an eyebrow as she heard the very familiar sound of a pony fainting with a dreamy sigh somewhere in the background in spite of them being the room's only occupants.

"Is that so?"

"You name it, I win it."

His grin grew until it threatened to split his face. "Then I challenge you to..." He paused once again as drum rolls resounded around them and Rainbow Dash threw her hooves in the air in standard 'oh come on' procedure. "A song off."

Rainbow Dash froze, her hooves still above her face. "What."

Pranceley produced a long-hafted microphone out of absolutely nowhere in response, before straightening back until he stood on his hindlegs. He then bent forwards, holding the microphone like one would a lover as he moved its end to his lips.

"Are you kidding me?"

"Love me tender,
Love me sweet,
Never let me go.
You have made my life complete,
And I love you so."

Squeals so high-pitched they made her ears ring followed, worming their way into the room from seemingly nowhere.

"Love me tender,
Love me true,
All my dreams fulfilled.
For my darlin' I love you,
And I always will."

The sound of faints soon accompanied the squeals, which rose in intensity and gave Rainbow Dash a headache.

"Love me tender,
Love me long,
Take me to your heart.
For it's there that I belong,
And we'll never part."

Flowers of all kinds started falling around him just as several "Marry me Elvis!" echoed. Rainbow Dash groaned and buried her face in her hooves as she shook her head.

"Love me tender,
Love me dear,
Tell me you are mine.
I'll be yours through all the years,
Till the end of time."

A pair of decidedly unbecoming knickers landed on his head. She felt the urge to smash her face into something until she knocked herself out.

"When at last my dreams come true
Darling this I know
Happiness will follow you
Everywhere you go."

Pranceley fluttered his eyes open sultrily, causing a crescendo of screams as he moved his face away from the microphone. "What did you think?"

Rainbow Dash removed her hooves from her face and blinked. "Uh? Sorry, didn't listen."

The cracks in the floor deepened tenfold.

Pranceley shoved the microphone into her chest, snarling. "Let's see you do better!"

Rainbow Dash's eyes drifted down to the device, then back to his scowl. Then, she smirked. "No problem."

She took the microphone from him, gauging its weight and quality with both hooves before the corner of her mouth curled even higher. She inched closer to him, making his countenance sour even further. She leaned in...

And headbutted him.

Pranceley reared back in shock and pain, landing on his back with all four hooves stuck in the air.

"I win," said Rainbow Dash simply before dropping the microphone and trotting past him.

"You won't get away with this!" he yelled nasally.

"Yeah, sure, whatever."

"ELVIS PRANCELEY CLONES, ATTACK!"

"Wait, what?"

A dozen Pranceleys pounced on her from above and she yelped in surprise. She instinctively bucked and one of them crashed into a wall, but the others dogpiled her, earning a strangled scream of pain as they touched her wings. Merciless kicks and punches ensued, heads rolling back and teeth flying about under the impacts. Spurred on by their numerical superiority, they savaged whatever pony flesh they could find.

A dry "guys" was heard above the ruckus.

All clones stopped hitting blindly to look at the original Pranceley.

"She's there." He pointed a hoof beyond them.

They looked in that direction and saw Rainbow Dash trying to tiptoe away. Noticing the sudden lack of battle noise, she slowly turned her head toward them and grinned sheepishly while rubbing the back of her head.

She let out a squeak that would have made Fluttershy jealous and even more insecure when the clones charged her as one pony. Elvis Pranceley chuckled in contentment. His laugh soon turned manic as he watched his foe run around while chased by his clones. The nasal chortle eventually grew strong enough to bounce off the walls and flood the room with thunder.

He suddenly caught sight of Rainbow Dash galloping toward him. He dodged her growling onslaught easily, his laughter increasing even more at the notion of he, the great and unique Elvis Pranceley, being outsmarted by a pegasus with no good taste whatsoever in appearances.

He had no time to remember she had actually already outsmarted him once because he failed to evade his clones as they charged mindlessly after their target.

By the time they all untangled themselves from each other, Rainbow Dash had disappeared up the stairs. He cursed in a very low voice that elicited many more squeals just as his clones ran away crying because the impact had ruined their hair.

Rainbow Dash panted heavily when she reached the top of the stairs. She didn't recall the castle being so tall. It seemed bigger on the inside, somehow. She sunk to her haunches with a wheeze once she had reached the final floor, the sweet, glorious flat floor.

"Rainbow Dash!"

She started at the voice. "Princess?"

She peered at the darkness swathing the long room and saw Celestia at the very back. She was chained to the wall behind her by her legs, wings and neck and she lacked her regalia but she otherwise appeared unharmed.

Rainbow Dash imposed her will upon her sore body and bolted toward her. Sweat poured down her frame in enough quantity to leave a trail beneath her as she ran and her muscles screamed for mercy, but she soldiered on.

Her princess needed her.

Celestia grew closer with every hoofstep, her lips slowing curling up into a weak, hopeful smile as tears appeared at the corners of her eyes. Rainbow Dash was merely paces away from her.

The floor shook like a wounded beast when a heavy, thick portcullis slammed down before her.

A mad snortle that sounded more like somepony choking on their hay smoothie than actual laughter filled the air. "So close and yet so far."

Rainbow Dash whipped around to face a being as deranged as his appearance suggested. "Release her, Discord!"

He pretended to not hear her and instead flexed his nonexistent muscles in classic macho pony poses.

She reared and brought her forehooves hard upon the cold stone floor. "Release her!"

Discord lifted an imposing dumbbell with a pout. "Nopony appreciates true virility these days."

"Discord!"

"Fine, fine." He threw the dumbbell over his shoulder. It grew legs in midair and landed soundlessly before tap-dancing out of the room. "Hold your horses."

Rainbow Dash growled and lunged at him.

He dodged his body out of the way while his feet and head stayed in place. "Woah there lady! Not on the first date!"

She crashed on the floor and spat out dust before whirling around. "I beat your stupid diamond dogs!" She took a step forwards menacingly. "I beat your stupid... whatever his name was with the funky mane." She took another step, mind ablaze with fury. "I beat your stupid stairs!"

All the while, Discord closed and opened his paw and mouth mockingly while sticking his tongue out. Then he snapped to attention. "What's-his-name? Oh, right, him! It's not a funky mane, it's a rocky mane. I taught him everything he knows!"

Rainbow Dash rose an eyebrow skeptically.

"Don't believe me?"

He slapped his cheek and the motion sent his whole body spinning on the spot. Rainbow Dash tried to follow the movement but soon found herself woozy. Then Discord dug a heel in the floor and the spinning stopped, swiftly followed by her dizziness.

He now sported a large quiff, sunglasses and a white suit covered in glitter. "All hail the King baby."

"You look even dumber than usual," deadpanned Rainbow Dash.

Discord frowned. "Love and tolerate, dear."

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes for what she felt was the hundredth time today.

He snapped his claw and a short microphone appeared in it. He brought it to his lips, tooth scraping the cover. Music filled the room.

Rainbow Dash threw her hooves in the air again, face distorted in untold frustration. "Oh come on!"

"Well a no-nonsense princess,
A lover of fun,
Been the cause of trouble
Ever since the planet spun.
Oh yeah, ever since the planet spun,
A no-nonsense princess been
A thorn in the side of fun.

Now Luna told to her,
"This has gone too far,
Don't let me catch you
Risin' that stupid lame star."
Oh yeah, ever since the planet spun,
A no-nonsense princess been
A thorn in the side of fun.

Now Sombra told Celestia,
Eyes afire,
"Keep your Harmony-loving hooves
Out my rad empire."
Oh yeah, ever since the planet spun,
A no-nonsense princess been
A thorn in the side of fun.

I heard about a god
Who made Chaos work,
Till he started playing
With that pesky little jerk.
Oh yeah, ever since the planet spun,
A no-nonsense princess been
A thorn in the side of fun.

I got a princess,
No sense of humor.
If she ever went away,
I'd rock like a boomer.
Oh yeah, ever since the planet spun,
A no-nonsense princess been
A thorn in the side of fun."

For the second time of the day, only one answer fit. "What."

Discord tsked into his microphone. "You have no taste."

Frustrated, tired, still reeling from pain and more than a little desperate to save Celestia, Rainbow Dash pounced once more.

Discord evaded the jump again and clicked his fingers. Rainbow Dash blinked as she felt something hard and cold held between her teeth. She looked down.

A sword.

Discord thrust his microphone toward her. "En garde!"

Her next roar shook the very heavens and even Celestia cowered a little. Rainbow Dash bore down on him mercilessly, swinging her head from one side to the other in perfect synchrony with her hoofwork. Discord matched her strike for strike and step for step, the room bursting with bright lights and detonations every time her sword and his microphone connected.

All of sudden Rainbow Dash struck with such rage that he let go of his weapon. It fell paces away from them before rolling pathetically even further out of reach.

Discord stared at his paw as he wriggled his fingers, and then looked at Rainbow Dash with puppy eyes. "Mercy?"

Her sole answer was to behead him in one swift motion.

His head imitated the microphone just as his body panicked and ran in little circles while waving its arms.

Discord frowned. "Well, dang."

Both body parts disappeared in a puff of blinking pink smoke.

The portcullis slid up as if on cue and the chains faded from existence just as Rainbow Dash spit out her sword. Celestia threw herself at her savior, somehow not crushing her under her size. She wrapped her hooves around Rainbow Dash's neck.

"My hero!"

Rainbow Dash blushed. "I only did my duty, princess."

Celestia broke into a heart melting smile. "Regardless, you are my hero. And such bravery must be rewarded." She fluttered her long eyelashes at her and leaned in, puckering her lips.

Rainbow Dash gaped, face as red as her eyes. But she leaned closer in kind anyway.

Luna left to grant Rainbow Dash some privacy at this very instant, giggling all the way to the next dream at the notion of her sister as a damsel in distress.