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The Unexpected Love Life of Dusk Shine Continues
Intermission Chapter: Incoming Stretch Marks & Being Super Cereal
I will say this one more time in case any of you missed it in the last chapter. This is a literal continuation of the original story, The Unexpected Love Life of Dusk Shine by Meme-Asaurus . All credit to the original goes to him. See blog here for permissions. I more than highly suggest that you read the whole story before reading this since this literally picks up where the last left off. This isn't a sequel, this is a Part II. If you're too lazy to read the whole thing and for some reason still want to read this or you're looking to catch up on the last couple chapters since it's been a while, at least read this: Rainbow Dash is Best Pony: The Premiere.
Meanwhile, in Sunbutt's Castle...
Three days.
It'd been three days since Luna sent her letters to Dusk through his assistant, and there was still literally nothing to show for it. Three days of waiting, of hoping that he could find a solution to their dilemma. Three days of the lunar diarch tossing and turning in her cold, lonely bedsheets. Three days of worrying, and he'd said nothing. Well no more!
Luna hopped quietly out of her bed. It was almost time for her to raise her blessed moon, and like it or not she still had her duties as a Princess of Equestria to fulfill. State before pleasure, right?
The beautiful alicorn trotted down the hallway towards the throne room and, more importantly, the balcony where she and her sister would raise and set their respective celestial bodies.
"Hello, Lulu," Celestia greeted her sister as she stepped out onto the balcony. Her horn lit up for a moment as she started to perform the ritual that had become second nature over the last few millenia. "I hope you're doing well."
"Quite, Tia," the younger alicorn stated, her own horn growing with a silvery sheen as she started to summon her own heavenly sphere. "It's been a rather stressful last few days for me."
Celestia concentrated for a moment, placing her sun just beyond the edge of the horizon to let it rest in peace. She made sure to tune her magical essence just right, making sure that the sunset was as seamless as possible. She gently released her hold on the star as it found its resting place.
"I'll admit you've seemed a bit out of sorts of late, dear sister," Celestia commented as she trotted over to a nearby bench for a little rest. Moving stars may have become a mindless task to the ancient goddess, but that didn't make it any less tiresome than when she'd first started. "Would you care to tell me what's bothering you?"
"It's...personal."
"Well that's a whole lot of nothing!" Celestia chuckled. "Come on, you've captured my attention. Don't just leave me hanging!"
Luna finished wrapping up her own spell, carefully placing the moon just right to cast a soft light down on their subjects. She wasn't sweating this time, a first since her return from her banishment.
"Well I guess it'll be a little hard for me to say this to you, but we did agree to stop keeping secrets. How you don't already know is a mystery to me. I mean, the Royal Physician knows, so I'm surprised you haven't already asked me about it..."
"What is it, Luna? By the way, nice use of proper first person!"
"Well you see..." she started, glancing around to make sure no one was present. "I'm pregnant."
Celestia stared at her for a moment before asking the all-important question. "I don't speak Fluttershy. What was that again?"
"I'm pregnant, okay?"
Sunbutt craned her neck forward, trying to hear her little sister's mumblings. It wasn't working. She just let out a soft sigh of impatience.
"We are pregnant, alright?!" Luna said in frustration.
"Oh, that's alr-WAIT WHAT?!"
"Just what I said, I'm pregnant."
Celestia stared at her younger sister for a moment, the gears in her head clanking loudly as they tried to process the newly acquired data. Maybe she should've considered upgrading to a new processing system, but it was too late to think on that now. Floppy discs were too advanced and overrated anyways. Celestia took a deep breath to calm herself before speaking.
"You're...pregnant."
"Yes."
"I see. Well then..."
"Y-yes?" Luna asked, trying her best to hide her nervousness. The smile that had previously rested on her sister's face was gone, suddenly replaced by the cold, calculating demeanor of a true monarch. That was never a good sign, least of all between them.
"Can you at least tell me who it was with? Also, why didn't you use contraceptives?" Celestia inquired. She locked eyes firmly her little sister, trying her best not to be condescending but making sure to leave no room for escape. Her gaze was piercing, fierce even. Luna just stared at the floor, trying her best not to be noticed. It wasn't helping.
"I didn't think that I'd actually get pregnant."
"That's ridiculous. We're as real and tangible as that mortal you slept with. Thinking that you'd be exempt from the risks was as stupid as it would be for any other mare." Celestia paused to take in a breath before continuing. "Now, sister dearest, would you mind telling me who this 'lucky' stallion of yours is?"
"Please promise me something, sister." Luna looked up pleadingly into Celestia's eyes.
"What is it you wish?"
"Don't...hurt him," she replied. "No matter what, don't do that."
"Do you really think I'd do that? Fine, I promise you he won't be harmed, if it makes you feel any better."
"Alright, it was Dusk," Luna stated simply.
If Celestia had any tea in her mouth that moment, she'd have performed a spit-take. Actually, this really merited a spit-take anyways. "Guards, bring me a cup of tea! IMMEDIATELY!"
"Your highness?" a guard asked, popping his head inside the room.
"It's an emergency, now fetch me my teacup!"
"Immediately, your highness!"
The guard quickly scurried off, surely to fetch the fated Chalice of Spit-takes. Celestia sat patiently for the young stallion to return with her prize. It wasn't every evening she could justify it's use, after all.
"Is this really necessary?" Luna asked.
"It's tradition."
"Oh. Okay then," Luna conceded.
"Indeed," Celestia concurred.
It was quite a few moments before the guard returned. Time passed aimlessly away as Luna held her piece in anticipation. If anyone were somehow watching in on this conversation while they waited, hypothetically speaking of course, then it should be apparent that heating up a decent brew of lavender tea takes time. If the hypothetical observer didn't realize that or figured it could all be done with hypothetical magic, then that hypothetical person is a hypothetical idiot. Hypothetically speaking, of course.
The guard struggled to worm his way into the room with the heavy chalice he'd been ordered to collect. Apparently there were yet to be any thirty-six inch doors yet designed to fit the girth of a five foot goblet. The royal sisters just stared for a moment before Celestia decided to relieve the poor stallion of his task. One quick teleportation spell later and the chalice found itself nestled in the center of the room.
"Alright, Luna. Just a second and I'll be ready to talk about this," Celestia said before trying her best to take in every drop of tea that the holy chalice could possibly hold. Once she'd drained the entire abomination of everything it had, she turned away from her sister and delivered the biggest spit-take she'd given in nearly three centuries.
"Much better!" she said. "Now Luna, as you were saying?"
"I'm pregnant with Dusk's child."
"Oh yeah, that." Celestia groaned. She was growing far too old for this kind of nonsense. Unfortunately, her sister didn't seem to have. "Care to tell me why you didn't at least use a condom?"
"A what?"
"Silly me, I forgot that they hadn't invented those yet."
"Sister, I truly didn't know that I could even get pregnant! It's not like I'd ever encountered a case of someone getting with child after having a wet dream with somepony," Luna stated.
"Wait, what? You only had dream sex?"
"Well he's in Ponyville and We are in Canterlot, so..."
"So what you're saying is that you're having pregnancy pangs from having dream sex with my personal protoge?" Celestia asked.
"Yes."
Celestia just sighed with relief. She was really worried there for a moment, but the issue seemed to have been ungrounded. After all, dream sex could never lead to an actual pregnancy, right? Right?! Hehehe, of course not!
"Have you recieved an ultra-sound yet?" she asked.
"Well, no, but-"
"But nothing! You're just worried over some phantom pangs, sister dearest. Besides, everypony knows that the royal physicians are unreliable," Celestia said. She chuckled idly at the memories of her father actually thinking that bloodletting under a full moon was a real practice of medicine. "How long have you been pregnant?"
"About seven or eight weeks, I'd guess. I didn't exactly keep track," Luna replied.
"Well that's good. Baby stallions are a real pain to deal with. If it was one, you'd probably have felt physically ill by now."
"Really?"
"Indubitably. Well there's nothing for it; let's go visit a propper doctor."
The doctor stepped back nervously with a clipboard still firmly in her hoof. "I'm truly sorry," she said. "But the bottom line is that you are quite pregnant."
"Well...shit."
"There's no way that can be right, Tia! You told us that there was no way that the royal hunk could get us pregnant from dream sex!"
"You're speaking in third person again."
"Of all the asinine, stupid comments to give about something as important as this, we only now find out that I'm truly pregnant! So much for your modern science and gizmos! The bloodletting ritual was truly right!"
"Calm down, Lulu," Celestia said, trying to placate her little sister with a carefully placed backrub. The doctor was busy trying desperately to spot the latest crisis going on with the dustbunnies in the corner. She was quite successful.
"Calm down? CALM DOWN?! How the hay am I supposed to do that when I am pregnant with the child of your student?! A student who oh so happens to be ignoring my messages in regards to all of this! Do you have any plan to even inform that miserable SON OF A BI-"
"Would you like a cookie?" the doctor timidly asked. The death glare she received from both alicorns told her that no, Luna did NOT in fact feel like having a cookie at that very moment. "A-alright then, I'll, um, be in my office reading over, uh, charts and stuff."
Celestia waited for the poor mare to scurry off before turning back to her sister. "I think you should just tell him the same way you had sex with him."
Luna frowned. "I can't say that to his face, sister. All this time he thought I was just a piece of his imagination. He didn't know we were actually having sex, and I've been basically taking advantage of him while he slept. You could almost call that rape! No wonder he hasn't been replying..."
"Don't say that!" Celestia said, pulling her sister into a tight embrace. "It was consentual, whether or not he thought it was real. Hay, you didn't even think it was real until you found out you were pregnant!" The older mare lifted her sister's chin with a hoof. "Don't blame yourself, okay?"
"That's easier said than done," Luna said with a huff. "Still, I do see your point. Oh Tia, what am I going to do?"
Celestia looked pensively out the nearby window for a moment before looking back at the soft bundle of sadness she had her hooves wrapped around. "I don't know yet, but I do know that you need to tell him. If he won't listen to your letters, then you should get into his head. You're quite good at that, you know. Mother would be proud."
Luna snifled. "Really?"
"Of course she would! Now chin up and be brave. Hiding from your problems won't fix them, and you know it."
"A-alright, sister! Let's get this over with! Besides, there's no way that Dusk could possibly be awake this late. What can possibly go wrong?" Luna said.
The universe listened.
Meanwhile, with a young stallion up way past his arbitrary bedtime...
"Alright, Spike! Let's just make sure that no one walks into this room while we finish this spell. I've been setting this up for days and we can't afford for anything to go even slightly wrong," Dusk said, carefully setting the last reagent into his latest alchemical formula. "With any luck, we can stop that nasty scrotum regeneration of yours."
"You really should read these letters. Luna wanted them to be delivered to you ASAP, and it's been days! Besides, I kind of like having extra balls..." Spike replied.
"You and I both know that having that many testicles is really bad for your health. And I already told you, I can't afford any distractions until we finish this project. I don't want to have to repeatedly pay for your operation out of the royal funds every year when a simple potion can potentially fix it."
"Well then why don't we see Zecora? She's a much better alchemist than you are."
"What was that? I didn't hear you."
"I said-"
"Here, hold these for a moment while I fine tune this harmonic barrier. We really wouldn't want the whole male populace of the town to suddenly lose their genitals, now would we?"
"What if this goes wrong?" Spike asked. "One miscalculation and everything will go horribly!"
"Which is why we have to do this perfectly. Now go lock the basement door. As long as we don't have any sudden distractions to mess up the ritual, nothing can possibly go wrong," Dusk said. His horn lit up for a moment as he placed a couple candles fairly nearly where they had been when Pinkie had helped him break the fourth wall just last week. "Alright, do you have that door properly secured?"
A slight clanging sound made it clear that the deadbolt was now in place. "Yup!" Spike called out.
"Alright, now step into the circle. Everything's ready, so we just need you to get into position and then we can get this over with," Dusk stated, moving himself adjacent to the transmutation circle.
"Are you sure about this?"
"Yes, I'm very sure!" Dusk replied. "As I said, as long as nothing interrupts our ritual, you'll be perfectly fine!"
"I'm putting my trust in you for this one, man. You owe me big for this."
Dusk just chuckled. "Oh Spike, you do realize that we're fixing your problem here, right?"
"Yes, a problem that arose from you cutting my balls off without doing any research, if I recall correctly."
"Touche, good sir. Touche...Well then, on to the proceedure!"
"Herr Doktor. You know what's best!"
"Good! Now let's get started." Dusk waited until Spike had placed himself well within the hastily scribbled 'X' in the middle of the pentagram before beginning.
"Okay, this might hurt a little," the unicorn said as he started to put some magic into the system. As long as the magical matrix was maintained, the inscription should do the rest of the work flawlessly. "There might be a slight tingling as-"
Everything turned black as Dusk slumped onto the floor, consciousness suddenly departing. There was a brief moment of azure-blue flame as the spell collapsed in on itself with the sudden mana starvation that occured when its magic source was cut off. Spike probably would've been burned to a crisp if it weren't for the fact that his scales were physically impervious to all forms of flame, both magical and not. That didn't make him immune to the blunt force trauma from flying out of a high energy explosion.
"Urghh..." the young drake muttered as he slowly came to. It took a moment for him to get his bearings, and a slight headache was starting to drive its way into his skull.
"Dusk?" he called out. Spike quickly noticed a lavender unicorn lying slumped against the wall opposite him. "Dusk? Dusk!" he cried out, running over to his wingpony to see if he was alright.
"Dusk, are you okay?!"
When no response came, Spike just slumped back.
"Shit."
At the same time, in magic lunar hentai bunny land...
Dusk slowly shook his head as he came to. That spell matrix was supposed to be infallable, but then again, nothing ever really was. Well there was nothing for it, he might as well sit up and wait for consciousness to return to him. It's not like he knew any spells to magic himself awake anyways.
"Hmm...maybe I should invest some time in learning a few of those?" he asked himself.
"Hey sexy."
Dusk Shine knew who that was even before he opened his eyes to look. His lips turned into a smile as he saw Luna standing over him. He didn't know why he'd been dreaming about her so much, and he didn't really care.
"Hey Luna! It's good to see you." He nuzzled Luna affectionately.
She smiled, gaining a bit of confidence. He wouldn't be talking to her like that if he hated her. Dusk slowly stood up, still reeling from the effects of the failed ritual. It took him a moment to remember the pair of wings that rested on his back, but he happily stretched them out when he did.
"I was just trying to do this little experiment on my assistant when I messed up. No wait, that came out wrong."
"It's quite alright. We...I have something to tell you," Luna started. "I haven't been fully honest with thee..."
"What do you mean, Luna?" Dusk asked. He was starting to grow a little confused, the Luna he knew in his dreams wasn't normally this talkative, though he honestly couldn't remember considering the amount of time he'd spent staring at her sexy bunny suits. "If something's wrong, you can go ahead and tell me."
"It's...I don't even know how to tell you this, but I'm pregnant."
"Lol, what?" He chuckled in response.
"Just what I said; I'm pregnant," Luna said nervously. Her mane continued to blow listlessly in the ethereal breeze as they sat there patiently, waiting for the other to speak. Dusk just sat on in silence, idly preening a feather every few moments to distract himself.
"Well..." Luna started, breaking the silence.
"Well, I'm rather glad this is a dream. I guess I can say whatever I want here and not have to worry about it coming back to bite me, right? Maybe I'll use this as practice for in case this ever happens in real life," Dusk stated. "I really wouldn't want to mess this up on the first go, after all."
"Um, Dusk?"
"Yeah, Luna?"
"I'm being serious right now," said Luna. She decided right about then was a good time to start preening as well. It was oddly therapeutic when in stress.
"Well shit, I don't even know what to say. Congratulations, I guess? I mean, I just thought you were a dream this whole time. Stupid me, of course I forgot that you can probably dreamwalk. The night's your domain, after all!" Dusk chuckled idly. "It would also have been stupid for me to assume that you weren't sleeping with a partner in the real world as well. After all, polyamory has been legal since about fifteen-hundred years ago."
"So wait, you think that I've sleeping around with other stallions?" Luna asked, dumbfounded.
"Well yeah. I mean, I can't recall sleeping with you at any point in the waking world, and everypony knows that you can't just get pregnant from banging in your sleep! That's just the kind of contrivance that a bored author would come up with in either a shitty novel or a really good fanfic."
"Dusk..."
"Not that I'm comparing fanfiction to poor writing or anything, but there is definitely a link between writers who haven't managed to get anything decent published by a well respected publishing house and people who sit at home writing endless miles of text about something that's already been written and explored."
"Please listen to me, Dusk."
"Like with Pinkie Pie. I mean out of all my friends, why'd she happen to be the only one other than me who likes to write fanfictions about Daring Do or Princess Celestia? It makes no sense! I'd certainly have pinned Rarity for a shipper, but no!"
"Dusk!"
"WHAT?!"
Dusk only started to realize that he'd been ranting. The young stallion took a deep breath to calm his nerves before stating the obvious. There wasn't any use in beating around the bush, any scientist worth his salt knew that much.
"It's mine, isn't it?"
"Yes, the child is as much yours as mine," Luna replied.
He looked at Luna for a moment before seeing the hearbroken expression on her face. The young stallion stood up and moved to her side, wrapping his dream-wings around her. "Shh, it'll be okay," he said when she started to cry.
"Will it?" she asked, looking up with tear-stained eyes.
"I don't really know," was all he could say. "But we'll find out together, okay?"
Sometime later, in Dusk's basement.
Dusk belabored his groaning as he came back to consciousness. His talk with Luna had been rather...interesting. Still, the young stallion was going to need to take some time to think over what he'd just heard and how he responded. Granted, she was absolutely gorgeous and she had a glowing personality, but that didn't mean he was at all ready for a long-term relationship.
"Ugh..." he muttered. "Well whatever the case, I'd better check to make sure that spell didn't do anything too devastating."
"Um, Dusk?" asked a rather feminine voice. "I think it may have done just that."
"Who are you?" Dusk asked, looking for the source of the voice. "I honestly don't recognize you."
"It's me, Dusk."
"Spike?"
"Yeah..."
The young stallion gasped when he looked over at Spike. She looked right back at him.
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The Unexpected Love Life of Dusk Shine Continues
The Stare Master: Fluttershy Goes to Boot Camp
The only sound that broke the still mountain air of High Hrothgar was the gentle clacking of Fluttershy's hooves against stone. It had been quite a long time since anypony had bothered to hike up the seven thousand steps to meet up with some old unemployed pacifists, and the stones had grown a bit of moss over them. Still, the young mare knew that her father's advice was critical.
The troll had been a bit of a challenge, of course. Fluttershy didn't know why they kept one, but at least there was a conveniently located huntress nearby to do the fighting for her. She walked right past the body without any real concern.
It took Fluttershy nearly an hour to make it around the mountain even after fighting the troll, but at least the building was starting to come into sight. It stood there, grim and staunch as if nobody ever came to visit. Which, honestly, nobody did.
Fluttershy gulped, not sure if she wanted to walk up to the buiding and try to socialize with complete strangers. They might just be old pervs waiting around to get their grubby hooves on her.
Despite all of that, the small fortress grew bigger and bigger as she grew closer to its gates. She was overawed by the size of something so far up the mountainside. How did they even manage to keep it so well maintained?
"Wow, t-that's impressive!"
"It's only a model," the huntress stated before taking in her surroundings. "Are you sure you're safe from here?"
"Yes, I am."
"You don't have to do this if you don't want to, you know."
"I k-know, but I h-have to."
"Alright, but you really should listen to what I said about joining the Air Force. They've got a much better package than these old coots anyways."
"I'll keep t-that in mind, thanks!"
The large, abandoned doors to the shack the Greybeards called home gave the entire building a decrepit feeling. Fluttershy gulped nervously one more time before knocking.
"Who is it?"
"Um...it's Fluttershy."
There was silence for a moment before she heard talking on the other side of the large double-doors. "I don't think anyone's actually there, Boss."
"Shh! You're not supposed to be talking when company's around! Remember, they all think that we destroy stuff just be talking!"
"Why do we do that anyways, Boss?"
"Because...because they need to be warry of us! It'll keep bandits away, and you know how rampant they are throughout Skyrim! There are honestly more bandits than civilians in this country!"
"I bet you're just trying to keep us quiet to let you do all the talking!"
"Am not!"
"Are to!"
"Am not!"
"Are too!"
Fluttershy sighed before knocking again. Maybe this really wasn't worth the trip. Still, her father had been very clear about her needing to go out and see the old farts. Something about them 'making a mare' out of her, whatever that means.
"Shh! Somebody must really be there!"
There was a slight shuffling inside before one of the doors creaked open. An old, wizened pony snout popped out of the doorway. He took one look at Fluttershy before shouting "No solicitors!" and slamming the door behind him.
"Wait!"
There was a slight pause before the door opened again.
"Yes? Can I help you?"
"H-hello, my d-d-dad said that you c-c-could help me with my sp-sp-sp-speech impediment."
"Did he, now? Why the hell would he send you up here then?"
"B-because you're g-g-good at, um, shouting?"
The old goon looked down before sighing. "Yes, we used to do that. But that was from a time long ago, in a different world. We don't train new Greybeards anymore, and certainly not if they're mares like you."
"Oh, okay then. I'm s-sorry I bothered you. I'll be going now..."
If the Greybeard heard her, he didn't pay any attention. He was too busy ranting to even notice as she started to trot away.
"Not that we have anything against mares, mind you. It's just that we wouldn't be 'Greybeards' if any of us didn't have them. So there was this one time where a mare wanted to..."
Fluttershy didn't really care what he was saying when she turned around the bend. Whatever her dad said about needing to become a 'Doe-vah-keen' or something, none of that really mattered. Bunch of old farts anyways.
A little later at a nearby Equestrian Air Force recruitment station...
"Next!" the orderly shouted as he stamped yet another pony through the enlistment office.
"U-um...hi."
"Who the hell are you?" the stallion asked, idly inking his stamper to admit the mare in front of him.
"M-my name's....Fluttershy..."
He paused for a moment, trying to process what the buttery yellow pegasus had said before stamping her papers anyways. "Yeah, whatever," he said, handing her back a folder and a dufflebag. "Just don't come crying to me when the drill sergeant laughs you out of the Air Force."
"W-who's the drill sergeant?"
"Your worst nightmare," the orderly responded casually. "I've heard rumors that he eats new recruits that give him sass with a side of barbeque."
"Oh...um...I hope he doesn't eat me too."
Fluttershy watched as the orderly looked her up and down. He paused to think for a moment before chuckling. "Oh, I don't think you have too much to worry about. He likes them fat, from what I remember. Something about Pyle and jelly donuts."
"Okay, um, thanks!"
With that, she turned around and slapped her dufflebag over her shoulder. She followed the throng of ponies as they passed through the doors towards an awaiting train, handing her stamped papers to another orderly in passing.
All the ponies in front of her were pushing and shoving, trying to make their way to the train leaving for Camp McCaren. Fluttershy felt herself forced to the side as a pair of larger stallions crowded their way to the front.
"Hey!" somepony cried out indignantly when she found herself face-first in the ground. Fluttershy didn't even realize that she'd dashed forward to help her up until she had her hoof around the pony's leg.
"Here, let me help you-"
"Hey, watchit!" the mare snarled into her face before helping herself up. "Only a whimp would bother with your help. Now get the buck out of my way!"
"Eep! O-okay..." Fluttershy answered, cowering away from the mare she'd attempted to be friendly with. Were all ponies around here this mean? She'd thought it was just a Cloudsdale thing. Maybe it was a pegasus thing.
After everypony worked their way onto the train, Fluttershy followed onboard. She started looking around for a spot to sit down at, hopefully with room for a dufflebag. The ponies around her just glared.
"This seat's taken."
"We don't take your kind here, whimp."
"Leeerrooyy Wwiinggggkiinss!!"
"Don't even try to sit here, you little punk!"
"I like pants!"
Someponies were even moving their dufflebags in her way just to keep her from sitting next to them. Some of them looked at her with a sneer, some with indifference. Nopony was friendly, that was for sure.
"Hey look, it's that whimp again!" shouted the pony she'd tried to help just a few minutes earlier.
"Yeah, don't try sitting with me you wuss!"
"Wow, you're so pathetic looking. What're you doing here?"
"I-I d-don't-" Fluttershy started.
"You could sit here, if you like."
For just a moment, the raspy sound of somepony's voice pulled Fluttershy's attention away from the train's resident bullies. She turned around and looked to find a young mare waving for her to sit down.
"Oh, um, alright."
Fluttershy took a seat next to the strangely nice pony. The filly next to her was a bright cyan pegasus, thick locks of rainbow colored hair streaming down her neck. She was almost painful to look at. Seriously, who designed that color scheme?
"Hi, my name's Rainbow Dash. What's yours?"
"U-um...it's Fluttershy."
"I kinda didn't hear you. Care to say that again?"
"M-my name's Fluttershy."
"That's better! That's a really cute name, Fluttershy."
"Thanks."
Just like that, the two of them hit it off. While Fluttershy was more than a bit timid at first, she opened up fairly quickly to the bombastic extrovert that is Rainbow Dash. The rest of the trip to boot camp was a blast for both of them as they swapped absurd fillyhood stories about pranks, colts, and their favorite candle scents.
The two of them were just starting to bring up matters like family and why Rainbow Dash's mane was the color of a gay pride parade when the train pulled in for a complete stop.
"Looks like we're here," Rainbow said, grabbing her nearby dufflebag. Fluttershy copied the motion, reaching up for her gear.
"ALRIGHT, YOU MAGGOTS!! I WANT ALL OF YOU TO HOP OFF OF THIS TRAIN IN RANK AND FILE, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!"
"YES SIR!!"
A big, buff pegasus strode onto the train, his face screwed up like he'd had a few too many warheads for breakfast. Fluttershy chuckled; maybe that's what drill sergeants did to look scary?
"DID SOMEPONY JUST LAUGH?! WHO DID THAT?!"
Silence.
"FINE, BUT DON'T THINK I WON'T BE TELLING YOUR INSTRUCTOR!! BECAUSE IT'S YOUR FIRST DAY, I'LL BE NICE WITH YOU!! DON'T EXPECT THAT OUT OF YOUR INSTRUCTOR!! PRAISE THE FLOCK!!"
Everypony made their way off of the train, trying hard not to be noticed by the sergeant's glare. They all filed into a good sized building, trying to keep the required 'rank-n-file' order they'd been given.
"Places, you maggots!" a gruff voice shouted from behind the opening door. Everypony in the room immediately took their places, trying their best to look as inconspicuous as possible. It wasn't working. In strode the physical embodiment of might, power, and pathetic wing size. A gigantic, mighty form marched forth like a blazen piece of glowing marble, cut straight from the hardened material by nothing short of the might of the gods. His chiseled face stood out, firm and unrelenting against his strong white fur, the epitome of strength and valor.
Everypony was still for a moment, taking it all in. They were in perpetual shock, amazed by his magnificent features. Everypony present started to wonder if the had just discovered the eighth wonder of the world. At least, until they noticed one little detail.
"My God, look at his wings!"
His wings were about the size of a pigeon's at best. That was all it took for all the fairly mindless ponies in the room to bust up in uproarious laughter, belting out guffaws without caution of any of the collatoral damage that throwing out such powerful artillery could do. Needless to say, the crowd was causing an uproar.
"YOU MAGGOTS BETTER GET BACK IN LINE, NOW!!!"
Just as quickly, all the local idiots who were laughing at his wings shut their little traps. Fluttersy heard Rainbow barely suppressed a snicker at that. The sergeant (or whatever he's called) promptly directed everyone into a line with the mere wave of his hoof, and they of course complied.
"Now I want to see some wing out there, or else you'll have my wrath to contend with! Now give the praise!"
"Praise to the flock," the group replied rather unenthusiastically. The commander instantly went full overlord on their poor, depraved souls. "God save us all," one of them muttered.
"THAT'S NOT LOUD ENOUGH!! LOUDER!!"
"PRAISE THE FLOCK!!"
"LOUDER!!!"
"PRAISE THE FLOCK!!!"
"LLLLLOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUDDDDDDDDEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
A collective gasp spread through the crowd as they prepared themselves to belt out the loudest shout their lives had ever or would ever witness. The captain's eyes immediately lit up with demonic glee as he anticipated the coming blast of the pegasi's vocals getting blown in a similar fashion to M. Shadows.
"PPRRAAIISSEE TTHHEE FFLLOOCCKK!!!!"
Somewhere in Gryphus, a small bowl fell over.
"That's more like it! Now get your sorry little flanks out onto that field! We have to go in ten minutes, and no loligagging!"
As directed, the pegasi flooded out the doors to the nearby field of clouds. Fluttershy looked nervously at her companion, but followed suit regardless. Perhaps things wouldn't go so well...
“Places, maggots!” yet another monstrously buff Pegasus called to them as they streamed into position on the nearby field. “We’re going to do this by name. Your instructors are on the east side of the field. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, fly too far west. If they lose sight of you for any reason, you’ll be failed, immediately. If you fail, I'll personally rip your wings off, hang you by your spleen, and play jump-rope with your intestines. Am I understood? Just take deep breaths. Stretch your wings one last time. Also, kiss the pony next to you square on the mouth, because you're going to need it. The test will consist of five sections: Weather clearing, weather clearing, more weather clearing, weather clearing, and finally weather clearing. Clear the clouds by any means necessary, and you'll do fine. I don't care if that's by kicking them with your hooves, flying through them like butter, or just plain bashing them with those idiotic faces you kids all seem to have. Do you have any questions?” The commander paused, carefully glancing at every single pony in the room. It looked like there were no question, considering the fact that there was a small amount of drool dripping from the nearest pony's mouth. She smirked, flexing her dudely muscles.*
"Alright, get ready to get wrecked!"
Three hours later in a moldy mess hall....
Just as stated, all of their time was spent diving headfirst into annoyingly thick clouds. Whatever they thought they were joining the pegasus Air Force for, it seemed that the instructors had a different idea all together.
"That was awesome!" Rainbow Dash yelled.
"R-really?" Fluttershy asked.
"Well duh! My brothers and I have been clearing skies for years. It was really fun to mop the floor with those other ponies' faces. You didn't do too badly yourself, Flutters."
"U-um thanks."
A quick glance around the mess showed that all the tables had been folded and moved aside. Whatever it was that they were about to do, eating probably wasn't on the list.
"What's going on here? I want grub!" one stallion shouted.
The doors burst open, the mare instructor from earlier moving in. She looked around her and smirked.
"You thought that this was just going to be simple weather duty and then you'd get to eat, didn't you? Well I'm going to be upfront with all of you; that was just the warmup. I'd like you all to meet your new senior drill instructor."
Everpony waited anxiously. If this wasn't their senior drill instructor, they certainly didn't want to know who was going to be in charge of them. One brown-coated stallion was rather glad that he'd been born with his genetics.
"Hello, Darlings!"
Their jaws all dropped as a beautiful unicorn mare strode into the hall. She looked around her with a smile, nodding to everypony in general. Her face turned to a scowl as all of the stallions started jeering.
"Hey, sexy, wanna buck?!"
"Woot, that's a fine ten-bit ass you've got there!"
"SHOW ME YOUR PUSSY!!"
She sneered, looking over the rabble before interjecting. "As much as I'd enjoy drilling all of you, I'm not your instructor. I'm just here to pick up the new uniform order that your instructor requested."
"Well then where is he?" somepony asked.
"Right behind me."
"I am Gunnery Sergeant Hoofman, your senior drill instructor. From now on, you miserable maggots will speak only when spoken to. The first and last words out of your filthy sewers will be sir. Do you maggots understand that?"
Just like magic, everypony in the room stood a little straighter, trying their best not to draw attention to the small but frightning pegasus drill instructor who just marched into the room. He looked around himself critically before marching down the nearest line of new recruits.
"Well?"
"Sir, yes sir!"
"Bullshit, I can't hear you! Sound off like you've got a pair!"
"SIR YES SIR!!"
"Don't forget to praise the flock."
"PRAISE THE FLOCK!!"
"What the buck did you maggots just say? Do I look like a bucking priest?"
"NO SIR!!"
"Do you guys like ketchup?"
"SIR, YES SIR!!"
"Good, you'll need it to coat my gun because the next one of you inbred pieces of moldy shit that says that stupid line 'Praise the Flock' is going to end up on his knees with my rifle four feet up his ass! Am I understood?"
"SIR, YES SIR!!"
Sergeant Hoofman continued to walk down the line, looking at each recruit to see who would crack first. Finding nopony stupid enough to do so yet, he continued with his rant.
"If you ladies leave my training alive, you'll be a weapon, a minister of death praying for war! Until that day, you are pukes, the lowest forms of life on this good earth. You are not even bucking equine beings! You're nothing but unorganized pieces of amphibian shit!"
Everypony tried to keep a straight face, all of them trying very hard to put all of the practice from their poker nights into use with the hilarious sounding pegasus.
"Because I am hard, you will not like me! But the more you hate me, the more you will learn that I am hard but I am fair. There is racial biggotry here. I do not look down on hornheads, mudponies, stripes, or airheads. Here you are all equally worthless!"
"But sir, we're all pegasi!"
"Who said that? Who the bucking buck just said that?!"
"I did, sir!"
Sergeant Hoofman quickly strode his way over to the admittedly ugly stallion who said that. He quickly bitch-slapped him across the face before continuing.
"My orders are clear: I am to weed out all non-packers who don't pack the gear needed for my beloved Marine Corps. Do you maggots understand that?"
"But sir, this is the Air Force!"
"Who said that?!"
"I did, sir!"
The same stallion stupid enough to comment before found himself with a face-full of smelly old hoof stuffed into his mouth.
"Do you think you're in charge here, Private?"
"No sir!"
"Bullshit, I think you're a ringleader!"
"No sir!"
"Would you like to be in charge? Do you think you can lead my beloved Marine Corps?!"
"No sir!"
"Are you scared yet, private?!"
"Yes!"
"Yes what?"
"Yes sir!"
"Well thank you very much, you pathetic worm!"
The sergeant stormed back to the front of the line before continuing with his ongoing monologue.
"So do you all understand that?"
"SIR YES SIR!!"
"I asked if you understood that, not if you could whimpler like a bitch! LOURDER!!"
"SIR YES SIR!!"
"Bullshit, I can't hear you!"
"SIR YES SIR!!"
"What's your name, scumbag?" Hoofman asked, stopping in front of the closest recruit.
"Sir, Private Chaser, sir!"
"Bullshit, from now on you're Private Cloud! Do you suck dicks, Private Cloud? Do you like that name?"
"SIR YES SIR!!"
"Well I'm sorry to disappoint, but they don't serve dicks in this mess hall!"
"SIR YES SIR!!"
"What're you saying 'yes sir' about? Did I ask you a bucking question, Private Cloud?!"
"SIR NO SIR!!"
"Well then shut your filthy sewer!"
"SIR YES SIR!!"
"This is a Marine Corps, not an namby-pamby army platoon! Our instructors don't watch childrens' shows made for little girls, so you'll have to speak up like you have a pair!"
"SIR YES SIR!!"
"But sir, some of the drill instructors in the marines also watch-"
"YOU AGAIN!!" the sergeant shouted, wheeling on the loudmouthed private who just couldn't seem to learn to keep his trap shut. Another bitch slap later and the drill instructor was all over his case.
"Who the buck are you, Private?!"
"Private Wingkins, sir!"
"You don't look like a Wingkins to me, Private. From now on, you'll be known as Private Wingkins."
"Sir, but you just said that I didn't look like a-"
"What was that, Private?!" Sergeant Hoofman shouted before slapping him across the face again. A large, red welt was starting to form on the young stallion's visige.
"N-nothing, Sir!"
"Speak up, Private Wingkins!"
"SIR NO SIR!!"
"Bullshit! You'd better speak up before I unscrew your neck and shit down your throat!"
Rainbow couldn't take it anymore. While she was managing to keep her face fairly straight the whole time, watching somepony getting a railing like that didn't sit well with her. She had to do something to get the guy off of the poor stallions ass.
"Is that you, Daring Do? Is this me?"
"Who said that? WHO THE BUCK SAID THAT?!"
The sergeant wheeled around on his hooves, marching over in the direction from where the voice had come. His face was quickly turning from the lighter beige coat on his body to the livid red of a furious step-mother.
"Who's the slimy little comedy shit, twinkle-toed cocksucker down here who just signed his own death warrent?!"
Rainbow glanced over at Private Wingkins to motion for him to stay quiet just as he was about to say the voice was a mare's. For once, the brash pegasus did as he was told.
"Was it you, Private Cloud?!" the sergeant yelled. "No, it was you, wasn't it! It was you, scroungy little shit!!"
"SIR NO SIR!!"
"Well I'm about ready to tear you a new hole down your ass, you little scu-"
"IT WAS M-ME, S-SIR!!"
The sergeant turned around, looking straight at Fluttershy. She kept her best straight face the whole time, trying her best to prepare for the coming maelstrom of hurt that was heading her way.
"So you think you're a comedian, huh? You know what, I like you. You can come over to my house and bang my sister anytime!"
Fluttershy gasped, falling on to her knees as she felt the wind getting knocked out of her with a solid kick. To this day, nopony knows the physics behind how Hoofman could deliver a celiac plexus strike to a pony's diaphram, but that didn't seem to stop him.
"You little punk, you little shit! You think you're funny?! You will not laugh, you will not cry, you will no pass go and collect two hundred bucking dollars! You had best unbuck yourself before I unbuck your head and shit down your neck, Private Joker!"
"S-SIR YES SIR!!"
"Private Joker, why'd you join my beloved Marine Corps?"
"T-TO LEARN H-HOW TO BE A MARE, SIR!!"
"So you're a killer?!"
"W-What? I d-didn't say t-tha-"
"Let me see your warface!"
"Sir?"
"You've got a warface? AAHHH!!!" he shouted, snarling. "That's a warface! Now let me see your warface!"
Fluttershy scrunched her face before trying to give it her best go.
"Bullshit, you didn't convince me! Show me your real warface!"
"You don't scare me! Try better!" he shouted, slapping her across the face.
"AAAHHHH!!!" Sergeant Hoofman screamed in utter terror before shitting himself. He ran and hid behind the nearest cadet he could find, not wanting to face such a frightening image.
"Sergeant, calm down!" shouted one of the earlier instructors who had, until that moment, been sitting still with popcorn while they watched the poor recruits soil themselves. It took a few moments for Sergeant Hoofman to calm down, but he stood up straight and looked Fluttershy calmly in the eye.
"Well it seems we've found our candidate for Weapon Plus," he said, turning back to his underlings. "Fetch the Doctor, will you?"
Four days and several lab experiments later....
"Um, w-what are you doing?"
"Now, now Fraulein, this won't hurt a bit."
"O-okay."
"Archimedes, get out of zat equipment!" the gryphon shouted, picking up his stupid looking pidgeon before turnign back to his subject. "Filsy birds."
"Um, what're you d-doing?"
"I'm preparing for ze medical procedure!"
"Which is?"
"I have no idea!"
"O-okay," Fluttershy said, before lying back down on the medical table. She noticed the doctor reaching into a box of strange items before turning back around.
"Now, Fraulein, I'm going to vant you to sit back and relax. This will only hurt a little..."
A shot of morphine and the strange sensation of pressure in Fluttershy's groin was all that she noticed over the course of the next hour. It felt oddly...pleasant.
"At last!" the doctor shouted before turning away from his finished product. He looked so huggable.
"D-doctor, yur so huggable."
"Quiet, Fraulein. You're still on ze morphine right now."
"Oh...hehehehahahahaha!! I can see my fingers!"
"You don't have any fingers."
"I have seven armpits in my gazebo!"
"I'm getting too old for this," the old doctor muttered before switching on the intercom. "Scout, I need you to get ze good Sergeant up here. It is complete!"
A few minutes later and the drill sergeant strode in through the double doors. He looked over at Fluttershy for a moment before turning back to the doctor.
"How'd it go, ya german shit?"
"It vas another successful procedure!"
The two of them walked over to Fluttershy's bedside, looking down at the results.
"Sweet Virgin Mary, that's huge!"
"Yes, it vas up to your specifications!"
"This should work perfectly! Thanks, Doc!" Hoofman said, slapping the doctor across his back. The gryphon medic rubbed his shoulder with an annoyed expression.
"Yes, vell she needs a few days of sleep for it to settle."
"Yeah, yeah, I hear ya. Do you hear that, Private Bloodsplatter? You've finally grown a pair!"
And that, boys and girls, is how Fluttershy grew a dick.
The Unexpected Love Life of Dusk Shine Continues
Rainbow Dash is Best Pony: The Crossover
This is a literal continuation of the original story, The Unexpected Love Life of Dusk Shine by Meme-Asaurus . All credit to the original goes to him. See blog here for permissions. I more than highly suggest that you read the whole story before reading this since this literally picks up where the last left off. This isn't a sequel, this is a Part II. If you're too lazy to read the whole thing and for some reason still want to read this or you're looking to catch up on the last couple chapters since it's been a while, at least read this: Rainbow Dash is Best Pony: The Premiere.
Ever heard of the old addage, "Don't play with fire?" It was first coined by Chief Pyro back before the caveponies had quite discovered writing. During his quest for fire, the young alicorn had tried to figure out a way to harness the power of wildfire as he searched for ways to make them less susceptible prey to their gryphon neighbors.
As it turns out, setting fire to the nearby forests to flood the gryphons out was pretty stupid since they could just fly out. The same couldn't be said for the large number of unicorns down there at the time, which is the reason why they've been the least populated pony tribe ever since.
When his eldest granddaughter, Celestia, discovered how to harness the powers of the sun, he had to remind her of this after she started experimenting with solar flares to cook vegetables. After having to clean up the bodies of millions of dying dinosaurs, the elder alicorn warned her of the dangers of playing with fires and it had become simple common sense ever since then.
The same philosophy can be applied to almost anything in life, whether that be an oven stove, a firearm, or a strange magical bottle of highly caustic fluid. Whenever you try something dangerous that you don't understand, you're likely to make a mess.
This was very true in the case of Rainbow Dash. With a single beat of her wings, the cyan mare blasted through the nearby wall at barely subsonic speeds, throwing everypony in the stadium back in their seats and properly correcing Derpy's eyes all at the same time.
"Woah!" she said, pulling herself to a stop almost a mile above the stadium. "Did I just do that?" She looked down to find the ponies staring up at her. She'd put enough distance between them in a few seconds that they were nothing to her but ants. "So. Much. Awesome!"
Rainbow took a deep breath before diving back down. She felt the usual splipstream of pre-sonic speeds pass her by in a split second before she broke the sound barrier for the second time in her life. "Yeah!" she shouted. Still, it wasn't enough.
The stadium blew past her in ten seconds flat as she slammed into Mach 2. The sound cone around her was shredded as it ripped itself appart around her. Still, it wasn't enough.
"Must go faster!" Rainbow cried as she accelerated. Just as she slipped from light speed into ludicrous speed, she felt reality shift around her. She had just a moment of realization of the stupidity of it before the world turned rainbow.
Rainbow Dash shook her head, trying to dispel the dizziness that settled from the crash. She tried to stand up, pulling her legs up under her before collapsing again.
"W-where am I?"
"DHX studios, of course," replied a rather feminine voice.
"G-god?"
"Actually it's Faust. Lauren Faust," Faust answered. "But in your case I suppose that's close enough."
Rainbow's vision started to clear up enough to make out the figure looming over her. It took a few seconds for her brain to flick the reboot switch and adjust to her new settings, but after a few updates she was able to register the figure in front of her.
"Sweet Celestia..."
The ape stood nearly five and a half feet tall, a height rivaling that of even the princesses. Her eyes were deep and piercing, and the granny blouse she sported only added to the ominous vibe that she exuded. A cup of Starbucks was settled in one hand, a pen in the other. It was obvious that she'd been writing something moments earlier. Naturally, Rainbow Dash reacted in the bravest way possible.
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"
Like a boss, Rainbow bolted out the nearest door without even bothering to open it. She dashed boldly down the halls of whatever place she'd landed in, everything passing by in a blur. It took her several moments to realize she didn't even know where she was going.
"Rainbow Dash, wait up!" Faust cried out behind her. "I just want to talk!"
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"
Several more turns down the hall and a quick left found the mare in an almost identical spot. She lightly panted as she waited to hear if her creepy stalker was catching up. After a few moments of silence, she managed to calm down a little.
"Now where am I?" Rainbow asked to herself, taking in her surroundings. Apparently she was in the middle of some type of asylum filled with flourescent lights and whitewashed walls. The only thing breaking up the endless stream of white was the occaisional steel doorframe standing out.
She spotted a nearby doorway with a picture of a pony on it with the words 'Writing Staff' emblazoned below it. Curious, Rainbow decided to take a look inside. She stood up and cautiously trotted over to the door, trying her best to quietly open the barrier in front of her. Years of physically impossible manipulation of obviously round doorknobs had taught her how to be discrete.
The room within was filled with the sound of dozens of typewriters clacking as scores of chimpanzees bashed away at the keys. One of them looked up for a moment, meeting her eyes with his own dull ones before scratching his pits and diving back to work.
"What. The. Buck?!" Rainbow asked to no-one in particular. "How does that even work?"
"Quite simply, Rainbow Dash," Faust said from behind her.
"AAAAAHHHHH-mpf!"
"None of that," Faust stated, roughly placing a hand over Rainbow's mouth. "Now be a good girl and quiet down or I'll edit you out of the show." When Rainbow calmed down a little, she took her hand off of the mare's mouth.
"What's going on here?" the mare asked.
"Oh, you mean the writing staff for My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic? Interesting you should ask." Faust looked around, staring at all the chimps around the room. One of them was taking a special interest in its feces. "I suppose I could tell you, but you've got to promise not to tell anyone. Am I understood?"
"Um...sure?"
"Good! Well then, have you ever heard of the Infinite Monkey Theorem?"
"The what now? I'm sorry, if you wanted an egghead you should've asked my coltfriend. Dusk's great at that kind of stuff," Rainbow responded. She looked back at one of the chimps before it started looking back at her.
"Freaky. As you were saying?"
"Well, the Infinite Monkey Theorem states that if something has the slightest chance of happening and an infinite amount of time in which to do so, it will happen. For instance, if you filled a room full of monkies with typewriters, sooner or later they'd eventually be able to write Hamlet."
"Okay, so let me get this straight. You were trying to cook a Hamlet? How many eggs did you use?"
"No, we were-gah!" Faust said, letting out an exasperated sigh. "Why did I create you to be so difficult? No, we were trying to come up with a good reboot for Powerpuff Girls. Unfortunately, due to deadlines and budget issues with having a proper writing staff, we had to pump out good content quickly, so we decided to test the Infinite Monkey Theorem! However, rather than getting coherent episodes of super powerful cartoon girls, we ended up with random, incoherent episodes of a show regarding technicolor ponies. We didn't have time to fix that so instead here we are!"
Rainbow snored a little louder.
"Rainbow!"
"Bwu-huh? Oh, I'm still here."
"Must you always sleep when I'm trying to say something important?"
"I don't know, didn't you mention creating me or something? You tell me," Rainbow Dash replied. She stiffled a yawn before making eye contact with the chimp again.
And the world learned that day never to hold a staring contest with a chimp.
"Dash, stop distracting our employees. We're paying them by the banana."
"Do chimps actually eat bananas?"
"You're missing the point, Dash," the woman breathed out. "Now can you be a dear and shut up?"
"Yes ma'am."
"M.A. Larson?" Lauren asked, turning to the chimp in question. It responded with a grunt. "I'd like you to get back to writing that Duskicorn thing for a few seasons down the line. Hasbro says they want to sell new toys."
"What's a Duskicorn?" Rainbow asked.
"Spoilers," the woman replied with a smirk. "Now would you like a tour?"
"Sure, why not."
Meanwhile at the Legion of Doom:
A hooded man was idly playing with his Tonka trucks when the door to his office burst open. The messenger stood there gasping for breath for a moment before regaining his composure and standing straight.
"Sir, I have dire news. It's from the Time Police!"
"Really?"
"Really!"
"Really?"
"Really!!"
"Really?!"
"Really."
"Well then spit it out! Can't you see Steve and I are busy?"
"They have requested your help immediately. Apparently there's been yet another Fourth Wall breach into our world!"
"Is it that pink pony again?" the figure asked with a despondant sigh. "I thought we already established with the Board that she's simply uncatchable, even for me."
"Um, no sir. This time it's a rainbow pony," the messenger replied, carefully giving himself room for a quick exit.
"Is she with the Gay Pride parade?" the hooded man asked.
"I don't think so. All we got reports of is some strange pony literally blasting her way into our world from the other side."
He chuckled at that. Somebody powerful enough to smash her way through worlds? Finally, a challenge worth accepting! He'd have her apprehended immediately!
"Ready my chopper!"
"Which one?"
"Bring out...the Harley!"
That rainbow haired pony had better watch out. She was no match for his kind of awesome!
Also meanwhile in the Cloudsdale Stadium...
"ROCK ON RAINBOW DASH!!!" screamed Booster Gold as the contrails of Rainbow's flight path burned themselves forever into everypony's retinas.
"What just happened?" Dusk asked, still trying to see past the rainbow-vision he'd just acquired.
"The Great and Powerful Trixie thinks Rainbow Dash just broke the boom-barrier."
"It's called the sound barrier."
"That's what Trixie said."
"No, that's--nevermind. Well congratulations to Rainbow then! Where is she, anyways?" Dusk asked, looking around for the pretentiously prismatic pony.
"She's not here."
Pinkie Pie had remained the only silent pony while everypony else was busy cheering. Her hair was slowly flattening as she looked around despondently.
"Pinkie, are y'all okay?" Applejack asked.
"She's in danger," Pinkie muttered. ""I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of fans suddenly cried out in terror and were just as suddenly silenced. I fear some terrible exposition has happened."
"Whatever are you talking about, Darling?" Rarity inquired.
"She broke the fourth wall. She isn't here anymore. They'll come after her too."
"Who's they?"
"They!"
"They who?"
"They!" Pinkie exclaimed.
"Who's they, Pinkie?"
"Them!"
"Pinkie, please make some sense!"
"They them!"
"Pinkie!"
"What?"
"Who's they?"
"Them!"
"...Damnit."
"Well whoever 'they' is, if we don't do something Rainbow could be in real danger," Dusk interrupted, bringing the two back to reality.
"I know," Pinkie whispered.
[You know you've got to do it,] Pinkamena intoned. [We can't let her just die on us like this. You know how that world is!]
She might get lucky and just pop up as a filly in a box.
[Don't be an idiot, Pinks! We both know that's just an absurd contrivance on the part of the fans designed to hit the feels! There's no way the universe would be that kind to her.]
Please...you know we're not allowed to do that anymore, Pinkie replied, head dropping in defeat. It goes against the rules. I'm not allowed to break the You-Know-What again or else!
[Just do it!]
No!
[Do it you wimp!]
But then he'll-
Just do it, Pinkie!
A-author?
Yes, it's me.
But I thought you weren't going to let me do that again?
Look, I need some exposition. This story is going just about nowhere and the last guy who tried to write this chapter ended up eating a can of worms on it. I need release, and badly. So can you do a tiny little favor for me and actually do something? I don't know, come up with your best. You are now officially free of the rules of wallbreaking for the duration of this chapter.
Really?!
Eeyup. :eeyup:
Pinkie's face lit up as the gears in her head started chugging. All the events going on in the human world started to catch up with her as she started looking at the future events to come.
Oh no!
[What is it, Pinks?]
This is bad! This is very, very bad! Pinkie thought to herself.
[What is it?!]
"They called in Him."
Everypony turned to look at Pinkie strangely. "What is that?" Dusk asked, trying to pretend he wasn't talking to Ms. Crazy.
"We've got to go back to Ponyville...Now!" Without another word, Pinkie Pie grabbed all the ponies present and ran out of the stadium with them in tow. The world passed by in a blur as they ran down the cloud streets to their parked blimp.
"Oh come on!" Dusk shouted as he noticed the ticket sitting on the side of his air balloon. Apparently he hadn't noticed the '30 Minute Parking' sign sitting next to their spot.
"No time for that! We must perform the Unholy Sacrement!"
Meanwhile, right outside the Cloudsdale Cloudsdome...
"I'm telling you, I will hurt you if you don't let me in," Spike threatened. He was at just about the end of his patience and this guy was really getting on his nerves.
"What're you going to do, nibble on me?" The security guard chuckled. "You're a bucking kid! Now scram before I have to scrape you off the permises!" The guard whipped out his mithril baton. Jeez, the Cloudsdale guards got all the best junk!
"You know what? Buck it! Let me ask you something, shit-bag."
"What is it?" the guard asked with a sigh. He really didn't have anything better to be doing with his time anyways.
Spike lifted his forearm up before showing the stallion a long stretch of scarred flesh. His scales were a bit twisted and gnarled in what looked like the result of some severe burns.
"Do you want to know how I got these scars?"
"Um...what?"
"Well you see, at an early age even dragons can burn. It's relatively difficult and we're very flame retardant. That's never mattered when faced with the torrent of heat that's known as Dragonfire. When I was a bit younger and first discovered my flame, I learned that the hard way," Spike said, menacingly approaching the stallion.
"Okay? What d-does that have to with anything?" the guard asked, shifting around nervously.
"Ever heard of third degree burns?" Spike inquired before promptly lighting the guard's stick into a glowing pile of molten slag. The stallion stared at his liquified weapon before looking back at the unamused dragon.
"Um.. I-I'll let you in then," the guard stated, still in shock at what he saw.
"Glad doing business with you, Scrote."
Spike was just about to open the door to the stadium when it blew open for him. A managerie of blurred colors rushed past him as the ponies he'd been looking for flew right by.
"Oh that's not even bucking fair!" he shouted indignantly. With an annoyed sigh, the dragon followed in their wake. "I just got in!"
A few blocks later found Spike staring down at an even more distant balloon drifting off towards Ponyville. He stood still for a moment, watching all his efforts to get the mail to his sort-of bro flush down the drain.
"Well...buck."
He turned to find his own balloon before finding it being towed off to the impound. He stared at it dumbfounded for a moment before running towards the cops.
"No no no no no no!!!"
"Sorry kid, but you were parked on a red lined cloud. That's for emergency use only."
"But it's a rental!" Spike responded.
"So?"
"I need that balloon!"
"That's just too bad, kid. Try parking in a better spot next time."
Spike stared angrily at him for a moment, looking from one cop to the next before an idea struck him. He lifted his arm up.
"Do you want to know how I got these scars?"
Back on Earth...
"And this is our Corporate CEO, Brian Goldner. Now there are a few things I have to tell you before we start talking to him. First of all, he does not
"Okay..." Rainbow Dash responded. "I don't even know what a brony is but I'll be sure to keep that in mind."
"Second of all, please address him as either Mr. Goldner or Sir. You aren't on a first name basis with him and don't even think for a second that you are," Lauren stated, eyeing her prismatic companion. "Finally, you must be sure wipe your hooves before entering. The cleaning lady isn't the most fluent in English due to her nationality and we really don't want to have to bother trying to translate 'Clean up Mr. Goldner's office, please,' into Spanish."
"Alright, I got that."
"Good. Now prepare to be awed by the brilliant mind that is Mr. Goldner. If it weren't for him, I'd never have been able to write you in the first place, so remember that. You exist because he allowed it. To you, that makes him your god. Am I understood?"
"Yeah, I hear ya!" Rainbow said, buzzing idly in place as she waited for the ape in front of her to open the door. "Can we go in and ask him about getting me back to Equestria already?"
She was suddenly surprised as Lauren took her into a surprise glomp. "Hey!" she cried out indignantly. Lauren squeezed her tightly for a moment before setting her back down.
"Sorry, I always wanted to do that," Faust said. "Well I guess you're ready then. It's been an honor, Miss Dash."
"Likewise, sort of."
"Here we go!"
The steel door slowly opened as Lauren entered first. Rainbow couldn't quite see past her as the woman entered the room.
"Boss? She's here."
There was an awkward moment of silence as another gay baby was born while Faust waited for a reply. A moment later she nodded her head and turned back to Rainbow. "He's ready."
Taking a deep breath, Rainbow Dash entered the room. She looked around for a moment before making eye contact with the Chief Executive Officer of Hasbro Incorporated itself.
"Okay, I'm not going to comment," Dash said.
The chimp made a quicky series of signs with his hands, looking indignantly at the mare. Lauren blushed for a moment before saying, "He's asking what you mean by that statement."
The monkey was definitely giving Rainbow the stink-eye, but she didn't comment. It wasn't like it would matter anyways, Lauren was just as much of an ape anyways.
"Oh nothing really, I was just finding it odd that you had such an interesting typewriter," she replied, her eyes shifting left and right. Some more signs quickly flew out of the monkey's hands.
"He says that's alright, not everyone knows how much of a boon having a laptop is."
"Where are you getting this?"
"Sign language, of course! He's speaking with his hands."
"Sure, whatever." Rainbow Dash deadpanned. "Not like it matters anyways, but-"
A loud beeping sound cut her off as the intercom drew their attention. Mr. Goldner held a finger up for silence before pressing the glowing red button blinking on the device.
"Sir, there's someone here to see you."
The chimp pulled out a nail file before tapping away on the speaker. A few more moments and the speaker responded.
"No Sir, it's the Time Police. They say you're harboring a reality felon on the premises and that they want you to hand him or her over to them immediately."
Mr. Goldner scowled, something that's rather difficult to pull off as an ape, before clacking away with his little strip of metal. "Of course, I'll take care of it right away," the speaker responded.
"How does she know what he's saying?"
"Oh that?" Lauren asked. "It's just Horse Code. Hasbro created it a few years ago to encrypt communications with chimps without having to rely on Morse."
"That's a stupid pun."
"You're one to talk, Little Miss Ponyville."
"...Point taken."
The chimp interrupted them by banging his head on the table and screaming out in chimp language. He then showed off a flurry of finger gibberish before turning his back to them.
"Alright sir. He should be here any moment."
Right on cue, a soft tapping came from the door. Lauren strode over to open it before backing up to let in the hooded figure. He stood there, dark and imposing as he waved the door shut behind him. His knuckles cracked as he racked his hands. Rainbow could tell just by looking at him that there must be at least a metric ton of muscle under that hood.
"W-who are you?"
The figure remained quiet, slowly reaching back to pull off the hood. As his robes dropped down to the ground, Dash got her first glimpse of the pinacle of manliness everywhere.
Rainbow's life went before her eyes as the man in front of her stood strong. She could see exactly what he was capable of just by looking at him. She'd never met him before, but she couldn't help but notice some things about him.
Chuck Norris had a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear wasn't dead, it was just afriad to move.
Chuck Norris didn't flush the toilet, he scared the shit out of it.
Chuck Norris never had a heart attack. His heart wasn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
Chuck Norris once got bit by a rattlesnake. After three days of pain and agony the rattle snake died.
Chuck Norris didn’t wear a watch. HE decided what time it was.
Chuck Norris didn't read books. He stared them down until he got the information he wanted.
Chuck Norris had no reflection, for there was only one Chuck Norris.
You get the point.
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"...I'm so bucked."
Meanwhile in Dusk's basement....
"Pinkie?"
"Yes Dusky?"
"Why did you have us gather the Cutie Mark Crusaders?"
"Because they're unstoppable, silly!"
"..."
"If anything happens to my little sister, you ain't gonna enjoy what I'm gonna do to you Pinkie," Applejack said.
"Why was I dragged into this?" Diamond Tiara asked. "I just wanted to go home!"
"Becuase you're a master of throwing tantrums and we'll need all the help we can get. Okay guys, I'm going to need a piece of parchment, a quill, a towel, a vial, some bandages, and a scalpal."
"What do you need those for, Pinkie?" Dusk asked. "Well more specifically, the last one?"
"Oh silly! I'm going to need all of those to perform the rite! Now light those candles like I asked!"
"Ffffiiiinnnee!"
Pinkie quickly got back to work carefully arranging the runes on the ground. There was a manic gleam in her eyes as she finished setting the boundary to the transmutation circle. "Just a little more and....there! Houston, we have lift off!"
"Pinkie, what does that-"
*Crack!!*
"My balls!"
[Not that it matters or anything, but what are you up to?] Pinkamena asked her counterpart. [I really don't see what the fuss with all of this is.]
Just preparing the universe for what I'm about to do. If I don't do this right, everypony you've ever known could die! Pinkie Pie stated.
[...]
...
[...]
...
[...]
...
[Please mess it up then.]
Why'd I want to do that, silly?
[...Nevermind.]
"Hey Pinkie, I've got the materials you wanted. Not that I know what in tarnation you're wanting them for, but whatever," Applejack said, trying her best not to look stupid.
"Oh thanks Aj!" Pinkie replied, quickly picking up the items.
"No problem, Sugarcube."
Everypony present watched in silent awe as Pinkie set up her materials for the coming ritual. She carefully placed the parchment in the center of the ring, eyeing it for a moment to make sure that it was a valid eight and a half by eleven piece of printer paper before taking the scalpal in hoof.
"Um Pinkie, what're you doing?" Dusk asked.
"Gathering the last ingredient."
The pink mare gouged the point into the end of her hoof, tearing along its length until it hit a satisfactory vein. Blood started dribbling profusely into a small vial as Pinkie gathered a sizable load of the reddish substance. When the vial was mostly full, Pinkie carefully placed the towel over the wound before reaching for the bandages.
"What the hay, Pinkie?!"
"Shh, I'm concentrating!"
"Pinkie, that was utterly-"
"I said ssshhhhh!!"
With careful focus, the mare dipped the quill into the blood vial before drawing out enough for what she was about to write. She knew she didn't have long with what they were about to face. She started scribbling down characters as she prepared the last part of the rite.
13
"Okay, everpony, when I scribble down the last part of this formula, I'm going to need you to all hold tightly onto either me or somepony holding onto me for this to work.
With a shaking hoof, Pinkie placed the tip of the quill on the paper before drawing the last numeral in the ritual.
13
0
The universe shifted around Pinkie as she divided by zero. The parchment was quickly replaced with a black hole as the universe regurgitated the physical impossibility. Fortunately for everypony, the wormhole was contained within the transmutation circle, opening a portal.
"Let's go!" Pinkie shouted, dragging everypony through the hole in time and space.
At the same time outside of Golden Oaks Library...
Spike was puffing heavily as he reached the door. The letters were a bit crinkled but otherwise unharmed as the young drake staggered through the doorway.
"I'm...home!"
At that very moment, he heard a loud tearing sound downstairs in Dusk's basement. Knowing something was up, Spike ran down the stairwell just in time to see everypony fly through a rift in reality itself before the universe fixed the seam.
"...Damnit."
Meanwhile on Earth...
*BBBBOOOOOOMMMM!!!!*
Rainbow Dash slammed through yet another wall as she tried to evade Chuck Norris and his amazing powers. Despite all the chemicals still floating around in her bloodstream, she was obviously outmatched by a factor of infinity.
"Why couldn't I have been born that awesome?!" she cried out in frustration as the invincible man walked calmly through the wreckage. The pegasus stumbled back onto her hooves as she prepared herself to fly through yet another wall.
"No."
Rainbow's wings froze as the solid sound of undiluted amazing hit her ears. All it took was one word from the axis of awesome for her to be rooted in place.
"Stay."
"N-no!"
"Silence."
She felt her mouth freeze shut at just the mention of quiet from him. Her world narrowed to a single point of light as he neared her. He was her love, her life, her everything.
"Obey."
Rainbow couldn't help but agree. This man was obviously the only thing worth following. His face was shrouded by light as he drew nearer, blurring out everything else in the room. She knew she was his, through and through.
"Listen."
She would. There wasn't any reason not to. Why had she even been trying to escape? No, escape was a poor term. What was there to escape from? He was perfection.
I wonder if he's a Wonderbolt.. she idly thought. Wait, what was a Wonderbolt? He didn't seem to be one, so apparently they didn't matter. All that mattered was the man before her. Chuck was love, Chuck was life.
"Follow."
"No, silly filly!"
A gigantic apple pie slammed into the face of the holy god before her. Chuck Norris reeled as delicious goodness smeared all over his face and into his eyes.
"Rainbow Dash!"
"Scoots?"
"C'mon Rainbow!"
It took a moment for her head to clear, but when it did Rainbow Dash realized that she was in the middle of a pile of rubble somewhere in the Hasbro facility. She looked around to find everypony present.
Pinkie was busy dodging Chuck's wild roundhouse kicks as Applejack prepared another pie to launch. Dusk was busy setting up some kind of spell system as Fluttershy and Rarity stood in front of the Cutie Mark Crusaders and...was that Diamond Tiara?
"How dare you strike this holy face with pie!" Chuck Norris cried out in rage, wiping the pie out of his eyes to get a clear target. "Not only have all of you broken the strictest of the Laws of Physics by coming here, but you have the audacity to sully my visage! Every single one of you shall die!"
"You gotta catch us first!" Pinkie said.
"Oh I will!" he replied, finally clearing enough of the gunk out of his eyes to see the pink mare. Recognition spread over his features. "YOU!!! I'll rip your entrails out and use them as-" He was cut off as Applejack slapped another pie into his face.
"Now Dusk!" Pinkie called out. The young stallion nodded before releasing the spell. Giant purple chains wrapped themselves around Chuck's limbs before anchoring themselves into the ground.
"No! You cannot bind me! I'M INVINCIBLE!!!!"
"I thought you were Chuck Norris!" Pinkie giggled. Chuck almost had the rest of the pie out of his eyes as he prepared himself to tear off his bonds.
"Aha! You can't defeat me!" He cried out as he tore off the chains. "I am God!" Another pie in the face and a new set of chains later saw 'God' right back where he started.
"Alright, DT! Work your charms!" Pinkie called out. The spoiled filly needed no more prompting before adopting her special talent: bitchcraft.
"WWWWAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! YOU RUINED MY DDDDAAAYYYY!!!! I'M GONNNAAA TELL MY DADDY AND HAVE HIM SUE YOU!!!"
"Oh no, not this!"
"I WANTED A CARIBBEAN ISLAND AND A NEW MANSION FOR MY BIRTHDAY BUT ALL I GOT WAS THE MANSION!!! WAAAAAHHHH!!!! WHY IS DADDY SO MEAN SOMETIMES? ALL I WANTED WAS AN ISLAND! WWWWAAAAAAHHHH!!!!"
"Please make her stop!"
"Now Applebloom! Sell him some apples!"
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"WWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
“Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples! Buy some apples!"
"WWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
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"WWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
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"WWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
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"WWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
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"WWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
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"WWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
"ENOUGH!!" Chuck screamed, blowing the shackles off of his body and wiping the gunk from his eyes. "I can't take any more of this from the lot of you! Go home already!"
"Okay!" Pinkie replied.
[That was surprisingly easy,] Pinkamena though. [I didn't honestly think that would work.]
"Of course it did, silly! The writer was just looking for some exposition on this chapter anyways and gave us free reign. Whatever we thought up would've worked! Why do you think you haven't been as psychotic this episode? It'd mess with the plot!"
"Pinkie, what are you talking about?"
*Crack!!*
"My balls!"
An hour later at Dusk's Basement...
During his annual visits to have his spare testicles removed, Spike had always needed some sort of outlet for his boredom. At first he'd tried his hand at art, from sculpting to painting to even nude posing. None of that particularly appealed however, and instead he found something more suited to the natural aggression and violence of a true dragon: Tae-Kwon-Do.
Years of practice had made the young drake very skilled at a variety of things, such as keeping balance on top of precariously high ladders, holding huge stacks of books twice his weight for hours, and a whole slew of other skills. One of those just happened to be headbutting.
This caused Spike to gain some skill at keeping his head intact after years of bashing it into almost everything in reach in frustration of dealing with his tyrant brother. He'd even kept a few cinder blocks handy just in case. Now happened to be one of those times where he was glad to have done so.
*Crack!!*
"Damnit Dusk!" he shouted before blasting his way through yet another concrete brick with his draconic skull. "You never bucking listen!"
*Crack!!*
"All I wanted to do was tell you!"
*Crack!!*
Just as he was about to place another block into smashing position, the room suddenly dropped several degrees in temperature. Having been around Dusk's experiments enough to know that usually meant something magical was going to happen, he stepped back and sat his newest block down.
Spike looked up in time to watch a portal open in the middle of the room. Rarity was busy whining to Fluttershy about how the rubble had gotten into her mane and Dusk was gently rubbing his crotch as the group heading back into Equestria.
"There you are!" Spike said excitedly, reaching over for the stack of letters Luna had sent. "I've been trying to get ahold of you guys all day! Here Dusk, read these letters. They're from Luna!"
"Not now, Spike. Can't you see we're all really tired?"
"But they're really important."
"Are they about the end of the world?" Dusk asked critically.
"Well no, but-"
"But nothing, they can wait until tomorrow."
"But-"
"Spike."
"Ffiiinnneee..."
"Hey everypony, the Great and Powerful Trixie was wondering what happened at the Young Flier's Competition?"
Everypony froze at that. "I wonder what did happen?" Rarity asked aloud. With that, everpony crowded into the living room to take a look at what went on back at the stadium.
"Breaking news from Cloudsdale! Apparently one of the athletes at this morning's competition disappeared right after winning the competition. Since she wasn't present for the award, it was instead defaulted to the runner up, a certain Leroy Wingkins."
The camera panned out to show a rather happy stallion hanging with the Wonderbolts before Dusk turned the television off. Everpony sat quietly for a moment, trying not to make eye contact with Rainbow Dash.
"You know what?"
Everypony turned to look their prismatic friend. She donned her cocksure grin as she looked back.
"I don't even care. After kicking plot on that royal badass back there, I don't really think those Wonderbolts look quite so awesome anymore."
"Heavens, Darling! Are you saying you don't want to be a Wonderbolt?"
"Pfff, as if! No, I think they couldn't handle my awesome. I faced Chuck Norris and won! No, I think I'll start my own team! It'll be so awesome!"
"Please tell me she's not," Applejack said, the sudden urge to facehoof taking over. "We'll never hear the end of this."
"Hey Rainbow Dash?" Dusk inquired, suddenly looking confused.
"Yeah, Hot Stuff?"
"Where's that vial of stuff I gave you earlier?"
And that, boys and girls, is how chickens are hatched.
