Xenophilia: A Lot To Digest

by SpinelStride

Rating: teen
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Rarity, Random, Human, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Rainbow Dash
Length: 1562

Spike accidentally gets a taste of meat. Fortunately Lero is living in Ponyville, and with his human background can give Spike some friendly advice. And then... Well. Who knows what might happen?

Spike The Dragon has always loved to eat gems, but he'll eat vegetables and rocks as well. He's even tried fish, since Twilight joined Herd Bellerophon with its pegasus and human members. But now he's accidentally found out what meat tastes like.

What ponies taste like.

Fortunately, you get to decide how it all turns out! A Choose-Your-Own-Ending-I-Don't-Care story!

Published 2014-04-28 03:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-28 03:30:02 UTC

The Setup

Given all the work Lero did around Ponyville as a handyman, the library got a surprisingly small amount of attention. The plumbing was in good condition, the door had long since been replaced by a design that could be readily replaced whenever somepony inevitably smashed through it, and the windows had been reinforced and left unlocked so they wouldn't need repairing every time Rainbow Dash came home excited. But he did do some things when he had spare time.

Like today. Lero was up on a ladder, carefully tacking into place a low bar on the surface of the top shelf so that in the event of a sudden impact, sliding books would have an obstacle to keep them from sliding out, without preventing ponies from lifting the books out. Still, being up on the top shelf made certain things almost inevitable. The moment his attention wandered, Dash would come flying through the window and they'd end up in a pile of books, or a distracted Twilight would run by with some research project floating behind her, or Pinkie would decide it was just the right time for a hug-delivered party announcement.

A quiet cough announced someone's presence. Lero carefully finished with the next tack, set the hammer aside, and looked down. Spike was standing at the foot of the ladder. There were times Lero was glad to be wrong.

"Do you need help, Spike?" Lero inquired, climbing down.

Spike nodded his head, but didn't speak. Little, purple, and scaly though he was, his body language was far, far easier for Lero to understand than the ponies. Even now, he still had to rely on his mares to point out each other's unspoken meanings at least once a day. He could almost always read Spike at a glance. He could tell what it meant, holding still, pressing a toeclaw down into the library's wooden floor like that, eyes down.

Lero just had no idea why Spike would be nervous right now.

"Is something wrong, Spike?" Lero gently prodded, and knelt down to bring his eyes closer to Spike's level.

Spike still didn't look up, but he mumbled something.

"I couldn't quite hear that?" Lero said.

"I... I said... What does meat taste like?" Spike finally mumbled out.

Lero had two ideas for what would inspire that question and that body language together, and he hoped it was the first one. "Spike, did the Cutie Mark Crusaders dare you to eat something again?"

Spike swallowed hard and shook his head. "Nuh-uh."

Lero sat down with his back against the bookshelves and tugged Spike into his lap. "Tell me what's going on, then."

Spike leaned back into him, but shook his head. "Tell me first."

Lero set a hand on the little dragon's shoulder and thought. It had been a while. "It depends on what kind, and how it's prepared. Beef is usually a savory and rich taste. Chicken doesn't have a strong taste of its own, but absorbs the flavor it's cooked with."

In a voice little more than a whisper, full of dread, Spike asked, "What about pony?"

Lero shook his head. "I wouldn't eat a pony, and neither ponies nor horses were common food animals where I came from."

"But what if you found out they were delicious?" asked Spike.

Lero looked down at him. "This isn't hypothetical, is it?"

Spike winced and ducked his head, almost curling up in Lero's lap. "I wasn't trying to! And I didn't bite her!"

Lero took a deep breath and patted Spike on the side. "Tell me what happened."

Spike stayed hunkered down. "I wasn't trying to, and I didn't bite her anyway, and she said she's okay!"

Lero patted him again. "Spike. Slow down. I'm not going to be mad. Just tell me what happened."

Spike groaned. "Pinkie Promise?"

Lero tried to smile reassuringly at him, but Spike wasn't looking up. "Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye." He didn't make the movements, though. Somehow Twilight's habit of forgetting to blink was catching, and that really hurt.

"Well... I was with the Crusaders, in their wagon while Scootaloo pulled us along. Sweetie Belle was in front, me in the middle, and Applebloom in back. Scootaloo cut a corner and there was a little branch, not big enough to hurt, almost a twig, but it had some leaves on it. Sweetie got hit in the face with the leaves and she got startled enough to have a magic surge, and it made the wheels fall off the wagon."

"I'm with you so far," Lero said, and waited.

"Well, we all ended up in a heap. But Sweetie started trying to get up, and I was about to tell her to hold still so I could get up first, and she stuck her leg in my mouth. Not her hoof. She got cut on my teeth." Spike swallowed again and hung his head. "We got untangled and she said it was nothing and she said she was sorry for kicking me like that, but I... Lero, it was so good!"

"And then what happened?" Lero asked patiently.

Author's Note

Originally put in the One-Shots thread, but never added there, so putting it up by itself.

Just something silly.

Yaoi End

Spike blushed. "Oh, Lero-Sempai, I was so confused! I knew I had to come to you for advice."

Lero was very confused about how Spike had even learned the word 'Sempai.'

Then they waited until Spike was a teenage dragon, then had sex.

Gotcha End

Spike paused, then rubbed the back of his neck. "I didn't know what to do, so I kinda left them so I could come ask you."

Lero smiled. "Well, first thing we do, let's go try some different cuts and see which ones are best. I'm a fan of flank steak, myself."

Spike stared at him. Lero's grin grew wider, showing his teeth. He picked up Spike and went down into the basement.

Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash were sprawled across the floor, red trails on the ground running to a drain from their throats.

Spike screamed, jerked free of Lero's grip, and fled.

Rainbow Dash sat up, snickering. "Okay, I think we totally have our Nightmare Night prank ready!"

Twilight started to sit up, then gurgled and clutched at her throat as blood sprayed out.

Rainbow Dash's eyes went wide.

Then Twilight turned off the illusion. "Gotcha!"

Creepy End

Spike paused, then rubbed the back of his neck. "I apologized to Sweetie, and we got her a bandage. They wanted to try glassblowing, and they at least figured out that it'd probably work better if they had someone fireproof on hand. I talked them into doing drawings instead. I still felt guilty, so I walked Sweetie home." He sighed. "I told Rarity what happened, and she gave me a hug, but she told me I should talk to you. What if she thinks I'm creepy now, Lero? A pony-eating monster?"

Lero hugged him. "Settle down, there. She knows you're an omnivore, she knows I'm an omnivore, but she's still our friend. She knows Rainbow Dash likes to eat fish, too, and she's still Dash's friend. She's not going to abandon you."

There came a knocking at the door. Resettling Spike onto his shoulder, Lero went to answer it.

Rarity was standing outside with a blank look on her face and red running down her chin.

"You were right. She was," Rarity said.

Good End

Spike paused, then rubbed the back of his neck. "I didn't know what to do, so I kinda left them so I could come ask you."

Lero smiled. "I think we're going to make an unscheduled visit to Canterlot. There's a griffon place that makes some amazing pork chops."

Spike blinked. "Wait, what? I find out ponies taste delicious, so you're going to give me more meat?"

Lero chuckled. "You're not going to eat ponies any more than I am, are you? Nothing that might have been able to talk."

Spike rubbed the back of his neck again. "I guess that works. So maybe I just like meat, and if I have other kinds of meat I won't get so worked up about pony meat?"

Lero nodded. "Exactly. Come on, Spike, let's leave the girls a note and go get some train tickets."

Buck End

Honeydew stuck her head in through a window. "PONY-EATING MONSTER!" she yelled.

And Lero bucked her in the face.

Bad End

Spike reached up. His claw easily slid through Lero's unprotected skin and cut his throat. The little dragon looked up, eyes burning red.

"When I finished with them, I decided to expand my palate."

Uh-Oh End

Spike paused, then rubbed the back of his neck. "I didn't know what to do, so I kinda left them so I could come ask you."

Lero smiled. "Well, first thing we do, let's go try some different cuts and see which ones are best. I'm a fan of flank steak, myself."

Spike stared at him. Lero's grin grew wider, showing his teeth. He picked up Spike and went down into the basement.

Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash were sprawled across the floor, red trails on the ground running to a drain from their throats.