Author's Note

Hey, there are five hundred new words at the end!

Second Dates-Celesticus Interrupticus-Cultloads of Fun!

Gilda suddenly jolted up with an emotion that startled me. Her eyes were burning with a fire of determination as she looked at me, the window, and then her wings. I, being the poor foolish ex lad that I was, didn't see it coming.

"We're going on a date." Was the only warning I got before she launched the two of us out through the aforementioned window.

I screamed, sky whipped through my hair, which still felt weird compared to my old hair, and I barely managed to catch my breath before she roared out of her dive and into a climb that almost forced me to unconsciousness.

She exited the climb right above the chimney height over what looked like a trading center. A second later I was on the ground, kissing it and giving it the respect it deserves.

"Gilda, what the fu-"

"Second date, can't be late." Gilda answered chearfully.

"WHAT?!" I shouted in confusion, still recovering from my near death experience in the air just now. Gilda looked sly as she slowly helped me up and led me by the arm. The ponies nearby were still recovering, and she made it through a herd of them without a issue. I was too tired to care.

We didn't stop until we were in front of a large outlet mall filled with ponies coming and going. Us stopping seemed to attract the attention of every single pony. It wasn't rubber necking, and it wasn't whiplash, it was literally just standing there and having every pony within a mile stop and stare. Obviously, it was the sort of unnerving situation Equestria had thrown me into on a hourly basis.

"Oh my gosh it's the princess and her fiancee!" A pony, probably young, shouted from among the crowd. Immediately there was a surge of autograph requests, babies to be kissed, and hot mares hitting on us both.

I'm not quite sure why that last one happened though. Gilda ignored the crowd with what seemed like practice, and instead politely lifted above the crowed. while holding me by my arm, and setting us back on the ground with the ponies behind us. Then, she ran. I, of course, hadn't expected this in the least, and my arm was roughly jerked in the socket before I could run with her.

We burst into the strangely medieval mall like a celebrity dragging another celebrity by her arm. Ponies inside had been going outside to greet us, and now Gilda's charge lead us right to them.

"Princess Gliding Dagger, please introduce us to your fiancée! We haven't heard much of anything besides her human origins." I heard shouted from a pony with a reporter hat and note pad. My skin paled as a dozen fanfics filled with dirt rag writers who harassed and brought ruin to many a poor innocent character came to mind.

"I'm afraid that me and my beloved require much needed rest. We may talk more later if you are courteous." To my great surprise, Gilda answered in a surprisingly official sounding voice. The reporter, to my greater surprise, backed off as did much of the mini horse herd. We became an island in a sea of empty space as ponies passed by us to give us space.

I took the moment to look around at the half medieval, half modern mall. The windows to the outside were stain glass and smallish, and the doors to the outside were big and oak. Inside was a totally different set of materials. Here the glass and signs of modern preference were in prevalence. The floor was concrete, but I imagined that was easier on hooves than it was feet.

Holy shit... It was... a weapon shop. Right there in the middle of the mall. I thought these ponies were peaceful! There were dozens of pony shaped weapons, and a couple obviously designed for things with hands, swords, knives, axes and the like. In one window was...

My precious.

"Hey babe, what would you like to get?" Gilda asks innocently from behind me. I, being the genius I am, pointed to precious.

"But babe, that's a-" Gilda stuttered out confused.

"Gilda, I want that damn thing. If you want to get me anything, let it be that." I told her in no uncertain words. Gilda looked shocked, I looked hungrily back towards precious, and the world watched us in confusion.

"Let's go to the shop and get a closer look. I'm certain the second you see those sharp blades you are gonna be put off. No way the ponies gave me a real weapon nut as a fiancee." Gilda answered in a confused but otherwise certain voice. I just marched towards precious.

Ponies got out of my way.

"Hello ma'am." a stallion in ironic pink greeted me when I stepped into the store. I said nothing, but pointed towards the window. The stallion blinked.

"Something for a-" The stallion stopped dead in his tracks as Gilda stepped in. Apparently, he hadn't recognized me.

"I want the Griffon War Axe from the far right window." I told him in no uncertain terms, he gulped, but found the breath to give one last stupid quip.

"Something for your bride to be then?" I shook my head no. He shut up.

Moments later I had that ax in my hands. It was beautiful, with a perfectly carved wooden handle, with a space for what I suspected to be a name or signature, and a head made of what looked to be a blue and wavy steel but it was hard to tell with the beautiful network of curls and knots and other Nordic fun things. It was damn fucking perfect, and I wanted it. What was the point of marrying a princess if you couldn't get cool loot?

Gilda gulped as she looked at the blade, the wuss.

"How much is this going to set me back" She asked in the tone of one who could afford such a expense, and was beginning to really wish she couldn't. The stallion paled, but then he got a mysterious glint in his eyes.

"How about a special princess discount?" He asked in the tone of one who had just thought of something devious. "You just have to wear it a few times in public, tell people where you got it. I'm pretty sure that's agreeable?" He asked slowly, not wanting to assume to much, but not wanting to miss what he thought to be an oppurtunity.

"How much?" Gilda asked again while smiling, obviously glad he paycheck wasn't taking as big of an hit.

"900 bits, with a 25% discount already factored in." The stallion answered hesitantly, not wanting to scare away customers.

"875." Gilda countered, he was too relieved to argue, and that's how I got my first and best weapon.

I wonder what I should name it?\

I walked out of the store without naming my axe. Gilda walked out giving me funny looks. My axe sat comfortably in its sheath. All was well.

"Okay øks bærer, where to now?" Gilda asked, partly in a Scandinavian language, but I honestly had no idea which. I decided to ask her later.

"Now, we get something to eat!" I declared hungrily. Gilda's stomach gurgled in approval, but she herself just rolled her eyes. I realized with a wonderful certainty that I wanted pizza. A nice greasy large pizza with pepperoni and pineapple. Mmm, that sounds even better than bacon chili burgers. Doubly so if I could get a pizza like that one pizza I got in Austin. Wait... "Do they even have pizza here?" I asked, uncertain. Gilda gave me a confused look.

"Do you mean that cheese and salad they serve on bread? Bittalian, right?" Ohh fuck. No New York Little Italy, no American pizza! This is the worst possible thing ever! Not inventing bacon chili burgers was one thing, but not inventing pizza was wayyyy... *sigh*

"Yeah, let's go get bacon chili burgers." I gave into my hungry gut. Reinventing pizza would have to wait for a Internet connection. Gilda looked uneasy.

"Look, if you really want pizza I can." I kissed her. I really fucking kissed her. Once the shock was gone from my system I felt myself go limp in her wings. They were warm. "Yo?"

"He, that's just for being considerate. No I don't want pizza, at least not pizza from this planet." I reacquired my strength about the time Gilda found her's. We picked ourselves up and she gave me a light squeeze. We pointedly ignored the staring crowd of "dawwwww"ing ponies, and she lead me out of the mall by my hand.

Gilda looked up into the sky and seemingly regained her fierce determination. I, with less dismay than before, was lifted up into the air and held aloft on dark brown wings. This time it was the infamous princess carry.

I didn't bother commenting on her choice of carrying position. I just has to assume that ponies and griffons called it something else, certainly, hopefully.

I'd ask about it later.

"Hello, I do believe this is a broach of protocol" A horribly familiar voice intoned with much gravitas. Most of the gravitas probably came from her big fat flanks. "And Alex, I do believe a 'I told you so' is in order." The voice continued. Gilda stopped mid-flight and I just kept my head buried in her feathers.

"Hello your majesty" Gilda greeted in a proper authoritative voice. She seemed strained, but she was carrying me and talking to Celestia, so that was to be expected. I didn't see what happened between them in the next few moments, but I found myself being carried back down slowly, gently. A few moments later Gilda's feathers became a untenable pillow as I was set standing upon the ground.

Left with no other option, I turned to confront Celestia.

"I told you so." So started and ended with that one sentence. I held back the urge to spit in her face, barely. Gilda somehow found this funny and ruffled my hair and...

Ohh yeah, I have fox ears and a fox tail, both blue. I'd kinda forgot about that, but here Gilda was messing with my fox ears. I wonder how they know they are fox ears, and not dog or pony ears? Wait, didn't fox ears have fur on the inside, white colored fur? I imagine that was a possible way of telling what species my ears were.

"Helloooo?" A obnoxiously motherly voice inquired in my left ear, I stepped back and glared at Celestia. "Awww, don't be that way. It's not like I have to wear the Element of Honesty anytime soon, and this way you got off on the right start." Celestia reasoned offhandedly. I caught Gilda glaring at Celestia in the corner of my eye, and wasted no time in joining back in.

"Geez, it's not like I didn't unite both of you with your true love from another dimension." Neither me nor Gilda saw any reason to stop. "Keep that up and I'll never give you internet." Fuck!

I turned away before I lost my last precious connection to my own world, and coincidentally all my Steam games. I could behave if I had too.

"Good, at least I have a leash on one of you. Now, since you two are doing such a good job doing exactly what I wanted, I've decided to reward you. No need to thank me." I ... huh?

There was a flash of teleportation and immediately all of my senses were assaulted at once. My ears rang with a wondrous "unce unce unce" as club music throbbed all around me. My eyes were blinded by what appeared to be a combination of pyrotechnical mastery, lasers, and smoke. My body shook with a great thunderous bass. My nose twitched as the deep smells of sweat, lust, cigarettes, and alcohol attacked all at once, and there was one other smell I didn't recognize.

Where the fuck was I? A club? A-

The fire and smoke cleared. All around us where graphic scenes of sex and consumption of the ilegal kind. Celestia glanced over to a mare I was shocked to recognize as Princess Luna.

"HEY SIS!" The Solar Sister bellowed over the music. A dozen ponies froze as they realized their Celestial goddess had caught them in a den of sin. Luna just laughed as she pulled her muzzle out from between a catatonic mare's back legs.

"Yeah?" Luna inquired playfully. Celestia turned back to me and Gilda and grinned.

"This fox/human promised to eat out this poor griffon, but never did." Oh fuck- "Mind teaching her the basics?" me! I looked up at Gilda horrified, and she looked down with much the same look. Luna just jumped over the dazed and appalled mare, who was now trying to cover herself, and trotted over to the two of us.

This was a fucking pony orgy!

"Now, Alex, what do you know about pleasing a mare?" Luna asked without a ounce of shame. I, still quite shocked at seeing the gamer mare, or at least the pony I had imagined to be a gamer mare, leading a orgy of this... complication, wasn't able to give much of an answer. "NOTHING?! Sister, we must start her lessons at once! I'm afraid that I can't allow her to practice on her beloved." I? huh? WHAT WAS GOING ON? "We must practice on one of the fine mares here. Luckily Gilda shouldn't be too different." I-

"Are you sure sister?" Celestia asked with a faux disappointed tone. "I had so hoped to witness this promise fulfilled now." Celestia continued, much to me and Gilda's much increased horror. Luna answered with a shake of her head.

"No, but I believe one or two nights of continuous lessons would have her ready to be the perfect...?" Luna let the sentence hang as a question for me and Gilda. A night guard came up, whispered something in Luna's ear, and trotted off. "The perfect Pet, for our dear friend Gilda!" She continued.

Cold, cold, COLD shivers shot down my back, and Gilda clutched me protectively. Of course, that brought on a round of blushing from me, which got one from her, which left us defenseless to Luna's attempt to steal me away.

I got one last desperate look at Gilda and Celestia before a bright flash whisked the two of them away, leaving me in this pit of depravity.

"Ahh sister" Celestia's voice began, seemingly from no where. " I'm afraid they have a date to finish. You can have the little fox when the date is done."

Brain, please tell me that gave you an idea.

Simple, never let the date end.

Anything better?

Nope.

Bollocks.

Yep.

Another blinding flash ended what I guessed to be one of Luna's arguments against such actions, and I found myself back in Gilda's wings. I, being the super genius who forgets all about teleportation, latched on like there was no tomorrow.

Me and Gilda drifted off to the same burger joint that we went to ye-... er, day before yesterday? Day before day before yesterday? I'm not sure how long I was in the hospital... but did it really matter? I had no deadlines, no calenders, no reason to do much of anything with much urgency. I could just lay back and...

Get married.

Frick.

That kind of weighed down on life. I mean, Gilda was really considerate, and caring, and... stuff, but I'm still not sure I'd have popped the question back on the Big E. Sure she had made my body feel so... but marry her?...

We didn't talk during our delicious meal, but Gilda didn't suggest ending the date either. I guess she had come to the same conclusion I had, the only way to keep me out of Luna's sexual training was to keep the date going on. Unfortunately, we both had to sleep sometime, and Luna could probably snatch me up the minute one of our eyes closed.

We finished our meal, but neither of us opted to leave the lavender covered table.

That's when it happened. The worst most horrible thing of my small miserable existence.

"GIVE ME THE HUMAN!" a mare roared outside of the fancy burger diner. Seconds later a gold armored stallion came crashing through the window. Lyra had arri-

A surprisingly white mare charged in.

Fleur had arrived...

What the fuck Equestria? Why was Fleur beating the shit out of guards to get to me?

"THE HUMAN RESEARCH CONCLAVE SHALL be... Why do you have fox ears and tail? Fleur stared at me completely dumbfounded. I stared back. We were at an impasse.

"There was a weird reaction to a poison." Gilda answered, seizing our attention and breaking our confused stalemate.

"We of the Human Research Conclave have come to claim the key to revealing all of Celesia's li... Why fox ears and tail? Is it a cultural thing?" I... I had no idea why! Why hadn't anybody told me why? Why hadn't I asked?

Gilda shrugged, and what followed was an awkward silence. What followed was even more awkward.

"Look, I kinda need to kidnap you and take you back to our lair." Fleur rubbed the back of her head and levitated up a syringe. Gilda started looking serious.

Shit was about to get real. I needed to say something."

"Look, I'll come voluntarily, but Gilda comes too." Good job brai-wait what? What the fuck brain! We do not want to go to their dungeon of super happy fun time!

Shut up Alex! They might have magic blockers.

What doe- ohhh right, Luna!

I relayed my idea to Gilda, obviously she concurred.

We left the diner after leaving some cash to pay for the window and our meal. Fleur teleported us to some undisclosed location, and I got to meet the cult of ponies who studied my species!

You want to know more? Hmmm, I guess I can go into some detail, next entry! MWA HA HA HA-... lol.