Have Intercourse With Females
Author's Note
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Have Intercourse With Females
Chad McSwag doesn't give a fuck. He has never given a fuck, and he will never give a fuck. Currently, he was ~~walking~~ swagging down the streets of Ponyville, middle fingers raised towards the bustling populace.
They didn't know what it meant, but he didn't give a fuck. The self-proclaimed god of swag was swagging down the street in his usual swagalicious style, skinny-jeans around his thighs despite the studded belt that was meant to hold them up. He didn't care. Chad McSwag does what he wants. That was why he was never invited to Pinkie's parties. The party couldn't even handle his swag. It wasn't because he was an unbearable asshole, that was impossible. Bitches were all jelly.
Chad was drawn out of his swaggy thoughts by a roar that nearly knocked off his ridiculously expensive sunglasses. Turning to the source of the un-swaggy sound, Chad gave his best glare. But between the popped collar of his jacket, the shade from his skewed snapback, and the ridiculously expensive sunglasses, there was little to see of his face.
"Get. OFF. MY. TAIL!" ...The fuck was this? Chad lifted his foot, staring shamelessly. Whatever it was, it had swag. It looked like a cross between an eagle and a fucking lion. There might've been something about these things in the class he took to get to Equestria, but school was for fags and he didn't pay attention.
"The fuck're you?" He asked. He knew it was rude, but he didn't give a fuck.
"Fuck you, that's what." The swagalicious thing responded, abused tail flicking with irritation. "Never seen a dweeb like you around."
Chad glared again. He might've given just a little fuck about being called a dweeb. "The fuck you call me?" He then whipped out his best and only fighting move: Getting uncomfortably close to the thing, arms out and glaring.
The thing was not impressed. Curling her foretalon into a fist, she socked the human in the gut. "I called you a fucking dweeb, man-bitch." Rolling her eyes, the eagle-lion thing turned and started walking away.
Chad McSwag doesn't lose. Standing up, he was certainly NOT doubled-over and wheezing like an asthmatic. The very idea was ridiculous. The swaggy ~~boy~~ MAN ran towards the thing, jumping onto her back and wrapping his arms around her neck. He had no idea how to do a sleeper-hold, but how hard could it be?
Damn hard. The thing reared back in an attempt to crush him, and succeeded. He grunted, but held on. "Damn you're a heavy bitch!" He grunted, before a pair of talons pried his arms loose. Almost instantly, a pair of golden eyes holding an unholy rage were glaring into his ridiculously expensive sunglasses.
"What...Did...You...Say." For the first time, Chad felt he might've made a mistake. Looking around, he wondered why none of the ponies were trying to help him.
They were ignoring him. The ones who weren't watching on with obvious amusement, at least. Following his gaze, the bird/lion thing gave a vicious growl. "The FUCK are all of you looking at?!" As if a switch was flipped, the ponies again went about their business. Turning back to Chad, the thing continued growling.
"No seriously, what the fuck are you?" Chad fired off, tired of thinking 'thing'. The thing went from livid to incredulous and livid in less than a second.
"...Seriously? You're that fucking stupid? Fucking dweeb...I'm a griffon."
"Sweet." He couldn't think of anything else to say, having never been in a situation like this before. "Kinda ugly, though."
The griffon sat up with an unreadable expression, blinked once, and then punched Chad in the face as hard as she could. "Shut the fuck up." Standing, she grabbed the collar of his jacket and started pulling him away. With possibly the first intelligent thought that day, Chad stayed silent.
The griffon tossed Chad against the wall of an alley. Even in Ponyville the alleys were relatively picturesque, so he didn't mind. However he did mind when the griffon wrapped her talon around his neck and pressed his back to the wall, snarling in his face. And he most certainly DID mind the griffon's free talon raking across his jacket, razor-sharp claws effortlessly parting the threads. Chad jumped slightly and yelped, shouting "watch it bitch, you'll ruin my swag!"
The griffon growled and ripped the rest of the ruined jacket away, tossing it carelessly. The shirt was next, made short work of by the griffon's claws. It wasn't until she had hooked her talons into his skinny-jeans that he actually physically reacted. Jerking his legs up and giving a girlish shriek, he swung an arm ineffectually at the predator. "These are new jeans!"
She growled and dug deeper, her claws beginning to draw blood from his hip. "I." She tugged. "Don't." The jeans were shredded and stained red. "Give." The jeans were tugged halfway down his legs, deep scratches left from his hip to his knee. "A." The jeans were tossed away with his shirt and jacket. "FUCK!"
Chad didn't squeal like a stuck pig. Not only was that the exact opposite of swag, but the talon around his throat was gradually tightening. His vision was already going hazy, and his swaggy thoughts were getting unfocused and sluggish. He barely had time to register his boxers being shredded before he blacked out.
Chad Mcswag slowly came to, his body slumped against the wall of the alley. His clothes were nowhere to be found, and his boy was covered in scratches, gashes, and various bodily fluids. He tried to sit up, but the stiff, burning wounds hindered his movement.
His swag...It was gone. Stolen by that griffon. The human turned his head to look to where a rhythmic clip-clopping of hooves was approaching him, and he saw a disturbed-looking Twilight looking at him. The purple unicorn hesitantly approached, looking him over. "Are...are you okay?"
Chad shakily raised one arm towards the mare...and flipped her the bird. Twilight gave a frustrated huff and walked away, leaving Chad Mcswag naked and bloody in the alley.
Chad, alone once more, picked his ridiculously soiled sunglasses off the ground and slid the goupy contraption onto his face.
"Swag."
