Draft

by Eagle

Rating: everyone
Tags:
Length: 3338

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Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-28 21:54:05 UTC

No. 1

“Are you serious!? You aren’t joking, are you?” Celestia gasped, choking a bit from the water she had gulped from the bottle of water.

“No joke; I’m taking Letterman’s place next year,” Colbert smiled from across the desk

“Oh congratulations Stephen!” the princess replied, wrapping him in a hug over the middle of the desk. “I’m so happy for you!”

Celestia calmed down a bit and released him, letting the comedian catch his breath.

“Yea, I’m excited too,” he replied, standing and straightening his suit. “Can you imagine it? The Late Show with Stephen Colbert; it’s a dream.”

“Well, you certainly earned it.”

“Thanks, though there’s another problem I wanted to talk about,” Colbert replied, his face changing from happy to more serious, though not in a deadly way.

“What is it?” Celestia asked, quickly drinking the rest of the bottle so as not to repeat her previous mistake in case of more surprises.

Colbert looked down and put a hand to his chin, thinking of the best way to put it. He had never really had to ask someone to do something quite like this before. He figured Celestia to be the best, or at least most reasonable, host to do it, which was why he called her to his office in his show’s building. Still, he wanted to be careful so as not to drop it so suddenly.

“Well Princess I’m sure you know that when you try to do something new, even when it’s good and successful, other problems will pop up,” he tried to explain, moving his hands from one side to the other. “How there are good and bad parts of everything.”

“Of course, plenty of times,” she replied. “I had that problem when I started my show, but I adapted well.”

“Right, and do you know what it’s like to make something and just cherish it,” he asked. “Like it was your child?”

“Oh, I see,” she realized, turning to her motherly tone. “You are scared to leave your own show.”

“That’s the problem,” Colbert admitted, leaning back heavily in a leather chair.

“I can understand it must be hard ending it so,” she comforted him. “It has been around since…”

“2005.”

“My, that is longer than I thought,” she said. “It will be a shame to end it after such a successful run.”

“Exactly; that’s why I don’t want it to end, technically,” the human replied. “That’s the main reason why I came to talk to you.”

“I am afraid I don’t really understand,” she replied. “Nor do I see what it has to do with me.”

“Of course I would have to leave for the new job, along with my crew, but The Late Show itself is still relatively the same; just with a different host,” Colbert explained the example. “I want to do the same thing with the Report; give it a new host, but let its existence continue.”

Celestia was smart enough to see where this was going, and did not need any more explaining.

“You want me to take your spot!?”

“That’s right, I’ve got a good deal of faith in you” Stephen confirmed. “It’d be easy to keep the big ‘C’ logo.”

“My, that is a big offer. I’ll… have to think a bit.”

In truth, there was not too much to think about. She had already attained plenty of experience during the years of her own show, as well as her own little following. Beyond that, ‘The Celestia Report’ did have a nice ring to its name. To be totally honest, she could hardly refuse such an offer.

“It is a very tempting offer, Mr. Colbert,” the princess replied, reverting into a more official tone. “I’m just a bit afraid of switching to a new show, especially so suddenly. It has a very different… tone to it.”

“Don’t worry,” Colbert replied with a devious little grin, crossing his arms. “I’ll train you.”

“You really think this will work?” Celestia asked Colbert from the back left half of the stage.

“I think so,” he replied, taking a minute to wipe his glasses on his shirt. “Why wouldn’t it? I’m ready, I’m pretty sure the people will like it. You’re ready, aren’t you?”

“Oh, of course, of course,” she replied quickly. “I suppose it’s just nerves.”

“Well don’t worry about it; you’ve got the whole first half of the show to relax.”

“I would much rather finish it now,” she replied.

Before the conversation could continue, Stephen was given the call that the show was starting, leaving Celestia to her own thoughts. It puzzled her a bit as to why she felt nervous; she usually was not, and she was not sure why it was happening now. Her brain quickly came to the conclusion that thinking on it would just make it worse.

Her own thoughts were soon drowned out by the loud, pompous play of the show’s theme, and the wild cheers that followed as Colbert ran out to his desk. The cheer continued in its usual fashion of chanting Stephen’s name as he took his seat. The chant continued, picking up in speed until the crowd erupted into a second applause.

"Thank you all, folks!” he replied as the noise temporarily drew down. “Nation, if it weren’t for your fanatical shouts, I might forget my own name.”

Whatever he wanted to continue with was drowned in another sea of applause.

“Trust me, I could listen to it all night, but we’ve got to get to it,” he said with a smile. “So, let’s get to it!”

He turned in his chair to a new camera’s angle and looked into it.

“Nation, you know the world’s always embroiled in war, and that’s just as clear now as ever. The North and South Koreans are still at each-other’s throats, Russia and The Ukraine are ready to start fighting, and CNN continues its uphill battle for people to take them seriously again.”

He paused to let the noise die down before continuing.

“It’s been burning, since the world’s been turning, and nowhere is that more evident than in Syria, where their brutal slog of a Civil War has been dragging on longer than our own brutal slog of Transformers movies,” he continued. “Most recently, the Government forces captured the city of Homs after three years of fighting with a cease-fire and the rebel's retreat.”

“Now this war’s been all over the new through the years from the use of chemical weapons to the vast destruction to the country’s fertile sand fields. Everyone here on Earth has been trying to solve the problem through the various means; we’ve tried taking Assad’s guns, others have tried giving him guns, so that’s clearly all we can do to try and bring the peace.”

He turned to a new camera angle as a new picture appeared on to the top left of him on the screen.

“Interestingly enough, someone wants humanity’s virtual suicide to continue, and not surprisingly, he’s not human,” Stephen explained. “The Equestrian God of Chaos and product of Dr. Seuss’s fever dreams Discord has recently been expressing his joy like a teen girl falling in love with whichever trendy pop group is currently ‘hip’ on the market.”

“To quote from an interview earlier this week,” he continued. “It’s wonderful because my world is far less violent and more controlled. Earth on the other hand has enough insanity to make it seem anarchist by comparison. I can’t help but love every bit of it, and I’ve become giddy every time I hear about someone attacking someone else as it brings forth so many chaotic possibilities.”

“He gets excited about the mayhem that war causes? He’s clearly never been to a KISS concert, lived in Eastern Europe, or gone shopping on Black Friday,” Colbert continued as a picture of each event popped up on the left. “Leaders around the globe are condemning this… I’m gonna say bad acid trip figure? Unfortunately, we don’t have any kind of rehab for rowdiness and my evil British nanny is busy watching Charlie Sheen this week, which leaves us to deal with this problem ourselves, and that brings us to tonight’s Word.”

He turned back to the first camera as the segment’s logo flew across the screen to its place on his right.

“Chaos Control,” he said. “Now this isn’t going to be an easy one, folks. We can’t really change ourselves all that much since violence and other troubles are a staple part of the human being. We can’t help wanting to murder everyone, it’s just in our nature.”

“Nature Vs. Nurture, now with more bombs!” the bold white words stated on the screen under the logo, still hanging on the right.

“So how do we rid ourselves of people’s violent desires? We get rid of people,” he explained. “I’d try getting rid of the more disturbing ones first. Warmongers, criminals, that irritating kid who plays games with his friends outside my studio; I’m talking about you, Billy!”

“Your hopscotch days are numbered!”

“And if that doesn’t work, we’ll just have to resort to special suicide,” Colbert continued, jokingly taking his theory to an even larger extreme. “I know it sounds crazy, but hear me out. We just get everyone on Earth to pop the C-pill, and this ‘God’ will be starving more than a Canadian in a Kraft famine.”

“Our Final Solution is actually final!”

Before the segment could continue, there was an audible phone ringing that interrupted his campaign.

“Oh, sorry guys; I’ll take care of this,” he said, picking up a large, black, wired phone from under his desk. “Hello. Yes? Uh… alright. Are you sure? I thought it would work. A-alright, sorry. Thanks.”

He hung up and put the phone back under his desk.

“Sorry, Nation, but ‘The Man’ has just asked me to stop telling you to kill yourselves,” he informed the audience. “They said that telling the entire human race to destroy itself might have adverse effects on everything, but I think they’re just tweaking the numbers again.”

“Well, I guess I’ll have to use plan B,” Colbert announced. “Break out the Holy Water, because this guy is ugly as sin.”

“His parents chose… poorly.”

“And that’s The Word, we’ll be right back!”

The show returned from its commercial breaks to the usual bout of music and wild cheering from the audience members. The front camera zoomed back in on Colbert to its normal view. From the beginning of the shot, Colbert put on a rather serious, solemn face, and kept in going until the noise died down and he got his chance to start speaking.

“Nation you know I love you, and you know I love this show just as much,” he started off. “You’ve been so nice to me, helping me get back on my feet from that last destructive relationship I was in.”

A rather old picture of Colbert on The Daily Show as a reporter appeared on the screen.

“And… well… if you’ve been keeping up, you might have heard that I’ll be moving on to a new show later this year,” he explained.

He paused for a moment to allow the crowd to release their sadness in the form of sighs and other unhappy tones.

“Look it’s not you, it’s me,” he claimed. “And I mean it this time because I found a job that’ll pay way more. Now why would I lie about that?”

“But Nation, do not fear,” Stephen continued, turning to one of the side cameras. “For even when I leave, I will leave you with someone to continue my work. But who can I trust to take over my show? Here to tell me if she’s ready to take over my show, please welcome Princess Celestia!”

He turned in his chair over to the right of the desk where the Princess was sitting, while the audience let out their own yells that lasted almost a full minute.

“So Princess, do you think you have what it takes to run this show? You’re stepping into some pretty big pair of shoes you’re stepping into; sixteen and a half, actually.”

Celestia blushed only slightly and chuckled; it was admittedly easier than what she feared earlier.

“Yes Stephen, I think I can do it,” she replied.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am very sure.”

“Very well then,” he said, changing his look to one of determination and judgment. “Then I must train you in the ways of the politically badass and morally righteous. Are you ready?”

“Yes.”

“Very well then; let it begin!”

The screen went black and shifted to a picture of the two in white karate gis, standing in front of two stands of concrete blocks, respectively labeled ‘Democrats’ and ‘people who wear fedoras wrong’, respectively. Colbert, with his black belt around his waist, easily broke through the first stack. Celestia, with her belt tied at the base of her horn, picked up her stack with her magic and hurled it at a picture and hurled it at a picture of the Vice President in the corner and shattering both, much to Colbert’s delight.

“My quest for a replacement began on this world, but after defeating Sylvester Stallone’s high score on Galaga, I quickly realized that this world had no suitable replacement for my powerful position,” Colbert’s voice narrated over a video playing. “So I decided to start looking at applications in the next world.”

“So why do you think you’re the best replacement for me on the Report?” Stephen asked from his seat in a simple, official looking room.

“Well I’m really good at throwing parties and everypony I meet says I’m a real great host,” Pinkie Pie responded from the chair across form him. “So I think a TV show would be really fun to do because it’s all about laughing! And I love to make ponies laugh, and people too! And animals too; most think they can’t laugh, but Fluttershy said they can. And my pet alligator Gummy seems to-”

“Uh, that’s really nice, but I think if I give you command over everything there it’ll turn into a seizure fest,” Colbert responded, cutting her off.

“Many of my other interviews went the same way as I struggled to find anyone, anything to continue the Report’s legacy.”

“I’m really excited to get a chance to teach Earth about Equestria!” Twilight said. “I could talk about our similarities and differences and our histories, sciences, and all sorts of interesting things!”

“Are you sure you’re at the right interview? You know I don’t broadcast on the Discovery Channel, right?”

“With each passing interview my hope faded.”

“I’m the best, fastest flier in all of Equestria!” Rainbow Dash boasted.

“Talk to MTV; maybe you’ll get a reality show,” Colbert replied.

“The Great and Powerful Trixie’s Report will have more than enough tricks to keep the audience amazed!”

“Yea well I can usually jut get a pack of sparklers and that tends to keep my kids busy for the day,” Colbert said. “Or even just a full lighter, that’s usually cheaper; gives them something to experiment with.”

“Each had some horrible fault that could not be overlooked.”

“I just love everything about you guys, you’re so amazing!” Lyra gushed in her chair. “I moved there and learned everything about the country and got a job and-”

“You’re stealing our jobs?” Colbert asked, pretending to write on a clipboard. “Sorry, I can’t allow that.”

“What?”

“I mean we’ve already got to deal with so many illegals from Mexico and Asia and all over the world, and you’re world’s just making it worse,” Colbert explained. “That’s two times the amount of immigrants we have to deal with, and that’s double the number of jobless Americans.”

“I really don’t think that’s right,” Lyra replied.

“Math doesn’t lie,” Colbert replied.

“But I’m a legal resident!”

Look, I know the government said a couple things and… poof, now you’re legal overnight, but-”

“It took me forever to finish all the qualifications!”

“Eh, time is relative,” Stephen said. “Next!”

“Nothing seemed to go the way it had to.”

“Well, I like everything I see so far,” the reporter said, looking over Vinyl Scratch’s profile. “You’re good with entertaining, have surprisingly good knowledge of our politics, and you’re… a musician too?”

“Yea, I love being a DJ!” she replied. “I kinda wish some of your tunes were the same though.”

“Wait, what?”

“I just think you guys need more dubstep,” she said. “And that early stuff wasn’t all that great; at least I don’t see what the big deal was. Like Elvis or those Beatle guys, they’re kinda over-hyped-”

“Get the hell out of my office.”

“I felt like there was nothing I could do,” the narration continued, showing a downtrodden Stephen walking slowly down the street. “But then I remember someone important, someone who thought just like me, someone who operated her own show just down the street from mine.”

“I would be honored to take the role of hosting the Report, Mr. Colbert,” Celestia said cheerfully.

“Excellent,” Colbert replied with a smug grin.

“I had finally found her, the one who would continue my work, and ensure the future,” the narration went on as the scenes changed. “But first, I had to train her fully.”

“What do you think about the government keeping tabs on everyone for security purposes?” Colbert asked.

“It’s a gross invasion of every American’s privacy, and it should be stopped fully and immediately,” Celestia replied, trying to sound as over-the-top as she could.

“That’s right, but you should go further,” Stephen said. “Tell them about how they’ll be watching all the time, like when you’re going to the bathroom, or having sex with your spouse!”

“I had to make her better, smarter, and… smetter.”

“Maybe there shouldn’t be any of restrictions on mari- ah!”

“No! No you fool!” Colbert yelled, spraying her with her water as if she were a cat.  “You cannot show weakness!”

“And with time, she became the mold I envisioned; the representation of the classical American spirit.”

“Why don’t we just invade someone to fix the economy?” she suggested. “The economy always goes up during wartime. So all we need to do to keep a good economy is be in a never-ending state of war.”

“That’s brilliant!” Stephen jumped.

“I wouldn’t have to worry about my show dying without me, she would be the perfect replacement,” the narration ended, as the final scene of the two staring off into the distance with the background of a massive American flag.

The video ended and it turned back to the studio, with the two still there. Both were out in front of the stage, with Celestia kneeling down as Colbert stood over her. Stephen held a sword in his hand, the same sword he had gotten as a gift from his love of Lord of the Rings; the hero’s sword, Narsil, or at least one of the swords that had portrayed it.

“Princess Celestia, do you accept this show, and all its responsibilities, and promise to use them to uphold America’s values?” Colbert asked.

“I do accept them,” she replied.

“Very well,” he replied, lowering the sword along her shoulders as if to knight her. “I, Her Excellency The Rev. Sir Doctor Stephen Tyrone ‘Mos Def’ Colbert, D.F.A., Heavyweight Champion of the World✱✱ featuring Flo Rida, La Premiere Dame De France, do herby pass the hosting of the Report, to you.”

Celestia rose back to her four hooves as the crowd cheered. The two turned to the audience and smiled warmly, waving to the gathering of people, who continued to applaud. Celestia had secretly been terrified over their reaction, but now she could not feel prouder. Colbert also had to admit he felt content; Celestia would make a good host. Everything would turn out alright.

“Thanks for watching, Nation!” Colbert yelled over the crowd. “From the newly founded Celestia Report, I’m Stephen Colbert, signing off! Goodnight!”