Rainbow Dash Buys a Fighter Jet

by Game-BeatX14

Rating: mature
Tags: Profanity, Random, Derpy Hooves, Violence, Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Nurse Redheart
Length: 2225

The fastest flyer in Equestria orders a Fighter Jet off the internet. Nothing wrong with that, right? She just wants to fly around in a jet. Loaded with weapons. And then land it safely. Yep. That's all.

The fastest flyer in Equestria orders a Fighter Jet off the internet. Nothing wrong with that, right? She just wants to fly around in a jet. Loaded with weapons. And then land it safely. Yep. That's all.

Shameless action trollfic/crackfic. This story is not meant to be taken seriously. Rated mature for violent, albeit totally absurd situations, plus language and other suggestive stuff.

Published 2014-05-01 18:10:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-01 18:10:04 UTC

Oh Cool, Missiles!

Rainbow Dash Buys a Fighter Jet
By Game-BeatX14

Rainbow Dash sat at her computer with her hoof between her legs, furiously clopping to pictures of mares in skimpy lingerie on the prominent website, equexxxtria.com. Suddenly, an advertisement appeared on the sidebar of the website. It displayed white text on a plain blue background:

Hey loser, you want to be even faster? Click here!

Rainbow took the bait, and to her surprise was brought to an unrelated website for selling airplanes and jets.

“Huh? How is this going to make me- Whoa sweet, how much is that?!”

She eyed the expensive cyan blue jet plastered on the front page, and it gave her a rush just looking at it. That long, shiny nosecone; the enormous thruster nested in the back. A slick glossy metallic blue paintjob that was as crystal clear as the sky itself. It even had enchanted landing gear so it could park on clouds. Awwww yeahhh...

She threw her left hoof between her legs again, and clicked the purchase button with the remaining hoof that wasn’t stuck halfway up her snatch. A message prompt came up:

Would you like to have it shipped via speed delivery for an extra 50 bits?

“Heck yeah, that’s my kind of delivery!”

CLICK. Purchase confirmed. Your order should arrive shortly.

She orgasmed all over the chair and fell into a wet heap on the floor before dozing off.

Thirty minutes later she was woken up by a heavy thruster, followed by a loud, resounding clank outside her cloud home. She burst out the door, and found the recently purchased jet sitting in her cloud yard, with a clumsy gray mare at the controls. Derpy Hooves unlatched the cockpit and hopped out onto the wingspan, smiling proudly.

“Heya Rainbow Dash, they told me you wanted a speed delivery, so I flew it here for you!”

“Awwww yeah! Thanks, Doopy!”

“It’s Derpy...”

“Yeah, whatever.”

Rainbow Dash bolted towards the plane and bucked Doopy over the side, sending her plummeting off the edge of her cloud home property. She climbed up onto the wing and threw open the fiberglass cockpit. Instead of reading the controls like a sensible pilot, she hammered all the buttons that looked important. The engine roared to life, and the jet lurched forward. Rainbow pushed ahead and flew jaggedly away from her house, descending a bit towards Ponyville. The surrounding area was pretty, but flying just to look at scenery was too boring. She opted instead to fly dangerously low and weave around buildings like a real pilot.

Rainbow Dash looked over the small town below. The structures of Ponyville flew below at an astonishing pace. Confused citizens stared up at the vehicle tilting back and forth wildly from her nonexistent piloting experience.

Suddenly, Rainbow noticed a set of several large buttons on the dashboard labeled “Missiles n’ lasers”.

“Nahh, I probably shouldn’t.”

Her inner devil spoke up. But Rainbow, maybe you could blow up all your annoying friends.

“Good thinking, brain! This dumpy town sucks horsecock anyway.”

She flew in loop de loops, firing a barrage of rockets, lasers and laser rockets all over Ponyville.

“Pew, pew, pew!”

The projectiles ripped several building into shreds, sending splintered wood and flaming debris everywhere. The citizens shrieked and dived for cover wherever possible, but Rainbow fired so many rockets that everything was on fire and the ponies probably all died. There was too much smoke to see, she couldn’t tell.

“MUAHAHAHAHAHA!” Rainbow continuing firing missiles around the town, and finally threw the jet into hover mode when she realized that everything was pretty much already destroyed.

“Aw, horseapples! There’s nothing left to blow up! UGHHH, this town is so small and borrrriiinnnggg.”

Suddenly, another jet flew into place in front of her and hovered, except this one was silver with a giant decal of bubbles on the side. A cutely determined voice echoed from the loudspeaker mounted above the cockpit.

“This is commander Derpy Hooves of the Equestrian emergency air response team. Land your aircraft now!”

“No, go away! I paid for this fair and square; you can’t tell me what to do with it!” Rainbow let off a spray of lasers.

Derpy dodged them, looping back around and firing off a wall of rockets at her. Not surprisingly, the endcaps were shaped like giant muffins.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

She slammed the yoke to the side and barely managed to avoid the deadly projectiles. In retaliation, Rainbow flew after the grey mare, firing off rapid lasers and peppering the side of her aircraft with sharp blasts.

Derpy rocked in her seat from the relentless impacts. The warning lights flicked on in the aircraft, and moments later the critical damage sirens sounded off. Making use of what wasn’t broken yet, she managed to rotate the thruster and turn the jet around to face her assailant.

Rainbow was still rocketing towards her in a blind fury; a suicidal collision seemed almost imminent.

“EAT THIS, YOU CLUTZY MUFFIN FUCKER!”

Dash clicked on her laser sight and aligned it with Derpy, then slammed a large red button. THUWUMP. A large, heavy bomb erupted from the main cannon, flying straight for her.

Derpy kicked open the cockpit and jumped forward, propelling herself with her wings. The plane exploded behind her as she thumped belly first onto the glass enclosure of Rainbow’s jet.

“Hey, get off! Raaaaaa!” Rainbow tilted the plane, trying to shake the mare loose. Derpy didn’t budge, clinging for dear life and clawing for the latch to open the pilot enclosure.

When she found the latch, Derpy slipped a small object into the cockpit. She immediately turned around and dove off the side, gliding away on her wings.

“What was tha-?”

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beepbeepbeepbeep.

“Well fuck.”

BOOOOOOOOOMMMSSSHHHHHH

The jet exploded into a giant fireball, launching Rainbow Dash’s battered and singed body through the windshield and out into the open sky. She blacked out before she hit the ground.

Rainbow Dash woke up in the hospital, tied to the bed with metal straps. The large room was lined with other patients whom had been injured from her shenanigans earlier. She looked forward with a sheepish grin. Derpy, Nurse Redheart and her five friends stood in front of the bed, slightly bruised and glaring at her with a piercing fury that made her sweat.

“Hey guys, I’m uh, sorry about that... Got a little carried awa-”

Derpy viciously slammed a cold hoof at her vagina, nearly breaking her pelvis bones.

“AAAAGGHH! Ow ow ouww, that hurts...”

“For the record, I’ve never fucked a muffin before. Though I did think about it once. Alright girls, who wants to go first?” The group stood in fighting stances.

“Wait, what!?” Rainbow screeched. “Girls, I’m so sorry, please don’t-”

The seven furious mares stomped forward in formation with their hooves outstretched, and pummeled Rainbow Dash for her wrongdoings. Even Fluttershy had no problem joining in, as one of the missiles had incinerated half her house along with her animal friends.

“I hope you’ve learned your lesson, Dash!” Twilight screamed. “Dash? Um... So did you learn- oops...”

Rainbow Dash was dead. They had killed her.

“You idiots, we weren’t supposed to kill her! At least not completely...”

Derpy looked confused. “We weren’t?”

“UGGHH! Stand back muffinfucker, let me try a healing spell quick.”

“HEY!”

“Oh, shut up. Liar, we both know you tried once.”

“Wait... but I was alone. How did you even know about that?”

“Funny story. Remember that time I gave you a ‘special’ muffin?”

“Yeah.”

“There was a camera in it. I was trying to get some footage of food moving through the digestive tract for a scientific study, but somepony decided to use it differently.”

“It was pretty gross, Derpy...” Fluttershy spoke softly.

Pinkie joined in. “I think it was totally fun to watch!”

“That sounds quite painful.” Nurse Redheart chimed.

“Girls!” Applejack interjected. “This talk about muffins in vaginas can wait; we need to fix Dash so we can beat her up again.”

“I agree with Applejack, calm down and let Twilight get this over with already.” Rarity exclaimed.

“Alright girls, back up and give me some space.”

Twilight charged up her horn and fired a spell at her battered corpse of a friend. Upon impact, nothing seemed to happen. Then out of nowhere Rainbow’s body exploded into a shower of blood and splintered bones. The others gasped in horror.

“Oops, wrong spell. Come on girls lets go get some Hayburgers. It’s late and I’m starving.” Twilight trotted casually out into the hall.

Applejack was the first to speak. “You know what; all that beating did make me kinda hungry, heh.” The rest of the gang nodded in agreement and walked out, even Nurse Redheart. They only managed to reach the lobby before the hospital manager stopped the group on their way out.

“Redheart, you’re still on shift! You can’t just walk out of a full emergency room like that. And what are they all doing here? Why are your coats stained with blood?!”

“Please, step aside. We’re hungry, and you’d rather not know.”

“Excuse me, I am your boss. Of course I need to know!”

“SHE SAID STEP ASIDE, BITCH!” Rarity screeched angstily before shooting off a spell and splattering the mare all over the lobby walls. The few guests who were there didn’t notice, as they were all busy playing games on their ponyPads.

“There. Now let’s go get our Hayburgers before those ruffian cops show up, shall we?”

The group trotted in unison over to the nearest restaurant, which was the only building in town still standing aside from the hospital. Unfortunately the only table large enough to seat them all comfortably was taken by a group of burly stallions.

“Hey ya’ll, get yer fat arses outta here. We’ve had a long day and you DO NOT want to mess with us.” Applejack demanded.

The biggest stallion at the table stood up and glared at here. “Who the fuck do you think you are, you stupid hick-”

WHABAM

Applejack bucked his face and tossed his body over the table on top two of the other stallions. The group scrambled up and ran away, both shocked and horrified.

Behind the counter, one of the cooks had been busy dialing the police since the moment they had walked it, seeing as they were already matted with blood and guts from their exploded friend. Suddenly they heard sirens. Sixteen police cruisers pulled up, with four armed ponies stepping out of each one.

”Stand down, or we will shoot!” The lead officer boomed over the loudspeaker.

“Oh, come on!” All of the friends exclaimed at once. Twilight quickly cast a shield spell at each of their bodies to protect them all, while Pinkie Pie grabbed Rarity and heaved her up, pumping her tail like a gatling gun. Rarity screamed.

”RRAAAAAAAA! WE JUST WANT SOME DAMN HAYBURGERS! FUCK OFFFFFFFF!”

Pinkie and Rarity continued firing a barrage of shots at the officers, her seasoned magical bursts blasting them to bits. Their bulletproof vests were no match for Rarity’s fury. Several shots pierced the armored cruisers and ignited their fuel tanks, causing a chain reaction of enormous explosions and flaming shrapnel. Bullets were flying everywhere, most of them rebounding off their shields and killing the officers who fired them.

Derpy, Applejack and Redheart dove into the chaos and beat up the remaining police ponies. Twilight stayed put, replenishing their shields as they wore down from the flying bullets and debris. When the scene had been thinned, she mowed the last few officers over with a laser spell that sliced through their cars and bodies with ease. Fluttershy simply watched it all from the table with a huge sly grin on her face.

Rarity spoke. “Ok Pinkie you can set me down now. I think they’re all dead.”

Pinkie smiled. “Thank Celestia; I thought we would never be able to eat!”

“Wait, hold on a second.” Twilight added. She turned towards the front of the restaurant and levitated the shaking cook from behind the counter; blowing her to pieces with the same spell she had used on Rainbow.

“Ok, let’s chow!”

Rarity levitated a batch of burgers out from the kitchen, and they ate together in peace. That is, until Celestia smashed down onto the table between them, fuming with eyes glowing in rage.

”What have you ponies done!? This is unacceptable, and you’re all in for some massive punishment! What do you have to say for yourselves!?”

Twilight spoke casually. “Hey, it’s Rainbow’s fault for blowing up the town right before lunch.”

“And where is she now?”

“Dead, because she’s an impulsive moron and we killed her.”

Celestia’s eyes widened in happiness and her tone softened. “Really?”

“Uh huh.”

“Well then, I guess this isn’t all bad after all. Alright ponies; just make sure you clean up this mess, and I’ll let you off with a warning. Toodaloo!”

She jumped up and flew away, levitating the Hayburgers with her and chomping heartily. “Hey, these are actually pretty good.”

BWWWOOSSSSHHH. A massive burst of energy shot from Rarity’s horn and blasted Celestia; knocking her to the ground.

“Excuse me, we weren’t finished. How can you call yourself a princess with such awful manners?”

Celestia’s mutilated corpse didn’t reply.

“I thought so.”