My name is Josh and I'm fifteen and on the day my Xbox exploded it was the best day of my life. And no, not because Sony is better! There I was playing a rousing game of Dark Souls II and listening to Metallica's Master Of Puppets album, and I was just about to attack a demon when suddenly sparks shot everywhere! From the case of my xbox. I jumped off my couch and grabbed my Mountain dew, and ran over and poured it all over the XboX. But instead of putting out the fire something amazing happened! All the chemicals in the Dew and the electricity in the XBOX created some kind of magic explosion that blew me clean out of my world.
The next thing I knew I was in the magical land where my favorite show took place. Equestria! There was the Town Hall, and Sugarcube Corners, and the Golden Oaks Library, just like how I'd seen them on TV! Just like how I'd wrote about them in my fan fiction! It was amazing and wonderful!
“Hey,” I shouted to the nearest pony who just so happened to be Carrot Top. I ran over to her, but I got there quicker than I thought I would and didn't know why until I realized why. They were much bigger in real life than on TV. We almost saw eye to eye! Where were my adorable little ponies?! I started to speak but I was winded from all the running and so I then had to double over to catch my breath until I was done gasping and I asked, “What was the last episode?” The pony's eyes were really very wide as she looked back at me. I realized she had never seen a human before. “I am a human being. The one true God created us in his own image, not as ponies. Now please tell me what was the last episode?”
“Uh....episode?”
“Of Friendship is Magic!”
She tilted her head to one side. “It is?”
“Did something unusual happen very recently?”
“This is Ponyville. Weird stuff happens here all the time.”
“What was the very last very weird thing to happen?”
“Uh, everything just got turned to crystal and the road became gold.”
“Yes!” I shouted, pumping my fist in triumph. By some amazing and magical coincidence, time in Ponyville was running at the same time that the episodes were airing! That meant if I could get hold of the magical book from 'Inspiration Manifestation'. But where was it?! I thought long and hard before remembering that Spike ate it.
“Excuse me, Carrot Top?”
“Uh, I'm Golden Harvest.”
“No, your original name is Carrot Top!” What a dumb pony, who can't tell the difference between her real name and the name that Hasbro gave her to try and drive faithful bronies away by destroying our theories and ideas. “Anyway, do you know where Spike the dragon is? I have to punch him in the stomach.”
She raised a foreleg, like she was about to step backwards, which was a very weird thing for a pony to do. “Buh-wuh? Why Spike?”
“Because he has swallowed a magical book that I need, and I have to make him puke it up.”
“You can't just go around punching ponies!”
“Don't be ridiculous,” I said, running away to find the dragon. “Nopony likes Spike.”
I walked out of the alleyway, the book held in my hands, and it still looked just like it did when Rarity changed it. And all the magic had protected it from the fire in Spike's stomach, too! But it was still kind of slimy. Behind me Spike groaned.
“Shut up,” I said. “You're useless and nopony likes you.”
When I was 3, I fell down and skinned my knee and started crying, but my mom put a Band-Aid on because she loved me. But then, the most terrible thing in the world happened: I had to go to school. It was awful because when I fell down and skinned my knee in 5th grade and started crying, I had to go the nurse and have her put a Band-Aid on. My classmates were there waiting for the nurse too, and they saw me crying and laughed at me and called me a crybaby. Including Victoria, the most beautiful girl in sixth grade. She played soccer, and sometimes I would go out on the field and watch her play, and in my imagination she ran up to me and kissed me and told the others to shut up and stop making fun of me, and then we went steady. But it never happened like that, and she made fun of me with the rest of the idiots, and that made me sad. But now I had a book that made sure things would happen just like they were supposed to! I was a nice guy, and I deserved to be treated nice in return! Why couldn't the stupid human race understand that?!
I read aloud from the book: “From in the head to out in the world, every thought to action. Hold close this book and through its spell, you'll start a chain reaction. Projecting forth whatever beauty you see. Only when true words are spoken will you finally be set free.”
I felt the power inside me, just like a Super Saiyan!
I looked up and saw standing in front of me a very familiar blue pony with a rainbow mane! I gasped very loudly and stopped walking. She heard me and turned around, then froze. "Whoa," she said surprised. Her eyes looked me over from head to toe, surely sensing my inside power and my inner good guy-ness.
“You're Rainbow Dash!” I ejaculated loudly.
I was in awe of her athletic grace. She was very beautiful to just watch her move. After being silent and watching me for a very long time, she asked, “What's shaking?” with the kind of tone of voice that someone who is very unsure has. “You, uh, new in town?”
“Yes, I am very new in town!” I said, eager to please. “I come from a world where people were created in the image of the one true God! Maybe He is the one who sent me here. I don't know, because to claim to know Him is to be a blastpheemer. But I do know I walk with Jesus inside me.”
Dash did that cute thing where her face goes scrunchy. “What's a 'Jesus'?” she asked, not enlightened by his offer of salvation.
I laid my hand on her cheek, giving her some of the comfort that Jesus gave to me. Then I stroked her, so that I could sooth her like Jesus sooths all his children. “We'll get to that later,” I whispered, grinning to her to show that I had the light of Jesus inside me.
“....riiight,” she said, drawing away from me because she was scared and unable to let go of her existence without the light of Jesus shining on her. “Sure. Heh heh.”
And then who be galloping around the corner? Twilight Sparkle! The best mare in Ponyville besides Rainbow Dash! “Rainbow, are you alright?” she exclaimed. “Somepony attacked Spike--!” She stopped and skidded and stared at me. “Oh! Hello. What....er, who are you?”
“My name is Josh and I am a big, big fan of yours!”
“Uh, thanks.”
“You are so intelligent and smart and well-read, and all the ponies love you because of that, as it should be! I look forward to discussing much about the things we both enjoy. Do you enjoy writing fan fiction?”
“I, uh, never really, uh....”
“Well, we can talk about that later in private, later.”
“Um, you got it. Now, Dash, did you see who attacked Spike?!”
“Nopony cares about that crybaby Spike,” I said. Deep within me, where Jesus usually is, I felt a great surge of magic energy! Having seen Inspiration Manifestation already, my eyes were probably green, and a magic green bubble made Twilight and Rainbow glow.
“Nopony cares about Spike,” she agreed. “I have no idea why I'm talking about him.”
“Me too. Spike can go kill himself because I don't care.”
“That is the proper altitude, ladies!” I said, excited. Everything was just like it should be now. I followed Twilight and Rainbow back to the library and the giant banner over the door that said it was a 'We hate Spike party!' going on inside the library. The stupid dragon hisself was standing on tiptoes at the window and looking inside and looking sad, because he wasn't allowed inside, because he was a stupid dragon that nopony liked.
“Twilight!” he whined when he heard us approaching. “Something weird is going on with everypony. They all hate me for some reason. Twilight, what's going on?!”
“Go cry about it, why don't you, you crybaby?” Rainbow said, then laughed. Me and Twilight joined her laughing, making the stupid weak little dragon cry. As I walked passed him I gave him a kick in the tail and he fell down into the dirt. We all laughed even harder, because he deserved it for being a little crybaby.
“Crybabies deserve nothing,” I shouted at him, “especially not wasting my time that's better spent on watching Twilight and Rainbow Dash's storylines.”
The crybaby cried harder and he ran away like a little wimp. We went into the treehouse where the party was in full swing with punch on the table and confetti flying everywhere and streamers streaming. Pinkie Pie jumping through the air like she always did until she saw me and stopped in mid-air. She was missing one of those sound effects of breaks squealing because none played when she stopped, so I added one in my mind and it actually happened, and everypony else looked around for where it came from. Pinkie Pie meanwhile dropped to the ground and twirled her head until it was sideways and she gave me an expression of surprise.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Just what the heck are you?!”
“I am a human being, and I was created in the image of the One True God! But we'll get to that later. I'm so glad to meat you Pinkie Pie because I am a fun-loving guy and so are you, and you always try and put a smile on people's faces and you sure do put one on mine!”
She chuckled and looked bashful. “Well, shucks.”
“Especially that one time you shouted at Kluttershy and made her freak out in Filli Vanilli, because of how stupid she is and can't take a joke. I loved very much when you did that.”
“Hey, wait just a second!” Pinkie exclaimed. “That's not true at all!”
“Yes, it is. She is a weak and stupid pony who is not good for anything. Don't you remember the time in MMMystery on the Friendship Express when she ate your cake? She ruined your chances at winning the competition and proving how much better you are than all the rest!”
“How did you even know that?” Twilight asked very surprised. “You weren't there!”
“Hold yer horses,” the strong and dependable pony Applejack said as she stepped forward to challenge me because she was very stubborn. “Ah dunno who y'all are or what yer doin' here, but Fluttershy only wanted ta take a little nibble a'that cake, so little nopony else'd even notice, an' she jus' got a mite carried away in the dark. Don't ya come 'round here and insult one a'our dearest friends like that, ya hear!”
“Yeah!” Pinkie wrapped her arm around Kluttershy and said, “I forgave Flutters, because I know she felt bad about it and she's learned her lesson.” To my annoyance Pinkie Pie agreed with Applejack because she obviously couldn't see how wrong and pathetic Fluttershy was, and how toxic she was to the magic of friendship that kept all the good ponies together. In school I remembered David Cassidy who pretended to help me with unloading my science fair project from my mom's minivan only to take it and throw it into the bushes after she had drived away. Fake friends like Gilda the Griffon and David Cassidy were everywhere and they always pretended to be a friend but they secretly weren't, and it was like that with Fluttershy. So I imagined them all seeing what a terrible friend she was and then they all, glowing bright green, turned to her and gave her hating looks.
“Oh, dear,” Kluttershy proclaimed meekly. She looked like a dear in the headlights of my dad's pickup truck that he hit one time, and then had to put out of its misery because it was dying.
Pinkie Pie pulled her arm away and shoved Kluttershy away from her because of how disgusted she was. “Get away from me, I hate you for ruining my cake!”
Crying to herself, she ran out of the library and nopony was sad to see her go.
I turned to Applejack and said, “Applejack, if she or Spike tries to come back, use your gun to keep them away!”
“'Gun'? What's this 'gun' yer on about?”
I was flubbergassed. “Applejack, you are a free-market capitalist who works your own farm and sells your own apples, but how is capitalism supposed to work if you don't have a gun to keep immigrants and socialists from ruining the free market and stealing everything that belongs to you?! You need to use your Second Amendment rights to keep guns!”
Then I imagined an M4 carbine with an Aimpoint red-dot sight on its tactical rail mount and an M320 underbarrel grenade launcher and in a flash of green light it existed and I gave it to Applejack.
“Second Amendment?” Rainbow asked. “What's the first?”
“Oh, um....” I thought hard. “It says you can say anything you want, as long as it's not anything bad about the United States, and also you can follow any kind of Christianity you want. That's the First Amendment.”
“And what's the Third?” Twilight asked, looking directly into my eyes.
The Third Amendment? I thought and I thought a lot and tried to remember what my father and pastor Jim had said. Was there even such a thing as the Third Amendment? I really really wished there was a Wikipedia in Equestria. Twilight stared at me and waited for me to answer but I had to answer that “There are only two amendments.”
“And what are these amending, exactly?”
Proudly I stood and said, “The Constitution of the United States of America.”
Twilight put her arms out and gestured all around herself. “This is Equestria.”
I had to admit I hadn't thought of that. But if the Holy Bible was valid everywhere then the Constitution ought to be too because it was every bit as perfect and ultimate and un-improvable as The Word Of Our Lord And Savior and every place everywhere should all follow it without reserving. I remembered something Pastor jim told me and so I thought that instead of 'Mannyfest Destiny' that bringing the Constitution to Equestria was instead Mane-yfest Destiny! I chuckled at myself at my humor. I imagined the Constitution appeared and all the ponies gathered around the floating scroll which was all yellow with age like it looked in pictures.
Twilight said “Um....” and I sensed another one of her lectures coming on and though I usually enjoyed them, now that she was talking about what I was trying to teach her they were starting to get annoying. “There are literally only two amendments on this. Is there supposed to be something they're actually amending?”
I had to admit I forgot the actual words so I just filled it in with scribbly lines, like how words in cartoons usually look, and then just to save time I imagined that they all talked excited about how great it was.
“Um....question, boss,” Applejack said and when I turned to look at her she had the M4 rifle's butt on the ground and was holding it upright like Octavia holds her violin and trying to squeeze her hoof into the trigger guard, but it was too big. “What am Ah supposed to do wit' this?”
I imagined the M4 was replaced by an FGM-148 Javelin rocket launcher because it was much easier to fire with hooves than a rifle and since it was more powerful, that made it more American. I imagined she was mighty pleased with it and now that everypony was happy I turned back to the other ponies.
“Now than,” I said to them, “we've kicked out the fake, fake friends, and....oh I forgot, Rarity, get out, because you're a bad friend too.”
She said a question wich sounded like 'Mwah?' but I didn't recognize. in her simpering and annoying little voice, the one she probably used when she put on makeup to make the boys want to kiss her and then she turned them down and made them feel bad, even though it wasn't their fault. Except for Spike, because that little crybaby didn't deserve anything.
“Yes, now get out you harlot,” I said. I used 'harlot' because it was part of their continuing biblical education, the only real kind of education there was. I imagined the other ponies saw through Rarity's evilness and wickedness and they drove her out of the libarry, leaving only the four worthwhile ponies left.
“Here we are, united by the magic of friendship,” I said. “And of course God and the Constitution too.”
“Yes,” they all said together, after I imagined them saying it.
“Now Twilight, I've been watching you for a long time and I can see in you that there's something you're not telling everypony else.”
“There is?”
“Yes. I know all about your secret feelings for Rainbow Dash that you don't tell anypony else.”
Twilight said, “I....don't have feelings for Dash,” but I could tell it was a classic case of denile, where she refused to admit how she truly felt because she didn't want anypony else to know because she felt wrong about it.
“It is alright, Twilight. The Book of Leviathan only condemns men lying with men. Since you are both female and a pony, it's A-OK! Don't be ashamed of your urges.”
“I don't have any urges. We're just friends.”
'Just friends'. What a joke! When I was thirteen my lab partner was nice to me. Her name was Kaitlin. But when I asked her out she said we were 'just friends', but we never saw each other outside of that class and we were never friends. So I learned that 'we're just friends' is always, always, always a lie.
I was getting a headache from this stupid stubborn pony refusing to admit her feelings for Rainbow Dash to herself. But in every episode they were together they were completely right for each other, like in Read It And Weep when Twilight went to the injured Rainbow and told her she was smart like Twilight and not the kind of dumb athletic girl who would make fun of other ponies. She only had to pretend to be dumb because that's what jocks were like and in her heart she was also an egghead like Twilight. And also in Testing, Testing, 1, 2, 3 Twilight worked so hard to make Rainbow realize she was smart to prove they were totally meant for each other.
My own fanfiction called An Egghead and a Gentlepony, fully explored all these secret feelings they had until they came out at Dash's ceremony for when she joins the Wonderbolts and has to be shipped out and serve as a defender of truth and justice and the American way in Afgriffonistan. But I didn't have time for all that so I turned to one of my eighteen other Twidash fics, Ride the Lightning, about Twilight's jealousy of Dash and Lightning Dust's relationship, and used it to inspire me. I pictured in my head the moment after Twilight learns her coltfriend Flash has cheated on her with Rainbow's marefriend, Lightning Dust, and how she feels relieved instead of mad because Flash was a jerk and a cheat and colts are stupid and disgusting and she doesn't want to think or write about kissing another one, ever again.
She learns that all pegasus stallions are just dumb jocks but Rainbow is different because she is also an egghead like Twilight.
I imagined the moment when Twilight leans over and The Charge of the Rainbow Brigade falls out of her saddlebag. Before my eyes it started happening and the book hit the floor with a thudding sound. Before she can pick it up again Rainbow picks it up and looks at it.
“Ooh,” Twilight said, “a first edition! Where did this come from?”
I shouted, “No, no, no! You're not doing it right. Rainbow is supposed to ask her if that's the kind of thing she's interested in.”
Twilight laughed and smiled at me. “Obviously I'm interested in it. I'm reading it, aren't I? Shouldn't we talk about the book itself instead?”
I groaned because trying to work with these ponies was proving harder than I thought it would turn out to be. I just stuck to my imagination and moved them through the scene in Ride the Lightning, line by line.
“Do you like to read things like these?” Rainbow asked to Twilight.
Twilight's fur blushed. “Oh yes, this is one of my very favorites because it has an exciting combination of military action and a poetic side which also appeals to my inner egghead. Are you an egghead, Dash?”
But Dash looked sad, like she was constipated and had to hold her emotions in. “No, I am a jock and I don't do egghead things. No jock does, ever. We like sports and exciting things like flying!”
“I don't think that is true,” Twilight said, looking deep into the limpid pools of Rainbow's eyeballs which shimmered like crystal. She could see the insides of Dash, and could see her soul. Not a Christian soul because the Revelation of Jesus Christ had not yet come to Equestria but it was still a soul. “I think there is an egghead inside you who is fragile and does not come out so that you won't be crushed and broken and whipped and beaten. But it's okay, Dash.” Twilight put her hoof on Dash's arm. “I can see her inside you and I want to let you know that it's alright to be an egghead. I can treat an egghead very tenderly. Would you like me to treat you very tenderly?”
Agonized at having to give up the thing she very much wanted to be so that she could be with Twilight, Rainbow Dash nodded after much wasting time. “Treat me tender, Twilight.”
“My little egghead,” Twilight purred at her greatest love. “You've come out of your shell.”
Rainbow blushed and looked away but her heart beat faster and when she pawed at the ground the bold and fearless Twilight strode forward and nuzzled her cheek. I clasped my hands together and grinned at the scene of the two lovers, satisfied that I had been right about these ponies all along. My own heart beat faster because of their love. I watched them tenderly stroke each others' manes and gaze longingly into their eyes.
“This is mighty sick,” Applejack said. “Yer jus' forcin' them ta make out agin' their will--”
I glared at Applejack and made her look inside herself and see how warped her own feelings were by the secret jealousy she had for Rainbow Dash and watched as the waterworks began to drip from Applejack's eyes.
“--and it just burns me up inside! Rainbow, how could ya do this ta me!”
But now I felt bad for Applejack who was a good pony and how she didn't have anypony of her else to be with, and so I had to imagine that Pinkie Pie had secretly always been in love with Applejack just to balance out the love and make sure that everypony lived happily ever after.
Out of the corner of my eye Twilight and Rainbow walked towards the stairs and I shouted for them to stop and asked them where they were going. “We're going upstairs to have some time to ourselves,” Twilight said. “We're in love now.”
I thought back to my fanfic and remembered the next part did in deed take place upstairs in the bedroom and I groaned to myself. I was going to have to make changes to the story on the fly and very quickly too because I was getting unpatient with this whole thing.
“Just do it down here,” I said.
“We are not going to--!”
I imagined something different and Twilight stopped her whining and did what I said like a good woman should. “We can make out all we want down here,” she said to Dash. With one arm gently laid across her lover's back she guided Dash to the center of the room. They faced each other and gazed longingly into each others's eyes and drinked up the sweet smell of each others's manes and fur. Twilight licked Rainbow's cheek and made Dash blush and then she started up Dash's ear, suckling the tip and moving her lips down the side again. Dash shuddered with delight and so did I, because it was a very exotic scene to watch and very full of emotion and feeling.
My attention span slipped and all of a sudden Twilight laid her head on Dash's back and listened to her breathe. “I can hear your heart beating,” she cooed. “Like a little chick inside an egg, my sweet egghead.”
“NO!” I shouted. “You're doing it wrong!” I stomped over and tried to tower over Twilight to intimidate her but I forgot how big these ponies really are and it didn't work how I wanted it to. So instead I pushed Twilight aside. “Like this,” I said.
I put my hands on the sides of Rainbow's face and leaned over to kiss her but I couldn't make it. She was at just the wrong height where she was too short for me to kiss her standing up and too tall for me to kiss her on my hands and knees.
This would be a lot easier if I was a pony, I thought.
Then I realized I didn't have to think when I could imagine! I imagined myself as a pony and suddenly I was transformed into one with a flickering and dazzling green light. I stood on my arms and it was very weird for me because I didn't usually stand all hunched over like that and I had a weird wriggly tail too. Also the not having any fingers was weird like I was constantly going around with my hands in fists. But Rainbow and I finally saw eye to eye now and that was all that mattered.
Over to the side of the library as Pinkie licked the side of Applejack's face and then nuzzled her Applejack said, “A black coat an' a red mane. Gee, don't see too many a'those 'round here.” There was something sarcastic in her voice, which I think was sarcasm. She leaned closer to Pinkie and whispered, “Ah wonder why.”
“Red and black is cool!” I said and imagined that they agreed with me, and so they did agree with me and said how cool a red and black unicorn looks.
I turned back to Rainbow Dash, ignoring the insulted and wounded expression on Twilight Sparkle's face, and imaged Dash's half-lidded eyes and sultry smile because of her love for me. I devoured her beautiful expression and pressed my new pony lips to hers and our wet mouths joined together, and our tongues touched as they jockeyed in each others's mouthes. I raised a hoof and ran it through the fur on her face and feeling the hot heat burning under her skin. My new hoof went to her shoulder and felt the taut muslces under her skin made tight by years of running and kicking. There was a tightning in my stomach and broke out in shivers of pleasure at the sturdy and slim young girl in front of me who I was touching. She felt so warm and alive.
“Oh, Vanessa,” I gasped without thinking about it.
“Huh?” Dash asked, pushing me away and giving me a look that looked like she was very insulted. “Who's....'Vanessa'?”
“She is nothing more than a girl I used to know, she's not important right now.”
“Not important?! But I love you, and you call me by some other pony's name?!”
“She's not a pony. She is a human being like me, and she is from my past, but unlike what we enjoy as our love, Rainbow, she was not a good person. She....hurt me very greatly and I still carry the scars from it. But I want to get over her, Dash, and I need your love to help me get past it.”
“Wait a minute,” Twilight said, stepping forward. “You said you've watched us for a long time, am I right?”
“Yes, Twilight, I have enjoyed your many adventures for four years now and I look forward to many more in the future.”
“You're talking – and treating – us like we're some kind of characters in some....book series. Like our lives are represented to you as stories.”
“It is a television show actually, which is like a film that is played on a box in everypony's house every week. But that's not important right now--”
And wouldn't you believe it, before I could imagine Twilight stopping with her questions she blurted out with a snarl, “Are you just using us to work out your psychological baggage?!”
The whole entire room fell quiet and her words were very loud as they hung in the air. The next thing I knew there was a glowing green field and the hum of energy that builded up into a loud pop and blinding flash like a flashbang. I fell to the ground, human again. But it wasn't supposed to work this way! The spell was only supposed to stop when true words were spoken! Perhaps there was some other hidden catch that had made the spell wear off.
I looked to Rainbow Dash to make sure she still loved me but I did not expect her to kick me right in the face and make me fall down. I hit the ground and stayed down there because I was so dazed by her kick. This was turning out to be just like Vanessa all over again.
The ponies all shuddered like I had done something disgusting to them and not given them the love they all felt deep in their hearts.
“Yer sick!” the honest Applejack shouted at me.
Pinkie Pie added, “You made us all go loopy!”
Twilight and Rainbow Dash ignored their love once again and stood over me, lying helpless on the floor, totally at the whims of these ungrateful girls who were so blind to all the feelings they had in their heads.
Twilight bared her teeth. “You warped our minds.”
“Used us like puppets!” Rainbow added.
“Because you couldn't get over a schoolyard crush?”
“That is completely untrue!” I shouted, trying as hard as I could to imagine them being kind and loving again and getting frustrated because my tries at controling them were not working. “I love the both of you very much and I only wanted you to be happy!”
“Well, guess what?” Rainbow growled and bared her teeth. “Forcing us to kiss didn't make us happy.”
“But I can see the love you have for each other in the bottom of your hearts every time you interact in an episode! All the signs are there on screen!”
“How about we decide when we want to make out with somepony, hm?” Twilight asked with one eyebrow raised.
Rainbow Dash spread all four of her legs and dropped down into a stance like she was about to charge at me. “Or when we wanna take somepony out, huh?”
My eyes widening I jumped up to my feet and ran out of the library. I heard their hooves banging harshly against the wood behind me and I ran and ran out into the fields of Ponyville while they chased me out there too.
“He's getting away!” Pinkie Pie shouted.
“Hey, Applejack?” Twilight said, “Why don't you use that little toy he left for you, hmm?”
“Ya got it, princess! Now, if'n only Ah could find the button ta make it go....”
I looked back over my shoulder in time to see Applejack lift up the FGM-148 Javelin rocket launcher and shoulder it and sight down the sights. I ran much, much faster than I ever thought I would ever be able to run because I have played a lot of XbOX and I knew the very destructive power of the FGM-148 Javelin. My eyes widened as I watched the telltale streak of fire shoot out and shoot up into the blue sky. I put on spped to outrun it.
"Save me, Jesus!!!" I shouted.
The Javelin whined overhead and slammed down a hundred feet in front of me with a terrifec roar and exploded a big huge fireball that blew chunks of the grass and dirt up in a geyser that fell down on me. The shockwave threw me back and threw me down on the grass where I rolled for a while until I hit four pairs of hooves. The four ponies stared down at me with the sun shining in my eyes so they were all dark.
"Don't hurt me!" I said, curled up in a little unmanly ball that these dumb girls had forced me to emasculate myself into.
"Yer too pathetic ta hurt," Applejack said. "Ya ain't evil, yer jus' a Grade-A moron."
"Yeah!" Pinkie Pie said while she turned her nose up at me. "If you had a cutie mark, it would be a picture of you being hit in the head with a mallet, because you, sir, are a numbskull."
"Right on, Pinkie. Now go on an' git outta our town, ya hear?"
Rainbow Dash shouted with her teeth all clamped down and gritted, "Right....now."
Twilight strained her face and shot a magic spell out of her horn which hovered to the air behind me and ripped open the space so that I could see my bedroom again. I stood up and brushed myself off because I wanted to have some little bit of dignity in front of all these girls who always, always loved to push nice and good guys like me around all the time. I orated, “In the small amount of time which you have embraced me with your friendship--”
“Less prattle, more portal,” Twilight said.
I sighed but held my head up high because a real man never, under any circumstances, allowed a woman to see him in such a weak and pathetic state, and so with that I turned on my heel and took a step towards the portal--
Then I heard a “Hee-yah!” and twisted around so that I could see behind me and saw Spike run up and kick me squarely in the butt, driving me forward and making me very off-balance, so that I toppled over and fell through the portal head-first. I landed on my carpet and twisted around so I could see the magical portal, and the last thing I saw was Spike dusting his claws off with the four furious mares behind him. Then the portal zipped itself up and I was alone at home once again.
Minus one xbOx, because mine was a smoking lump of plastic and metal that smelled like Uncle Paul after he hadn't left his trailer for a week. I collapsed onto the couch and thought back over my adventure in that strange, strange world of Equestria and what I would have learned if I had to write a Friednship report. Specifically about how a girl's brain will never, ever do the logical thing and will always try and make boys jealous or make them feel bad. Finally, after much ruminating and cogitating and other words I had to look up in the dictionary, the ultimate lesson I settled on was this one:
Girls are more trouble than they're worth.
I turned the TV over to cable which was still tuned to the HUB just in time to see a Friendship is Magic rerun end. Good, I thought. I never want to see that stupid show again.
Then Littlest Pet Shop began. Hmm, I thought to myself, this has potential....
