Bovinology

by Amneiger

Rating: everyone
Tags: Fluttershy, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe
Length: 1821

The aliens say cows can't think. Let's disprove it!

You know how in human in Equestria stories the ponies eventually ask the human if humans eat meat, and the human says yes, and everypony gasps all dramatically, and then the human explains that they only eat non-intelligent creatures, and then the ponies relax and say everything’s good and they just take the human’s word for it without checking?

Published 2014-06-03 18:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-06-03 18:40:01 UTC

Unidentified Flying Ponies

Somewhere out in the country...

The full moon hung in the clear sky. This far from the cities the night sky was clear of the glow of urbanization, and the skies above the farm held a million stars.

Wheat fields stretched out across the acres, next to wide green pastures. A small number of cows had laid themselves down in sleep in the pastures; it was summer, and it was cooler out in the night air than inside the barn. The barn and farmhouse nearby were dark; the farm’s owners had turned in for the night, and they slept peacefully.

There was a faint flicker of light across the stars. A moment later it resolved itself: a gray disc that was skipping its way across the night sky. It was coming towards the farm.

The gray disc came to a silent stop above the pastures, right over one of the sleeping cows.

A beam of light shined down from the center of the disc onto the sleeping cow. The cow was lifted into the air, slowly at first but quickly accelerating until with a flash of light it was pulled up into the disc.

The cow in the center of the room looked around, and mooed.

The ESS Brahmin was a simple stealth scout design, built mostly for short hops and brief trips. The inside was a single round room, matching the ship’s external appearance of a cottage-sized flying plate.

Twilight turned around from where she was standing at the ship’s controls. “It worked! All right, time for step two.” She turned away from the controls and walked confidently up the cow. “Greetings from Equestria! I’m Twilight Sparkle. These are my friends Applejack and Fluttershy.” Twilight raised a hoof to point at the other two ponies in the room. “What’s your name?”

The cow looked at her, then looked away. She flicked an ear.

Twilight waited for a moment for a response.

“Hello?” Twilight said.

The cow looked around again, then wandered away towards some blinking lights on the wall of the ship. Twilight walked after the cow. “Um, maybe you aren’t used to being high up, so I guess maybe the windows might be interesting, but I had some questions…?”

The cow stopped in front of the computer screens that showed the view out of the side of the ship; in that direction was just the moonlit fields of the farm, with the bright lights of a small town off on the horizon. The cow leaned forward, bumping its nose on the monitor and leaving a small circle of dirt on it.

“Um, please don’t do that, we have to keep those clean. Applejack, can you talk to her? Am I saying something wrong?”

“Let me try.” Applejack went around until she was next to the cow. “Howdy! I’m Applejack.” She held up a bowl of mixed corn and grains from the ship’s refrigerator. “Here, I thought I’d be neighborly and bring you something to eat. The cows back on Sweet Apple Acres love this mix. You want to try some?”

The cow turned in the direction of the noise. Her ears clicked as she regarded the bowl, then reached out and took a mouthful of the mix.

“There we go. How’s that?”

The cow stood there, placidly chewing. Applejack waited, an expression of confusion slowly growing across her face.

“It’s not bad, is it?” Applejack put the bowl down so that she could tap the cow on the shoulder. The cow shuffled her legs, repositioning herself. One front leg hit the bowl, knocking it against the wall and spilling some of the mix onto the metal floor.

“Was that in your way? Sorry ‘bout that.” Applejack picked up the bowl. “Let’s get this cleaned up.”

The cow snuffled, then reached down and began eating the mix that was on the ground. Applejack quickly put the bowl down behind her and put a hoof on the cow’s head. “Hey, don’t do that! It ain’t sanitary.”

“Um, Twilight? Applejack?” came Fluttershy’s voice behind them. “I think she actually is an animal.”

Twilight and Applejack looked over their shoulders at Fluttershy. “Pardon?” Applejack said.

“Well, we were told that the cows on this planet were animals. And I’m sure that if the cows here actually were intelligent they’d appreciate your taking the time to talk to them, and taking the time to check instead of just assuming. But I think she’s an animal. This cow…well, she feels like an animal, kind of.”

“Could you explain?” Twilight said.

“She acts…” Fluttershy thought about it. “Well, a lot of the animals back home just wanted simple things. Like food, and a place to stay, and somepony to love them. The animals back on Equestria knew that ponies could help them, and sometimes they’d go to a pony for help. I can feel that this one does want those same things. But this cow doesn’t act like she understands you like the animals back home might. She doesn’t seem…as smart as they do.” Fluttershy scuffed her hooves against the metal floor. “I don’t think I’ll be able to talk to her. I’m not even sure how much she understands that she’s somewhere different now.”

“Let me see.” Applejack put both forehooves on the cow’s head and turned it to face her. She spent several seconds staring into the cow’s eyes, looking for any spark of intelligence.

She saw nothing. Just a blank stare.

“Consarn it,” Applejack finally said in amazement. She let go of the cow and stood there, wide-eyed as she tried to process this, as the reality of what she had been told before coming here really began to hit her.

“Huh.” Twilight sat down and put a hoof on her chin. “That does put certain things we’ve learned in a different light…”

Applejack looked at her. “You mean about the, uh, natives? And what they eat?”

“Maybe they don't see it as murder because the cows aren't intelligent?” Fluttershy said. “On Equestria, if somepony killed a beast it would still be wrong, but legally it wouldn't be considered the same level as murder of another pony or an animal.”

Applejack was frowning as she examined the cow. “It still don't sit right with me. I guess I can understand Fluttershy's reasoning, but it still feels wrong.” The cow nudged her, and she looked up. “Huh? Oh, pardon.” Applejack moved out of the way, and the cow walked up to the bowl of mix and began eating out of it.

“Even if she isn’t sapient, we should still do the medical scan,” Twilight said. “Fluttershy, can you ask the cow to step into the scanner?”

“I’ll try.” Fluttershy walked up to the cow, putting a gentle hoof on its shoulder. “Excuse me please. Would you please follow me?”

The cow lifted its head from the almost-empty bowl to look at Fluttershy, then went back to its food.

“Please come with me,” Fluttershy said.

The cow finished licking up the last remnants of the corn in the bowl and raised its head, looking around. Fluttershy put both forelegs on the cow’s head and gently pulled her towards the medical suite at the back of the ship. Twilight had brought the best equipment she could get, which paid off here; in a few seconds the scan was complete. “Applejack,” Twilight said. “How does this look?”

Applejack looked at the readouts that were scrolling down the computer screens. “All normal. According to this, she’s just an ordinary cow. Nothing different body-wise from ours.” She shook her head. “The cows back home are going to feel so lucky to be born on Equestria instead of here. Didn’t the folks down there have a saying about something like that?”

“’There but for the grace of God I go,’” Twilight quoted. She levitated a clipboard over and flipped through the pages on it. “Well, that’s all we needed to do. I wish the cows were intelligent, then we could ask them all about what life is like down there.” She sighed. “Well, we better put her back. Fluttershy, can you ask her to step back on the transport pad?”

“Of course,” Fluttershy said. She patiently guided the cow back towards the center of the ship, gently cooing at her. The cow for her part seemed mostly oblivious to Fluttershy’s attention, simply walking forward because it was easier than trying to dig its heels in.

The cow finally arrived back on the transport pad. Fluttershy took a few steps back, and Twilight pulled a switch on the control panel. In a flash of light the cow was gone.

Far below, the cow seemed remarkably calm about its sudden return to the planet of its birth. It looked around as if reassuring itself that it was where it ought to be, then lay down right underneath the ship and went back to sleep.

Fluttershy stood at one of the windows, looking down at the cow. “That poor dear,” she said. “It just seems to sad to go through life like that, without even a chance of understanding what's happening. Did we really have to send her back?”

“There’s nothing we can do about it,” Twilight said, as she started up the engines again. “Princess Celestia said that if we need to be prepared for when we decide to make contact or not, and that means not doing anything that could be seen as a crime or would draw attention. Which in this case would mean the theft of livestock.”

“If we do make contact, do you think we can ask them to not eat cows?” Fluttershy asked.

“I don’t know, Fluttershy. Maybe if they like us enough, we can tell them that cows are sapient on Equestria and ask if any of them would consider not eating beef. I honestly don’t know if very many of them would listen, though.” Twilight tapped her chin again.

“Twi,” Applejack said. “We oughta to be going. Speaking of which, I want to talk to the Princesses about something.”

“Oh, right.” Twilight turned back to the controls. “What do you want to ask them?”

“I wanted to ask if we could keep one. I have friends who are cows, Twi. I look at these cows and I wonder what life would have been like for Daisy Jo or Bessie if any of them were born here, if any of them were like…that. Maybe we can try that uplifting thing you talked to me about once…”

The gray disc rose straight up to disappear into the stars.

Author's Note

I had been planning for Applejack to feed apples to the cow, but I checked online and apparently this isn’t a great idea, since cows don’t have the teeth to chew on fresh apples and the apple chunks can get stuck in their stomachs.

ESS stands for Equestrian Space Service.