"Oh, Flash Sentry, do it harder!"
~Five minutes earlier~
"Ow! What the hell was that for?!"
Flash Sentry barely had time to register the immense pain radiating through his muzzle before Twilight's other hoof came hurtling at him like a bad simile on a seventh grader's compare and contrast essay.
*CRUNCH*
"Augh!" Flash Sentry cried out in pain as the purple hoof connected with his left nostril. Flecks of blood spattered across the floor, and he quickly found himself wishing he had opposable thumbs as he tried to staunch the flow of blood from his nose. Oh goddess, is my nose broken? What the hell is wrong with this girl? Why can't I ever ask somepony sane for help?!
"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU'VE DONE?!" thundered the librarian, towering over him with a barely restrained hoof, as though storm clouds were going to materialize just to emphasize her point.
Flash Sentry was too busy dealing with the drawbacks of not having thumbs while having a nosebleed to give her anything more than a pained whinny in response.
"There are comma splices in this introductory paragraph! COMMA SPLICES!" Another hoof was sent his way, but this time he had the presence of mind to duck, and it simply grazed his ear.
"For Celesbia's Sake, will 'ew thop dat?!" he yelled, his bleeding nose giving his dialogue an abnormal number of typos.
"Where did you learn how to write? Kindergarten?! This is abysmal! This is a foal's hoofwork! This is an insult to writers everywhere! It's an insult to books! It's an insult to libraries! It's an insult to ME!" To punctuate her point, she hurled the offending manuscript at the poor stallion huddled on the floor. Unfortunately, it was only two pages long, and simply fluttered harmlessly to the ground. Letting out an annoyed huff, Princess Twilight Sparkle endeavored to pick it up again and began her slog through its horrendous grammar anew.
"And here! Here you use the passive voice! What kind of blasphemy is this?! Just how moronic does somepony have to be to write such distasteful trash?!"
Flash Sentry, on any other day in his entire life, probably would have been seriously offended by that remark. On this day, however, he was content to let it slide, just as long as she didn't punch him again.
"Oh, and look at this!" said Twilight with a sarcastic sneer. "The lavender unicorn closed her eyes and leaned forward... The lavender unicorn? Seriously? Just say her celestia-forsaken name, for crying out loud! What, are you scared you'll wear it out if you say too much? Huh? Huh?!"
Flash Sentry was beginning to seriously question his life choices at this moment, as he fought desperately to keep his eyes from watering. He had thought that, surely, weathering whatever complaints Twilight had about his writing ability would be foal's play for a veteran of the royal guard.
Saying he had been mistaken would amount to an understatement so large it would collapse under its own weight and form a miniature black hole, which would slowly devour the entire planet, and then the solar system, leaving nothing but a gaping hole in the fabric of reality, a monument to the fools who thought they could have Twilight Sparkle edit their Daring Do fanfiction.
The vengeful alicorn, however, had cornered its prey, and showed no signs of letting up. "You can't even spell rendezvous properly! And this! This should clearly be an em-dash, not an en-dash! And you don't put spaces around em dashes either! You even forgot to capitalize 'Celestia' in the second sentence of the eighth paragraph!"
Twilight Sparkle was on a roll, fresh from the oven, and she didn't show any signs of cooling down. "And what is this? Mouses?! What word is mouses? That doesn't sound like any word I've ever heard of! Maybe you meant mice! Or perhaps meece! Or maybe meeces, just to mix things up a bit!"
Flash Sentry trembled as the purple menace leered at him, leveling her head inches from his still-bleeding-but-not-nearly-as-much-now muzzle. "What do you have to say for yourself, traitor?!" The words dripped from her mouth like marbles in a saw mill.
"P-p-please don't k-kill me," he stuttered.
"Hmph," Twilight snorted, then turned around and went back to reading through his manuscript, spouting off the occasional spelling error or missing comma like a griffon eating fish in midair.
"The possessive form of it's does not have an apostrophe! And this! This entire paragraph is a brutal dismemberment of the Equestrian language! Why are you telling me about the exact position of the water glass holder when it has zero relevance to the plot?! Why mention that her hoof has a small nick in it when this is never mentioned again?! Is this what we teach foals in school now? Is writing concisely a dead art? Perhaps I should invent a time machine so I can visit people who could write proper Equestrian!"
The enraged princess stomped her hoof on the floor hard enough to crack the marble surface. A thousand miles below them, one of the magical ley lines crossing through Equus shifted it's orientation by one tenth of a degree, inadvertently destroying an entire civilization on another continent that would have discovered Equestria two weeks later. Back in the hall, the only hint of the mass destruction taking place on the other side of the planet was a swaying chandelier on the ceiling, as Twilight Sparkle heedlessly continued her volatile rant about the intricacies of grammar.
Looking for an exit, Flash Sentry briefly wondered if he could crawl to safety while her back was turned. Suddenly, Twilight let out a gasp, and the onslaught of grammar ground to a halt. Silence filled the room like a really loud dubstep song, interrupted only by Twilight's heavy breathing. The lavender unicorn read the offending passage a third time. Then a fourth time. Then a fifth, and a sixth time. Her mind could barely register what she was seeing.
"You... You used a semicolon. And you used it correctly!" Twilight looked up at Flash Sentry with wide eyes. "Nopony ever does this! Nopony!"
Flash Sentry's brain was still trying to catch up to what had happened five minutes ago, and wasn't exactly operating on a compatible frequency. "...What?"
The stallion never really had a chance to figure that out, because Twilight threw his terrible romance story aside and immediately pounced on him with the ferocity of an enraged toaster.
"Take me," she breathed, her warm breath tickling his bloodied muzzle.
And then they fucked.
Flash Sentry ended up paying child support for the rest of his life.
The End.
Author's Note
Writer's block is a bitch.
(This story is absolutely horrible. I promise I'm writing other stuff that doesn't suck. Really.)
