Chemical Ex

by Syeekoh

Rating: teen
Tags: Discord, DJ P0N-3, Dark, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 29938

A new drug is released by Transpicuous.

A new chemical comes down Transpicuous Pharmaceutical's pipeline guaranteeing instant love and friendship. Can it deliver on that promise?

Published 2014-04-30 00:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-10 15:03:29 UTC

Party Planning 101: Party Favors

Applejack trotted in to Mayor Mare’s office in Town Hall. Mayor Mare was writing something with quill in mouth. Applejack cleared her throat.

Mayor Mare looked up. “Applejack?” she said with a grin on her face, “what brings you into my office?”

Applejack looked around. “I, uh, need an event license fer Sweet Apple Acres.”

Mayor Mare raised an eyebrow. “For what?”

Applejack looked down, then looked at Mayor Mare. “We’re, uh, plannin’ a rave.”

Mayor Mare beamed at Applejack. “Oh, a rave! I haven’t been to one of those in years!” she said as she stood up and pulled out one of the drawers on her desk with her mouth. She then pulled out a sheet of lined paper and handed it to Applejack, who sat opposite of the Mayor. She put down the paper, grabbed a pencil in her mouth, and wrote out the specifics of the event. Applejack then handed the piece of paper to Mayor Mare, who placed it on her desk and read it.

“Hmmm,” Mayor Mare vocalized, “you say you’re expecting fifteen thousand ponies?”

Applejack nodded. “And other assorted races.”

“Huh,” she said, scratching her head, “and you’re having it a month from now?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“I see,” Mayor Mare said, “well, as long as you supply proper facilities for such an event, I’ll sign off on it.” She grabbed a quill in her mouth and signed the piece of paper. She then looked up at Applejack, beaming. “Your license should arrive in three days.”

Applejack stood up and tipped her hat to the mayor. “Much obliged, ma’am.” Applejack trotted out of the office with her head held high.

Three days later, Twilight trotted over to Fluttershy’s to pick up Vinyl. Fluttershy and Twilight both agreed that some time getting to know each other would be beneficial. Twilight reached Fluttershy’s door and lightly rapped on it. The door opened to reveal Fluttershy with her eyes slitted and breathing long, slow breaths.

Twilight grinned. “So how was your play-date?”

Fluttershy looked down. “It...could have gone better.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Why? What happened?”

Fluttershy sighed. “Well...my order of ketamine came in today.”

Twilight laughed. “What’s wrong with that? It sounds like everything’s going great!”

Fluttershy snorted. “Vinyl wanted to test it out.”

Twilight stared at Fluttershy. “Why would she want to test it out?”

Fluttershy barked out a laugh. “She made up some cockamaimey story about how drug shipments were being infected by changeling magic and wanted to make sure that it was safe.”

Twilight giggled. “It just sounds like she was looking out for you. That sounds like a good friend to me.”

Fluttershy shook her head. “She brought her own syringe,” she said as she swung the door open, revealing Vinyl laying on the ground in a stupor next to a barely conscious Trixie. Angel appeared to be writing on their faces with marker.

Twilight’s eyes shot open. “What happened?”

Fluttershy rolled her eyes. “Vinyl happened. She managed to inject half of it into her muscle before falling to the ground, then Trixie somehow tripped over the syringe and accidentally injected herself with the other half.”

“The Intoxicated and Confused Trixie demands that you stop drawing on her face.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Huh.”

Vinyl rolled in Trixie’s direction and reached out a hoof. “The Dizzy and Unbalanced Trixie will rip that hoof off if any part of it touches her.” Vinyl rolled away from Trixie.

Twilight facehooved. “Well, I learned this new spell from Luna that should help out,” she said as her horn glowed a light purple. The glow absorbed into Vinyl and Trixie.

Vinyl shot up. “Hey! You harshed my mellow!”

Twilight shook her head, trotted over to Vinyl, and helped her up. Vinyl shook her head. “Remember, Vinyl?” Twilight said, “you’re supposed to help me with the thing today?”

Vinyl stared blankly at Twilight. “What thing?”

“You know, the…” Twilight began to say before she fell to the floor and burst out in laughter.

Vinyl raised an eyebrow. “What’s so funny?”

Twilight collected herself and stood up, still giggling. “You have erections drawn all over your face.”

“Erec—what?” Vinyl said, feeling her face.

“She means dicks,” Trixie said, sitting up. “you have dicks on your face.”

Twilight summoned a wet washcloth and cleaned Vinyl’s face off. “There, they’re all gone,” she said, tossing the washcloth to Trixie who rubbed off the markings on her face. Vinyl started giggling.

“You go, Angel!” she shouted.

Trixie groaned. “I swear, next time I get my hooves on that rabbit, I’ll skin him alive and cook him myself!”

“Trixie!” Fluttershy shouted, “be nice to Angel!”

“Why?” Trixie stated, dropping the washcloth, “he’s not nice to me.”

Fluttershy giggled. “Well, maybe you should try being nice to him first. A little kindness goes a long way, Trixie,” Fluttershy said while smiling, “you’d be surprised how animals react to kindness.”

Trixie stood up and dusted herself off. “Whatever,” she said as she walked away, “I’m going to my room and locking the door.” She trotted upstairs and slammed the door to her room.

Twilight sighed. “Well, Vinyl, you ready?”

Vinyl nodded. “I’m ready for whatever you’re ready for!”

Twilight smiled and nodded. “Good. Let’s head back to my place.” Fluttershy glared at Vinyl, then slammed the door when they trotted out.

“Jeez,” Vinyl said as she looked back at the door, “who pissed in her coffee?”

Twilight shook her head. “I suggested you go over there to solidify a friendship, not inject her drugs.”

Vinyl blushed as she grinned sheepishly. “Oh, yeah. Sorry.”

Twilight sighed. “You should try apologizing to her next time you see her.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” Vinyl replied, “so what are we doing?”

Twilight giggled. “You’ll have to wait and see. It’s a surprise!”

Vinyl beamed. “Oooh! I like surprises!”

“I take it back,” Vinyl said, “I don’t like surprises anymore.”

“Why not?” Twilight asked, slipping on a hazmat suit, “we’re making drugs in my basement! I thought you were all about drugs! Now put your hazardous materials suit on.”

Vinyl groaned as she slipped into her hazmat suit. “I’m more of a drug user than a drug maker.”

Twilight giggled as she sat down at a table that had two trays of a clear liquid in them, several hundred sheets of blotting paper sitting between them. “Come on, isn’t this interesting? You’re participating in the dawn of a new chemical being unleashed upon Equestria! It has to be a little exciting, right?” she said as she lifted up a piece of blotter paper in her magic, soaked it in the tray in front of her, then put it to the side.

Vinyl shrugged as she lifted up a piece of paper and soaked it in the tray in front of her. “I guess when you put it that way, it is a little exciting,” she said as she put the soaked paper to the side, “I guess we’re kinda like harbingers of the apocalypse.”

Twilight shook her head. “Not exactly where I was going with that, but sure, you can use that analogy if it helps you to concentrate.”

Vinyl nodded as she dipped another sheet into the tray and added it to the pile, Twilight doing the same. “By the way,” Vinyl asked, “where did you get the idea to absorb the chemical into paper?”

Twilight giggled. “Well, Princess Celestia said that the dosage was measured in micrograms, so I figured what better way to measure out a microgram dose than in thin sheets of paper?”

“Uh...huh.”

When they were about halfway through, they heard the knob jiggling as if someone was trying to get in.

“Hey! What gives!?”

Twilight sighed as she dipped another sheet into the tray. “Rainbow Dash, you’re not allowed in my laboratory after the incident.”

“Oh,” Rainbow Dash said as she stopped jiggling the knob, “so you put ruins on the door or something?”

Twilight facehooved. “The word is runes, Rainbow Dash, not ruins,” she explained as she put the sheet with the rest of the dipped sheets.

Vinyl chortled as she dipped another sheet. “Yeah, even I knew that.”

More jiggling was heard at the door.

“I’ve also chaos-warded it!” she yelled.

“Drat,” Discord said. The door then opened and Spike came down the stairs holding a blender filled with lilies, ice cream, and ice. Twilight patted him on the head.

“Thank you, Spike!” she said as she applied magic to the plug, the machine coming to life. It reduced the lilies, ice cream, and ice to a fine mash. She lifted the hood off of her suit and chugged the whole thing down. “By the way, Discord, this was a great Hearth’s Warming present you gave me. Where did you get it?”

“...somewhere?” Discord replied tentatively.

Twilight laughed as she slipped her hood back on and dipped another sheet into her tray as Vinyl put her sheet on the stack. “That’s funny, that’s where all of Pinkie’s stuff comes from!” Spike nodded and walked upstairs. Twilight put the sheet on the stack and dipped another sheet.

When they were three quarters of the way through, Twilight was dancing in her seat as she stood up. “Excuse me, Vinyl, but I have to use the little filly’s room.” Twilight dashed upstairs. Vinyl dipped another sheet, pulled it out, started to put it on the stack, then stopped. She looked around for any surveillance. Satisfied to see that there was none, she slipped off her hood.

“Time to see what this stuff’s all about,” she said as she stuffed the entire sheet into her mouth, chewed it laboriously, then swallowed the whole thing. The door opened as she slipped her hood back on and Twilight trotted down the stairs.

“Okay, I’m back! Everything going fine, Vinyl?”

“Yup.”

Twilight grinned ear to ear. “That sounds great!” she said as she dipped another sheet into her tray.

Spike and Twilight Sparkle were staring at the barely conscious form of Vinyl Scratch, whose head had dropped into the tray of liquid. She had a ridiculous grin on her face and was humming a rather soothing melody.

“Code Dash?” Spike asked.

Twilight nodded. “Code Dash. You run upstairs and write the letter to Princess Luna. I’ll get Vinyl to sleep.” Twilight gently lifted Vinyl off of the table and removed her hood with her magic. Her horn then glowed as she sang.

Hush now, quiet now, it’s time to lay your sleepy head
Hush now, quiet now, it’s time to go to bed

Twilight stopped when she heard snoring, smiling at the snoozing form of her vivacious yet reckless friend. Princess Luna popped into the room and nodded to Twilight.

“Hello, Twilight. Have another one for me, do you?”

Twilight nodded as she grasped her huge syringe designed for possibly injecting dragons and sucked the liquid out of Vinyl’s tray, then injected it into the Night Princess. Princess Luna wobbled for a bit, then passed out, her eyes violently twitching. Spike walked down the stairs holding two juice boxes. He threw one to Twilight who caught it in her magic. They both removed the straw, stuck it into the box, sat down, and sipped the juice out of their boxes, watching the two unconscious ponies intently.

After about fifteen minutes of waiting, Vinyl opened her eyes and smiled, while Luna shot up and shivered, eyeing Vinyl down. Vinyl sat up and scratched the back of her neck and faced Luna. “So, was it as good for me as it was for you?”

Luna retched. “Good? Good!? That was the most depraved, despicable, and deranged thing I’ve ever been forced to take part in!” Luna said as she shook her head.

Vinyl waggled her eyebrows. “That fun, huh?”

Luna glared at Vinyl, her eyes leaking smoke and taking on a green hue. Purple magic collected on her horn, crackling with electricity. She then blasted Vinyl with the full force of the magic, lifting Vinyl off the ground. Twilight and Spike stared on with shock as Vinyl’s form was enveloped in purple. Finally, the magic died down and Vinyl rested back on her haunches.

Twilight and Spike stared at the scene in shock. Finally, Twilight spoke up. “What did you do, Princess Luna?”

Luna frowned. “I granted her the Bane of Perfect Immortality.”

Spike raised an eyebrow. “Why is that a bane?”

Luna smirked. “This is why.” Luna fired up her horn and sliced Vinyl in two through the waist, Vinyl’s screams filling up the building. Twilight and Spike could do nothing but stare in horror.

“Yo, what’s going on down there?” Rainbow asked.

Vinyl lay there, breathing heavily. Then, the top part of her body and the bottom part of her body drew together and fused. Vinyl sat back up and patted her waist.

Twilight stared goggle-eyed at Luna. “What did you do that for!?”

Luna shivered. “She...did things to me.” Luna then stood up and brushed herself off. “Vile, detestable things.”

Vinyl snorted. “Just showing you how to have a good time…”

Luna snapped her head to Vinyl.”A good TIME!? You call that a good TIME!? Most of the things you did to me would have killed a normal pony! What kind of depraved mind would come up with—”

Vinyl quickly covered Luna’s mouth. “Dude, not in front of the kid!”

Luna looked around and noticed Spike, quaking in his claws. She then shook her head. “Very well. I must take my leave. Farewell, Twilight. Farewell, Spike.” She then turned her head to Vinyl. “Next time you overdose, you’re on your own,” she said as she popped out of the room.

Vinyl snorted. “Who pissed in her coffee this morning?”

Twilight glared at Vinyl. “Judging by what I know, I think you did.”

Vinyl gave Twilight a confused stare. “But how did you know—” Vinyl said before she quickly shut up to try and fend off the horrified glares she received from both Twilight and Spike. “Uh, yeah. Maybe,” she said as she blushed, grinning all the while.

Three days later, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were standing in front of a two-story cloud building in Cloudsdale, staring at the second floor window.

Rainbow Dash snorted. “I’m surprised that Twilight didn’t send Vinyl along with us.”

Fluttershy shook her head. “Vinyl has to make a twelve-hour set. She needs a lot of creative time.”

“I kinda wanted to push her off the edge of Cloudsdale and watch her splat,” Rainbow Dash said as she giggled.

Fluttershy snapped her head towards Rainbow Dash. “Rainbow! How could you say such a thing!?”

Rainbow Dash shrugged. “I’unno. I just heard that she was invincible and wanted to see it for myself.” Rainbow Dash then turned her head to Fluttershy and raised an eyebrow. “Besides, aren’t you still kinda ticked off about her injecting your ketamine on you?”

Fluttershy nodded. “Maybe, but I’ve forgiven her for that. She came again yesterday and had a great time with Angel.”

Rainbow Dash shuddered. “I should’ve guessed those two would get along. They’re like peas in a pod.”

Fluttershy nodded and smiled. “I know, right? Besides, I’ve hidden my ketamine somewhere where Vinyl could never find it.”

Rainbow Dash looked at Fluttershy, eyebrow raised. “Where?”

Fluttershy looked around nervously. “...somewhere.”

Rainbow Dash snorted. “Discord.” The lights turned on in the second-story window. Rainbow Dash looked up excitedly and dragged Fluttershy upstairs.

The smell hit both of them upon entering. Inside were various pipes, shirts, and a dapper yellow pegasus with a blue mane standing behind the counter. Rainbow Dash trotted eagerly up to the counter, Fluttershy demurely following.

“Hello, mares,” the pegasus said with a smile, “Welcome to Cloudsdale Dispensary! My name is Lemon Diesel. What can I do you for?”

Rainbow Dash looked up. “We’d like to see your menu, please.” The yellow pegasus nodded and pulled out a menu, which Rainbow Dash grabbed in her hooves, looking over it intently. Rainbow Dash pored it over, Fluttershy standing there looking around nervously. Rainbow Dash playfully hit her shoulder and giggled.

“Come on, Flutters, this has been perfectly legal for three months! No need to be worried.” Rainbow Dash then looked up to Lemon Diesel. “Yeah, I’ll have a pound of—”

“—nothing,” Lemon Diesel said, “that would be wholesale, and wholesale is illegal.”

Rainbow Dash jostled Fluttershy, who jumped. “Give him the thing,” Rainbow Dash whispered. Fluttershy nodded and pulled a piece of paper out of her saddlebag and handed it to Lemon Diesel. He looked it over and read it quietly.

“This Royal Pardon absolves Cloudsdale Dispensary on any wrong-doing. Signed, Princess Twilight Sparkle.” Lemon Diesel looked it over again, then set the Pardon on the table and smiled at the two mares in front of him. “So, what can I get you?”

Rainbow Dash stared greedily at the three pounds of marijuana wrapped in plastic in front of her. The first was purple with a light smattering of crystals covering it, the second was bright green with orange hairs and heavily encased in crystals, and the third was various shades of green with bits of purple in it.

“Alright,” Lemon Diesel said, “This here is one pound of Purple Cotton, one pound of Trainwreck, and one pound of Gravity, which totals up to twelve thousand bits.”

Rainbow Dash’s eyes shot open as she stared at Lemon Diesel. “That’s highway robbery!”

Lemon Diesel shook his head. “My prices are non-negotiable. How will you be paying for your purchase?”

Rainbow Dash looked to the side. “Do you accept Equestrian Express?”

Lemon Diesel shook his head.

“Marecard?”

Lemon Diesel shook his head again.

“Visita?”

Lemon Diesel shook his head again and pointed to a sign that read No Credit Cards. Rainbow Dash looked down dejectedly. “Do you take cheques?”

Lemon Diesel nodded. “Yes, we accept cheques.”

Rainbow Dash turned to Fluttershy. “Fluttershy, hand me your chequebook!”

Fluttershy reached into her saddlebag and pulled out her chequebook. “Here you go, but don’t you need me to—”

Fluttershy was cut off by Rainbow Dash grabbing the chequebook out of Fluttershy’s hooves. Rainbow Dash nodded to Lemon Diese, who handed her a pen. She grabbed it in her mouth and started scribbling furiously, then ripped out the cheque and handed it to Lemon Diesel, Fluttershy staring on in shock.

Lemon Diesel smiled at the two mares. “Thank you for your patronage. Have a nice day.”

Rainbow Dash stuffed the pot into hers and Fluttershy’s saddlebags and trotted out, waving off-hoofedly to Lemon Diesel. When they were outside, Fluttershy turned to Rainbow Dash, her nostrils flaring.

“Did you just forge my signature in there?”

Rainbow Dash shrugged. “Yeah,” she said as she walked away. Fluttershy grabbed her foreleg and spun her around.

“How long have you been able to do that?”

Rainbow Dash pondered that. “Pinkie taught me about six months ago.”

Fluttershy’s eyes widened in shock. “W-who else can forge my signature?”

Rainbow Dash giggled. “Eh, just me and Pinks.”

Fluttershy facehooved. “And why can you forge my signature?”

“In case of emergencies, remember?” Rainbow Dash said as she dove off the edge of Cloudsdale, catching a drift. Fluttershy followed behind Dash.

“Well, if it’s only for emergencies, I guess it’s okay,” she said.

Rainbow Dash slapped Fluttershy on the back. “That’s the spirit! Now what do you say we test this stuff out?”

Fluttershy looked at Rainbow Dash. “Test...it...out?”

Rainbow Dash laughed. “Yeah!”

Fluttershy shook her head. “I’ve never smoked pot before.”

Rainbow Dash chuckled. “Well, there’s a first time for everything. Come on!” she said as she dove in a beeline for Ponyville. Fluttershy shook her head and followed.

Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Vinyl Scratch, Trixie Lulamoon, Pinkie Pie, and Angel Bunny were sitting outside by the chicken coop.Vinyl’s cheeks were bulged as she was holding a joint in her magic. She then coughed and blew out a thick cloud of smoke, passing to joint to Trixie who grasped it in her magic. Vinyl then looked to Rainbow Dash, her eyes slitted.

“Yo, Dash, this is some primo shit you got here!” she said.

Rainbow Dash, eyes bloodshot and head cocked off to the side, nodded and giggled. “I know, right?” she said as she turned her head to Trixie. “Told you Cloudsdale makes the best smoke!”

Trixie nodded as she gently inhaled and exhaled, passing the joint to Pinkie Pie. “Most definitely. The Buzzed and Baked Trixie hasn’t been this stoned since college.”

Pinkie Pie was sucking on the joint for all it was worth, looking down dejectedly when she was done, passing it to Angel, who smiled with glee. “This is no fair!” she while while she slammed her hooves on the grass, “why can’t I feel anything?” Angel sucked in, then blew out a thick O of smoke, and offered it to Fluttershy.

Vinyl giggled as she fell on her back, legs outstretched. “I don’t know. Maybe you just can’t get high.”

Trixie nodded. “I knew a stallion like that in college. He faced an ounce once.” She then looked up. “I can’t seem to recall his name, though,” she said while giggling, “I’m sure it’ll come to me.” Angel stared at Fluttershy, waving the joint at her. Fluttershy was unresponsive, staring into space. Angel shrugged and passed the joint to Rainbow Dash. She accepted it and inhaled, blowing out a thick cloud of smoke. They then heard hoofsteps.

“Celestia, it smells terrible back here,” a familiar voice said, revealing itself to be Princess Twilight Sparkle. She trotted into the yard, stopping when she saw the four ponies and one rabbit staring at her, Rainbow Dash with joint in hoof.

“What’s going on back here?” Twilight asked.

Trixie snorted. “What does it look like?”

Twilight shook her head. “I...don’t know. A ritual of some kind?”

Rainbow Dash chortled. “Yeah, I guess you could say that.”

Twilight then noticed Fluttershy in the prone position. “What happened to Fluttershy?”

Vinyl chuckled. “I guess she couldn’t handle her shit.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “What...stuff?”

Pinkie snorted. “I wish I couldn’t handle my stuff.”

Rainbow Dash offered the joint to Twilight. “This. Wanna try some?”

Twilight Sparkle examined the object the Rainbow Dash held in her hoof. It appeared to be cylindrical, one end burning, almost as if...Twilight reared when she realized what was going on.

“You’re smoking!?” Twilight Sparkle shook her head. “Don’t you know that smoking’s bad for you?”

“No shit, Sherclop,” Vinyl said.

Twilight glared at Vinyl. “And you need to watch your tongue!”

Trixie huffed. “What did you think you did with weed?”

Twilight shook her head. “I don’t know...eat it?”

Rainbow, Vinyl, Trixie, and Angel all shared a glance, then fell on their backs, laughing heartily at what Twilight just said. Pinkie giggled as well, not wanting to be left out of the fun.

Twilight facehooved. “Whatever. Just...don’t get that stuff near me. I have to count ticket sales,” she said as she trotted off.

While they were all laughing, Vinyl took the chance to fondle Trixie’s rump. Trixie’s eyes shot open as she grasped Vinyl’s hoof with her magic and ripped it off, Vinyl letting out a gut-wrenching scream in response. Satisfied, Trixie let go of the hoof, whereupon it flew back to Vinyl’s leg and reattached itself.

“Yo, what the hay was that for?” Vinyl asked.

“I told you I’d rip it off,” Trixie said with a smirk.

Howling at the Moon

Twilight was standing in the moonlight as she pulled out her banana communicator from her saddlebag. She shook it a couple times, then spoke into it, “Applejack?”

“Yes?” Applejack’s voice said through the banana. Twilight smiled.

“Is the bar set up?” Twilight asked.

“Well, all the main stuff is—”

“Good,” Twilight said, “Fluttershy?”

“Yes?” Fluttershy’s voice demurely said through the banana.

“Is the medical tent ready to go?”

“Twilight, it’s been ready to go for—”

“Is the tent ready to go?”

Silence was heard on the other end of the line, followed by a sigh. “Yes, Twilight, the medical tent is operational.”

“Okay,” Twilight said. “Rainbow, are—”

“Drug mules are roaming around the field as we speak!”

“...thank you, Rainbow Dash. Pinkie, are the glowsticks ready for distribution?”

“Oh my, yes,” Discord’s voice said through the banana.

Twilight frowned at the banana. “Discord, I asked Pinkie!”

Discord’s head then popped through the bottom of the banana and stared at Twilight. “Am I not good enough for you?”

Twilight stared confusedly at Discord. “No, that’s not—”

Discord popped his hands through the banana, cupped the sides of his mouth, and yelled out, “Hey! I’m apparently not good enough for the little pony Princes—AGH!”

Discord was shoved back through the banana by Twilight Sparkle’s magic. “Okay, then,” she said, “Vinyl?”

“Yo,” Vinyl said through the banana.

“Your music still set up?”

“Yep!”

“Okay,” Twilight said as she nodded at the banana..

“You know, nopony can see you nod, right?”

“Can it, Discord. Rarity, how are you doing?”

“Eh,” Rarity said lazily, “what am I supposed to do again?”

“You’re on tent repair standby.”

“Okay, but what am I supposed to do until then?”

Twilight stared at the banana. “Um...just mingle, I guess.”

“Eh,” Rarity said as a sipping sound was heard over the banana.

“...are you still drinking?”

“Yes.”

Twilight facehooved. “Why?”

Rarity giggled. “No reason. Anyway, with how much I use the Speed Up spell, I could use the extra calories.”

“Rarity, you do realize that those are empty calories, right?”

“How did they keep the vodka cold all the way from the Crystal Empire?” Rarity wondered aloud, seemingly ignoring Twilight’s last comment.

Twilight grinned with glee. “Oh, that’s just a simple refrigeration spell. I could teach it to you later.”

Rarity giggled on the other end of the line. “Oh, that would be most wonderful. That would save me so many bits on the mini-fridge I planned on getting Sweetie Belle and her friends.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “You were planning on getting the Cutie Mark Crusaders a mini-fridge? Why?”

“Well, they’ve been such good fillies in recent months that I’ve decided to reward them,” she said as she sipped on her vodka, “but now with this refrigeration spell, I could just enchant a cardboard box! Think of the bits I’d save!”

Twilight shook her head. “That wouldn’t work. The container has to be made from plastic, otherwise you’d end up with a frigid box,” Twilight said. A second later, she heard laughter emerge from everypony on the line. Twilight stared at the banana confusedly. “What? Did I say something funny?”

“N-nothing, darling,” Rarity said, still giggling, “I’ll tell you when you’re older.”

Twilight glared at the banana, fuming. “Okay, then,” she said, “Shiny?”

“Yes?” Shining Armor said over the line.

Twilight smiled. "You have the age shield set up?"

"Yes I do, Twiley. Nopony under eighteen is getting inside."

"That's great, Shiny. Glad to hear it!" Twilight looked over to the entrance of Sweet Apple Acres. Ponies were waiting patiently in a line that wrapped all the way through Ponyville. Twilight breathed in, then out. She then yelled, "I am proud to announce that the inaugural Ponyscape has now officially begun!"

Three hours later, the rave was well underway, with ponies packed into Sweet Apple Acres and the surrounding orchard dancing their flanks off to the electronic music Vinyl was blasting. Twilight could feel the thrum of the bass in her horn all the way from Applejack’s bar, where she was nursing a drink called Seabreeze, chosen because it reminded her of the plucky breezie she had met earlier that year. It also tasted sweet—she was barely able to make out the vodka contained within.

Twilight sighed and took a sip of her Seabreeze. Sure, the rave was fun and all, but she soon came to the realization that this wasn’t her scene. It was just so...loud. Trixie then trotted up and plopped down next to Twilight.

“Hey,” Trixie said as she nodded.

Twilight nodded back and said, “Hey,” as she took another sip of her drink.

Trixie slammed on the table and shouted, “a virgin mary over here!”

Applejack looked up. “Sure thing, Trixie,” she said as she pulled out the tomato juice and pepper sauce, poured them into a tumblr and shook up the tumbler. She then pulled out a red plastic cup, poured the contents of the tumbler into the cup and handed it to Trixie, who took a long, slow sip. “That’ll be two bits.”

Trixie glared at Applejack. “You’ve gotta be kidding me.”

Applejack smirked. “Nope.”

Trixie grumbled as she pulled the two bits out of her saddlebags and floated them over to Applejack, who grabbed them and put them in a burlap sack behind the counter. “Thank you.”

Trixie snorted. “Whatever.”

Twilight looked at Trixie and raised an eyebrow. “Why are you mad at paying for a drink?”

Trixie sighed as she sipped on her virgin mary. “It’s a Celestia-damned virgin mary. A hundred of these cost like a bit in raw materials.” She angrily took another sip.

Twilight giggled. “What you’re describing is a standard business mark-up. If you wanted to make a cheap virgin mary, you should have made one at Fluttershy’s.”

Trixie groaned. “But then I wouldn’t be here.”

Twilight sipped on her Seabreeze. “No, you wouldn’t.”

Trixie sipped on her drink. “But I don’t understand why virgin drinks couldn’t be sold at a loss and covered by the profit margins of the drugs and the tickets,” Trixie said, “the latter of which you sold out, if I’m not misinformed.”

Twilight grinned. “Yes. Yes we did.”

Trixie smirked. “I’m happy for you,” she said, sipping on her virgin mary again, “so why aren’t you out there enjoying your handiwork?”

Twilight shrugged and sipped on her Seabreeze. “I’m just not feeling it. And I’ve been trying to get drunk enough to enjoy the party,” she said while pointing to the cup that she was drinking out of, “but the alcohol doesn’t seem to be very effective...”

Trixie snickered. “I thought it would be obvious to you why.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow at Trixie. “Why?”

“It’s because you’re an alicorn now,” Trixie said, “have you ever seen Celestia or Luna drunk?”

Twilight thought on that for a good moment. Had she ever seen Celestia or Luna drunk? She HAD seen them drinking before...but to her surprise, she couldn’t recall ever seeing them actually drunk before. Twilight sighed. “No, I suppose I haven’t.”

Trixie smirked. “Thought so,” she said as she finished off her virgin mary, “why, I’ll put a hundred bits that you could drink the entire contents of a bottle of vodka without feeling the effects.”

Applejack, who had been serving other ponies, finished serving her customer and trotted over to the two. “Bettin’, huh? Well, then, I’ll bet that she DOES get drunk.”

Trixie eyed down Applejack. “You’re on.”

Twilight, who was sipping her Seabreeze, choked on the fluid in her mouth and spit it back into the cup. “Hold on a tick. Who said I would engage in this ridiculous bar bet?”

Trixie put a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder. “Let’s look at this logically, shall we? If you drink the entire contents and don’t get drunk, no harm, no foul.”

“And if ya do get drunk,” Applejack said, “you’ll get what you want and be able to enjoy the rave.”

Twilight thought over both options carefully.

Trixie smiled. “So, either way, it’s a win-win.”

Twilight finished off her Seabreeze and placed the cup on the table. “Alright, let’s do it.”

Applejack and Trixie both smiled. “Perfect,” they said in unison.

Several ponies had crowded around the bar. Rarity was trying to shove through the throng to see what was going on. She finally broke through to witness Twilight attempting to power through a whole bottle of Crystal Empire vodka. Rainbow Dash was floating above, leading the ponies gathered around in a chant.

“CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!”

Rarity glared at Twilight and gave a disapproving glare. “Twilight, what in blazes are you doing?”

Twilight pulled the bottle away from her lips, wiped her mouth, and grinned. “Chugging an entire bottle of vodka.”

Rarity sighed. “Well, that’s apparent. What I mean to ask is, why?”

Twilight shrugged. “Well, Trixie and Applejack made a bet to see if I could get drunk.”

Rarity glared at Applejack. “Well, I wouldn’t expect any less from Trixie, but I’m rather ashamed of Applejack right now.”

Applejack shrugged. “Hey, I figured it was free money.”

Rarity facehooved, then looked at Twilight. “And what do YOU get out of this bet, Twilight?”

Twilight smiled. “Drunk, hopefully,” she said as she put the opening of the bottle back to her lips and started chugging again.

Rarity shook her head, then turned it to Rainbow Dash. “And why are you encouraging this?”

Rainbow Dash giggled. “C’mon, you know I love a healthy competition!”

Rarity snorted. “There is nothing healthy about this competition. Your best friend and Trixie are betting on whether another one of your best friends will get drunk.”

Rainbow Dash shrugged. “I said the competition was healthy, not the actual event.”

Rarity closed her eyes, then took a deep breath. She then turned towards Twilight. “What do you plan on doing when you actually get drunk, Twilight?”

Twilight pulled the bottle away from her lips. “The question is if I get drunk.”

Rarity shook her head and gritted her teeth. “No, the question is when. I don’t care if you’re a Celestia-damned dragon, you WILL get drunk if you imbibe an entire bottle of vodka.”

Twilight smiled. “That remains to be seen,” she said as she faced down the throng. “What do you say we continue this experiment?”

“YES!” the mob cheered.

Twilight smiled widely. “Alright, we’re at a quarter of a bottle with no effects!”

Trixie gave a knowing glance at Applejack. Applejack grunted and shouted,“C’mon, sugarcube, get wasted!” Twilight nodded at Applejack and put the bottle back to her lips and continued her chugging.

Rarity stared at Applejack in shock. “You mean...you’re the one who bet on her getting wasted?”

Applejack gave Rarity a fish-eating grin. “Told ya it was a sure bet.”

“That remains to be seen,” Trixie said, sipping on some orange juice, “she’s drunk a quarter of a bottle with no effects so far.”

“Don’t matter,” Applejack said, “anypony would get hammered if they drank an entire bottle of vodka.”

“We’ll see about that,” Trixie said as she sipped on her orange juice.

Twilight had pounded down half of the bottle by now. She pulled the bottle away and let out a mighty howl, the ponies crowding around aping the action.

Applejack chuckled. “Told ya she’d feel it.” Trixie frowned.

Twilight turned her head towards Applejack, “No, I’m pretty sure it’s just adrenaline kicking in,” she said. Applejack frowned while Trixie smiled. “Still, this was a great idea!” Twilight said as she put the bottle back to her mouth and kept chugging.

“That remains to be seen,” Rarity said, “there are other consequences to heavy drinking besides hangovers.”

A half an hour later, Twilight had finished the entire bottle and was sitting on her haunches, wobbling in place. Applejack smirked and opened her saddlebag. Trixie grumbled as she fished out the hundred bits and floated it into Applejack’s saddlebag, whereupon Applejack closed it.

Twilight grinned stupidly. “I feel...wavy.”

“That’s nice,” Trixie growled.

Rarity stared in shock at Twilight. “She did it...I can’t believe she actually did it…”

Rainbow Dash swooped down and raised Twilight’s hoof in the air. “Give it up to the Mare with the Iron Stomach, Twilight Sparkle!” The crowd let out a cheer.

Twilight pulled her hoof away. “I feel like…” she said as she got onto all fours and gesticulated wildly.

Trixie raised an eyebrow. “What the hay is she doing?”

Applejack facehooved. “She’s dancing.”

Trixie’s eyes widened, then a small chortle escaped her nose before turning into full-blown laughter. “DANCING!? That’s what she calls dancing!” Trixie said as she fell to the ground and rolled around laughing, “this was so worth losing one hundred bits!”

Applejack sighed. “To be honest, she’s not much better when she’s sober.”

Trixie froze, then belted out a hearty guffaw as she continued rolling around. “Oh Celestia, this is too rich! Somepony better be taking pictures of this!”

Applejack rolled her eyes. “I’m sure somepony is.”

Trixie kept laughing. “Celestia, my sides!”

Rarity snorted. “Okay, Trixie, we get it. This is very amusing, but could you please stop laughing? It’s getting rather annoying.”

Trixie’s laughter died down as small giggles escaped from her lips. Rainbow Dash high hooved Trixie as they watched Twilight dance poorly. Everypony else gathered around started dancing as well, bumping into Rarity.

“Good heavens, watch where you’re going!” Rarity shouted, whereupon a small circle was created around her. Rarity smiled. “That’s better.” Rarity then trotted up to Twilight, who was still dancing terribly. “Twilight, could you please stop you’re making an ass out of—” she said before an errant hoof decked her in the jaw, knocking her to the ground. She got up onto her haunches and rubbed her jaw. “I say,” Rarity grumbled.

Pinkie popped out from behind the bar. “That’s what you get for interfering with a dancing Twilight!”

Trixie stared at Pinkie Pie in shock. “How did she…”

“Don’t ask,” Applejack said, “it’s just Pinkie Pie.”

“So, Pinks,” Rainbow Dash said, “what have you been up to?”

Pinkie let out a wide grin. “Oh, I’ve been hanging with Fluttershy watching Discord do mind surgery on ponies that overdosed on LSD. It’s so much fun!”

Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Trixie all swiveled their heads to face Pinkie Pie.

“Did you say…” Trixie started.

“...Discord’s doing…” Rarity continued.

“...mind surgery…” Rainbow Dash went on.

“...on ponies?” Applejack finished.

Pinkie nodded forcefully. “Yeah, it’s so much fun! First, Sweetie Drops brought in Lyra, and when Discord finished with her, she started calling Sweetie Drops Bon-Bon and wouldn’t shut up about hands!”

Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow. “You mean like on a minotaur?”

Pinkie nodded. “Uh-huh! Next was Derpy, and when Discord popped out of her head, she thought she was a mailmare and had two daughters!”

Applejack stared at Pinkie Pie. “That’s...interestin’.”

Pinkie grinned. “I thought so, too! I left when Discord was operating on Time Turner. I can’t wait to see what he turns into.”

Rarity facehooved. “Damnit...I thought this might happen,” she said. She then turned to Twilight. “Twilight, darling?”

Twilight stopped her ridiculous dancing and turned towards Rarity. “Yes?”

“Discord’s messing up ponies’ minds again.”

Twilight chuckled. “Nah. S’ok. It’s not like he’s hurting anypony. Who knows, they might even be more interesting now!” she said as she continued her dancing.

Everypony stared blankly at Twilight, at a loss for what to say. Finally, Trixie said, “did she just say ‘s’ok’?”

“More importantly, did she just approve of Discord messing with ponies’ minds?” Rainbow Dash added.

Everypony stared for a second. Rarity then said, “did she just say ‘s’ok’?”

Applejack giggled. “Yep, she’s wasted, alright.”

Pinkie stared at Applejack, then Twilight, then Applejack again. “Twilight’s drunk?”

Applejack nodded. “Eeyup. Drank an entire bottle of vodka.”

“Why?” Pinkie asked.

Rarity motioned towards Twilight with her hoof. “So that this could happen to her.”

Pinkie grinned ear to ear. “Well, then I think she succeeded!” Rarity facehooved.

“Nevermind that,” Trixie said as she stood up, “we should probably try to convince Discord to stop messing with ponies’ minds.”

Rarity sighed. “For once, Trixie, I agree with you. Let’s head over to the medical tent.”

Rainbow Dash took to the skies as Rarity and Trixie trotted over to the general direction of the medical tent. Applejack sighed as she stood behind the bar. “So, it looks like it’s you, Twilight, and me, Pinkie—” Applejack said as she turned her head to where Pinkie should be, finding her gone. Applejack sighed. “Eeyup.”

Twilight was dancing hard, waving her legs every which way. Drinking all that vodka really loosened her up. She was really enjoying the rave. She stopped when she felt something poking her side, turning to see the source of the disturbance. It was an orange unicorn with a shaggy green mane, chortling slightly.

“Nice dancing,” he said.

Twilight beamed. “Thank you!”

The unicorn quickly collected himself and asked, “would you be available for an interview?”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “An interview? For who?”

“The Canterlot Post. I’d like to do an article on this wondrous event that you’ve created.”

Twilight shook her head. “Oh, no, this was Vinyl’s idea, and I couldn’t have done it without my friends,” Twilight said as she trotted over to the unicorn, “in fact, friendship is what this event is all about!”

The unicorn raised an eyebrow. “Explain.”

Twilight giggled. “Well, we thought a bunch of ponies collected together in a large place like this was bound to create a lot of connections.”

The unicorn nodded. “Interesting.” He then shook his head. “Maybe we could continue this interview somewhere more...quiet?”

Twilight nodded. “Sure! We could go to my house!” Twilight then giggled. “It’s a tree.”

The unicorn rolled his eyes. “So I’ve heard.”

Twilight waved to unicorn over, and they started trotting together. “By the way,” Twilight asked, “what’s your name?”

The unicorn nodded. “Name’s Quill. Psychokinetic Quill.”

Twilight nodded. “What does your name signify?”

Quill smiled. “I like to think it means that my written word lifts right off the page.”

Twilight chuckled. “That seems rather arrogant of you.”

Quill eyed Twilight down. “Hey, you’re the one who asked.”

Five hours later, Trixie, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Discord and Rarity headed back to the bar. Discord was being dragged by the ear by Rarity’s magic.

“Ow! Stop that!” he said.

“Oh, what are you blathering on about?” Rarity asked, “you did a very naughty thing today!”

Discord smirked. “You must admit, though,” he said as he snapped his fingers and appeared in front of the group, “you did find my...modifications to Time Turner rather...dashing, didn’t you?”

Rarity blushed. Rainbow Dash glared at Rarity. “Oh, come on, Rares!”

“I can’t help it if I have a weakness for a stallion with a Trottingham accent,” Rarity said.

“Yeah, but he wouldn’t shut up about his retardis,” Dash said, “I swear, it sounds like some kind of disease Twilight would come up with.”

“Oh, stuff it, Rainbow Dash,” Rarity said, “and he said tardis, not retardis.” Rarity then chuckled. “I swear, if that’s what you heard, maybe you’re the retardis.”

Rainbow Dash looked away, blushing. “I couldn’t really make out what he was saying due to his accent.”

Pinkie grinned widely. “I really liked the stories he came up with!”

Rarity glared at Pinkie. “You mean the stories Discord planted into his mind.”

Pinkie nodded. “Yep, those ones! Like the metal trash can robots, or the statues that only move when you’re not looking!”

Rarity shivered. “Honestly, those remind me a bit of you, Pinkie.”

Pinkie raised an eyebrow. “Why?”

Rarity shook her head. “Well, it’s the way you travel vast distances when nopony’s looking. I honestly swore that one time I saw you in two places at once.”

Pinkie chortled. “That would be silly! How could I be in two places at once?”

Rarity glared at Pinkie. “I know what I saw.”
Pinkie stuck out her tongue at Rarity. Rainbow Dash high-hooved Pinkie while Rarity fumed. “Nice comeback, Pinks!” Rainbow Dash said.

Discord chortled. “I honestly don’t see why you had me change them all back. I was just having a bit of fun,” he said, “besides, they were all a lot more interesting this way.” Rarity glared at Discord and pulled his head down by his ear. “Ow, stop that!” he said.

Rarity bored a hole into Discord’s skull with her eyes. “Listen here. Messing with somepony’s mind like that is NEVER fun. What you did to those ponies was akin to what you did to us.” Rarity then sighed. “I swear, if we still had the Elements, I’d motion we turn you into a lawn ornament right now.”

Discord grinned. “But you don’t, do you?” He then wrested his head from Rarity’s grip. “Besides, Fluttershy would never stand for it. She actually found my antics hilarious. As did Pinkie Pie.”

Rarity facehooved, then slid her hoof down her face. “First of all, Pinkie finds everything hilarious.” Rarity then snorted. “And as for Fluttershy, I think she has a thing for you.”

Discord raised an eyebrow. “Really? I hadn’t noticed.”

Rainbow Dash barked out a laugh. “Yeah. She totes got it bad for you.”

Discord stared into space, then shrugged. “Eh.”

Pinkie glared at Discord. “Eh? You say eh to that?” Pinkie then leapt up and grabbed Discord’s head. “You find out that one of the prettiest ponies in existence has the hots for you and you say eh?”

Discord plucked Pinkie Pie off of his head and gently placed her on the ground. “I don’t really pay the whole love game.” Discord then glared at everypony. “And seriously, when did I grow a sign that said, ‘touch my head, please?’”

“Huh…” Trixie said while examining her legs and body.

“What now, Trixie?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“What does it mean?” Trixie asked.

“What does what mean?” Rarity asked.

“These sigils,” Trixie said.

“What sigils?” Pinkie asked.

“The ones all over my body. Can’t you see them?”

Everypony present raised an eyebrow at Trixie. Discord then peered at Trixie.

“Tell me, Ms. Lulamoon,” Discord said, “where did you go when you disappeared off for a moment at the medical tent?”

Trixie snorted in laughter. “Well, when you were arguing about why Discord should change the ponies back, I went off and bought some LSD.”

Rarity raised an eyebrow. “Why?”

Trixie giggled. “Because I thought it would make the argument more interesting.”

Discord motioned a paw towards Trixie. “See? Even your friend was so bored by the argument that she wandered off and got high!”

Rarity snorted. “Well, it was an argument worth having...Trixie, what are you doing?”

Rainbow Dash turned her head to see Trixie gnawing on her tail. She shot straight up into the air. “Hey! Get off!”

Trixie chortled. “But I wanted to taste the rainbow!”

Rainbow Dash facehooved. “Oh, come on!” Pinkie giggled. Rainbow Dash turned her head to Pinkie Pie, glaring.

Pinkie Pie shrugged. “What? It was funny!”

Rainbow Dash kept her glare fixed on Pinkie. “Let’s see how funny you think it is when Trixie’s chewing on your tail.”

Rarity shook her head. “Well, let’s head back to the bar and check in on Twilight.”

Everyone nodded and followed Rarity back to the bar. When they got there, they were surprised to find Twilight gone. Rarity shook her head and trotted up to the bar. “Applejack?”

Applejack served a drink to a patron and turned to Rarity. “Yes?”

“Where did Twilight go?”

“I saw her trot off with some gangly-looking orange unicorn stallion, supposedly for an interview at her place.”

“Did you happen to get his name?” Rarity asked.

“Uhhh...I think it was Psychokinetic Quill.”

Rarity turned away and tapped her chin with her hoof. An idea flashed in her head. “Perhaps they went to her place to get some coffee, if you know what I’m saying…” she said while smiling.

Discord’s eyes lit up. “A little wink wink, nudge nudge?”

Rarity chortled. “Say no more…” she said.

Trixie, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie all stared at Rarity and Discord confusedly.

“What?” Trixie asked.

Rarity chuckled, then put a hoof on Trixie’s shoulder. “Trixie...darling...why don’t you go to Twilight’s Library and ask for her help in decoding your runes—”

“—sigils—”

“—whatever. I’m sure she’ll figure them out in no times at all.”

Trixie nodded and got up on her hooves. “Okay, that makes sense,” she said as she trotted off.

Rainbow Dash stared at Rarity. “Why did you do that?”

Rarity snickered. “You know, you and Pinkie don’t have the market cornered on pranks.”

Pinkie raised a hoof. “But doesn’t interrupting them while they’re...you know...seem kind of mean?”

Rarity huffed. “She’s probably blacked out and won’t remember a thing.”

Discord lowered her head to face Rarity at eye level. “That seems unusually callous, even for you.”

Rarity scoffed. “It’s no worse than what Rainbow Dash did to Gilda.”

Pinkie raised an eyebrow. “But she’s a bitch.”

Rarity giggled. “But Rainbow Dash didn’t know it at the time.”

Rainbow Dash nodded. “Yeah, I guess so.”

Rarity chortled. “Oh, this is going to be so much fun!”

A Small Misunderstanding

Twilight Sparkle woke up in her bed, eyes still closed. She smiled, breathed in, then breathed out. She turned over in her bed and opened her eyes to see an unfamiliar orange unicorn stallion with a shaggy green mane sleeping next to her. She shrieked and cast a reverse gravity spell on the intruder, who woke up upon slamming against the ceiling.

Twilight glared at the stallion. “Who are you and what were you doing in my bed?”

The stallion shook his head and sat up on his haunches, hanging off of the ceiling like a bat. He scratched his head and said, “...you don’t remember?”

Twilight shook her head, covering herself with the comforter. “...no. What happened?”

The stallion rested his forehead on his hoof, then lifted his head and said, “Well, let’s start with what you remember.”

Twilight looked down. “Well, let’s see...I drank an entire bottle of vodka...then I was dancing...and that’s it.” She then looked up at the unicorn.

The unicorn looked down relative to him. “So, I guess introductions are in order.” He then looked at Twilight. “Name’s Quill. Psychokinetic Quill.”

Twilight nodded uneasily. “Nice to meet you…”

“Just call me Quill.”

Twilight nodded again. “Okay, Quill.”

Quill nodded. “Okay, I approached you concerning an article for the Canterlot Post—”

“—I don’t usually talk to journalists,” Twilight said as she glared at Quill.

Quill nodded. “I’m aware. I figured that due to the jovial atmosphere, you might loosen up a bit. You accepted my offer for an interview and suggested we go back to your place, here.”

“Because of the noise,” Twilight said.

Quill’s eyebrows raised. “So you remember?”

Twilight shook her head. “No, it just sounds like something I would do. Please continue.”

Quill nodded. “Alright, so we head back to your place, and we conducted the interview, whereupon you suggested we engage in intercourse. I tried to turn you down, but you insisted.”

Twilight let out a small giggle. “Of course. Who wouldn’t I want to engage in a healthy intercourse?”

Quill sighed and shook his head. “I don’t think you quite follow.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

Quill took a deep breath, then exhaled. “It wasn’t...that kind of intercourse, if you know what I’m saying.”

Twilight nodded. “Okay.” She then stood up and began to make her bed when she noticed a small red stain on the sheet. She examined it closely and dipped her hoof in it. She licked the substance tentatively, noting that it was blood. She shrugged and trotted off towards the bathroom.

Quill let out a huge sigh. “Well, that could have gone worse.”

A deafening scream emerged from the bathroom followed by Twilight storming out. She let out sharp, ragged breaths as she eyed down Quill.

“Oh boy,” he said.

Twilight grasped Quill in her magic and repeatedly slammed him against the ceiling and screamed, “you monster! You forced yourself on me and stole my purity!” She then let go of Quill, fell to her haunches and sobbed.

Quill shook his head and stood up. “Me? Steal an alicorn’s virtue!?” he said while chuckling. This was swiftly met by Twilight slamming him against the ceiling yet again.

“Screw you! It’s not funny!” Twilight screeched as she stormed past the guest bed where a sleeping form was lying underneath the sheets. She continued to storm downstairs and slammed the door behind her. She saw Spike dusting the library as the sound of her hooves pealed against the stairs. Spike looked up and smiled.

“Hey, Twi, what’s up?” he asked.

Twilight took her seat behind the library desk and started writing furiously. “Not now, Spike.”

“But Twi—”

Twilight turned her head to face Spike and shot daggers at him with her eyes. “Not. Now.”

Spike shrugged and kept up his dusting. Best not to prod the beast, he thought to himself.

Trixie felt something soft hit her head. She screwed her eyes shut, hoping it was a dream. Something else soft hit her head. She opened her eyes to see a stallion on the ceiling. She turned her head back to the pillow, hoping to Celestia that she was still high from last night. Her hopes were dashed when she felt something hard hit her head. Furious, she shot up, pulled out her earplugs and screamed, “why are you throwing things at me!?”

The stallion winced. “Because I gotta take a leak and I’m stuck to the ceiling. Can you help me?”

Trixie shook her head, faechooved, then slid her hoof down her face. “Why me?” she whispered quietly to herself. She then looked up at the stallion, grasped him in her pink glow, and dragged him down to her level. “Fine, let’s go,” she said as she pulled the unicorn through the door of Twilight’s bedroom and downstairs, where Twilight was writing furiously. Trixie tapped Twilight on the shoulder.

Twilight snapped her head back. “What?” She then shot a glare at Quill. “What’s he doing here? He’s supposed to be on the ceiling.”

Trixie rolled her eyes. “So you knew there was a unicorn on your ceiling?”

Twilight glared at Trixie. “Of course. I put him there!”

Trixie raised an eyebrow. “And why did you put him there?”

Twilight snorted. “Because he forced himself on me and stole my innocence!”

Trixie stared at Twilight confusedly. “You mean to claim that this gangly stallion,” she said as she shook Quill in her magic, “somehow stole an alicorn’s virginity?” Trixie tittered.

Twilight’s eyes slitted. “And why exactly is that funny?”

Trixie chuckled. “Do you honestly think,” she said as her laughter picked up, “that this stallion right here could overpower an alicorn who is one of the single most powerful magic users in all of Equestria,” she continued as she let go of Quill, who screamed as he slammed against the ceiling, “and violate her!?”

“I don’t think he could violate Twilight,” Spike said as he dusted, “I mean, she doesn’t even have a carriage to violate!” Trixie and Twilight both turned their heads to face Spike. Spike looked confusedly at the mares. “What did I say?”

Twilight sighed. “Spike, go to your room.”

“But Twi—”

“Room. Now.”

Spike sighed as he slumped over and walked upstairs to his room, slamming the door behind him. Trixie then turned to Twilight. “Okay, let’s look at this logically.”

Twilight nodded, her jaw clenched. “Okay, let’s.”

Trixie shook her head, then faced Twilight. “Okay, so you’re more powerful than every single unicorn by at least a factor of ten, and you were drunk—”

“—exactly,” Twilight said, “who knows how that would affect my magic.”

Trixie facehooved. “That’s what I was getting at. You see, every unicorn is taught to control their magic so as to not hurt anypony. These blocks are unlocked when heavily intoxicated.” Trixie then smirked. “So, in all likelihood, if you didn’t want to give it up, you wouldn’t have. In fact, you probably would have liquefied his bones or fried his brains.”

Twilight looked up uneasily. “But it doesn’t seem like something I would do.” Twilight frowned. “He must have tricked me somehow.”

Trixie facehooved again. “Once again, really? You’re the cleverest pony in all of Equestria. Nopony could pull a fast one on you.”

Twilight’s eyes widened as she looked at Trixie. “Thank you, Trixie. That means a lot, coming from you.”.

Trixie blushed. “Well, it’s true. Anyway, what do you think it was about Quill that made you want to give it up to him?”

Twilight looked up and tapped her chin with her hoof. “Well, I don’t really know anything about him. Maybe a memory spell would clear up what happened.”

“I volunteer!” Quill shouted.

“Shut up!” Trixie and Twilight shouted simultaneously. They then turned to face each other, ignoring the stallion on the ceiling that needed to urinate very dreadfully.

“So,” Trixie asked, “what do you know about him so far?”

Twilight looked up while tapping her chin with her hoof. “Well, he seems patient. At least he was with me when explaining what happened last night.”

Trixie nodded. “Hmm. He also seems to have a huge pair.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “A huge pair of what?”

Trixie facehooved. “He has guts for even attempting to ask you for an interview.”

Twilight nodded. “Yeah, that’s true.” Twilight shifted in her chair. “He also seems intelligent, or at least logically minded.”

Trixie chortled. “Not that smart, considering he slept with a drunken alicorn princess.”

Twilight blinked, not sure how to respond to that. “He’s also orange.”

Trixie started to nod, then froze. “Did...you just list ‘orange’ as a reason to sleep with a pony?”

Twilight nodded. “Yeah, that’s probably the main reason that we fornicated.”

Trixie blinked. “...why orange?”

Twilight shook her head. “Look, I have a weakness for orange stallions, okay?”

“Did you just use fornicate in a sentence unironically?” Quill asked.

Trixie swiveled her head to the ceiling. “Nopony’s talking to you!”

Quill snorted. “Well, everypony’s talking about me.”

Twilight facehooved. “Yes, I used fornicate in a sentence. Fornicate is a word, after all.”

“Yeah,” Quill said, “But it’s so...clunky. I didn’t think anypony would actually use it.”

Twilight growled. “Look. It’s a word. It described what we did. You’re already on thin ice.”

Quill raised an eyebrow. “But I thought we went over why it would have been impossible for me to rape you.”

Twilight groaned. “We went over why it would be improbable. There’s still a chance.”

“A very small chance—”

“—shut up!” Trixie shouted at Quill, upon which he retreated into himself on the ceiling.

Twilight spun around and continued her writing. “Anyway, why are you being so mean to him, Trixie?” she asked, “you’re the one saying that he didn’t despoil me.”

Trixie blew a strand of hair out of her face. “I’m just saying he didn’t sexually assault you,” she said as she glared at Quill, “but he still took advantage of you.”

“I did NOT take advantage of her!” Quill shouted from the ceiling. “If anything, SHE took advantage of me!”

Twilight looked up and raised an eyebrow. “Explain.”

Trixie looked up as well. “This ought to be good…”

Quill put a hoof to his mouth and cleared his throat. “Well, remember when I said that you insisted on intercouse?” Twilight nodded. “Well, you didn’t insist so much as Royally Decree that I deflower you after I resisted your advances.”

Twilight Sparkle facehooved. “Now I know you’re making stuff up.”

Quill raised an eyebrow. “How so?”

Twilight shook her head. “Because there is no logical chain of events that would lead me to engage in such an action.” Quill chuckled. Twilight glared at Quill. “What’s so funny?”

Quill shook his head, still chuckling. “Logic has nothing to do with it when you’re under the effects of a mind-altering substance.”

Trixie turned her head to Twilight. “You WERE pretty tanked last night…”

Twilight facehooved and shook her head. “Whatever. It still doesn’t make sense.”

“What doesn’t make sense?” A familiar voice said. Trixie and Twilight both turned their heads to see Rarity enter the library wearing a saddlebag. Twilight smiled.

“Rarity! Just the mare I was looking for!”

Rarity raised an eyebrow and looked around. “Whyever were you looking for me?” she said. Quill cleared his throat, upon which Rarity looked up at him. “Are you aware that there’s a unicorn on your ceiling?”

Twilight shook her head. “That’s why we were looking for you. I need you to cast a memory spell on me.”

Rarity looked nonplussed. “But I don’t know how to cast a memory spell. And why would you need a memory spell in the first place?”

Twilight blushed. “Well, I apparently had intercourse with the stallion on the ceiling, and we need to figure out if it was rape.”

“Or if he just took advantage of her inebriated state,” Trixie cut in with.

“Anyway, I know how to cast a memory spell,” Twilight said, “and I can transfer that memory to you, therefore enabling you to cast it.”

Rarity raised an eyebrow. “Can...you really do that?”

Twilight nodded. “I don’t see why not. It shouldn’t be any different than when I reversed your brainwashing by Discord.”

Rarity nodded. “Hrm...okay. How exactly would this work?”

Twilight grinned eagerly. “Well, when I cured you of Discord’s brainwashing, I transferred my memories of you while reinforcing it with your own memories. This should work theoretically by me transferring my memories of casting that same spell into you, where you’ll then extricate my buried memories of the event.”

Trixie raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure this’ll work? You were blacked out. There shouldn’t be any memory to recall.”

Twilight shook her head. “The memories should still be there. I just can’t recall them.” She then turned her head to Rarity. “So, you ready?”

Rarity looked down, then looked up. “Um, I guess…”

Twilight smiled. “Okay!” She then touched her horn to Rarity’s, whereupon a white glow embedded itself into Rarity’s eyes. After a second, Rarity pulled away her horn and staggered back.

Rarity blinked and touched a hoof to her head. “Well...that was certainly quite an experience.” Rarity then put her hoof down and shook her head. “Alright, let’s try this,” she said as she touched her horn to Twilight’s. Twilight’s eyes were felt with various visions of last night that...aren’t going to be expounded upon here. After the process was done, Twilight pulled away with a somber look on her face while Rarity licked her lips, both of their cheeks flushed.

“Well,” Rarity said, “he appeared to be a perfect gentlecolt.”

Twilight nodded slowly. “And I did really Royally Decree him to deflower me…”

Trixie raised an eyebrow. “I’ll be the judge of that. Let me see.”

Rarity giggled, trotted towards Trixie, and touched her horns to Trixie’s. Visions flashed through Trixie’s eyes. When they were done, Rarity pulled away, Trixie now blushing with a wide eyed look of shock on her face.

“See anything you like?" Rarity asked demurely.

Trixie shook her head. “Did you see the size of that thing!? It was like a Ponyville Slugger!”

Rarity licked her lips. “I know.”

Trixie touched her hoof to her forehead. “But that...it shouldn’t…” Trixie said as she turned her head towards Twilight. “Are you in any pain right now?”

Twilight shook her head. “Why would I be in pain?”

Trixie’s jaw dropped. “Did you see the size of that thing!?”

Twilight sighed. “Yes, I saw the size of ‘that thing’,” she said as she turned to her desk and continued her writing.

Trixie blinked. “And you don’t understand why you shouldn’t be able to walk right now!?”

Rarity raised an eyebrow. “She is an alicorn, after all.”

Trixie looked at the ground. “I know, but…” she stammered. She then looked at Twilight. “How do you become an alicorn?”

Twilight shrugged. “I don’t know. It seemed kind of random, to be honest.”

Trixie swung her hoof. “Drat!”

Quill then cleared his throat from the ceiling, upon which everypony looked up. “Now that I’ve been exonerated, could somepony let me down from here?”

Twilight sighed. “Fine,” she said as her horn glowed, releasing Quill from the ceiling while simultaneously rendering him a slave to gravity. He fell screaming to the ground and hit it with a loud thud. Quill stood up and glared at Twilight. Twilight blushed. “I’m sorry about the misunderstanding. I hope you enjoyed your stay at Ponyville.”

Quill huffed. “Oh yes, this day has just been perfect,” he said as he trotted out the door.

Trixie snorted. “Well, that could’ve gone better.”

Twilight sighed. “Well, it also could have gone a lot worse.”

Rarity chortled. “Well, it seems to have worked out anywho,” she said as she slung the saddlebag onto the library desk. “Well, this is why I came here.”

Twilight eyed the saddlebag, opened it, and peered inside. She then looked up at Rarity. “Why did you give me the leftover drugs?”

Rarity shook her head. “Because, you’re the most responsible and least likely to abuse them.”

“Eh,” Twilight said as she closed the saddlebag and slid it under the desk. “So, what are the other girls up to?”

“Well,” Rarity said, “Applejack and Vinyl are counting the revenue from the event—apparently Vinyl’s good at counting things—while Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Shining Armor are cleaning up.”

Twilight giggled at the thought of her brother picking up plastic cups and refuse. “So what’s Fluttershy up to?”

Rarity nodded. “She and Discord are packing for her job.”

Trixie smacked her forehead. “Oh, crap, I completely forgot! We’re supposed to be leaving today to promote the Plxyr!” Trixie said as she dashed out of the library, Rarity and Twilight watching. When she left, Rarity turned to Twilight.

“So,” Rarity asked, “how was he?”

Twilight looked up. “Well, he seemed patient and understanding, so that’s a plus.” Twilight then giggled sadly. “But I don’t think we’ll be seeing him anytime soon due to the way I treated him.”

Rarity tutted and put a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder. “There, there, no need to worry. These things happen sometimes. Why,” she said as she lifted her hoof from Twilight’s shoulder and faced away, “I bet he’ll be writing you in no time once he realizes how terribly frightened you were!”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “You sure?”

Rarity chuckled. “To borrow a phrase from Applejack, ‘I’d bet the farm on it!’” Both girls smiled at that.

“Thank you, Rarity,” Twilight said.

Rarity nodded. “My pleasure, Twilight.”

Princesses Celestia and Luna trotted into the lobby of Transpicuous Pharmaceuticals, their hooves clacking against the shining brown tile, Obsidian Shield trailing. They set their eyes upon a polished maple desk where a yellow unicorn mare with an orange mane was writing something. The Princesses trotted up to the desk and waited patiently, Obsidian groaning with impatience. The unicorn finished her writing, then looked up to see the alicorns and smiled.

“Hello, I’m Spring Step. What can I help you three with today?”

Luna leaned over to Celestia and whispered, “She didn’t bow.”

Celestia leaned into her sister and whispered back, “I know, and it’s a wonderful change of pace.” Celestia then disengaged herself from her sister and looked Spring Step directly in the eyes. “Hello, Spring Step. We are here for our appointment with Red Umbra.”

Spring Step nodded, then pulled out an appointment book. “Ah, let’s see here,” she said while scanning down the page, “June second at ten o’clock...Princesses Celestia and Luna!” she finished with a smile. “I’ll just call her right down to greet you herself!” She then pressed a button attached to a box and spoke into the box, “Red Umbra, your ten o’clock is here.” She then lifted her hoof off of the button and stared expectantly at it.

Celestia and Luna stared at the box, while Obsidian sighed. Spring Step looked at the box, then pressed the button again. “Red Umbra, your ten o’clock is here.” She then lifted her hoof off of the button again. Spring Step looked up apologetically at the two royals. “I’m sorry, she’s usually in her office by now.”

Celestia smiled and nodded. “That’s fine, Spring Step, we’ll just wait here.”

Luna looked up at her sister. “We will?”

Obsidian Shield looked up as well. “We will?”

Celestia smiled warmly. “Don’t worry, everypony. We scheduled this a month in advance. If Red Umbra is late, I’m sure there’s a very good reason. You don’t get to be CEO of a corporation based on a foundation of irresponsibility.”

“That’s right!” Spring Step called out before being shut up by a glare from Luna.

Celestia giggled. “Well, then, why don’t we all have a seat?” Luna and Obsidian Shield nodded and sat down at the table and all picked up magazines. Celestia picked up a copy of Ponies and started leafing through. Luna grasped a copy of Manehattanite and perused the articles inside. Obsidian grasped a golfing magazine and read it boredly.

Two hours had passed and Celestia was seated patiently, Luna was passed out on the ground with the magazine tented over her muzzle, and Obsidian Shield had learned quite a bit on how to improve his short game. Celestia and Obsidian Shield faced the hallway when they heard the hurried clacking of hooves coming down it to reveal a crimson pegasus with a black mane and tail. She smiled and bowed to Celestia, who smiled and nodded in return. Celestia nudged Luna with her magic, who snapped awake, the magazine slipping to the floor as she shot up.

“Wha?” Luna said. She then locked her gaze with Red Umbra, her eyes narrowing. “You dare to disrespect royalty?”

Red Umbra lifted from her bow and shook her head. “I would never intentionally deign to disrespect royalty. You must imagine me a rogue of the highest caliber,” she apologized while blushing.

Luna’s eyebrows lifted in surprise at the familiar word she had just used as she stood up. “Yes, I must admit you seem to have played the rapscallion.”

Celestia smiled as she stood up, Obsidian Shield standing up as well. Celestia smiled at Red Umbra. “Hello, Red Umbra,” she said, “it’s nice to finally meet you.”

Red Umbra bowed again, then lifted herself. “Nonsense, your serene highness, the pleasure is all mine.”

“Why were you late?” Luna shout out. Celestia glared at Luna.

“Luna, don’t be rude!” Celestia admonished her sister, whose gaze remained steadfast on Red Umbra.

Red Umbra chuckled. “I understand your concern, Luna. But I assure you that that I have a perfectly reasonable explanation for my tardiness.”

Luna kept staring at Red Umbra. “And what reason would that be?”

Red Umbra winced. “I suffered a bout of vertigo this morning from eating some bad catfish.”

Celestia chuckled. “I understand. Catfish tends to repeat on me.”

Luna’s gaze finally softened. “Fine. I accept your reason.”

Celestia smiled. “Now that we have all that unpleasantness out of the way, I believe you were going to give us a tour of your operation?”

Red Umbra nodded. “Of course. Right this way,” she said as she trotted towards the elevator, Celestia, Luna, and Obsidian following. When they reached it, Red Umbra opened it with a flick of her wing, motioning the unicorn and two alicorns inside, whereupon she entered and closed the door. She then pushed the lever inside to the left, which caused the elevator to jerk and slowly descend.

Red Umbra turned to face the alicorns with a smile. “You’ve never seen anything like this, Princesses,” she said, “I guarantee this’ll knock you dead.”

Celestia smiled and nodded. “We’ll take your word for it.”

Luna nodded as well. “Indeed.”

Obsidian Shield, however, groaned and rolled his eyes..

A Moment of Violence

The whirring of the gears in the elevator punctuated the awkward silence between the four ponies as they descended into the depths of Canterlot. Celestia finally broke the silence.

“So, I’ve noticed there’s heavy chaos shielding around the facility,” Celestia said.

Luna nodded. “Indeed. Are you expecting an attack from Discord?”

Red Umbra tittered. “No, nothing like that. The chaos shielding helps prevent uncontrolled reactions, not to mention save a bundle on maintenance costs.”

Celestia put on a warm grin. “So, Red Umbra, tell us about yourself.”

Red Umbra blushed. “Oh, you don’t really want to hear about that.”

Celestia shook her head, still smiling. “Nonsense. I like to hear all of my subjects’ stories.”

Red Umbra let out a long sigh. “Alright, if you insist. But my story isn’t anything special,” she said. “I was born and raised on the streets of Canterlot, earning bits as a newsfilly in order to survive, studying whatever books I could find in dumpsters. I spent some of my earnings when I was old enough to earn a General Education Degree and applied for a needs-based scholarship to Canterlot Community. Upon completion, I transferred to Canterlot University where I majored in Business. From there, I earned a fellowship at the University of Cantermount.”

Celestia nodded. “Quite impressive.”

Red Umbra nodded. “Thank you. After that, I applied for a loan to start Transpicuous Pharmaceuticals, and the rest, as they say, is history.”

Luna stared at Red Umbra. “Yes, very impressive indeed...considering you expired three minutes after you were born.”

Red Umbra’s eyes widened. “Um...well...there’s a very good explanation for that.”

Luna’s eyes slitted. “I’m listening.”

Red Umbra looked around. “Well...I was pronounced dead so that I could be switched out and replaced by who was believed to be the next messiah. I was killed in a way that looked natural, but a freak bolt of lightning revived me while I was waiting in the disposal unit that was to be picked up by waste collections. A hobo picked me up, and I’ve lived on the streets ever since.”

Celestia and Luna both stared at Red Umbra, both unsure of what to say. Luna’s cheeks bulged as she collapsed to the floor in laughter.

“You…” Luna worked out between chuckles, “...you can’t actually expect us to buy that!?” she said, only stopping when she looked up to see Celestia staring at her with an appalled look on her face.

“Luna,” Celestia said, “how DARE you belittle one of our subjects in such a disrespectful manner!” Celestia then turned to look at Red Umbra. “I’m sorry about my sister, she just came back from the moon two years ago. She’s not the most socially adept.”

Red Umbra nodded. “I understand completely. I don’t really expect many ponies to buy what I’m selling...but I’m glad you understand proper decorum, your serene highness.”

Celestia snickered. “Call me Celestia.”

Red Umbra smiled. “All right, Celestia.” The elevator came to a stop. Red Umbra flicked the door open and led the two Princesses out, Obsidian Shield trailing. The Princesses stared in awe at what they saw.

Unicorns, by the hundreds, bottling controlled chemical reactions in their magic and placing them in containers, where they were shipped down to the next unicorn in a massive assembly line, where the next chemical reaction took place. At the end of the line were more unicorns pressing thousands of pills together with filler materials and putting them in bottles, where they were then sealed in cardboard boxes. Red Umbra turned her head back to the Princesses. “You like?”

Both Princesses nodded in agreement.

“It’s...quite impressive,” Celestia said, “I have just one question…”

“Yes?” Red Umbra asked.

“How do you get them to move so quickly?”

Red Umbra turned her head back forward and chuckled. “Oh, that’s simple. I have them all taking Desoxyn.”

Luna raised an eyebrow. “...is that safe?”

“What do you mean?” Red Umbra asked as she led the group down the line.

“Aren’t you worried about them getting addicted?”

Red Umbra laughed. “Addicted? As long as they’re doing their jobs, I couldn’t really give a damn. Why,” Red Umbra continued, “they could be smoking opium in the bathrooms for all I care. As long as they do their work on time.”

Celestia and Luna’s eyes popped open in shock at that statement.

“Red Umbra,” Celestia said, “that’s...a very liberal stance to take on the matter.”

Red Umbra snickered. “As long as they’re happy, I’m happy.”

Luna nodded. “...understood.” They continued to follow Red Umbra, watching the assembly line do its work. “Have you ever seen that?”

“Seen what?”

“...them smoke opium in the bathroom.”

Red Umbra turned her head back. “Have you ever caught one of your Thestral Guard doing that?”

Luna’s face flushed. “Point taken.”

“And don’t your Royal Guard take Desoxyn?”

Celestia nodded. “That is only to improve efficiency in their maneuvers.”

Red Umbra turned her head forward. “And this is only to improve efficiency in my bottom line, as is yours.”

Celestia shook her head. “My bottom line is for the good of Equestria. Your bottom line is for the good of your bank account.”

Red Umbra snorted. “Excuse me for putting food on the table. Not all of us were born into Royalty, your serene highness.”

Celestia flinched. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“No offense taken, Celestia.” The group then approached a door with an arch over it. “For the next part of our tour, you’ll have to pass through this anti-magic field, as we’re working on some very important biochemistry in here and I’m not sure how your alicorn magic will interfere with our experiments.”

Celestia and Luna both raised an eyebrow. “But don’t you have chaos shielding around this entire facility?” Luna asked.

Red Umbra smiled. “It never hurts to be careful.”

Celestia and Luna stared at each other, then back at Red Umbra. “Will Obsidian Shield be able to bypass the anti-magic field?” Celestia asked. “He’ll be our only line of defense without our alicorn magic.”

Red Umbra nodded. “As you wish.”

Luna was the first to pass through. She winced as she felt her magic being blocked off from her. Celestia was next. She passed through and gave no indication of any discomfort. Red Umbra grinned.

“Well, then, time to begin the next leg of our tour,” she said as she opened the door with a wing and led the group inside.

Inside were pegasi wearing safety goggles and working over tables, tools grasped in their wingtips.

“In here is our biochem lab,” Red Umbra said as she led the group through, “where we’re currently developing vaccinations for various diseases.”

“Like what?” Luna asked.

Red Umbra shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s way below my paygrade until they actually come up with something promising.”

“And have they?” Celestia asked.

“Not yet,” Red Umbra said. The two alicorns nodded in unison as they passed through the biochem lab into a white room with no windows. They all entered the room, Obsidian Shield sealing the door behind them. Celestia and Luna’s heads turned back in shock.

“What are you doing, Obsidian Shield?” Celestia asked.

A wicked smile curved on Red Umbra’s face. “This is the part of the tour where I perform my greatest experiment.”

“Which is what, exactly?” Luna asked.

“How much ketamine is required to incapacitate an alicorn.”

Celestia and Luna’s eyes both constricted. Luna bent low and pawed at the floor.

“Is that a threat?” Luna asked.

Celestia tittered as she turned her head to Luna. “No, it must have been a joke.” She then turned to face Red Umbra. “It’s a joke, right? You and Obsidian Shield must have planned this out ahead of time.”

Red Umbra giggled malevolently. “Oh, I find this most amusing, to be sure,” she said as she trotted slowly towards the two Princesses, “and Obsidian Shield and I certainly planned this out in advance.” She then raised herself up onto her hind hooves and whispered into Celestia’s ear, “but I assure you that this is no joke.” Red Umbra then dropped her forehooves down to the ground, trotted away, and looked behind her. “And to think this is twice that I’ve bested you.”

Luna turned to face Celestia. “Who bested you before?”

Celestia dropped her head low and pawed at the floor. “Queen Chrysalis.” Luna was about to say something but was cut off as Celestia took off like a rocket and pinned Red Umbra to the wall by her stomach. Red Umbra hacked out a gob of white blood while laughing maniacally.

Celestia looked down at Red Umbra, her eyes slitted in rage. “Did you forget about my earth pony strength, foul monster?” Red Umbra paid no heed as she kept laughing. “What do you find so humorous?”

Red Umbra looked at Celestia, still giggling. “I’ve got you right where I want you.” Red Umbra then bent her head forward and strained as a long, red, jagged horn jutted out and pierced Celestia’s barrel. Celestia’s eyes shot open as she tried to speak, but no words came out. Red Umbra chuckled as they both fell to the floor, Red Umbra on her hooves and Celestia hanging off of Red Umbra’s new horn. “Funny thing about an alicorn’s horn,” she said as she slowly slid Celestia’s gasping body off of her horn, “it’s the only known substance that can penetrate an alicorn. And,” she continued as she placed Celestia’s body on the floor, Celestia still trying in vain to catch her breath, “the substance it’s made out of is also called alicorn.” Red Umbra then chuckled as she turned to Luna, who was standing in complete shock at the scene that had transpired before her. “Kind of ironic, don’t you think? An alicorn being taken down by alicorn?” Red Umbra then looked up and tapped her chin. “Or is it? I can never tell, nowadays…”

Luna dropped her head low and snorted. “Enough of your verbal jests, Chrysalis! This is the end of the line for you! Obsidian Shield, arrest that...thing, for attempted regicide!” Luna stared down Red Umbra, Red Umbra staring back with a cruel grin, but she was not restrained. Luna glared back at Obsidian Shield, who stayed still. “Arrest her for regicide!”

Red Umbra chuckled as she trotted menacingly towards Luna, who stayed her ground. “I’m afraid you’re outnumbered, Princess of the Night. You see, he’s being paid quite handsomely on my payroll,” Red Umbra said as she came face to face with Luna. “And besides, you got the charges wrong.”

Luna barked out a laugh. “Fine, then. What should I charge you with?”

Red Umbra put a hoof on Luna’s face, Luna remaining still. “Attempted Deicide.”

Luna laughed in Red Umbra’s face. “And what makes you think us divinity?”

Red Umbra chortled. “Oh, nothing. It’ll just look better on my résumé.”

Luna’s eyes slitted. “Patting yourself on the back, eh? Well, you may have tricked my sister, but you will find I am not so easy to fool!” Luna then disappeared from sight.

Obsidian Shield looked around confusedly. “Where did she go?”

Red Umbra’s eyes traced around the room. “She’s still in here.”

“But how?”

“She’s just moving very quickly,” Red Umbra said. “She’s building up speed.”

Obsidian Shield raised an eyebrow. “For what?”

Red Umbra faced Obsidian Shield. “Could you be a dear and stand in front of the door?” Obsidian Shield nodded and stood in front of the door, for he knew who was writing the paycheque at the end of the day. Red Umbra went back to tracing her eyes across the room.

An hour had passed, and Obsidian Shield was slumped against the door, Red Umbra still tracing her eyes around the room.

Red Umbra sighed. “Damnit, it’s not working.” Red Umbra then chuckled. “So it appears you ARE the smarter one…”

Obsidian Shield looked up. “What were you waiting for?”

“I was waiting for her to slam into you so that I’d have a window of opportunity with which to grasp her in my magic.”

Obsidian Shield’s eyes widened. “Wait, you were going to—”

“But it looks like I’ll have to create that reaction myself,” she said as she grasped Obsidian Shield in her magic. “Alley-oop!” she shouted as she threw Obsidian Shield into the air. Luna reappeared as she slammed full-force into him, sailing through the air until she was stopped short by Red Umbra’s green glow. Red Umbra grinned. “That’s better,” she said as she trotted towards Luna’s suspended form, “you know, that kind of short stop would have liquified a regular pony’s organs...but you’re not a normal pony, are you?”

“Shut your mouth,” Luna said.

Red Umbra dragged Luna so that she was face-to-face with her. “In fact, you’re so extraordinary, I bet you’ve turned down all your suitors—”

“—watch your mouth.”

Red Umbra’s eyes widened as a smile curved across her face. “What’s that? Did I hit a nerve?” Red Umbra turned away from Luna and tapped her chin. “Hmmm…maybe a love lost, either through death or a terrible break-up,” she mused. Red Umbra’s eyes flashed as she spun towards Luna and said, “or maybe you’re too afraid of love to have even ever experienced it!”

Luna gulped and looked away.

Red Umbra chortled. “Yes, that’s it. You’ve probably got a special somepony in your head that you don’t have the guts to approach! Who is it?” Luna kept mum. Red Umbra raised an eyebrow. “Why keep silent on the subject? It’s not like anypony will know…”

Luna closed her eyes.

Red Umbra glared at Luna, then slammed her against the ceiling. “Tell me!” Red Umbra slammed her against the floor. “Tell me!” She then slammed her against all four walls. “Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! TELL ME!” Red Umbra pulled Luna’s face to her own. “TELL ME NOW!”

Luna stole a glance towards Celestia’s limp form that was passed out, presumably from the shock. Red Umbra glanced in the direction Luna was glancing, then looked back into Luna’s eyes. Red Umbra’s eyes then widened unnaturally large as it hit her.

“You’re...in love...with your SISTER!?” Red Umbra sputtered out a guffaw as she fell onto her back, laughing all the while. “Oh my God!” she manage to work out between her laughter, “you sick FREAK!” Red Umbra rolled around on the floor, still laughing. Luna’s cheeks turned a shade of ruby. Red Umbra finally lifted herself off of the ground and wiped a tear from her eye. “Well, I can’t say I saw that one coming...you really are full of surprises, aren’t you?”

Luna glared at Red Umbra. Red Umbra then daintily trotted over to Celestia’s unconscious body and gazed at her. A green flash then overtook her. It faded away to reveal a form that was as tall as Celestia, covered with dark grey chitin with a flowing teal mane and tail spotted with holes, as her hocks were as well. On her back was a panel that faded from teal to lime green and insectine wings that also had holes in them. Her head had a four-pointed crown-like structure on top of it, the tips adorned with seafoam green spheres. She looked behind her to reveal eyes with green irises as her mouth curved into a vicious, fang-decorated grin.

Luna glared in horror at the foul beast before her. “W-what are you!?”

Chrysalis curtsied. “Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings.” Chrysalis then leaned over Celestia’s unconscious form and sniffed her. “And your sister smells delightful.” She then licked Celestia’s neck. “Tastes delightful as well.”

“GET OFF OF HER, FOUL BEAST!”

Chrysalis chuckled. “And what position are you in to make such demands?” she said as she rose from Celestia’s body and turned to face Luna. “Or are you just...jealous?” Luna shot a glare at Chrysalis that would have melted a volcano. Chrysalis smiled malevolently. “That’s it, isn’t it? You’re just jealous that I got to smell her glorious scent—”

“—SHUT UP—”

“—and got to taste her sweet, supple flesh—”

“—QUIET—”

“—before you did, aren’t you?” Chrysalis then turned back to Celestia, fixing her gaze on the hole in her barrel. She leaned in and reached her hoof inside, Luna staring in horror as she heard the squirming of organs as Chrysalis stuck out her tongue, rummaging inside before she smiled in excitement. “Oh, look at that! I just touched her heart in a way that you never will!” Chrysalis laughed devilishly as she removed her foreleg from Celestia’s barrel, looking back to see tears forming in Luna’s eyes.

Luna trembled. “What kind of demon are you?”

Chrysalis giggled as she stood up. “The wealthy kind. The best kind.”

Tears were now pouring down Luna’s face. “You-you MISCREANT! You COWARD! You VILLAIN!”

Chrysalis put a hoof to her barrel and blushed a shade of cream. “Oh, how you flatter me so.” Chrysalis then trotted towards Luna and put a hoof to her cheek. “Tell me, Luna. How would you like to experience love?”

Luna stared at Chrysalis with tears in her eyes. “If I could spit on you, I would. I don’t want any of your stolen love.”

Chrysalis snickered. “I’ll just give you a taste and see if you change your tune…” Chrysalis’s horn shined brighter as Luna’s pupils dilated and her cheeks flushed. “So...how does it feel? The blood rushing through your veins? Your heart going all a-flutter? The knot in your stomach? The...sweat forming on your skin?” Chrysalis then turned Luna’s head to face her own. “Do you want...more?”

Luna shut her eyes. “...more.”

Chrysalis turned her ear to face Luna’s mouth. “What was that? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of your heart pumping.”

Luna’s eyelids shot open, revealing dilated pupils and bloodshot corneas; tears were flowing freely out of them. “MORE! I WANT MORE!” she shouted in Chrysalis’s face as bits of saliva escaped from her mouth and spattered on the Changeling Queen’s muzzle.

Chrysalis chuckled as she backed away. “Alright, but it’s your funeral…” she said as her horn glowed more brightly. Luna’s eyes seized and rolled back into her head as her eyelids fluttered spasmodically.

“You see, I attended a party last night,” Chrysalis explained, “and I appeared to have absorbed a veritable glut of love that I had nowhere to offload.” Chrysalis let Luna’s head out of the magic grasp, whereupon it flailed violently. “But then I remembered I had an appointment with two alicorns, and the pieces just clicked together.” Chrysalis’s horn glowed more vibrantly, causing Luna’s head to flail more violently in response. “So how does it feel, Princess Luna? All the love you never got before you transformed into Nightmare Moon being force fed into you all at once!?” Chrysalis shouted, “How does the love of ten thousand ponies feel coursing through your veins!? your muscles!? touching your very being!?” Chrysalis roared as she threw her head back and cackled maniacally at the end of her tirade. When she was done frying Luna with stolen love, she released her hold on Luna. Luna dropped to the floor, unconscious from the assault Chrysalis had just subjected her to.

Chrysalis smirked at the unconscious form of Luna on the ground. “The taste of the feel seals the deal. Unfiltered love can have a shocking effect on ponies,” she said with a giggle. She inhaled, then exhaled as a green flash overtook her, subsiding to reveal Red Umbra sans horn. She turned to see Obsidian Shield crumpled against the far wall, unconscious. She sighed, trotted over to him and turn him onto his back. “Obsidian Shield?” No answer. “Obsidian?” Still no answer. She rolled her eyes and smacked him across the face. “SOMBRA!”

Obsidian Shield twitched and shot up. “Wha?”

Red Umbra groaned. “You passed out.”

Obsidian Shield rolled his eyes as he stood up. “Let’s see how conscious you remain after being thrown into the path of an alicorn approaching three percent of the speed of light.”

Red Umbra snickered. “I think it was more like one percent.”

Obsidian Shield grunted. “Whatever. It was still a foul thing to do.”

Red Umbra shook her head. “You forget that I created your body out of clay and therefore know the exact amount of joules the unit can sustain. You weren’t in any danger.”

Obsidian Shield facehooved. “How many times will you remind me that I’m inhabiting a golem?”

Red Umbra turned away. “As many times as it takes to remind you who wears the pants around here.”

Obsidian Shield raised an eyebrow. “But neither of us wear pants.”

Red Umbra sighed. “It’s just an expression.”

Obsidian Shield peered at Red Umbra. “In fact, I can’t recall ever seeing a pony wearing pants before…”

Red Umbra spun to face Obsidian Shield, breathing heavily. “IT’S JUST AN EXPRESSION!”

Obsidian Shield recoiled slightly. “Tou-chy…”

Red Umbra chortled and sighed. “Sorry. I do tend to get worked up after glorious battle.”

Obsidian Shield nodded and grinned. “I understand completely. Why, back in my day—aren’t you going to kill them?” he asked as he saw Red Umbra trotting towards the door.

“Have you ever tried to kill an alicorn before?” she asked as she approached the door.

Obsidian Shield mused on that for a second, then trotted towards the door. “Good point. So what do we do with them?”

Red Umbra shook her head. “Just leave them here. With the amount of damage I’ve done to them, it should take them a couple weeks to regenerate into consciousness.”

“So,” Obsidian Shield asked as he opened the door to the room, “phase two complete?”

Red Umbra grinned as she exited the room. “Yes, and six months ahead of schedule, too, thanks to Twilight Sparkle and her rave,” she said as Obsidian Shield exited the room and sealed the door shut behind them, leaving the comatose alicorns to lie there.

Twilight Sparkle was sitting in her laboratory examining something under a microscope with Vinyl sitting alongside her. Twilight smiled as she pulled her head away from the microscope.

“Here, Vinyl, check it out!” Vinyl shrugged as she lifted her sunglasses off with her magic and peered into the microscope. “What you see here is pure methamphetamine extracted from a Desoxyn pill.”

“Huh. Cool,” Vinyl said, “this’d look sweet for my next album cover. By the way,” Vinyl asked as she played with the zoom knob with her magic, “how did you get your hooves on Desoxyn, anyway?”

Twilight kept her grin going strong. “It was the strangest thing! I remember Fluttershy telling me that they were prescribing it for weight loss, so I went to Doctor Stable and told him that I was thinking of losing a few pounds. He ended up writing a prescription on the spot.”

Vinyl grinned. “So the doctor thinks you’re fat.” Twilight’s grin quickly morphed into a grimace. She opened her mouth to speak, but was shut up by a wave of Vinyl’s hoof. “I’m just yanking your chain. He probably prescribed it to you because you’re an alicorn princess.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “But...that would suggest that the Doctor is somehow corrupt…”

Vinyl giggled. “If it helps, just think of it as a benefit of being royalty.” Vinyl and Twilight stood there, Twilight in awkward silence and Vinyl excitedly staring into the microscope.After a few minutes, Vinyl lifted her head from the microscope and slipped her glasses back on. “Hey, Twi, I think I’ve found something weird. Check it out.”

Twilight nodded, stood in front of the microscope, and lowered her head to it. She peered inside, raising her eyebrow at what she saw. “This can’t be right…” she said. Loud knocking jarred her from her trance as she shot up. “Rainbow Dash! What is it!?”

“Twi, you gotta come outside!”

Twilight facehooved. “I’m kind of in the middle of something…”

“But you gotta see this! It’s totes important—”

“—totes is not a word, Rainbow Dash.”

“Whatever, it’s super important!”

Twilight looked at Vinyl, who shrugged. Twilight groaned. “I’ll be up in a second!” she shouted as she grasped a nearby cup of coffee, took a sip, and trotted upstairs, Vinyl in tow. She reached to top of the stairs and opened to door to an irritated Rainbow Dash tapping her hoof impatiently.

“Took you long enough!”

Twilight calmly sipped on her coffee. “What is it?”

Rainbow Dash glared at Twilight. “Just look outside.”

Twilight sighed and trotted to the front door, Vinyl trailing. She opened the door and dropped her coffee cup on the ground when she saw what was going on, Vinyl staring at the sky in awe. The sky was half-day, half-night, the sun and moon both in plain sight.

“Cooool!” Vinyl said, “it looks like a metal album cover!”

Twilight, however, could not hear her over the sound of her own innards boiling in rage. A thought formed in her brain and interacted with her vocal cords, which then interacted with her lungs and mouth.

“DIIIIIIIIIIIISCOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRD!”

Too Far?

Twilight shivered in absolute rage, completely unaware of the scores of ponies that she had just temporarily deafened due to what was the first known instance of the Royal Ponyville Voice in recorded Equestrian History. Vinyl, however, due to the workplace hazards she subjected herself to, was physically unaffected. She did, however, stare at Twilight with her jaw dropped.

“Awesome!” Vinyl said, “can you do that again?”

“Not...sure…” Twilight rasped out.

“Hmmm,” Vinyl said as she stared back at the sky, “threw out your vocal cords. You gotta train that shit if you wanna keep screaming like that.”

“...noted,” Twilight replied, still shaking in torrential fury.

Vinyl winced and hit her barrel. “I think that scream was so awesome, it gave me heartburn…” she said. She breathed heavily and kept hitting her barrel. “I think it’s getting worse…”

She then let out an unearthly scream as her chest expanded and ripped open, splashing blood on Twilight as a very familiar draconequus popped out with his arms raised above his head. “Ta-daaaaa!”

Twilight’s gaze fixed upon Discord as she leapt towards his neck and gripped it tightly with her hooves. “I’ll kill you!” she rasped out.

Discord chuckled as he stepped out of Vinyl’s barrel and plucked Twilight off of him and kept her at arm’s length, her limbs flailing and wings flapping in vain as she tried to get her hooves back on her supposed victim. He lowered his face to meet Twilight eye-to-eye. “And why would you want to do that, Prin-cess Twi-light?”

Twilight spat in Discord’s face, which caused him to grimace. Twilight was seething in rage at this point. “Because you’re behind this! I just know it!”

Discord raised an eyebrow. “And what makes you think that I had anything to do with this turn of events?”

Twilight glared at Discord with the fury of a thousand suns glowing in her eyes. “Because it was you last time the sky fouled up! Where are the Princesses!?”

Discord raised his head and stared unconcernedly at the sky. “Hmmm...you do have a point,” he said while tapping him bottom lip with a talon, “this does seem like something I would do. But,” he said as he lowered his head back to Twilight’s, “you have to remember something.”

“What?” Twilight rasped out.

Discord giggled. “I never perform the same trick twice!”

Vinyl, whose barrel had fully reformed at this point, sat up on her haunches. “You know, he’s got a point.”

Twilight glared at Vinyl. “Not helping,” she rasped out.

Discord smiled. “Why don’t we talk about this over some tea? You sound like you could use it,” he said as he snapped his talon, summoning a table with three chairs. Discord snapped his talon a second time, summoning three cups and a freshly brewed pot of tea. “Now, why don’t you handle this like the acting Regent of Equestria you are as opposed playing the madmare?”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Fine. Just let me go,” she rasped.

Discord nodded and dropped Twilight into a chair, him taking the opposite seat. Vinyl stood up and trotted over, taking the seat between them. Discord smiled and waved his talon around, pouring the three of them a cup. Rainbow Dash trotted outside at this point, rubbing her ears. “Jeez, Twi, tone it down a bit—” she started before she set her eyes on Discord, her eyes slitting in response. Discord turned his head to gaze on Rainbow Dash, a smile plastered on his face.

“Hello, my little Dashie! Would you like to join us for tea?”

Rainbow Dash kept glaring as Discord. “Never call me that again.”

Disord covered his mouth with a paw. “Oh, my, have I offended you somehow?”

Rainbow Dash shook her head. “No, that was just really creepy. Anyway, if you’re here, I’m out,” Rainbow Dash said as she took to the skies.

Discord shook his head. “I swear, that mare has no manners. I was just about to invite her to have tea with us.”

Twilight stared at the cup of tea.

“It’s chamomile,” Discord said with a wink, “very good for sore throats, from what I understand of pony physiology.” Twilight crossed her forelegs and stared at Discord as he levitated his cup to his lips and took a sip, then set the cup back down on the saucer. Discord raised an eyebrow. “You know, it’s rather rude to turn down hospitality from a friend.” Twilight kept glaring as Discord. Discord shrugged. “Hmm. Suit yourself.” Discord turned to Vinyl, who had the cup grasped in her magic and was sipping on it happily. “How do you like the tea, Miss Scratch?”

Vinyl set the cup down. “It’s great! Thank you!”

Discord hummed approvingly. “And what did you think of my entrance?”

Vinyl touched a hoof to her chin. “Hmmm...chestbursting is pretty cool, but what would’ve been radder is if you popped out of my brain!”

Discord tapped his chin with a talon while looking at Vinyl. “Yes, that would be interesting. But I was worried if your brain would return to normal after being ripped to shreds. You know, it’s a very delicate organ.”

Vinyl looked down. “Well...I’ve regenerated perfectly after every other injury, so I don’t see why my brain would be any different.”

Discord snickered. “I suppose so. I’ll have to remember that next time I want to make an entrance.” Discord then turned to Twilight, who had given in and was now sipping on her tea. Discord grinned. “Now that’s a good acting Regent!”

“Shut up, Discord,” Twilight rasped out as she continued sipping on her tea.

Discord raised an eyebrow as he levitated his teacup up to his lips and took a sip. “I thought we were going to have a chat…”

Twilight sipped on her tea. “Yes,” she rasped out, her voice getting clearer, “what did you do with the Princesses?”

Discord chuckled and set his cup back on the saucer. “Now, now, Twilight,” he said with a smirk, “what makes you think I’ve done something to harm our rulers?” Twilight glared at Discord and sipped again. Discord recoiled. “Alright, we may have had some history, but all that’s in the past.” Discord then leaned his head in to face Twilight. “What do you say as a show of good faith I summon them to you here, right now?”

Twilight nodded and sipped again. “That would be good,” she lightly rasped.

Discord grinned at Twilight. “Well, alright then,” he said as he snapped his talons. Twilight and Vinyl were now staring at Discord, who was staring at his talons in bemusement. “What the hell...” He snapped his talons again. He turned his head and looked sheepishly at Twilight. “I’m sorry, this hasn’t happened to me before…” he said while tittering. He turned to face his talons and started snapping in rapid succession, each talon snap proving as futile as the last. Discord’s mouth curved into a sneer as he glared as his snapping talons, which were picking up speed. “Work, god damn you!”

Vinyl turned to face Twilight. “What’s a god?”

Twilight shrugged and sipped on her tea. “I have no idea.” Twilight glared as Discord. “Now, will you stop messing around and summon them so that we can put this to rest?”

Discord glared at Twilight, his fingers snapping ever faster. “I’m not messing around, something seems to be blocking my magic!” Discord’s talons set aflame at this point, causing him to gasp and try to pat it out on the nearest object: Vinyl Scratch. Vinyl screamed in pain as she was set ablaze and fell off of her chair, rolling around in agony. Discord’s talon, however, was now free of flame as he put on a smile and faced Twilight. “Anything else I can help you with?”

Twilight facehooved. “And why exactly is you magic blocked?”

Discord sighed. “It appears that they have some sort of chaos shielding up,” he explained. He then smirked. “Heh.”

Twilight sipped on her tea. “What’s so funny?”

Discord leaned in to face Twilight as the sound of Vinyl’s screams filled the sky as ponies hid their foals’ eyes from Vinyl’s burning body and lead them away. “This appears to be another test, Princess.”

Twilight choked on her tea and spit it back into her cup. “What?” she asked, staring at Discord with a worried look on her face.

Discord snickered as he leaned back and levitated his cup up to his lips, taking a sip. “Yes, Twilight, a test. I know how much you love those, isn’t that right?”

Twilight gulped. “W-what kind of test?”

Discord chuckled as he took another sip of tea. “To see if you can run Equestria in the Princesses’ absence, of course!”

Rarity trotted up to the table at this point. “What’s with all the yelling?” she asked. She then looked at Vinyl’s immolating form. “Is Vinyl on fire?”

“Yes,” both Twilight and Discord said as they sipped on their tea.

Vinyl inhaled sharply due to all the screaming she was doing. “OH CELESTIA, I GOT IT IN MY LUNGS!”

Discord calmly sipped on his tea. “Well, that’s what you get for inhaling while on fire.”

Rarity sighed. “And why exactly is Vinyl on fire?”

Discord snickered. “I thought we could use a little mood lighting.”

Twilight snorted. “Discord here lit his talon on fire failing to summon the Princesses.”

Rarity raised an eyebrow. “Well, could you put her out? She’s going to set the whole town ablaze, rolling around like that...”

Discord sighed and snapped his talons, summoning a bucket of water above Vinyl to douse her flames. She sat up, shook her head, and limped over to her chair, where she gingerly took her seat as the burns healed before their very eyes. Vinyl turned her head towards Discord as she sipped on her tea. “Dick move, dude.”

Discord smiled. “What? Can’t a draconequus have a little fun with his immortal friend?” Vinyl kept silent as she sipped on her tea. Discord shrugged and sipped on his tea.

“And what’s all this about him failing to summon the Princesses?” Rarity asked, glaring at Discord. “And why are the three of you having a tea party during a crisis?”

Discord snapped his talons, causing a chair to slide under Rarity and ferry her to the table, where a cup of tea was waiting for her. “Well,” Discord said, “I was simply trying to explain why I wouldn’t have been the one to cause this little incident.”

Rarity stared at the teacup. “A likely story.”

Twilight sipped on her tea. “Well, as acting Regent of Equestria, I kindly request that you fix the celestial bodies, Discord.”

Discord grinned from ear to ear. “Now that’s something I can do!” he said excitedly as he snapped his talons, causing the moon to drop under the horizon.

Twilight smiled. “Thank you, Discord,” she said as she sipped on her tea, “now you’ll just have to do that until the Princesses return.”

Discord spewed out an unusually large amount of tea all over Twilight, who blinked in response. “You mean like...on a schedule?” he asked as he tittered.

Twilight frowned. “Yes. On a schedule.”

Rarity sipped on her tea. “Will that be a problem?”

Discord looked around uneasily. “Well, the thing is, you see...is that I don’t exactly know the celestial schedule, to be honest.”

Twilight facehooved. “Great.”

Vinyl calmly sipped on her tea. “Maybe the Princesses have a schedule somewhere?”

Rarity raised an eyebrow. “What makes you think that?”

Vinyl set her teacup down on the saucer. “Well, if this is a test, like Discord said, I don’t think they’d leave Twilight up shit creek without a paddle.”

Rarity wrinkled her nose as she sipped on her tea. “A vulgar, yet valid point. I mean, I have the next nine seasons of fashion in my shop, but I still keep notes on when to release them.”

Twilight rubbed her chin thoughtfully. “Good point, girls. We should probably head to the castle to find it,” she said as she sipped on her tea. The three girls and Discord kept sipping on their tea for a few minutes, enjoying the sunlight dancing on their bodies. “Discord, that’s your cue.”

Discord looked at Twilight. “What?”

Twilight shook her head. “To take us to the castle.”

Discord raised an eyebrow. “And why should I take you to the castle? You can just fly there.”

Twilight rested her forehead in a hoof. “I can, but they can’t,” she said while motioning a hoof towards Rarity and Vinyl, “I’ll need all the help I can get finding whatever it is I’m looking for.”

Discord grinned. “Right, why didn’t you just say so?” he said as he snapped his talon, teleporting them out of Ponyville, leaving Twilight alone with the table.

Twilight facehooved. “Discord, I hate you so much right now,” she said as she set her teacup down, stood up, extended her powerful wings, and took off. At this point she blinked out, leaving the table alone and unattended to.

Twilight blinked back into existence careening straight into the ceiling of the throne room of Canterlot Castle, which her head made violent contact with and awkwardly spun to the floor, hitting it with a muffled thud. She sat up on her haunches and rubbed her head, hearing laughter emanating from behind her, spinning her head to see Discord and Vinyl stifling giggles as they quickly composed themselves, Rarity shaking her head in disgust. Twilight glared at Discord.

“What was that?” Twilight asked as she stood up.

Discord raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

Twilight slitted her eyes. “You know exactly what I mean.”

Discord put a talon to his lips as he thought hard for a moment. A flash of realization hit his face as he pulled the talon away. “Ah, you mean teleporting you when you were what appeared to be apparently mid-flight!” Discord chuckled. “How was I supposed to know that you’d try and fly to Canterlot yourself? It’s not I can read your mind or anything...”

Twilight facehooved and shook her head. “Just...whatever. We’re splitting up into groups.” Twilight looked at Vinyl. “Vinyl, you come with me to Celestia’s room.” Vinyl nodded. Twilight nodded in response, then turned to face Rarity. “Rarity, you go with Discord to Luna’s room.”

Rarity gulped. “Um, alright, then…” Rarity shot a glare at Discord as they walked down a corridor. “If you try anything funny, I swear…”

Discord giggled. “Me? Funny? Now why would you think I’d try anything of the sort? The fate of Equestria is at stake!”

Rarity scoffed. “Like you give a damn…” she said as their voices trailed off.

Twilight sighed and shook her head. She then turned her head to Vinyl. “Well, Vinyl, let’s go to Celestia’s room and find ourselves a schedule!”

Vinyl groaned. “Yay,” she said uninterestedly as she followed Twilight to Celestia’s quarters.When they reached it, Twilight opened the engraved purple door.

Twilight smiled when she saw the inside of the room. It was exactly as she remembered it. The dark purple bedroll with attached yellow pillow, the light wisteria carpet(same color as me!), the banner with the rising star, and the—

“DIBS!” Vinyl yelled as she galloped past Twilight and sailed into the bedroll, rolling around in it when she landed. “Ooooh, this is comfy!”

Twilight facehooved. “Vinyl, we’re here to look for some kind of Solar Schedule, not test out the furniture.”

Vinyl rolled to her stomach. “But why? It’s soooo soft!”

Twilight giggled as she trotted over to the gold stand placed next to the bedroll, smelling the flowers as she passed them. She faced the stand and grasped the papers on top of it with her magic, leafing through them. None of them appeared to be a schedule of any sort. Sighing, she placed them back on the stand and trotted towards the vanity, which she peered upon trepidatiously. Twilight slowly pulled out one of the drawers, hearing the wood slide against itself. She looked inside, where she spotted a calendar book. Smiling, she grasped it with her magic and opened it. Her smile grew from ear to ear when she saw the notation at the top of the page. Celestia, you magnificent mare! You—

“SHITSHITSHITSHIT!”

Twilight spun her head to see that Vinyl had rolled into the fireplace and was now burning. Thinking quickly, she magicked a gust of wind in Vinyl’s direction, putting the flames out. Twilight shook her head while giggling. “Vinyl, you really have to be more careful.”

Vinyl chuckled as she rubbed and shook her head, her mane and coat growing back. “Yeah, I guess my survival instinct kinda went out the window a couple of weeks ago. But my body grows back and Celestia’s stuff doesn’t.”

Twilight chuckled. “I guess so,” she said as she turned her head back to the calendar book. She flipped through the pages to see that, indeed, notations signifying the raising and setting times of the sun were in place at the top of each day. “Now to see where she went to today,” Twilight said as she flipped back to June second, seeing an appointment at the ten A.M. spot, at Transpicuous Pharmaceuticals. Twilight raised an eyebrow in confusion. What business did they have with a pharmaceutical company? Twilight inhaled, exhaled, and put the book back in the drawer. “Vinyl?”

“Yo!” Vinyl said as she dusted the char off of her coat.

“We’re going to regroup with the others in Luna’s room.”

“Okay!”

Twilight’s horn glowed as she teleported the two of them into Luna’s bedroom. Luna’s bedroom was positively ostentatious compared to Celestia’s, with an upraised circular bed with three pillows supported by a body pillow at the head, a silk canopy draping the whole thing. But what drew Twilight’s attention the most were the white unicorn with Sombra’s horn and the draconequus floating next to her reading a book with a crescent moon on the cover, mouths agape and eyes widened in what she presumed to be shock.

Twilight and Vinyl looked at each other, then back at the duo. Twilight smiled nervously. “Hey, guys, did you find a calendar book?”

Discord nodded mutely and snapped his talon, summoning a book in front of Twilight which she caught in her magic. Twilight flipped it open, noting with glee that it, too, was marked with moonrises and moonsets. Twilight snapped the book shut. “This is great! The both of you have done great work!”

“Uh huh,” Rarity and Discord both said while nodding, not letting their eyes leave the book, as Rarity flipped a page.

Vinyl looked at Twilight. “Hey, what do you think is in that book?”

“I don’t know,” Twilight said as she glared at the book, “but I intend to find out.” With that, she pulled the book away from the two, eliciting groans from the both of them as Discord lamely reached out a paw. She and Vinyl examined the pages that the other two were previously staring at. “Hmmm...they appear to be couplets in iambic pentameter.”

“Plus they rhyme,” Vinyl added helpfully.

Twilight glared at Vinyl, then back at the page. “As I was saying...the content, however...’my shining star placed so high in the sky, with you I will always forever lie’...this would appear to be…” Twilight said as her eyes widened in realization.

Rarity beamed. “A love poem!”

Twilight looked at Rarity. “Well, I gathered as much...but to whom?”

Discord facepawed. “Isn’t it obvious?” Discord then floated down to meet Twilight at eye level. “Who else is a ‘shining star’, hmmm?”

Twilight shook her head, chuckling. “You’re not suggesting that…” she said as she looked up to see Discord’s face screwed up in a grin. “You’re not...actually suggesting...that…”

“Luna got the hots for her sister?”

Twilight frowned at Discord. “Yes, that.”

Discord raised an eyebrow. “Why not?”

Twilight retched. “Because it’s gross!”

“But,” Rarity said, trotting towards Twilight, “Luna might not know that. After all, back in those times, it was not uncommon for relatives to marry each other.”

Twilight glared at Rarity. “But Celestia knows better than that!”

Rarity chuckled. “But that’s what makes this so romantically tragical!” she said as she raised a hoof to the ceiling, “a tale of unrequited, forbidden love between two sisters, one unknowing, one unsaid for fear of rejection! It truly makes my heart go all a-flutter!” she finished as she brought the hoof to her barrel.

Twilight blinked, then shook her head. “No, that’s insane! Luna would obviously know social mores by now—”

“—but the shame of it just drives her heart further into loving her knowing that it will never be returned!” Rarity said, mock-swooning when her sentence was finished, Discord catching her in a talon.

Discord wiped a tear away from his eye, the said “Isn’t it tragical?”

Twilight put the book down and facehooved. “First of all, how do you even know that word? It fell out of use five hundred years ago.”

“Discord taught me,” Rarity said, eyes still closed.

“And you,” Twilight flashed, pointing a hoof at Discord, “why are you planting these filthy thoughts into Rarity’s head?”

Discord looked at Twilight and stood up straight, letting Rarity flop on the floor. “What, me?”

Rarity sat up, rubbing the back of her head while wincing in pain. “Well, I never.”

Discord chuckled. “You must have the wrong idea, Princess. Rarity came up with the whole thing all by herself! I just helped out with the word.”

“Whatever…” Twilight said as she turned away, seeing Vinyl flip through the diary. “What are you doing?”

“I’m just reading through the princest.”

Twilight blinked. “Princest?”

Vinyl nodded. “Yes. Princess Incest. Princest.” Twilight retched again.

“Oooooh, good one, Vinyl!” Discord said.

Vinyl giggled. “Thank you!” Vinyl’s eyes lit up when she found a certain page. “Oh, shit! She actually wrote it all down!”

“Wrote what down?” Twilight asked.

“The stuff I did to her in the dream! Wanna read it?”

Twilight smiled. “Sure!” she said as she grasped the diary in her magic and brought it over to her, where she scanned the page with her eyes, them widening as she read the diary entry. “Oh, Celestia,” she said as she scanned each line. Her cheeks then bulged out as she dropped the book and pointed towards her muzzle. Discord rolled his eyes, sighed, and snapped his talons, causing a bucket to appear in front of Twilight. Twilight nodded in appreciation, grabbed the sides, and ejected the contents of her stomach into the bucket.

She lifted her head up and stared at Vinyl. “Vinyl, what the—” and was promptly cut off as she faced her muzzle back towards the bucket and spewed out more vomit. Twilight lifted her head from the bucket, breathing raggedly. “Viny—” and promptly shoved her muzzle back into the bucket as she expelled bile from her stomach. Finally, she lifted her head, wiped the trail of vomit off of her muzzle with her magic, and faced Vinyl, breathing heavily, her eyes slitted. “Vinyl, what in the hay is wrong with you!?”

Vinyl shrugged. “I was horny.”

Twilight shook her head. “Damnit, Vinyl!”

Rarity and Discord both raised eyebrows. “What did Vinyl do?” Rarity asked.

Twilight retched. “...things. Disgusting, depraved things.”

Discord’s eyes shot open. “Ooooh, I wanna read!” he said as he floated the book over to him and read the contents, grimacing at what he perused. He then glared at Vinyl. “My, you’ve been a very naughty girl, haven’t you?” Vinyl blushed in response.

“I would like to see the offending document,” Rarity huffed.

“Here, knock yourself out,” Discord said as he dropped the book, which Rarity greedily grasped in her magic.

Rarity’s face curved into a wicked grin as she started reading, her face quickly morphing into one of absolute shock and disgust; her jaw dropped and her eyes popped open. “Oh my…” she said, “oh my Celestia.” When she was finished with the passage, she gently put the book down on the vanity behind her.

Twilight’s eyes widened in shock. “You read all that!?”

Rarity nodded, her face screwed up in terror. “Yes I did.”

Twilight’s jaw dropped. “And you didn’t puke!?”

Rarity chuckled nervously. “Twilight, a lady never vomits around company.” With that, she held a hoof to her forehead and collapsed onto her back.

Discord snorted and crossed his arms. “She apparently faints.” Discord faced Twilight. “So, any leads?”

Twilight nodded. “Yes,” she said, clearing her throat afterwards. “The most recent appointment on Celestia’s schedule was at Transpicuous Pharmaceuticals at ten A.M.”

Discord chuckled. “Ah, Transpicuous,” he said as he looked into the air. “I’ve been trying to break through their chaos shielding for over a year.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Chaos shielding? Why would they need chaos shielding?”

Discord snickered. “The company line is some bullcrap about quality assurance or somesuch. I think the CEO really commissioned it to try and keep me out.”

Twilight looked confused. “Why would they want to try and keep you out?”

Discord leaned in to come face to face with Twilight, wearing a wicked grin. “Probably because I might try and pawn off their secrets to the highest bidder if I ever got my hands on them…”

Twilight facehooved. “You never did change, did you?”

Discord giggled as he popped into the air. “What? Me turn down the chance to sow a little chaos while earning a little extra pocket change?”

Twilight’s eyes slitted. “If I could turn you back to stone right now, I would.”

Discord wrapped around Twilight like a boa constrictor and laughed. “Oh, but you can’t, can you?” he whispered, “and you can’t tell Fluttershy, either, because she’s off with Trixie on one of her little business trips.” Twilight teleported to the other side of the room, leaving Discord wrapped up like a rattlesnake. “So, what do you say we keep this a secret between the three of us, eh?” he hissed, “you don’t even have to lie, because who would even think to ask such a ridiculous question about old, reformed Discord?”

Twilight snorted. “I might think of a few.”

“Hold on you two,” Vinyl said as she strode between the two of them, “everypony take a chill pill.” Vinyl turned to face Twilight. “Now Twilight, I know that look on your face. You’re cooking up a way to kill Discord, aren’t you?”

Twilight nodded. “I’ve run through several scenarios in my mind; most of them involve weaponizing the chaos shielding.”

Vinyl nodded. “Attagirl. But think this through: what would Discord even need the money for? I mean, he can create anything just by snapping his talons.”

“I actually just bring it from somewhere else,” he said, eyes locked on Twilight.

Vinyl grinned. “Which brings me to my exact point, strangely enough,” she said as she turned to face Discord. “What do you need the money for?”

Beads of sweat dripped from Discord’s brow. “I...uh...I...uh…” he stammered.

Twilight glared at Discord with the fury of an Alicorn Princess. “You better have a damn good explanation, or I’m frying you where you stand.”

Discord looked around shiftily, then popped up to his full height. “Goddamnit! I donate it to the Canterlot Foal’s Hospital!”

Vinyl grinned and turned to face Twilight. “See that wasn’t so hard, was—”

“—proof,” Twilight cut Vinyl off with through gritted teeth, “Give me proof,” she said, purple flames leaking from her eyes, “or things are about to get a lot more orderly in Equestria.”

Discord recoiled and snapped his talons, revealing several slips of paper. “Here, here! Receipt slips from my donations under an assumed name!” he shot out as he quickly floated the slips over to Twilight, whose eyes returned to normal as she grasped the slips in her magic and looked through them. “I g-guess Fluttershy’s rubbing off on me, heh heh…”

Twilight ignored Discord as she scanned the receipts. “Hmmm...Whirling Dervish...how apropos.” Twilight fixed her gaze on Discord as she floated the slips back to him, him grabbing them and shoving them behind him as he giggled nervously. “Why did you resort to espionage? Why didn’t you just pop the money out of some noblepony’s treasury?”

Discord crossed his arms and turned his head away. “Pardon me for actually wanting to earn it—”

“No,” Twilight said, “there has to be more.”

Vinyl looked at Twilight. “Why?”

Twilight barked out a laugh. “Because there’s always more with Discord.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Discord said.

The purple flames returned to Twilight’s eyes. “Listen here, you bastard,” she growled, “I am almost to my limit with your shit today. First, the sky fouls up and you have no idea what’s going on just like last time, where it was revealed your slimy pawprints were all over it. Then, you and Rarity come up with some cockamaimey story about Luna having incestuous feelings for Celestia—”

“—princestuous, not to mention you found out what I actually did to Princess Luna when she tried to help me—”

“—that too, Vinyl, but you’re already paying your penance for that. Finally, Discord, I find out that you’re involved in corporate espionage to supposedly earn money to donate to a Foal’s Hospital—”

“—the one you were born at, may I remind—”

“—SHUT UP, DISCORD!” Twilight roared, causing Vinyl’s and Discord’s mane and hair to blow back from the force, “you tell me what your master plan is. Now.”

“Now, Princess Twilight—”

“—don’t Princess Twilight me, scum. You tell me!”

Discord stared into Twilight’s flaming eyes, his breath caught up in his lungs. He finally released it, drooping down. “Fine, but you wouldn’t understand.”

Twilight fixed her flaming gaze on Discord. “Try me.”

Discord sighed. “I...only take jobs where the client has more to gain than the victim has to lose. I level the playing field, in a sense.”

“And how do you figure that out?” Twilight growled.

Discord snickered. “Market research, of course!”

“See?” Vinyl said, “he’s trying to do the right thing the best way he knows how!”

“But how do I know he won’t do it again?” Twilight asked, her gaze fixed on Discord.

“You don’t!” Vinyl said while facehooving. “Dude, let me put it this way. You found out that I sexually assaulted one of your best friends and you argued for my acceptance among your friends. Shit, I...uh...did things to your mentor’s sister and you just forgave me on the spot—”

“—after Princess Luna sentenced you to immortality—”

“—whatever. And now you’re going to fry Discord because of selling secrets?”

“It’s not that, it’s...it’s…” Twilight stammered as the flames died down in her eyes. Twilight then let out a long sigh. “Maybe you’re right, Vinyl. Today has been really stressful. I mean, waking up to having lost my virtue—”

“—you turned in your v-card? Sweet!”

Twilight shook her head. “No. Not sweet. I falsely accused the poor stallion of forcibly violating me after I drank an entire bottle of vodka and blacked out. It was only after I had Rarity cast a memory spell on me that I realized my mistake.”

Vinyl trotted over to Twilight and sat down. “Oh.”

Discord visibly relaxed and tapped hip lower lip with a talon. “Oh my…”

Twilight giggled nervously. “...yeah. And then when they sky screwed up, I blamed Discord based on a previous assumption.”

“One instance does not a pattern make, Princess Twilight,” Discord said, “you of all ponies should know that.”

Twilight fell to her haunches and smiled while Vinyl draped a foreleg around her shoulders. “Yeah, but I wasn’t thinking very clearly. And then everything piled up, what with Discord teleporting me mid-flight, finding that love poetry in Luna’s diary, finding out the...things you did to Luna...I guess Discord telling me about his corporate espionage was the straw that finally broke the camel’s back.” Twilight looked up at Discord. “Discord, I’m sorry that I threatened your life so flippantly. Can you forgive me?”

Discord crossed his arms and looked away. “...only if you remove the chaos shielding surrounding the room.”

Twilight nodded as she stood up. “Okay,” she said as her horn glowed, “but we’re talking about this later.”

Discord rolled his eyes as he sat down sharply. “Ugh, fine.”

Twilight smiled. “That sounds great! Now I’m heading over to Transpicuous,” she said as she faced Discord, “could you give me a lift?”

Discord touched his lower lip with a talon. “...I’ll get you as close as I can.”

Twilight smiled and nodded. “That sounds great! You two have fun!” she said as she blinked out of Luna’s room.

“So, what do we do now?” Discord asked Vinyl.

Vinyl grinned wickedly as she grasped two quills and an inkwell from Luna’s vanity, dipping them in the inkwell and floating one over to Discord, who grasped it in his talon.

Discord stared at the quill, then a Vinyl. “What’s this for?”

Vinyl snickered. “We’re going to draw on Rarity’s face while she’s passed out!”

Discord smiled. “Oh goodie!”

You're an Autist, Twilight

Twilight Sparkle was sitting in Applejack’s barn, surrounded by all of her friends — Applejack(of course), Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Big Macintosh. Her brother Shining Armor was there as well...and Trixie and Discord, strangely enough. They were all staring at her gravely. Twilight shifted uncomfortably.

“So,” Twilight asked, “why did you call me in here?”

Fluttershy nodded. “There’s something that we wanted to talk to you about.”

Applejack nodded as well. “And after what Flutters told us, we think it’d be best if you take a listen.” Shining Armor nodded, too.

Twilight gave everyone present a weird stare. “What is this about?”

Trixie stood up with a piece of paper grasped in her magic, trotted over to Twilight, who grasped the paper in her own magic. Trixie then hugged her, which Twilight found very strange indeed. “It’ll be ok, Twilight. I had no idea,” Trixie said.

“I still don’t know what you’re talking about…” Twilight said as she scanned over the piece of paper. Her pupils pinned when she read the first line.

Is someone you know autistic?

Twilight forcefully shoved Trixie off of her and gave accusing stares to everyone present. “This is what you called me over here for!? That’s it, I’m done here—”

“Wait a sec,” Shining Armor said, “just hear them out. Most of the ponies here are your friends and care deeply for you.” He then glared at Discord. “I don’t know why he’s here, though.”

Discord chuckled. “I just came to watch the show.”

Twilight shook her head. “Well, if Shiny thinks this is worth hearing out, I’m inclined to stay.” Twilight sighed. “So what makes all of you think that I have autism?” Everyone present pulled out a sheet of paper. Twilight facehooved.

“We thought it best if we came prepared,” Rarity said, “we know how you get—”

“—which is autistic,” Rainbow Dash said, which earned her a smack upside the head from Rarity. Rainbow Dash grumbled as she rubbed the point of contact.

Rarity cleared her throat. “As I was saying, we know how you get, which is why we brought facts. We know how much you like facts, isn’t that right?” Rarity asked. Twilight nodded in response.

“This is where I cut in, I guess,” Shining Armor said. He looked down at his sheet of paper. “Well, the big thing that stands out to me is unusual distress when routines are changed.” Shining Armor then stared at Twilight. “You remember how if our parents didn’t warn you a half an hour in advance that we were going out to eat, you’d throw a tantrum until Mom gave up and decided to cook dinner?”

Twilight blushed. “Well, they should have warned me.”

Shining Armor shook his head. “Not to mention the fact that you wouldn’t play with other colts and fillies your own age. You always hung on to me or Princess Celestia.”

Twilight glared at Shining Armor. “That’s because they didn’t share my interests!”

“You mean being an egghead?” Rainbow Dash said as she instinctively dodged Rarity’s hoof.

Twilight turned her head away. “Like I said, the other colts and fillies couldn’t keep up with me. I was on intermediate magical theory when they could barely hold a block with telekinesis!”

Trixie shook her head. “Twilight, I went to the same school and managed to make friends even though I was an arrogant blowhard. Schools are designed in such a way to promote social interaction, and you just threw it all away!”

“Not to mention that you hang out in your library all day,” Applejack said, “t’aint natural.”

Twilight glared at Applejack. “That’s not true! I go on picnics with you girls all the time!”

“Sure, but you wouldn’t have even done that if you hadn’t been assigned friendship reports,” Rarity said.

“And for a Princess of Friendship, you show an amazing lack of empathy,” Discord said. Everypony turned to Discord. “I mean,” he continued, ”don’t you find it a little strange that Fluttershy was assigned to reform me as opposed to future Friendship Royalty?”

Twilight blushed. “It’s not like I didn’t try…”

“By what means?” Discord asked, “a reform spell?” Discord sighed. “Leave it up to an autist to find a mechanical solution to an empathy issue.”

Twilight glared at Discord. “First of all, I don’t think that’s even a word.”

Pinkie raised her hoof. “And remember that time you hooked me up to all those crazy machines like I was a lab rat?”

“Or when you tried to psychoanalyze why I was helping Applejack?” Rainbow Dash asked.

Twilight fixed her glare upon Rainbow Dash. “I thought you and Applejack were having a friendship problem.”

“And that’s another thing!” Applejack said, “when you get yer mind fixed on something, that’s the way it is! Did you ever think to send a letter to Celestia saying everything’s dandy?”

Twilight looked away. “She assigned me to find friendship problems…”

Discord shook his head. “She assigned you to report your findings on friendship. Did it ever occur to you that maybe friendship is smooth sailing sometimes?”

Twilight blushed. “No, it hadn’t.”

Applejack chuckled. “Remember when I moved your inkwell the tiniest bit?”

Twilight glared at Applejack. “I had them placed perfectly!”

“Oh, yeah,I almost forgot!” Pinkie said, “Remember when that piano dropped on your head and you got up like nothing happened?”

“And when you pulled out that slumber party book,” Rarity chortled, “I’ll never forget when you tried to find the part about the tree falling through the window in it!”

Applejack giggled. “Yeah, that was pretty funny.”

“So?” Twilight asked, “what does any of this have to do with autism?”

“Twilight,” Fluttershy said, “these are all classic traits of autism. Although yours appears to be a very mild case.” Fluttershy shook her head. “Besides that, all of your friends besides the three princesses are in this room. Did you ever think to make other friends besides the six of us?”

Twilight looked around nervously. “No...because I have all the friends I need right here!”

Rainbow Dash stared at Twilight. “Twi, we all have other friends outside the ponies—”

“—and Draconequus—”

Rainbow Dash glared at Discord. “We all have friends outside of the ponies here.”

“I myself have socialized with Canterlot’s fashion elite!” Rarity said, beaming.

“I do enjoy chewing the dog with the flower sisters at the market,” Applejack said.

Twilight shot her eyes around like a trapped animal. “Well...what about Trixie! She doesn’t have any friends outside of the ponies here!” Everypony gasped at that.

“How rude!” Rarity said.

Trixie snorted. “You try making friends after taking over the town you reside in due to being magically cursed.”

“Twilight, you’re being tray insensitive,” Pinkie said, “you really need to be more considerate of other ponies’ situations.”

Twilight glared at Pinkie. “I was just making a point!”

Shining Armor shook his head. “I think what everypony—”

“—and Draconequus—”

“—everyone is trying to saying to say here is that this isn’t magically induced, unlike Trixie. You were born this way and it’s been an ever present blockade in your life.”

Twilight looked down and sniffed. “Okay, maybe you guys are right. Maybe I am insensitive to other ponies’ feelings. Maybe I do have a lot of trouble making friends. Maybe I am hypersensitive to how my things are arranged.” She then looked at everyone present. “But how can I fix it besides what I’ve already been doing?”

Pinkie chuckled. “Silly filly, did you think I’d call this meeting without a solution?” she said.

Twilight looked at Pinkie Pie. “And what is your solution?”

Pinkie then pulled out a large pill bottle from...somewhere. “Why, drugs, of course!” Fluttershy and Trixie both turned their heads as they recognized the pill bottle that Pinkie was carrying.

“Where did you get that?” Trixie asked, “that’s not supposed to be on the market for another month!”

“It was an awesome plan!” Rainbow Dash said. “We ordered it through Fluttershy’s business!”

Fluttershy’s eyes widened as she turned her head to Rainbow Dash. “What!? But that would mean that—”

“—I forged your signature on your cheques!” Pinkie said.

Fluttershy glared at Pinkie. “I told you to do that only for emergencies!”

Pinkie raised an eyebrow at Fluttershy. “Doesn’t this count as an emergency?”

Fluttershy nodded uneasily. “I guess so. Please tell me you didn’t order that much…”

Pinkie frowned. “It wasn’t that much, although I did have to order it in bulk. You got a discount for being an employee, though, so that knocked off twenty-five percent.”

“So how much did it cost?” Fluttershy asked, her voice quavering.

“Hmmm...let me see...one hundred bottles at one hundred-fifty bits a bottle…”

“Fifteen thousand bits,” Big Macintosh said. Fluttershy’s eyes popped open in shock.

“Don’t worry, Flutters,” Rainbow Dash said, “we’ll pay back every bit!”

Fluttershy glared at Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash. “You better!”

“What is the drug, anyway?” Twilight thought to ask.

Pinkie looked at the bottle. “Hmmm...I don’t know.”

Trixie grasped the bottle from Pinkie in her magic. “Let me see that,” she said as she examined the bottle, a puzzled look crossing her face. “It’s greek to me. Here, Rarity, you have a try,” she said as she lobbed the bottle over to Rarity who caught it in her magic.

Rarity looked over the bottle, clearly confused, then handed it over to Applejack. “Why don’t you try it? You could work on your reading comprehension,” she said with a giggle.

Applejack glared at Rarity as she glanced over the bottle. “Sh’up, you, my readin’s perfectly—this bottle’s cheatin’. Here, Dashie, you give it a whirl,” she said as she threw the bottle to Rainbow Dash who caught it in her hooves.

Rainbow Dash scanned the label. “Um...pulcks-yer?” she offered.

Fluttershy shook her head. “It’s pronounced pleasure.” Everyone present turned to her.

“Well, why didn’t ya say nothin’?” Applejack asked.

Fluttershy smiled as she crossed her forelegs. “I guess Trixie’s rubbing off on me.” Applejack groaned.

Twilight grasped the bottle from Rainbow’s grip and studied it herself, noting the drug name Plxyr printed on the label. “What is it?” Twilight asked.

“It’s a chemical known as methylenedioxymethamphetamine, or MDMA for short,” Fluttershy said. “It’s designed for therapeutic use in patients suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder by way of increasing emotional openness and reducing fear and anxiety, thus providing a perfect therapeutic environment to explore difficult feelings...but how did you know what it did?”

Pinkie giggled. “I read the literature you received on it.”

Twilight twisted open the bottle with her magic and pulled out a pill, examining it. It was green, with one side scored presumably to assist in halving, and the other had a debossed X on it. “So this’ll help with my autism?” she asked.

Fluttershy nodded. “Theoretically. It should allow you to fully explore your emotions without fear of repercussion.”

“Hmm,” Twilight vocalized, “why is it scored?”

“Because unicorns have a naturally low tolerance for the effects. You should break the pill in half and take the half only,” Trixie said.

“Okay,” Twilight said as she broke the pill in half and put the other half back in the bottle She then teleported a glass of water to her side and looked at Fluttershy. “You sure this’ll be safe?”

Fluttershy nodded. “I think you’ll be fine, considering recent events.”

Twilight blushed. “Well, here goes nothing,” she said as she put the pill in her mouth and drank the glass of water. “Now what?” she asked Fluttershy.

Fluttershy smiled. “Now, we wait.” Twilight nodded. Everypony sat back and relaxed.

“Hey, Dashie,” Applejack whispered.

“What?” Rainbow Dash whispered back.

“Five bits says she freaks out.”

Rainbow Dash giggled. “You’re on.”

Fortunately for Twilight(and unfortunately for Applejack), two hours passed and Twilight did not freak out. She was embraced in a tight hug with Rarity, who hugged her back.

“Now, isn’t this nice, Twilight?” Rarity asked.

Twilight nodded. “Yeah. I mean, I’ve hugged you before, but it never felt intimate like this. I used to hug because Celestia hugged, but now I see why she did it,” she said as she rubbed Rarity’s withers softly. She then disengaged Rarity and poked her red, curved horn. “Your horn’s pretty!”

Rarity blushed at that. “I wish more ponies would say that.”

Twilight turned to Fluttershy, her pupils the size of saucers. “I think I’m ready.”

Fluttershy nodded. “Alright, let me just lead you to town…” she said as she went to grab Twilight’s foreleg before Pinkie Pie cut in and grabbed it herself.

“Let me, Fluttershy. I mean I do know everypony in town.”

Fluttershy nodded. “Ok, Pinkie. I trust you.” Pinkie smiled as she led Twilight out of the barn.

“Five bits says she freaks out,” Discord said.

Fluttershy glared at Discord. “That’s not nice! Why would you bet on her freaking out?”

Discord shrugged. “Eh, I figured it was a safe bet.”

“Discord! Take that back!”

Discord groaned as he floated to the ground. “Uhhhh, fine,” he said as he crossed his arms.

Pinkie led Twilight Sparkle into the town market, which bustled with activity. Twilight saw somepony she knew and waved.

“Hey, Roseluck!” She called out.

Roseluck looked around confused before finally setting her eyes on Twilight, who was waving at her. She waved back. “Hey, Twilight!”

Twilight and Pinkie trotted to the flower stand. “How are you?” Twilight asked.

Roseluck raised an eyebrow. “Fine, thank you. Would you like to buy anything?”

Twilight looked at Pinkie, who shrugged. Twilight looked confusedly at the flowers, then pointed to a rose. “That one!”

Roseluck nodded. “That’ll be three bits, please.” Twilight nodded and pulled three bits out of her saddlebag, putting them on the counter as she pulled a particularly beautiful rose out of the bunch.

Roseluck blinked. “That one is five bits.” Twilight nodded and went to pull more bits out of her bag before Pinkie smacked her horn, causing her to drop the flower which Pinkie deftly caught in her mouth.

“I think three bits is fine,” Pinkie said as Twilight dizzily rubbed her horn.

Roseluck glared. “You know I’d only do that—”

“—for a friend?” Pinkie finished while staring at her.

Roseluck nodded demurely. “I see. Carry on.” With that, Pinkie smiled and led Twilight away.

After a while, Twilight had spoken to everypony in the market, although she hadn’t bought any more things. They were heading back to the barn when Twilight saw a pony in an alleyway. She froze, causing Pinkie Pie to lose her footing.

“What is it, Twilight?” Pinkie asked.

“That pony in the alley...she looks so lonely. We have to befriend her!” Twilight said resolutely as she grasped the rose from Pinkie’s mouth and marched resolutely over to the white pony with the cyan and azure mane wearing sunglasses.

“Hi!” Twilight said. The pony looked up, then backed away.

“Hey, listen, if this is about your friend, I was really messed up at the time…”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “What? No, I’m here to make friends with you!” She said while she levitated the flower over to the pony. “What’s your name?”

The pony delicately grasped the flower from Twilight’s magic into her own. “Vinyl. Vinyl Scratch.”

Twilight smiled and nodded. “What’s your special talent? Judging by your Cutie Mark, I’m guessing it has to do with messing up music.”

Vinyl Scratch scratched the back of her neck. “I guess you could say that, in a sense...I’m a DJ.”

Twilight nodded again. “That’s nice. Would you like to come back to Applejack’s barn with me where all of my friends are hanging out?”

Vinyl peered at Twilight. “Did you say...all of your friends?”

Twilight smiled. “Yes I did!” she said, “and you’ll get to meet them all!”

Vinyl looked away. “I’m not sure that’s such a good idea…”

“Nonsense!” Twilight said, grabbing Vinyl’s foreleg and dragging her to Pinkie, “I’m sure you’ll get along swimmingly!”

Pinkie stared at Vinyl with slitted eyes. “Twilight, I’m not sure if this is such a good idea…”

Twilight glared at Pinkie Pie. “Look, Pinkie, I made a friend. Don’t you think it would be proper if I introduced her?”

Pinkie stared at Vinyl, then Twilight, then back at Vinyl again and shrugged. “Okie dokie lokie!” she said, “follow me!” Twilight smiled and followed Pinkie along with Vinyl, who was looking around nervously.

“So, let me get this straight,” Rainbow Dash said, “you’re a vet AND a pet psychiatrist?”

Fluttershy nodded. “Yes, that’s correct.”

“Just one thing,” Rarity asked, “where did you find the time to acquire these degrees?”

Fluttershy giggled. “After high school, of course!”

Applejack nodded. “So when did you finish high school?”

“When I was ten.” Everypony stared at Fluttershy.

“One more question,” Trixie asked, “what’s your IQ score?”

Fluttershy blushed. “I really don’t wanna say…”

Trixie glared at Fluttershy. “Come on, Fluttershy, nopony will think that you’re bragging. We’re all friends here, right? Besides, we asked you!” Everypony nodded at that.

“Well, okay,” Fluttershy said, “it’s two hundred and fifteen.” Everypony stared at her, at a loss for what to say.

“That’s,” Shining Armor finally said, “that’s higher than Twilight’s…”

Rarity giggled. “Well that certainly explains a lot.”

“You ain’t kidding,” Rainbow Dash said, grinning smugly, “who knew Flutters was a supergenius!?”

“I could have guessed that,” Rarity said, leveling a glare at Rainbow Dash, “in fact, that’s what I was inferring.”

“Oh, shut up,” Rainbow Dash said, leveling her own glare back at Rarity.

“By the way,” Discord asked, “what’s Twilight’s?”

“Two hundred,” Shining Armor said while lifting his head up.

Discord peered at Shining Armor. “And what’s yours?”

Shining Armor blushed. “One hundred-thirty.”

Rarity trotted over to Shining Armor and patted his withers. “Oh, come on, that’s nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s higher than mine.”

Shining Armor let a small smile escape from his lips. “I guess so.”

The barn door opened slightly, revealing Pinkie and Twilight.

“So,” Fluttershy asked, smiling, “how did it go?”

“Er…” Pinkie vocalized.

Twilight smiled. “It went great! I said hi to everypony in town, and I even made a new friend! Come on in, Vinyl!” Fluttershy’s eyes popped open upon hearing that. She was hoping that she meant a different Vinyl.

Her fears were realized when a white unicorn with a cyan and azure mane trotted in, smiling weakly. Fluttershy shrieked and darted behind Big Mac, who stood up along with Trixie. Everypony else in the room just leered at Vinyl. Discord, however, giggled.

“I see a lot of chaos in your future, Vinyl…” he said. Vinyl gulped.

“What are you doing bringing this hooligan here!?” Trixie said, charging her horn up with pink.

“Eeyup,” Big Mac said as his eyes slitted.

Rarity snorted. “I don’t know why you’re even bothering, Trixie. It’s not like your magic can do any serious damage.”

Vinyl’s eyes darted around. “I don’t know about that…” Trixie smiled upon hearing that.

Twilight stared confusedly at Fluttershy, Big Mac, and Trixie. “Why are you all being so hostile towards Vinyl?”

Trixie snorted. “I trotted into the bathroom of the Greenlight Lounge to find this disk jockey trying to scratch Fluttershy, if you get my drift.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Not really, no.”

“Skip her record?” Trixie asked.

“What?

Trixie sighed in frustration. “Change her tracks?”

Twilight facehooved. “Will you quit it with the euphemisms and just spit it out!?”

“S-she sexually assaulted me!” Fluttershy finally spit out.

“Eeyup,” Big Mac hissed.

Twilight furrowed her brow. “Hmmm...that is an issue.”

Pinkie glared at Twilight. “I tried to warn you.”

Twilight glared back. “Not really. You just asked me if it was a good idea, and based on the information I had, it was.” Twilight then faced Fluttershy. “But I’m sure you can forgive her after five months! I mean, you made friends with Trixie!”

“B-but she was under the influence of dark magic! It’s different!” Fluttershy squeaked.

“But you know who wasn’t influenced by dark magic?” Discord asked.

“Wh-who?”

Discord grinned widely while pointing to himself. “Me! You befriended me after I mind-raped you!”

“Discord, ya mind-raped all of us,” Applejack said while she glared at the draconequus.

Discord shook his head. “No, I tricked the rest of you into mind-raping yourselves. Fluttershy was the only pony I had to directly mind-rape.”

Twilight glared at Fluttershy. “Which brings up my exact point, strangely enough. If you can forgive the Lord of Chaos after directly mind-raping you, surely you can forgive Vinyl for assaulting you sexually.” Twilight smiled and pushed Vinyl into the center of the room. “So why don’t you give it a shot?”

Fluttershy hid behind Big Macintosh, still shivering. “I-I don’t know, Twilight…”

Twilight glared at Fluttershy. “Come on! We all tolerated Discord after you befriended him, so you could show me the same courtesy!”

“Courtesy ain’t got nothin ta do with it, if ya ask me…” Applejack said through gritted teeth.

“Seriously?” Twilight asked, “if you can forgive Discord for mind-raping you AND Trixie for enslaving you, why can’t you forgive Vinyl?”

Applejack pondered that for a moment.

“You know, she’s got a point,” Rainbow Dash said.

“Sh’up, I’m thinking,” Applejack replied.

“Well, while Applejack’s lost in that forest,” Rarity said, “I don’t see why you can’t forgive her. Twilight’s put up a rather strong argument.”

“Ya know, I’m right here.”

Rarity smiled at Applejack with her eyes closed. “I know, darling.”

Twilight facehooved. “Look, what’s it going to take you to forgive Vinyl?”

Fluttershy shook her head, still shivering. Twilight’s eyes flashed as she picked up the bottle of Plxyr and examined it.

“Maybe this?” she said, “you did say it was good for getting over traumatic experiences…”

Fluttershy looked around uneasily, then got out from behind Big Mac. “I guess it couldn’t hurt…”

Twilight smiled as she took out a full pill and the half-pill from earlier and shoved the full pill into Fluttershy’s mouth, upon which she started choking. Twilight then rubbed her throat, and Fluttershy swallowed. She then floated the half-pill over to Vinyl, who grasped it in her magic, examining it.

“What’s this?” she asked.

Twilight smiled. “It’s a medication that enabled me to make friends.”

Vinyl shrugged. “Good enough for me,” she said as she swallowed the pill. “Now what?”

Twilight smiled. “Now, we wait.”

“...and that’s why I never talk about my parents,” Fluttershy said, now holding hooves with Vinyl, both of them sitting on the ground. Everyone was staring in shock at the scene before them.

“That is so interesting,” Vinyl said, staring into Fluttershy’s eyes, “I had no idea.”

“Whoah…” Pinkie said, “they’re like...best friends now.”

“I know,” Twilight said, herself sitting, “isn’t it great?”

“I must say that this proves the drug’s efficacy once and for all..." Rarity said, "why, if everypony took this…”

“Wait,” Vinyl said, turning her head to Rarity, “what was that last part?”

“If everypony took this?”

Vinyl jumped up onto her hooves and started pacing. “That’s it!”

“What’s it?” Applejack asked. Vinyl trotted over to Rarity and hugged her, Rarity recoiling in response.

“You’re a genius, Rarity!”

Rarity blushed. “I always thought so myself, but why now?”

Vinyl disengaged from Rarity and started pacing again. “We’ll hold a rave!” She then looked towards Shining Armor. “Remember those, Shining?”

“Yes, I do, Vinyl,” Shining Armor replied, “yes, I do.”

Rainbow raised a hoof. “What’s a rave?”

Shining Armor laughed. “It’s a giant party with electronic music where everyone gets wasted.”

Pinkie bounced six feet in the air. “Woo-hoo! Count me in!”

Applejack smirked. “I see how that would drum up some business.”

“Eeyup,” Big Mac said.

Vinyl grinned ear to ear. “How many of those pills do you have left?”

“Uh, nineteen thousand, nine hundred and ninety-eight,” Rainbow Dash said.

“You could sell those at the rave!”

Fluttershy’s eyes popped open. “But isn’t that illegal?”

“I’ll write everypony involved pardons,” Twilight said, “although a party of this magnitude would require excessive organization…”

Fluttershy nodded. “Well, in that case, I guess I could contribute some ketamine to the cause…”

Vinyl turned her head towards Fluttershy. “You have K?”

Fluttershy giggled. “Of course. I’m a veterinarian.”

Vinyl squealed. “This is gonna be awesome!”

“I’ll get some weed off of my guy in Cloudsdale—”

“How do they grow weed in Cloudsdale, Rainbow Dash?” Trixie asked.

Rainbow Dash waved a dismissive hoof at Trixie. “Hydroponics, duh! High-altitude smoke is the best smoke!”

“Well, how was I supposed to know that?” Trixie grumbled.

Rainbow Dash laughed derisively. “Well, I wouldn’t expect a unicorn to know that.”

“Shut up.”

“I’ll supply the liquor, of course,” Applejack said.

“And I’ll PLAN the PARTY!” Pinkie screamed.

Discord raised an eyebrow at Twilight. “Don’t you have anything to contribute?”

“Of course,” Twilight said, “I’ll be organizing.”

Discord kept staring at Twilight. “I mean something chemical.”

Twilight looked around nervously. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, Discord.”

Discord looked away. “Hmmph.”

Twilight looked down.

“I thought you wanted a party…” Discord taunted.

Twilight sighed. “Fine, I’ll cook up some LSD.” Discord grinned.

Vinyl turned her head towards Twilight. “LSD? What’s that?”

Twilight sighed again. “It’s hard to explain the effects if you haven’t taken it yourself...I assure you, though, at a proper dosage, it’s quite pleasant.”

Vinyl grinned. “Sounds awesome!” she said while pacing around. “By the way, what’s that drug you gave me called?”

“Methylenedioxymethamphetamine,” Twilight said with pride.

Vinyl frowned. “Too sciencey,” she said as she grasped the pill bottle, twisted off the top, pulled out one of the pills and examined it.

“Yes, Vinyl?” Twilight asked.

“Why don’t we call it...Ex?”

Pinkie raised an eyebrow. “Ex?”

Vinyl nodded. “Yeah, there’s a big X on it, so why not just go with that?”

Twilight frowned. “I rather like the original name…”

“Of course you do, because you’re an autistic egghead,” Rainbow Dash said while dodging hooves from both Applejack and Rarity.

“So what are we waiting for?” Pinkie asked, “let’s get this party planned!”

Advanced Party Planning: Setting up the Venue

Twilight Sparkle was sitting in Applejack’s kitchen, Applejack ladling cider from the stove into two mugs. Applejack picked them up and brought them to the table, Twilight taking one of them in her magic. She nodded and took a long, slow sip.

“Thank you, Applejack. Your cider’s the best,” Twilight said. Applejack smiled and sat down, taking a sip of cider upon doing so.

“Darn straight,” Applejack said, “so what’s eatin’ you?”

Twilight looked into her cider mug. “Well…”

Applejack looked at Twilight. “It’s about Vinyl, innit?”

Twilight looked up, shocked. “How did you—”

Applejack shook her head. “What did she do to you?”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Do to me?” She then blushed at what Applejack was inferring. “Oh, no, you misunderstand. She hasn’t tried to assault me or anything like that.”

Applejack raised an eyebrow this time. “Ya sure?”

Twilight nodded and sipped on her cider. “Yes, I’m certain. I think I would know when somepony was trying to assault me sexually.”

Applejack took a sip of her cider, then rubbed her chin. “Hmmm...so what’s your problem with Vinyl, then?”

Twilight stared back into her cider. “It’s not a problem, per se, it’s more of a concern…”

Applejack sipped her cider. “Concerned about what?”

Twilight sipped her cider as well. “Well...I went to check on her at Fluttershy’s, and I caught her taking marijuana.”

Applejack spit her cider back into her cup upon hearing that, stifling a giggle. “You serious, Twi?”

Twilight shot a glare at Applejack. “Yes, I’m serious!” she said as she took a swig of cider. “Smoking’s bad, and she got Rainbow Dash into it as well!”

Applejack could hardly contain her giggling at this point. “Really, Twi? Ya know, fer being so smart, sometimes you miss the most obvious things.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“Ya ever wonder why Dashie’s so lazy all the time?”

Twilight furrowed her brow at Applejack until it softened in realization. “Ohhhhh,” she said as she sipped on her cider, “that actually explains a lot.”

Applejack grinned as she sipped on her cider. “So, what’s the problem?”

Twilight glared at Applejack. “Like I said, they were smoking it!”

Applejack narrowed her eyes at Twilight. “And how are they supposed ta do it?”

Twilight looked down. “Well, all the papers I’ve read on it use ingestion as the primary route of action, so I deduced that they would eat it.”

“Who’s they?” Applejack asked as she sipped on her cider.

“Vinyl, Rainbow Dash, Trixie, and Angel. Pinkie Pie laughed afterwards, but I’m not sure she understood why.”

Applejack glared at Twilight. “Angel was there? So I’m guessing Flutters was there, too.”

Twilight nodded. “Yeah, but she was sprawled out on the ground.”

Applejack gritted her teeth. “I’m gonna have words with Rainbow Dash about this.”

Twilight nodded as she sipped her cider. “Well, enough about that. We have to count ticket sales.”

Applejack nodded. “Uh-huh. So where are the tickets?”

Twilight smiled as her horn glowed. Many envelopes popped into existence and buried Applejack. “Right here!”

The pile of envelopes shuffled as Applejack unearthed herself, frowning. “Alright, let’s get these tickets counted.”

Three days later, Vinyl was sitting in Carousel Boutique. An errant breeze passed by her.

“Rarity?” she asked. Another breeze blew by. Vinyl looked around. “Rarity?” Vinyl stood up and trotted over the canvas that she had been previously sitting on, looking around. “RaritAAAAAHHHH!” she strangled out before her neck was sewn straight through. The breeze coalesced into Rarity, who paused to look over her accidental handiwork.

“Hmm, it seems you’re in quite the bind, Vinyl,” she said.

“Not funny, dude,” Vinyl replied.

Rarity held a hoof up to her mouth and stifled a giggle. “I disagree. It appears I have you in stitches right now.”

Vinyl rolled her eyes. “Just shut up and unstitch me.” Rarity nodded, still giggling, and unstitched Vinyl in no time flat, panting afterwards. Vinyl winced as the holes in her neck closed up. “So, anyway...why I came here.”

Rarity nodded again. “Yes, why you came here,” she said as she raised an eyebrow, still panting.

Vinyl stared at Rarity as she stood up. Rarity sat on her haunches and teleported a tub of ice cream with a spoon in front of her and dug in. Vinyl looked around nervously, then sat on her haunches as well. "Well, Rarity, I kind of wanted to explain why I did what I did to Fluttershy."

Rarity raised an eyebrow as she brought a spoonful of ice cream to her mouth, chewing on it slowly. She then swallowed it. "Oh, really? Why don't you just explain it to Fluttershy and be done with it?"

Vinyl scratched the back of her neck and smiled weakly. "Well, you see, I already did. I just wanted to explain it to somepony to who it'd have more meaning."

Rarity eyed Vinyl down. "So, why me? Fluttershy’s intelligence is through the roof.”

Vinyl looked around nervously. " Well, to be honest, it felt like I wasn't in complete control of myself when the whole shebang went down, and Twilight said that you have experience with that sort of thing," she said, eyeing Rarity’s curved, red horn.

Rarity nodded as she swallowed another spoonful of ice cream. "That I do. But what happened to me was a full-scale possession. Yours just sounds like you acted on your base desires."

Vinyl shook her head. "More like my base desires were acting through me. Like I said, I wasn't in total control."

Rarity stared at Vinyl, chewing her scoop of ice cream slowly. She then swallowed and sighed. “You know, I think I kind of understand,” she said, “although my loss of control was total. I can’t imagine what was going through your head when your body just assaulted Fluttershy.”

Vinyl nodded. “Yeah, exactly. I mean, what was I going to do? Say ‘It’s not me, it was the drugs!’ Nuh-uh, not me.”

Rarity giggled. “You know, for a lecherous disc-jockey, you’re rather honorable.”

Vinyl smiled and patted her barrel. “Yep, that’s me.”

Rarity nodded as she stood up and poofed away the tub of ice cream and the spoon. “Now that we’ve had that talk and recharged, I must really get back to finishing this tent.”

Vinyl nodded and stood up. “You go ahead and do that, Rarity.” Vinyl then trotted out the door, upon which Rarity disappeared in a flash, stitch-work appearing on the canvas in her boutique.

Three days later, Twilight entered Vinyl’s house. She looked around expectantly.

“Vinyl?” she called out, trotting into the kitchen. “Vinyl?” she called out again. She noticed a note on the counter. Curious, she grasped it with her magic and read it.

Twilight, I’m downstairs.
~Vinyl

Twilight smiled as she chuckled to herself, putting the note down. She used a tilde, she thought to herself as she trotted over to the basement door, I love tildes. She opened the door with her magic and carefully trotted down the steep stairway to come across Vinyl sitting at a console of some kind, wearing headphones. She prodded Vinyl with her magic, upon which she jumped and looked around, finally setting her eyes upon Twilight. She smiled and took off her headphones, from which loud music was blaring.

“Hey, Twi,” she said as she offered the headphones to Twilight, “wanna hear what I’m mixing up?”

Twilight shook her head. “No thanks, I can hear it from here just fine.”

Vinyl frowned. “But you won’t get the full musical experience! Come on, please?”

Twilight looked around uneasily. “Okay, fine.”

Vinyl grinned and slid the headphones on Twilight, who screeched at the inequinely loud noise that was blaring into her ears. Vinyl winced and turned down the dial, upon which Twilight could make out a song. She listened intently.

“Is this...Pinkie Pie Wonderbolts Rap?” Twilight asked. Vinyl nodded. “Hmmm...it’s nice,” she said as she slipped off the headphones and handed them back to Vinyl. “Was that a saxophone?”

Vinyl nodded while grinning. “Yes it is, Twi.” Twilight then spotted a second chair next to Vinyl, which she gratefully sat down in.

Twilight nodded. “By the way, what was the volume on that?”

“Twenty-two,” Vinyl said as she put the headphones on, covering only one ear so as to hear Twilight.

Twilight’s eyes popped open. “Twenty-two? I didn’t even know they made record players that loud.”

Vinyl shook her head as she played with some sliders. “They don’t. I had to make it myself.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “But wouldn’t that shatter your eardrums?”

Vinyl grinned. “Well, they did the first couple of times, but I think they got the message and stayed put.”

Twilight giggled. “Oh, right. Immortal.”

“Yup,” Vinyl said, turning the dial back up, upon which Twilight could hear the music again.

“You know, Vinyl, you really shouldn’t do that much damage to your body.”

Vinyl shrugged and pressed a button. “What’s the harm? Luna said it was perfect.”

Twilight, realizing that she had no answer to that, quickly changed the subject. “So, I worked on this project that Discord suggested—”

“—Discord?” Vinyl asked.

Twilight nodded. “Yes, Discord. He suggested that I enchant a banana to aid in long-range communication. It’ll be great for talking to each other during the rave,” she said as she pulled out a banana and floated it over to Vinyl, who grasped it in her magic and slid it into her saddlebag.

“What’d he say when you showed it to him?”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “When I showed it to him, he froze, then fell to the floor rolling around in laughter wheezing out, and I quote, ‘Oh my god she did it I can’t believe she actually did it.’”

Vinyl shrugged. “Huh. Weird.”

Twilight blew a strand of hair out of her eyes. “I know, right? Sometimes I think he has all of these jokes that he keeps to himself.”

Vinyl giggled while pressing another button. “I still can’t believe you befriended him.”

Twilight shook her head. “Oh, no. That’s mostly Fluttershy, although I’d like to think the he considers us friends.”

Vinyl nodded her head. “For all of our sakes, me too.” She then turned to Twilight. “Oh, next time you see her, could you tell Applejack that I had no idea that she and Caramel were a thing?”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “A thing? Aren’t we all things?”

Vinyl chuckled while shaking her head. “That they were dating.”

Twilight’s eyes widened. “Why?”

Vinyl rested her forehead in her hoof. “Well, you see, it was the funniest thing. So, I make a pass at Caramel, Caramel resists my advances, so I turn up the charm. Just then, Applejack trots in, sees me getting cuddly with Caramel, then pounds the shit out of me,” she said while rubbing her jaw, “must’ve broken my moneymaker about four times.”

Twilight nodded as she stood up. “I’ll...get right on that.” She then trotted up the stairs, leaving Vinyl in front of her console with her knobs and sliders and buttons.

“Yeah...that’s it...give it up,” Vinyl whispered lewdly to the machine as she turned a knob.

Three days later, Princess Celestia was sitting on her bed enjoying a smoothie made of boysenberry and açaí berries, savoring the flavor, when she heard a knock at her door. She gently put the smoothie down.

“Enter.” The door opened, revealing a gray stallion with a black mane wearing gold armor. Celestia smiled warmly. “Hello, Obsidian Shield. What is it?” Obsidian Shield bowed, then rose. He then procured a letter and floated it to Celestia, who grasped it in her magic. “Thank you. Is this all?”

Obsidian Shield nodded. “Yes, your serene highness.”

Celestia smiled and nodded. “Very well. You may take your leave.” Obsidian Shield nodded again and cantered out, closing the door behind him. Celestia stared at the envelope, then tore it open and pulled out the contents, reading them silently.

To Her Serene Highness, Princess Celestia,

We would formally like to invite you to Ponyscape, Ponyville’s first rave. There will be twelve hours of music, food, and drinks. It is being held on June First from eight P.M. to eight A.M. Your presence would be greatly appreciated. Enclosed is a ticket enabling your entry.

Cordially,
Ponyville Liason

Princess Celestia stared at the letter, confused. Why was she being invited to a rave? Royalty normally weren’t invited to these sorts of things. She then heard a knock at the door. Celestia sighed.

“Enter.” Princess Luna trotted in, holding what appeared to be a letter in her magic. “You were invited as well?”

Princess Luna groaned and flopped onto the bed next to her sister. “It sucks that we can’t go.”

Celestia raised an eyebrow. “Why wouldn’t we be able to go?”

Luna huffed. “Because we have that meeting with the CEO of Transpicuous the next day.”

Celestia hung her head. “Oh, right.” She then raised an eyebrow. “Why would you want to go to this...rave?”

Luna turned her head to Celestia. “Really?”

Celestia nodded. “Yes, really.”

Luna turned her head back and sighed. “It’s a party...at night. That’s like my thing...it’s my ish.”

Celestia stared at her sister. “Ish?”

Luna rolled her eyes. “I heard some of my night guard use it. I figured that it fit in the context that they used it in.”

Celestia giggled. “I suppose it does.” She then sighed. “Well, why don’t we go for a little bit? I’m sure that would be enjoyable.”

Luna sat up and shook her head. “There would be no point. Nopony goes to a party like that for an hour. With a festivity like that, it’s go big or go home.” Celestia raised an eyebrow. “More slang,” Luna explained.

Celestia giggled and pulled her sister in for a hug. “Tell you what. Next time there’s a...rave, we are most definitely going, no qualms about it.”

Luna returned the hug tightly. “Thank you, sister.” She then disengaged the hug and floated the smoothie over to her, taking a sip. “Hmmm. Boysenberry,” she said as Celestia grasped the smoothie in her magic, “weird choice for a smoothie, but whatever rings around your rosie.” She then hopped off the bed and trotted out, closing the door behind her. Celestia giggled as she sipped on her smoothie.

“Rings around your rosie...haven’t heard that one in forever.”

Fifteen days had passed mostly without incident. Rarity’s tents were set up in Applejack’s field and Twilight and Rarity were helping Vinyl set up her equipment on the stage they had set up. Rarity quickly grew frustrated with the devices and went to Applejack, who was still setting up her liquor stand. Twilight, however, enjoyed the challenge of figuring out which wire went where and helped Vinyl plug in her equipment.

“So, is this everything, Vinyl?” Twilight asked.

Vinyl nodded with a smug grin on her face. “Yep! Thank you so much for your help.”

Twilight grinned and nodded. “No problem, Vinyl. Anything for a friend!” She then trotted off the stage and over to Rarity and Applejack, who were chatting over martinis. Twilight glared at them. “Girls?”

Rarity turned her head to Twilight. “What? It’s after four o’clock, so I don’t see the problem,” she said as she sipped her martini.

Twilight facehooved. “Not that, just...find something to do!”

A voice then yelled across the field. “We have a delivery for a Miss Fluttershy Posey!”

Twilight’s eyes shot open as she turned and galloped towards the voice. “Right here!” she called out. She reached the edge of the field just as Fluttershy did. “So, you have them all?”

A brown unicorn stallion holding a portable toilet in his magic nodded. Twilight soon noticed that there were sixty-two other unicorn stallions all holding portable toilets in their magic. “Yes, we do, ma’am. We just need Fluttershy to sign right here.”

“Um, okay,” Fluttershy said as she grasped the proffered pen in her mouth and signed the clipboard that was held in a cerise glow. The stallion nodded. “Thank you, Miss Fluttershy. Where would you like us to put them?”

“Wherever you think is okay…” she said.

The stallion nodded, then turned his head back and yelled. “Come on, boys! Let’s place these potties!”

The sixty-two stallions saluted him and barked back, “Yes, sir!” and swarmed the field, placing toilets everywhere.

Fluttershy turned towards Twilight. “You know, I don’t remember ordering any toilets.”

Twilight grinned. “That’s because I had Pinkie forge your signature!”

Fluttershy’s eyes popped open. “How much did this cost?”

Twilight looked up into the air. “Uh, three thousand, seven hundred and eighty bits.”

Fluttershy facehooved. “Rainbow Dash and Pinkie owe me a cartload of money after this.”

Twilight chuckled. “Don’t worry, Fluttershy. After this, we’ll be swimming in bits!” Twilight then sighed. “It’s a good thing I ran into you. I wanted to check on the medical tents.”

Fluttershy nodded and led Twilight to a white tent. “Here we have Rarity’s medical tent,” Fluttershy said, “it’s stitched from polybenzimidazole, making it fire retardant. Let me show you inside.”

“Okay,” Twilight said as Fluttershy led her inside. Inside were many bottles of water along with pouches lining the inside of the tent.

“I’ve stocked the tent with lots of water, because dancing can be dehydrating, not to mention the methylenedioxymethamphetamine,” Fluttershy said as she gestured to the bottles of water. She then trotted to one of the pouches and pulled out a roll of gauze. “And here we have gauze and medical tape to treat all sorts of injuries, big and small.”

Twilight nodded. “Looks good.”

Fluttershy smiled and nodded. “Thank you, I try.”

Twilight smiled. “Nice to see that our medic still has what it needs.” Fluttershy blushed. Twilight nodded again and trotted out of the tent to see Rainbow Dash showboating in the air. Twilight facehooved.

“Rainbow Dash! Get down here!”

Rainbow Dash did a loop-de-loop, then glided down, skidding to a stop in front of Twilight. “S’up?”

Twilight glared at Rainbow Dash. “I left you in charge of the chemicals.”

Rainbow Dash guffawed. “Oh, I’ve already got that taken care of,” she said. She then held her hoof to the side of her mouth and yelled, “Fred! Come here!” A mule wearing saddlebags that Twilight hadn’t noticed before trotted up to them.

“Yes, Rainbow Dash?” Fred said.

“Just stand there,” Rainbow Dash said to Fred as she waved Twilight over. Twilight trotted over as Rainbow Dash flipped open the saddlebag to reveal various amounts of ketamine, LSD, cannabis, and MDMA.

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “What’s this?” she asked.

Rainbow Dash grinned smugly. “You see, I figured instead of having all the party favors at a tent, which’ll cause a way long line, I’d load up the goods on mules who’ll wander around the rave selling their wares.”

Twilight stared at Rainbow Dash. “So, they’re drug mules.”

Rainbow Dash nodded excitedly. “Exactly! I’m glad you see things my way.”

Twilight shook her head. “Well, while I can’t exactly deny the efficiency of this approach, you do realize this will create more work for me, right?”

Rainbow Dash waved a hoof at Twilight. “What, sign a few more papers? We got this in the bag, Twi. Don’t you worry your pretty little head.”

Twilight stared at Rainbow Dash again. Twilight blinked. “You think my head’s pretty?”

Rainbow Dash chortled as she slapped Twilight on the withers. “Turn of phrase, girl. Now why don’t you go check on Pinkie and Discord?”

Twilight’s eyes popped open. “Did you say...Pinkie and...Discord?”

Rainbow Dash nodded. “Yup?”

Twilight grabbed Rainbow Dash. “Where are they?”

Rainbow Dash looked away. “Behind the barn…”

“Thanks,” Twilight said as she galloped off to behind the barn.

When she reached it, she found nopony or nodraconequus there, much to her confusion. She then heard giggling coming from inside the barn. She shook her head and teleported inside.

Inside was unlike anything she had ever seen before. There were various objects, all glowing. Pinkie then popped out of the pile wearing a pair of flashing sunglasses.

“Look at me, I’m Vinyl!” she shouted, “I wear my sunglasses at night!” Twilight facehooved and giggled. Discord then popped in, along with various colored shafts which dropped on Pinkie.

“So,” Discord said, “what do you think of my haul?”

Twilight looked around in wonder. “What are these? I’ve never seen anything quite like it.”

Discord chuckled. “They’re glowsticks, silly!”

Twilight stared at Discord. “Where did you get these? I don’t think anything like this exists in Equestria.”

Discord looked around uneasily. “...somewhere?”

Twilight shook her head. “I knew I wouldn’t get a straight answer from you. So, how do they work?”

Discord smiled with glee as he picked up a fifteen-inch pink rod. “Like this,” he said as he cracked the rod, whereupon it glowed with an intense brilliance. Twilight’s eyes widened in awe.

“How does that work?”

Discord shrugged. “Search me. You’re the sciencey type, after all.”

Twilight shook her head. “What I mean is, are they dangerous?”

Discord stared at Twilight and crossed his arms. “Now why would that be a problem?”

Twilight grunted. “Discord, we have earth ponies attending. What if somepony breaks it open and drinks the liquid inside?”

Discord tapped his chin and furrowed his brow. “Hmmm, hadn’t thought of that.” He then snapped his fingers, teleporting Vinyl into the room, who looked around confusedly.

She said, “Huh?”

Discord floated over to Vinyl and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “Vinyl, would you be a dear and drink the contents of one of these glowsticks?”

Vinyl lowered her sunglasses and squinted at the various glowing objects. “Huh. Cool. Okay.” Discord smiled as he cracked a green glowstick open and poured the contents inside Vinyl’s mouth, which she swallowed. They all stared intently at her for a few minutes. “So, what’s supposed to happen to me?”

Twilight smiled. “Nothing, I guess.”

Vinyl grinned, her teeth glowing green. “Okay. Could somepony teleport me back to my equipment?”

“Done!” Twilight said as Vinyl popped out of the room. “So, how long are these things supposed to last?”

Discord put on a pair of reading glasses and popped a tablet into existence. “Well, according to the documentation on their website, they’re supposed to last eighteen to twenty-four hours,” he said as he slid his talon across the screen.

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “What’s a website?” Twilight then peered to the tablet that Discord was holding. “More importantly, what is that?”

Discord’s eyes popped open as he snapped his fingers and the tablet disappeared. “Nothing you need to worry about,” he said with a nervous laugh.

Twilight facehooved. “Discord, I swear you are so random sometimes!”

“No swearing!” Pinkie shouted, “that’s rude!”

Discord nodded. “I agree. It’s very unbecoming of a Princess to swear.”

Twilight shook her head. “No, I wasn’t actually swearing—”

“—then why did you say you were?” Pinkie asked.

Twilight gritted her teeth. “It’s just an expression.”

“An expression of swearing,” Discord said.

Twilight facehooved. “No, it’s just–you know what, forget it. Having this conversation with one of you would be taxing enough. Both of you, forget it. I’m out.” Twilight then teleported out of the barn when she spotted somepony that made her smile with glee. Grinning from ear to ear, she teleported to her target.

“Shiny! I’m so glad you could make it!”

Shining Armor smiled and tousled Twilight’s hair. “Me too, Twiley.”

Twilight stared at the box that Shining Armor was towing in his magic. “What’s that, Shiny?”

Shining Armor looked up at the box, then back at Twilight. “It’s a special delivery from Crystal Empire Foods. It’s apparently liquor that doesn’t cause a hangover.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “How does it work?”

Shining Armor shrugged. “I have no idea. I kinda zoned out when Cadance was explaining it to me.”

Twilight giggled. “I bet she was pretty mad when she realized that.”

Shining Armor shook his head. “She had no idea. I just smiled and nodded. You know how she gets with all that sciencey stuff.”

Twilight nodded. “Don’t I know it!” Twilight then looked at the box. “You should probably get that over to Applejack so she can set it up.

Shining Armor nodded. “Will do!” He then trotted over in Applejack’s direction.

Twilight smiled. This night is going to be perfect!