April's Fool!

by Ephemeral Memory

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Human, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 2849

Paintball gun? Check. Loaded? Check. Aim, ready, FIRE!

It's the big day! Here I am, with my Tacoma AK-47 paintball gun, ready to pull one over my buddy (Revenge is sweet.) when suddenly, I'm not in the right place anymore! Hey! What gives? Just let me prank in peace!

Note: I realize it isn't April 1st, but I have to vent my frustrations over not being able to prank on that glorious day somehow. Plus, it's the last day of April!
Really, I'm not sure what possessed me to write this piece...but whatever, I hope you find it enjoyable enough!

Note 2: Re: Alternate Luna Version. Uh...extra tag: "Tragic Comedy" :x

Published 2014-04-30 14:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2018-07-20 04:21:36 UTC

People are weird.

“HAAAAPPY APRIL FOOLS' DAY, YA FOOOOL!”

Out peppered the blue paintball pellets to the target in front of me.
It only took about fifteen before I realized I wasn’t even in the same place anymore. (Yes, I know, fifteen too many for a decent player, but I was excited!)

“What the-”

I lowered my brand-spankin’ new Tacamo AK-47 and took off my helmet. I was in this giant hallway room thing that probably existed only in castles. Long red carpet rolled right up to the throne, where, in front of me sat what used to be an alabaster horse. Blue pretty much coated her barrel, front legs and hooves, and win-

What kinda person dresses up their horse like that? And what’s up with that mane. Some kinda fan installed behind that there throne?

Before shooting, I had dialed down the pressure a bit cause my target was an unsuspecting friend. We were tossing my football back an’ forth -but not before I had hidden my paintball gear behind the live oaks in his one-acre backyard. When he had gone back in the house for a couple minutes, I had set up, waiting for him to get back out. Watching him approach, I jumped out as soon as he got within twenty-five feet and, well, landed here apparently.

Well, anyway, the horse didn’t look like it was in pain, so I was grateful for that. It did look surprised though, what, with those wide pink eyes staring -

Who the hell makes freakin’ horse-eye contacts?

Now that I looked closer, the animal was shaped kinda strangely for a horse, but whatever.

A horse is a horse, I guess, and with all those weird modifications, its appearance probably shouldn’t surprise me. What I should do is probably calm down the poor shocked thing. I didn’t like much hurtin’ anything.

I left my equipment on the ground and took a step forward. It tensed up, and I shifted my gaze to the side a bit.

Softly, I spoke, “It’s alright, horsey. I’m sorry for markin’ ya. I didn’t mean to. In fact, I don’t even know how I got here. Uh..I’m just gonna go look for yer owner now. Don’t worry, I’ll get ya cleaned up good soon ‘nuff.”

When I looked back at it, the thing looked pissed.

At least it ain’t shocked no more.

I raised my hands up in some kind of placating gesture and half-shouted, “Woah, there! Good horsey! I ain’t gonna hurt ya!”

Then, more calmly, I said, “Now, just stay put, and I’ll figure somethin’ out. I’ll even go look for an apple or two as an apology.”

I don’t know why I bothered talking to it. The fire in its eyes only blazed higher.

“Ya don’t got rabies, do ya? Or maybe mad horse disease?” I idly commented.

The freakin’ thing flared its wings and pounced right toward me, landing just three feet from me. Its hooves cracked the marble floor.

“You have exactly no time to explain why you trespassed upon the castle grounds, assaulted me, and then insulted me in such a manner,” growled a feminine voice.

“That is a really cool costume,” I heard myself reply, “Looks all realistic and what not.”

The horse costume’s left eye twitched, and an ear swiveled.

“Dang, girl, ya just got all them details down!”

“You. Wretched. LITTLE. APE.”

I whistled in admirement.

“Wow. Yer pretty good at the -what’s it called now?- roleplayin’ thing! I can’t even see a delay between yer voice and the mouth!” I complimented, “Whoo-wee, ya even got the growl jus’ right! Though, I’m not sure what kinda horse growls. ‘Least it sounds might intimidating.”

The costume facepalmed.

Or is it facehooved? Whatever.

“I’ve had enough of your insolence,” it muttered angrily.

The costume’s eyes seemed to glare at me.

“In case you haven’t noticed,” it spoke icily, “I am NOT a costume. In fact, I think it is in my and Equestria’s best interests that such a foul creature as you is sent-”

Here, it reared up, tossing its head up dramatically, and shot her left hoof upward.

“-to the MOOOOOOON!”

What the hell kinda-retarded-line was that?

Her eyes bored into mine, as I just blankly stared back, unimpressed. Five minutes passed before the glow of the horn on her costume sputtered out. The costume blinked.

“I win the staring contest!” I blurted.

It was an instant reaction. My hand smacked me on the face (It was a dumb comment!) just as my feet felt the ground leave me. I looked down to notice that I was now ten feet high. My jaw dropped.

“How are ya doin’ that!? Ye one of them professional magicians from Las Vegas?” I wiggled around, feeling for strings.

“What does Las Pegasus have to do- No, nevermind. How are you not terrified of being sent -to the MOOOOOON- when all my other subjects are startled to the point of stuttering and stumbling away?” she questioned.

This girl’s a freakin’ pro-magician and roleplayer and cosplayer. Or she’s just bananas.

“Uh...why would I be? I know ya don’t have rockets and that I’m floatin’ cause of some invisible string contraption that even I can’t feel. Also, that golden glowy effect ye got around me is pretty neat. And, uh, ye mind puttin’ me down? I like it better with my feet on the ground,” I replied.

The horse face frowned and inquired further, “You do realize that this is magic, right?”

“Psh. Magic ain’t real. Yer just a pro-magician-roleplayer-cosplayer. I ain’t gonna believe ‘til ya follow through with yer -to the MOOOON- nonsense,” I mocked.

I’ll admit. I ain’t the brightest bulb in the box. A flash of light was the only warning I got before I landed on some gray rock. I briefly noted that Earth looked a bit different than what I usually saw on the maps before another flash hit me. I was back in the throne room. Thankfully, I was back on the floor.

“Now do you believe?” asked the girl with a smug expression on the horse face.

“Well, while I’m amazed that ye could bring me in and back out of the room with just a couple flashes without me even feelin’ movement, ya got the details of Earth wrong in that room of yours. Aaaand, I wouldn’t be able to breathe if that there was the Moon.”

She sighed exasperatedly.

“I used magic so that you wouldn’t die on the Moon, and what you saw was Equestria.”

An explanation for everythin’, huh?

“Time out, time out! None o’ this magic horses and Equester business. Pause yer little roleplayin’ for a moment!” I began seriously, “I’ve had some fun an’ all. Your costume’s beautiful, and I’m mighty sorry for messin’ it up. I can help ye wash it, but can ya tell me first why ye kidnapped me to this here place? I was hangin’ out with my buddy, and the next thing I knew, I was here! Also, where is here?!”

The horse’s mouth opened to speak but then closed without a word. Several times.

After a minute, she asked, “You’re serious?”

“Why wouldn’t I be? Now, if ye don’t mind, I’d like to hear some answers.”

“Prepare yourself.”

Huh?

“You are in Equestria. Not Earth -wherever this is. Some magical mishap must have forced you here. I am not a horse. I am a pony. In fact, if you were to go outside and call my subjects a horse, you will most likely be beaten for it. More seriously, this is not a costume. I do not know why you would assume I am,” she explained.

Who does she think she is? Toying with me like that..

I scowled at her.

“If ya ain’t gonna give me some straight answers, I’m just gonna find the exit.”

I turned my back and took several steps before I found myself floating again with the golden aura surrounding me.

“I’m not fooling around...What’s your name? And, if you don’t mind my asking, what are you?”

“Not gonna tell ya. Now put me down!” I yelled.

“Well, Not-gonna-tell-ya, my name is Celestia, and I suggest that you calm down. You are fortunate that I sent my Royal Guards on an errand right before your appearance. If they saw you whenever you..- Anyway, as I was saying, I am being absolutely serious with you.”

I groaned in frustration.

“Can ya please just let me outta here? I’m tired of yer nonsense, and I just wanna head back home and apologize to my friend for ditchin’ him,” I pleaded.

She gave me a look of pity and released me.

“Finally!” I exclaimed, picking up my gear, “It’s kinda been nice knowin’ ya.”

I hurried off before she could change her mind with her crazy invisible strings. As soon as I left though, a crazier sight I beheld through the nearby window.

Where the hell do all these costumes come from?!

Horses -or ponies, whatever- were everywhere. Their outfits included wings, horns, armor, suits -you name it.

This some kinda crazy horse-pony convention?

Needless to say, I had no clue where I was. I turned around again and busted back into the throne room. The horse girl, still painted in blue, was staring at me knowingly.

“Welcome back, Not-gonna-tell-ya.”

ARGGGGGH. What is wrong with this place?!

Author's Note

There ya have it. Strange story from a stranger mind. <:D

Hope the piece was satisfactory.

Also, though not really a serious one (pretty OOC Celestia), constructive criticism anywhere is greatly appreciated!

Thanks for reading!

Optional ending just to mess with you:

"Happy April Fools', man!" I heard my buddy shout.

I don't understand anything anymore.

Alternate Luna Version

“HAAAAPPY APRIL FOOLS' DAY, YA FOOOOL!”

Out peppered the blue paintball pellets to the target in front of me but not before everything suddenly went dark.

“What the-” I blinked once. Twice. I looked around frantically. Where the hell- The ground left my feet, and I felt air brush past my face. A lurch in my stomach was the only warning before a hard surface greeted my backside violently. "OW." I reached to rub my head, except that I couldn't.

"KNAVE, HOW DAREST THOU ACCOST US," yelled some angry woman.

At this point, somehow some weird voodoo magician had me splayed out, several feet up, pressed against the wall. My paintball gun was somehow floating near - What is that. A horse costume? A glimpse later, my head was turned sideways, pressed against the wall. It looked blue. And some fan was making its weird mane move around. And..the eyes are huuuge. This kinda hur-

I heard a brief intake and exhale of air, and in a slightly lower volume, she angrily inquired, "What manner of foul curse hast thou laid upon Us?" There was a brief silence. "And...what. Is this -" Several things were clacking on the ground in place, echoing through the dark. "- this..filth." Whatever was holding my head relaxed, so I faced it back at the costume, which was inspecting itself and gingerly poking the paintball mess on her. Wait..a human can't fit in that. Maybe some amazin' speakers and robot. She made the robot stare at me with what I could've sworn was a venomous glint. "Explain thyself," she growled. Finally.

"Uh, well, first off, erm, sorry for messin' up yer costumed ro-."

Its head shot back in shock. "COSTUME?" I cringed. Well, tried to. "WHAT DOST THO -"

"OKAY! Okay, please for the love of God, stop yelling! Or, at least let me down, so I can cover my ears!" I complained. Her eyes twitched. "Please?" She somehow cut whatever strings had held me, and I fell in an ungraceful heap. "Oww.."

"Hark." I looked up warily. "Any suspicious movements, and We will restrain thee again. Now-"

"Hey, uh, whoever you are -" The robot's wings flared out. "-can you speak in modern English?" How does she make that horse robot frown so hard? It's kinda funny how scrunched up its face is.

She muttered, "English? Is that what it is called these days? Hmm..Nay! We- I am certain Sister mentioned it was still 'Ponish.'"

Ponish? Really? "Timeout! Can we stop with this roleplayin' or whatever you're doin'? Again, I'm sorry for messin' up yer robot, and I'd be glad to help ye wash it off. But, uh, I'd like to know how ya brought me here..and where is here."

The robot stared at me dumbfoundedly. "Dost thou bethink Us a daw?"

I facepalmed, and the robot stepped back with a single front hoof raised. "Look, I just want to l leave. The paint ain't hard to wash out -just use water. Uh..carefully." At this point, the robot was looking me over. "That's weird. Can ye please talk to me in person -or heck, just show me the exit!"

"Thou dost not hail from Equestria," she stated, basically ignoring everything I was saying.

"Oh, come o-" Its hoof raised in a maybe universal sign of "shut up." I rolled my eyes and looked around. Yup, still pretty dark. As my eyes adjusted, they took in the sheer size of this place. A distinct aroma tickled my nose. Lavenders!

"- must be them again. To think a being from another world -"

Still roleplaying. Carefully, I began scooting towards the thing that looked like a door. I checked back at the robot. Are there cameras in here? Is this all part of some freakin' prank?

"-hath a distinct lack of magic signature. Resembleth no-"

Quietly, I shifted onto my knees and began crawling, keeping my shoes away from the ground. Naw, this is a pain. I rolled back onto my butt.

“-similar to Twilight Sparkle’s reports of-”

Carefully, I slipped my shoes off. And returned to crawling more comfortably.

“-mayhaps the being had-” I heard the horse thing sniffing. She choked out, “Wha- This odor offendeth Us!”

“Nooooo.” I whispered to myself as I booked it to the door. Should’ve used baking soda!

“Desist thy escape, crea- hooman!”

My fingers brushed the door just as the strings captured me again. “Oh, come on! Just let me go already! How’d ye even lasso me from there?!” This must be some special string. Can’t feel it. “Must be the Punjab lasso,” I darkly thought.

“Worry not, hooman. We can return thee to thy dwelling,” placated the horse robot.

I swiveled my head, well, tried to. She turned me around. “Really?” I exclaimed hopefully. She’s done with the actin’ and everything?

“Indeed.” A blue flash of light temporarily blinded me.

I groaned. “I...don’t feel so good.”

We were in a different place now. The robot looked at me with concern. She uttered, “Ah,” as I bent over, clutching my stomach. “Thou art unaccustomed to magic.”

“Oh dear Lord, please don’t start roleplayin’ again. Just send me home. I’m beggin’ ya!”

“That would be for the best,” agreed the robot, which rolled its eyes.

“Thank you!” I proclaimed gratefully. “Now...why are we here?” It was pretty and everything with crystal columns and random antiques everywhere.

“The location is of no import. What doth matter is that.” A hoof pointed at a mirror.

“Ya high or somethin’?” I asked doubtfully.

She answered, “We are, indeed, elevated, but as We said, that is of no import.”

“And a mirror is?”

“This is no ordinary mirror. It is a gateway to another world -thy world.” My heart sank. She inspected the mirror. “It appeareth to be functioning yet. Go now lest thou stayest for another thirty moons.”

I whimpered, “You’re actually roleplayin’ again?”

She snorted. “Get thee to the mirror.”

I refused to budge and crossed my arms instead. “I ain’t gonna stand by lettin’ ya play me a fool!”

The robot facepalmed. Facehoofed? Her strings forcefully tugged me right before the mirror. I raised a brow. It actually grinned. “Upon reflection, thou hast made this night quite interesting.”

“Huh?”

“Fare thee well.” The robot reared up and shoved me backwards.

Suddenly, I was engulfed by bright, rainbow colors. “AHHHHHHH!” I’M GONNA DIE! As soon as it started, it was over, and I faceplanted onto concrete. The same sensation as before overtook me, wrenching at my guts. “Urghh..” At least it’s over.

“Woah! You’re from...Equestria. Are you okay?” I heard a gasp. With urgency, she spoke, “Is everything there okay? Why’d they send you here?”

It’s...it’s not over. With dawning horror, I slowly raised myself and looked around. No more robots, but all the people had dyed their bodies. Like in a God dang color run.

I fainted.

Author's Note

FYI, if you're confused as to why Celestia's reaction is so much weirder/outlandish, it's cause she was having fun while figuring out what was up with the being in front of her.

Luna, in this case, well, you read(?) for yourself.
Maybe there exist people who scroll to the bottom before reading the story..

:raritycry: That one scene, I really wanted Luna to shout: "THIS. IS. EQUESTRIA!"
C'est la vie.