Straight Woman in Equestria
I blinked open my eyes and sat up. A pair of big, purple eyes looked into mine.
“Wow, I can’t believe it! Lyra was right all along!” Twilight Sparkle exclaimed, “Humans are real.”
“Twilight? The pony from that show?” I muttered, my head throbbing from whatever force brought me here.
“And a female, too,” she noted happily, “Come on! Princess Celestia told me that if my spell worked, I was to bring you to the Golden Oaks Library as soon as possible.”
“Why?” I asked as I stood up and followed her through the pastel colored landscape.
“She wants to have a proper diplomatic introduction for our first meeting with an alien.”
“Oh, okay.”
We traipsed through the town I recognized as Ponyville, all its colorful inhabitants staring at me with amazement. I started to feel a little self-conscious. Before long, we reached the towering tree-home. Twilight opened the door and eagerly beckoned me inside.
“Have a seat on the couch,” she instructed, “The princess will be here shortly.”
“Uhm, okay…”
I sat stiffly on the couch as she sat beside me. Right beside me. Like, practically on my lap. I coughed. Haven’t ponies ever heard of personal space? It was already freaky enough just being here.
“So, you used magic to bring me here?” I asked, trying to distract myself from the uncomfortable situation.
“Yep. I tried using a new spell I learned in order to reach out to other universes, but I’m not sure I was able to connect properly. I had intended to bring several more humans here. Maybe, uh…” she trailed off, suddenly blushing slightly. I was utterly confused.
“What?”
“Maybe if you touch my horn, it will help me get a feeling for your universe. I might be able to do better next time. Please?”
How can I say no to big puppy-dog eyes like that? I hesitantly reached out and touched the base of her horn with the tip of my finger. It was hard and strangely warm. She grunted softly.
“I don’t feel anything,” she said, “Maybe if you grab the whole thing…”
Feeling incredibly uncomfortable, I grasped her horn with my whole hand. I could almost feel the magic pulsing through it.
“Mmm…” she breathed, her eyes closed, “Now rub it, please.”
“What!?”
“Please? It helps a lot.”
Closing my eyes, I began to rub her horn. I was feeling incredibly dirty. There was something wrong with this pony. Was I teleported to some gross fanfiction-inspired universe by accident?
“Twilight! I came as quick as I could,” called a voice from the doorway.
I breathed a sigh of relief and let go of Twilight’s horn. She groaned as we both turned toward the door. Princess Celestia stood there in all her splendor, her beautiful white wings open.
“Am I… interrupting something?” she asked.
“No, your highness.”
“Good. I am Princess Celestia, ruler of this land.” She bowed slightly. “You must be the human I have heard about.”
“Yes, your highness. My name is Abigail.” I bowed in return.
“Please, call me Tia,” she smiled, “Come, let us go to the meeting room.”
I followed the alicorn up the stairs, trying my best not to look at her rump as I followed her. Stupid naked ponies. We shortly came to… a bedroom. Damn it. Very slowly, the princess removed her vestments and laid on the bed, her rear facing me, with a sultry smile on her face. My mouth hung open from the sheer shock of it all.
“Like what you see?” she asked, misinterpreting my body language.
Behind us, a soft knock came from the door.
“Princess?” Twilight called from behind it, “Do you need anything? Can I come in?”
“No, Twilight,” she called back, slightly miffed, “Just leave us be for, I don’t know… an hour or two?” She smirked in my direction.
Okay, I had enough. I was putting my foot down, right now.
“Princess, I don’t know what you’re planning to do. Actually, yes I do. But I’m sorry to say that I’m straight.”
“Straight?” she asked, thoroughly confused.
“Yes, so I’m afraid I don’t desire to, uh, have sex with you.”
“Oh,” she muttered, suddenly looking very downcast. I felt guilty. I know what it’s like to be rejected, and I could see that feeling reflected in her eyes. But at least now everypony will know that I’m…
“It’s because I’m white, isn’t it?”
“No, I’m—what?” I stammered.
“It’s okay. I understand that everyhuman has preferences.”
“That’s not…”
“My sister is of a more ebony complexion, if you prefer the dark meat. I can summon her here, if you want.”
“But…”
“But you’ll let me watch, won’t you?”
“AHHHHH!”
I screamed at the top of my lungs. Why is everypony a homosexual? It’s driving me nuts! I ripped open the bedroom door and bolted past Twilight, whose ear had been placed against it. She blushed deeply. I couldn’t care less. Flying out of the door of the library, I started running away from all the candy colored houses. I had to find a stallion, god damn it, if just so they would listen to me long enough to help me get back to Earth!
I was knocked over by a rainbow with such force that I tumbled over myself several times, landing in a heap of mud with a blue pony laying on top of me. Damn it.
“Hey, sorry about that,” the pegasus said, “I was on my way to Twilight’s. I heard… Anyway, uh, what’s going on?”
“Rainbow Dash,” I groaned, my ribs burning, “What do you want?”
“Oh, nothing,” she lied, “Do you want to hang out? I was going to practice some tricks, maybe you'd like to watch?"
"That's it?" A pony who wanted to do something non-cloppy with me? What?
"Well, then I was hoping maybe you’d like to get some drinks? Head back to my place? Have freaky alien lesbian sex?”
Of course. “Rainbow Dash, you’re not being the least bit subtle.”
“What’s that?”
“Subtlety, Rainbow Dash,” called another voice, “Is when you don’t just state your intentions to the person you are trying to bed.” I turned around to see Rarity the unicorn casually trotting towards us. “Really, Rainbow, I’m surprised you’ve gotten any mare at all, with talk like that.”
“Hey, at least I get to the point,” she answered angrily.
“Come now, my dear,” Rarity turned towards me, ignoring her, “You look positively dreadful. You’re all muddy from your encounter with the flying battering ram here. Let’s get you back to my shop and get you out of those dirty clothes…”
“NO NO NO NO NO NO!” I screamed, dashing off as fast as I could.
“…and try on some of my—where’d she run off to?”
I ran. My mind was numb. These horny ponies were driving me mad! I dashed by the market, where Applejack called something out to me. I ignored her. I already knew what she wanted. I dashed by Sugarcube Corner, where Pinkie Pie blasted me with confetti as I passed. I kept running and running, avoiding mares left and right. Were there no stallions in this homosexual town? Were there no asexuals? Or ponies that didn’t want to get laid right now?
At long last, my legs gave out, and I stumbled. I breathed heavily, lying on the ground, a hair’s breadth away from passing out. Sighing in defeat, I pulled myself to the nearest bench and sat panting. In my exhaustion, I didn’t notice that the bench was already occupied.
“Oh my Celestia,” the mint unicorn gasped, “Are you, I mean, can it be?”
“Yes, I’m a girl,” I groaned. Screw this. It would probably be easier just to let myself get molested than keep running from the entire population.
“That’s so cool!” she said, making a Dash-face.
“That’s great, Lyra,” I deadpanned, “You mind if I ask you something?”
“Anything.”
“Is every pony in this world a homosexual?”
“Pretty much,” she smiled, “Everypony but me.”
I did a double take. “You’re not?”
“Nope! Everypony else is, though. I frankly don’t understand it.”
“You and me both!” I laughed ecstatically.
“Hey, this may sound kind of weird,” she said, “But, uhm… do you mind if I look at your hands?”
I shrugged. She grinned and grabbed my right hand in her hooves, prodding and bending every finger and tracing the lines of my palm. It kind of tickled. I turned my head and giggled at the feeling.
“I’m glad I finally have somepony who isn't completely crazy to talk to,” I started, “I was…”
I stopped quickly. My fingers were suddenly very warm, and wet. I yanked them out of her mouth angrily.
“I thought you said you weren’t homosexual!?” I yelled.
“I’m not,” Lyra smiled, “I’m homo-sapien-sexual.”
Author's Note
This story is stupid, and I should feel stupid.
Written in an hour to see if I could. Also, I might have been drunk.
