Inspection Day
At half-past-noon on the dot, there was a knock at the door of Mayor Mare’s house.
It was roughly at this time that Mayor Mare’s heart attempted a spontaneous self-destruct sequence.
The attempt, such as it was, proved strikingly unsuccessful.
At three-minutes-past-half-past-noon on the dot, Mayor Mare, with the aid of a shot glass of cold apple cider, finally worked up the nerve to answer the door.
It was, of course, the Royal Inspector.
He stood as a monument to all that discerns—a grizzled white pegasus pony whose piercing stare burrowed straight into the Mayor’s soul. The political scene whispered dark tales of his comings. Rumors abounded of towns destroyed by his powers of perception and small cities razed by his critical gaze. He was a demon, the likes of which Mayor Mare had never before encountered, and it was only because Celestia is a vengeful and angry goddess that he had come to Ponyville.
It was entirely possible that he had noticed a three minute delay between his first knock and the opening of the door.
“Why—Why—hello there,” she said, forcing her face into an approximation of a smile. “What can I help you with?”
“Royal Inspector, ma’am,” he responded, holding up a license. “Ponyville’s scheduled inspection begins now.”
“The—the inspection?”
“You did receive the letter informing you that there would be one this week?”
“I... Erm...”
“Town Hall claimed that no such letter arrived. They directed me to you.”
“That’s, uh, unusual. But, if you’ll... if you’ll follow me, I’m sure we can get you s-started.”
She took a few shaky steps out the door, acutely aware that he was scrutinizing every possible sign of weakness. This did not stop her from sweating bullets, or shaking in her horseshoes, but it did have the unfortunate effect of making the Mayor very self-conscious. She could see it now—beneath his stoic expression and unshaved five-o’-clock shadow, he was already preparing to rip her to shreds. The game is up, she realized. This beautiful, wonderful, horrible town is ruined.
I’m ruined!
Then the cider kicked in.
No. No. No. This isn’t the end! Can’t be. She had plans for just this sort of thing, didn’t she? Contingency procedures drawn up over long sleepless nights, made specifically for the day that Canterlot would actually send an inspector. Surely her bacon could yet be saved with the help of such schemes...
As well as a solid combination of improvisation and spin that would hold her over until she could remember one of them.
“Ahem,” coughed the Royal Inspector. “Ma’am? Are you all right?”
Oh, right. The inspection. That’s still going on.
It was to Mayor Mare’s great disappointment that time does not stop when a personal revelation occurs. Otherwise it might have been acceptable to lapse into what seemed an awful lot like a standing coma.
“I’m perfectly fine. Thank you for asking!” she said, with a bit more enthusiasm than necessary. “I was just stopping to admire, ah, Ponyville’s amazingly scenic view of the sun.”
The Royal Inspector stared up at the sun, which looked exactly the same as it did when seen from the rest of Equestria.
“If you say so, ma’am.”
“I do! Now, if you’ll follow me, I’ll lead you through town for the inspection.”
Spin, spin, spin. That’s all she needed to do. Twist the truth around until it came out looking like something completely presentable. The Mayor felt herself easing into the routine a bit more. She knew this. She’d lied-without-really-lying every election year since she got into the business. Why, of course she was talented enough to make Ponyville look like a halfway decent town. How could there ever have been any doubt?
The first stop on the tour was the Ponyville Library, which thankfully wasn’t all that far away. The Royal Inspector followed her closely and quietly as she led him along, his eyes furtively focused on every little thing they passed by. He didn’t give voice to any of his undoubtedly-numerous concerns, but the Mayor was fully aware that Ponyville would not speak well for itself.
The Library, however, was vaguely worth being proud of. It was a beautiful piece of work—a building fashioned directly from a hollowed-out oak tree. From top to bottom, everything looked professional and well-maintained. The windows and balconies were in excellent repair, the tree seemed to be in the tip-top of shape, and even the signs had been freshly repainted.
It was not a coincidence that the Royal Inspector had been brought here first.
“As you can see,” said the Mayor. “Ponyville places great pride in its devotion to learning. We are very committed to the continuing growth of the minds of the, uh—education—and increasing importance of... We are very committed to making sure our community has plenty of books.”
The Royal Inspector gave it a quick glance.
“Interesting architecture,” he said.
“Oh yes,” she agreed.
Awkward silence.
“Mayor!” said a voice from behind the two of them. “And the Royal Inspector! What are you two doing together?”
The voice belonged to Twilight Sparkle, who just happened to be the one pony the Mayor needed to see right then.
“Twilight Sparkle!” said the Mayor. “It’s so good that you could be here with us today!”
The Royal Inspector perked up at the sound of the name. His eyes turned slowly away from the Library and directed their fearsome power to the purple mare standing behind him.
“Is that you, Twilight?” he asked. He smiled—the first time the Mayor had ever seen him do such a thing. “It’s been ages since the last time I saw you!”
Twilight giggled. “Same here, Are-Eye.”
“Oh, so you both know each other,” the Mayor interrupted, wasting no time in turning this to her advantage. “Excellent! Twilight, could I speak with you privately for a moment?”
“Of course.”
The Royal Inspector raised no objections to this request, though he did raise his eyebrows a bit. It wasn’t entirely clear as to what he suspected, but the Mayor didn’t dare to take any chances. She wanted to be very well sure that both she and Twilight were far out of earshot before saying anything.
Two more steps; maybe another twenty, aaaaand—
The Mayor threw herself at Twilight’s hooves.
“Twilight!” she begged. “You neeeeed to tell the Royal Inspector to go easy on Ponyville.”
Twilight blinked. “What?”
“Ponyville is being inspected today! By him! We’re doomed unless you help us!”
Twilight processed this news until comprehension at last dawned on her face. She laughed a bit and gave the Mayor a reassuring smile. “Mayor, I think you might be overreacting. What could Are-Eye possibly find wrong with Ponyville?”
“Are you kidding?” the Mayor shrieked. “Look at this place!”
Twilight stared to the left. Then to the right. Nothing but sunshine, sweetness, and smiles, so far as the eye could see. “Looks fine to me,” she said.
“And him!” the Mayor cried, pointing a hoof at the Royal Inspector. It was hard to tell from roughly fifty yards out, but he appeared to be scratching his chin. “See? See how much he hates this place already?”
“Are-Eye? Come on. He’d never—”
The Mayor put on her best pouting face. The one that had always managed to get her the crucial sentimental vote.
“Twilight, please. I’m begging you. Property values have been down the tubes ever since that Ursa Minor showed up. And the bunny stampede. And Cerberus. Do you know how awful ‘randomly subject to disaster’ looks to potential homeowners?” She flailed around a bit for emphasis. “Do yoooouuu knooooooow?”
“I... no?”
“Everything depends on a good evaluation from the Royal Inspector.” A teardrop fell from her eyealways effective. “I’m so desperate that I had to intercept the scheduling letter to keep Town Hall from screwing things up.”
Twilight’s jaw dropped. “I didn’t hear that. You didn’t say that.”
Horsefeathers, I said that out loud.
Nothing damaged that couldn’t be fixed, though. She sulked and sniffled a bit more until Twilight finally felt more sorry for her than disgusted. “Mayor, I really don’t think you need my help. Ponyville is a nice town. Are-Eye is a nice guy. Everything is going to be fine. It’s best to not get too worked up about these sorts of things. Trust me, I’ve been there.”
The Mayor silently resolved to slash the Library budget next quarter.
More than she’d already been planning.
“O-okay,” she said, wiping the tears off her face. Terrible waste of good bodily fluids, that was. “I’ll try.”
“I’ll leave you two alone, then,” said Twilight, who seemed to think that she’d been any help. “Remember: there’s nothing wrong with Ponyville. It’ll all work out in the end. Trust me.”
And then she trotted off.
Fat lot of good that did.
The Royal Inspector was waiting for her when she returned. He did not look particularly happy. Or particularly angry. With him, though, there was no way to know for sure. Mayor Mare believed it prudent to assume him capable of nothing but hatred and disdain, no matter what Twilight Unhelpful said.
“So where’d Twilight run off to?” he asked gruffly.
“Errands,” she lied. “Stuff. To do. You know how it is.”
“Ah,” he said. “Joy to be around, isn’t she, ma’am?”
The Mayor gave him a blank stare. “...Uh huh.”
“Well then, ma’am, shall we continue with the inspection?”
“Right this way,” she responded. She had no idea as to where to go next, but moving due west didn’t sound like too bad a plan.
A few ponies passed by the Mayor and Royal Inspector as they strolled through the town. Some of them whispered to each other, while others just paused to stare. All of them seemed to be wondering the same thing: Who is this stranger, and what is he doing with the Mayor?
By Celestia, if they only knew, thought Mayor Mare.
“So, if you’ll look to the right,” said the Mayor, pointing to a small collection of huts around Mane Street. “You’ll see some examples of Ponyville’s top-notch residential housing.”
The Royal Inspector turned to the right, and so completely failed to notice the collapsing construction project off to his left. Regardless, he did not look impressed. “Ma’am, do those houses have thatched roofs?”
“Why, yes, of course.”
“Is Ponyville aware that thatched roofs are considered primitive and liable to catch fire?”
Spinning...
“Charming and rustic, I’m sure you meant,” she said, picking up the pace of her trot.
“Ma’am—”
“And if you look over there, away from the rest of the town,” said the Mayor, gesturing at some far-away hills. “You can just see the outline of Sweet Apple Acres, which produces all of the delicious apples for which Ponyville is well-known. Absolutely gigantic apple orchard, you know. Stretches all the way to the borders of the Everfree Forest.”
“I’ve been meaning to speak with you about that, ma’am,” said the Royal Inspector. “Elements in Canterlot have expressed some concern about the town’s safety, considering its proximity to a dangerous patch of untamed wilderness.”
The Mayor moved along a bit faster. “There’s, uh, no need to worry about that,” she said. “I assure you that Ponyville is completely safe, and is in no way endangered by its proximity to the forest.”
“Ma’am, reports have mentioned a recent infestation of Parasprites...”
This is not going very well!
She broke into a gallop, moving as quickly as her hooves could carry her. It did not help much in leaving the Royal Inspector behind, but she hoped that the effort of keeping up with her would distract him from most of Ponyville’s more obvious flaws. That didn’t work very well either, since even at full speed he was still inquiring after the unusually large number of bits the Ponyville budget had set aside for ‘Devastation Repair.’
As if there weren’t a hundred other useless and trivial expenditures in the Ponyville budget! Why not harp on all those extra fountains and statues we keep building? Who even likes those?
So absorbed was she in racing through Ponyville faster than it could be criticized that she almost failed to notice the cliff she’d been galloping toward. That said cliff was at the bottom of a particularly steep hill was not fortuitous, but the Mayor was able to stop just before she fell right off the cliff altogether.
Though she had, for a moment, considered doing the opposite.
“Ma’am!” said the Royal Inspector, who’d had the good sense to slow down before reaching the edge of the cliff. “Are you alright?”
“Fine,” said the Mayor.
“Good.” He stared for a moment off the edge of the cliff. It looked like a very long fall. “Safety regulations dictate that there should be railings here. A carriage would be at serious risk of falling off this cliff.”
The Mayor cringed. “Would you believe that we’ve found it cheaper to rely on the goodwill of vigilante citizens?”
More awkward silence.
“That was an impeccable joke, ma’am.”
The Mayor sighed. There was no amount of self-confidence or Spin that could make Ponyville look even halfway presentable, and, at any rate, the near-death experience had chased all of the cider out of her system. It was time to call in the last resort.
“How big will the bribe have to be?” she asked.
The Royal Inspector’s jaw remained in place. “I didn’t hear that, ma’am. You didn’t say that.”
“Of course not.”
“Now, ma’am,” said the Royal Inspector while holding out a hoof to help her up. “I’m afraid that we’ve gotten off on the wrong hoof.”
“Oh, no, we haven’t. Everything’s fine...”
“Don’t lie to me, ma’am. It doesn’t take a genius to see that you’ve been nervous and twitchy this entire time. Now, I may not have the best reputation, ma’am, but there’s no need to be afraid of me.”
“I deny everything.”
“Ma’am, let me assure you that Ponyville suffers from no problem that can’t be handled with some tee-ell-see. It seems a nice enough place, save for some... minor flaws, so let’s head back into town and see if we can’t work something out.”
This startled the Mayor. She did not have much experience with genuine compassion, especially not from well-known demons, and, indeed, her first inclination was to believe it all an elaborate trick.
“Really?” she asked, hardly daring to believe that he might be telling the truth.
“Well, decent enough that Twilight Sparkle wants to live here,” he said diplomatically.
Though her heart begged her not to trust the one stallion who could ruin her with but a word, the Mayor was tired of fighting the inevitable. If the Royal Inspector wanted to be a merciful victor, she could deal with that. If he were trying to lead her into a trap... well, the situation couldn’t get that much worse.
Perhaps Twilight had been right after all.
As usual.
She took his hoof and trotted back with him toward the town square. It felt good, in a way, to just completely give up. Almost as if Ponyville were no longer her responsibility. It still was, the Mayor knew, but for just a moment, she didn't have to acknowledge it.
Which was enormously therapeutic when lightning struck a nearby house, and the uncomfortably deep voice of Derpy Hooves cried out a “Sorry!”
“Ma’am,” said the Royal Inspector. “We will need to talk about that.”
“Once we get back to town square,” the Mayor replied dreamily. She tried not to notice as the thatched roof of the lightning-struck house, and the roofs of those next to it, caught fire. The additional stress might have ended up giving her a natural gray mane, and she wanted to keep the heady sensation of total apathy for as long as possible.
But it was not to last.
The town square was a mess when the two of them arrived. Ponies were running every which way in panic. Daisy, Lily, or possibly Rose—it was hard to tell which—were moaning something about “the horror.” As the cherry on top, Town Hall had barricaded its doors. A crude Out of Service sign had been hung up outside, and frightened secretaries could occasionally be seen peeking out through the windows.
It wasn’t anything new in Ponyville, but the Mayor had rather hoped that the town could go a week without succumbing to mass hysteria.
“Nothing that, uh, can’t be handled with some tee-ell-see, right?” she told the Royal Inspector.
He did not appear to be very amused. "This appears to be a serious problem, ma'am."
A bright pink earth pony with party balloons for her cutie mark seemed to be contributing to most of the noise. Screaming at the top of her lungs, telling every pony to flee for their lives, etc. etc. The usual Pinkie Pie nonsense.
Mayor Mare grabbed the screaming pony by the tail. “Pinkie Pie!” she yelled, briefly surpassing Pinkie in volume. “What’s going on?”
“Oh, hi, Mayor!” said Pinkie Pie, quickly shifting from panic to her usual cheery demeanor. “I think the dam burst!”
The Royal Inspector tapped on the Mayor's shoulder. “The dam, ma’am?
The Mayor let go of Pinkie’s tail and shrugged. “I can’t possibly guess as to why this has happened. The dam hasn’t cracked in ages.”
Or since last week.
“And it was immediately patched up the last time we found a crack,” she added.
By Rarity and Applejack, who have no experience with dam maintenance whatsoever.
“Don’t forget that other time it got busted open,” Pinkie said. Substantial willpower was required on the Mayor’s part to not strangle her for this.
The Royal Inspector sighed, and a tired sort of look crept onto his face. It seemed that, in light of recent events, he had reached the limits of his extraordinary patience.
“Ma’am,” he said. “I might have said some things back at the edge of town that I’m starting to regret. Ponyville’s status as a habitable location might require some serious revision.”
The Mayor felt herself sinking again. She’d been so close! Ponyville had almost scraped through by the skin of its teeth! All that she’d needed was to avoid a serious disaster.
And what happens? Serious disaster!
She could see herself packing her bags by the end of the week.
“Now, ma’am,” the Royal Inspector said. “I am sincerely sorry, but this—”
“Mayor! Stranger-I’ve-never-seen-before!” Pinkie Pie interrupted. She pointed to her tail. “Twitch-a-twitch! Twitch-a-twitch!”
“—simply cannot be overlooked. If what I have seen today is at all representative of Ponyville, I cannot, in good conscience, allow Canterlot to remain ignorant as to the situation here.”
At precisely that moment, a bowl of petunias materialized in the sky. As objects suspended in the air tend to do, it immediately began to fall.
Oh, not again, it thought, shortly before it landed on the head of the Royal Inspector and knocked him out cold.
The Mayor stared at the unconscious Royal Inspector. Then she looked at Pinkie Pie.
“I won’t say anything about this if you won’t,” she said.
“Nope!” agreed Pinkie, who likely had no clue what was happening.
“Now, go get Twilight to fix up the dam. I need a cold cider.”
