Of Big Mac and Alicorns

by Hustlin Tom

Rating: everyone
Tags: Big Macintosh, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2385

A short satire of the Season 3 finale, Magical Mystery Cure, with the star being the one and only stallion of the Apple family.

This story was written as a parody of the events involved with the Season 3 finale, Magical Mystery Cure. Because if Twilight gets to be an alicorn in the canon, why can't I make anypony an alicorn?

Besides, you know who needs more attention? Big Macintosh.

On the day this idea was brewed up, a strange and altogether surreal story was created, and many laughs were had in the writing. Enjoy!

Cover image belongs to Onnanoko, and can be bought on Redbubble.com for shirts, cards, etc.

Published 2014-05-01 00:40:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-01 00:40:05 UTC

The Alicornicatening(?!?)

It was the height of the summer harvest, and Big Macintosh was out bucking apple trees. It was a simple way of life, living on an apple orchard. It was the only life Big Mac had ever known, and he was content in the regular cycles around the farm, big or small. Buck tree, hoist apple buckets onto back, sell at market, make some honest bits, and repeat. Summer harvest, fall cooking, winter eating, spring pruning. There was no greater satisfaction than consistency.

It was in the west orchard of Sweet Apple Acres that it happened. Big Mac had been going about his routine, when he heard a rumbling sound from the skies directly up above. The weather team had not scheduled any thunderstorms for today; in fact it was meant to be the sunniest and mildest of days possible. Slowly turning his head up, he looked just in time to see a large, seething lightning bolt strike him square in the forehead.

The light from the bolt striking the stallion left a temporary after image all across the local hills in the orchard. Applejack and Apple Bloom had not been too far off when they heard the blast of the thunder and saw the lightning, and they hurried to see what had happened near where Big Mac had been working.

“What the hay just happened?” Apple Bloom exclaimed to her sister as they crested a hill near the valley Big Mac had been working in.

“Ah dunno!” Applejack replied, “Ah’d almost say it was heat lightning, ‘cause there sure ain’t a cloud in sight! If this is Rainbow Dash pullin’ another prank-”

The two of them fell silent as they looked on the titanic stallion that knelt in front of them, in the exact epicenter of the lightning strike. Scorched grass was matted down all around him. A set of dark red wings obscured the stallion’s face from them.

“Hey you!” Applejack yelled in agitation at the stallion, stamping her hoof to the ground, “That’s mighty inconsiderate of you to nearly burn down our orchard! Why don’t’ya show yerself and explain what in tarnation you were tryin’ to pull, flyboy?”

“Applejack?” the stallion asked as he stood up; he looked to his younger sister, “Apple Bloom?”

The shock on the mare’s and the filly’s face was almost comical, as the giant stallion folded his wings back, exposing his sandy headed mane and large horn which now proudly protruded from his forehead. Big Mac’s yoke, which had been untouched by the lightning strike, groaned and snapped as he stood at his new height and full stature. His muscles, which had already been large before, had somehow become larger still, but were also elegantly toned and proportioned. Big Mac looked at himself as best as he could, bringing his wings around and examining them with startled eyes, and then looked up to his horn and felt it cautiously with his right hoof. With his usually eloquent mannerisms and loquaciousness, Big Mac finally commented, “Ah feel..weird.”

“Big Macintosh?” Applejack hesitantly stammered.

“You’re an alicorn!” Apple Bloom blurted in amazement.

Big Mac looked himself over again to confirm what he was seeing was actually real or not, before he finally looked at his littlest sister, and replied with equal parts surprise and confusion, “E-Eeyup!” By some newly acquired instinct, Big Mac spread his wings and flew a few dozen feet in the air, and looked at the ground below. The scorching of the grass around where he had been when the strange lightning had struck was darkened brown, but what was most interesting of all was the shape of the burned grass; it was that of Big Mac’s Cutie Mark.

“This is absolutely impossible!” Twilight Sparkle stammered as she ran from one section of the library to another, her magic grasping several books off the shelves. The three Apple siblings watched her go to and fro as they stood in the center of the library itself. Twilight feverishly skimmed several pages of history, anatomy, any book that could possibly mention a similar transformation to the one that had occurred to Big Mac. Spike, forever faithful assistant that he was, was running and jumping to make sure he could catch all the books that Twilight was throwing out of her telekinetic grip in her frustration when they did not provide her the information she desired. “Over a thousand years of documented history, and never once is there made mention of a seraphic transformation!”

She rushed over to Big Mac, and began prodding and poking him with her cursory spells. The poor farmer was embarrassed by the attention that was being provided him.

“No evidence of Transmutative spells,” Twilight murmured as she flicked his horn. Jabbing the joint behind his new wing bones, Big Mac’s wings flared up reactively as she gave a preliminary measurement to them with a handy tape measure, “No perception altering magic.”

“Ah was just mindin’ mah own business, buckin’ apple trees, when alluva sudden some lightning struck me, and now Ah’m like this!” Big Mac tried to explain again, but Twilight was having none of it.

“Nonono,” she said as she waved her hooves, “You have to have done something to have caused this! Ponies don’t just randomly gain rare and fantastic powers!” she scoffed as she turned back to her books, “That kind of thing only happens in fairy tales and science fiction novels.”

“And Silver Age Comics too!” Pinkie Pie blurted as she burst through the library entrance, “Love the new look, Big Mac!”

“Thanks, Ah guess.” Big Mac called back to the strange pink pony, who slammed the door on her own face after her loud interjection.

“Don’t you think maybe we should contact Princess Celestia about this?” Spike offered, “You know, since she is only a letter away.”

“It's too late for a letter,” the mare herself declared as she stepped through the balcony door, “I am already here.”

The four ponies and dragon bowed meekly to the Princess, but she beckoned for them to get off their hooves and feet. She approached Big Mac, who now stood almost a half head taller than she did, and she sternly analyzed him. The poor stallion was beginning to become extremely self-conscious with all the ponies who had been staring at him.

“I can’t be certain how,” the Princess finally declared, “but Big Macintosh is genuinely an alicorn now. How this came to be is rather intriguing, though.” She turned and began to make her way back to the balcony door. “If you’d like,” she spoke over her shoulder, “I’d be willing to offer you a position in the palace.”

“Whaat?!” everyone exclaimed at this proposal.

“Well, I have been needing an adviser of agriculture for some time now,” she explained, and she gestured to Big Mac, “and as an added bonus, you now look the part! What is you answer, Big Macintosh; would you like to become a Prince of Canterlot?”

“Now wait just a gal-darn minute!” Applejack took a couple steps forward, “We still need him around the farm! You can’t just take him from us in the middle of harvest time!”

“I’ll make sure that Sweet Apple Acres won’t miss its hardest worker,” Princess Celestia offered Applejack a smile, “I’ll see to it that that some very reputable stallions are hired to take up his share of the work,” she then turned to Big Mac and renewed her offer, “that is, if he is interested in taking on the position.”

Big Mac turned his signature wheat stalk over and over in his mouth, thinking over the proposal that would change his life forever. With much internal deliberation, he finally answered, “Eeyup!”

“And then the antelope cougar played with the ball of string all night long,” Big Mac said, then he finished, “That is, until Winona chased the poor thing away!”

Everypony at the large dining table laughed hysterically at the joke the large alicorn stallion had made; it took several minutes for them all to finally settle down from cackling or guffawing. The Canterlot Royal family, rather than being snobbish and uptight like most would believe them to be, was actually quite amiable, and had accepted Big Mac with open hooves. He had become quite popular as a confidant and wisepony; some of the Princesses had even sought his hoof for a courtship. He had respectfully declined their advances; although he was a newly christened Prince, he was a simple stallion at heart, and he was willing to wait for the right mare to come along.

After the evening meal was brought to a close, the financial minister Fancy Pants approached him.

“That was smashing good joke you told, Macintosh,” he gave into another quick laugh, “I’ll be thinking about that for days now!”

“Thank yah kindly, Fancy Pants.” he grinned, “Always a pleasure!”

“Listen,” the white unicorn began again, “I’ve received word that Princess Celestia would like a private audience with you, but before you go I wanted a quick word with you.”

“Shoot,” the red alicorn declared as he tussled his mane absentmindedly.

“A couple of the boys and I were planning on going for a trip down to Mustangia for a fortnight of rugged camping. There’s still room for you if you’re interested!”

“Ah’d be delighted to come!” Big Mac said as he began to make his way to Princess Celestia’s chambers.

Fancy Pants grinned in excitement, “Bully! We’ll be leaving in the morning, so don’t be late!”

“Eeyup!”

Arriving at the Sun Princess’ chambers, Big Mac was ushered inside by the guards, and the doors were closed behind him. Confused by the oddness of the situation, he was about to call out for the Princess when she showed herself. Her mane was especially vibrant and flowing this evening, and her regalia was missing. Her eyes seemed to pierce through Big Mac’s with an alluring, sultry quality that the country stallion had never seen, let alone imagined the Princess with.

“Big Macintosh,” she said in husky voice, “I’m afraid I haven’t been entirely honest with you.”

“Princess Celestia?” he asked in confusion.

“Yes?” she breathed as she sauntered closer to him.

“You’re naked,” he deduced with his brilliant mind.

She faked a gasp of disbelief, “So are you! Why, two ponies naked together in a room..” She drew her large sleeping pillow closer with her magic, and she gracefully fell into it. “..Anything could happen,” she finished with a playful giggle.

“Didya want ta see me about next month's projected profit margins?” Big Mac asked.

“Oh, I actually lied about that job of yours,” she waved her hoof like she was gesturing a bad plate of food away, and then she turned up the sauciness, “What I really wanted was you, my Big Red Apple.”

The gears in Big Mac’s mind began to click, and suddenly he gasped with realization, “Princess Celestia, are you trying to seduce me?!”

“That depends,” her horn lit up again, dragging him by his ceremonial silver yoke right next to her bed. As she leaned up, she arched her back seductively, and exhaled, “Is it working?”

“Princess Celestia!” A guard burst into the private chambers, seemingly unsurprised by the scene before him.

“WHAT?!” the Princess yelled in an equally surprising and unflattering voice, creating a vacuum of confusion that continued to consume Big Mac’s mind.

“The unthinkable has occurred,” the guard was able to exclaim, before a large, purple star cloud enveloped him.

“I HAVE RETURNED,” a voice declared, which was followed by maniacal laughter. Nightmare Moon stepped out of the purple mist, and she grinned, “Ha! It seemed I’ve caught you unawares!”

“Nightmare Moon!” Princess Celestia declared, as she unceremoniously stepped around her would-be suitor, whisking her bed out of sight, “How is this possible?”

“It doesn’t matter,” the black alicorn sneered, “for now all of Equestria will be covered in eternal night!”

“You won’t get away with this,” the Princess of the Sun retorted, “For your crimes against ponykind, and for killing my libido, I sentence you to another thousand years on the moon!”

“Fine!” the dark, imposing Mistress of the Night declared, “You’ve won!” She then pointed at Big Mac, “But I’m taking that hot stud with me!”

“What?” Big Mac asked flatly.

“You fiend!” Princess Celestia yelled, “You can’t have him! I was seducing him first!”

“Ah-ah-ah!” Nightmare Moon waved her hoof for emphasis, “You didn’t call ‘Dibs’! As such, I have every right to take him to the moon with me.”

Princess Celestia summoned her golden, magical sword from the ether, “Then the one who is to win a duel in single combat will be the one to properly seduce Big Macintosh!”

Nightmare Moon summoned her own dark sword, “To the death!”

“Ah didn’t agree ta any of this!” Big Macintosh said in panic.

With a mighty war cry, the two alicorn princesses rushed each other, swords ready to swing.

Suddenly, a brilliant blast of white light filled the chamber, knocking the two princesses to opposite sides of the room. From out of the light stepped a grey pelted earth pony mare. She turned her eyes to Big Mac, and he saw that one iris was colored blue, while the other was lavender. She wordlessly offered her hoof to him.

“Whoever ya’are,” he looked to both of the recovering female alicorns in turn, “get me the hell away from them!”

The strange mare smiled and nodded. Placing his hoof in hers, the two of them floated towards the light. Before they were both consumed by it, the mare said sweetly, “Big Macintosh, wake up.”

Big Mac’s eyes slowly fluttered open, and he was relieved to see that he was back within the dark confines of his own room at Sweet Apple Acres. Just to be on the safe side, he felt the top of his head and flexed his back muscles; no horn, and no wings. Fantastic.

He looked down to the doll that he had held in his forelegs as he had slept, and he snuggled her a little closer, “Thanks Smarty Pants.”

With his security doll at the ready, Big Mac drifted back to a fit but dreamless sleep, where he wasn’t accosted by unexpected transformations or wooing princesses.