Cardboard Chafes

by Between Lines

Rating: everyone
Tags: Human, Comedy
Length: 1191

On the eve of comicon, one man will dress as a gundam, and be teleported to Equestria. The only problem: He's still just one man dressed as a gundam.

We all know the story. One man, one costume, one destiny. Now, one man will wear one costume, and find that one destiny.

And that destiny is to try and find a reasonable set of clothes.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-01 18:20:03 UTC

You have no idea how much this itches.

The last thing I remembered was the sun. The horrible, horrible sun. Beating down like a relentless hammer upon my back. Well, no, not like a hammer. At least with a hammer there would be relief between blows. This was like a belt-sander of heat, grinding away every last drop of water in my body.

Fun fact, cardboard can be an excellent insulator, especially when waiting in line.

For something approaching the thirtieth time that day, I cursed the fact that I hadn't built pockets into this thing. It hadn't occurred to me at the time that giant robots might need water supplies, for reasons that were both obvious, and appallingly stupid seeing as I wasn't actually a giant robot. Being a giant robot would actually have been more comfortable.

I shifted my weight, wincing as the cardboard edges dug into my flesh. You wouldn't think the stuff could be that scratchy, but after waddling around for the better part of two hours I'd been introduced to a world of abrasive pain. All I wanted to do was sit down, but alas I had not reinforced the butt to survive my own weight. In hindsight, which was itself a terrible pun at this point, I could have planned this better.

I glanced at the line, that terrible immobile snake of bureaucratic ineptitude. Sure, they were all as trapped as I was, and some of that spandex looked uncomfortable, but somehow I doubted any could measure up to the rigid oven I'd encased myself in. Suddenly, I found myself wishing I'd liked a different anime, one of those ones where the heroes were all shirtless. Sure, I probably couldn't pull it off, but it beat death by heat exhaustion. Kamina would have been an awesome choice.

Damn you San Francisco. Damn you and your stupid sun.

As if on cue, I could almost feel the sun grow brighter. I glanced up in the sky, only to behold that the sun even appeared larger as well. So that was it, the universe itself was actually going out of its way to mock me. Now all I needed was for Jupiter to collapse into a star as well, and my suffering would be complete. I almost flipped it the bird, but thought better of it. Best not to make everyone think I was having a heat stroke, even if I was.

I glanced down, only to find the city replaced with forest.

Good lord, I was actually having a heat stroke.

My first reaction was to start flailing around, obviously. Whenever you're dying, flail around. It's the universal signal for "I'm dying." It also tends to make you smack into people, which should help dispel the illusion. At least, I hoped it would. I wasn't exactly a doctor or anything.

The illusion did not dispel.

After a minute, I bent over panting. Never, EVER, exert yourself while in an oven suit in summer. Practically dripping, I peered through the eyeholes for some sign of civilization, but there was none. Somehow, I'd gone from from the heart of the city to the heart of the wild, and now I was probably going to be eaten by something.

It occurred to me that I should feel honored. Generally, when life screws you over, it does so inside the established rules. Fast moving objects, cholera, rabid animals, that sort of thing. But not for me, no, the very laws of physics had made way for my death. It was sort of flattering, in a way.

Things only got better as a tremendous roar split the air behind me, and I turned to face the first hydra I'd ever seen in my life.

Now this was just getting ridiculous.

Part of me actually wanted to stay, to call this perverse bluff on life's part. Clearly, I'd had a psychotic break as my brain sizzled away, and some storefront had convoluted into a giant monster. If I ran, I'd just be doing exactly what life wanted. Now was the time to stand firm, and fight my way back to reality.

Luckily, the rest of me was not nearly so proud, and quickly made a majority vote that I run my frikkin ass off. So run I did. On the plus side, cardboard actually provides some protection against branches. On the downside, it also likes catching on them. One in particular snagged my shoulder, and down I went like a stack of boxes.

Above me, the hydra loomed. So this was how it would end, sweating to death in a glorified box, eaten by a mythical creature. I honestly couldn't decide if that was awesome, or sad. It was certainly original.

I closed my eyes and waited for the end. At least the muck was refreshingly cool.

"Shhhh, it's waking up."

I groaned and rubbed my head, which proved to be a mistake as soon as my hand met cardboard. So I wasn't dead, and I wasn't decently dressed. Or maybe I was and hell was just a cardboard suit. I could believe it.

"Do you come in peace?"

"I, what?" I turned my head, briefly adjusting my helmetas it slipped and turned askew. Before me was... oh come on. "Evening, Glitter, something?"

"I... what?" The lavender unicorn I dimly recognized tilted her head. "Do you mean Twilight Sparkle?"

"Yes, that." Lovely. I was a cardboard cosplayer in a land of magical ponies. Then again, at least I wasn't dead. "Can you send me home?"

"What?" She again tilted her head. Wasn't she supposed to be the smart one or something?

"You're the smart magic pony. You always, fix things, and stuff." I shrugged, something I instantly regretted as the cardboard raked across my abused body. Never, ever again.

"Oh! Well, um, I guess." She glanced around awkwardly, drawing my attention to the other five ponies, and one dragon. I think the blonde one was all about apples or something. "Do you know where you came from?"

"San Francisco." I knew I should have answered something like third dimension to the left, but eh, not like I had any clue.

"Oh! Oh I think I've heard that name before! Just a second." Like a bolt of purple lightning, flash and everything, she was zipping through the book shelves, leaving the other ponies and I to share some awkward stares.

"So, giant robots, huh?" The columbia blue one asked. Well, columbia blue and rainbow. When was the last time something was rainbow?

"It seemed like a good idea." I offered lamely.

"Yeah, my friend tried that. Never again, he said."

"Smart man." I paused. "Er, pony, whatever."

"You know, darling." It was the marshmellow one now. "That must be desperately uncomfortable. Perhaps I might interest you in putting on something less... caked in filth?"

"Sure, why not?"

When at last I was returned by magic teleport, it was in the most hideously gem encrusted ensemble I'd ever seen. Even better, as I looked around the unfamiliar surroundings, I realized that San Francisco was not exactly a specific term.

"God dammit."