Read and Be Enlightened, You Sheeponies
Twilight Sparkle knocked on the door of a small house on the edge of Ponyville. She glanced around at the front lawn, which was littered with various odd-looking instruments created from regular household items. Something that looked like a weather vane made out of coat hangers and dishcloths was turning in the breeze nearby, attached to a cracked pressure gauge. A wooden cart wheel spun in place, held up by an old bedside lamp with the shade missing. In the middle of the lawn, a magnifying glass was propped above a bowling ball so that the sunlight shining through the glass focused on a single smoldering spot on the ball. A sign above the mailbox read, “Home of Truth Seeker, Publisher, Citizens for Truth.” A smaller sign below that one read in tiny letters, “Not affiliated with the Citizens Truth Front!”
“Yes?” A voice spoke curtly. Twilight turned back to see that a slot had appeared in the door, just above a poster that read “THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE” beneath a strange symbol that looked like a bugle horn. Through the slot, Twilight could see two eyes peering out at her. “Are you here for some literature?”
“Oh, uh… no?” Twilight responded. “I came to ask you about the banner on your roof.”
The slot closed and the front door opened, revealing a wiry young stallion with a pale coat, blemishes, and a scrubby beard, with a cutie mark of a single, unblinking eye. “Ah! Are you interested in learning more about the coming Lunar Takeover?”
“Uh… maybe some other time. I was actually wondering if you would be willing to take the banner down. You see—”
“Take it down?!” Truth Seeker hollered, looking aghast before glaring at her. “Oh, I see how it is! The mare doesn’t appreciate somepony opening their eyes to what’s going on in the world! The mare doesn’t want to see the truth, even when it’s staring her right in the face!”
“What? Oh, no, I think you mis—”
“I suppose you’re one of these sheeponies who just believes anything Celestia tells her, huh?”
“...Firstly, I know several sheep who would take offense to that remark. Look, I’m only asking because I have a friend who has a very unique condition. You see, when she flies, she automatically makes note of everything she sees without realizing it. And lately, every time she flies past your house, she’s been memorizing your banner without intending to. Yesterday, she made some remark about the, uh, ‘Lunar Takeover’ at lunch, and she was rather embarrassed about it.”
Truth Seeker raised an eyebrow. “So where is this friend of yours, then? Why didn’t she come?”
“Well…” Twilight rubbed the back of her neck. “She did. She says you called her closed-minded and shut the door in her face. I had to convince her that I would help her try to resolve this diplomatically. She’s pretty angry about the whole thing, to be honest.”
Truth Seeker nodded sagely. “Yes, having your eyes opened to the truth can be quite distressing.”
“...I don’t think that’s quite the problem here. Look, I’m not asking you to get rid of the banner completely, I was just wondering if you could move it somewhere where it’s not visible from the air.”
“How dare you try to curb the expression of my views!” he shouted, pointing a hoof at Twilight. “I have a right to free speech! No one can tell me not to put a message on my roof!”
“Um… well, strictly speaking, the Equestrian Constitution only protects the content of speech against government. But it does allow for restrictions on the time, place, and manner of speech if said restrictions are consistently applied and deemed to be in the public interest—”
“I don’t want to hear your double talk! You can’t make me take it down!”
“Well, I don’t really want to. I was hoping you’d be willing to move the banner on your own volition.”
Truth Seeker narrowed his eyes, thrusting his face toward Twilight’s. “And why should I do that?”
Twilight flinched back, but gave a hopeful smile. “Um… Because it’d be beneficial to the well-being of your fellow citizen?”
“Hmph! You should all be grateful I’m opening ponies’ eyes to what our government is doing! If you can’t handle the truth, that’s no problem of mine!”
“Look, maybe we’ve gotten off on the wrong hoof. I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable solution to this problem.”
“It’s only a ‘problem’ if you narrow-minded sheeponies keep believing the lies you’ve been fed! You all mindlessly graze in the deceptions Celestia harvests, and can’t handle it when somepony finally speaks truth to power! Hah, I bet this so-called ‘friend’ of yours is just an excuse to get me to remove my message of truth!”
“Alright, look, if I bring my friend over with me and have her explain the situation, will you at least consider moving the banner off the roof?”
“Hmph! Unlikely! But go ahead, bring this unenlightened ‘friend’ of yours.”
With an exasperated sigh, Twilight spread her wings and took off into the air. At that very moment, a unicorn stallion wearing a postal uniform and carrying a saddlebag stuffed with mail trotted towards the house.
“Afternoon, sir!” the mailpony said cheerfully. “I’ve got some mail for you!” With a bit of magic, he levitated several envelopes out of the saddlebag and delivered them into Truth Seeker’s waiting hoof.
Truth Seeker glanced at the first envelope before shouting, “Hey! You’ve got the wrong address!” He pointed vigorously at the sign above his mailbox. “Can’t you read the sign? This is Citizens for Truth, not the Citizens Truth Front!”
“Oh… sorry, sir,” the mailpony said sheepishly, taking the envelope back. “They’re just so similar, you know?”
“No, they are not!” Truth Seeker shouted, stomping a hoof on the ground. “The Citizens Truth Front are those idiots who believe that Celestia is some sort of entity from outer space! Anyone with a brain can see that she’s part of a Lionist conspiracy put in motion by the Griffon Kingdom in order to subdue Equestria!”
“Um… okay.” The mailpony glanced at the envelope before looking up again at Truth Seeker. “So do you know who I should deliver this to?”
“Ugh… you need to deliver it to Sky Watcher. He lives in the house on the other side of town with the big telescope.”
“Alright, thanks! Sorry for the confusion, sir!” the mailpony said, trotting away.
Grumbling, Truth Seeker collected the rest of his mail and returned inside, slamming the door shut behind him.
Of course, the Equestrian government will say that the devastation wrought to Building 7 of the Canterlot Trade Complex was just a result of the changeling attack. But what they refuse to explain is why changelings would have any interest in trade documents! Clearly there’s another motive for ransacking the trade complex, and the changeling attack is merely a diversion to keep ponies afraid, placing their unyielding trust in their smiling overlords. Your government will try to hide it from you, but any critical thinker can see—
Truth Seeker’s typing came to an abrupt halt when he heard a knock at his front door. He got up from his typewriter and trotted to the door, opening the slot to see Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash standing on his doorstep.
“Are you here for some literature?” he asked.
“Uh, no, it’s me, remember?” Twilight answered. “I was here earlier about the banner on your roof? This is my friend.”
“Ah.” Truth Seeker closed the slot and opened the door. “Right. Your unenlightened fellow.”
Rainbow Dash growled as Twilight hurriedly went on, “So anyway, we were just coming by when we noticed you took down your banner while I was gone. So we just wanted to say thank you for changing your mind.”
“Hah! Don’t assume that I took down my message because of anything you said. I realized there was an important component of my analysis I had forgotten to add to my message, so I’m making some modifications to the hexagonal flow chart.”
“You mean that weird diamond-shaped thing on the banner that has the lines running between ‘puppet government’ and ‘arcade machines’?” Rainbow Dash muttered.
“It’s a theoretical framework, utilized by critical thinkers to visualize their thought processes. Not that sheeponies like you would know about this.”
“Anyway,” Twilight quickly continued, “if you decide to put the banner back up, maybe you could put it in front of your house instead? I’m sure more ponies would see it there, and it wouldn’t bother Rainbow Dash.”
“Hmm. I may give consideration to that—Ah, Pinkie! Good to see you again, fellow truth warrior!”
Twilight and Rainbow turned to see Pinkie Pie wearing a saddlebag and bouncing up the sidewalk to Truth Seeker’s house. “Hey, Truth!” she greeted. “Do you got any more of those newsletters?”
“I’ve got a fresh issue!” Truth Seeker replied, retreating into his house to grab a thick stack of newspapers before depositing them in Pinkie’s saddlebag. “Did you enjoy my analysis in the last issue?”
Pinkie gave him a big smile. “Yeah! I loved that one about the New Equine Order that rules the world and all the symbols they planted on our money!” Beside her, Twilight and Rainbow’s jaws dropped.
Truth Seeker smiled. “If you know where to look, you can find signs of the New Equine Order everywhere. Why else would there be such similar symbols on our money, our flags, royal symbols, even the cutie marks of world leaders?”
“But… but that doesn’t make any sense!” Twilight cried. “If a secret organization ruled the world, why would they leave clues of their presence where anypony could find them?”
“I don’t have all the answers, ma’am. I’m just asking questions.”
Twilight stared at him incredulously. “...No, you aren’t! Your questions are deliberately framed to advance a theory that has no logical underpinning, doesn’t fit with any sensible motivation, and flies in the face of common sense!”
“Hmph. Sounds like somepony needs to stop grazing on the poison joke.” With that, Truth Seeker stepped back inside and slammed the door shut.
Pinkie bounced out into the street, followed swiftly by Twilight and Rainbow. “What the heck, Pinkie?” Rainbow grumbled. “You don’t actually believe this junk, do you?”
“Nah,” Pinkie answered cheerfully. “I think Truth just wants someone to pay attention to him, is all. He’s always happy if you just let him talk. And if there’s one thing Pinkie Pie knows, it’s how to make ponies happy!”
“Huh. Well, that’s awfully nice of you to be willing to indulge him,” Twilight offered.
“Thanks, Twilight!” Pinkie paused, then added, “Besides, this newsprint he uses is great! It makes really good firestarter for the ovens!”
...and why the sudden appearance of this Crystal Empire right after the return of the so-called “Princess” Luna? Right when the new overlord could use a similarly out-of-touch population to spread her influence across the country? A coincidence, as your government will lead you to believe? Inquisitive minds know better than to accept the deceptions of this—
Truth Seeker’s typing was once again interrupted by a knock at his door. He got up and opened the slot, only to freeze at what he saw on his doorstep. Slowly, he opened the door to reveal a gangly young stallion with long hair blanketing the sides of his face and a cutie mark of a group of stars.
Truth Seeker glowered at his visitor for a moment before speaking. “Sky Watcher.”
“Faux Seeker,” Sky Watcher replied, wearing a smug grin and tossing a few envelopes at Truth Seeker’s hooves. “It seems the local mailmare has once again confused our addresses. Hard to believe anyone would confuse my righteous enterprise with a lowly rag like yours.”
“I’ll have you know that my newsletter has literally tens of subscribers!” Truth Seeker replied hotly. “Far more than your little band of wanna-be astronomers!”
“At least we don’t believe in that stupid hoax about Star Swirl the Bearded predicting the invention of the cupcake.”
“Open your eyes! The signs are right there! Star Swirl the Bearded was the ultimate truth warrior of his day!”
“Yes, and Star Swirl also believed that toilets would bring about the fall of equine civilization, because he thought that if ponies could relieve themselves whenever they needed to, they would no longer be able to control their bowel movements.”
“That is an unsubstantiated falsehood, spread to shut your ears to his truths!” Truth Seeker cried. “Why don’t you go back to scanning the sky for spaceships like a good mindslave?”
“The truth is out there! Thousands of sightings of unidentified flying objects can’t be a coincidence!”
“They can when they’re by sheeponies like you!”
“Brainwashed idiot!”
“Sleepwalking shill!”
With a final simultaneous “Hmph!”, both ponies turned away from each other. Sky Watcher began trotting away while Truth Seeker returned inside and slammed the door shut.
At the house next door, Lyra and Bon Bon were sitting together on the porch, sharing a bowl of popcorn. After Bon Bon watched Sky Watcher storm down the street, she turned to Lyra. “How often did you say this happens?”
Lyra shrugged. “Eh, about once a week.”
Some would say it’s ridiculous to posit that the contrails of Wonderbolt performers are laced with mind-control agents. But then, one asks, why would attendees of Wonderbolt performances keep returning despite the fact that the routines remain exactly the same? What mysterious force compels these ponies to keep returning to each show? Those who ignore or dismiss these questions only blind themselves to the truth.
With a flourish, Truth Seeker pulled the sheet out of his typewriter. He gave it a satisfied look before placing it on top of a stack of similar sheets. Finally, his latest newsletter was complete. He stretched his limbs, working out the kinks in his body before getting up out of his chair. Outside, night had fallen.
“A good day’s work,” he murmured to himself. As he looked out the window, Truth Seeker thought about his day. It wasn’t easy being the greatest truth warrior in Ponyville, he mused, but it was always worth it for knowing the truths that everypony else missed. Ignorance may be bliss, but knowledge was its own reward.
He smiled to himself. “What would these poor souls do without you, Truth?”
There was a knock at the door. Truth Seeker opened the slot to see a middle-aged mare standing on the doorstep, frowning at him.
“Hey, you’re overdue on your rent,” she said.
“I know!” Truth Seeker snapped. “I’ll have it for you tomorrow, as soon as I get my paycheck!”
“Alright, alright. Tomorrow, then.” The mare started to turn away, then paused. “And did you take down that banner, like I asked you to? Your contract stipulates that you can’t make any adjustments to the roof.”
“Yes!”
“Alright then. Have a good night.”
With a huff, he closed the door slot with a snap. No, it wasn’t easy being the greatest truth warrior in Ponyville. Not with the mare constantly breathing down his neck.
He opened a nearby closet to reveal a red and white pin-striped uniform that said in large, curly writing, “Greasy’s”, the name of Ponyville’s most popular fast food restaurant. He quickly put it on in preparation for his job on the graveyard shift, dreading having to deal with all the mindslaves he knew he’d have to serve through the night.
But he had to pay the bills somehow. I mean, come on, he wasn’t crazy.
Author's Note
This was one of those products of being three beers deep on a Saturday night.
Kudos to RTStephens and alexmagnet for graciously offering their feedback on this offspring of alcohol and insomnia.
