Scootaloo and Celestia: Adventures in Twilight's Gall Bladder

by Admiral Biscuit

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Scootaloo, Random, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Romance
Length: 1598

Scootaloo and Princess Celestia get married and have an adventure inside Giant Twilight Sparkle's gall bladder.

Scootaloo and Princess Celestia get married and have an adventure inside Giant Twilight Sparkle's gall bladder.

Now with a reading by AShadowofCygnus

I'm so, so sorry. Blueshift made me do it.

Published 2014-05-01 23:10:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-01 23:10:04 UTC

Scootaloo Marries Celestia inside a giant Twilight Sparkle

Scootaloo marries Celestia inside a giant Twilight Sparkle
Admiral Biscuit

Everyone loved Princess Celestia. Everyone, that is, except Windigos, some teenage dragons, New Lunar Republic supporters, bats and other nocturnal creatures. . . .

Let me ~~come in~~ start again. Almost everyone loved Princess Celestia. Even King Sombra, maybe. Some ponies loved her more than most. Scootaloo was one of those ponies. She loved Princess Celestia more than she loved the sun—okay, as much as she loved the sun. She loved Princess Celestia enough to marry her.

Of course, lots of ponies wanted to marry Celestia. However, Scootaloo had an edge: she asked.

Imagine trying to ask the prettiest, most popular girl in school out on a date. It's hard to do without coming off sounding like a drooling moron. Now, imagine that same girl is also a princess, thousands of years old, and also controls the sun. Now that's a daunting prospect. As a result, most ponies simply pined for her love but never did anything about it, except try to be around her on the off-chance that she would suddenly propose marriage to them—a tactic which never works.

Princess Celestia was flattered that Scootaloo asked, and since she hadn't been married in many a century—so long, in fact, she could no longer remember why most marriages end in divorce—she said yes.

The two young lovers (well, young in a geological sense) decided to elope. This was an important decision, but since the Pony News Network had recently invented ponyparazzi, it was the only logical choice.

Twilight Sparkle, who had been growing like crazy ever since ascending, agreed to help the pair, offering to fly them to a far-off land, but Celestia didn't want to leave Canterlot behind, especially on the off-chance that this royal wedding was also interrupted with holey changelings.

So the two of them—Princess Celestia and Scootaloo—took a potion which had been prepared by the ~~evil~~ Zebra Shaman Zecora: a tincture of Poison Joke. Not just any Poison Joke, but pony-shrinking Poison Joke; the same kind which Applejack had once inadvertently run afoul of. Different Poison Joke plants have different effects, and this is known to Zebra shamans.

Once they were suitably de-biggened, they proceeded to hide inside Giant Twilight Sparkle(TM), where it was safe from the prying eyes of ponyparazzi and from changeling hordes.

No, I'm not going to tell you how they got inside.

The wedding went off without a hitch. Princess Celestia wore her finest yoke, boots, and tiara, while Scootaloo had to make do with a cardboard box she found in a dumpster (she's a homeless orphan despite that one episode). Princess Celestia married them, because she's a princess and princesses can totally marry couples, even if they're half of the couple.

Then came the honeymoon. It was magical, even if it was inside Twilight. Really, what could be more magical than the physical embodiment of the sun and a pegasus enjoying their first night together while inside a giant lavender alicorn? You can't get much more magical than that.

In fact, it was so comfortable inside Twilight, they just stayed there, building a small home in an unused section of her appendix. Some ponies might have found it uncomfortable, living inside another pony, but they were in love, and such things were the price to pay for love.

Author's Note

This is all Blueshift's fault.

Scootaloo and Celestia: Adventures in Twilight's Gall Bladder

Scootaloo and Celestia: Adventures in Twilight's Gall Bladder
Admiral Biscuit

Alas, here our story takes a sad turn. As clever as Princess Celestia was, there was a fatal flaw in her plan. It is well known that changelings are drawn to new marriages in much the same way that sharks are drawn to blood, moths are drawn to flame, and people are drawn to a Rick Astley video when they think it's something else. CLICK FOR A SEXY NSFW IMAGE And, since changelings can transform to be pretty much anything that has a soul and can feel love (so not gingers), the changeling horde became tiny-er little parasites and made their way to Twilight's appendix.

Scootaloo spotted them first. She was out tending the fields in Twilight's minor duodenal papilla—which was where they grew their alfalfa—and jumped on her scooter, quickly buzzing back home to Twilight's appendix.

Once she got there, her hopes fell like her dreams of flight—a massive influx of changelings was swarming around the burning ruins of their love nest. (It should be noted that Twilight was feeling some minor indigestion as a result, and took two Tums.) A shimmering shield wavered over the fire, and changelings were slowly deconstructing it in the way only changelings can—by sending wave after wave of their own . . . selves at it.

But Princess Celestia wasn't a princess for nothing. As soon as she saw Scootaloo was safe, she abandoned their home, teleporting herself to Scootaloo, and then again to Twilight’s gall bladder, rightly assuming that an equine gall bladder was an elusive organ.

There, the pair prepared to make their stand against the changelings. Princess Celestia magicked up another shield spell, while Scootaloo went around gathering gall stones, placing them in neat piles along the shores of bile, working her way back from the fundus.

For a long time, all was silent, except for the loud noise of hundreds of changelings fruitlessly smashing against the magical shield in the appendix. Then, with a sound not unlike glass breaking, the shield shattered, and the jagged pieces rained down, coincidentally smothering the fire. From a distance, the cry of "They're not here!" echoed up and down Twilight's bowels, and then all fell silent again.

Scootaloo hunkered down in the epithelium, while Princess Celestia reinforced her shield spell by drawing on Giant Twilight Sparkle's(TM) own magical energies. Spellcasting is hard when you're small enough to hide in a gall bladder, even if you are a nearly-immortal pony princess.

Suddenly, a buzzing sound echoed through the bile ducts! The changelings had found them! Exclamation point!

Scootaloo got the first one that came through the cystic duct with a well-aimed gallstone. She took perverse pleasure in knocking a flying creature out of the air, but she'll never admit that to her psychiatrist. She watched it spin out of control into a wall, where it exploded.

A second and third followed, and were as easily disposed of, but the third managed to shout a warning to all of his hive-mates before he crashed.

Minutes passed. Minutes that felt like hours. Each of those minutes was made up of sixty seconds, and each of those sixty seconds felt like a minute. Each of those sixty seconds was made up of . . . you know what, the math gets really weird here unless you're using metric time, so let's just say that it felt like an eternity. ~~An eternity that felt like sixty eternities.~~

And then the main horde was upon them, a droning mass of holey-legged insect-winged chitin-covered love-sucking demon-spawn changelings who only wanted to suck their love, seriously, is that too much to ask? Scootaloo's gallstone pile quickly ran dry, because Twilight ate a very low-cholesterol diet. She retreated to safety further inside the gall bladder, under cover of Princess Celestia's sunlance spells (1 white mana for 3 damage to non-white creature). They retreated to the submucosa, Scootaloo throwing gallstones all the while.

But it was all for naught. There were too many changelings. Princess Celestia was tapped out, and Scootaloo's muscles were aching from all the gallstones she'd been tossing, and still the changelings kept coming. The two hapless ponies huddled together, wrapping their hooves around each other as they waited for the end.

Just when they thought it couldn't get and worse, Queen Chrysalis showed up, and she was followed by

Author's Note

Thank Celestia It's Over

"Pinkie Pie, what did you say this was again?"

The hyperactive baker rolled her eyes. "Fanfiction, Twilight. I said it was fanfiction. Oh, and I put you in it! Did you see?"

"Yes Pinkie." Twilight rubbed her hooves across her aching eyes, eyes she was sure were bleeding from the agony they'd just witnessed. And there were a hundred more pages to go. "Yes, I saw."

"Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo?" Pinkie took a deep breath. "What did you think?"

I think I need a drink, Twilight thunk. I mean thought. "Well, it's nice."

"Nice?"

"Nice." Twilight nodded slowly. "In the vast annals of pony literature, this is certainly the most . . . most . . . thing I have ever read."

Pinkie stopped bouncing mid-bounce, and stared down at Twilight from her superior (based on altitude) position in the middle of the library. "What do you really think?" Her ice-blue eyes bored into the librarian's very soul.

Twilight began sweating. Profusely. She didn't handle stress well; she knew she didn't handle stress well. She could feel hairs in her mane sproinging out of place, and her tail was rapidly kinking.

"Well?" Pinkie leaned forward, unaware of how impossible that was, given her current I've-turned-off-gravity position.

"Your prose is clunky, you make too many meta references, your premise is absurd, ignores canon, and your characters are out of character. And you shouldn't begin a sentence with 'and.' Furthermore, if you'd paid any attention to equine anatomy at all, you'd know that ponies neither have gall bladders nor appendixes." Twilight sighed. "But your penmareship is very neat."

Author's Note

Address all complaints to the Monsanto Corporation.