My Little Dashie Abridged
I live my life, one day at a time. A good portion of those days are uneventful, always falling in the same routine: I wake up, drive to work, work, drive home, then bum around until I go to bed. Sometimes I'll hang with my few friends, while other times I'll just play video games or watch TV.
Today, as usual, I drove to work...or at least, I attempted to do so. I got into the front seat of my old, hand-me-down sedan and backed out of the driveway. I live in a small, one-story house in a fairly empty part of town. I don’t really talk to my neighbors, I’m not even sure I have neighbors. Today, I am very grateful I don’t talk to my neighbors.
Like I said, I backed out of the driveway, and hit a large bump.
I heard a large thumping sound and the crushing of cardboard. I assumed I ran over a cardboard box.
I did.
I continued to back out, thinking nothing of it as I looked behind me. I pulled out into the road and put the clutch in ‘drive’. I glanced at the crushed box, and my heart sank as I noticed red liquid seeping out of it.
I just ran over somebody’s dog! I thought, The neighbors!!
I immediately put the clutch in ‘park’, unbuckled, and ran over to inspect the damage, not even bothering to shut the car door.
As I approached the box, an even darker thought invaded my mind. One that brought tears to my eyes.
What if it’s a kid? I wondered, What if I ran over somebody’s kid?
I wiped the tears from my eyes and tried to find the courage to examine the crushed and blood-soaked box. I closed my eyes and turned my head as I barely put my fingers under a box flap. I violently flung the box away onto the lawn. I took a deep breath and looked at the sidewalk.
I have to admit I breathed a sigh of relief when I caught a glimpse of the mangled corpse. It wasn’t a kid. Thank heavens, it wasn’t a kid. It was some kind of animal, only unlike any animal I had ever seen before.
The remains were almost the shape and size of a rabbit. That’s what I thought it was at first. I had seen plenty of rabbit roadkill over the years, and this barely looked any different. Only it also could have been a dog, roughly the size of a puppy. I couldn’t quite make out the shape.
It is somebody’s pet. I fretted, What do I tell the neighbors? Who do I tell? And what sick bastard would put a puppy right behind someone’s tire?
My fear and regret soon turned to anger as I realized that some sadistic psycho had probably deliberately put a puppy in that box and placed it right behind my tire, waiting for me to drive the next morning. They might even walk over to inspect the damage. That was it. I was calling off from work today. And I was calling the police.
I started to reach for my cell phone, but then I took another look at the poor creature. My car tire almost completely flattened it. It was a little light blue furry blob with blood oozing out from under it. It also seemed to have three little feathers on top of it.
From a bird? I wondered.
I bent down as closely as I could to the corpse, without having to take too many whiffs of the stench of fresh blood. At the bottom of the one intact leg I could see, where paws and claws should have been, was a dark blue...hoof?
Wait a second. I thought, No, no, no. It couldn’t....it couldn’t possibly....
I stood up slowly and bent over the corpse so I could get a better look at the other side. A large streak of...rainbow colored hair...now matted with blood, was attached to the creature’s head. A matching rainbow tail was at the animal’s hind end.
No....no, no....not this....please....not this...
The head itself, what was left of it, was vaguely shaped like...a horse...a filly...
But the eye...the eye bulging out of the head, the all too human eye...
A black iris, with rose colored pupils...a white, protruding eyeball...
Rainbow Dash...a filly Rainbow Dash...
No, no way...not possible....no, not in a million...never...I can’t....I just can’t...
I suppose if you’re a regular web-surfer, then you know about bronies. I guess you could say I was one of them. But now I wish I’d never seen that stupid cartoon to begin with.
I collapsed to my knees, staring at the lifeless body. I couldn’t touch it, I could barely stand to look at it, I could barely stand to breath.
I couldn’t tell anyone, couldn’t call anyone, couldn’t move.
I slumped over on the sidewalk in a bewildered trance. A trance only broken by the ring of my cell phone.
I fumbled to grab it out of my pocket. It was my boss.
“Yes, sir....” I said into the receiver, “Yes, I’m sorry I’m late...I ran over a pon...er, a dog. Somepon...somebody must’ve stuck it under my car. I gotta go...I gotta...call the police. Yes, sir. Thank you, sir....bye...”
I hung up the phone and let it drop on the cement. I don’t care if it’s broken. I don’t care about anything anymore.
Bury it. I started to think, Bury it. Forget about it. She’s not real. It’s just a cartoon. You’re dreaming. Bury her and forget about her.
I can’t bury her. I gotta call the police. Someone else found her. Did this on purpose.
It was an accident. Somebody lost her. She’s not real, anyways. Nobody has to know. Nobody has to know you’re a brony.
Is that what this is about. My pride? The fact I don’t want anyone to know that I watch a show about cartoon ponies?
No. I’m trying to save you. Saving you anguish, guilt, obsession. Bury her and forget about it. That’s the only solution.
What if there are more of them? What if someone’s rounded them up to torture them?
There aren’t anymore. She’s the only one. Give her a proper burial. Say a prayer. Plant a cross. Or then again, we don’t need a constant reminder.
Okay, fine. I’ll do it. I’ll bury her. I won’t tell anyone. What’s done is done.
I had a tool shed behind my house. I barely used anything in it except the lawnmower. It had been a while since I used the shovel to dig up some weeds.
I grabbed the shovel and dug a simple hole next to the tool shed. I wasn’t even really paying attention as I dug. How many feet was it? Four? Five? Six? Just enough to cover her up.
I walked back over to the driveway with the shovel in hand. I reluctantly scooped up what remained of Rainbow Dash. I had to look away as I did it. I didn’t even look as I carried her over to the hole and dropped her in.
I silently covered the hole back up with the same dirt I had just dug up. It was over. I would go back to work tomorrow, same as usual. If anyone asked, I’d say it was just a rabbit or something. I was wrong about the dog. Just plain old roadkill.
I could barely lie to myself, much less other people. I knew as soon as someone asked me about it, I would break down in tears. There had to be some way to forget about it. To pretend like this had never happened. It was the only way I could move on with my life.
I also felt the need to pay some sort of respects to Rainbow Dash. Even if my mind didn’t want to believe this was real, I at least needed to offer some sort of closure.
“Our Father, who is in Heaven. Holy is Your name. Your kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven...” I whispered.
That was all I could manage to say. If this was a normal funeral, I would have recited all of the Lord’s Prayer. But I was paying respects to a fictional cartoon pony who might not even have a concept of God.
I also prayed that I might be able to forget what had happened, or at least be given some sort of understanding as to why it had happened.
That night I could barely sleep. Predictably, once I finally managed to fall asleep, I had a nightmare. Surely enough, an undead, rotting Rainbow Dash burst out of my backyard, flew crashing through a window, grabbed a knife from the kitchen, flew to my bedroom, and stabbed me in the chest.
I woke up, screaming at nothing. I sprang out of bed, ran to my bathroom, and took two sleeping pills from the medicine cabinet. I fell into a dreamless sleep, but I was drowsy and anxious at work the next morning.
Surprisingly enough, life actually became easier at the office. I told everyone that I had accidentally ran over a dog, that some maniac had stuck it in a box behind my tire, and that the police were sorting it out. Most of that was true, and I didn’t really have to fake my anger and sorrow. I actually got a lot of sympathy from my co-workers.
It has been only four months since I buried Rainbow Dash. I've done what little research I could on the matter, but I have come to no conclusions. I have no idea how she ended up here, and I haven’t heard any reports on the news about anyone else finding a pony, or even someone running over another animal. I finally have learned to forget about it, especially now that the cartoon has finally ended. It lasted a good six seasons, and I’m sure they’ll find another way to bring the MLP franchise back.
I started dating again. I haven’t dated since high school. I think I’ve finally managed to find a steady relationship. Her name is Rose. I haven’t ever told her I’m a brony, and at this point, I really don’t need to anymore.
It used to be that a year would go by slowly. This year was the fastest year of my life. I’m getting married. At first I thought I was rushing headfirst into things, but I’ve prayed about it and I think I’ve made the right decision. Rose’s parents are wonderful. Her dad is actually a minister. My dad was an attorney. Huh. Go figure.
After two years, I had finally gotten that promotion. Rose and I are moving into a two-story house on the other side of town. It’s in a nice neighborhood and this way we don’t have to drive so far to work. We’re even thinking of having kids. Of course, Rose wants a boy, and I want a girl. We’ve decided to leave it to fate, or God.
Son or daughter, I’m glad that things are finally turning out for the better.
If you told me four years ago I'd be married, with a twin girl and boy, I'd call you insane. I probably am in all reality, but I don't care. I'm happy. We’re happy.
There is a point in every person’s life when they have to face the truth. Whether it be for the better or for the worst, it must happen at some point. I now sit here in my living room, watching the game, as my wife and kids play outside. I hear the doorbell ring just as the Carolina Panthers score a touchdown.
I throw the remote down on the couch. I walk up to the door and hear a female voice speak in a majestic tone. She asks if she may come as I peer through the eyehole.
A flood of unwanted memories fill my mind. I try to hold back the tears. Standing on my porch is a white winged unicorn with a glistening blue and pink mane. It’s none other than Princess Celestia, from the cartoon.
I finally gain the nerve to open the door. She stands there another looking at me; we match each other at eye level, her body being the size of a nearly full grown horse. I step back, and allow her to enter. Then I hear my wife scream.
“Robert!! Hope!!” she shouts to our children, “Get away from those things! Get over here now!!”
(Yes, those names are just a coincidence. Rose and I don’t even like Bob Hope.)
Little Hope and Bobby ignore their mother as they attempt to play with five small colorful ponies. Bobby pulls on Applejack’s ears and tries on her hat. Hope dances and claps as Pinkie Pie bounces circles around her and throws confetti out of nowhere.
The other three ponies just sort of shuffle on the lawn, trying to avoid Rose running toward them, swatting and kicking at the two ponies too close to her children.
“Get away from my children!!” Rose orders, “Get out of here! Hope! Bobby!! Come here!!”
Rose scoops up our two kids, one in each arm. Bobby is still wearing Applejack’s hat. Applejack reaches up her hoof to grab it, but Rose gives her multiple frenzied kicks to the ribcage.
“Whaddarya doin’!” Applejack yells, “Get offa me! Don’t make me hafta buck you!”
Celestia and I see what is about to unfurl. Applejack rears back her hind legs and bucks Rose right in the thigh, breaking her hip. Rose screams in pain and collapses to the ground. Hope and Bobby tumble back on the grass and burst into tears when they realize their mother is hurt.
“Sweet Celestia!” Applejack panics, “What have ah done! Ah’m sorry! I didn’t mean tah hurt ya so bad!”
"I'm quite surprised," Celestia began, "I had expected a little more resistance to us entering."
(If you’re wondering why Celestia says this, it’s because she and I are in the house with the door closed, and cannot hear what is going on outside because I have the TV turned up loud with surround sound. The five other ponies were going to follow her inside until my family noticed them.)
"What do you mean ‘us’?” I ask, “Are you speaking in the royal plural, like on the show?”
"Ah, so you do know then." Celestia says, “Although I was actually speaking of my five students. Where are they?”
“Did you leave them outside?” I ask, “That means they’re with...uh-oh...”
I open the door and both I and the princess step outside. Rose is sprawled out on the lawn, convulsing in pain. Hope and Bobby run over to me, tears streaming down their face, shaking and sobbing.
“Mommy’s hurt! Mommy’s hurt!” they both bawl.
Celestia casts an accusing glare at the five other ponies. They all bow their heads in shame. Pinkie Pie’s hair even deflates into her ‘Pinkamena’ style.
“We’re looking for Rainbow Dash.” Celestia explains, “Do you know where she is?”
My heart sinks to the bottom of my stomach when I hear these words. I collapse to my knees and sob, holding Hope and Bobby close to my chest.
Celestia at first wonders why I am crying. She then shakes her head and places a hoof on my shoulder. Twilight Sparkle trots up and clears her throat.
“Princess...” she tries to say, “Applejack didn’t mean to hurt that human woman. She just reacted.”
“I know, Twilight.” Celestia answers, “I would say I know a good healing spell, but we did use quite a bit of magic just getting here. Not to mention the spells we had to use to find out who last saw Rainbow Dash.”
My ears perk when I hear Celestia say this. I turn to her and wipe the tears from my eyes.
“So that’s how you found me?” I ask.
Celestia nods.
“It’s called the ‘light of guidance’.” Celestia says, “It’s an old spell used to find one hopelessly lost in such an occurrence.”
“What occurrence?” I ask.
“Well, you see, sir...” Twilight explains, “I was working on a spell to help the weather team with some storm development. Well, they made slightly too large of a storm, and I used a forbidden spell to try and dispel it. The spell mixed with the pegasi magic and it tore a hole between dimensions. Luckily, such a spell leaves a sort of ‘magical signature’ on those who come into contact with an interdimensional visitor.”
“Rainbow Dash isn’t here.” I admit, “She isn’t anywhere. She’s...dead...”
“Dead?” Celestia inquires, a hint of anger in her voice, “How is she dead?”
“I ran over her.” I confess, “It was an accident...somebody stuck her in a box...right behind my tire...someone else must have found her. I didn’t see here at all. I’m so sorry...”
I start to cry again and Celestia places a hoof on my shoulder.
“You can explain later.” she advises, “First you should send your family to the hospital. You do have those, correct?”
I nod as I and the kids run over to Rose. I help her hobble painfully into the car, and drive her and my two kids to the hospital.
“I don’t know what to say.” I murmur, as Rose lays next to me in the car, with the seat laid back.
“Don’t say anything.” Rose advises, “This is beyond me. A bunch of little horse aliens break my hip. How do I explain this at work?”
“Uh, it was a dog?” I say, falling back on my usual excuse.
Once my wife and kids are taken care of at the hospital, I sneak away for a little bit and call my own house number on the cell phone.
(At the other end of the line, I assume Celestia levitates the house phone receiver with her horn.)
“Yes, this is Celestia...” she says, “Yes, I’m still here...Yes, I’m afraid I couldn’t stop my students from rummaging through your fridge....So it was an accident, you say? You buried Rainbow Dash at your old house? Well, yes, I’m upset, but...at the very least we did not show up at that other house first...oh dear...”
Yeah, Robbie’s a decent guy, I suppose. I bought his old house. The place is a little small, but not too bad. Guy’s married now I think. To what’s her face...Rose...somethin’...not a bad lookin’ gal either...
But turns out Robbie had a bit of a secret. He left a box a’ junk in his room. I haven’t called ‘em about it. Thought I’d sell it on eBay or somethin’. Turns out there’s a group a’ guys like Rob obsessed with some goofy cartoon about talkin’ ponies. Ponies, for little girls.
Anyways, there’s a bunch of people on eBay who’ll pay through the nose for these stuffed ponies Rob left. Hold on, I think the doorbell’s ringing.
“So you’re just going to let him go?” Twilight asked Celestia, “After what he did to Rainbow?”
“I’m afraid so, my faithful student.” Celestia answered, “It would appear to be an accident. There’s nothing we can do. I’m sorry.”
The Mane Five’s muzzles all drooped to the ground, Pinkie Pie’s hair deflating once more.
“In any case, we have caused the human and his family enough trouble.” Celestia continued, “We do not belong in this world, and we should not take him back to ours, even if he were to have killed Rainbow intentionally. In addition, we have to stop the Celestia who crossed over in the divided time stream from committing a grave mistake.”
“What do you mean?” Twilight asked.
“The ‘light of guidance’ spell both locks onto the magical signatures of a being who has crossed over, in this case being Rainbow Dash, as well as the beings who have encountered her.” Celestia explained, “Unfortunately, the spell was translated in such a way that we ourselves split into two different time streams. We found the human who had last seen Rainbow Dash, and now there is another Celestia who has found Rainbow Dash herself, or what’s left of her.”
“You don’t mean...” Twilight wondered.
“What have you done to my pupil, you monster?!” the other Celestia yelled at the bewildered man as she flung him across the room with her magic.
The man who had just sold a bunch of stuffed ponies on eBay looked at the six real life ponies with abject fear and confusion. The other Mane Five all accusingly flung the skeletal remains of a small horse at the man.
“We found these buried in your backyard!” other Twilight shouted, “What do you have to say for yourself?!”
“Can’t we all just get along?” the man answered.
Author's Note
And that's all I have to say about that.
