"Oh, dear sweet Odin me head..." Bjorn Hammerfist groaned as he came back into consciousness. Two large, hairy faces greeted him. He blinked, trying to wake up from whatever foul enchantment that human wizard had woven around him and his group. All they'd done was attack one small human emperor's trade caravan, and then some fat court magician had appeared, said some mumbo jumbo that he hadn't heard quite right and now they were in a cave.
"Is chief Hammerfist awake? Was not that big of shock to him, da?" The curious, nervous voice of Ivan Dalakohs floated through his fuzzy consciousness.
"Ach, ich kennst nicht. Let's throw anozer bucket of vater at him." The high, smiling voice of Toke Bromstein came clearly. He focused on the grinning dwarf, who was blocking the view. He knew that Bjorn was awake, he just didn't care.
"Wha-" He was cut off by another impromptu bath in the form of a bucket of water being thrown at him.
"DAMN YOUR EYES, YE BASTARDS!"
Toke grinned. "Es ist nice to see your morning face as well, mein Her-hurk!"
Ivan tried to pry Bjorn off Toke as the furious dwarf tried to strangle him. "I'LL KILL YE, YE LI'LL PILE O' SHIT!"
"S-sir! Calm down! Toke was just trying to help you!" Ivan eventually managed to pry Bjorn off Toke, who sat wheezing as his throat re-inflated itself to normal levels. Bjorn panted, trying to get over the immense amount of rage he had in his heart for Toke right at that moment.
"You're awake now, Bjorn? Tha's good ta hear. Ver' good." Bjorn sighed in relief. Finally, a dwarf who spoke HIS kind of language- George Cavernsmile. The dwarven cave sorcerer was clad head to toe in leather that he'd made from the flayed hide of a mountain lion, which, as was tradition he'd killed with his bear hands (and that isn't an exaggeration or a misspelled word- you have to find a bear, tear off its bear hands, strap them to your bare hands and then use those bear hands tied to your bare hands to kill a mountain lion), with only his beetle-black eyes showing.
Bjorn stepped up. "How's it goin' George? Wha' in th' heel happened on tha' raid?" George scratched his head.
"Weel, ah'm no' sure o' tha' meself, ye ken. All ah knoo is, tha' human wizard shuuted sommin' 'bout hippos and noo we're here. Bu' where e'er we are," he amended as Bjorn started tearing up at the mention of 'hippos,' readying his mighty waraxe, "it's no' any place in any o' th' Kingdoms. No' th' Lizardman Kingdom-"
Ivan grinned heartily as he remembered cutting a lizardman in half with one swing of his axe-
"Nor th' Human KIngdom, obviously. No' e'en th' Elf Kingdom-"
He remembered, too late, about Bjorn's unhealthy, even for a dwarf, hatred of elves. His face started glowing red, his eyes bulged and spittle frothed at the corner of his mouth. As one, every single dwarf started backing away. Except one.
"Um, Bjorn? Bjorn? Calm down, Bjorn."
Unfortunately, Bjorn wasn't able to calm down just yet. Froth continued to bubble until he reached his breaking point. Then, he opened his mouth and let it all fly out. The unfortunate dwarf who'd been near him, nicknamed 'Dopey' by the crew but actually named Duncan Mushroom, was blown back by the sheer force of his exclaimation:
"ELVES!" What followed was a stream of highly inventive profanity.
"Don't talk to me about those stuck-up, carbon-neutral, tree-hugging, eyeliner-wearing, long-distance shooting, latte-drinking, vegetarian, wimpy, weak-jawed, unhealthily thin, extremely inflammable, NON-BEARDED BECAUSE FLEAS LIVE IN BEARDS, long-eared, bear-fucking, blond, pale-skinned, racist to hell and back, Indie and trance music loving cockeaters in my presence! They're nothing more than a bunch of gay illusion using transexual Communist piles of shit that want to take our jobs and hard-earned money!"
Duncan looked at Toke, who was leaning back with a bored expression on his face. "And he's off. He'll be all day with this."
"Um, why is he so... angry at dwarves. Don't get me wrong," Duncan added hastily as Toke looked at him with fire in his eyes, "I hate elves as much as the next guy, but why does Bjorn take it so... strongly?"
Toke facepalmed. "You've been with the company for how many years now, Duncan?"
"Two days, Mr Toke. Sir." Toke nodded.
"Damn straight I'm a sir."
"IN MY OPINION, ELVES ARE THE VERY BLIGHT ON THE EARTH AND ARE THE SOURCE OF ALL DWARVISH PROBLEMS-"
Toke pulled out a lump of beeswax and shoved pieces in his ears. "Lasst mich know when he stops."
"Um, why does he hate elves so much?" George looked at the young dwarf, only fifty years old and this happened to him on his first job. Naturally he took a bit of pity on the younger dwarf.
"It's because he fought in the Beard Wars, son."
Duncan nodded in understanding. The Beard Wars was a horrible time for dwarves. It had started when the king of the elves, in a haze of marijuana tugged the beard of the king of dwarves. The result was a war that lasted for five years and resulted in much devastation and death across the whole continent. The ending of the Beard Wars on March 4th was what brought dwarf families together in patriotic fervour, letting their beards flow freely while a single tear trickled down their face. Then they got back to work in the forge to sell more weapons and armour to the human warlords.
Eventually, Bjorn subsided, his hatred of elves buried underneath his usual bad temper. He took in a deep breath. "Right." Another. "Right. I'm feeling curiously better after that rant."
Duncan stepped up, holding his wide-brimmed helmet nervously in his hands. "Well, we woke up before you did, and we did a bit of scouting."
"Well?"
Duncan started spinning his helmet. "Um, we seem to be stranded in some sort of forest. Not one we know sir." Toke nodded.
"That's true. Doesn't match any map we have and there's no recognisable landmarks for about a mile around us."
Bjorn frowned. "Alrigh'. Alrigh'. I get ye. So, do we hae food? Beer?"
Duncan winced. "We... uh... don't have. Any. Beer that is. We do have lots of water though- we're near a river."
Bjorn's face outwardly didn't change, but inside he was crying out in despair and throwing himself off a cliff.
"Righ'. So, what's our food situation?"
This time, Ivan took over. "Well, I took stock. We have three crates of food to be the eating."
"Wha' hae we?" Ivan looked at the tin.
"Hummus."
Bjorn squinted at the off-white paste in Ivan's hand. "Wha' is it?"
"It's made of lentils. It's an Elvish foodstuff-"
Bjorn was about ready to explode at that. "Elvish? Then why is it still here?"
"Because rest of food is not really edible."
Ivan took out another can, opening it to reveal...
"Offal."
Ivan shook his head earnestly. "Nyet. Is dog food."
Bjorn just stared at Ivan. "It's offal. I would only use this to force-feed some faggot elf." He chuckled darkly, remembering the horrified screams of elves as he forced them to eat their own kind.
"But the only other food is a whole crate of pot noodle."
Bjorn's face twisted in conflict. Pot noodle was one of the official worst foods you could force a person to eat. Human prisons fed it to prisoners who had sensitive information. They caved within days, unable to eat the terribly flavoured noodles.
Finally, Bjorn reached a decision. "Weel, we'll hae' ta eat th' dog fud first, then th' hummus, and then th' pot noodle. I would nae force an ELF to eat that crap."
George stared at Bjorn. "Coming from you, that's almost a compliment." Bjorn levelled a glare at George.
"There're things out there that e'en th' elves dinnae deserve- like pot feckin' noodle." A thought struck him.
"Wha' 'bout huntin'? Why not that?"
Toke was the one to answer. "Because, mein Herr, there are keine Tiere near us."
Bjorn frowned. "No animals? Wha' is this, an elvish forest or summat?"
Meanwhile...
Fluttershy came out and greeted her animal friends. "Good morning, everybody. How have you all been?" Angel hopped up onto her shoulder and started rabbiting on about how her replacement hadn't given him the right salad.
"Oh no, that's awfully dreadful, Angel. Alright, tell you what; I'll make you your favourite salad, exactly how you want it, okay?"
Angel smirked, happy with this outcome.
Meanwhile, Twilight Sparkle was walking to visit Fluttershy's house. "Wow, it's a lovely day today. Good day for Fluttershy and her animal friends then."
Spike nodded. "Well, yeah. I know this."
Twilight blushed. "Sorry Spike. But you have to admit, today is quite nice."
Meanwhile meanwhile, Pinkie Pie was experiencing an entirely new sensation in her Pinkie Sense.
"Ooh, twitchy tail, full-body shiver, frontflip-"
Rainbow Dash interrupted. "Actually, that was a backflip Pinkie-"
"FRONTFLIP!" With that Twitch asserted as a frontflip and not a backflip, Pinkie kept feeling them. "Ooh, crouching down and shivering, that's new..."
"So what is it?"
Pinkie Pie smiled widely. "I have no idea!"
Rainbow Dash just facehooved at Pinkie Pie being Pinkie Pie.
Author's Note
Why the focus on humans?
I'd rather there be sexy, sexy dorfs.
