The Awfully Repetitive Vengeance of Ahuizotl the Terrible-ish

by thesecret1

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Adventure, Daring Do, Ahuizotl
Length: 14439

Daring Do, savior of the Tenochtitlan Valley for more than once, discovers a book. And not just any book. What would you do if the diary of your arch nemesis was suddenly in front of you?

Daring Do, savior of the Tenochtitlan Valley time and time again, discovers a book. And not just any book.

What would you do if the diary of your arch nemesis was suddenly in front of you?

Edited by InquisitorM, Abcron, and Cassius Littner. Especially InquisitorM, though.

Published 2014-05-02 19:30:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-08 21:48:41 UTC

Chapter 3: The Trap

Chapter 3: The Trap

23rd of June, 2351

Things have been hectic. Since I ‘reconsidered’ my plans, there has been some unrest. As if it was my fault! Luckily, both the chieftain and the shaman supported me, seeing as how I came closer to fulfilling their destiny than anyone else. I like them; they’re quite smart for simple savages. Then again, so am I!

It took some persuading, but I convinced the tribe to attack their pegasi – and equally barbaric – neighbours, who held another relic. Normally, the earth ponies would get shredded, but this time they had me. While my strength would be of little use against aerial foes, my intelligence saved the day once again. All it took was feigning retreat and letting the pegasi pursue us deeper into the jungle. There, the trees grew thick and the foliage dense, and our enemies suddenly found themselves grounded. They surrendered when our reserves popped up on all sides.

A glorious victory that cleared up any possible doubts about the right of my leadership. My soldiers ransacked their village, taking the Spear of Xiuhtecuhtli and vast amounts of gold, and rounded up all the pegasi. I wasn’t sure what to do with them at first – the tribal way would be to sacrifice them all on the top of the nearest temple, but I found that rather inefficient. They could be used for labour instead. I have an idea of what to do with them later on, but it still needs a bit more thought.

Nevertheless, the ritual will take place tonight, and I’ll double the guards in case there are any uninvited visitors.

Heh. Didn’t help him much. One of the pegasi got away and searched for ‘the hero that has defeated Ahuizotl ‘the Terrible’ once before already.’ I went there again, disguised as one of his new slaves, bypassed all the guards without a problem, and took it from right under his nose! One would think that if I did it once, he’d be better prepared, but no. Moron.

24th of June, 2351

This mare again! If it had happened once, I’d have thought it was just some random ‘adventurer’ that came in the wrong place at the wrong time, but twice? Is she some self-proclaimed vigilante that considers me a villain, or is she a mercenary? If so, who hired her?

‘Vigilante,’ eh? I like the sound of that. ‘Daring Do, the protector of the Tenochtitlan Valley.’

What’s worse, every time I see her, I remember Parfait. I swear their coats are the exact same colour! Is this some joke played on me by destiny? At least their manes are different, although only barely. Every glance at her hurts me inside, yet I can’t look away either! I have to get rid of her somehow.

‘My crush dumped me, boo-hoo, whine whine whine!’ Get over it, Ahuizotl. You’re a big boy now!

It was fortunate that I won so grandiosely the day before. Had there been more losses on our side, I’m sure they would’ve dethroned me! This mustn’t repeat again. I, despite my utter resentment, ventured into that blasted city again and hired a private investigator to find some information about that mare. I have a feeling she’ll try to foil my future endeavours as well.

A... private investigator? My first book came out at around that time, meaning... Horsefeathers!

25th of June, 2351

The investigator was fast. He delivered a fat file to me this very morning and took the agreed sum of gold without a word.

The picture he took was rather peculiar. Was I fooled twice by a drunkard?

Alright, fine! I celebrated a bit, so what? I was in the money for the first time in my life; I deserved a little party! Doesn’t make me a drunk.

Her name is, apparently, ‘Daring Do,’ and she has spent quite some time adventuring. Nothing too important, though. Mostly grave robbing from ancient pyramids and then dealing with the consequential curses and woken guardians.

“What? Grave robbing?” She slammed her hooves on the desk. “You take that back you mutt-brain! I’m an almost-graduated archaeologist; I was discovering them! I mean what’s the point of having all these priceless works of art collect dust in some old grave? They’re better off in museums and private collections!”

She moved to the Tenochtitlan Valley a few months ago and released a book called ‘Daring Do and the Pharaoh’s Secret,’ the first book of her ‘Saddle Arabia’ series, that quickly rose in popularity and earned her a decent amount of bits. She has shown no desire to quit adventuring.

Well, ‘Daring Do,’ you have proven yourself to be quite a nuisance not to be taken lightly. Next time, I’ll be better prepared.

She started flipping pages. When was the next time he tried to destroy the valley? August? No, September. Or was it October?

25th of September, 2351

Obtaining the relic has been rather troublesome. The Crown of Xiuhtecuhtli is the last of his artefacts, and the tomb it was hidden in was well trapped. Good thing there are so many ponies willing to take extreme risks for just a few ounces on this yellow metal.

I have to succeed this time. This is my last chance – even if the museum wasn’t so well guarded after the last five attempts I made at stealing the artefacts back, I can tell the tribe won’t tolerate another failure. I might even have to craft a plan B. It shouldn’t be necessary, however. The temple is well protected from Daring Do and any other of her ilk now, after the ‘alterations’ I made.

He just keeps on underestimating me, doesn’t he? I have to give it to him, though. I was kind of impressed when I saw his defences...

———

Sweet Celestia, what the heck? Daring regained her balance and stared at the pool of lava she nearly fell into. This... this wasn’t here last time! And neither were the snakes, scorpions, spikes, darts, and who knows what else!

She huffed and looked around the room she’d waltzed into. Except for the little ‘island’ she stood on, it was all lava with only a few rocks popping up here and there, stretching all the way towards the door on the other side. Tiny holes covered the walls and, at seemingly random times, shot out a dart. She looked up and spotted numerous armed figures standing on the balconies above. To top it all off, a massive boulder crashed right behind her, blocking any means of escape. “This is ridiculous! Are you all crazy?” Crazier than usual, at least?

The room reverberated with a deep chuckle. “I’ve been waiting for you, Daring Do.”

The door across the lava lake opened to reveal Ahuizotl.

“How do you know my name, Ahvuilabtl?”

“It’s Ahuizotl, you airhead!” He cleared his throat. “Well, not that it matters now. You shall perish whether you can pronounce my name correctly or not.”

“Oh yeah?” Daring cocked her brow. “And you’re telling me this because...? I mean if you wanted me dead, your goons would’ve already shot so many arrows through me that I’d look like a pincushion. Or do you just like to brag?”

He snorted. “‘Bragging’ is beneath me. I only wanted to give you the courtesy of last words.”

In other words, you’re bragging. “Last words? How about ‘Ahuizactal is a doofus?’” She took off and held her trusty, reinforced hat in her hooves, using it as a shield against the darts.

“It’s Ahuizotl, you– Shoot at her, what are you waiting for?”

The tribals fired as one, their arrows whizzing centimetres away from her, some even getting caught in her tail and mane. The hat looked more and more like a hedgehog as she countered each and every arrow aimed at her, and the lava underneath singed her tail after she dived to avoid a ballista bolt. Freaking ballistas? Really? Despite all that, she managed to fly to the other end of the room uninjured.

“Accept your death with dignity, Daring Do!”

She rolled her eyes and dove towards him, swooping through the open door into the rooms behind while very nearly hitting his head.

Daring shot through several hallways before slowing down, and her face broke into a wide grin. I... I can’t believe I’m still alive. His archers are the shoddiest I’ve ever seen! She landed in a large, spacious hall and looked at her hat. Yeah, this is ruined. She threw it away and focused on a large pedestal in the room’s centre.

While the rest of the building suffered under the thick cover of plants and the ancient stone looked like it was going to fall any second, the pedestal seemed freshly carved, its white surface covered by various decorative ornaments. The purpose of it was obvious – a large crown made of solid gold that sat atop it, unprotected and ripe for the taking.

Come to mama.

Daring trotted over and reached for it, but her hoof stopped moving moments before it made contact and her eyes stared at the circlet.

I hate him. I hate him so freaking much.

A large spider eyed her from inside the crown, its mandibles as big as knives and dripping with poison. It turned towards the hoof and flexed its legs.

“Shoo! Go away! Eat some mosquitoes or whatever.”

The spider didn’t move an inch.

She groaned and put her hoof next to the artefact. “You asked for it, buddy.” She swept the crown off the pedestal.

Now that shou– The spider was faster than it looked and sprung from inside the crown right onto her hoof, clutching its eight long, furry legs around it.

Sweet-mother-of-Celestia!

“Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!” Tears sprung into Daring’s eyes as she spun like a giddy-go-round, screaming while trying to shake off her front leg.

Meanwhile, Ahuizotl ascended the stairs and leaned against the wall, a small smirk playing upon his face.

“Ah, here you are, Daring Do. I see you have fou–”

“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up and get it off me! Quiiiick!” Her face turned red and wet like a freshly cut watermelon. “I swear I’m going to finish you off for this! I’ll push you into your stupid lava pool; I’ll tie that stupid tail of yours to a boulder and send it rolling downhill! I’ll–” The spider finally lost it’s grip and flew off her hoof – right onto Ahuizotl.

He chuckled and swept it off. “You’re foolish to think I’d be afraid of something I used to eat back at– Hey! Hooves off my crown!”

“Too late.” Daring grabbed it from the floor and sat it atop her head, flexing her wings. “So, any parting words? You know, to repay your courtesy earlier.”

Ahuizotl’s gaze dug into her as he repeatedly clenched his fists. “I’ll... I’ll pay you if you give it to me. I have heaps of gold, piles of it! You wouldn’t have to care about money for the rest of your life!”

Daring furrowed her brow and rubbed her chin. “Nice offer, buuuut... I’m not really doing it for the money, so no deal. Sorry. See you next time!” She took off, laughing.

“Curse you, Daring Do! You dirty little thief!” He rushed after her, shaking his tail-fist like a rattlesnake.

“You ruined my hat – I had to replace it somehow!” she called at him as she flew into the horizon.

———

I wonder who put him up to all those crazy contraptions. Ridiculous, every last one of them. I admit I’m kind of flattered he went to such lengths to defend against me, though. I mean most bad guys just hire a hitpony or something.

26th of September, 2351

I can’t believe it; all is lost! They don’t know the crown is gone yet since I said she took a replica, but it won’t be long. I have to make my move by then.

Curse that Daring Do – curse her to Tartarus! The pegasi worked day and night to build that trap. Can’t she show a bit of respect for their work and die as intended? It’s true this is, in part, my fault: I shouldn’t have gone in there. The door would be closed and she’d have no chance then. But could I not come? She looks so much like Parfait; I had to go and watch. Still, the tribals should’ve been better! There were dozens of them, and her only casualty was a hat? They deserve what’s coming to them!

If only things had gone a bit differently. I’d be on my way south right now. The gall when she refused my offer! ‘Not doing it for the money’ – well what does she do it for then? Either she styles herself as some hero of sorts, which I find doubtful, or she goes through all the trouble for the thrills. She doesn’t actually care one bit for the city or the ponies in it; she just wants to experience an adventure!

“What?” She jumped up from her seat, her eyes intent on burning a hole in the page. “Lies! Who does he think he is, slandering me like that? I care about ponies! So what if I enjoy the adrenaline coursing through my veins, the tingling on my spine, or the... the feeling when I take a breath, knowing it could be my last?”

Her eyes glazed over before she shook her head and scowled again.

“Doesn’t mean things like... uh... justice, kindness... honour... and all the rest mean nothing to me!”

She frowned and sat back down. “Shows what a blockhead he is. And here I was, thinking he had a brain in that head of his, that some of those traps were rather smart. I guess I can’t expect much from an evil villain that crawled out of the jungle.”

It’s aggravating that somepony like that could defeat me time and time again. I’d wager she even found my trap entertaining! Well, Daring Do, this kind of ‘fun’ will be your doom one day.

My mom told this to me countless times already; I don’t need you repeating it.

It doesn’t matter anymore. I have to focus on the plan.

27th of September, 2351

The plan worked. In a way. Sort of. The idea was to free the slaves, present myself as their liberator, defeat the earth pony tribe, and carry on with my plans. The pegasi, while a bit bitter for making them slaves in the first place, agreed to follow, as I was their only way to freedom and have already proven myself a capable leader. The plan worked well up until there.

Then a guard walked in on me undoing their chains and called for reinforcements. Unequipped and weak, the pegasi stood no chance in a fight, so I ordered retreat. Now we’re stuck trudging through this confounded jungle with several patrols looking for us! Blast it! I suppose my plans for revenge will have to be postponed until I find a new way to get back at the city, because the temple is clearly no longer an option. If I at least had some funds...

Chapter 4: Captivity

Chapter 4: Captivity

10th of August, 2352

I haven’t written anything here in ages! I’ve been too busy for that. The year was filled with misfortune as we fled from one ruin to another, seeking artefacts, gold, or even just food. It was all in vain and my ‘friends’ fell prey to illnesses, beasts, traps, or simply left to try braving the jungle on their own. Until now.

Today we found what we thought was yet another desolate temple of some forgotten deity, but, after entering, found it inhabited with some bird-like creatures. Normally we’d flee. However, the riches we saw from just peeking in the entrance filled us with renewed vigour, and the brutality with which the pegasi fought left me speechless. Had they fought like that when I tried subjugating them all that time ago, I would’ve surely failed. Despite our losses, the temple with all its wealth now belongs to us.

I don’t even recognise their god or anything about them, really. The jungle holds many secrets even from its own, it seems. Still, the gold inside is welcome, as with it one can bring nearly as much destruction to a city as an ancient curse. Daring Do can’t just steal such a pile either, so that’s a bonus. I can’t wait to see her try!

Yeah, I tried alright.

21st of August, 2352

Never underestimate the power of bits. One can go and hire anypony to do anything for him! All it takes is going to the less reputable taverns in the city and telling the more ‘shady’ customers that you have an offer for them and that they should bring their friends. After less than a week, I had several well supplied raiding parties and even a ship with crew! How can one destroy a city? Cut it off from the rest of the world and watch as it devolves into a ghetto filled with poverty!

No trade, no goods, no money. Not as good as eight centuries of sweltering heat – I can only keep this up until the word reaches the capital and they send troops here – but I suppose it’ll have to do. Eight centuries is overdoing it a bit anyway. The sight of Parfait going through garbage to find something to eat will satisfy me well enough, even if it should only last a while. An eye for an eye, humiliation for humiliation. Furthermore, if we manage to intercept every messenger and force any travellers inside the city, it could be as much as a year before anyone notices, seeing how remote this place is. Better yet, if many ponies are kept inside, the situation will worsen even faster. I’m a genius!

Fine, you had a good idea for once. So what? Doesn’t give you bragging rights.

25th of August, 2352

Hah! I have barely started, yet I’m triumphant already! The famed Daring Do is sitting in my cell, caught and helpless like a moth in a jar. I didn’t even have to build any traps; she just walked straight up to my men and got captured!

How was I supposed to know Broken Flask was working for you? He owed me some money for a game of darts, and when I came to pick it up, he and several of his friends jumped me! It was just unfair. I didn’t even know you were behind those bandits before that!

I don’t feel like ending her just yet. I mean where’s the satisfaction in that? There are far better things to do with your enemy. Just seeing the defeat in her face is priceless! Hearing all the insults from her mouth not so much, but she’ll tire of it eventually, or I’ll cut back on her food rations.

I nearly starved to death, dumbass! You could’ve at least told me it was because of the insults!

I wonder what else to do with her, however. Having such a trophy is nice and creates this pleasant, warm feeling in my chest, yet there ought to be yet better uses. But what?

That’s it! I’ll have her write a book about me, about my magnificent victory, and then have it published. My victory will be utter, and her humiliation complete.

Daring rolled her eyes. I’d rather cut off both my front legs than to write something like that. ‘Make sure to mention I’m handsome. And smart. And that while I come from humble origins, I have achieved great things. And that I rose from ashes like a phoenix and returned with renewed vigour. Also that I’m strong and dress with great taste. Oh, and don’t forget...’ No. Just... no.

30th of August, 2352

She’s stubborn. Everything she writes is either satire or an outright mockery. I still didn’t get to describe my teary past to her; she botched up even the prologue about her capture! ‘Writer’s block’ my buttocks, she just refuses to cooperate! At least the plan with the city is working; I hear the more uncommon goods like spices or sugar have already ran out in there.

3rd of September, 2352

Sat down with her today and had a lengthy discussion on a variety of topics. I admit I’m rather impressed – she’s proven to know a fair bit about culture and art. Rather unexpected, considering how she presents herself, but I’ll be the first one to admit that looks can deceive. Little progress on the writing side of things, but at least the insults have stopped and she said my name right for the first time. Maybe she has come to respect me after all?

5th of September, 2352

Had another talk with her, this time in a calm and polite manner. Perhaps she wasn’t lying about the writer’s block. After all, the cell is a rather uninspiring place and I know that one can’t create art on a whim. The mockery was uncalled for, but I did tell her that unless she writes me a paper, she won’t get any food or water. I’ll see if I can arrange some kind of improvement. A stroll outside might just be enough to kick-start her artistic side.

The corners of her mouth twitched.

You’re so gullible it’s almost cute, Ahuizotl.

———

“Come on! Seriously?” Daring Do thrashed around like a wounded caterpillar, her whole body tied up with a thick rope that enveloped her from neck to hooves.

“Boss said no risks,” a burly stallion, who introduced himself as None-of-your-business, said while carrying her on his back.

“I know, but... don’t you think this a bit too much?”

“Do I look like I care?”

Daring pouted. “Ahuizotl also said that I’m supposed to gather some inspiration in here.” She looked across the barren, rocky surroundings. “Does this look like a place for it?”

He puffed and threw her down on the ground.

“Ouch!”

“Seems like as good a place as any. You’ll just paint something sad and dark or whatever it is you’re supposed to do.”

“Write!” She jerked herself into a sitting position and scowled at him. “And sad isn’t going to work. He wants me to write a book about how great his victory is and what not. It can’t be all weepy!”

“Yeah, well, too bad. He didn’t say anything about that to me, just that I should bring you outside.” He sat down and pulled out a sandwich. “Look around as long as you wish. I have plenty of time.”

Daring Do sighed. “Look, you’re angry that you gotta baby-sit me; I get that. You probably want to do something much more entertaining instead.”

“You got that one right.” He nodded. “A casino opened in the base yesterday, and they have some nice looking waitresses!”

“Uh... Riiight...”

“Like the one in that blue outfit – you should’ve seen how hot her–”

“I don’t need to hear the details!” She frowned while he chuckled. “Look, the point is that if I don’t get inspired today, you’ll have to bring me outside again tomorrow. You’d lose another day of... whatever it is you want to do.”

He rubbed his chin. “Nah. He’d just dump it on somepony else.”

“Not if I tell him that you seem to wake... artistic urges in me or something.” She sneered and waggled her eyebrows.

He chewed for a few more seconds before his brows clashed together. “Oh, to hay with this!” He threw away the rest of his sandwich. “Fine! Where in Tartarus do you want to go?”

“The Orchid Burrow has always inspired me.”

“What? Do you have any idea just how bloody far that is? That’s half a day of travel!”

Daring gasped. “Is it? I had no idea at all. It’s a good thing you’ll carry me on your back the whole way then.” She smirked.

“Like hay I will!” He grabbed her by the tail and started dragging her away. “Pretty sure you’ll get inspired soon!”

“Ow!” While the rope protected her from the rocky road, pieces of gravel and pebbles still got through the gaps and bruised bits of her skin. “Stop it, pea-brain! Ahuizotl won’t like it if I return half-dead!”

“Ugh!” He let go of her. “I’m not carrying you all the way over there. Find something closer.”

“Sorry, but I can feel that only that place can inspire me. But...” Daring furrowed her brow. “You know... there’s another option. You could just untie my legs and let me walk on my own.”

“Yeah, so you could run away. Who do you take me for, an idiot?” He shook his head. “No can do.”

“Come on. You could just... I don’t know. Put me on a leash or something.”

He cocked his brow and smiled. “You mean like a dog?”

She blushed. “That’s... not the word I’d–”

“Yeah... Yeah, that’s sounds like a great idea! Let me leash you like pet you are, because that’s all there is to you – a little doggy for boss’s amusement, kept in her cage!” He laughed and started untying the rope.

The moment he unwrapped her hind legs, she kneed him in the head and jumped on her hooves. The thug got back up and charged her like a bull seeing red, roaring and cursing. She dove and smashed into his legs, knocking them away like bowling pins and sending him head-first into the nearest boulder.

She rolled over and cut herself free with his knife. He was still breathing; he’d be fine. Probably.

Now to put an end to my dear nemesis’s bandit racket.

———

“Okay, so, tell me why I shouldn’t just turn you over to Ahuizotl and get a nice bonus to my pay,” the brown, scarred stallion said.

“Well, for starters, you owe me an apology for turning me over the first time.” Daring Do sat on a stool in an ugly, desolated hovel of the equally ugly pony. “I mean come on, Broken Flask. You know that what you did was rather mean. But I’ll be the bigger mare here and even write off that dart debt.”

“I think I’ll much rather get paid for capturing you. Again.”

“Don’t you know friends are more important than money?”

He smirked. “Bits are my best friends and I feel like hanging out with a lot of them.” He stood up and reached for a rope. “So, if you hit yourself on the head or something and think I’ll help you out of the infinite goodness of my heart...”

Daring started examining her foreleg, turning and flexing it in the light. “Then there’s that minor thing with enormous riches you could get if you help me. More than you’d ever earn from working under Ahuizotl. Nothing compared to my friendship, of course.”

Broken Flask smiled. “Now that sounds interesting.” He started fiddling with the rope. “I just doubt you have such a treasure. I heard that all those bits you earned from your writing are gone now.”

“True, I don’t have that kind of money.” Daring grinned. “But Ahuizotl does. And there’s a certain mare who he ordered to capture at any cost. So, if I were to fly by the treasury...”

“...the guards would all go after you, and the room would be ready for plunder!” His eyes sparkled like two golden coins in the sunlight.

“Precisely! And if you bring a few friends to carry it all away, Ahuizotl won’t have any funds left to get back at you! Nopony’s going to work for him for free. Well, maybe those weird pegasi he brought with him, but there’s not many of them.”

Broken Flask rubbed his chin. “What about the boss himself? What if he comes? Off him?”

“No way!” Daring recoiled the moment the words left her mouth, furrowing her brow.

“Why not?

“Because... uh… because he looks kind of tough. He could hold you off long enough for the reinforcements to come. If he interrupts you while you’re looting, just run with what you have – don’t fight. I can always try again.”

He nodded. “Sounds reasonable. Let’s do this. I’ll be ready in two hours.” He laid down the rope and walked out of the room.

———

I couldn’t really have had Ahuizotl get killed back then, could I? What would I write about? A hero is nothing without her villain. Even if the villain employs a spear-throwing maniac that just manages to score a lucky hit! I can’t believe I had to go to the hospital. Worst two months of my life – I swear even Ahuizotl fed me better than they did! At least I stopped the raiding and took all his bits. She frowned. Come to think of it, I was a hero. I deserved better food! ‘Rations’ my flank, they had two months to restock! I’m definitely mentioning it in my next book.

7th of September, 2352

I have no words. What has happened yesterday – how? I had her! I had her! She was tied up and locked in a cell and the city was suffering! Everything was perfect.

Why did I go all soft on her? I must have lost my mind. Of course she fled! I was practically asking for it! I’m an idiot!

A large inkblot in a vague shape of a giant hand stained the rest of the page.

Wow, calm down. You should be used to defeat by now.

Wonderful. That’s a quill ruined. Just the thing to fix my mood. I suppose I could easily buy a dozen new ones, if my men hadn’t stolen every single bit I had left! Curse them! When I get my hands on them, I’ll–

Positive thoughts. I have to stay positive. I still have the ruin and the pegasi, and the plan wasn’t a complete failure. The city was on the brink of starvation, from what I’ve heard. I didn’t get to enjoy seeing Parfait on her knees, but I suppose the knowledge she probably did suffer somewhat will have to do. I refuse to waste any more time with it; my revenge now has a new target. What Daring Do did was distasteful. I showed her my good will, and this is what I get in turn? It’s personal now.

You also imprisoned me and demanded some stupid paper on how great you were! Sorry for not being more appreciative.

From now on, I shall devote all my efforts on getting back at her. I can’t very well let her run around and go south myself anyway – should she spot me there, I’d immediately be imprisoned. I doubt my former acquaintances would care to talk, seeing how they’d touch the subject of their banditry, and nopony else has actually seen me up close after I left the city. And before that... well, before that I wasn’t a wanted criminal – they can’t arrest me for being the same species as the ‘villain that led the raiding parties that we have a vague description of.’ Not without a witness that could confirm that him and me are one and the same.

From now on it’s you and me, Daring Do. Be assured that I won’t underestimate you the next time we meet.

Come to think of it, that’s probably the root of the problem – I kept underestimating her because I still saw her as Parfait deep down. I saw her as a petty, narrow-minded bigot that doesn’t see further ahead than on the tip of her muzzle, just like everypony else in that place.

“Stop comparing me to your crush! If you need somepony to take it out on, use her, not me! Like it’s my fault we look similar.” She huffed. “If I’m to be hated, I’d rather it was for something I did, not some cheap lookalike. Didn’t he say she had an ugly nose earlier or something? Do I have an ugly nose?”

She reached to her muzzle.

“Of course not! Idiot. To think I actually pitied him a bit!”

Daring Do is different, however. She’s not Parfait – only after our talks lately did I finally wrap my mind around something so obvious! I was defending against somepony she’s not; of course I failed.

About time.

Daring Do, despite the seeming dopiness...

Hey!

...is actually rather intelligent and crafty. Unlike Parfait and her ilk, she has no problems dealing with those below her, as she’s shown yesterday, and is, above all, brave. Combined with her undeniable physical prowess, she truly is a great opponent and a complete opposite of the city’s regular denizens.

Daring Do blushed. Well... I guess he got at least something right.

It’s a shame we’re on the opposite sides of the battlefield. Had I a second-in-command as capable as her, the city would probably be nothing but a smoking ruin right now. With things the way they are and with her betraying my trust the way she did, however, I’ll have to dispose of her completely.

Chapter 5: A Beast

Chapter 5: A Beast

10th of September, 2352

I wonder which quality of mine would be the most remembered after I passed away? Would it be my cunning? Or the intensity with which I plot against my enemies? Or perhaps my ability to make the most out of what I have?

If I was to pick, I’d say it would be my recovery skills. Whenever my minions are crushed, whenever my funds go dry, whenever I end up trudging through the jungle with nothing but bitterness in my throat, I always return in full force. No matter how hard I fall, I get back up and try again. Few succeed and make it back to the top.

I am, fortunately, one of the few chosen by fortune, it seems. Just look at what I’ve managed! Three days ago, I was running back to my last few loyal servants like a beaten dog. Today, I stand strong and proud, the temple swelling with my underlings. True, luck played a large role in this, but it was also all, by extension, my doing.

Those bird-like beings we evicted from here earlier found themselves homeless, just as we did before. By a streak of luck, they found their way to the earth-pony tribe and decided to conquer their temple! The ragtag remains of the tribe then wandered the jungle and, seeing this nice place I have, begged me to let them stay and were willing to obey any of my commands. The irony of the situation is not lost on me. I don’t even feel sad about the defeat anymore!

That’s not the end of it, however. The pegasi kept themselves busy and trained several beasts to assist me. A tiger! A cheetah! A panther! A lynx! And, well, a housecat. I suppose they just trained anything they could get their hooves on, but I didn’t complain. The cat is fuzzy and kind of fun to play with.

As for Daring Do, I already have something prepared. Word has reached me about a certain statue of high value in one of the tombs nearby. If this information ‘leaked’ into the city, I doubt she could resist. Especially if I throw in some nonsense about it destroying the world should it get in the wrong hands. If I obtained the artefact myself and placed it into some room filled with traps, I could get rid of her and even have a nice souvenir to sell, killing two birds with one stone.

Daring shuddered. Spiders, snakes, spikes, quicksand, and who knows what else – Ahuizotl didn’t hold back. He got me with that one. I was lucky he was dumb enough to put the lever that stops the trap inside the trap. And yet all I got for the trouble was a lousy piece of sapphire. ‘High value,’ hah! Netted me less than the book I wrote about it – ‘Daring Do and the Quest for the Sapphire Stone.’

16th of November, 2352

Ah, well, that’s two more months thrown out of the window, I suppose. And I made sure the trap would be perfect! Shame. I should have listened to the pegasi architect – the lever inside was a bad idea.

Yet I really wanted to speak with her one last time, before the trap squished her! I’m not even sure why, it just felt like the right thing to do. After all, we’ve known each other for some time already, have we not? And I must say that the look on her face when she realised that I fooled her once again was priceless! Maybe hire a photographer next time? No, I suppose that would disrupt the whole ‘you’re about to die in some forgotten ruin’ atmosphere.

On the positive side of things, Parfait didn’t come to my mind at any moment. Not even when I looked at Daring Do, despite their similarity. Come to think of it, I haven’t thought about Parfait in weeks. Good. Now I can finally focus on my plans without any such distractions.

Getting over your crush? About time. Maybe you’ll finally stop comparing me to some stuck-up duchess!

30th of December, 2352

‘Daring Do and the Quest for the Sapphire Stone?’ What is this? I’m described as an insane, bloodthirsty idiot! And what is Daring Do playing at? A.K. Yearling? What is that supposed to mean? Does she think I’m stupid? That I’ll think it was written by somepony else? ‘Oh, A.K. Yearling. Never heard of her. It must be a coincidence that she writes about the exact same things that had happened here!’

Actually, it was to boost popularity. My agent said that since nopony believes the things in my books anyway, I might as well brand the next one fiction and start a new series under an alias. It’d look like some self-insert story otherwise. I thought it was a load of nonsense, but hey, it worked and ‘Daring Do and the Quest for the Sapphire Stone’ was a hit.

An outrage is what this is! I mean the events are in order, more or less, but the adjectives! ‘The short sighted opponent,’ ‘the badly constructed trap,’ ‘the brutish creature!’ A smear campaign! Just you wait until I get my hand on you, Daring Do!

Come on. You are kind of threatening up close. And the readers want some scary villain! Couldn’t disappoint them. Although seeing how I wrote back then, I already might’ve… Compound adjectives are my bane! Still, that doesn’t excuse him for getting it wrong as well.

Daring started flipping through the pages. The fortress of Talicon, The Amulet of Atonement, Radiant Shield of Rasdon… She hardly even saw Ahuizotl during all that. It made sense, considering the sheer amount of traps she had to get past: he was probably busy overseeing them all, and the journal showed it as well.

Page after page detailed every single trap she’d encountered. Only an occasional text about the construction progress broke up what was more and more resembling a manual rather than an actual journal. If nothing else, Ahuizotl was obviously in his forte. Oh, this one was nasty. I even had nightmares about it for the next two weeks!

She skipped a few more entries, her eyes landing on a picture of a bottle with some sleeping powder and a wooden sprayer.

Heh. This one captured me. Being in a cell again was actually a relief, in a way – I was spent from all that dodging and fighting for my life! A break was exactly what I have needed. Heh. Even had some fun in there. The only time I actually saw Ahuizotl throughout the whole thing.

———

Daring sat on a stack of hay, humming herself a tune as she finished yet another plate of fruit. “One more, please,” she said to the small hole at the top of the wooden door.

“Uhh...” The guard opened the peephole and looked at her, cocking his brow. “I-I’m still not sure if this is what he meant by ‘take care of her.’”

“What’s there not to get?” She smiled. “He obviously wanted you to close me in here and take care of me. He could just kill me outright if he didn’t want me to survive, so he doesn’t want me to starve to death. I’m still hungry!” And I just found out that mangos are delicious!

She examined the pegasus through the hole. He was young and, although he was covered in various paints that marked him a tribal, it looked anything but intimidating on his scrawny figure. Milksop. “When is Ahuizotl coming anyway? I thought he’d be here right away, gloating and whatnot. Not just send you over.”

“Umm... well...” He scratched his head. “He doesn’t have w-wings and is far away. It’ll take him a bit longer.”

Daring Do sprang up. “How much longer?”

“A... few hours? Three, if he’s quick?”

“Oh.” Daring nodded and laid back. “So, what’s it like working for a maniac?”

“H-he’s not a maniac. He got us a new home and brought us wealth.”

Daring grinned. “Whatever you say. But... you seem kind of nervous. What’s the matter?”

“Y-you’re pretty!” He covered his mouth with his hooves. “I-I mean...”

“Well, you’re not too bad yourself.” She winked at him. “What is it you like about me? Maybe my cuuurves?” She started playing with her tail, twirling it around her hoof.

His face turned redder than a chilli pepper. “U-um... Err...”

“Come on, don’t be shy.”

“I r-really like your... eyes.”

“My eyes, huh? How about you bring me those mangos, and maybe then I’ll let you stare at them from up close?”

“U-up close?”

“Yes, real close.” She grinned. “Who knows how far apart our lips would be, hmm?”

He continued staring at her.

Oh, for Celestia’s sake! “Mangos! Chop-chop!”

“R-right!” He ran off and returned not half a minute later, together with a bowl full of orange fruit.

“Great! Now open the door.”

He recoiled. “I can’t do that.”

Daring Do sighed and massaged her temples. “Alright. I realise that you jungle folks aren’t the brightest. To clarify, what I meant earlier was that we would kiss. Sorry for demanding such an unreasonable amount of intelligence from you. Now, one can’t really kiss through a closed door, unless you expect me to grow a trunk and stick it through the peephole. So open it already!”

“Right!” He started fumbling with the lock.

I swear Ahuizotl put this dolt here just to annoy me!

“Here are the mangos,” he said, walking in and puckering his lips.

Daring reached for the bowl with one hoof and for the keys with the other. She launched the mangos in the pegasus’s face, yanked out the keychain, and pushed him inside her cell. “Sorry, you’re not my type,” she said as she locked the door. “Besides, I don’t date little colts!” She laughed and turned around.

Ahuizotl stared at her from the other end of the hall. “Daring Do?”

“Ahuizotl?” She turned back to the pegasus. “You said three hours!”

“Yes, three hours minimum!” The guard nodded. “Unless he took a chariot. Then it’d be much faster, of course.”

Daring’s face reddened as she grit her teeth. Moron! I swear I’ll–

“What is the meaning of this?” Ahuizotl asked. “How did you get out of your cell?” He looked at the pegassus. “How did you get inside?”

“S-she said she was going to kiss me.”

“What?” Ahuizotl’s brows clashed together. “Explain!”

Daring’s eyes jumped around the hall and saw that, apart from other cells, there were no doors except the exit behind Ahuizotl. “He told me I was pretty, so I just played along. Use smarter guards next time.”

Ahuizotl started marching forward, his eyes bloodshot. “You did what?”

“Uh...” Daring took a step back. “I told him that–”

“Not you, him!”

The pegasus gulped.

“This is treason! A complete and utter breach of the very core of your assignment! Disloyalty and incompetence combined!” He stomped closer and closer to them, the path forward blocked completely by his massive frame. “To solicit the enemy, unbelievable!”

Daring started sweating. “Calm down; you got me. Let’s not get unreasonable.”

“Calm down? Unreasonable?” Ahuizotl stood only meters away, baring his teeth like a rabid dog. “I’ve had enough of this! It’s either you” – he looked at her – “or it’s one of my own men! This time, the traitors will be punished.” He leapt forward, barging through the locked door.

Daring Do dove between his legs, skidding on the floor and jumping back into the air the moment his body passed above her. Then, something grabbed her from behind. What is– to hay with that stupid tail-hand!

She flapped her wings as fast and hard as she could, but to no avail. Ahuizotl pulled her closer, stomping on the fallen door and roaring like a lion as sobs emanated from under it.

She pulled at the tail, even punched it, but it was no use – it started enveloping her like a rope, tying her up completely. “Let go!”

She bit it.

Ahuizotl yelped, and the tail started squeezing her with a force that no ‘limb’ as thin as that should ever have. “I said...” It squeezed the air out of her lungs. “Let go...” She gasped for air. “You beast!”

She bit him again with all the strength she could muster.

Ahuizotl yelped – more like a beaten-up dog than a ferocious lion. She already tasted blood when he finally released her.

About time! She flew away without a single look back.

“Curse you, Daring Do!”

———

On second thought, it actually wasn’t that funny. It was like he went crazy all of a sudden!

4th of April, 2353

‘A beast,’ says the one who nearly bit off my tail. Well, it’s true that I got rather... carried away. I’m not even sure why, it was as if a red haze suddenly covered my eyes. Breaking down the door like some brute and then using physical violence like that... not my best moment, I admit. What even came over me? When he said he fell for her despicable feminine wiles as if it was some sort of defense, it was as if he said ‘come here and punch me.’ The consequence of being betrayed one too many times, I suppose.

Still, I wasn’t exactly fair towards the guard – he didn’t deserve to have his legs crushed by the door, even though he did betray me. Who can blame him? Who could resist her undeniable charms? Her well-shaped hips, her heavenly face, her pearly smile, her roguish mane or, how did he say it? ‘Magenta eyes as sweet as syrup, which refuse to let you go and in which you drown.’ A fitting description, I’d say.

Daring Do looked herself over, her cheeks burning with crimson. Do I... really look like that?

It’s true that only a being as mature and wise as I could be immune to these distractions.

Yeah, right! So immune that you write about my hips even in your little diary! Why didn’t you say you just wanted a kiss too, you poor little thing? Hah!

It was unreasonable of me to expect a lowly tribal pegasus, a young one at that, to be able to resist. I hope he makes a quick recovery so that I can punish him properly – he still betrayed me, his fault or not. I can’t just let that slip. Two months of mango-picking duty should drive any thoughts of her out of his head.

I somehow doubt that.

I suppose one learns with mistakes. Next time, the guard will be old and married. Or maybe I should hire a mare for this? Or I’ll just put Daring Do in a trap that requires no guards. No risk of seduction there. Then, however, I won’t have her under any supervision – risky.

This will require some thought. Still, I feel my traps are getting better and better; I’ll get her next time; I’m sure of it!

Chapter 6: The Fortress of Talicon

Chapter 6: The Fortress of Talicon

And here we go – my last adventure before this one: The Fortress of Talicon!

2nd of July, 2353

Today, a funny thing happened that only reassured me that I am, indeed, a child of fortune. I spent the majority of the past few months searching through the jungle for any baubles that I could claim have mystical powers. Just something to get Daring Do interested and lure her into my traps – worthless pieces of carved rock and similar junk. One could often find better crafted things in a souvenirs shop. Who would’ve thought that some of them might indeed hold some power?

I’m talking about the golden rings we found. I went with the good old story of eight centuries of sweltering heat, for nostalgia’s sake. Daring Do managed to steal them, of course, just like everything else, but it wasn’t that difficult to re-obtain the most of them with my private army.

What’s more, an earth pony shaman, the one who supported me all that time ago, survived the bird-beings’ onslaught and came here with the rest of his tribe. Being curious, he started studying the carvings on my temple’s walls and, although it took him quite a while, managed to translate them! Well, more or less. We have the general idea of what they mean.

Those circlets are apparently artefacts closely linked to the bird-folk – to this temple in particular. We followed the instructions on the walls – or rather guessed – and found a secret room. There, covered by dust and grime, stood a stone pillar with a golden ring at its bottom!

I’m not sure what would happen if we were to remove it, but probably nothing pleasant. The picture of the temple being crushed by a giant, god-like talon was rather self-explanatory.

Should we complete it, on the other hand, these winged deities should descent upon the land. I can’t tell whether that is good or bad yet, but that’s not important. Daring will come and she will try to get the rings. If she fails, my revenge will finally be complete and I’ll be free to leave this blasted jungle behind! If she succeeds, she’ll get crushed – or whatever is supposed to happen – and I’ll succeed as well!

Do you have any idea just how angry I was when I heard you’ve found like the tenth way of cursing the valley? I thought that somepony must have been manufacturing those artefacts for you!

7th of July, 2353

Where is she? Only one ring remains now, and she still hasn’t shown up! I’ve already hired some archaeologist to get the last ring for me; what do I do when it arrives? The tribals expect me to finish it – they went through a lot of trouble to obtain them all! Just having them lie around would undermine my authority. I can’t tell them I’m doing it all to get back at a single mare: I’d sound ridiculous!

Ancient bird deities... I really, really don’t want to find out what they would do once they saw we chased off their worshippers. I told the tribals that it’ll bring doom to the city and make it ripe for pillage, and now they won’t shut up about it.

One would think that the one time I actually have something that could doom the world, she’d come right away, but instead she’s slacking off somewhere! Getting drunk in some lowly pub, no doubt.

I’m not a drunk, alright? It was just that one time! Besides, I had the last ring, so there was no rush. Couldn’t have known that Caballeron would find me and all.

Got caught easily too. Like a rookie. Stupid fan! I even had to lie and say I planned getting caught – ridiculous! Then again, she did help me afterwards and I wouldn’t have made it out without her. It was her fault I got into that situation in the first place, though! Amateur.

9th of July, 2353

Didn’t account for the other pegasus helping her – she’d end in the debris as well otherwise. Hardly matters now, though; the objectives have changed.

Yes, the temple is gone and we’re homeless once again, but I’m sure we’ll find some other ruin soon – it’s unimportant. It’s hardly the first time, after all. The important thing is that I have realised something about myself. Something that I’ve been carrying for quite a while now.

It’s the trap I used this time – it was perfectly designed. I could watch from above and it was still extremely deadly and near-impossible to escape. At least on paper. When I saw the water rise, however, knowing full well that she’s about to die, I... I had to leave. I couldn’t stand watching it, watching my revenge and triumph! Instead I just went and gave the last ring to the savages. Bird-like deities? Pffft, I didn’t care in the least – I just played the part of an evil lunatic like an actor in a play. What did it matter when I felt dead inside? Daring Do’s new friends provided some amusement, at least.

Realised it’s no fun without the good ol’ me, didn’t you? Nopony to fight against, right?

Needless to say that I was surprised when I turned around, the final ring in my hand, and saw Daring Do removing the last one! How did she escape? It made no sense! Even if she had help, there was no way they could... then it hit me. The temple was ancient and in disrepair – the stones were loose almost everywhere! And I knew that. I knew that well – I’ve been living there for months!

It was a lame trap, alright.

I have known that the trap was, in all likeliness, in need of repair, yet I did nothing. Every other trap I’ve ever used in that temple had been fixed, except this one. Every other trap also had flaws – small ones, but still. This one didn’t. In other words, the one time Daring would undoubtedly die, I left her a loophole so that she could survive.

It’s funny. I realised it right after I got out of the rubble and felt relieved for some reason. Why in the world would I feel relieved? I should’ve been mad with anger, shouldn’t I? Yet all I could think about was that she escaped and was well. It was all that mattered at the time.

What… what exactly did you realise?

Thinking back, it was obvious. Postponing the death sentence, asking her to write a biography, looking at her until the very end... I missed her.

I don’t like where this is going.

It was never about any revenge – maybe the first two or three times, but not more. I simply wanted her to come, and this was the easiest way of doing it.

She gulped.

There is no way of going around it now. I’m in–

Daring Do slammed the book shut, her face redder than a freshly cut grapefruit.

———

Ahuizotl clenched his teeth. “Catch her!” Daring Do neared, dodging the arrows and hiding behind pillars. “She mustn’t get to the Sash of Reckoning, or the ritual fails!” He held the sash with his tail-hand as far from her as he could.

“I won’t let you doom the valley to eight centuries of unrelenting, sweltering heat, Ahuizotl!” She swept down among the ranks of the tribals, dodging their attacks with apparent ease and advancing towards their master.

“Traps! Trigger the traps!” The air filled with dozens of small darts, shooting from walls on the left and right. Daring Do, however, started flying higher and higher, until she was above the death field and then simply flew over it. She nose-dived towards him.

Ahuizotl growled. “You won’t best me this time, Daring Do!”

“Oh yeah?” She smirked and skidded to a halt right above his head. “Unfortunately for you, I have a secret weapon.” Just as he was about to grasp her, she landed a little kiss on his forehead, her cheeks burning with crimson.

He stopped moving, as if petrified, and she quickly flew behind him and yanked the sash out of his stiff fingers. “See you next time, Ahuizotl!” She dodged a few more arrows and flew away through the entrance.

Ahuizotl’s hand slowly rose to his forehead. “Curse you... Daring Do.”

The end.

Chapter 1: The Suite

Chapter 1: The Suite

Daring Do trod through the old, dusty chambers of an ancient, long-forgotten ruin. She scanned the walls and flexed her wings every so often, her ears constantly alert for any suspicious sounds. Sure, Ahuizotl and his minions had already been sent packing by the ‘gas bombs’ she’d used – a bit of green smoke and everypony just assumes it’s poisonous – but that didn’t mean he hadn’t left behind a surprise.

Where is that stupid artefact? I’ve been here for hours already!

He couldn’t have taken the Golden Skull with him – his hands were empty and he didn’t have any pockets – and he wouldn’t trust any of his goons with it. Yet, that chunk of gold was nowhere to be found.

Couldn’t he just put it onto some pedestal in the main room, like usual? Or hold it above his head, laughing maniacally?

She kicked a nearby rock, scowling.

‘Daring Do and the Boring Search for the Golden Skull. Our hero managed to – in a streak of genius – trick her enemy and then fail to find what she was there for. So it was, all in all, just a big waste of time.’ She trotted on, her muzzle scrunched and her brow furrowed.

She stopped, her lips curling up. On the wall before her was an empty sconce – there were many like that scattered throughout the ruin, but this one was clean. She grinned and pulled at it . The wall next to the ‘lever’ slid aside.

Her jaw dropped. “No way.” She took a step through the newly-revealed doorway and her hooves touched a smooth, fluffy carpet, her wings as prepared as ever. The room was well-lit and had a bed with luxurious, silken sheets, the furniture there was made of mahogany, and the walls were covered by lavender plaster. In other words, it looked nothing like a room in any proper ruin should.

“Is this even real?” Her gaze jumped from one object to another until it landed on a framed photo of an all-too-familiar figure. “Ahuizotl? I... I found Ahuizotl’s suite?” Daring jumped on the bed and laughed as she laid back. “Whoo, he has better than I do back home. Unfair!” She sprung back up with a giggle and stared all around her again.

The readers will go crazy! ‘Ahuizotl – a rough shell that hides a delicate soul.’ Or, or ‘Tips and tricks on how to make your ruin feel like home by Ahuizotl, the legend of interior design.’ She giggled again. I can’t wait to see his face when he hears about this! I’ll write a chapter about it.

Daring Do sighed. Right after I find that stupid skull. Shaking her head, she started rummaging through his chest, then through his closet, and then through his dirty laundry.

She stopped after the first whiff.

Darn it, Ahuizotl! Where did you put that stupid skull?

She walked over to a nearby desk and opened its top drawer. Nothing. She tried the second one. Nothing. Then she tried the last.

It better be here, or I swear I’ll–“Well, well, well. What do we have here?” She smiled and lifted up a blue, slightly ragged book, a notice scribbled on its cover, from the drawer. “‘The journal of the dreaded Ahuizotl, the harbinger of ascension. Hooves off, minion!’” Daring sneered and flung the book somewhere behind her. “Aye, aye, Commander. Like I care about your precious little diary.” She rifled through the rest of the drawer’s contents. No traces of any skull, much less a golden one.

She groaned and sat on the chair by the desk. “It’s not here, is it? Let me guess. There are more secret passages in this ruin.”

There was nothing worse than such hidden rooms. They were nearly always filled with traps and were a pain to find, especially when all the ‘hints’ that were supposed to mark the entrance were destroyed by time. Once, she pulled every book in an old castle’s library, only to later find out that the lone hint she’d found meant some other library inside some other secret room. She must have cursed the architect’s name at least a hundred times that day.

Yeah, I’m not going to try every single torch holder here or search for loose bricks that might hide a secret button.

She looked around again.

There’s got to be some clue! Where would I put a golden skull? Hmm…

She looked under the bed. A blanket, some sheets, Ahuizotl’s journal… It seemed like she was the only one who stored important things there.

“Dang it, Ahuizotl… I’ll really have to try finding that passage on my own, won’t I?” She sat back down on the chair and glared at the entrance. If I was Ahuizotl, where would I put a clue? She sat for a while longer, then her eyes widened. “Into that diary!”

She jumped up and grabbed the book from the ground. Let’s see… last entry, last entry… Her hooves turned pages faster than those of a veteran bibliophile. Ninth of July? That was like a month ago; he wasn’t even here at the time!

She grimaced, and once again, the book flew through the air. What’s the point of having a journal if one doesn’t write important stuff in it? Daring stood up with a groan and moved towards the entrance. Another wasted day. Great.

She looked out of the room into the derelict hallway outside and shuddered. Slowly, her gaze turned back onto the book. On second thought… She shook her head. Golden statue. Have to find it as quickly as possible. She rolled her eyes and stormed off.

Ten seconds later, she rushed back in.

‘Know your enemy’ is how the saying goes, right? If nothing else, I might find out some new ways on how to mock him next time. Plus, the skull isn’t going to grow a body and run away anyway! I have time.

She sat down on the chair, put her legs on the desk, and opened the journal. With a bit of luck, Ahuizotl noted the location and opening procedure down there somewhere after all. Besides, it wasn’t like he or his servants were coming back any time soon – not with the ‘friendly’ tribals she’d sent chasing after them. Let’s see, page one...

Chapter 2: First Contact

Chapter 2: First Contact

29th of May, year 2346 of the Celestial calendar

I did it today! I leaved my home. I couldn’t be around them anymore. They’re stupid, judgemental fools! They can live and then die in the jungle if they want, but I won’t. I won’t get dragged down with them! Purple Leaf talked about a place in the south. About a large, pretty city, where I could live a lot ~~gooder~~ better. I’ll get there no matter what. There has to be more to life than rotting among the trees like a fallen log!

Ooh, so that’s how he started out: a young, barely literate, ambitious... uhh… something that wants some of that fame and fortune. Found out it’s not so easy when he arrived, I bet, and stumbled across some other, eviller means to get what he wants. I just got my hooves on a future best-seller; I just know it!

30th of May, 2346

Dirty jungle! I hate it! I left the place around the village and got lost and stumbled into a tiger’s lair! Took me ages to lose it and find my way back south again. And then, in the night...

Boring! Moving on.

31st of May, 2346

Curse my parents for being so idiotic! Chasing me away with no supplies, just because I wanted to leave? ‘Disrespecting the ancestors,’ hah! They were just as boring and stupid as the others! A bunch of primitives! I’m hungry, dirty, and tired because of what happened in the night. I was never good at getting food! I mean...

Yeah, yeah. You’re pathetic, Ahuizotl. Tell me something I don’t know.

She flipped the page.

1st of June, 2346

I’m even hungrier, my feet hurt, I’m bitten all over by mosquitoes...

Stop whining! You were born in the jungle; you should be used to this stuff!

2nd of June, 2346

Curse my ancestors for picking a jungle as their home! I never liked it. That’s why I stayed inside the cottage all the time! It’s dark and wet and...

Daring Do sighed, massaging her temples. “You know what? When I write this into something readable, I’ll leave this whole part out. Else the readers will start feeling sorry for you. You’re a dangerous villain, my arch-nemesis! Start acting like it.” She skipped several more pages.

16th of June, 2346

Finally! The city! The journey was worth it. It is better than I imagined! Ponies everywhere, good food is smelling everywhere, and not a single liana anywhere! This is beautiful! I can’t understand why our tribe didn’t went here already. It choosed to stick around that ugly village.

Also, I need ‘bits’ to eat things. Purple Leaf should have told me this. He was teaching me how to write for months and forgot something this important? If my former friends hadn’t eaten him, I’d have to scold him!

So he does eat ponies. Or at least his kind does. Also, ‘didn’t went?’ You wouldn’t pass first grade.

It’s already getting dark, I have nowhere to go. The street will have to do for today. I’ve got to find an appartment to stay soon. Maybe tomorrow. It’s colder here than in the jungle where I was born, and I don’t want to catch a cold.

17th of June, 2346

I found a job today. Carrying crates from harbour to the warehouse. Not what I had expected when leaving my village, but they let me to sleep there and give me enough bits to buy some decent food every day. My co-workers are giving me strange looks. Seeing someone like me in a place like this must be really unusual. However, they seem friendly enough. ‘Us peons gotta stick together, no matter what our ugly mugs look like.’ What a spirit! With some luck and time, I’ll be able to find a better accommodation.

And that’s where things turned to sour and he ended as a homeless vagabond.

Daring smiled as she turned the page.

23rd of June, 2346

Today a wonderful thing happened. I have a place to stay! I talked to my colleague, Tough Nail, for the past few days, and today he invited me over to his home, he wants to house me. Even though he called it a ‘dumpster,’ it still looks ten times better than my old cottage, and the rent he’s asking for is laughable. Going here was a good idea.

Okay, fine, he didn’t fail outright. Proves nothing. Anyway, all this is really boring. And that comma splice makes me want to strangle him – better move on. She started going through the book, skipping dozens of entries until one of them caught her eye.

13th of October, 2346

Today’s been... special. While I brought crates from one of the ships today, minding my own business as usual, the corners of my eyes caught a look of something wonderful. I didn’t even see it right, but I already felt that there was something amazing there; something of extreme beauty. Like a moth being dragged to a flame, my head turned towards it and saw a being of wonder and grace on the pier, trotting through the docks. I was so stunned that I nearly dropped the crate I was holding.

She was a pony, of course, but that didn’t change anything. Her fur was a darker shade of yellow and her mane, oh her beautiful mane, was as dark as a moonless night. And the way she walked: purposed, confident, elegant. Not the stumbling of some bit-less, shy filly like Tough Nails’ daughter, or the clumsy hopping and stomping of my mother. No, this was a ~~sopisdi~~ ~~sophiti~~ sophisticated mare who knew what she wanted from life and was going to get it.

It wasn’t a surprise when I heard she’s a duchess. She did wear an expensive dress, and even if she didn’t, her standing clearly set her apart from the common peasants. It is really unfortunate that I’m part of it. Just a poor, worthless dock worker, hardly more than a tribal. Not worth more than a passing stare.

However, while she was walking around me, her snout high up, like to set herself apart from the dirty ponies surrounding her, I think I saw her eyes look in my direction and stay in it for a while. Maybe it was just an illusion. Maybe she just wanted to take a look at an uncommon savage that stared at her with his mouth open. But maybe... just maybe... No. I can’t bring myself to even write it down, it’s too fantasy-ish.

Still, I got hope. And purpose. I can’t try to win her affection or even try getting to know her as the loser I am. I need to get on her level! For that, I need money, and I think I know where to get those...

This. Is. Jackpot!

Daring jumped up from the chair and began pacing around the room. A pure, untainted intention to get closer to his love sent him onto the path of evil, twisting his noble purpose into greed!

Her breathing quickened. The fans will go crazy! And, and, and the critics! They’ll praise me to heavens for this! I mean how can something like this not succeed? Almost everypony is a sucker for love stories, especially tragedies! It’ll make Ahuizotl more likable, I guess, but there’s no avoiding that.

She sat back at the desk. Okay, Ahuizotl, let’s see what dastardly things you did to get all those bits. The worse the better!

15th of October 2346

It took me a lot of searching and begging, but I finally have what I need to get the necessary money. I’m now working for the Equestrian Imports as an accountant!

Daring slammed the book on the table.

“What? Are... are you kidding me? An accountant? What were you trying to accomplish? Stun her with your amazing math skills?” She sighed and facehoofed. “This is not how you get a mare, Ahuizotl.”

The pay is still small, but better than what I had before. Also, I think I might do good here. While our tribe didn’t have any accountants, building the temple took a lot of counting. A miscount, and the whole thing came crashing down. It was the only time I felt useful there. Too bad it only took us ten years to finish.

Daring started flipping through the pages again, reading the beginning of the entries before skipping them. Sorry, Ahuizotl, but I’m not going to read about how you managed to fill tax forms correctly! Where’s the juicy stuff?

After getting about halfway through the book, she finally stopped.

8th of April, 2351

Yes! I did it! It happened! After years of hard work, great amount of persuasion and, as I’m ashamed to admit, a bit of intimidation, I was promoted to a head manager. While still not enough to be on par with my beloved goddess, Duchess Parfait – I love to just repeat that name in my head: Parfait, Parfait, Parfait. It makes me think of ice cream – it is enough to allow me to speak with her. I don’t need more than that. I shall try to strike up a conversation with her soon and stun her with my natural charm. I’m told I’m quite the sweet talker! Weather should be a good topic to start with.

Daring Do rolled her eyes and skimmed a few following paragraphs.

Didn’t work. He really has no idea at all about how to get a mare, does he? ‘Weather.’ Hah! At least he got better at grammar, I guess.

The next few pages told about several of his attempts, ranging from ‘being a sweet talker,’ where he tried to impress her with his extensive knowledge of jungle plants, to taking up the bardic arts and singing a sonata under her window that he’d written. Worst thing I’ve ever read. By far. I’m lucky I didn’t have to hear it.

11th of May, 2351

The restaurant is booked, the carriage is hired, the waiter is instructed, and the roses are bought. Everything is prepared. Why am I so nervous then? My hands are shaking so much I can barely write.

She wouldn’t refuse a dinner, would she? I’m not asking her to go on a date, just to share a while with me as we eat. Simple. All within the limits of common courtesy. The waiter will only bring the roses if I give him the signal. If things go wrong, I’ll just have a dinner with her and that’ll be all. I can always try again later. If things go right, however...

Ooh, I can’t take this! My stomach feels like it’s filled by mosquitoes and my heart threatens to break through my ribcage! Why can’t I just go and drag her to my house, whether she likes it or not, like my father did with my mother? Savage indeed, but saved one this torture!

No sense to stall now. Parfait, here I come.

Well... I have to admit that this isn’t that bad. He’s got a backup plan and everything. Still. I can’t imagine a duchess would go out with a... something like him.

12th of May, 2351

I can’t believe this! How could she?

Called it.

That snake! Refusal is one thing, but this? I invited her to dinner with all due courtesy, and what did she do? Scrunched that pig-nose of hers like I was a piece of garbage, saying that I should just stop trying and that she’d never go out with a savage like me. I didn’t even mention any relationship! ‘Beasts like you should just stay in the jungle where they belong; you look like a clown in our clothes!’ I mistook arrogance for confidence and stuck-upness for elegance!

And how she did it in public – unforgivable. The bystanders laughed at me, at my plight! I even recognised some of them – my subordinates. Envious little vipers, angry that I skipped over them when it came to promotions. Well, if they didn’t slack off every opportunity they got, maybe they wouldn’t be stuck with their pathetic paychecks and would live outside the gutter! Stupid, small-minded simpletons. I fired them all right on the spot! How their sneers froze on their petty faces, how their eyes widened! That was precious.

The rotten Duchess scoffed on, however, talking about how primitive my reaction was. And then... well... my former employees decided to go very primitive on me. They sure are stronger than their size would suggest. What’s worse, when the Royal Guard came, they attacked me first! Me! Just because I’m big and not a pony doesn’t give them the right to assume I was the one who started it! At least they let me go afterwards, when I explained the situation to them. The assailants remain unpunished, however! Outrageous.

As if that wasn’t enough, those scoundrels then went and complained about me to my superior, telling him that I fired them on personal bias! It wasn’t personal – I objectively saw that such disloyal traitors would only hurt our company in the long run. In spite of that, I am to be reprimanded and they’ve been re-hired. Where’s their punishment? They showed disloyalty and attacked me, yet I’m the one getting scolded!

But they shall see. They shall pay! The ex-employees, the guards, Parfait, everypony in this bigoted city! If they want me to be a tribal, then I will be a tribal. It’s not like I have a reason to stay here anymore anyway – my ‘love’ brought down all the illusions I may have had of the place. When I’m done with it, nopony will remember my humiliation.

Daring clapped her hooves together. That’s the Ahuizotl I know! Vengeful and bitter to the core! I never would’ve figured him for the broken heart type, though. Tragic, really. But that’s hardly an excuse to engulf the whole valley in sweltering heat!

16th of May, 2351

Easy. So very easy. I knew their arrogance would be their downfall, but this was a downcrash! I hired some thugs for the bits I had left to break into a local museum and bring me the mask of Xiuhtecuhtli. He is not the deity of our tribe, but I know other ones where he is and how much they revere him. Especially one particular tribe that’ll be perfect for my revenge! One would think they’d defend a priceless, magical artefact better than by putting it in a museum with a lone guard that’s long past his retirement age. How foolish of them to underestimate us savages so!

Then again, not many know of the awesome power hidden inside these relics. It’ll make things even sweeter – their fields will grow dry, their precious city will suffer under a constant heat wave, and plagues will spread. Even Parfait’s luxurious estate won’t be spared! And they won’t have a clue why.

Hey... I think I know the next part!

17th of May, 2351

I’m a hero! I brought the mask to a small tribe of primitive ponies – I can’t believe I actually remembered where their village was from Purple Leaf’s vague description all those years ago – and they all fell on their knees, chanting praises! Both the chieftain and the shaman bowed before me, pledging me their eternal allegiance and gratitude for recovering their holy relic from the hands of ‘thieves.’ Not that the relic was ever actually theirs – they never even had it, as far as I know – but that’s not important. What is important is that they have the Temple of Huehueteotl. If I am to burn an artefact belonging to Xiuhtecuhtli in its sacred flames, the whole valley, the city included, shall be doomed to eight centuries of sweltering heat!

The tribals believe they shall reach ‘ascension’ and accompany their sun gods. And maybe they will; I wouldn’t know. I plan to make my escape afterwards and journey to the south. It’s supposed to be cooler there, and I shall present myself as a visitor from a far away kingdom. They won’t know my kind, and won’t connect me with any savagery.

All that remains is the ritual of flames the tribals have planned for tonight, and my vengeance shall be fulfilled. They chased me into the jungle, I’ll chase them out of their city!

Daring smiled. I definitely know the next part. It was one of my first adventures! ‘Daring Do and the Mask of Fate.’ I couldn’t spell Xiucterahutli correctly. Or whatever it was anyway. First time I met Ahuizotl. Had him pegged for a loser the second I saw him...

———

Daring Do pressed her back against the temple wall, her heart pounding like it was about to jump out of her chest. W-what the hay was that thing? Right around the corner stood a creature unlike anything she had ever seen. It had an elongated, dog-like head full of pointy teeth, its hind legs were paws equipped with big, sharp claws, and its tail was so bizarre that Daring thought it was just a costume. Until that freaking tail clenched!

The ponies around seemed to obey it, one of them following its every step and holding the mask like it was a newborn foal. They talked about a ritual of some sort that was going to happen at night, and about how it’ll bring doom to the valley and propel them to their gods.

How do I always get in these situations? ‘A thief stole some bauble, please get it back and we’ll reward you.’ Nopony told me anything about a cult and especially not about that thing! This is Apophis’s Pyramid all over again. But there I at least knew what my enemy was!

She peeked around the corner, catching a glimpse of the creature laughing – its mouth had more teeth than a saw. I’m going to get eaten, I just know it! They’ll cook me up, stuff me with cocoa, and then bring it some milk to wash me down. Stupid mask! I’ll give that curator a piece of my mind when I get back!

Daring waited for a guard to pass and moved to an alcove closer to the monster. It could’ve looked as scary as it wanted; she wasn’t going to leave without that relic. No way she’d present herself as a coward! Not after I bragged about this at the pub the whole night.

She could jump at it, fly up, and let herself get pierced by arrows... no. She could jump there, punch the pony, and get eaten... no. She could wait until the mask is unguarded... like that was going to happen.

She massaged her temples. I have to get that pony away from that abomination. How to get him away... How to get him away... Ugh!

Daring stuck her head out of the alcove. “Psst! You.” The ‘holder’ turned around, cocking his brow. “Yeah, you! Come here.”

“Why?” he whispered back. “Who’re you? Where’s your ritual jewellery?”

Daring bit her lip and looked at the creature behind the pony, but it seemed to be consumed in boasting to some of the other lunatics.

“Come on, you know me! I see you at the village every so often. You... didn’t notice me? Am... am I ugly?”

“W-wha...?”

“I’ve been trying to catch your eye for so long... When you looked my way yesterday, I... I thought... I...” Daring turned around, imitating the sounds of sobbing.

“No, I didn’t mean...!” He rushed over to her, the artefact in his hoof, and Daring punched him square in the face and slammed his head against the wall.

“Feather-brain.” She looked left and right, dragged his limp body into the dark, and took the mask.

“Wait! Where’s my servant?” The beast locked her with its gaze.

Ooh, crud! Daring put the relic into her hat and started galloping back towards the entrance.

“What’s that? Stop her!” The floor began to rumble as the mountain of meat and muscle started running after her.

I’mgonnadieI’mgonnadieI’mgonnadie...!

Three ponies, each armed by a pointy-looking spear, blocked the hallway ahead. “We’ll stop her, oh most venerable Ahuizotl!”

...and I promise to never ever steal ancient relics – Oh, so that’s its name! – or laugh at old prophecies or...

At the last second, when it seemed like she was going to impale herself on the speartips, Daring vaulted in the air. She somersaulted and spread her wings, flying right over their heads and into the open exit behind them. “B-better luck next time, Ahuiablr!”

“Curse you, whoever you are!”

“The priests of Manellawi beat you to it!”

She continued gaining altitude until she was well out of reach of any ranged weapon they could possibly have.

Good thing it’s an earth pony tribe. She pulled out the golden mask. They better pay me good for this! I’ll demand danger pay. Two thousand bits minimum!

———

...and then the museum paid me twenty bits for it, plus five for danger, and I started writing books to make do. She smiled. Good times. I wonder if he remembers it as fondly as I do!

She flipped the page and fell back laughing.

18th of May, 2351

After some thought, I decided a different artefact would do a better job than the mask. It was rather scratched anyway, and who knows if anything as simple as that would even work.

“This is rich,” she said, getting back on her hooves. “If the rest is half as good as this stuff so far, I’ll make a fortune when I publish it. Might even send Ahuizotl a postcard from some Manehattan’s hotel – he seems to like those! Or a gift card to a perfumery – that’d mess with him.”

She sighed.

“Let’s see what else he wrote in his little diary.”