Today is a Good Day to Die
Celestia Dies in This Chapter
It has been said more than once that there are only three truly unavoidable things: death, taxes, and that weird gray thingy that grows on one’s belly button and it’s still there no matter how many times you scratch it away.
But no matter how hopeless the fight is, one can always be sure that ponies, whatever their gender, age, or town, will fight against those things that make life more difficult. So, for centuries—nay, for millenia—brave equines all throughout the land have worked hard and long to get rid of taxes and everything they represent. There has been no result whatsoever yet, but hope is the last thing that ever dies. That, and the aforementioned gray thingy on one’s belly button. There’s just no way to get rid of that.
Talking about death, however, is a completely different thing. Taxes and gray hairy thingies are absolute, but even though the old saying is that passing on is kind of a must-do for all living things, that’s not true and everypony knows it. After all, Celestia and Luna are immortal, right?
That fact—that the Two Sisters, the Rulers of the Sky, the Alicorn Princesses, the Really Really Really Tall Ponies, I Mean Have You Even Looked At Them What Do They Even Eat Because Let Me Tell You Those Two Ain’t Eatin’ Grass, I Mean Come On are immortal, eternal, and everlasting—is probably the first thing every foal learns in school. The sky is blue, the grass is green, the dog goes woof and the two only members of royalty that actually do something with their life aside from looking pretty or being a handsome white unicorn (which is not exactly the same as looking pretty—looking pretty is way harder) are old enough to remember that marvelous time when time didn’t really exist yet.
However, and that’s something that not many know, the fact that they are immortal has never been proven. They just assumed that when they realized that, hey, literally everything else is dying. Which is not bad as far as deductions go, but as Celestia found out that morning, not all public assumptions are true.
One of the good things that came with being the ruler of the land was that you could pull an all-nighter whenever you wanted, and you would always finish your work on time—after all, Celestia didn’t need to be afraid of dawn taking her by surprise. It’s not like anypony would say a thing if she refused to rise that huge ball of hydrogen a couple hours later than usual, right?
But even with that in mind, Celestia had gone through a harsh night. The reasons were that she wanted to finish her taxes once and for all, and she had been struggling against those seemingly endless scrolls full of numbers, tables, and undecipherable mumbo-jumbo. It took her far longer than expected, because even more than a thousand years of experience are not enough to get your taxes right on the first try, especially if you’re a princess, but she eventually finished. Now she just needed to look through everything once more to make sure she hadn’t made any mistakes, but the hardest part was over.
With a sigh of relief, she signed the last scroll and rested her back against her chair, every muscle in her body slowly relaxing.
And then she realized she was going to die.
Bam.
Just like that, really. One minute she was just hanging around in that huge, comfortably room of hers, the next one she was completely, absolutely, hooves-down-this-is-totally-going-to-happen-ly sure that, eeyup, she was going to kick the bucket. She felt it right there in her stomach. It was a funny sensation, kind of a mix between an existential crisis and hunger.
Celestia just stood there, looking at the ceiling for a couple seconds, until she eventually muttered something to the nothingness in front of her. “Well, that was unexpected.”
At least she was not going to assume room temperature at the moment, she thought. Judging by the intensity of that weird sense of dread and annoyance she felt in her stomach—which was actually pretty similar to the one she usually got when she realized it was Tax Time again; that had been one of the main reasons why she was so sure she was going to die—she figured she had at least ten hours left, maybe twelve.
So there was that, she said to herself. Hey, at least she was finished with her taxes. Always look on the bright side of life.
“Okay, I guess I’ll talk to Luna about this later,” she muttered. And then she went back to the taxes, because being a princess meant that sometimes one had to put their priorities straight, and taxes were probably more important. After all, a pony only lives once, but revenue enhancement is forever.
“Okay, that’s it! Sister, I officially demand you to legally forbid this nonsense!”
When a scroll-carrying Luna showed up in her room, two minutes before sunrise and three minutes since Celestia had finished re-reading every single scroll, the Sun Princess couldn’t help but smile. There was something just charming in the way Luna frowned and bared her teeth when she was extremely angry or annoyed. That had been, in fact, one of the many reasons why Nightmare Moon had risen to power so easily. Omnicidal? Yes. Blinded with rage? Yes. Horribly tragic and life-destroying? Yes. But credit where credit’s due: Nightmare Moon had been the cutesiest-wootsiest threat Equestria had seen in centuries.
“May I ask what has gotten into your head this time?” Celestia asked, pointing at the balcony with her head and walking towards it. “You know we can’t change our laws just like that—”
“Of course we can! That is literally our only job!” Luna whined, following her sister. “I mean, it’s not like we’re exactly the mighty defenders of Equestria, so it’s either government business or sitting on the throne looking pretty, and we already have Blueblood to do that!”
“You know he prefers the word ‘handsome’,” Celestia said, closing her eyes. Her horn glimmered with a golden aura, and soon the Sun started rising, in a majestic sight that marked the dawn of a new day and the nightmare of hungover college students everywhere. “‘Prettiness’ implies grace, whereas our dear Blueblood has worked far too much in the gym to be referred to as a ‘graceful’ stallion. He’s what the youngsters call nowadays a, hum, ‘total hunk’, if I’m not mistaken—”
“I am not here to argue about semantics, Sister!” Luna huffed, sat down and crossed her legs. “I wholeheartedly oppose this ‘taxes’ business you have created!” She sighed. “One goes away for a thousand years and next thing she knows she has to explain where she spends her money? Hah!”
“You know that there’s more to taxes than that, right?” Celestia said, finally opening her eyes as the Sun was already in the sky.
“Indeed I do, and that’s actually the icing on the cake, if you ask me!” Luna replied. She pointed at the scrolls that were laying on the floor behind them. “For starters, apparently I have to pay something? For what? For existing? Do I need to pay to enjoy the privilege of occupying space? What is the purpose of such an unsavory attack to my personal wealth?! Who are we even paying?!”
“Well,” Celestia said, “we all pay the government so the Equestrian Treasure grows bigger, and then that money is used to benefit society and—”
“But that’s the main issue!” Luna said. “We can’t pay the government, we are the government! L’etat, c'est moi, and all that?”
“Actually, that’s not how it works anymore.” Celestia got back into the room and picked up the scrolls Luna had tossed away with her magic. “I had to change it while you were on the moon.”
“Wait, what?!”
“Yes. I’m afraid that the citizens’ eagerness to behead me every Thursday got old after a while. You can’t really blame me for changing our motto.”
Luna blinked. “Our what?”
“Our shibboleth. Our slogan,” Celestia said. “That’s what we call them now. I also used the same law to make Equestrian the official language of the land, as I’m sure you noticed long ago. In hindsight, I just don’t understand why we spoke in Prench all the time back then.”
“I believe it was just a phase.”
“It was weird. Anyway,” Celestia said, shaking her head, “we can’t ignore taxes, Luna. It’s our duty. We might be the rulers, but we’re no different from any other pony in Equestria. Liberté, Égalité, Fraternité. That’s the new motto.”
Luna raised an eyebrow. “Surprisingly fancy for a kingdom that speaks Equestrian.”
“I believe you said you weren’t here to discuss semantics with me, Luna?”
“What? Ah, indeed!” Luna nodded and pointed at the scrolls she had carried to the room, which were currently floating in midair courtesy of Celestia’s telekinesis. “I refuse to fill out those parchments, and if I need to bring a coup d’etat to do so, then I’ll—!” She blinked. “What’s with all the Prench in this conversation?”
“Oh, it happens naturally when you talk about taxes,” Celestia said. “Nopony knows why. Incidentally, that also means Fleur De Lis is by far the best accountant in Equestria.” She smiled. “Maybe you should hire her for her services? I prefer to work on mine myself, but it’s not mandatory, and I believe it will be easier for you to delegate that duty onto somepony more capable. Or you can ask Twilight Sparkle for help. I’m sure she will be glad to do that.”
Luna sighed. “There’s just no way I can actually convince you to drop this tomfoolery and go back to a healthy, natural dictatorship, right?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Well, it was worth a try. Then, if you excuse me, Sister,” Luna said, getting the scrolls with her own magic, “I’m off to hire Fleur De Lis. Have a good day.”
“Sure. Good night, Luna—Ah!” Celestia clapped her hooves. “Wait! Don’t go yet!”
“Hm?” Luna turned around and eyed her sister. “What’s the matter?”
“I almost forgot to tell you! I’m probably going to take the rest of the day off, so if you need me for something, I won’t be at the castle.”
“Oh? A day off?” Luna faced Celestia once again, eyes opened with curiosity. “It’s been centuries since you did that on your own!”
“Well, yes, but today’s a special day.” Celestia smiled. “You see, I’m going to die.”
Silence.
Celestia kept on smiling.
Luna blinked.
More silence.
“You are?” Luna finally asked, cocking her head to the side. “Are you sure?”
“Completely! I got a crippling sense of dread and terror. It’s unmistakable.”
“Well, go figure. We can die.” Luna nodded to herself. “Hey, was that a couple minutes ago, by any chance?”
“Yes, it was. Why?” Celestia raised an eyebrow. “You felt it too?”
“I felt something in my stomach indeed. I thought I was just hungry, but now that I think about it, it was also similar to the feeling that my immortal sister is going to leave the land of the living.” She patted her stomach. “That makes more sense.”
“You’re welcome.”
“When are you going to die?”
“I’m guessing I have the whole day for myself,” Celestia said. “And, well, I need to prepare for it, right? That’s why I won’t be at the castle. Today is a slow day anyway.”
“If that’s the case, mind if I join you?” Luna asked, trotting to her sister and nuzzling her neck. “If you’re going to give up the ghost, I sure can help you!”
“Oh? You know how to die?”
Luna licked her lips. “Well, no. But we can work around that together. Quality time, only for ourselves. What do you say?”
“Hmm. Sounds good to me,” Celestia said. “If we explain the reasons, the castle can live one day without us. But if you’re going to take your day off with me, then let’s go talk to Fleur De Lis first. We can’t leave your taxes unattended.”
Luna grumbled something that, thankfully, didn’t make it to Celestia’s ears.
NOTICE TO THE GUARDS AND SERVANTS OF THE CASTLE
Due to miscellaneous, unpredictable reasons, the Princesses will be out of reach the whole day, and the castle’s schedules for tomorrow will be slightly altered. We wholeheartedly apologize for the inconvenience.
The castle’s schedule as per tomorrow will be as follows:
· 08:00 am to 10:00 am: Breakfast.
· 10:00 am to 10:20 am: Princess Celestia ‘kicks the bucket’.
· 11:00 am to 11:10 am: Mourning for Her Majesty’s death.
· 11:10 am to 11:30 am: Cleaning.
· 11:35 am to 01:00 pm: Saddle Arabia representatives’ arrival.
· 01:00 pm to 03:00 pm: Lunch.
· 03:10 pm to 04:35 pm: Existential crisis due to Her Majesty’s death.
· 04:40 pm to 05:30 pm: Tax Time.
· 05:30 pm to 05:45 pm: Tax-related Desperation Time.
· 05:45 pm to 06:20 pm: Existential crisis due to Her Majesty’s death.
· 06:20 pm to 06:35 pm: Taxestential crisis due to everything.
· 06:35 pm to 06:45 pm: Confusion.
· 06:45 pm to 07:45 pm: Tax Time (again).
· 07:45 pm to 08:00 pm: Saddle Arabia representatives’ departure.
· 08:30 pm to 10:00 pm: Dinner.
“There,” Luna said, sticking the note on her sister’s throne. “That should do it!”
“Are you sure?” Celestia asked, following Luna as she walked away. “I feel like it’s a little… too much.”
“Your fears are not justified. I even used modern argot to get the message across easily.” Luna shook her head. “Now, off to see Fleur De Lis. We’ll get rid of those taxes in less than two seconds.”
“Of course. Ah. Wait!” Celestia grabbed her sister’s shoulder. “We can’t go out like this. It’s supposed to be our private time, remember? We can’t let our citizens recognize us.”
“Never fear, Sister of mine!” Luna smirked as her eyes went white and her horn started shimmering with a dark blue aura. “I’ll call upon the ancient powers of the moon and stars to alter our appearance. No mortal being will be able to peek through our disguise!” Her horn shone brighter and her voice became deeper and with a subtle echo. “For I use my might and dominion over the dreams and illusions to cast a spell, to submit reality itself into obliv—”
“Oh, no, no, no!” Celestia interrupted Luna with a pat on the head. “No need to do that. Here, there’s a far simpler solution…”
Two tall mares, one of them dark-coated and the other with fur as white as snow, exited Fleur De Lis’ office half an hour later. Only the keenest of observers would have sensed a small resemblance to the Princesses, and even then they would doubt their guesses, as neither of those two stunning ponies were like Luna or Celestia at all.
Luna and Celestia didn’t wear sunglasses, after all.
“I can’t believe this worked,” Luna said, turning to Celestia. “I honestly can’t believe this actually worked. At all.”
“You’d be surprised,” Celestia said. “The only reason why you know I’m me is because you saw me putting the glasses on.”
“What? No!” Luna rolled her eyes. “I’ve known you for thousands of years, Celestia. Do you really think that just because I can only see three quarters of your eye I can’t tell you’re my sister?”
“I’m not just saying that. I have proof.” Celestia smirked. “Remember when you got back as Nightmare Moon and kidnapped me?”
“Yes.”
“Well, you didn’t kidnap me. You kidnapped a Guard wearing a wig.” Celestia swung her tail and flicked at Luna with it. “I was wearing my glasses and you didn’t look at me twice.”
“What?!”
“What you just heard.”
“That’s nonsense!” Luna frowned. “You’re lying.”
“Would I lie about something like this? Twilight was the one who had to take care of you, so I hid and hoped for the best. With my dark sunglasses on all the time, of course.” Celestia licked her lips. “I have to admit it, though: walking around during your night with them on was pretty hard.”
“Huh.” Luna raised an eyebrow. “One would think little details like our manes would give our identities away.”
“I thought so at first, but you just saw it works perfectly. Fleur De Lis didn’t suspect a thing.” Celestia looked at Luna. “Well then, now that you’re done with your taxes, I believe it’s time for us to plan my pushing up of the daisies, as they say?”
“That would be appropriate,” Luna said. “However… ‘pushing up the daisies’? You plan on being buried?”
“Isn’t that the tradition? After dying, one gets buried.”
“I don’t know. To be honest, I’ve always had doubts about it.”
“Luna, you’ve been to countless burials.”
“Well, yes, but they’re boring and I doze off easily,” Luna replied. “I never paid a lot of attention, to be honest. I mean, I thought we were immortal. Caring about death doesn’t strike me as an important thing, and I always had something else on my mind when an acquaintance of mine decided to ‘join the great majority’. You aren’t sure about how it works either?”
“…Not really.” Celestia bit her lip. “I, um, take care of the living, as the dead are already out of my reach.”
What followed was something that could easily be described as an uncomfortable silence. After all, it’s a widely known fact that ponies find it difficult to accept they didn’t know something, even more so if that “something” is supposed to be obvious—and for an immortal alicorn, to admit she doesn’t know anything about death was kind of a huge step.
Luna and Celestia had never really understood why they had such a hard time grasping the entirely common concept, but then again, they also didn’t realize they were having more problems than usual at getting death.
After all, what’s mortality, if not fear of the dark, of what comes beyond? It’s been said that simple beasts, like crabs, dogs, or mimes, are technically immortal, at least in a purely mental sense. They don’t understand death, they don’t fear death, and in their simple minds, they are eternal and will live forever. Which also explains their lack of anxiety when they are actually dying of old age—sure, that lung is malfunctioning and the heart is beating in a very inappropriate way, but they are sure that everything is going to be fine.
And then, they die. But still, they never feared death, and so, they were immortal.
What happened here, even if both sisters didn’t know it (or didn’t want to admit it) was something similar in nature. If a dog is immortal because it doesn’t understand death, then obviously an immortal alicorn can’t grasp the concept either. One plus one equals two, and when the two dies everypony gets confused.
And of course, that also explains why Celestia felt like dying. Had she thought about the connection between “understanding” and “suffering” in death-related business, she would have remembered a curious incident that had happened the day before—a curious incident that had involved a barehoofed Celestia and an unlucky bug on the floor. Maybe as she felt the ickiness of the bug’s insides against her hoof, the Princess of the Sun had thought, for no reason whatsoever, about the bug not existing anymore and its conscience disappearing from this world. Then she had forgotten about it, of course, but the damage had been done already.
“Well then, we know what to do,” Celestia finally said. “We need to... learn about everything death-related.”
“Do you know any undertaker? I’m sure a mortician would sure know how to answer any question.”
“We can go ask one, I guess, but…” Celestia frowned. “I don’t know. I think it’s best to have a first-hoof experience. It will be faster if we see it for ourselves, don’t you think? We just need to find a funeral…”
Luna nodded. “I guess… But it’s going to be a big coincidence if somepony just happens to die today.”
“Oh, there’s no problem about that. Ponies die all the time,” Celestia reasoned. “I mean, it’s literally all they do. They’re mortal and all that.”
“Oh. Yeah, I forgot. Mortality. Heh.” She smirked. “Weird.”
“I also forget it sometimes,” Celestia said. “Believe me, it can get very awkward, very fast. Anyway, I’m sure there’s a mortuary in that direction…”
“This is so tedious.”
“Luna, shush. Pay some respect.”
“I am paying some respect. We have been doing nothing but paying respect for the last hour and a half. I’m amazed I still respect myself enough not to start screaming in agony, seeing how much respect I’ve already paid today.”
“Well, I know, but we’re not going to learn anything if we spend the whole funeral talking,” Celestia replied, her eyes fixed on the old pony who was giving the most boring speech either of the alicorns had ever heard. “That’s the main reason why we need to assist to this one now, after all, right?”
“Sister, he’s been talking for eighty minutes,” Luna replied. “He’s not even talking about the dead pony!”
Celestia frowned. “Well, what he’s saying is pretty interesting, if you get into it.”
“Sure. Where’s the dead one, anyway?” Luna looked around, but all she could see were ponies looking sad and dressed in black. “I thought he was supposed to be the heart of the party.”
“I think he’s in the coffin,” Celestia said.
“Oh.” Luna nodded. “Yes, now that you say it, it seems rather obvious. But he has been laying in there for eighty minutes?”
“I… I find that weird, too,” Celestia admitted. “I mean, I can sort of see it from here, behind the old pony, and he’s just there.”
“What do you mean?” Luna tried to stretch her neck as much as possible. “Ugh, I can’t see him. Do we know him?”
“I don’t know. Maybe? He’s an earth pony.”
“Well, good. That makes it easier for me to guess his identity,” Luna said, raising an eyebrow. “Now I only need to think about one third of the population.”
“It’s a blue earth pony,” Celestia continued. “Anyway, when I say he’s not doing anything, I mean it. He’s not moving at all! Not even blinking, or stretching his legs, or…!”
“Shush!” A brown mare standing in front of her turned around and frowned at the sisters. “For Celestia’s sake, pay some respect! Youngsters this days…”
“Wow. The nerve,” Luna said, whistling softly once the mare turned around once again. “To think that she called us ‘youngsters’. Last time I was a youngster, we discovered fire. Also, did she just use your name as an expletive, Sister?”
“Hmm.” Celestia coughed, a sudden blush appearing on her face. “It’s… Uh, I didn’t have anything to do with that. It just happened naturally over the years.”
“Interesting. I thought we dropped the theocracy long ago,” Luna said, smirking. “Somepony was feeling depressed, perhaps?”
“I had just banished my one and only sister to the moon and was facing a thousand years of solitude,” Celestia said with a little frown. “Cut me some slack; I thought adoration would boost my self-esteem a little.”
“Certainly—”
Celestia would never know what was so certain, as the old pony in front of the crowd chose that exact moment to finish his apparently endless speech, and everypony clapped softly as he walked aside. Then, one by one, the ponies in the crowd approached the coffin and muttered something to the pony inside.
“Oh, finally.” Luna sighed with relief and turned to Celestia. “Please, tell me that your funeral is going to be better than this.”
“I certainly hope so,” Celestia said. “For starters, I think I’ll be the one giving the speech. That old pony had no energy in his words, bless his soul.”
“You will be the one?” Luna frowned. “Is that allowed? I thought you had to let your relatives get the spotlight. Funerals are not as much about the dead than they’re about the family, right?”
“Luna.” Celestia raised an eyebrow at her sister. “You won’t be stealing my spotlight at my own funeral.”
“Oh, come on, Sister. You always get the spotlight. It’s my turn to shine as the only monarch!”
“Only monarch? I’m not retiring.” Celestia rolled her eyes. “I’m just dying.”
“Well, maybe not ‘the only’,” Luna said. “But I’m pretty sure being alive is part of the job’s description. So at least I’ll be a little more of a princess than you.”
“Hmm. Maybe you’re right.” Celestia sighed and eyed the crowd in front of her. “To be honest, I don’t think this has been a good idea. We’re wasting our time.”
“At least the worst has passed. Now we just need to talk with the coffined one. He surely won’t mind answering a couple questions, right?”
“That I hope.” Celestia didn’t say anything else, as the crowd in front of them had finally dissipated. It was their turn to approach the coffin, and so they did.
The pony inside was an old, blue stallion, dressed in a tuxedo. “Dapper,” Luna complimented, giving the dead pony a smile. “Hello, passed one,” she continued. “We’re sorry for your loss. Quite a beautiful event you have arranged for such a special occasion.”
The dead pony didn’t reply. He just went on staying dead. He didn’t even open his eyes to look at Luna.
“…So,” the Princess of Night continued after looking at Celestia in confusion for a second, “you see, we’re planning a, um, a funeral on our own, and—”
“It’s for a friend,” Celestia interjected. “None of us is dying.”
“Yeah. That is true,” Luna said. “A friend of ours is dying, and we’re the ones planning the whole thing, but we have some doubts, and after witnessing such an impressing organization, we were hoping you would, well… help us out?”
Silence. The dead stallion stubbornly refused to talk.
“I told you,” Celestia whispered into Luna’s ear, looking always at the pony in the coffin. “He’s been laying like that all the time. He’s just not moving!”
“Maybe he’s asleep?”
“Well, the coffin looks comfortable. And the speech was long…”
“Hmm.” Luna raised a hoof and gently poked the old pony in the stomach. “Excuse us?” she asked. “Sir? We have some questions.”
No answer.
“Sir?” Luna looked at Celestia, who shrugged, and then shook the dead pony a little harder. “Sir! Wake up!”
“What in the name of Luna is going on over there?!” a voice said behind them. “What are you two doing?!”
“Oh, hey, they use my name too. That’s nice.”
“Um, excuse us, Madame,” Celestia said, turning around and discovering the same brown mare from before glaring daggers at them. “It’s just a couple questions. We apologize for the inconvenience…”
“A couple questions?! You’re desecrating his corpse!”
“Well, I’ll stop desecrating it when he answers!” Luna said, shaking the old pony even harder. “Sir! Sir, I know you just can’t be asleep at this point, and that is just rude!”
“Oh, dear Celestia, stop doing that to my husband!”
“Not unless he stops acting like a child!” Luna said. “Sister, take care of them! I’ll make him talk!”
“Oh, dear.” Celestia turned around and saw Luna, rocking the old pony’s corpse so hard it was almost completely out of the coffin. “You know, I think we should go—”
“Sister, I refuse to go through another funeral today, so it’s either now or never!”
“Okay, okay!” Celestia turned around again, and saw that at the moment the brown mare wasn’t the only one glaring at them. In fact, everypony was doing so. “Oh, dear,” she repeated. “Um, please, excuse us. It won’t take long…”
“I command you to expose your mortuary knowledge to us!”
“…My sister has anger issues,” Celestia explained. “It’s an old problem of hers. Please, we will leave him alone once he stops—”
“Who are you?!” the old mare asked, trying to approach Luna, only to find Celestia blocking her past. “What are you doing in here?! I don’t know you! You are not related to my husband at all!”
“Actually, we aren’t,” Celestia agreed. “We’re Sunlight and Moonstar. We’re, um, rooters?”
That stopped the brown mare’s efforts. “…Rooters?”
“Yes! Rooters indeed,” Celestia said. “You know. We go to funerals. We, um, root for the dead ones… We’re fans.”
“Thou art forcing me to use my dark powers against thee, thou ogreish foe!”
“Oh, dear, she’s talking in Oldish again. Lu—Moonstar? Sister?” Celestia turned around and put a hoof on Luna’s shoulder. “I think we should go.”
“Nay! We refuse to let such a dime peasant escape after such an unsavory discourtesy!”
“Funny, I think otherwise.” Celestia turned around again. “Good, they’re still too confused to attack.”
Silence. Luna blinked.
“…To attack?”
“You didn’t see their faces before,” Celestia explained. “Now, I think it’s time to flee.” She looked at the crowd. “Again: my most profound apologies, and sorry for your loss. We, um, we’ll be going now. Moonstar?”
The Princess of the Night frowned, but then she slowly left the corpse back where it belonged. “…Yes.”
And with that, both alicorns took flight, leaving the crowd at the funeral with a mixture of rage, confusion, bafflement, and doubt in their faces.
“…Who were those two?”
“I don’t know, the glasses were too dark. I think one of them might have been Fleur De Lis.”
“Come to think of it… Luna? Have you ever seen a dead pony talk?”
They were flying towards Ponyville. The Princesses enjoyed flying on their own, it gave them a sense of power, of identity. Plus, it was more fun than a chariot. “I don’t know. I never really thought about it,” Luna said, enjoying the sensation of the wind going through her feathers. “I guess at some point I have talked with one or two.”
“Well, I’m pretty sure I’ve never done that,” Celestia said. “Maybe that’s the reason why that old stallion wasn’t answering your questions?”
“Because dead ponies don’t talk?” Luna huffed. “Excuse my boldness, Sister, but that’s pretty dumb. Why wouldn’t they speak their minds?”
“I don’t know. But they don’t talk, I’m sure of it.”
“Well, I surely expect you to talk when you’re dead, Sister,” Luna said. “At least you should remain polite, don’t you think?”
“I don’t expect to turn rude once I’m dead, but then again, there’s only one way to know.” Celestia frowned. “However, seeing that funeral made me think… Maybe being buried won’t be such a great idea.”
“Indeed. Burials are boring.”
“Yes, of course, but I was actually thinking about my time underground,” Celestia explained. “I don’t know how much time I’m supposed to be down there once I’m dead, but what if it’s more than a couple of hours?”
Luna turned to her sister. “Huh. That sounds discouraging.”
“And I can’t be out of the throne for that long. You’re still not used to ruling a modern kingdom on your own.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Taxes.”
“I know what you’re talking about. I still see no problem. Taxes are evil.”
“So, no burial then,” Celestia said. “The alternative is cremating me.”
“We can also build a ship and set it aflame.”
“Yes, but I’m going to die tomorrow and we have no time,” Celestia explained. “Plus, ships are expensive, so we’re going to cremate me.”
“Ashes are poetic, at least,” Luna said. Right at that moment, Ponyville appeared in front of them, a splash of color right in front of the green-and-black mass that was the Everfree Forest. “Although I don’t know if it’s a viable option, Sister.”
“How so?”
“Well, you are the Princess of the Sun,” Luna said. “I don’t know if fire can burn you.”
“Oh.” Celestia blinked. “Right. We need something hotter than the Sun to do that.”
“And what can be hotter than the Sun?”
Silence. Ponyville got closer.
“…Lava?” Celestia eventually ventured. “Lava is very hot, I’ve heard.”
“I saw lava once, when I marched towards the South Lands, at the start of the Third Era,” Luna agreed. “It was, indeed, very hot.”
“Hotter than fire?”
“I don’t know. I think so.” Luna frowned. “It looks hotter than fire. And it’s red and pretty.”
“It’ll have to do, then. Ah, wait!” Celestia stopped in midair and pointed at the ground. “Sweet Apple Acress is not in the town. We’re already there.”
“Oh?” Luna looked down too. “That red house, you mean?”
“Yes. And I see that our mare is there too. Let’s go.”
“I’m after you.”
They landed right in front of the house, almost at the same time. Theirs would have been a very graceful landing if it wasn’t by the fact that, even though the Wonderbolts do it every day, landing while wearing sunglasses is pretty hard—you can’t see the ground clearly. In other words: Luna tripped and fell face-first to the ground, and Celestia somehow ended up laying on her back, dirt all over her mane.
“Are you two okay?”
The voice of an old mare made the two sisters get up faster than usual, for ridiculously failing to land correctly is one thing, but ridiculously failing to land correctly in front of somepony else is a completely different issue. Getting the dirt out of her mane as quickly as possible, Celestia did all that was in her hoof to regain a little dignity, and then approached Granny Smith, for she was the one who had talked, while Luna stood behind her spitting rocks and a little bit of grass that had gotten in her mouth.
“Hello, and sorry for bothering you,” Celestia said. “We, uh, didn’t mean to do that. Land like that, I mean.”
Granny Smith, sitting on a wooden chair at the porch of her farm, smiled. “No need to apologize, dear! One doesn’t live as much as I without seeing a couple pegasi eating some grass, right?”
Celestia chuckled. “Indeed.”
“Are you Granny Smith?” Luna asked once she finally got her mouth clean again. “We’ve been looking for you.”
“Oh?” The old mare raised an eyebrow. “And how’s that?”
“Well,” Luna said, “a friend of ours is going to die very soon, but we couldn’t ask a dead pony about the details, so we figured we would ask the closest thing to a dead pony we could think of. That’s when you enter the picture.”
Silence. Granny Smith looked at the two mares with an unreadable expression.
The two mares looked back at her.
“Well, you’ve come to the right place!” Granny Smith said, a bright smile appearing on her face. “Now, dying is not as simple as it might look. It requires skill! And a strong mind! Do you have a notepad with ya?”
“Actually, I do,” Celestia said. Her horn shimmered with golden light, and then, with a poof! a small pad appeared in front of her, followed by a quill and ink. “I feared such a situation would come.”
“Good. Then sit down and take notes, because this is going to be long,” Granny Smith said. “You see, first you need to find a good place and a good time to die. Now, I don’t know about the other folks, but I’ve always figured the dawn is the best time to give up the ghost, because then you know that everypony has got a good ol’ night’s sleep before you go bung! Which means they have strength to do things properly. But then again, that’s a matter of personal taste. About the place, I believe one’s room is by far the smartest option…”
“…And right before you die, you gotta say something to whoever is guarding your bed. Now, what do you say? That’s the tough part!” Granny Smith crossed her legs and nodded. “I personally believe the best last words are the ones that more or less tell everypony not to be sad about your death.”
“But what if you want them to be sad?”
“Well, of course you want them! That’s what death is all about! Making ponies sad!” Granny said. “But if you say you want’em to be happy, then they remember you far longer, y’see? So they get sad for a longer time.”
“Oh. Reverse psychology,” Celestia said, writing down everything Granny said. “I get it.”
“Of course, you need to add something personal to it. Spices the speech up, and gives it that extra level of sadness that makes everypony cry.” Granny giggled. “I’ve been planning my death words for years now, and I can tell they’re so good everypony will be crying their eyes out for days!”
“Wow.” Luna smiled at the old mare. “You are really prepared for such an eventuality.”
“I’m an elder, dear. Thinking about death is more or less the only thing we do. That and complaining about foals nowadays.”
“What about embarrassing your grandchildren?”
“Oh. Yeah, that too!”
“So,” Celestia said, looking at Granny from above her notepad, “I need a good coffin that’s not made of oak, a white dress with pink bows, a choir of singing children, to put the crybabiests members of my family near the coffin, a nice stormy day so the mood is good, and some sentimental speech to give before going Sombra. Did I miss anything?”
“Remember to tell your friend she has to forgive somepony at the last moment,” Granny said. “It’s a very standard thing to do. Or you can confess your love for somepony, if you think it’s easier.”
“What about both?” Luna asked. “What if you forgive somepony and tell him you’ve always been in love with him at the same time?”
“That’s a good one!” Granny Smith said. “You’ll be a very good dead pony, young lady!”
Luna blushed. “You’re flattering me.”
“No, no, I mean it! And with that dark coat of yours? The white dress will look so nice on ya. You’ll break everypony’s heart! If you manage to die with a smile and just a little bit of blood in your face so they can tearfully clean it off when you breathe your last, at least one pony will get clinically depressed after your passing.” Granny Smith winked at her. “Promise!”
“I like her! She says nice things!” Luna said, turning to Celestia. “You have everything written down?”
“Yeah,” her sister replied. “I think we can make the blood thing, but I don’t like white dresses. Are you sure they’re mandatory, Granny Smith?”
“Well, you can go commando if you prefer it, although I’ve always thought white dresses give an angelical vibe to the corpses.”
“Angelical corpses are good,” Luna agreed. “You should go with that.”
“Yes, but we’re going to use lava, remember? Cremating a nice dress feels like a waste. They’re expensive, after all.”
“Hmph.”
“And that’s everything,” Granny Smith said. “Now, if you want to use lava to cremate your friend, I suggest you get it from Death Mountain. It’s the best cremating lava in all of Equestria!”
“We’ll sure do,” Celestia said, taking the note and making it disappear with another poof! “Words cannot express how grateful we are for your help, Granny Smith.”
“Aw, shucks. No need to thank me. Now go! Go and make sure your friend has the most tragic, best death she can get!” Granny Smith cackled and got out from her chair. “It’s time for my nap now!”
“Of course. Thank you again.”
“Thank you!”
And with that, they were gone. Granny Smith sighed before entering the house with a smile. Nothing better than a good old chatter about death to get one’s mood all bright and shiny.
“So this is called Death Mountain now, huh?”
“Well, yes. You know, names change over time. I remember that, for a while, this was named la Montaña de los Muertos, and nopony really knew why.”
“La Montanya de… what?” Luna turned around and raised an eyebrow at her sister. “What is that language? I don’t recall hearing it before.”
“It’s… I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?”
“No. I doubt anypony in Equestria speaks that,” Celestia explained, kicking a pebble on their way. “It just, well, happened naturally. On its own. One century this is called Mount Luna, next thing I know this is la Montaña.”
Silence.
“That’s the second weirdest name evolution I’ve ever heard of,” Luna said.
The two sisters stared at the lava. The contrast between the black rock and the hot, red mass of liquid rock created a beautiful scenario, a vision out of this world. It felt pure, somehow—there was nothing in there, only land, and yet everything felt cozy and private, the smoke surrounding the crater but not filling it, creating some kind of ethereal dome that set them apart from the rest of the world.
Of course, the fact that the smoke was extremely poisonous might have something to do with it.
“Reminds me of the beginning,” Luna said suddenly. Celestia turned at her, surprised at her sister’s tone—she was talking with a voice deeper than usual, softer, somehow. “You know. Nothing was there, only us. And then, everything else appeared.”
“Hmm.” Celestia looked at the lava again, her mind filled with images that were older than time, from before light, and space, and matter existed. “Nothing but us,” she repeated. “The cold of the void. The calmness. The silence.”
“The everlasting sense of loneliness,” Luna agreed. “Knowing that nothing exists, yet you are there.”
Celestia licked her lips. “Do you ever wonder why? Nothing existed, literally. Yet we were there. Sometimes I think about it. It’s strange.”
“It was strange indeed,” Luna said. “And uncomfortable.”
“Oh, yes. But the moment creation was created…” Celestia smiled. “I still dream about that.”
“I know. I get in your dreams now and then.”
Celestia blinked. “What? You do?”
“I figured you wouldn’t mind,” Luna said, not looking at her sister. Celestia couldn’t figure out if there was a faint blush on Luna’s cheeks, or if it was the lava’s glow playing tricks with her eyes. “A sudden spark, a gargantuan explosion. The fire. The consciousness. The beauty.”
“It was forever ago, but it still feels like yesterday.”
“And yet, you die tomorrow,” Luna said. “It’s funny, in some sort of way. How everything comes to an end.” She approached the pool of lava too and started playing with it. “Hmm. Is it me, or does this look tastier from here?”
“What? The lava?”
“Yes.” Luna kneeled down and licked the lava. “Hey, it’s pretty good!”
“Really?”
“Try it!”
Celestia frowned, but eventually followed her sister’s order. The lava was hot, but not hot enough to burn an alicorn’s tongue. The flavor was nothing like Celestia had imagined. She had expected something like a really, really, really hot rock, but what she found instead was a flavor eerily similar to that of…
“Chamomile tea?!”
“I know, right?” Luna smiled. “It’s very good!”
“This tastes exactly like chamomile tea.” Celestia gave it another lick. “Yes, there’s no doubt. This is like chamomile tea, but hotter.”
“Actually, I think lava was invented first,” Luna said. “So technically, chamomile tea tastes exactly like lava, only colder.”
“Well, I surely wasn’t expecting this. But I’m certainly not complaining.” Celestia got up. “I don’t think this will be enough to cremate my body, but I’m going to die surrounded by something that reminds me of both the greatest event in the history of time and chamomile tea. Those are probably my two favorite things in the world right now.”
“Life is beautiful sometimes.”
And then, it happened again.
Bam.
Just like that, really. Celestia felt it in her stomach—that particular pain, that sense of dread, that tickleness near her belly button. Only this time, it was stronger.
“Oh, dear,” Luna said, grabbing her stomach. “I am suffering a severe case of hunger at this moment.”
“No, no. I also felt it,” Celestia said. “I think I’m dying sooner than expected. We don’t have time for a funeral.”
“Hold on, because I really really think this is my stomach plotting something against me.” Luna huffed and tightened the grabbing at her stomach. “Ugh.”
“We need to go to the castle now,” Celestia said. “I’m afraid we’ll have to deal with the funeral and the coffin and everything else once I’m already dead.”
“Can we stop at a bakery while we’re on our way? I feel like devouring some cookies. Cupcakes, maybe, if my situation worsens.”
“Luna, I’m dying.”
“And I’m suffering a severe case of a suddenly void stomach. Excuse me, Sister, but I believe my situation is worse than yours.”
Silence.
Celestia rolled her eyes as some of the lava started glowing with her characteristic golden light. “We’ll stop to get cookies while we’re on our way,” she said
“Thank you.”
Luna groaned. “I think that lava had something bad on it. I’ll never eat from the ground again.”
“Well, at least you’re not hungry anymore, are you?”
“Those cookies certainly worked wonders.” Luna smiled at her sister, but that gleeful expression only lasted for a few seconds. “…And now what?” she eventually asked. “You said you were dying now.”
Celestia sighed as she walked towards her bed. They were at her chambers, and the sun was going down. Soon Luna would need to raise the moon, marking the start of the night, the end of the light hours, and the relief of hungover college students everywhere. “Yes, I’m afraid so. You don’t think we have time to gather a chorus of angel-like children in less than twenty minutes, do you?”
“We can do that, but I’m fairly sure it will be labelled as ‘illegal’ from our subjects,” Luna said. “Of course, if the princesses do it, then it’s not illegal, but you’ve been overprotecting them a lot lately so I’m sure they’ll make a fuss out of it.”
Celestia frowned. “Yes, I wasn’t talking about abducting them. I meant getting them here with their consent.”
“I know, I know. A shame you won’t choose the most efficient option, though.”
Celestia hmm-ed at her sister and summoned her notepad. “Well,” she said, eyeing the list, “at least we’re in my room, so we’re more or less following Granny Smith’s advice. Now, for my funeral, I definitely want the chorus to sing. But no white dresses.”
“Charming.”
“Now, what else? For my deathbed, I need a bit of blood on my cheek and somepony to forgive before departing from the land of the living.” The notepad disappeared. “The rest is all funeral business, so it can wait.”
“I’m sure I can get everything done by dawn,” Luna said.
“Well then, shall we proceed?”
“I don’t see why not.”
Both sisters smiled at each other, and then Celestia used her magic to give her leg a very small cut. A couple crimson drops fell down. With what almost seemed a ceremonial gesture, the Princess of the Sun took them and rubbed them against her face. “How does it look?”
“Like warpaint.”
“Oh. I was trying to go for the tragic outlook, but—”
“It looks like warpaint. Very good warpaint, in fact.”
“So, no tragic?”
Luna frowned. “Well, war is pretty nasty. It’s kind of sad, I guess.”
“Huh.” Celestia sighed. “Not the atmosphere I was going for… But then again, I don’t enjoy tragedy as much as I used to. I think this will do.”
Luna nodded. Celestia stared at her.
A couple seconds passed.
“I… I don’t really know what to say,” Celestia said, her mouth taking the form of an almost shy smile. “I’m so used to being alive that… How should I face death?”
Luna laughed. “Well, try to say whatever comes to mind, Sister. And then forgive me, or tell me you love me.”
“That sounds about right.” Celestia sighed. “Luna… Those thousand years were very lonely without you. If I’m going to die, at least I’m glad it’s with you at my side—”
Her words were interrupted by the sound of the door opening. “Your Highnesses?” a Royal Guard asked, poking his head through the gap.
“Oh for crying out—What’s the matter?” Luna asked, glaring at the Guard. “I thought my sister’s chambers of all things were supposed to be private! Can you enter our bathroom too without asking for permission first?!”
The guard’s face got paler, which was quite a feat, as his fur was already white, and he took a step back. “I-uh-I am v-very sorry, your Highness… I didn’t intent to…”
“Luna.” Celestia’s tone was a little colder than usual. “Do not scare our Guards.”
“But…!”
“No. Not anymore.”
Luna frowned, then sighed. “What do you want?” she asked, turning to the Guard. “Speak quickly, then flee.”
“Uh…” The Guard gulped, but a reassuring look from Celestia was all he needed to finish his message. “Miss Fleur De Lis is looking for you, Princess Luna. She said it’s important. Your taxes don’t add up—apparently you two need to meet as soon as possible…”
“Argh!” Luna yelled, rubbing her temples. “You have got to be kidding me! Taxes come back to haunt me even now!”
“I just…”
“I know, I know!” She waved her hoof at the Guard. “You were just doing your job. I won’t hurt the bearer of bad news just because I don’t like what I hear.”
“You can’t hurt Fleur De Lis either,” Celestia whispered.
“It was just a saying, Sister.”
“Just in case.”
Luna sighed. “Tell Fleur De Lis I’ll be with her in five minutes,” she said to the Guard. “And now flee.”
“Thank you for your good job,” Celestia added. “I apologize, but could you leave us alone? We want to talk in private.”
The Guard nodded, then left the room. As the door closed and they were left alone again, Luna rolled her eyes. “Do you really need to apologize to them?” Luna asked. “They interrupted us. I get that you want to respect them, but they have to respect us first.”
“You’re just picky because you still need to work on your taxes.”
“Sush. You were supposed to give me your tearful last speech.”
Celestia chuckled. “Yes, of course. Where was I?”
“A thousand years of solitude.”
“Of course.” Celestia cleared her throat with a cough. “Ahem. As I was saying… Uh?”
Luna frowned. “What’s the matter?”
Celestia bit her lip. “I think it’s too late.”
Silence. In the distance, a cricket chirped.
“What?”
“I don’t know, I feel pretty dead at the moment,” Celestia said. “Something tells me I already kicked the bucket.”
“What?! You were alive two minutes ago!”
“Yes, but I believe I died when the Guard opened the door.” Celestia put her hoof against her chest. “Hmm… Yes. Not beating.” She looked at her sister apologetically.
And that’s it. That’s how Celestia “died,” if you can really say that an immortal can die. Maybe, after all, a simple bug’s death wasn’t enough to bring down one of the most powerful beings in existence. But, hey, to the bug’s credit, it had managed to stop her heart. Not like it really mattered, from a practical point of view, but always look on the bright side of life.
“Oh, come on! We missed your death because of my taxes?!” Luna sighed. “I told you they were a bad idea.”
“Well, there’s nothing we can do about it.”
Silence.
“So…” Luna approached her sister and stared at her. “Do you feel any different?”
“I don’t know. It’s more or less the same as being alive, only without my heart beating,” Celestia explained. Then she frowned. “Also, I think I don’t need to eat now.”
“You don’t need to eat?”
“Uh-huh. But I’m not sure. It’s just a hunch.”
“Well…” Luna raised an eyebrow. “At least you’re talking. Do you feel like getting in a coffin?”
“Not really,” Celestia replied. “We can still get one, though.”
“I don’t get why mortals take death so seriously,” Luna said. “I don’t see it as such a huge deal. It’s not even that annoying.”
“Well, maybe it’s different for us immortals.”
“Sure.” Luna sighed. “Well, seeing how you’re already dead, I guess it’s time for me to go and meet Fleur De Lis. I’m overflowing with happiness.”
“Raise the moon first,” Celestia said. “Otherwise, you’ll be late.”
“Oh, sure.” As Luna walked towards the balcony, she looked at the ceiling, pensive. “Say, Sister?”
“Yes?”
“Now that you’re dead, I’m the big sister, right?”
“No.”
“Bummer.” Luna’s horn glimmered with a blue light. “Today has been a fun day. You should die more often.”
Author's Note
This has to be the most anticlimactic thing I've ever written.
Whoop-de-dooo.
