A Completely Random Tour

by Smaug the Golden

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Adventure, Comedy
Length: 2483

The tap-dancing conga tarantulas go on tour. Dissonance is simply overjoyed. Mental and Riddle are not.

Dissonance convinces the tap-dancing conga tarantulas to go on tour, as he thinks that going on tour would help improve their act. Mental and Riddle think otherwise. So to help with managing and whatnot, they hire the weirdest roadcrew ever seen. As they journey across Equestria, they get cheers and boos… Well, mainly boos, and the occasional snore.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-10 23:00:09 UTC

I have a great idea!

“Guys, I just had the best idea!” Dissonance cried out, his face filled with glee. “Guess what it is?”

“Guess who doesn’t care,” Riddle muttered. “Mental, check.” The sphinx moved a knight forward, putting the former psychiatrist in a dangerous situation.

“Ah, come on. Why would you not like to hear it?”

“Because your idea probably has something to do with backgammon. I’m not playing. Riddle, your move.”

Dissonance gave the psychiatrist a dirty look. “This idea has nothing to do with backgammon. If you would listen, you would hear my brilliant idea.”

Riddle shrugged. “For what it’s worth, many of your ideas turn out to be failures. I don’t think I want to try this one.”

“I agree with Riddle. Your last idea was to try teaching the tarantulas to bake. I still don’t have the taste of burnt cider out of my mouth. How did you get them to burn cider?” Mental grimaced at the memory. “That was the worst batch of food you have ever made. Why would we trust your newest idea?”

“Because it would get the tarantulas to leave the temple for a while.”

Riddle’s eyes widened. “What is it? If there are no tarantulas in the temple, I’m game for whatever crazy scheme you’ve cooked up.”

“Riddle, why do you want the tarantulas out?” Mental asked. “Okay, I understand why, but what is going to convince them to leave? They enjoy performing for us.”

“Oh, I thought they could go on a tour of Equestria. You know, perform for thousands of ponies in different cities.”

Mental gave his friend a piercing stare. “Why do I feel that you’re not telling me something?”

“I don’t tell you a lot of things. I never told you I have a pet timberwolf.” Mental’s eyes widened at this statement, but Dissonance chose to continue. “I sleep with a night light.”

Mental thought about that a moment before replying. “How do we get electricity?”

“I don’t know. We don’t get bills for it, so I have no idea whatsoever.”

Mental’s eye widened. “Wait… Is that what you’re using my giant hamster wheel for? I said it was for exercise, not for generating power.”

“Oh. Should I get that orthros out of it?”

“For how long have you had an orthros?!” Riddle shrieked.

“Since the Rainbow Falls trader exchange. I had no use for that bird call anyway.”

“You traded my bird call?” The sphinx’s eyes were darting around, as if she expected to see giant two headed dogs around every corner. “You know I don’t like dogs. Why would you get an orthros?”

Dissonance scratched his head. “Well, that pegasus said that he was really friendly. I know that you don’t like dogs, so I traded the bird call to get you the orthros so that you would see how awesome dogs could be.”

“Why do you think an orthros would help me like dogs!?”

“I don’t know. But you seem to like mythical creatures such as sphinxes.”

Mental grimaced. “Dissonance, Riddle is a sphinx. Sphinxes are not mythical. She likes sphinxes because she is one.”

“Oh. Anyway, can we get the tarantulas to leave the temple?”

“Sure, but you owe me a new whistle.”

Mental shrugged. “If you two are in, I’m in.”

“Hhhraug.” Dissonance grimaced. The tarantulas were being feisty.

“Yes. We suggest you go on tour of Equestria.”

“Hhrauga?” The lead tarantula asked quizzically. It tapped one of its hairy legs on a mini table that Riddle had built in her spare time.

Riddle placed one of her claws on her face. “Why do I have creepy crawlies that do ballet for roommates?”

“Hrruage,” the lead tarantula said angrily.

“Riddle, you know that they do tap-dancing, not ballet,” Mental pointed out.

“Hhruagga.” The lead tarantula nodded sagely at Mental’s remark. “Hhruage. Hrage.” The tarantula smirked at Dissonance after the last remark.

Dissonance stuck his tongue out at the tarantula. “Just because you have hair on your chin and I don’t doesn’t mean that you are superior to me.” The Draconequus had always had a sore spot about the fact that he had zero hair on his chin, while other Draconequuses… Er, Draconquses… (Maybe Draconequi?) like Discord had little goatees.

The tarantula’s smirk only increased in size. “Hraugga.” Dissonance looked offended at the remark and gave the tarantula the evil eye, which was saying a lot, as when a Draconequus gives you the evil eye… He can give you a large variety of evil eyes. The tarantula’s smirk turned into a grimace, and it stepped down from the stand. A new tarantula climbed to the top and took over negotiations.

Dissonance grinned, pulling his massive eye back into his head. “So, now that you’re in charge, let’s continue.”

The tarantula nodded. “Hruager.” Mental slapped his forehead multiple times in frustration.

“For the last time, you are not getting maternity leave. Tarantulas do not get maternity leave. They lay egg sacks, and then die after laying them. You do no such thing.”

The tarantula blew a raspberry at Mental with its mandibles and ended up getting its mouth stuck open. It attempted to free it and eventually got them unstuck. “Hurageded,” it muttered feebly. One of its fellow tarantulas gave it a pat on the back to cheer it up. The tarantula looked revived and began negotiations again. “Hraraged.”

Riddle sighed. “Fine, we’ll hire you a road crew and cover their wages. Who would you hire anyway?”

The tarantula shrugged. “Huahte hareuage hageared?”

Riddle screeched. “How would you know!? You ask us to hire a road crew and you don’t know who to hire!?”

The tarantula nodded, as if it was glad Riddle got the gist. “Huaraed.”

Riddle groaned feebly. “If anyone needs me, I’ll be playing chess in a corner… with a creepy crawly that does ballet.” The sphinx crawled off and grabbed a tarantula. The pair started playing a heated game of chess.

Mental gazed first at Dissonance, then the negotiating tarantula, and then at Riddle. “Um, Dissonance, do you mind if I go play chess with Riddle and the tarantula?”

Dissonance and the tarantula stared at each other, and then at Mental. “Sure.”

“Huaraed.” Mental nodded and grabbed another tarantula as he walked away to play with him. The tarantula turned back to Dissonance. “Haread.”

Dissonance clapped his paws. “So you’ll go on tour of Equestria. How wonderful.”

The tarantula nodded. “Heraeadaed.”

Dissonance turned to his friends. “Guys, they agreed to go on tour of Equestria.”

Riddle and Mental jumped for joy. “Huzzah!”

Dissonance continued as if they hadn’t said anything. “And we’re going on tour with them.”

Mental and Riddle looked at one another with pure horror in their eyes. What didn’t help was the fact that when they looked at their chess boards, they were in checkmate.

Auditions.

“So, why do you want to go on this tour?” The question was directed to a pair of sandy unicorns with flamboyant red hair. Mental tried to avoid being distracted while he questioned the pair, despite the fact that Dissonance was using his magic to make a set of mini stages with tiny tarantulas parading on it. “Dissonance, be quiet. I’m trying to see what they want.” Dissonance gave the former psychiatrist a hurt look, and replaced the stage with a doll of Mental that kept opening its mouth again and again. “Hm, very funny. Anyway, Flamflim, why do you want to audition?”

The pair of unicorns looked a bit hurt. “We’re actually the Flimflam brothers. We’re the world famous Flimflam brothers, nonpareil. I suppose by now you’re wondering…” The pair started to begin singing before Mental interrupted them.

“No. You are not here to try out for singing parts, although with that key, you’d fit right in with the tarantulas.”

Flim and Flam looked pleased until they saw the look on Mental’s face. “Um, we want to go on tour so that we can sell our merchandise.”

Mental nodded, using his pen to mark the form. Flim and Flam looked at each other nervously. Was he accepting them, or was he denying them? “Please continue. What merchandise would you sell?”

Flim started off. “We would like to sell tarantula themed merchandise. Portable egg sacs.”

“Never lose your young fillies ever again. Keep your loved ones close with the Flimflam brothers’ carry-on-your-back egg sac.”

Mental nodded and made another mark on the sheet of paper. “Go on.”

“We would also to sell stuffed tarantulas.”

“Give the kids something hairy and creepy. They won’t bother you again.”

Mental nodded and made a final mark on the sheet. “I’m afraid that I have to deny your request.” Flim and Flam walked out dejectedly. After they had left, Dissonance turned to his friend.

“What did you write on that form?” Mental showed it to the Draconequus. “Very funny Mental, very funny.” On the sheet there was a picture of Flim and Flam as bobble heads. “Are you sure it isn’t you who needs a psychiatrist?”

Mental shrugged. “Who cares? Riddle, do you want take the next interview? We have far too many to work through.” Riddle nodded, and Mental called to the tarantulas in the next room. “Send the next pony in!”

“So, Twinkleshine?” The unicorn on stage nodded. “Why do you want to go on this trip?”

“I’d like to go on this tour so that I could work as a backup singer. I heard you needed a road crew.”

The sphinx nodded and made a mark on her clipboard. “What experience do you have as a backup of any form?”

The unicorn scratched her head. “Well, I was a bridesmaid for a royal wedding.”

“Okay, how did it go?”

“I got brainwashed by the Changeling Queen and was defeated by the real bride. Does that help?”

Riddle’s eyes widened and she placed her clipboard on her desk. “Request denied. Next!”

“So, Soarin. You’re a Wonderbolt. Why would you want to go on tour with us?”

“I’ll take a large hay fries. Wait, what did you say?” Soarin’s eye widened, and he took a step back.

Dissonance sighed. “I said that we’re going on tour. Why are you volunteering for a part of the road crew?”

“Wait, what tour? I thought this was a restaurant.”

“The fact that this is an ancient temple, the employees are tarantulas and the person supposed to take your order is a Draconequus didn’t tip you off?” Soarin shook his head. Dissonance sighed. “Fine.” The Draconequus snapped his fingers and handed the Wonderbolt a plate of hay fries. “Next!”

Riddle tapped her friend on the shoulder. “I’ll take a large soda.”

“So, Iron Will, why do you want to volunteer?” Mental asked.

“Iron Will need money. Iron Will lost mojo. Iron Will wants to go on tour with goats and tarantulas.”

“Who here is a goat?”

“Iron Will’s helpers are goats. He bring them.”

Mental nodded. “Okay, you’re hired.”

“Iron Will understand you turning him down- Wait, Iron Will is hired?”

Mental nodded. “Yes. You fit our criteria.”

Dissonance gave Mental a strange look. “What are our criteria?”

Mental shrugged. “I’m making this up as I go. Cut me some slack.” Dissonance nodded. “Next!”

“So, Diamond Tiara, why are you auditioning?” Dissonance tapped his paw on the table as the filly in front of him shuffled nervously.

“Daddy said that I had to find a project this summer. Working for you sounded fun. I needed to work somewhere where I could tease my bosses so that they would feel insecure. You seemed as good as any.”

Dissonance shook his head. “Sorry, but you’re too young. Twilight cleaned out all my laws with loopholes, so you can’t work for me.” The Draconequus pulled a lever and a trapdoor opened beneath the filly.

“Whyyyyyyyyy!?”

Dissonance shrugged. “I suppose Mental’s trapdoor did come in handy. Next!”

“Suri Polomare. Former dress designer, cheater, and downright jerk. Why did you write this on your resume?” Riddle asked.

The pony grinned sheepishly. “I didn’t know what to put on it.  I wrote it in one angry fit after my assistant quit and she called me all of those things. I didn’t know what else to write.”

Riddle nodded. “Hm. What experience do you have with hairy tarantulas?”

“None.”

“What experience do you have with fashion designing?”

“Lots.”

“How do you design dressed?”

“Steal ideas from the competition.”

“Great, you’re hired.” The sphinx shook her claw with the pony’s hoof. “Look forward to working with you.”

Dissonance tapped her on the shoulder. “Why did you hire her?”

“I don’t know,” the sphinx whispered back. “I didn’t know who else we would deal with. I figured she was better than some of the options. Deal with it. Next!”

“I assume you’re lost?” Mental asked politely.

The pony on stage shook his head. “No. I was ridin’ in a horse-drawn carriage and they said this was my stop.”

“And what exactly is your stop?”

“Ponyville.”

“Yeah, we’re in the middle of the Everfree Forest. Get your drivers to learn how to read a map.”

Braeburn grinned. “Partner, you seem a bit grumpy. Besides, this isn’t the Everfree, it’s part of Ponyville.”

Dissonance popped up behind the pony. “Not until season six. Next!”

“Why am I here? I was supposed to be… I don’t actually know where I was supposed to be.” The green mare on stage grinned a little sheepishly.

Dissonance nodded. “Yeah, I summoned you here to audition.”

“I never said I was auditioning.”

“Didn’t you fill out a form?”

“I thought that was a bank loan.”

Dissonance slapped his face. “No it wasn’t. It was a form to join our road crew. You filled it out. Don’t you read forms?”

“No.”

“Do you know what blind voting is?” Dissonance asked suspiciously.

“What is it? Is that supposed to be funny?”

“No. Joke to the public.”

“What’s a joke to th- actually, never mind. Am I hired?”

Dissonance shrugged. “Sure. Guess we’ve got our road crew.”

Fifteen minutes later, the three hired road crew members were assembled. Dissonance, dressed in an army uniform, marched in front of the trio. “You three have been chosen for a dangerous mission.”

“Iron Will thought that this wasn’t going to be dangerous.”

Dissonance glared at the minotaur. “Two things, one, anything can be dangerous. Second, stop talking about yourself in first person present.”

Iron Will nodded. “Iron Will will stop talking about himself in third person present. Iron Will shouldn’t talk in third person present.”

Lightning Dust kicked the minotaur. “That’s third person future.”

Mental moaned. “Iron Will, please just talk about yourself in third person present. Makes a lot more sense.”

Dissonance glared at the three offenders. “Back to business. We are going to travel across Equestria. We are going to the most dangerous place first: Trottingham!” Mental swooned and fell over, half expecting Riddle to catch him. She didn’t.