Dogeing the Issue

by Lord Destrustor

Rating: teen
Tags: Fluttershy, Random, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human
Length: 1545

A man cosplaying as doge is sent to Equestria. I can't even.

Memecon 2017.

A man attends the prestigious celebration of the Internet while cosplaying as the infamous doge.
Predictably, he gets sent to Equestria for no conceivable reason. Because of course.
This is what happens next.

My response to the LoHAV thing.

Published 2014-05-03 16:10:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-03 16:10:03 UTC

Wow such chapter

Fluttershy observed the creature.

The creature stared at Fluttershy.

Fluttershy maintained eye contact with the strange animal.

The strange animal was, ostensibly, a dog; golden-white hair, four legs, ears and wagging tail and all that doggy goodness. What set it apart from most other dogs the pegasus had ever seen was the intensity of its gaze; the dog’s eyes seemed unusually big and pony-like for a canine, and were unflinchingly fixated on the gentle pony. Fluttershy was really intrigued by the size of the dogs eyes; even Winona, whose size roughly matched that of this specimen, only had beady little dots for eyes.

Where this detail alone might have been a hint that this was not a normal dog, what really sold Fluttershy to the idea was the fact that this dog seemed capable of speech, and not in that bullfart made-up animal language she pretended to use when her friends were looking at her. The dog spoke legitimate equestrian words.

And for some reason, said words also appeared in the air around the dog’s head, in a weird, semi-comical sans-serif font. Also multicolor somehow.

“Wow” it said, “Much Fluttershy” “Very exited” “So happy 2 c u”

The yellow pegasus shrunk a bit, letting her mane hide most of her face from the strange dog who somehow knew her name despite both of them only meeting a few minutes ago when the canine had burst from the Everfree forest.

“Very yellow” “So pegasus” “Much fether”

“Um, sorry if it’s too much of a personal question, but how do you know my name? I don’t think we’ve ever met before.”

“Human doge is doge human” the thing said, its unblinking, slightly tilted stare boring into Fluttershy. “Much brony” “Very fan of you”

As the yellow pony looked up, contemplating the dog’s peculiar speech, said dog added “Hepl plz”

“Oh,” the flutterpony eventually said, “I think I know what’s going on. Follow me.” Fluttershy began trotting towards Ponyville, but stopped after a single step to basically collapse on herself as she looked back timidly. “I mean, if you want to, I wouldn’t want to make you feel I was giving you orders or anything, because I know you look like a dog but you’re probably not really one and I don’t want to make you feel too much like one even though you might be one who knows” and the rest of her sentence was lost to the gentle wind rustling the ~~jimmies~~ branches around them.

“Is no problem” the dog-thing said while taking a step forward to follow, before immediately collapsing face-first on the ground. “Much ow” it whined, “2manylegs4me” it added.

“Oh my.” The kind pony immediately flew to the dog’s side, helping it up and gently guiding it on the path, helping the poor thing adopt a proper style of quadruped locomotion.

With the help of Fluttershy, the dog began making progress towards the bustling pony village ahead.

“Very tahnks” “Grateful doge is grateful” “You so best”

Fluttershy blushed a little from the praise, but was busier being distracted by the magical appearance of the colorful, disjointed words around her. She resolved to move away from the area immediately surrounding the dog’s head as soon as it was capable of walking without her help.

They soon found themselves within the town itself, the golden dog visibly growing accustomed to its four-legged stance. It did not take long for it to begin paying attention to its surroundings once it didn’t have to devote it entirely to the simple act of walking.

“Wow” “So ponies” “Very Equestria” “like dreem” “Wow” “So many pones” “Cant believe”

Fluttershy paid a minimum of attention to the disjointed speech of the dog, more relieved than anything else to have finally escaped the aura of magically-appearing words it seemed to inhabit.

The townsponies, for their part, seemed content to just avoid eye contact with the dog’s unsettling stare. Some waved at Fluttershy, but most opted to look away and become suddenly busy with random things.

Eventually, the massive tree known for playing host to a library and a very magic pony came into view.

“Treebrary so sugoi” “Much fanboy”

Fluttershy gently knocked on the door, soon to be let in by none other than Twilight herself.

“Hi, Fluttershy! What brings you her-“

“Wow” “Much rpincess” “Alicornity intensifies” “Ohai”

The two ponies shared a moment of silence, Fluttershy’s only response to Twilight’s question being an awkward motion towards the weird dog. Said weird dog was too busy wagging its tail like a maniac to really pay attention to the situation.

“So tail” “Very wagging” “Tail plz stahp”

With a dramatic sigh, Twilight invited her friend and the dog inside.

“I think I found another one,” Fluttershy told her purple friend, who was eyeing the creature with a mix of suspicion and disgust.

“You don’t say.” Twilight sighed again. “They’re really becoming more and more stupid lately, aren’t they?”

“Wow” “Much hurt” “Sad doge is sad”

“Well,” Fluttershy mumbled while tapping her front hooves together, “I wouldn’t go that far, but I guess they are getting weirder and weirder.”

“Weirder? It’s like the universe is trying to ruin Equestria! Don’t you remember Barney the dinosaur?”

“Oh yes. …Speaking of, how is Spike?”

Twilight waved a hoof dismissively. “Still refuses to leave his bed and hasn’t spoken a word at all. What did that big purple freak do to him I wonder…”

“Pedo alert” “Much touching” “Cry evertim”

Twilight narrowed her eyes at the dog, who was content to just stare at her like usual.

“Is… Is it trying to say something? I feel like there’s a message I’m just not getting here.”

“I’m not sure, it’s hard to understand what he’s trying to say most of the time.”

“Anyway,” Twilight rolled her eyes, “Better get the spell ready. It won’t be our problem once I send it back where it belongs.”

“Very worry” “Much scare” “plz don’t’ hurt doge”

“Oh, poor little thing,” Fluttershy cooed, grabbing the dog in a soothing hug. “Of course Twilight won’t hurt you, she’s just going to send you back to your world. Wouldn’t you like that?”

“Oyes” “Plz fast” “Very want” “Doge life is liek hell” “Cry”

The dog’s tail went back to wagging while it stared at Twilight.

“Yes, well, you do that,” Twilight said as she went to the basement’s door. “Keep it busy while I gather the components, okay?”

Twilight descended only a few steps before she added: “Or at least keep it out of trouble!” Her hoofsteps then slowly faded into silence as she went down the stairs.

Fluttershy stared at the dog.

The dog stared at Fluttershy.

Fluttershy narrowed her eyes. “You know, I don’t think I remember seeing you blink even once since we met…”

“Much pain” “Very staring” “Ouch so dry”

“Oh my,” the timid pegasus looked around the room in a fluster, a hoof to her mouth. “Oh, uh, wait here!” She then flew to the treehome’s kitchen, bringing back a cool glass of water about half a minute later.

She instructed the dog to remain still while she gently poured some of the water into its unblinking eyes.

“So thanks” “Very relief” “Elemnet of kindnees much well” “You very best”

“Oh, umm, it’s hard to aim for your eyes with all these words appearing in my face, so could you be a little quieter please?”

The dog just stared at her in response.

“Good. There! Aren’t you feeling better now, good boy?

The dog was about to respond when Twilight returned with a mysterious satchel clutched in her magic, prompting the canine to immediately direct its gaze towards her.

Only slightly taken aback by the creepy sideways stare, Twilight began taking strange, esoteric objects out of the bag to then place them in a circle on the floor. Once she was done, she asked the dog to go stand in the middle of the circle.

“Doge redy” “Such magic” “Wow”

Twilight’s horn lit up while Fluttershy watched, light soon flooding the room from the magic being activated. The dog started glowing brightly, and it only had time to utter a single “Kthnx Bai” before vanishing in a flash.

“There, done,” Twilight sighed, “hopefully it’s the last one I ever see.”

“I don’t think we’ve seen the last of these humans here in Equestria, Twilight.”

The alicorn groaned, slumping to the ground. “I knooooow,” she said, sinking deeper into despair. In the room above, Spike wept silently.

Meanwhile, on Earth, a man awoke with a start, gasping for air and blinking repeatedly.

“That’s it!” he yelled, startling the male hooker with whom he shared a bed, albeit totally platonically because they were just room-mates and nothing more like he repeatedly swore to his parents. “That’s the last time I shoot heroin straight into my dick while dressed like a dog! Three times is enough!”

Author's Note

Any shame I once had committed suicide because of this. I'm now all alone with only regret's hateful glare to keep me company.

DISCLAIMER: I have not, and never will, read even a single wheel of this inane bandwagon. Anyone who takes this seriously is worse than Hitler and Satan combined.

Don't be a Shitlan, guys.