Firebird's Bad Feather Day

by firebirdabirdoffire

Rating: mature
Tags: Philomena, Comedy, Romance, Adventure, King Sombra, Random, Discord, Alternate Universe, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2288

It's a really, really bad day for Firebird.

Ferdinand "Firebird" Falcon, your typical human sucked into Equestria, and the sole Phoenix in the world capable of Pony speech, had a surprisingly fun night at a milk bar. Unfortunately for him he's uniquely allergic to milk. Having almost alcoholic effects on him in large doses. He has a major hangover next morning. Meanwhile all kinds of different messed up stuff happen in Equestria which Firebird can't seem to avoid. Not the least of which is, unbeknownst to him, King Sombra's minions are on hunt for him.

Adding a character tag once I figured out who plays a bigger reoccurring role.
Might also add Sex and Gore tags. Most likely gore.

This story is my first step out of my comfort zone.

Also keep in mind that the Firebird in the story does not reflect me. Because it's more funny this way, I think.

Don't expect frequent updates. As this story was a spur of the moment thing, and not in my writing schedule. A side-project if you will.

Inspired by a Let's Play of Conker's Bad Fur Day I was working on while recording footage, and all the sleep I lost because of it. You don't to play that game to read this at all. It's only loosely based on it.

Published 2014-05-08 21:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-08 21:00:02 UTC

Prologue

firebirdabirdmadeoutfire

Presents...

A

firebirdabirdoffire

Fanfiction

...That was the worst I have experienced, all I wanted to do is go home. Instead I became a respected king of dark magic. With the ability to conquer the world if I so desired.

I don't, however. But I don't trust anybody else with this power. For either they become corrupted, take revenge on me or maybe both or neither. You can never be sure. Those ponies should be grateful after all they have done to me, I can kill them all, but that will only make things worse. I'll just wait for the Princesses to kill me off and neutralize my power.

But even with all this power, I can't bring one of the most precious thing I lost... What? You're curious of what happened? I somehow doubt that. But I need something to amuse myself. It all started yesterday, take a seat if you need to. You're about to hear what's typically called a bad mane day. But in this Bird's case it's a Bad Feather Day...

Firebird's

BAD

FEATHER

DAY.

The Milk Bar and the Hangover Aftermath Shenanigans

Late at night, in Ponyville, Firebird and his friend Dumb Luck were at a milk bar. "How did you get me agree me to spend my precious time in a stinking milk bar of all places?" Firebird said sitting at counter annoyed at his Pure Blue Pegasus friend; Dumb E. Luck.

"Because I'm off to fight some war tomorrow and wanna drink with my bloody friends. And you're my only true friend." He yelled.

"Am I now?"

"Don't gimme that bloody ass sarcasm and that F$#&%$^# pessimism now. It got old as shit. Anyways, you had to be one of them typse who never wanna that booze. So I'm exploiting your F@#%^@& stupid allergy against milk. So drink up your three liters of milk, I'll drink my F@$^#^# booze, and we'll party HARD. "

"You don't need to swear every second, that gets older than milk. Not to mention it makes you sound like some kinda tool." Firebird never liked it, both him and Dumb Luck both wondered why they were friends. Friendship is magic, their asses in their case.

"Just drink, F@%@ ass."

Firebird glared. "...You're lucky milk's my favorite drink, and my throat's sore at the moment. Just let me send a letter home, so they'll know I'll be late at home.

"If this is a shitty excuse of backing out..."

Firebird asked the employee for pen and paper. Once he got it he wrote it down.

Dear Celestia/Luna,

I'll be home late, I'm hanging out with a friend for once, who knows what will this night? And please don't reply for the next 24 hours please.

Your friend, Ferdinand Falcon

P.S. Please say hi to Philomena for me, and that I'll gladly do it again next week.

Firebird softly read out loud. He used his fire to teleport it straight to the Princess.

"Celestia's pet." Dumb Luck mumbled.

A while later...

*hic* Firebird and Dumb Luck really got drunk. Turning the milk bar upside down. Flipped chairs everywhere, broken glasses, their concept of property damage was gone for the night. "...nnn that'sh how Celeshia did Luna-" Firebird needed to swallow. "Luna'sh-us mane."

"Bwaahaahaahaahahahaha!" Luck laughed hard. "That'sh shoooooooooooooooo fawny. I can't believe that."

"Say boys, you know what I can't believe?" The scrawny earth pony manager calmly said behind them.

"What?/What!?"

"WHY WE HAVEN'T KICKED YOU OUT YET!!!!!" He turned around, and kicked them in the beak/muzzle out of the door.

"Go home!" He slammed the door behind him.

"Wwwellll, that wash fun. But that opinion will change in the morning." Firebird said. "Shee ya if ya survive, D. L."

"Bye!" Dumb Luck walked home.

Firebird flew off too. He really wanted to go to bed.

The next morning... In a dark castle, far off...

A cook walked into the throne room. "Breakfast's ready at the the dinner table, sire."

"Of course, I'll be on my way." The self-proclaimed king of dark magic replied. He got of his throne. As he walked down to the room's only exit, he was stopped on the way there. By the sunlight shining into his throne room. The king tried to step over the ray of sunlight but alas, it's too high to step over. This means he'll be hungry for a few more hours. King Sombra XIII got frustrated over those useless windows. "GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Guards!!"

*Groan.* 'I don't remember my bed being so... Glassy.' Firebird woke with a yawn. He opened his eyes, he was resting down at a beach. Somewhere between the sea the stairs leading to the shopping area. He's been probably for sometime too, indicated the glass he was lied down on. "Where am I?" He said groggily out loud. No one was here. Presumably was because it's early. He looked around, he couldn't see Canterlot Mountain anywhere. "Hmm... Don't drink and fly, or you'll end up lost in a place you don't know, where the sun shines too brightly. Lesson learned, never liked flying anyway." He sighed. "This is going to be a looooooooooooooooong trip. At least the milk's influence is gone." He said as he jumped of the sand on his talons and shrugged. "I'd better scout around for directions. Philomena and the Princesses are going to be so worried..."

Firebird saw a bunch of signs with seemingly several useful information on it in the distance. He tried to use his superior bird vision. "Why of all days must I forget my glasses?" He decided to ignore it. After wandering about for about thirty minutes. He stumbled over small bump of sand. "Aaaaah!" He got a whole bunch sand grains in his beak.

The bump erected, the grains were falling of as it rose. Firebird got up. Noticing he was overshadowed, he turned around to see a green shark with shades, a black motorbiking jacket, a sharp set of teeth with a golden tooth, several skull tattoos and pink bow on its head. "Oh, hello." He said with about the same emotion as ordering a pizza.

"You're on my turf now, li'l Phoenix." It spoke in a androgynous voice. Now Firebird suddenly knew why nobody at the beach. They were off theorizing its gender. Sarcasm. It was obviously because of the sand shark patrolling this place. "You're now at the mercy of the Sküll Sand Ghoul!"

"Ah," Firebird nodded. "so what do you teach?" He joked.

"No," The Sand Ghoul turned around so Firebird can read his jacket. "It's Sküll, as in Skull. S-K-Ü Double L."

"I know, so can't teach me anything?" Continued to act clueless.

"Is there something you need taught?" The shark smugly said.

"The way home to Canterlot, maybe?"

"Ha!! Fat chance, shithead. You crossed my turf now. Prepare to die." It opened its huuuuuuuuuuge jaw.

"Go ahead. There's literally no way for you to kill me off." He said calmly yet slightly intimidated.

"And why's that?" The shark stopped to ask.

"1: Main character syndrome, it might break at some point, but certainly not now. 2: I'm a Phoenix, I'll come back."

"And what if I ate ya?"

"Well once you've munched me in minuscule bits and digest me, I will grow myself back myself back together in your stomach, once that's done I'll either melt you from the inside, or scratch my way out and burst out of your chest like an alien. Whichever you prefer. Either way it'll kill you, and neither of us will like it. "Firebird's western European accent grew a fake(?) sadistic edge when describing that.

The shark had an uneasy face. "'Kay, I'll help you. Methinks Canterlot's thatta way." The shark pointed at the ocean. "But I don't think you can fly all the way over the ocean."

"I'm a great swimmer."

"Even then... Unless..."

"Unless, what? Sküll Sand Ghoul, sir."

"You could always try pulling shit outta yer ass like bad writers do."

"'Scuse me?"

"Let me rephrase that. You know in some fan fictions and sometimes actual literature there are some things that irk you the wrong way. Like a sudden out of character moment, or someone suddenly a character has a hammer to whack a rodent with. I can't of many examples, but it usual means the writer is incompetent or trying to cover something up."

"Who said I'm a writer?" Firebird said suspiciously.

"So you are! Good for you, so you know what I'm talking about. Use whatever you need at this moment."

*Sigh* "I don't think I have much of a choice." Firebird held up his wings. And willed a speedboat into existence, which crushed him, several bones snapped could've been heard. "A little help?"

Sküll Ghoul tail whipped it into the water. "Here you go."

"Thank you." Firebird collected himself. He looked at the boat he created. It had an awesome black with flames design. "I think I've over did it..."

"I like it." The shark said.

"Meh." Firebird boarded the boat he dubbed the 'The Red Falcon', he started the motor and waved the Sand Shark good-bye. "Farewell, thanks for everything."

"Good bye, Birdy." Once the boat was out of sight, the shark pulled out his cell phone. "Hey Alex. There will be an awesome looking speedboat on your way. Please destroy it along with the Phoenix on it."

♪A new venture, la-laa, la-laa, la-laaaaaaaaa♪ Firebird sang loudly, because no one can hear him sing a guilty pleasure. Suddenly Kraken.

"You dare! You dare cross paths with my lair!" It huge, it had six eyes, a mouth, a bunch of tentacles, and worst of all, it's ultra violet. Firebird trembled at the sight of that.

"Um... Y-yes I did dare, if unknowningly. I wanna go home. Can I do that, please?"

"No. No, you can't go!"

"Of course I can't. So you're going to kill me?"

The kraken swiped the boat with it's tentacles. He crushed the boat, leaving the flambéed bird wrapped in its grip. Firebird had his head, two talons and tail feathers free, but that was it. Unable to escape the grasp.

Firebird looked at the boat's leftovers falling in the sea. "I'm so high right now, here comes that nauseous feeling." He gulped. Firebird ironically doesn't like heights. The kraken opened its mouth. "I need to make this quick before I might hurl or pass out." He used his tail feathers to light the bomb in his talons.

"What was that you lit fire on? Wait, what. Is that a bomb?"

"Good eye and good bye." Firebird sickly said as he threw the bomb undertaloned in the sea monster's mouth. The monster swallowed it, in shock he let the bird loose.

"You git. Shhhhh-" The sea monster exploded in a bloody mess.

"I apologeyeze. I apologize again..." He said floating in the water out guilt of killing something or the pun. Maybe both. The water around him turned red. "Better move on..." He said, with some of his voice lost. He zoomed past the bloody puddle on his rocket powered inner tube. ♪Can you feel the sunshine?♪ He sang as a goldfish with the name 'Alex' tattooed to his side was trying to catch up.

Meanwhile, in Sombra's Castle...

In the throne room, Sombra was awaiting help. Said help finally arrived. "Finally Doctor. Took you long enough." Sombra said menacingly.

"I apologithe, thir, I wath buthy inventing helicopterth and Yo-Yoth." Said the bipedal arctic wolf in a lab coat with a lisp frightened. Still walking up to the throne walking through the sunlight.

"There's no such time for such nonsense!"

"Yeth, my lord." The wolf covered his face. "What'th t-troubling you?" Sombra pointed at the windows.

The wolf looked at them for a while. "...I don't get it." He always spoke kinda fast.

"The sun shines!" The king yelled. The wolf chuckled. "What's so funny, Dr. Husky?"

"Nothing, it'th an in-joke, thir." He observed the windows. "They will thine for a long time in the room... I thall thee what can be done."

"You better be quick." Sombra said.

"Of course, thir..." Dr. Husky said shakingly.

"We don't want to bring out the yarn ball again... Do you?"

*Gulp* "O-of c-c-courthe, sir." He walked out of the room.

"F*&(%%& yarn ball. Of all the luck in the world I get the F(*#&$@# wortht. I get F%&&*#( seperated from my F@$^#&# owner. Turned into a bloody real boy, gained mathive intelligenthe and knowledge. And I get taken under that F&$*^#$ Thombra'th leathery metaphorical F(#&*C# bat wingth, can't even do actual thience on hith watcth. No what was I doing again? Oh yeah that'th right. Finding a solution, yeah that wath it. What wath I doing before that? Oh, right, theveral thilver plated book markerth. That can thtop almotht anything to a halt. Don't need that any F^%*^%# more." He threw it out the window.

Firebird finally struck Equestrian land, the castle was still nowhere in sight, but it's a start. He burned the burned inner tube and threw the still burning thing in the sea. From a far, far off grey castle, several shiny objects flew towards Equestria. One landed right in front of him. "Hm. Look like a silver bookma

Author's Note

Welp... Here it goes. Please give me some feedback, Preferably as analytical as you can, I'll need it to decide if . And is this a decent jump to a mature rating? Is it mature? Is it actually immature while I think is sooo clever, something I hate, ironically. Any questions maybe?

The further the story goes along, the more ponies will appear.