Let Me Tell You Where This Will End
This is Where Everything Ends, Celestia!
“So…”
“So.”
“You’re… here too. Well, this is awkward.”
“Tell me about it, Celestia.”
“Right. I admit this was one of the last places I expected to find you, Chrysalis.”
“Don’t act like my presence is not making any sense. What are you doing here, Princess?”
“May I simply not answer that question, walk away, and we both pretend we never saw each other?”
“Under normal circumstances I’d say yes. Unfortunately, it is literally impossible for this situation to get any more abnormal.”
“So… in other words I have no choice?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Well, as long as you share your reasoning too.”
“Celestia, seriously, this metaphor should be more than obvious to anypony, especially you, regardless of how offensive it is.”
“You mean the Queen of the Changelings having landed in—pardon my wording here—shit after her failure at the Royal Wedding to take over Equestria?”
“Watch your tongue, Princess! And I’m not in shit, I’m surrounded by it.”
“Well, I can’t add anything to that. There isn’t much light in the walkways in the Canterlot sewers. Only the rivers have some light.”
“Which is to say, apart from the smell you wouldn’t have any idea what you’re stepping into right now.”
“And I wish for it to stay that way, so don’t you dare light up your horn.”
“For once I can actually agree with you, Celestia.”
“Well at any rate, you still haven’t told me what you are doing down here.”
“Hey, I asked first!”
“Easy there, Chryssi.”
“No, I want you to tell me first! And don’t call me Chryssi.”
“D’aww, you’re like a cute little changeling queen whose love-lollipop was taken away!”
“Hmph.”
“Well, if you really must insist so much. You see… I come down here from time to time to escape from reality, the cruel world that is above these gully covers.”
“Uh-huh.”
“I like to remind myself that Canterlot might be full of high-class snobs, but in the end they’re no different than your average country pony.”
“Sure.”
“This is the only place nopony—not even Luna—would suspect me at. I can be here all for myself and not– Oh look, there’s my lunch from yesterday!”
“You… you just recognized your lunch in the never ending stream of…”
“Well, that could be because I’m the only pony who likes to eat—”
“Stop it! This is disgusting on so many levels, Celestia!”
“What’s wrong with eating gold? It’s not my fault that after thousands of years we still haven’t managed to make that stuff digestible.”
“You eat gold?”
“Blame economical inflation. And that new mine. That happened to be in the castle. Right under Luna’s toilet.”
“I’m going to ignore the last part, if you don’t mind.”
“As you like.”
“So you send ponies to mine gold for you to eat?”
“What? No. But we have so much of this stuff that we don’t know where to put it. Just recently the third layer of gold was put around the very toilet above the mine.”
“They climb down into that mine using a toilet?!”
“It’s a really nice toilet! It would be hurt if it heard you say that!”
“Moving on! How can you be so sure that… ‘lunch’ there was from you?”
“Well, there’s definitely ‘more where that came from’, but I seem to be the only pony who likes to eat gold. That’s another reason why I come down here. Ponies just don’t have enough class these days.”
“A little hint, Princess: eating gold that was mined from out of a toilet is possibly the least classy thing I can imagine.”
“You said you would ignore the toilet part!”
“Oh right, sorry. To get back to the original topic: You come here because you want to escape from reality. A reality of pooping gold. Why do I feel like there’s more to that?”
“Gold is pretty.”
“Why would you go down here if you have infinite gold above?”
“No special reason, just because.”
“That’s it?”
“That’s it.”
“Huh, talk about anticlimactic.”
“Well, if you want drama…”
“Wha–”
“Queen Chrysalis, this is one of the grossest sewers in all of Equestria! Every single household in Canterlot plus the castle is connected with this tube system, and not everything the citizens flush down their toilet is from a biological thing. As you’ve probably learned by now.”
“…What was that about? Will the next thing you say be ‘I love the smell too. Especially the smell.’?”
“I was trying to add some drama.”
“Say one more word, Celestia, and I swear I’ll throw you into the river.”
“Charming. So what’s your side of the story?”
“I’m serious!”
“And so am I. Tell me, Chrysalis.”
“Urgh, well, I guess that’s better than talking about poop and gold and I don’t even know what. So what am I doing here? I guess there are many ways to put it, but in its simplest form: I am hiding away.”
“Hiding away.”
“After my defeat I could do nothing aside from disappear.”
“In a sewer.”
“Well, this seemed to be the only logical place to go after the wedding.”
“The wedding was two years ago.”
“Hey maybe I’ve got difficulties showing my face in the public!”
“How does that excuse voluntarily going down into the sewers?”
“I never said ‘voluntarily’, I said ‘logical’. All I can say is that Shining Armor and Cadance can aim really well with their magical energy lasery blasty thingy that shoots lovely stuffy.”
“Don’t put ‘Y’s at the end of random words! And don’t blame the rulers of the Crystal Empire for you being here!”
“No, that was definitely on purpose. I felt my trajectory changing as I was getting closer to the ground.”
“That could’ve been the wind!”
“I also saw the lid moving.”
“…Also the wind!”
“There was a big pink laser beam that sucked me right into where I am now.”
“Curse that evil wind!”
“There’s also a riddle I thought of: Shining and Cadance had me land where everything ends and starts again.”
“…”
“Makes sense, right? I thought of this riddle myself!”
“A place for peepee and caca to be cleared up is not something you make riddles of!”
“Eh, works for me.”
“So what, you wanted to plot your revenge from here?!”
“I already tried, but I realized blocking the pipe system until overpressure happens is too impractical.”
“…”
“And not only for the work it requires.”
“So you were behind that, Chrysalis!”
“I’m evil. Sometimes us villains have to try new things. And while it didn’t quite work out, the plan still had a name. Wanna hear it?”
“Please no…”
“Reverse Royal Flush!”
“It took us weeks to get everything cleaned up!”
“Well pardon me that my people abandoned me after the failure.”
“Some cleaners had no tools beside their own body!”
“Ah, good to know I couldn’t have helped anyway then. Our bodies can’t pick up liquids.”
“Some used their tongues!”
“…”
“…”
“I got to be honest with you, Celestia, I can’t tell you where this will end.”
Author's Note
Published on the 7th of May 2014, this story marks my one-year anniversary of FIMFiction! It acts as a metaphor for all the crimes I've committed over the past 365 days on this site. (And I'm sorry I wrote this, please don't hurt me.)
Onwards to another year of writing quality ~~shit~~ gold! Oh wait, uhm…
Story Three in my Dialogue-only Cycle:
Last Night, Pinkie Pie Exploded – My Perfect Gift for a Cellist – Let Me Tell You Where This Will End – Woohoo, We’re about to Crash – And Then Our House Went Boom
For more, check out the Group!
