The Crossroads

by Ex-Nihilos

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Pinkie Pie, Human, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash
Length: 40347

Ponyville has its very own Limbo filled with the ghosts of pony loving humans! Things don't go well.

At the heart of Ponyville lies a crossroads. Years ago, before the Friendship Express was established, the intersection would be the resting point for many a weary traveller. These wanderers would sit and stay a spell, peddling wares and exchanging news with the ponies of Ponyville. Though the railroad’s rise led to the fall of carriage-travel and no ponies needed use the Crossroads Station, it never fell into disuse. The new travellers who stopped there came from further afield and had much stranger tales to tell: those of their deaths.

Four humans and a pegasus suddenly appear at the Crossroads Station, joining its previous denizens as they try to escape from limbo and find a new unlife.

Limbo is a plane of existence that has existed in some form or another in most human cultures and many religions, in this instance, Ponyville. It is that dreaded place where souls sit and wait to be judged by their God or deities. It is here that several ponies must find their way to the own destinies, while dragons rained down from the sky.

The results of an extraordinary experiment where seven confused (and some inebriated or high) writers got together to write a story!

The Cast:
Lewdy and Memphis played by Ex-Nihilos
Abigail Miller played by Azore24
Haku played by Haku1013
Imperious played by Imperius
Loro played by DarrParrot
Chubs played by Periphery
Lucky Money played by Sixinthehood

(All rights of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic goes to hasbro and its rightful owners. All original characters as well belong to their creators.)

Published 2012-04-03 12:54:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-09-05 14:37:23 UTC

Chapter 1: New Arrivals!

Chapter 1: New Arrivals!

Before the railroad to Canterlot was built in Ponyville travelers on the road would always pass through what most dubbed the Crossroads. It was a spot near the center of town where the two main roads in and out of Ponyville intersected. It consisted of four wooden benches lined in a row against the sidewall of the Quills and Sofa shop. A short poplar tree, beside the building, was the only shade for the benches. The only way a pony could tell the spot was meant for carriages was the rather new looking sign with a picture of a carriage and the words: Carriage Stop, on it. It was a very bland landmark that was quickly forgotten by the town when the railroad was finished and ponies had an easier mode of locomotion.

Yet one day, nopony is quite sure when, ponies seemed to appear out of nowhere to sit upon these benches. Curious townsponies would ask these strangers who they were, though the answers given by most were vague, strange, and sometimes in another language. Always, though, these ponies said they were waiting. For what, most refused to elaborate.

Sometimes the Crossroads was crowded with ponies who quietly talked to one another but never to outsiders unless they were addressed first. Other times it would be empty, or only one pony would gloomily sit there.

It was such a day where only two visible ponies sat at the crossroads awaiting the carriage to their final destination. One, a tan Earth Pony with a dark auburn brown mane, sat against the Poplar tree, playing a tune upon his old acoustic guitar. The other, another Earth pony, had a lime green coat and dark blue mane and paced nervously in front of the benches while muttering incoherently to himself, much to the first’s annoyance.

The two had been there awhile, long enough for some Ponyville ponies to ask their names. They solemnly introduced themselves as Memphis the guitar player and Lewdy the miner (“Not minor damn it!”). Beyond that they wouldn’t speak to anypony but themselves. They simply waited, and hoped for something, or someone, to break the tension.

As if the universe could sense their boredom, a purple maned Earth pony appeared out of nowhere and called Lewdy a cunt, only to disappear yet again in a burst of speed and leaves. The two ponies continued on with their respective activities for a few seconds; they had long since become desensitized to his antics, but every so often the green pony with a blue mane would rise to the challenge. Lewdy looked up in search of the purple maned demon of an Earth pony that had tormented him for far too long. “It’s been fookin’ three years ya’ bastard! Three bloody years and you’re still doing that shtick,” he shouted at the emptiness where he thought the pony was. Grumbling he looked back to the ground, still keeping to his monotonous pace.

The green pony stopped his pacing suddenly and huffed an irritated sigh. “Whatever happened to death being quick, eh? I mean, it feels like an eternity we’ve been here. No, worse, we’ve been here for three years. I mean we can’t be as bad as that insane bloke... wherever he disappears to.”

“I think he’s in the Poplar tree,” Memphis mumbled as he hit another chord on the guitar resting in his lap, “and how ‘bout ya stop pacing? Yer annoying the hell out o’ me.”

“Aren’t ya the least bit annoyed? I mean it’s bad enough I died in, like, a fiery explosion with a metal pipe through my chest but now I’ve got to wait? At this rate I should ‘ave just stayed alive and dealt with this crap with the hospital.” Lewdy quipped back in his usual sarcastic tone.

“Sounds like someone knows where they’re a'headed...” Memphis muttered back.

“Damn straight I’m going to hell! And proud of it! I worked hard on those sins, okay not all of them. The underaged girl was a mistake but that wasn’t my fault.”

“Ah honestly don’t care.”

“Right right, you probably don’t want me to tell you how I shagged her both ways over like a rhinoceros on a gazelle-”

“Says the man who had the physique of an insect and the mentality of one too.”

“Oh that stings! That stings like the amount of shits I give! What’s that? Oh that would be a huge zero. Just look at all of the shits I give, they’re raining from the sky! Oh wait, it's a clear sky, how strange!”

Memphis merely shook his head and went back to playing upon his guitar,finally turning his chords into a song that he learned traveling pass the Mississippi delta.The song continued to play even when the unanticipated happened.

Tires protested on the ground as the brakes of what looked like a gold bar on wheels skidded to a halt in front of the stop. A door on the far end violently opened and a yellow Earth pony was flung out, monocle crashing to the ground while staying intact. The passenger door opened to reveal an outstretched hand curiously holding up the digit in the middle before slamming shut again and flying down the road.

“Well don’t ye expect any pay ya bloody wanka’!” The yellow pony stomped the ground once before falling falling flat on his muzzle. “What the bloody ‘ell is this?! I’m a friggin’ ‘orse! What is this, some sort of wee ones fantasy?”

The pony soon found the power to slowly turn himself to face his monocle while still laying on the ground. He looked up at the two ponies already at the Crossroads and his angered expression was replaced with one of pure confusion, helping to reveal the scar in the middle of his head. “And who the ‘ell are you lot,” demanded the Earth pony.

In the past three years Memphis and Lewdy have resided in the Crossroads, they’d seen many a pony arrive in the strangest of ways. Memphis first appeared on fire, while Lewdy fell from the sky with a pipe still in his chest. After the initial shocks it became a routine to see how others would land; it was a game of sorts to see what would happen next.

Solid gold limousine tossing out a pony and a human hand giving said pony the finger was not very high on the list but, amazingly, it had been on the list. Sadly the pony who made the bet had already passed on, being a Hindu he was judged to be reincarnated as a cow, ‘Lucky bastard,’ Lewdy had said.

Lewdy and Memphis shared a look at the sight of the mark between the pony’s forehead. Someone in the living apparently was a very good shot. Before either one could respond a resounding cry from the sky was heard. A new arrival so soon? That was unusual, even compared to the gold limo.

Lewdy stepped to the side, out of the shadow of the falling pony, and watched in mild interest as the massive Pegasus kissed the ground with his face at perhaps sixty miles per hour. Luckily for Lewdy, the pipe in his chest had broken his fall when he had attempted the same aerial maneuver.

With a mighty roar of “FFFFFFFUUUUUUU-” the titanic, golden armored pegasus crashed to the ground.

“Mage Moarfistin! Chaplain Mofo! Where the hell are you jackasses?” he demanded, getting to his feet. “Where the fuck am I?” he wondered aloud, taking in the surroundings. “Is this Ponyville? What the fuck am I doing in this princess-forsaken backwater?”

Turning to a local, he decided to make use of his vast diplomatic abilities to inquire as to how he arrived there after the method of his arrival.

“How the fuck did I get here, you little shit?”

The pony he addressed, rather than cowering, as he was accustomed to, seemingly ignored him and went about her own business.

“Hey! Fuckwit! I’m talking to you!” he yelled after her.

When the pony still didn’t respond the pegasus became rather confused. He didn’t like it, not one bit. Confusion led to doubt, which lead to becoming less angry, which led to idleness, which led to HERESY AGAINST THE PRINCESS.

Furious at the implications of possible heresy, the pegasus' fury grew to immeasurable levels.

“Somepony give me some fucking answers!” he roared at the town. Turning around, he saw the carriage crossing where two other ponies sat. They seemed to be the only ones in town noticing him. With them was a dazed, cross looking yellow earth pony. “What the fuck are you staring at?”

Memphis continued to play even as the usual tirade of confusion commenced; music sometimes helped the transition, he found. Usually the people who landed in Equestria find they’ve done so without initially realizing it; the strange pony with the cash mark and the large pegasus must have heard of this land somewhere to end up here. It was strange, but that’s how it worked from his understanding.

Both residents of the Crossroads let the pegasus vent a bit in his booming voice before they did anything. Memphis stopped playing and both he and Lewdy seemed to glare at the new arrivals.

“Nose goes,” Memphis said cooly as he touched his snout with his hoof.

“Nose- GAWD DAMN IT!” Lewdy shouted and spat on the ground. Clearing his throat he muttered a few curses to his companion who had gone back to playing,yet another solo. Lewdy sighed and looked at the two. Slowly he reached to his back he pulled out a worn out kazoo. “Well you two I don’t know any better way to put it so I’ll just come out and say it. You two done get deaded.” He then blew the horn and with a rather bored cheer he said slightly louder, “Congrats!”

“Basically, you mates died for whatever reason. Usually really painful. I’m Lewdy, by the way, death by impalement, and that bloke over there,” he gestured with his hoof to the tan pony with the messy auburn mane, ”is Memphis, death by incineration. There’s another asshole around here but I have no idea where he is, and I don’t care about him. Anyway think of this as Limbo. Uh let’s see how’d the speech go...,” waving his hoof around he recited some other being's words, ‘Your eternal souls shall rest here upon the cobbled road before you are judged by your God, or gods, and sent to heaven or hell.’ You could be here for a few days or up to about 600 years so I suggest getting comfortable.

“Oh and don’t bother trying to talk to the ponies passing by, they can’t hear us, but they can see us. If one comes up and talks to you first then they’ll hear you but beyond that we’re like ghosts whispering to each other and making sweet sweet pony love. Okay, maybe not that last part.

“So that’s it, any questions?” Lewdy asked as he sat down onto the bench and feigned a look of interest while Memphis finished playing the Pinocchio piece.

“The fuck do you mean “dead”?” the pegasus demanded. “Give me a straight fucking answer or I swear by the princess I’ll...” he reached behind his back, but to his dismay, found his thunder-wrench to be missing.

“What the fuck happened to my weapon? And where are my men? There’s no way we lost to a bunch of crossbred cat-bird assholes.”

Lewdy gave a harsh sigh to the guardspony, “Seriously mate? What part of ‘you are dead’ is the hard part. Honestly you should know more about that than I do. Interesting though... you hear that Memphis? He’s a native!”

Memphis nodded, “Mhm, I heard. Must have been special to get that request taken.”

“Well, I was going to say he must’ve paid some sexual favor, but that’s more likely,” Lewdy said with a cheeky nod and smile.

The other pony slowly attempted to pick himself up from his fallen state, he did not like to look like a fool in front of other peo- er, ponies. After successfully getting to a state of physical being in which he was propped on four legs he looked at his monocle and began to wonder, “‘ow the bloody ‘ell am I supposed to pick that up?”

The yellow pony with the cash mark looked around the stop to see the other pony who greeted them he put on his trademark poker face, “Did you say I am dead? What bloody nonsense is that? I was perfectly safe at the... public meeting, OH BLIMEY I WAS ASSASSINATED!” The cash-marked pony fell flat on his muzzle... again, and didn’t bother to pick himself up. His face turned into a mask of horror and self pity.

“Oh I bet it was Potatoes & co. They been after me trade secrets for years... but ye know ‘ow to get out! Ye ‘ave to know! ‘ow much for the information? Dosh is no object!” Lucky looked quite pathetic spread eagle with his belly on the ground, pleading for help from the pervert.

Watching the sprawled figure of the pony before his feet Lewdy frowned but then smiled. “Ah Potatoes and company! They made the best potatoes for fries, I miss those fries. But sorry to burst your very tiny bubble mate but you’re pretty much stuck here. The only way to leave the crossroads from what I’ve seen... well Memphis saw it and he told me, is that you have to be invited to leave by a pony who is still alive. So far that has not happened.

“And to screw with you even more Mr. Moneybags how about you check your person for that Dosh. Like the pegasus I highly doubt you came here with your personals on ya.... I still have no idea how Memphis got the guitar.”

“Guitars are easy to come by if'n ya know where to look,” the tan pony lounging under the tree replied.

“... What?” the pony took the chance to look at this side. No pants which meant no pockets which meant... NO WALLET! He craned his head back forward and stared at the sitting pony. His left eye twitched fiercely and his whole body trembled.

“No.... no money. I’M A POOR COMMONER?!” Most ponies would take the time to stand up and stomp the ground; this pony decided this was the time to somehow gain all motor control and begin spazzing about the site. All the while, frantically looking for anything holding monetary value. “Nonono, this can’t be! I am the executive of the biggest producer in all of Ireland! I ‘ave enough money to buy out every television show in the world! Even that cutesy little pony thing!”

Memphis’ ear twitched, “Did he say cutesy?”

“Quiet! I want to watch this!” Lewdy said while he watched the panicked pony with utter delight.

The Irish stallion began to calm down; it was a slow process and a lot of shrubbery was torn up in the heat of battle. He eventually settled to sit in a fetal position between the bench and trees, stroking his monocle and counting imaginary money. Once the show was done, Lewdy stood up and, with a serious look on his face, trotted over to the prone pony.

Giving the poor pony a pitiful smile he said, “Mate. Take my advice for just a moment.” Bowing down close to the pony’s ear, Lewdy screamed, “QUIT BEING A BITCH!”

The pony winced at the volume at which Lewdy spoke in his ear. His happy place dissipated and he was back in Limbo. He pushed his monocle onto his eye (causing more harm than intended) and pushed himself back up. He set his face into his cold indifference again.

“Lewdy...” Memphis muttered threateningly.

“Alright alright I’m done. But he tore up the shrubbery! That’s like the only bloody shade we have in this hell-hole. It’ll be weeks before we can flag down a gardener to fix that up!... even though it'll just fix itself again in a few seconds... but still it's the principle of the matter!”

“Well, if you’re all done bitching,” the pegasus said, glaring at the yellow pony. Returning his gaze to the ponies sitting at the crossing, he continued with his inquiry. “So I’m fucking dead then? How fucking wonderful. Now, I know for a fact that I took over a dozen of those xeno faggots with me. Where the fuck are they? And where the fuck are Mofo and Moarfistin?”

He took a moment to look around the town again; some of his men had been from this ass-backwards town and he recognized a few faces.

“And what the fuck was that about being a local? I’m from fucking Canterlot, not this princess damned hick town.”

“‘ow about ye try being turned into some girl’s fantasy pony after being used to two legs? Unless ye used to be like me before arriving ‘ere. I’ll say I’m better now, but that still doesn’t change that I’m penniless.” The yellow pony gave a quick look around, this time actually thinking instead of raving stark mad. Everything was colorful and vibrant, no washed up pavement and cold grey concrete.

“So ye say we can’t speak to any of these wee ponies? So what do ye propose we do? I’m not much other than a businessman... but I’m a damn good one!” He attempted to push his monocle back up incase it might fall, but that resulted in him almost losing his balance.

Lewdy glared at the two of them, “Look you sods are askin’ me like I got all the answers, big surprise! I do not. For some reason or another you got sent to Equestria to serve out your time in Limbo, or in rage face’s case he gets to stay in hick town for a bit until Death comes. So for now you two do what us two.. err three, whatever, have been doing for the last three-plus years: sitting on our asses and waiting for something interesting to happen before we get swept away to hell. Or heaven if you’re lucky enough.”

“So Ponyville is Limbo? Can’t say it surprises me,” the pegasus grumbled. He suddenly recalled a bit of information that was slightly less useless than everything else he’d been told thus far. “The Element bearers live here, and so does the princess’ student, that shit count for anything? We could probably flag down one of those fucks and ask them to get us out of this shit.”

“Well then, do these “Element bearers” own a business? Are they popular or have some sort of market that makes them stand out? If so then this will be easy, anyone with a business model understands the prospect of money... this place does use money right?” the yellow pony looked slightly worried at this, if this place didn’t use money, then he was next to useless. But if this place did in fact have an economy, then he might be able to hold some ground.

“No matter, I’ll just be resting under the tree until someone comes and gets us out of this hole.” He slowly trotted to the piece of nature he had destroyed moments before and sat as best as he could into a resting position... it wasn’t easy for a man used to two perfectly fine legs and not four blocks of fur.

“O’ by the way lads, mah name’s Dominique O’Reiley... guess I’ll go with something smaller like ‘Lucky Money’ while I’m here.”

“Domi- what? The fuck kinda retarded name is that? And what the fuck kind of self respecting pony doesn’t know about the Elements? Not that you look to be the type used to respect, of course. Just where in the fuck are you from?” the pegasus demanded, glaring at the earth pony.

“OY! Watch what ye be sayin’ you ‘alf wit! I don’t take kindly to low life commoners disgracin’ me family’s name! I’m from Ireland and I’m the most respectable man you would ever find there. If it weren’t for me, they wouldn’t be the top dog on the market today! Besides, what do I have to prove to a bunch of wee little ponies, I’m dead and you look like something out of a children’s play story.”

The pegasus snorted in anger, flaring his wings in indignant fury.

“Watch your tone with me, commoner!” he growled. “I’m Imperious Raeg, captain in Celestia’s royal guard and commander of the Canterlot 501st Angry Legion. I’ve been in more battlefield actions than you’ve eaten meals and killed more gryphons than you’ve met ponies! The princess herself selected my legion to lead the engagements in the northlands against the gryphons, when was the last time your heathen god ever looked upon you with favor?”

Raeg pawed the ground, anger abating. “Know who you address next time you open your trap, runt.”

“Celestia?! Gryphons? I truly am in some wee one’s dream. And bloody ‘ell man, do you not realize I’m not from ‘ere! This place is the equivalent of some fairy tale and death ‘as seen fit to leave me ‘ere like some sort of cruel joke. I’m not some commoner either who you can threaten, if you be looking for a fight you’ll find one.” Lucky snorted.

Raeg took a menacing step towards the petulant earth pony. “I certainly hope you enjoyed dying once, because by the God-Princess I swear the second time will be far less pleasant,” Raeg growled at Lucky.

One of Memphis’ ears twitched as it caught a sound from the air. He looked up and said loud enough to break the flow of the argument, “New arrival! Better step to the side there Cap.”

Chapter 2: Falling Cliché

Chapter 2: Getting a bit crowded

As suddenly as everyone else had appeared, so too did a brown colt high above the Crossroads. A loud poof, as it was heard above the crowds heads, followed by a loud, deafening scream. “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” screamed the colt before landing belly flop-style in front of everyone in the Crossroads. A moment passed in silence as their attention turned to the new pony. Slowly, the colt turned his body upwards, his chest, face, and neck covered in blood.

“Welp, Haku is now in horrible, blinding pain,” the colt stated calmly before clasping his face and screaming in pain again. “OH MY GOD! WHY?!” he screamed to the heavens above, “Why the frig does everything painful happen to Haku?!”

Before anyone could question the young colt, however, he passed out. It was at this time the others noted that he was a brown unicorn with a black, curly mane. Lewdy smiled nostalgically at the unconscious pony; with his hoof he patted the poor fellow on the head before turning to the others. Still smiling, he happily said, “This is great Memphis! We got the grump, the Irish Mob Boss, and an Asian! At this rate we might as well be starting a multi-cultural club.”

“Mhm,” Memphis said as he tuned his guitar, “What makes you think he’s Asian?”

“Because he speaks in the third person, I mean what other race of yellow people do that?”

“That’s wrong on so many levels.” The tan pony pointed out.

“Yet you don’t disagree!” Lewdy nodded to Lucky and Raeg and smiled mockingly, “Well looks like you two are going to be butt-buddies soon. Though, Captain Hernia, Irish Betty here‘s gotta point, we’re dead so that gives us about nothing in the level of respect. Oh I should probably mention Lucky that Raeg is a native here, we’re just guests. Like homeless people in the crawlspace we’re stuck in this tiny little spot hoping to get the homeowners attention, in this case the Elements of Harmony who have been kind enough to ignore us. Honestly though, that whole Discord incident happened not too long ago. So they’ve sorta been busy. Sooo... where does that put us Memphis?”

“Season two, probably near the middle of that one.” The guitarist pony replied.

“Wait so if there’s no three does that mean we cease to exist?” Lewdy said, cocking an eyebrow.

“Probably,” Memphis said with a shrug.

“....gnarly!”

Memphis gave a harsh sigh and muttered quietly, “This is going to be a long day. Death... please come take my soul away from that idiot.”

Raeg turned to address Lewdy. “And how do you know of the Arch-Enemy? Knowledge of him has been sequestered for thousands of years, nothing remains of him save bedtime stories and all information regarding the most recent incident never escaped Ponyville, I personally made sure of that.”

“And now I’m back!” the brown unicorn shouted to no one in particular as he suddenly jumped back to his hooves, interrupting the ongoing conversation. “Wait... something’s wrong,” the unicorn said quietly, “Did... did I just speak in first person?” He let out a loud gasp, “Haku did it again! Oh... oh well, with that disaster gone, can anyone tell Haku what is happening?”

The unicorn let out a loud sigh, rubbing his head. “I mean, I’m obviously dreaming, cuz the last thing I remember, I got hit on my head pretty bad with a fall, right after I got bit by that which is true evil. Then Haku fell down some stairs and... uh...” the unicorn, dubbed Haku, stammered, not even noticing that he had slipped back into the first person.

“You know what? Never mind. Haku is a pony now, so Haku is not complaining. Haku loves these pony dreams of his. Now, YOU PEOPLE!” he shouted back tot the group, “Where are my dancing tubas?” The group could only stare at the colt, who went wide-eyed in a second.

“Wait, Haku feels a disturbance in the force...”

With a smallish pop, a unicorn mare appeared floating in the air. Gravity seemed not to notice the blue pony, her black mane flowing unkempt as if unrestrained, even by the air. Her body also seemed distended somehow, her eyes bulged and everything else just being puffier than even a pony should be. The universe, though, quickly took notice of the new arrival and placed some level of physical law enforcement on her. She regained proper proportions remarkably quickly and began to fall, remarkably quicker.

Abigail felt herself falling, seeing that strange cartoon, which her cousin made her watch, upside down. It was curious that it should be the wrong way, but her brain probably stopped imagining things correctly about when she ran out of oxygen. She blinked once before hitting the ground with a painful jolt to her head. It was more painful that she was expecting, given the whole ‘dead’ thing, but, then, she had never died before and she still wasn’t functioning with enough air to think this whole death thing through. The impact did force her back to the world of the living enough to sharply intake breath, the feeling of her insides quickly becoming wonderfully oxygenated again came along with the pain of hitting the ground.

As she continued to breath, Abigail tried to sit up, but found herself unable. Something was keeping her head stuck in the ground. She couldn’t imagine what it would be, so she got up on all four of her hooves and pushed as hard as she could, eventually freeing whatever it was that seemed to now be part of her head. Wait... hooves? That seemed wrong somehow.

Looking around, she saw a number of brightly colored ponies standing around. “What... exactly is going on,” she asked with some of the proper confusion and worry barely starting to creep into her voice.

Lucky looked at the mare who just fell. “Bugger if I know miss, but the odd one o’er there on the bench said this place was Limbo... we’re probably going to be stuck for awhile.”

Lucky stuck out a hoof, almost falling flat on his muzzle again. He turned on his practiced pleasant smile he would use when speaking to the public. “Name’s Dominique O’Reiley where I’m from... though ‘Lucky Money’ seems to be a better title here. I hail from Ireland, please tell me you were a person before ye demise.”

Raeg regarded the two new arrivals with an unfavorable glare. “And of course, more deceitful unicorns. You should consider yourselves lucky that holy Celestia is so tolerant of your treacherous kind and that I was sent here without my thunder-wrench.”

Lewdy’s eyes darted around at the sudden influx of ponies the crossroads currently had. It was unheard of to have two arrivals in the span of a few minutes but four in just under half an hour? Either a massacre just happened or the planets have aligned themselves in such a way that the impossible became possible and dogs and cats were currently making love to one another somewhere on the distant world of Yogath-Morra.

A very eerie smile suddenly grew upon his lips, threatening to split his face in two. A unicorn who talked in third person and a mare! Probably the most interesting thing to happen since that bug invaded the Crossroads with its extremely loud moth wings. “Oh my God this is wonderful! I haven’t been this happy in the Crossroads since that schoolbus of children exploded and half of them ended up here. Mostly intact. Mostly.” He then proceeded to try and butt Lucky Money out of the way to be in front of the newest arrival, “And a mare too! I’m Lewdy by the way because I knew you were wondering. Oh and also you died. Sorry about that, but hey at least you’re not... horribly maimed?”

At that the drifter decided it was his turn to take charge of the situation. Memphis groaned and put his guitar down against the tree. With ease he flipped himself off his back and was on his hooves in an instant. “You can stop makin' a fool of yerself there Lewdy, ah think yer done makin' things worse.”

Lewdy shook his head quickly, “Worse?! No I make things better! But fine Memphis you hick, see if you can do better.” Jumping onto one of the benches, the blue-maned pony tried his best to lounge back with his back hooves crossed.

Memphis looked at him with a mixture of loathing and boredom. Turning to regard them all he spoke slowly and deliberately, “Alright yer all pretty confused right about now but as my... what ever the hell Lewdy is... said we’re all dead. Now then, Captain, it would be too long to explain at the moment about who we are-”

“Well you could just say we’re hairless apes from another dimension who think he’s make believe.” Lewdy chimed in.

“Quiet. But in regards to Discord we saw the whole thing happen-”

“Front row tickets free of charge!”

“We were still dead at the time so we were just ghosts through that whole event. That’s pretty much all we have to say about that. So then, every... pony... take a deep breath and gather your thoughts before you go shouting at once. Keep calm, sit down if you need to, I don’t care. Just don’t explode just yet. I don’t want to draw Death’s attention just yet; she gets annoyed pretty easily.”

“Whoa whoa whoa!” Shouted the brown unicorn, waving his hooves around in the air. “Did you just say we’re dead? Like ‘dead-dead?’” Haku stared at the ground for a moment. If this was true... then... oh god...

“So if I’m... dead... then what about Haku’s family?”

“All not dead,” the pony named Lucky said. Haku could only glare at the Irish sounding pony. “Ok, you know what? Haku is cool with this,” Haku stated, “Haku is... very cool with this. At least Haku still has Haku’s health.” Everyone could do nothing but give themselves a good ol’ facehoof.

“Haku has but one question left.”

“Yeah?” Lewdy asked.

“You said we shouldn’t explode... does this mean we CAN explode?”

The pony - Haku could only guess it was this Memphis person, as Haku wasn’t really paying attention when names were given - spoke next. “Yeah, Ah suppose ya can explode, but I’d rather ya didn’t try to. We don’t need Death raisin’ Cain about us.”

“Hmmm,” Haku hmm’d, “Can we explode twice?”

“No.” Memphis deadpanned.

Haku let out a depressed sigh at this. “Le sigh,” Haku said as he let out a very audible sigh. “Ok then... moving on.” Haku turned away from Memphis and stared at the rest of the group. “Does anyone know who I am? Cuz I really want to get that out the way.” Haku was, as expected, given a school of ‘No. Nope. Nuh uh. Never ‘eard ol’ ya. Fuck you.’

Haku once again let out a sigh. This was going to take a while. “Ok, cuz you see, Haku is a big deal.”

“No.” Memphis said lazily.

“But-”

“No, no background stories.”

“Why?” Haku asked.

Memphis let out a chuckle as he answered, “because no one cares.”

Abigail cracked her neck, still feeling a bit weird from dying. Nope, she still wasn’t totally hit by the enormity of that fact. It was a pit in her stomach, which felt to be in the wrong place for her new body that she apparently had, that would probably stay there for a while longer. Hopefully. On the other hand, she’d died pretty contented with her lot. Turning to the yellow… horse... pony... thing... Dominique. Yes, Dominique would work. It grounded her to Earth.

Turning to Dominique, she responded, “I’m from New York, though I’ve been living near Cape Canaveral for the last while. Died in space, actually. We were doing the final tests on our new space cruiser when it took a hit from some junk. I think I’m still not over the beauty of the sun cresting over Earth...” she trailed off for a moment before continuing. “Anyway, I’m Abigail Miller.” A bit more worry started to take hold of Abigail as she stood up. It wasn’t so hard to do on four limbs, though she was sure walking would be hard. And then there was that crazy pony ... pegasus? It had wings, though there was no way it could fly on them. On the other hand, she’d died. So there was no telling... He was shouting what she assumed were racial slurs at her. And then there was the creeper.

Abigail was used to sexually frustrated, socially inept guys coming on to her. She was an electrical engineering major with a Comp-Sci minor at MIT. A 4-1 male-female ratio was normal, and so attention would usually turn her way. Most guys weren’t so useless, but every now and then there was one. Eternity wouldn’t be that great with one of those around, but she would deal.

“So wait, does that mean that everyone in this town is dead? It does seem like a weird sort of afterlife to be in a baby’s cartoon. At least there’s a large community of people to be with, so it won’t be that bad... right?” Abigail was starting to get past her calm and into panic. Plus, apparently she had a horn in addition to hooves. If only she could remember what made unicorns special in that show; now she wished she watched more of it.

Lewdy’s eyebrows raised and a devilish smile crossed his lips, “You know when you said baby’s cartoon all I could think about was you and me making some-”

A swift back kick from Memphis to the pony’s nether regions turned the dirty remark into a sharp, pained shout. Memphis smiled happily as Lewdy toppled over onto the ground clutching his injured region in agony.

He turned back to Abigail, “First it’s a pleasure to meet ya, Ms. Miller, you as well Haku. Name’s Boone but y’all can just call me Memphis, death by incineration in that city. The one currently writhing on the ground there is Lewdy, death by impalement. To answer your question: no this whole town is quite alive. Ah’ve been here for four years and have shared some thoughts with others who’ve passed through. This crossroads is just a spot where souls like us wait until we pass on. Why this spot specific? Not a clue. Why in this town? Because in some way it held some special significance fer ya. When ah died ah had a thought about missing Equestria and here ah am, ya’ll be too for a while but ah can’t say how long.”

That they were the only ones dead in the town was somewhat disconcerting. Did that mean that the cartoon was actually about a real place where people lived? Perhaps it could mean that Abigail was just having an extended delusion before she actually died, but that line of thought led to madness and wasn’t a very helpful one. She’d just go with this being some strange afterlife type thing.

“Well, if we have a whole town around us to enjoy an afterlife in, then it surely won’t be so bad,” Abigail’s voice wavered, nearly cracking by the end of her statement which rose to the inflection of a question. “Perhaps I will go take a stroll through town to get to know my new surroundings,” she said, slowly gaining confidence in her idea as the sentence went on. Really, she just wanted to think things through for a bit. It would be hard to do with all the other... people here talking about stuff. She could ask more about their situation later, but for now the pit in her stomach had become more akin to a boulder.

Then, with a rush of, well, Abigail didn’t exactly want to think about what it was, another person appeared.

As the gathered ponies shared the stories of their lives and deaths, a quiet churning sound began to form in the background, initially too subtle to draw any attention. As moments passed, it grew into a rumbling vibration that became harder and harder to ignore. Two by two, all eyes turned in the direction of the sound’s apparent origin, yet were unable to see anything that could be creating what was quickly becoming a dull roar. Upon reaching a fairly troubling volume, the source of the noise finally made itself known as a geyser of frothing liquid burst into the scene, somehow originating from a discarded disposable cup lying on the ground.

As the wave of liquid gushed forth, the leading edge disappeared impossibly into the dirt just before the watching ponies, while a scent reminiscent of bacon filled the air. The flow continued uninterrupted for a minute or two as the accumulated grease of a lifetime of meaty indulgence ran its course.

As the oily river trickled to a halt, a slick, yet solid form revealed itself on the ground. As the remaining fat melted away, the shape clarified into that of a rather bulky male earth pony. Lifting his head, he hacked up an impressively large sausage onto the ground, then took a few deep breaths, his eyes never breaking contact with the chunk of meat in front of him. Twisting the front half of his body upright with his forelegs, the pony reached his head downward, grabbed the sausage in his mouth, and quickly chomped it down, licking his lips in satisfaction afterward.

Suddenly becoming aware of his surroundings, he turned his gaze upward. Glancing at the assortment of colorful ponies staring back at him, he had but one critical question: "So what else we got to eat around here?"

Chapter 3: Ghostly encounters

Chapter 3: Ghostly Encounters

For once, Memphis was dumbfounded by this newest arrival, especially by the means he arrived. Grease geyser, that was a new one, and the pony himself who landed seemed perfect for the trip considering his weight and the fact that he promptly ate the thing that killed him in the first place.

Lewdy’s response though was to roll on the ground in a massive fit of laughter, while still clutching his crotch for protection and comfort. “Death by sausage! I love it! Oh we have a complete set now! Oh I got one! Memphis, throw a pokeball at him, I’ve always wanted to capture a Snorlax!” Lewdy’s laugh reached a crescendo over his own joke and promptly he rolled under one of the benches to hold his aching stomach.

Memphis shook his head both at the scene and Lewdy’s antics. Looking to Lucky Money he said in his usual quiet and gruff manner, “Ya mind gettin’ this one up to speed? Ah’ve had enough of these shenanigans for one day.”

Lucky looked up from his sitting spot to Memphis. “Aye laddy, I’ll give it a whirl.”

Lucky began to set himself up into a standing position, still as hard as ever for the newly formed pony. After making sure everything was properly placed and his weight was evenly distributed Lucky turned to the new arrival... he guessed it to be a pony, even though it resembled play-dough much better. He made sure his trademark smile was fit on his face and his monocle was snug in front of his eye before he sprang into a greeting.

“Welcome, lad, to this little spot that we like to call ‘Limbo’. Now as you already discerned, you are dead. No need to fret though, it seems that ye moment to pass on will come. Although it may take you awhile to arrive in either paradise or damnation, ye can still spend your time with us who also arrived like you... although that may be more of a curse than a pleasantry. A fair couple of warnings to ya though; one thing is that nopony that is alive can hear you unless they address you first, and second is that apparently if ya wander too far from the site you’ll just end up re-appearing here. No one is stopping you from moving about, but at the moment I suggest you just hang around and ask me if you need anything.”

Lucky stood still and looked to the pony in case he had questions, he may be dead but manners still were vital if he was to keep his image. Although he may have killed the chance to look civilized among the ponies he first met, these new ones looked like the type he could associate with. He readjusted his monocle one more time before letting it rest in his eye socket, funny thing that it still fit even after he had been transformed.

Lucky had come to terms with his death, he practically threw out all the bad emotions when he snapped and practically tore up the site. Now it felt more like a fact that he could deal with and move on. He did wonder what would become of his company though, worst case scenario was the stock would crash and the company would practically dissolve. All assets going to the higher end ‘bigwigs’ and all the grunts getting the butt end of the stick. Thankfully his lawyer had warned him of premature death and made him come up with a will; most everything he owned went to family and business partners... yet a surprising chunk went to the lawyer; he still wanted to slap him. He made sure to leave his driver nothing, practically one of the best choices he ever made in his life.

If anything though, Lucky planned to get somepony’s attention and get to the nearest city. Once there he planned he would start up a business... ponies need potatoes right?

Abigail regarded the new arrival uneasily as Lucky spoke. The pony was overweight and covered in grease. He had coughed up a sausage and proceeded to eat it. It was possibly the most disgusting thing she’d seen in her life. “And now, I have to go find a nice secluded place to meet my lunch for the second time in two hours,” she said under her breath as she gagged a little. The blue mare shook her head at the sight and unsteadily started on her way towards what looked like the town center.

Seeing the mare start to walk away caused Memphis to turn his attention to her, “Well I understand but just so you know we’re basically ghosts here. Nopony can hear us but they can sort of see us, they’ll have to talk to your first before you talk to them and you’ll start to fade away if you’re away from this crossroads for too long, you’ll basically end up back here. One of the rules I guess, we can’t officially leave until the living come to see us.”

“So, if I start walking away from here I’ll eventually fade out from wherever and take my next step back into this waiting area? Well, I guess a brief respite is better than nothing...” Abigail began to slowly make her way towards what looked to be the town center. Well, she headed towards where there were more other ponies, anyway. Perhaps one would bespeak her and she could wander longer. She certainly would have liked to talk to the natives, but that wasn’t on her mind as she set out.

After watching the blue pony walk away (she reminded him of a big walking Slurpee), Chubs rolled himself upright the rest of the way and settled into a sitting position. Refocusing on the remaining ponies, a flash of recognition crossed his face. “Hey, you guys look like those toys from the Happy Meals.”

Slowly, Lewdy recovered from his laughter thanks to the bodily reflex of needing oxygen in his lungs and the cramp in his side that felt like a not-insignificant gunshot wound. Wiping tears from his eyes he slowly tried to speak, “alright... okay I’m alright... oh mate that was a good laugh. Don’t say anything now, please I’m begging you I can’t take anymore laughter. Okay now I’m calm. Let me just say that you should probably take a good look at yourself before you go calling us Happy Meal toys just yet. Oh god here I go again, Happy Meals! First thing he says too!” The raunchy pony couldn’t talk anymore and fell back into a fit of hysterical laughter.

Looking away from the cackling pony, Chubs took a quick survey of his own body. Underneath the traces of remaining grease, he appeared to be covered with a short coat of fuzz, in a bland grayish color. “Huh. That’s new.” Lifting one of his legs off the ground, he gave it a deep sniff, followed by a lick. “I still taste like bacon, though.” Continuing his inspection, he noted that his hair was a buttery yellow color, accompanied by a tail of the same color. A picture of a jelly donut decorated both of his flanks, and his stomach sagged nearly to the ground he sat on. “Still fat too.”

Looking back to the laughing pony, he spoke mostly to himself, “Something about being dead, huh? Figures. Mom always said I was gonna eat myself to death one day. Never could stand to disappoint her.” He shrugged as best he could with his new body, and resumed licking the grease off himself.

Lucky Money looked over the fat pony... he was sucking his hoof. “Oooohkaaay laddy, I can see ye are pretty content where ye are so I’m just gonna... go over... there.” Lucky dashed off in no real direction, but certainly in one that went distinctly away from the obese pony.

For Ponyville it was another average day. Ponies went about their business oblivious to the new arrivals to the carriage crossing stop. To them it was just another crowd of strange ponies idling about. Something about their appearance just made them blend into the surroundings, as if the ponies were barely there.

Nopony seemed to notice when one of them broke away, a blue mare with a look of sadness about her. As she walked away from the crossroads, it seemed to the average pony that she wasn’t entirely there. She was solid and apparent but something about her presence seemed shadowy at best. No merchant or citizen paid her any heed.

Save for one.

Abigail slowly fell into the rhythm that her new body walked with; it seemed hard-wired into her body. So, she was dead now. It still didn’t seem real, but it had to be. She could remember every second of the disaster in orbit and knew there was no way she could have survived. Even now, Abigail had a hard time remembering the fear, as though something (maybe her mind, or maybe something to do with this limbo place) dulled such emotions. Her parents would be sad, of course, but she couldn’t help that, and they knew she died fulfilling a lifelong dream. She did have a boyfriend on Earth, but they had just started seeing each other, so he’d probably get over it. Basically, she didn’t feel many regrets about her time on Earth, and the fact that there was some sort of afterlife was actually quite exciting.

As Abigail walked through town, she was still morose, even with her current, positive chain of thought. Because her head was held low, she noticed her reflection in a puddle. She hadn’t thought about her appearance, except that she had weird new limbs and a horn. The first things Abigail noticed were her eyes. They were enormous, taking up half of her face, at least. They also were a striking shade of red, which seemed designed to contrast well with her, well, coat, she supposed, which was deep blue (though somehow still what anyone would safely call a pastel). Her hair, no, mane, was black, though this wasn’t so much of a change from her old body. One new addition she’d not even noticed until she began to look herself over was the tail she now sported. It was black, to match her mane. As she looked with a bemused expression at the appendage, she saw that her hip - flank - was colored differently. It was a picture, clearly one of the corona of a star peeking out from behind a planet.

Seeing the picture reminded her of the show. It was her cutesy mark, or something like that, and represented her special talent. Well, it seemed that her special talent was dying in space; she gave herself a sarcastic chuckle over that, which helped to lift her spirits a bit. It was more likely that her ‘talent’ had to do with space, or specifically, helping to build spacecraft. It was a pretty image, anyway, and the stylized version of the diamond ring effect blended well with her coat.

Thinking of the show had reminded her that unicorns, such as herself apparently, were magic users. How in the blazes was she supposed to cast magic? Abigail mused over the new distraction of a problem as she continued to wander through the town of Ponyville.

Twilight Sparkle, meanwhile, trotted down the road that led back to her tree library, on her way back from Sweet Apple Acres. Her saddlebags were laden with apple pastries and she had a skip to her step. The day was bright and sunny, happy faces greeted her at each turn, and she couldn’t help but hum a song to herself. Everything seemed perfect. No impending disaster to be seen and everything peaceful. It seemed nothing could put a damper on her mood.

With her eyes closed she didn’t see that she was about to bump into a distraught and fading pony. Just before she collided with the mare she managed to jump back, “Oh!” she exclaimed. “Oh I’m sorry I wasn’t...” her voice trailed off as she took a better look at the mare before her. She didn’t react to being nearly run over by the lavender unicorn. Frowning she reached a hoof out to the pony before her.

The change was instant. The pony’s coat became vibrant again as she perked up. Twilight spoke again, “Excuse me but are you alright?”

Abigail’s ears perked up at the other mare’s question. Literally, they physically perked up. As in they lifted up into the air. Being a pony was really weird. Abigail brushed away her momentary confusion over the state of her ears to look at the mare. She could somehow tell that this mare was a fully living being. Her question brought Abigail to life, invigorating her entire being.

“Oh, um... I’m not entirely sure if I am or not,” responded Abigail. The other pony looked at her with a mix of confusion and concern, so Abigail continued. “What I mean is, and please don’t think me crazy when I say this, I just suddenly appeared here. Not at this very spot, but in this world. More than that, I’d died floating a few hundred kilometers above my planet. I wasn’t even a pony before I came here.” Abigail was on the verge of ranting. It felt good to tell someone about her predicament, even if they’d never even met before. On the other hand, Memphis had said that a chance to actually speak to a member of the living was rare, and this particular one had grown somewhat perturbed by the tale. Abigail would need to calm herself down and seem more reasoned to get through to the mare, so she took a deep breath and continued in a more controlled manner.

“Ok, look, when you saw me, did I look different from the other ponies?” The purple mare, a unicorn it appeared, nodded.

“You were sort of muted. Not like my friends and I were when Discord affected us, it was more like you were barely there.” The purple mare stopped for a moment and then continued, “But you did get more vivid when I talked to you!” She was at least willing to hear Abigail out, which was great news for the ponified dead girl.

“See, so there clearly is something to my story. I don’t want to be a bother, but you seem willing to help us, and intelligent enough to do so. If you wouldn’t mind, would you come with me to the old carriage station? I’ll explain everything I know on the way there.”

Twilight hesitated; Abigail (such a strange name for a pony, sort of like Pinkie’s full name, yet somehow stranger still) was clearly troubled, and she seemed to be telling the truth, or at least believed that she was. Still, Twilight was scheduled to reorganize her lab today after a thirty minute lunch break with Spike. She knew she had to help if the mare really was in trouble, but what if she was just a crazy pony? Twilight’s whole month would be thrown off, besides, no one had ever seen a ghost from another dimension in anything Twilight had read before. How could something like that go unnoticed throughout all of pony history?

Abigail noticed Twilight’s conflicted expression, these ponies were terrible at hiding emotions, it seemed. Abigail knew that she had to convince Twilight now. Who knew, if Twilight left and let Abigail fade away again, she might even forget that she’d ever met Abigail. For her part, Abigail knew that eternity was a long time to spend in the small, long forgotten pitstop with a bunch of crazy ex-humans.

“Please,” Abigail asked, her voice heading quickly towards quivering, “I was lucky that you noticed me at all. You yourself said it was almost like I wasn’t there, what if next time I head out wandering no one at all notices me? What if all of us at the station are stuck there forever? Look, if you find that I’m wrong or lying or anything else, I will help you do whatever you need done. Chores, work, whatever. Please...”

Twilight realized that she was being silly. Abigail was in trouble, and even if no one knew about whatever it was that was going on, Twilight had learned that strange things happen that neither science nor magic could explain, so what was one more gap in the knowledge of ponykind? (at this thought, Twilight’s right eye and ear twitched a little)

The pair headed off towards the station as Abigail filled Twilight in on what she knew about what had happened to her. About three minutes into the conversation, Twilight was already cutting Abigail off every three words with baker’s dozens of questions. ‘Yes,’ thought Abigail, ‘I found the right pony to help us if any can in all of, oh what was it, Equestria! Yes, in all of Equestria.’

Chapter 4: Die Again

Chapter 4: Die Again

Memphis was back to sitting against the treestrumming on his guitar again while Lewdy was still trying to recover from laughing. It didn’t help that every time he looked at the greasy pony or Captain Raeg he nearly burst into fits of violent laughter again. This was the norm for the two of them in their three years with little interaction from the outside world besides a short conversation between Memphis and Lyra Heartstrings on how he was able to play the guitar with merely the edge of his hooves, she promptly forgot about his existence, one of the only times Memphis was saddened during his stay at the Crossroads. He never did give a straight answer as neither were very open in mentioning they were dead.

Same couldn’t be said to new arrivals, the novelty of death hadn’t worn off yet.

Yet somehow one of them in their wandering had attracted the attention on none other than Twilight Sparkle. It was one thing to get her attention, but to bring her back and get her to see all of them? This was a miracle.

Twilight followed the odd blue unicorn back to the carriage crossing more out of curiosity than any real belief in the her story; it wasn’t very far away and the trip was short. By the time the station was in sight, Twilight was caught up as far as Abigail could bring her, and had a few bits of information on the human’s world. She seemed particularly interested in space travel, though Abigail had likely played a part in that, having lead the conversation in that direction by habit.

Like the mare had said, there were indeed more ponies, but strange looking ponies always frequented this part of town. There were six other ponies there, though it was a little more animated than the usual groups of somber looking ponies. There was the guitar playing one and his friend that always seemed to be there, but a few others had shown up. There was a yellow earth pony with a green mane wearing a monocle, a rather portly grey earth pony that seemed to be covered in grease, a brown unicorn with a black mane, and then there was...

Twilight stared at the last one, the pony was a massive yellow pegasus with a red mane and tail, covered head to hoof in golden yellow guardspony armor. He was sitting a little ways away from the others and looking rather subdued. She recognised him immediately.

“Captain Imperious, is that you?” she asked.

The guardspony turned his head and after a moment she saw recognition cross his face. He stood up and trotted over to where she and the blue unicorn stood.

“Twilight Sparkle?” he said. “Right, right, you live here.”

Twilight looked at him strangely. This wasn’t like the guardspony she remembered, he wasn’t nearly angry enough.

“What brings you to Ponyville?” she asked. Suddenly she perked up. “If you’re back does that mean the campaign in the northlands is over? And if you’re here that must mean Patriarch and Heavy Hoofed are here! Where are they?”

Raeg looked at the unicorn practically hopping with excitement.

“They’re...” he trailed off as a memory drudged itself up, unbidden.

A unicorn. A beam of boiling hate lanced from his horn, searing feathers and fur from gryphons. Dozens were incinerated before a barrage of arrows brought the furious unicorn down. Unable to contain the unstable magical energy anymore his body erupted, bathing countless more in his corrosive fury.

“They’re not...”

An earth pony. From his mouth poured catechisms of hate that turned away weapons and softened blows like no armor could hope to. His golden icon of Celestia was stained red with blood as he used it to brutally maul any that dared approach. He was dragged down in a furious dogpile from which none arose.

Raeg shook his head to scatter the images.

“They’re dead.” he said flatly.

Twilight’s face fell. “What?”

“They’re dead. Along with the rest of the 501st. Everypony’s dead.”

Twilight couldn’t think of anything to say. Well, maybe one thing. “But you lived?”

Raeg snorted. “Apparently not. Apparently your town is some kind of purgatory. Congratulations. Now I’m stuck here with these jackasses.” he said, gesturing to the assortment of ponies standing about the crossing.

Twilight turned to the blue unicorn to her side. “Well I guess you really aren’t crazy after all.”

The unicorn merely shrugged in response.

“I lost the wrench you gave me in the battle. Sorry.”

Twilight turned back to look at Raeg. “Oh, that’s... that’s alright. I’m so sorry about your men.”

The pegasus shrugged and spoke with an eloquence she had never heard from him. “It was our fate. We lived for war, we died for peace. Equestria is safe and now they can rest.”

Lucky Money joined the group of three ponies, which included a purple unicorn he hadn’t seen appear, Abigail, and Captain ‘eat your face’. “‘ello again Abagail didn’t see you run off after the other pony bumped me... ‘ello, who is this?” Lucky saw the purple pony next to Abigail, she had a coat of purple fur and black hair with purple streaks. She was a unicorn and had some spark looking things for a cutie mark.

“Welcome miss, to our little state of Limbo. I assume the captain here ‘as already introduced ya to the current state of affairs?

Twilight looked at the yellow pony and became more confused. “Limbo? Are you telling me you’re dead like the captain and this pony?” She gestured to the Raeg and Abigail, respectively. Lucky kept his smile up, yet he felt odd about this new pony. She looked and felt alive compared to himself and the others. It was also confusing that she didn’t put herself into the ‘dead’ category.

“Well... aye, but aren’t ya dead too? If ye were alive that’d mean...” Lucky trailed off as he realized he was talking to a living pony... his monocle fell off its perch.

Twilight shook her head, still confused but starting to get the idea. “Well yes of course I’m alive, I was walking along the road when I met this pony,” she turned to the blue unicorn. “Abigail was it?”

Lucky didn’t give her the chance to hear an answer. “Oh thank ye lass! Without ya I would be stuck ‘ere with this lot! Now I can get out of this ‘ole!”

Lewdy and Memphis were both up on their hooves immediately at the sound of her voice. They watched in awe as Captain Raeg spoke to her. The two seemed to know one another, which would only help Twilight help them.

“No... damn way,” Memphis muttered, his brown eyes showing the clear surprise at this turn of events.

“How the hell did you get one of the manes to see you?!” Lewdy shouted, surging forward next to Lucky Money. “For the love of God, Celestia, and Satan pay no attention to this man- pony- thing! BRING US FOOD! I haven’t had actual food in THREE YEARS. No wait, scratch that! Get Pinkie Pie here!”

“Lewdy that idea isn’t going to-” Memphis cautioned but was cut off.

“Shut it! This is our first interaction with the living in months!” Lewdy shouted, the excitement in his teal eyes bordering on manic.

“Now everypony hold on a moment!” the lavender unicorn cried out. “Let me get this straight. You’re... all ghosts? As in all you ponies... died and are haunting this place? Well how can I see you? I mean that isn’t possible. That shouldn’t be possible!”

Lewdy’s eye twitched as his head spun towards Abigail and then to Raeg, “You dipshits told her we were dead?! Damn it can no one keep a tiny little secret like being dead.... well a secret!?” The pony’s ability to form words fled his mind, leaving him sputtering out grumbles, growls, and curses.

Memphis took this moment to shove Lewdy out of the way, “Yes Ms. Sparkle it’s true. The ponies here are all dead. Suffice to say we’re here in Limbo, limbo bein’ this old carriage crossin’.”

“THIS SUCKS!” Lewdy suddenly screamed and started smashing his head against the Poplar tree.

Memphis ignored the fool and watched to see what Twilight would say. The lavender unicorn seemed bewildered, looking around at them. She took an extra long moment to furtively look at the scar in between Lucky Money’s eyes before moving on. “But I know you! You’re that pony that’s always sitting here playing that guitar. You’ve been here for over a year now, you and that other pony who’s always pacing around.”

“Three years to be exact Ms. Sparkle, we’ve been dead for three years waitin’ to be judged. Think carefully, did you see us leave at any time? We were always here and out of the way?”

“Yes but I didn’t think much of it...” the Librarian returned.

“Exactly, that’s the same for every pony. I’m just glad somepony finally got your attention to our plight but I think it best we keep this to ourselves for the time being. I’m not sure what would happen if everypony here realized they had a regular limbo going on here.”

“I... see what you mean,” Twilight said, “but how do I help you? I mean if you’re all dead shouldn’t you be moving on instead of waiting here?”

“We would if we could! No scratch that, others would if they could!” Lewdy shouted. Turning around he jutted a hoof towards Twilight, “Look, if you want to help us out here then get Pinkie Pie to come here and invite us to a Welcome to Ponyville Party. We just need a clear invitation to go and we can LEAVE.” Lewdy pleaded with her.

“Lewdy that isn’t going to work.” Memphis said sadly.

“Shut up,” the green pony harshly whispered, “I’m not about to resign myself to going to Hell just yet.” Turning back to Twilight he thought quickly, “Look if you help us out Twilight we’ll... I don’t know we’ll give you the secret to Life if you want, say hi to a long dead relative, or maybe put in a good word to Starswirl the Bearded for you! We just need Pinkie Pie to say the words!”

“What? I don’t understand, what does this have to do with Pinkie Pie? What am I even doing talking to a bunch of ghosts? Or supposed ghosts. Or Limbo dwellers. I don’t even know what to call you all! This shouldn’t be possible!” the lavender unicorn frantically said, trying reason out the current situation.

“How did you all even get here?!” she cried out.

Raeg glanced around the crossing.

“I couldn’t tell you. I was supposed to go... somewhere else. This-” his eyes widened. “This is a trick!” he yelled. “This isn’t really happening! You bastard, come out where I can see you!” he yelled to the sky.

The other ponies looked at him strangely.

“Captain? Are you alright?” Twilight asked

“Yeah, can you shout any louder there, crazy?” Lewdy asked.

Raeg whirled on him. “It’s probably you, isn’t it? You and your snarkiness, it’s fucking you! I know it is!”

Lewdy backed away from the enraged pegasus. “Whoa there, boyo, we’re all friends here, eh?”

“Hey, take it easy there, Cap’n.” Memphis said. “ah get that bein’ dead sucks, but taking it out on Lewdy won’t help you. It’ll be funny as hell, but it won’t help.”

Raeg turned to him next. “Or you! Just sitting there with your fucking guitar! It could be you too! It could be any of you! I’m not gonna fall for it, do you hear me you fucking freak? I’ll just kill you all until I figure out which one it is!”

Raeg grabbed hold of Lewdy and, with a beat from his massive wings, launched them both into the air.

“Captain, wait!” he heard Twilight yell.

As the two started to fade, Raeg tucked in his wings and sent them both hurtling towards the ground, with Lewdy positioned to take the armored pegasus’ full weight.

“What the fuck are you doing?!” he screamed over the wind.

“Die again!” Raeg yelled. The two crashed into the ground at near terminal velocity, Raeg crushing the hapless pony into what felt like nothing.

“Oh my gosh!” Twilight exclaimed, horrified. “What did you do?!”

“FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUU-” came a cry from the poplar tree, drawing the attention of her and Raeg.

Looking over, they saw Lewdy rolling on the ground in agony.

“FUCKING HELL! That hurt, you jackass!” he yelled.

Twilight stared at him, shocked. “But... but the Captain just killed him!”

“I was right! It was you!” Raeg yelled, ignoring Twilight.

“I’m pretty sure that didn’t prove what you think it just did.” Memphis said while facehoofing.

“And what do you think I was trying to prove?” Raeg shot back.

“I’ve got no fucking clue.” he admitted. “But it does prove that he really was dead to begin with. Not sure if I mentioned it earlier, but if you die you just appear back here again.”

Raeg growled. “Well that’s fucking useless then.”

“YOU SON OF A BITCH! I’LL END YOU!” Lewdy screamed as he tackled Raeg, attempting to bite his ears off.

“Just you wait. Haku’ll get you if it’s the last thing Haku does!” Haku screamed to himself, completely ignoring the scene going on within his group. “Oh ho ho... Haku almost has you- come back here!”

Haku’s eyes moved side to side as fast as they could, searching for an apparently unseen enemy, even crossing in an awkward position.. “Haha! Haku got you!” Haku said victoriously, before letting out a sigh in relief. “And they said it was impossible to catch that little squiggly line in the corner of your eyes. Well, Haku showed them.” Deciding that he had enough fun to himself, Haku turned to his friends.

“Ok guys, Haku zoned out for a while. What did Haku miss?”

And then he saw... her. The purple unicorn. Haku couldn’t believe it. It was her. The one that he adored almost as much as himself. The best pony. Or at least one of them. And it seemed that... everyone was talking to her... well almost everyone, as there was a crater to the side with two ponies in it, beating each other to the death. Seeing this Haku mumbled to himself, “Yes, fight... FIGHT! Haku has everything and you have nothing.”

Haku then turned his attention back to Twilight. Silently walking behind her, he put a hoof on her shoulder. “Excuse Haku, miss,” Haku said very calmly, gaining the purple unicorn’s attention. “Yes, hello. Are you a ghost too? One of the ones who don’t exist because it isn’t possible?” Twilight asked with a sarcastic tone. Haku nodded. “Why yes, yes Haku is. Haku just couldn’t help but notice that you’re, well... Twilight Sparkle. Is that correct?”

Twilight was silent for a moment. How did this pony know her? No, scratch that, how did this ghost know her?

“Haku takes your silence as a yes,” Haku said before grabbing her hoof in his and shaking her violently. “Oh happy day indeed!” Haku shouted. “Oh, Haku was cool with dying, but meeting with Twilight Sparkle? Oh Twilight, Haku must say, you are simply best pony.”

Haku tried to talk more, but found a hoof stuffed into his mouth, causing his eyes to bulge out.

Lucky regained his composure after being shoved aside... again. He looked back to the purple unicorn, then watched the fighting ponies inside the crater. He sighed and shook his head, then turned back to the purple pony once more.

“I am sorry for that sudden outburst miss Twilight... although ya may not believe it, becoming dead has quite the negative effect on one's thought process. I don’t think I fully introduced myself; the name is Lucky Money, used to be Dominique O’Reiley where I came from, but it seems smaller names work better here.” Lucky stuck out a hoof with his trademark smile; it had a high rate of working.

Twilight looked at the hoof and sighed, might as well keep the good manners going if they would ward away more ridiculous fighting. “Twilight Sparkle is my full name, nice to meet you Lucky... although that still doesn’t answer the question of how you got here.” Twilight took his hoof in hers and politely shook it.

“A’ yes, well there be a story for ye... when it comes to arriving here, I pretty much did the equivalent of get kicked out of death’s limousine. The others I have seen fall out of the sky, or rise out of sludge, we all arrived like we left our lives,” Lucky gestured to his round scar, “I doubt you would know what a ‘rifle’ is, but it seems I left my life in a bang.”

Twilight didn’t understand what a ‘rifle’ was, but she got the idea that it was probably a weapon. “Wait, so you were killed? By another pony? That’s horrible!” Twilight couldn’t imagine somepony hurting another like that... especially to the point of killing them.

“Well miss Twilight... I’m not exactly from here... wow this is awkward. Okay lass here’s what I’m gonna say right now; yes I was killed, happens a lot where I am from and it is usually for money. Yes it is a tragic event but moving on is a lot better than sitting and weeping... for your other question, though, I’ll just come out and say I’m not a pony, or at least I didn’t use to be. For some reason death decided to leave me here, but the world I come from is filled with ‘Humans’... ponies aren’t exactly sentient.”

Twilight was confused, this left her in an even worse state than before he had stepped in. A ‘hew-man’? And why did he talk of death so nonchalantly?

Abigail was thankful for Dominique talking to Twilight. It let her surreptitiously remove her hoof from Haku’s mouth. While it was true that Twilight’s adventures were popular fare for TV viewership in their world, it didn’t seem like telling her that (or letting her know exactly how obsessed some people could get) was a good plan. Preferably, they would never have to bring the subject up, at least, not for a long while, and it could be... altered to be less weird than a work of pure fiction designed for little girls that teenaged boys liked. Of course, she liked the show too, but that was different.

Lucky gave Twilight a somewhat concise description of his death which led to a culture clash of sorts. These ponies were quite the pacifists from what Abigail could remember, and murder clearly went well past Twilight’s limit.

“It’s like I was starting to tell you on the way here, we all, or well, not the unhappy pegasus apparently, come from another world. In that world we are the only sapient species, at least as far as we know. Ours is also nowhere near as ideal as yours. People struggle with each other over many different things, most of which are not worth the fighting in the first place. On the other hand, there are also genuinely good people in our world whose goodness shines more brightly for the dark.

“Of course, that is neither here nor there. As much as I would love to discuss the differences in our worlds with you, as well as learn how to use the magic my horn suggests I should be able to do, we do have slightly more immediate concerns.” By this point, Abigail had recovered from her doldrums and had put on a small smile. “None of us want to spend forever trapped in the same few meters of land, watching everyone else go about their lives in happiness while we sink into the landscape. I know the idea of it terrifies me, and I haven’t been here nearly as long as Lewdy or Memphis.”

Abigail realized she’d been rambling for a bit, and that letting Twilight speak and think was probably a good idea. The purple mare stroked her chin with her hoof, contemplating for a moment or seven. After the brief silence she said, “I do want to help you, but I don’t exactly know what to do. Maybe if I knew why you needed Pinkie to invite you to a party. Does it have to be her? Or can anyone invite you out? Aaauuugh,” Twilight half groaned and half cried, “Look, do you know any more about your situation than that you’ve died and appeared here and that invitations can let you leave?”

“Well,” said Memphis, “the spirit of Death comes to claim us eventually. Not exactly sure what makes her come to collect us at a specific time. Other times, she’ll boot some quarrelsome members of our limbo community to purgatory, which is supposedly a very bad place to end up. Even worse than Tartarus, if you can imagine.”

Twilight was still at a loss for information. Maybe she could get more information by running tests on the ghost ponies. She should also probably ask Princess Celestia about it, since her equipment was in her library anyway. While she believed the strange ponies more now that she found she knew one of them, even if he was... changed from the somewhat less violent pegasus that had guarded her in Canterlot, she didn’t exactly want to free a bunch of possibly evil ponies on Ponyville.

“I want to help you,” said Twilight, “so I’m going to go back to get some equipment so that I can run some tests. I’ll be back in twenty minutes, thirty at most. OK?”

Then all hell broke loose.

Chapter 5: Is that a Beak?

Chapter 5: Is that a Beak?

In the slowly disappearing crater the frantic fight was still going on. Lewdy wasn’t the best fighter for certain, that title went to Memphis in terms of beat downs. What he lacked in actual strength, speed, or cardio he made up for in tenacity. In the span of time a civilized conversation could be held Lewdy had had his neck broken twice, as well as several very important bones. Three times he died, but each time he reappeared just to proceed to try and pummel the guardspony. The obvious lack of success didn’t dissuade him from stopping; the unkillable A-hole, as Lewdy liked to think of himself, was unstoppable in death.

He only stopped when Twilight asked if it was okay for her to leave, somehow being able to hear her over his growls as he tried to chomp into Imperious’ neck. He immediately ceased his attempts at gouging out Raeg’s eyes and looked up to the group. His pupils became pinpricks at the sudden realization that his chance at freedom was about to walk away and never return. To him his reaction was quite sane and justified.

“NO! Don’t let her get away!” Lewdy loudly called out and untangled himself from the fight with Raeg to jump out of the miniature crater that had been made. He made a mad dash for Twilight. Once he was close enough, he leapt forward with a battlecry, either trying to tackle or glomp the unicorn before she could leave, depending on perspective. The lavender pony cried out in surprise and mild shock. She closed her eyes and braced herself against the impending crash.

Luckily Memphis was prepared for such an eventuality. Once Lewdy was in mid-leap it only took a stern back kick to cancel the pony’s momentum and send him crashing to the ground. A firm hoof placed on the squirming pony’s back kept him from advancing any further towards the Librarian.

“Down you idiot, down,” Memphis grunted. Twilight opened her eyes and breathed a sigh of relief, but she immediately frowned at the pony’s reaction as well as a renewed idea that it was quite possible these ponies were trouble, or at least insane.

“What’s that bloke’s problem?” Lucky asked, making sure to keep away from Lewdy’s crazed thrashings.

“Damn it let me go Memphis! If she leaves she’ll just forget about us!” Lewdy said as he clawed at the dirt.

“It doesn’t work that way.... but I can see what you mean.” Memphis said with the calmness of rock. Turning to Twilight he asked her, “would it be alright if one or two of us were to go with you? This one, Lewdy, is an idiot but he raises a valid point. Sometimes ponies are quick to forget ghosts. You know the Captain already so he could go with you, his temperament is at least better with you around and it gets boring to see Lewdy die the same way thrice over. Ah’d like to go as well if that’s alright, ah need a change of scenery instead of this stretch of road I’ve been staring at for so long.”

Twilight hesitated but finally nodded, “I suppose that’s alright. I trust the Captain and... well, I guess you’re a decent enough pony.” Twilight turned to leave, confused that Memphis did not follow.

“Much obliged miss,” Memphis said, “though it don’t work like that. You have to say the words.”

“The words?”

“An invitation to leave has to be very specific...”

“Oh I think I understand. Um let’s see... ‘I wish to officially invite you, Memphis, and Captain Imperious, to accompany me back to the library.’ How was that?”

“Perfect, let’s go.”

“But, nothing happened.”

“Nothing’s suppose to happen, we’ll see if it worked once we go.” Letting his hoof off Lewdy, the tan pony glared daggers into the agitated green one, “Lewdy. Stay here and keep the peace. I hear one bad word of your actions and I’ll make your fight with Raeg look like a game of tag.”

Raeg, Twilight, and Memphis headed back into town to Twilight’s library, leaving the rest of the group alone at the Crossroads. Lewdy was cowed for the moment by Memphis’s words, though Abigail didn’t think that that would last nearly as long as she hoped it would. Well, they had a free half hour to fill, so Abigail quickly summed up her main goals.

“Well, we have some free time, so I’m sort of curious about a few things. First, I wouldn’t mind knowing the extent of our little boundary in case Twilight doesn’t come through for us.” Abigail had come out of her ‘oh no, I’m dead’ angst rather quicker than she would have thought likely. Perhaps it was that she had another life available to her in exchange, or maybe it was this strange world which had muted all the negative emotions from the experience for her. In any case, she needed to know more, and it seemed that now was as good a time as any to ask questions.

“Lewdy, do you know the bounds of our territory, or do we have to find out on our own? Another thing I’d like to know is about this world. You seem to know... a lot about it, Haku,” Her voice had more than just a hint of derision in it, “so would you mind telling those of us who don’t know everything about Equestria a little summary? Just the important points, like major cultural taboos we can avoid. Things like that, you know? Also, as a unicorn, I’m apparently able to use magic. Anyone have any ideas on how to do that? Or what sort of magic unicorns can do?”

Just talking about magic like that made Abigail roll imaginary eyes at herself. Not that anything else happening today was reasonable, but seriously, this was silly. If she could do magic, it was clearly just some sort of science. If that was so, why not call it “aetheric mechanics” or something. Maybe it just wasn’t as catchy.

A resounding belch suddenly reminded the remaining ponies of the chubby pony who had been sitting impassively off to the side since arriving. Any questions he may have bothered to ask about the situation had been conveniently answered through lazy observation, and he appeared wholly unconcerned about the sudden changes his world had just undergone. Now thoroughly cleaned of the remaining traces of grease, he hefted himself to his hooves and ambled over to a bench.

With an “oof” he plopped himself down to relax and continue watching the ongoing spectacle his newfound companions seemed to enjoy making of themselves. Unfortunately, the bench decided it was his turn to be the entertainment, and promptly gave way under his considerable weight, dumping him onto the ground amidst an explosion of broken planks.

As was quickly becoming a pattern whenever the chubby pony did anything, Lewdy burst into laughter once again, rolling on the ground. Rising to his hooves again, Chubs walked over to stand beside the laughing pony. Since the bench had been so uncooperative, Chubs decided that the pony on the ground seemed like a nice alternative, and wordlessly dropped down to sit on top of him. Unsurprisingly, Lewdy’s laughter instantly transformed into a series of muffled protests. Chubs ignored him.

Deciding it was time to finally introduce himself, he faced the last pony who had spoken, the blue mare who called herself Abigail. “Unicorns, yeah, you can make things float, and uhh...stuff like that. No idea how it works. Why don’t you try magicking us up some dinner to find out? I could go for a good steak right now. I’m Chubs, by the way, least that’s what people always called me. No point changing it now.”

The two talking suddenly went silent, for they began to hear a slight drone from above. The rest of the ponies at the crossing also stopped what they were doing and listened intently. This odd sound began to grow louder until none of the ponies at the crossing could not deny its existence.

Lewdy rolled Chubs off of himself through sheer force of will and quickly blurted “WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SOUND?” The ponies kept looking directly at the sky as the noise quickly became threatening, as it seemed to be nearing closer to their position. They noticed a bright object descending terribly quickly towards them. This encroaching object seemed to be about the size of a plane. A miniscule one at that.

Lewdy, now far away from Chubs, once again spoke in his infinite wisdom. “IS THAT A FUCKING PLANE?!” which caused everyone in the vicinity of Lewdy to retreat to a seemingly safe distance. This is about when the plane suddenly disappeared. The majority of the ponies were left weirded out and woefully confused.

Abigail decided to take this reprieve to comment on the situation. “A plane?... How?”
Lucky similarly quipped, “The ‘ell?” Which is when the droning returned louder, causing everyone to look upwards just in time to see a parrot-faced, flaming pony take the place of the plane, that is, fall directly towards the Crossing. Though the pony was on fire, it seemed to have a grin on its face. Well, perhaps it should be said, beak.

Time began to lose its typical speedy hold as the lost ponies at the crossing looked up at the abomination careening towards them. Lewdy’s mind worked just fast enough to produce a series of panicked expletives, just as the pony hit the ground. Face first. Wait, shit, beak first.

The ground beneath the parrot-pony’s face cracked and burst into flame, as did the parrot-pony itself. All that was left of the parrot-pony was a tattered, burnt, parrot-horse carcass.
Lucky found his voice and decided to provide a valuable opinion regarding the situation. “What in the bloody ‘ell is goin’ on here?!” Lucky said just as the parrot-thing ceased burning and got to his hooves. His body was still mutilated from the fall and the burning, but his body quickly repaired itself.

The parrot-pony cleared its throat and spoke. “Uh. Yeah. So what the fuck is going on, where is my plane, and” he looked down his beak and at his hooves “what THE FUCK IS THIS EVEN?” and began to yell at the top of his lungs until he ran out of breath. He calmed himself down, and then cleared its throat twice. He sighed and began once more. “I must be tripping hardcore balls, or this is real. I couldn’t care which at this point. Or not yet anyway. Just call me Loro. It is Spanish for Parrot. Hopefully you guys know spanish.”

Lewdy blinked. He blinked another time and the parrot-pony hybrid thing was still there. “What.” He said in the wide sweeping intelligence his mind could muster. “Are you kidding? A bird... pony..horse fucking thing? God damn it... and Memphis was the one who could speak Spanish too. Alright then Loro listen carefully because I don’t want to repeat this crap all day long.”

Lewdy took a deep breath and quickly went over the basic details that have been recited all day. You’re dead, sorry about that, you’re in Equestria because you like ponies in some way or it screwed you over somehow, and finally this was the crossroads where you can spend your limbo until you get sent on to hell or heaven. Finally he made a quick listing of all the people that have arrived so far before he was forced to stop to breath again.

“And if you have any questions... just ask Haku. He’ll answer anything I’m sure... god damn my ribs are killing me and I’m already dead. Chubs you bastard... using me as bloody seat.”

Still grumbling to himself he turned around he tried to give a charming smile to Abigail, but if anything it turned out more pained, “Ignoring the parrot thing that fell from the sky my dear... actually,” He sharply turned his head around, “you’re going to have to explain what the hell that was there and what the hell you are but give me a second.” Regarding the blue mare again the smile returned again, “to answer your question... uhh there really isn’t that much of a boundary to the crossroads. It’s basically just this stretch of road where the road intersects and these benches here, well two benches and the shattered remains of what happens when the immovable object sits on one of them. The farther you get away from the crossroads the faster you fade away. That’s about it really. Oh yeah the whole unicorn and magic thing... yeah whatever, ask Haku he’s more up to talking about it.”

“What?” Haku asked away from the group, chasing his own tail, “Haku heard his name! Who called Haku’s name?” Haku looked to his group, just now noticing the missing members, and also the bird. Wait... a bird-pony? What, did a gryphon and pony get it on? Dude... that’s just creepy. ‘Well,’a voice in Haku’s head said,‘enough dilly dally! Time to introduce yourself to the bird.’

‘But he’s... so weird looking...’ Haku thought to himself. ‘Who cares! He’s a BIRD-pony mashup! Maybe he can fly! Jump on him... and see what happens...’

‘Ok Brain, Haku will do so. Thanks for the idea.’

‘No problem. Just remember, you didn’t hear from me.’

“That makes no sense what so ever,” Haku said aloud, drawing the attention of the group, including the bird. Haku calmly walked to the creature and extended a hoof in friendship. “Greeting creature! You are looking at Haku, your new god.”

The Beak-faced pony could only stare at this weird pony. Was he sick in the head?

“Haku believes so, yes. But that’s ok, because who needs a brain in the head when Haku has Brain.”

‘Quiet you fool! We don’t need people knowing of my existence.’

“Yes sir!” Haku shouted while doing his best impression of a salute. Everyone, excluding the beaked pony, only sighed at Haku. After a while, it seemed that they all got use to his antics. Too bad for the newcomer.

“Now Beak-Face-”

“Loro.”

“Loro, beak-face, it all sounds the same. Now, Beak-Face, Haku asks you, can Haku ride you to see if you can fly? None of these people can do so, so it is entirely possible that Haku will bore of them soon. You on the other,” Haku said while pointing at Loro, “You are unique. So what say you?”

After a short walk through Ponyville, the three ponies arrived at Twilight’s library.

“Alright.” Twilight said. “This shouldn’t take too long, just come on in and make yourselves at home while I gather my equipment.”

Twilight opened the door and the three filed in, Raeg having to bow his head to pass through the low door.

“Twilight, is that you?” a voice called from within the tree.

“Yeah, Spike, it’s me. But I won’t be long, I just have to get a few things.”

They heard the soft patter of feet as Spike ran into the main room.

“Twilight! You have to see this, the prin... cess...” The baby dragon ran in waving a scroll in one hand but froze as he saw Twilight’s companions.

“Spike? Are you okay?” Twilight asked, concerned.

Spike lifted a claw and pointed shakily at Raeg before tossing the scroll into the air and running away screaming something about zombie ponies.

“What’s his problem?” Memphis asked.

“I have no idea.” Twilight admitted. She caught the scroll in her magical grip as it fluttered through the air. Levitating it over, she began to read its contents.

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

It is with a heavy heart that I write to inform you of the deaths of three of your friends in the guard, Captain Imperious, Archmage Heavy Hoofed, and Chaplain Patriarch. They were killed in the 501st’s most recent engagement in the northlands. They fought bravely and through the legion’s sacrifice we manage to negotiate a temporary truce with the gryphons that may very well result in lasting peace.

I understand that losing somepony close to you can be hard and that you’ve never had to experience something like this before, so I’d like to come visit you to help you through this. I’ll be coming to Ponyville in a week, in the meantime I can only offer my condolences, I knew them well and they will be sorely missed here in Canterlot. I can only hope that this tragedy allows you to cherish your friends all the more, you never really know what you have until it’s gone.

Yours truly,

Princess Celestia

Twilight felt her eyes begin to water as she read the scroll. She knew they were dead, she’d just met one of the dead ponies after all, but having it verified like this, and by the princess no less, just made it seem all the more real. She wasn’t sure about the Captain, but Patriarch and Heavy Hoofed, at least, she now knew she’d never see again.

“Hey, you alright?” a gruff voice asked from behind.

Twilight sniffled a bit. “Yeah, I’m fine.” She levitated the scroll over to him with a strained laugh. “Just the princess confirming your story for you.”

Raeg scanned the document. He snorted in amusement when he read Mofo and Moarfistin’s original names. His amusement drained away when he neared the end, though. Celestia was coming here? No no no, that wasn’t good. He couldn’t stand to be near her after what he’d done, she probably still hated him for it anyways. He suddenly remembered Lewdy’s words; “Your eternal souls shall rest here upon the cobbled road before you are judged by your God, or gods, and sent to heaven or hell.”

His pupils became pinpricks, she was coming to judge him! He had been spared Discord
so that Celestia could punish him herself! For the first time since his deal with Discord, Raeg felt fear. Even the draconequus’s unholy anger couldn’t keep it away. Discord’s eternal torment he could bear, he was sure he could even stand the princess’s punishment; he knew he deserved it. What he couldn’t bear was hearing her speak the words, looking her in the eye as she told him he was a traitor. Anything but that.

“Imperious? Are you alright?” he heard Twilight ask.

He never got the chance to answer as the window shattered and what looked like a rainbow rocketed into the room.

“Gawd damn!” Memphis exclaimed, jumping back from the flying glass that cascaded onto the library’s wooden floors.

The rainbow streak impacted Raeg’s armor and bounced harmlessly, for him anyways, off of it, landing on the floor a few feet away.

A cyan pegasus with a rainbow mane lay sprawled on the floor, eyes rotating in different directions. Shakily she got to her feet, stumbling across the library quite a bit.

“Hey Twi! I was in the neighborhood and figured I’d stop by to pick up a...” she trailed off as she dazedly bumped into Raeg. Looking up at him she asked “Woah, who’s the big guy?”

Chapter 6: Pinkie's Nightmare

Chapter 6: Pinkie’s Nightmare

The group of ponies continued talking amongst themselves, Haku and Chubs filling the party in on the basics of Equestrian history, while everyone got their new birdlike companion up to speed on the whole being dead predicament. Lucky Money listened to the description of Equestria with a practiced ear, searching for new business opportunities, and ways to avoid alienating customers. Abigail, meanwhile, looked a bit forlornly at where Loro’s plane had been. She didn’t know where any more electronics might be found, but that plane surely would have had enough supplies to start in on making a basic generator.

At the same time, a pink mare with cotton candy shaped hair was bouncing along, singing about how she deals with scary situations. Usually, the song was only a verse or two long, but today she was already five verses into it, making up new rhymes as she went. Her friends, had they seen her, might have noticed her gait was less bouncy than normal, her eyes wider, and her mane somewhat less poofy. The party pony was certainly out of her element as she passed the haunted grounds of the Crossroads.

Normally, Pinkie Pie would just avoid the place all together. An unfortunate event from years ago had made sure of that.

Pinkie trotted, or hopped rather, down the streets having just finished cleaning up from her own Welcome to Ponyville party or, more accurately, her ‘Clean Up from the Welcome to Ponyville, Pinkie Pie Party Party.’ As her path took her by the largely unused carriage station, she spied a forlorn looking mare sitting at one of the benches. She couldn’t help wanting to make the poor sad mare smile, so Pinkie bounced over to her.

“Hey, want some cake? We could have a ‘Use the Leftovers from the Last Party Party! I’ve even got streamers, so that we can decorate! What do you say?” Pinkie was sure the mare would love her party idea. Everyone did! Even her parents had broken out into smiles, and they could be downright dour at times. But this mare’s lips didn’t even quivver. She just stood up slowly and glared for a moment. Then her lips curled. The corners turned up, but not in a fun sort of way. It seemed more... scary. So, Pinkie did what her Granny Pie told her to do when faced with scary things: giggle.

It didn’t seem to do much. The mare didn’t go away, but instead, she advanced. Pinkie’s giggling was not so much the courage-building stuff she was hoping for now, but rather, it was a hollow, thin shell of fortitude keeping her from bolting away at top speed. The strange mare advanced, her forehead nearly touching Pinkie’s, and began to speak in a voice so calm it was a miracle that it could contain the malice it did.

“Oh, my my my, look at the brave little pony. Staring death in the face and laughing at it.” It was about now that Pinkie felt a pit in her stomach and her right hind leg twitch. It was a new signal from her Pinkie Sense that just screamed “RUN.” She couldn’t move though, she was too scared to even react. “Well, the dead don’t take too kindly to being mocked,” The mare had begun to circle Pinkie, and was now just outside her field of vision. “Now, what, exactly do you think I should do to you, now that you’ve wandered into my home?” A hoof was drawn across Pinkies back, sending more shivers up her spine than Pinkie thought possible. The mare was standing just on the peripherals of Pinkie’s vision when something changed.

She felt a wave of crushing loneliness wash over her. She could hear the screams of thousands of ponies, crying out for comfort, companionship, anything, but never finding one another. Their feelings carried in their voices, drilling the loneliness deep down into Pinkie’s core. Then she felt a leg tighten around her chest. The mare was pulling her into that... place! All Pinkie knew was that she had to get away before the mean, no evil, mare threw her into that dungeon of sorrow. The moment of desperation snapped Pinkie out of her paralysis and she easily broke free of the mare’s grip, aided by all the adrenaline and sugar her body could muster. Pinkie fled from that abandoned carriage station chased by a wave of oppressive loneliness and a hollow cackle, leaving behind the bag of streamers and the cake she had offered the mare.

Ever since that night, Pinkie had avoided the Crossroads. She’d sometimes come down a street a few blocks away, within sight of the ancient edifice, but only when there were plenty of ponies around. Every time, though, she couldn’t help but stare at the place. She knew every time how many ghosts there were, and what they looked like, even if she would have preferred to pretend the whole place didn’t exist.

Ever since she had become friends with Zecora, though, she’d been thinking that maybe the place deserved a second chance. She’d debated about it for weeks, which stretched on to become months. It turned out that fate forced her hand on the issue, though. Today was Mayor Mare’s birthday, and the Cakes had been hired to prepare her cake. Unfortunately, Pinkie had scarfed down the whole thing in one bite when she saw it. The Cakes then had to quickly bake a new cake and Pinkie had to rush the delivery, which meant that she couldn’t avoid cutting through the Crossroads.

But Pinkie had good friends now, and she was braver than before, and it was just a little past noon. There was no way that evil mare would still be hanging around, anyway. She probably got bored and left years ago. Yeah, that crazy mare totally wasn’t going to be there. Even so, Pinkie figured to brighten her spirits with a nice song, getting through the junction would take just a hop, hop, hop, hop, hop, hop, skip, hop, skip and a jump.

“Sooo... do we just feed you crackers or something, Loro? Cause we have zero crackers and zero pirates for you to stand on. Now if you were pink and taller I’d just suggest pretending Chubs was a hippo and stand on him for a bit but I feel that’s just insulting to the hippo,” Lewdy said with his usual biting tone of mock. The fact nopony had kicked him yet showed a sense of self control that a Buddhist monk would be proud of. Of course nothing lasts forever and Lewdy was quickly pressing his luck with the insults.

“Actually that’d be a sight to see. Haku wants to ride you and if you stood on top of Chubs it’d be like a Roman orgy with the vomiting missing... well not missing but...” His voice trailed off as he looked over Loro’s shoulder to see a very familiar pink pony nervously passing by the crossroads.

‘Freedom ticket, freedom ticket!’ Lewdy cried out in his own head as he watched her pass with a hopeful spark in his eyes. He thought about shouting out to her to get her attention but he knew the results would be the same. This wasn’t the first time she or another of the mane six went by the crossroads. At first Lewdy would holler himself hoarse trying to get their attention. Each time it was the same, they’d pass by without hearing a word and not noticing the frantic pony attempting to get them to come over. Pinkie Pie especially in the past made an avid point to avoid the Crossroads. Memphis had hypothesized that it might be her Pinkie Sense warning her off but Lewdy saw no sense in that. His eyes followed her closely and he wandered away from Loro to watch her pass, contemplating getting her attention.

He found though that it wouldn’t be necessary.

A strange combination of motions were made. Pinkie’s right hind leg visibly twitched, the jolliness in her step disappeared as if she had been struck by something, and her mane and tail seemed to shiver. Lewdy stepped back, perplexed, this was a new Pinkie Sense he hadn’t seen before but then again he hadn’t been just five feet away from her before.

Pinkie’s eyes dilated and slowly she turned her head towards them, dreading what she would see. What she saw made the pit in her stomach grow and the shiver in her spine tingle from a growing terror that crept up her hooves. She gulped and looked at each of the shadowy ponies that she knew to be ghosts. She didn’t recognize any of them besides one that had the slightest of green and blue hints to it.

And there was one figure that seemed completely out of place.

Pinkie Pie had never met a Hippogryph before, she had only seen them in storybooks but knew they resembled gryphons like Gilda.Yet she felt with little doubt that what she saw in front of her didn’t belong in this haunted place.

Before she could stop to consider all the details she cried out to the red parrot faced pony, “Hey Mr. Hippogryph! You shouldn’t be in this spooky place with all these nasty ghosties around!”

And without thinking she addressed them all in a proclamation, “You here me spookie ghosties? Leave ‘im alone or deal with the Pinkie Pie!”

She suddenly covered her mouth with both her forehooves, the shock evident in her eyes as she quickly realized the mistake she made. She watched in horror as not only the red parrot pony become vibrant but the rest of the ghosts as well. The green pony she knew had been in the Crossroads for a while was closest to her, almost close enough to touch. He had a wild smile on his face, one that reminded her too much of the haunting, cruel smile the mare from so long ago gave her.

Her eyes darted around at the other ones. One colt was a brown unicorn with a curly black mane, another yellow with a green mane, the only mare there was deep blue with a black mane. The final pony nearly sent her over the edge of hysteria by the way he looked at her. The hefty grey pony with the blonde mane was looking at her in what could only be described as hunger.

“Pinkie Pie!” Lewdy shouted with joy that caused her to shrink in fear. “No! Don’t freak out, don’t freak out! I mean I’m a ghost but not a scary one, well ghosts are scary but I’m not trying to be scary!” Lewdy frantically spoke, his voice rising in pitch slowly. Pinkie Pie’s eyes frantically darted around for a way to get away, her hooves still covering her mouth for fear of screaming and gaining the ghost’s ire.

“Listen Pinkie! You gotta get us out of here! I’m going completely insane in this little square prison. You have got to get me out of here!” Lewdy desperately said, taking several quick steps forward so that his face was mere inches from the panicked pink pony.

Pinkie gasped suddenly when Lewdy roughly grabbed her shoulders with his hooves. His pupils trembled from wild desperation, “Please! I cannot go to hell! Get us out of here!”

Abigail and Lucky Money quickly saw how serious Lewdy was making the situation and rushed forward. Grabbing onto Lewdy’s legs, Lucky tried his best, with all his might, to pull the green pony away from Pinkie Pie. Meanwhile Abigail was at Lewdy’s side trying to shove him away.

The blue unicorn closed her eyes from the exertion of keep Lewdy away from Pinkie as well as trying to tap into her inherent ability. Chubs had said something about unicorns being able to make things float with their magic. She had no idea if it would work, but she had to try to break Lewdy’s grip on Pinkie Pie. With eyes still closed shut she concentrated, trying to visualize pulling Lewdy’s hooves off the pink mare with her mind’s eye. It didn’t take long before she felt a heat in her forehead where she knew her horn to be. Abigail kept the clear image in her mind, focusing on it more than trying to push the frantic green pony away.

Her horn and Lewdy’s hooves were slowly surrounded by a red aura, the same color as Abigail’s eyes. It was weak at first but in a quick burst of strength Lewdy felt his hooves be pulled away and his body dragged away.

“Damn it! You bastards, let me go!” He shouted as he fell to the ground.

“Not ‘til ya calm the ‘ell down lad!” Lucky shouted back, still pulling trying to pull the pony back.

He failed to see the slow ambling form of Chubs pass by.

“Chubs? What are you-” Abigail started when she opened her eyes to see the hefty stallion pass her by. Her eyes widened even more when she watched in horror as he simply stuffed part of Pinkie Pie’s tail into his mouth and start to chew, a trance of heavenly satisfaction on his smiling face.

This was too much for the poor mare and with a scream Pinkie Pie shot into the air, getting her tail free from Chub’s mouth. Before she even touched the ground she was away. Galloping at full speed back the way she came. Screaming as she went and not looking back.

Loro’s beak distorted in revulsion and confusion. Lewdy watched in disappointment as his pink salvation ran away. He groaned and buried his face into the dirt, muffled by the ground he said, “Why Chubs, why?”

Chapter 7: Science is Magic

Chapter 7: Science is Magic

Twilight’s mouth was agape, staring at her broken window and the shattered pieces of glass that littered the floor.

“Rainbow! What were you thinking?!” she loudly said as she trotted over to the remains of her window, “I thought you said you’d use the door!” She turned around and went quiet again when she heard Rainbow Dash speak. She froze when she saw her cyan friend standing in front of the formidable form of Captain Imperious, a pony who was supposed to be dead.

“Oh... uh..” Twilight started, “he’s... well... This is Captain Imperious. He used to be my bodyguard back in Canterlot and he... came by to visit! Yes, that’s right!”

Rainbow Dash blinked, “He’s tall,” she said.

“Um, well yes I suppose he is,” Twilight said, “Imperious, Memphis this is my friend Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash you’ve met the Captain already and the other pony beside him is Memphis.”

Rainbow Dash looked around the towering pony to see a tan pony with a deep black mane. He nodded sharply to her and muttered a “Miss” to her before he looked back down at the glass on the floor.

“Well nice to meet you both. I’m Rainbow Dash, fastest flier in Equestria!” Rainbow Dash proudly exclaimed, “So you two visiting Ponyville?”

“You could say that,” Raeg grunted.

Memphis didn’t respond but rather hopped over the broken glass to Twilight. “I’m sorry to make this a bit ‘o a rush ‘ere Miss Twilight but you were sayin’ you needed equipment?”

Twilight nodded, “Yes of course, the equipment for the tests I want to run is down in the basement. But come to think of it, since you’re already here I could probably just do the tests now and save everypony some time. Would you mind being my test subject for this, Mr. Memphis? I swear it won’t take long.”

Memphis frowned, hesitating a moment before he finally answered the eager eyes in front of him, “I reckon it’d be alright... I suppose. Lead the way then, miss.”

“Great! I can already think of what tests to run, oh if only Spike hadn’t run off like that. I could really use the help.” Twilight said as she trotted to the basement door with the stallion in tow.

“Well I suppose any other sane man would do right about the same thing if he got a letter like that only to see the subject of it glarin’ down on ‘im.”

Twilight stopped at the doorway to look at him. She blinked, “I... guess you’re right. Huh, didn’t think of it that way Mr. Memphis.”

Memphis shrugged, “You can do away with the mister part Miss Sparkle, I ain’t one for being formal to.” With that she descended the stairs with him in tow. Going down the stairs the echoes of what sort of tests Twilight wanted to run could be heard.

“Ah know more than two of those test you mentioned aren’t going to be comfortable,” Memphis called out, the worry slightly more evident from his usual calm and lethargic drawl.

And so Captain Raeg and Rainbow Dash were left upstairs, by themselves. Still slightly intimidated by the tall pegasus she slowly asked, “So how long have you known Twilight?”

“Pretty much since she became the Princess’ protege,” Raeg huffed, glancing up at the broken window for a moment.

Down below phantom colored lights appeared as the sound of a whirling machine was started up.

“Wow... so uh pretty long time, huh?” Rainbow Dash said, feeling the awkwardness of their conversation.

“Mhm,” Raeg said.

“How long you staying in Ponyville?” she asked him.

“No idea,” he replied.

Before Rainbow could go on though a sharp cry from down below reached their ears, “YEOW! Careful dere! Ah can still feel pain y’know!” A familiar voice gave a sincere apology over the sound of the machine before it started up again to drown out the talking and the occasional surprised shouts of pain.

Rainbow Dash couldn’t help but shudder at the prospects Memphis found himself in right now. She looked up to see Imperious staring down at her, she smiled nervously back, trying her best not to look flighty.

“So you used to be a royal guardspony right? Aren’t you guys suppose to be emotionless, you know like stoic or something?” she said, trying to revive the conversation despite the rather disturbing sounds down in Twilight’s laboratory.

“Not that kind of guardspony.” Raeg said. He narrowed his eyes then, “What makes you think I’m not emotionless?”

Rainbow gestured to his flank, “Well your cutie mark is an angry face. That’s not very stoic if you asked me.”

“Ow! I’m positive ya aren’t using that thing right, right there!” A shout from Memphis down below interrupted their conversation again.

“I really wonder what’s going on down there,” Rainbow said, looking over at the open door.

“I don’t want to know,” Raeg replied gruffly, staring down the same doorway as her.

“OW! THIS IS NOT THE KIND ‘O TESTS AH HAD IN MIND!”

“So what exactly is Twilight doing to that Memphis guy?” Rainbow asked.

“She said ‘tests’, I say torture.” Raeg grumbled. “I wouldn’t worry about it either way. He should be fine.”

“If you say so.” Rainbow conceded. “So where were you stationed before you came to Ponyville?”

“Northlands,” he grunted.

“DEAR GOD NOT THERE!” they heard Memphis shout from the basement.

“Really?” Rainbow asked, perking up. “Did you see any action?”

“Some.” he replied.

“What legion did you serve with?” she persisted

“Canterlot 501st.” Raeg said.

“The five-oh... “ she trailed off as she looked back to his cutie mark. “... first? You were with the Angry Legion!”

“Eeyup.”

“Oh man, that’s so awesome! You guys are the coolest!” she exclaimed.

Raeg looked at her like she’d grown a second head. “What?”

“The Angry Legion, you guys are the Heroes of the Northlands!” she gushed.

“Is that what they’re calling us?” he asked, disbelief evident in his voice.

“Of course, you guys ended the war before it really even started! Oh man, you must have some awesome stories!”

Raeg snorted. “Sure, wanna hear about the time I got to watch all my men die?” he asked, voice dripping with sarcasm.

Rainbow Dash seemed to deflate at his words. “What?” she asked.

“The 501st is dead, kid. They all died in the last engagement of the war.”

“But...” Rainbow stammered. “But you guys were heroes...”

“We weren’t heroes, kid, we were soldiers. We did what we signed up to do. We were just better at it than most ponies.”

“I’m sorry.” she said, quietly. “So you’re the only one left?”

“I... I’m retired, I guess you could say.” Raeg said.

“Oh. Is that why you’re visiting Twilight?” she asked.

“Uh... sure. Yeah, I just needed to see a familiar face, I guess.” he lied.

“Well if you’re gonna be in town for a while you should hang out with us.” Rainbow suggested. “It might help you get your mind off of... well that.”

Raeg just stared at her.

“Alright, how about this, you being a war hero and everything, why don’t I treat you to a night at the cider house? How’s that sound?” she suggested.

Raeg developed a thousand yard stare. “I could really use a drink right about now...”

“Well now ya gone and done it lad, ya scared ‘er off!” Lucky brought his hoof to his face while letting out a sigh. “Ye too Chubs, what good did ya think would come of chewing on the mare's tail?!” Lucky didn’t wait for an answer, he just trotted over to the bench and sat down. His face lost its trademark smile and was set in a frown. Even a happy go-lucky seeming pony was scared off by them in less than 10 seconds flat.

Lucky turned to Abigail and said, “well it seems ye learned ‘ow to use magic. At least ya got the bloody maniac off the pony before ‘e did something we would all regret.”

Abigail nodded and looked back to Lewdy who was currently crying with his head in the dirt and pounding his hooves about. “Would have helped if I knew something sooner, but you’re right, at least I stopped something even worse happening. Do you think she’ll come back?”

Lucky chuckled a little. “I doubt it. That pony looked more scared than a nun on Saint Pattie’s Day,” Lucky shook his head, “for now it’s probably just best that we wait for Memphis and Raeg... and keep Lewdy under control.”

“Oy! Chubs!” Chubs looked at Lucky, “‘ow about you try to keep yeself under control next time lad? In the meantime, ‘ow about you just relax under a tree so we don’t have to keep an eye on you AND Lewdy.”

Chubs lazily lifted his head from the ground and said, “but it looked so tasty.” Lucky could see the drool coming from the stallion's mouth. Even it looked slow and fat.

“Er, right lad... right.”

Haku stared in amusement as his group scared off another possible helper source of escape. Oh sure, Haku could have helped, but where would the fun be in that? No, it was always much better to just sit back and watch the explosions from the sidelines. And boy howdy, were there some explosions. The part where Chubs actually started to eat Pinkie? Oh man, that was priceless. The only question Haku had after the ordeal was if Pinkie’s tail really did taste like cotton candy like the internet said.

“Now then,” Haku started, “What to do now?” The question gained the attention of the group, all staring at him. “Well, we just scared off- oh, Haku means- you all just scared off the happiest pony in the area. Nice going. Haku honestly doesn’t know where to go from here.”

“What does that mean?” Lewdy said, still a little teary-eyed from their missed opportunity. Haku couldn’t help but let out a chuckle. “Well, Haku means that if we can scare the pony who giggles at everything scary, then surely there’s nothing to do now, right?”

“What about the Zecora thing in that one episode?” Chubs asked, “She didn’t giggle then. Pinkie was nearly as scared as she was now.”

Again, Haku chuckled, throwing his foreleg around Chubs’ shoulder, “Well Haku’s good man, that is indeed a good point. But then, Pinkie had friends. She was alone now. Back then, Pinkie suffered from a cousin of poison ivy. Now, She suffered from actually beings from beyond the grave. Back then, Pinkie giggled at how they were pranked by a by the forest. Now? Pinkie was spooked by zombie ponies. Actual zombie ponies.”

Lucky opened his mouth to say something, but closed it, having to think this through a bit. “So what ye be saying lad, is that we’re all royally screwed now?”

Haku turned to face the irishman/pony with a dead serious look. “We’re more than screwed Lucky,” Haku began, “We’re so deeply screwed into the wood, we may just have to get a whole new piece of plywood and a bag of screws just so we can start the project all overs again... that is, if we didn’t have Twilight on our side” Haku stated as-a-matter-of-factly, “Haku totally forgot about her.”

The group let out a collective sigh, remembering their purple friend. Except for Chubs, who most likely sighed because he missed the taste of Pinkie’s tail. “And now,” Haku whispered, “We must play the waiting game.” A moment of silence past.

“Good luck guys, I’m the regional champ” Haku stated, bringing on a bout of face-hoofing.

“Don’t you lie, Haku.”

‘Quiet Brain, Haku has this in the bag.’

The melancholy and frustration Abigail felt over Pinkie being scared away quickly devolved into seething rage for Lewdy and Chubs. Not that she really needed the help to dislike either of them, Chubs was a useless blob with the apparent grey matter of a single ant while Lewdy was, well, lewd (and also insane from three years of being trapped in a small unbarred prison, but that argument didn’t help to win him any points). She hadn’t really formed an opinion on Loro or Haku; they were both quite odd but seemed mostly harmless. Dominique, or Lucky Money as he had fashioned himself, seemed to be the sanest of their party. Raeg was, well, a very angry pony. It did seem odd that he was Equestrian born while the rest of them were human, but it would likely help them to escape their confinement if he had connections. Memphis was an odd one too; he seemed as level headed as Lucky or herself, but Abigail couldn’t help but think that there was something behind his calm. Either way, he was a reasonable person and seemed able to hold Lewdy in check. Perhaps if he had been there, they wouldn’t have lost Pinkie Pie. Lewdy just seemed permanently self defeating. Certainly the type of pony you couldn’t take your eye o-

Abigail came out of her reverie to the unpleasant sight of Lewdy, Chubs and Haku flinging pebbles and twigs at any passing ponies they felt they could reach. “GRAAAAGH! What are you doing? Didn’t you want to get out of here?” Abigail was shouting at the pack of idiots as she broke out into a gallop towards them.

“Don’t get your non-existant panties in a knot, girlie,” said Lewdy in a surprisingly melancholy, yet still entirely acerbic tone. “Nothing we do can affect them unless they let it. Even if we break a rock over the fuckers’ heads it’ll just disappear and reappear where it started. They’ll only barely feel a breeze. Maybe they’ll think they’ve been tapped, or it’ll be like a cold burst of air hit ‘em.” He shouted in frustrated rage as he chucked a rather sizable stone, hitting a pony square in the head from across the street.

Abigail looked on in horror, expecting the pony to fall to the ground in pain, bleeding through a nasty wound. Instead, the orange mare just shivered a little and went on her way. The rock quickly disappeared from its landing spot, only to materialize at Lewdy’s hooves. He picked it up again and hefted it towards a window, it seemed to pass right through and reappear once more in front of him.

“Trust me, there’s nothing we can do to affect the living’s world. I’ve tried it all, too. I’ve dug ditches across the road to trap carts here that refilled themselves as quickly as they’re dug. I’ve laid down in front of their carts only to be crushed without even being noticed. WE - CAN’T - FUCKING - DO - ANYTHING - UNLESS - THEY - GODDAMN - LET - US!” Each shouted word was punctuated by another stone ineffectually striking its target, Lewdy had clearly had too much practice at this pastime. “So, unless you’re offering me some other way to distract myself,” he eyed Abigail in a way that was entirely uncomfortable, “I’d suggest you fuck off for a while.”

Shaken, Abigail backed away from Lewdy. He was much more emotional than he’d been before, she could have sworn she’d seen tears beginning to well up in his eyes. The salvation he’d sought for three years had just walked right up to him - been in his hooves, even - only to be ripped away. Abigail was honestly surprised that he hadn’t killed Chubs yet, for all the good it would do. She decided to avoid the group and settled down under the tree and work on using magic. There was nothing better for her to do, at any rate.

Twilight trotted up the stairs again after a time of silence once the tests were completed. She was frowning, a blush on her face from embarrassment. “Oh Celestia I’m sorry about the ectoplasmic test again Memphis. I didn’t think it’d turn out to be so... invasive.”

On shaky hooves Memphis trotted up after her, trying his best not to grimace from the uncomfortable experience he just endured, “It’s... fine Miss Twilight... just... I’d rather we never speak of that again.”

Twilight bit at her lower lip, “of course. I’m sorry again, I guess maybe I went overboard.”

“Again, rather we didn’t talk about it. Now then, did you find out everything you needed to know? I’d feel a bit better knowing I didn’t go through all that for nothing.” Memphis said, refusing to look her in the eye.

“Oh most definitely! Well you’re for the most part like any other pony except... well you don’t... oh how do I put this. If would seem your blood is actually ectoplasm and your body temperature is lower than that of a living pony. Your story is much more believable now with evidence. On top of everything else that’s happened... I think I finally believe your story.” Twilight after her many pauses said with a final exasperated sigh. “And I just wanted to say that... I’m sorry for all those times I walked past you both and didn’t even think twice about you. If I knew...”

“Don’t give it ‘nother thought Miss Sparkle. You aren’t the only one and honestly I wasn’t sure there was much you could do besides letting us walk around a bit. Even now I think this is just a respite if anything. Glad the others don’t have to deal with that loneliness we had to deal with in the start.” Memphis told her, his calm voice turning more solemn than stoic now.

“Well hopeless or not I can’t just leave anypony to suffer like that, I’ll find some way to make this all right!” Twilight exclaimed with determination, though faltered at the soft chuckling of Memphis, “What’s so funny?”

“Nothin’ Miss Sparkle, just I almost forgot how determined the young and living can be. You get ‘ta see from a different perspective on the other side, y’could say. Now then, let’s go collect the Captain and get back to the others.” He trotted towards the main library but stopped to look over at the lavender unicorn, “that is of course you still want to ‘elp a bunch of unusual ghosts such as ourselves.”

Twilight gave a curt nod, “Of course, let’s go.”

Returning to the main library Memphis made sure to kick away the glass on the floor into a clear pile by the wall so none of the ponies would cut themselves on it. Being dead he could afford a few cuts. The sight of the broken window again reminded the librarian of her irritation with the rainbow maned pony that sheepishly grinned back at her.

“Uh hehehe, sorry about the window Twilight, promise I’ll pay for it buuut I gotta go now, just dropped by to grab the new Daring Do book before I went over to Pinkie’s.” Dashing to one of the bookshelves she took a rather new looking volume with ‘Daring Do’ written in golden letters on its binding. Flying up to the window she waved back, “Nice talkin’ with you Cap! How ‘bout later tonight we go out for that drink at the Cider house? I’ll meet you there, bye!” And with a rainbow flash of light she was out the window again.

Memphis watched the space the cyan pegasus was in moments ago before he finally hummed, turning to Imperious he spoke slowly, “You realize that wasn’t a proper invitation; ya won’t be able to leave with that alone.”

“Well hopefully I can fix that,” Twilight chimed in.

“Hopefully so. Let’s get back now before we go ‘n give Spike a heart attack. Next chance we get we’ll need to apologize to the poor fella. Not everyday ya see the dead.”

“Pinkie Pie? Are you alright in there?” Mrs. Cake asked through the closed bedroom door. It had been a few minutes since pink pony had burst back into Sugarcube corner with her eyes brimming with tears and an uneasy shake in her step. She wouldn’t say what was wrong to her or Mr. Cake but instead put the cake she was supposed to deliver down on the counter and ran upstairs.

She’d been locked in her room ever since, sobbing.

Behind the door, Pinkie Pie was hiding under her bed, curled up with a blanket for protection. The desperate, crazed eyes of that green pony were still clear in her mind and the memory of a terrifying and evil mare was vivid to her again. She was scared. Just moments ago she’d stared death in the face and was nearly eaten by a ghost, the thought of ever going close to those crossroads again was enough to keep her hidden in the blankets beneath her bed.

Pinkie didn’t answer the voice at the door. Sniffing and clearing away the tears from her eyes with the blanket, she listened to the hoofsteps hesitantly walk back downstairs.

Chapter 8: A Pony eat Pony sort of World

Chapter 8: A Pony eat Pony sort a World

Lucky just sat there, contemplating the events which just unfolded. He rummaged through his mind to piece back together what had happened with Pinkie Pie. Pinkie arriving happy, check. Lewdy going insane and grabbing her, check. Himself and Abigail pulling Lewdy off of her, check... and then Chubs. Chubs made Lucky practically seethe with rage. Not only was the pony beyond all logical physique, but it had also gone up and started eating Pinkies tail... the happiest pony ever (According to Haku) and all they showed her was that they pretty much WERE zombie ponies.

Lucky facehoofed (A gesture he was sure he was going to do more) and gave out a very tired sigh. He was tired of these events. He wasn’t exactly in a wonderful position back on Earth when it came to his company. A rival company (Probably Potatoes & co.) had anonymously accused him of practically using slave labor. The allegations were ridiculous and even he wouldn’t stoop that low (Used to be a lowly grunt himself, vowed to not make others feel the same), but that didn’t matter to the public. The media made him out to be the worst criminal since Hitler and the public address he was going to give was going to be his way of putting everything to rest... instead he was the one put to rest.

Now he sat in Limbo with a pervert and a slug made pony who had just completely scared off one of their only chances to get out of this mad hole. He looked upon them again with his frown only increasing in hatred. They were currently throwing rocks at various windows and ponies, the rocks themselves dissipated before doing harm anyway but it still angered him. If they were just gonna keep acting like this than there was little chance they were going to allow another chance to go off without a hitch. He craned his head back to look at Abigail who had turned away from the group, he couldn’t blame her. He felt like just leaving too, but thanks to a certain duo, that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon.

Lucky finally gave up his futile efforts and just rested his head back down, allowing his heavy eyes to close. He felt that at this point there was no use in thinking over everything going wrong, and instead decided to focus on other (Possibly) good things. He remembered the one mare Haku had mentioned that was in the food business. “Applejack” he said her name was, maybe mutual business efforts could be met and he could rise back up to his former glory? He doubted it, but it was a chance that he felt he needed to take. And if that didn’t work, Haku had also mentioned a mare named “Rarity” who was pretty much as money grubbing as he was. He knew that she certainly could see the value in such a partnership... if he could convince her of his late status.

Haku sighed as he watched the stone return next to him. He picked it up, and threw it at a passing pony. As always, the stone either pass through them harmlessly, or did little to nothing to the victims. The stone returned once again. “You know Lewdy,” Haku spoke to the colt, “this isn’t as fun as you made it out to be.”

Lewdy stopped throwing his stones and turned to face Haku. “I don’t know Haku, I’m having loads of fun. You’re obviously just doing it wrong.” Haku glared at his ‘friend.’ Haku held his glare for a moment, trying to faze Lewdy, and when it became obvious that he wouldn’t be, Haku picked up his stone once again. He tossed it upwards a few times, catching within his hooves each time, how he could even hold them with hooves was beyond Haku. But hey, screw physics.

Turning back to Lewdy, Haku spoke, “Lewdy, does it hurt to die, again Haku means?” Needless to say, Lewdy was stunned to hear that question from Haku, but nevertheless answered.

“Well Haku, it depends on how you die. Like earlier, when Raeg and I were fighting, a fight I must say that I won hands down, I died feeling the pain Raeg gave to me. When he slammed me into the ground, that was the last bit of pain I felt.” Haku nodded at this new information.

“Ok then, quick question: if you would, say, die from a rather large stone smashing into your head, would you feel it?”

“Most likely,” Lewdy said, “if that’s all Haku, I really want to get back to throwing my stones at people. I need the closure from... the situation from earlier.” With that, Lewdy turned back to the passing crowds of ponies and once again began hitting each person with a stone. Hey, 3 years had to be spent somehow, and Lewdy had managed to build a sizeable amount of skill at it.

Picking up his stone once again, Lewdy pulled his forehoof back, aiming for a pony a good 300 feet away, but before he threw the stone, he felt his face meeting stone.

Falling to the ground, Lewdy stared into the face of his attacker, Haku. “HAKU?! WHAT THE FUCK?!”

“Words of advice, Lewdy,” Haku began, picking up his stone, “ghost rocks still hurt ghosts, and also...”

Haku dropped his stone.

“Never say Haku is wrong.”

Abigail and Lucky could only stare in shock at the act Haku just pulled off. Within seconds, Lewdy’s broken body disappeared and his live one appeared to Haku’s side. “HAKU?!” Lewdy shouted to Haku, “WHAT... THE... FUCK?!” Haku smiled to his friend. “Huh, that does feel better.”

“Hubba-wha?” Lewdy asked.

“Well, when you said throwing stones at passing people would be fun, Haku thought it might be fun, but it just wasn’t fun if the people weren’t even noticing us, so Haku just thought that maybe Haku would also feel better if maybe someone at least got hurt by Haku. That person, sadly, had to be you. And you want to know what?”

Lewdy raised an eyebrow, as did Loro.

“It’s not as fun to kill a person as it is in video games,” Haku stated cooly.

Lewdy couldn’t help take his turn in glaring at Haku, anger pushing up within him. Lewdy took a couple steps forward, but was once again pelted with stones. Picking himself up, again, Lewdy starred as Chubs picked up his stones. “Sorry Lewdy, lost my grip on my stones. It’s tough to hold onto them with hooves, you know?”

“Haku knows, right? Haku means, how are we even doing this?” Haku asked his chubby companion with a smile and nod. Lewdy could only sigh in despair as he died again for what had to be the 45th time that day.
Watching Lewdy come back to life again, Haku turned away from the stones. After all, if killing Lewdy wasn’t much fun, then there really much left to do. Walking towards one of the remain benches, Haku looked to Abigail and Lucky, murmuring something about taking a nap.

“‘ow the bloody ‘ell is he taking a nap after killing someone?!” Lucky whispered to Abigail, both of whom took a step back when Haku turned to face them with a rather large grin. “Well, Haku guesses you can say that Haku is just,” Haku paused and put on a pair of sunglasses, “Stone Cold.”

‘Nice one Brain,’ Haku thought.

‘No problem.’

Everyone else could only facehoof themselves. “Stone cold this!” Lewdy shouted as he threw a stone at Haku’s face, hitting Haku between the eyes. “He shoots he scores!” Haku heard before landing. Or maybe it was “Revenge is mine!” Haku doesn’t know, Haku was just hit in the head with a stone.

‘This is not good! Brain, status report!’

‘abrojabi kydanajba ohf frozen peas arughioys’

‘Oh that is not good,’ Haku thought before passing out.

Haku awoke on what little grass was still around the area. Picking up his head, Haku met Chubs eyes. “Hey guys,” Chubs shouted, making Haku’s ears scream in pain, “I think he’s waking up!”

“SHUT UP CHUBS!” Haku shouted, “You cause Haku pain with your shouting! And what the hell happened to Haku anyways?”

“Oh, you were throwing stones at passing ponies and you just sorta tripped. Your stone came crashing right back into you,” Lewdy said walking next to Haku, “amazingly, you didn’t die... you lucky bastard.”

Haku grab his head, the pain just now coming back, while trying to get up. “Stay down, you’ve been out for a while,“ Abigail said, “That stone really hit you good.”

“Haku doesn’t believe you!” Haku said pointing to Lucky. “Me?” Lucky asked. Haku shook his head, trying to clear it. “No, Haku doesn’t believe the Lewdy. Haku would never simply trip and hurt himself. Haku blames Lewdy for Haku’s pain.”

Lewdy eyes went wide, “What?! Haku, you tripped mate! You hurt yourself! It wasn’t me!” Haku glared at Lewdy for a moment. “So what, was it ghosts? Haku thinks not.”

Lewdy facehoofed. “Haku... ugh... we are ghosts.”

From somewhere behind them, Loro exclaimed “Los fantasmas?! Yo veo... I see...”

“So you admit it!”

“Ah’m a little worried about askin’ what the ‘ell you’ve all been doing.” A voice said from the edge of the Crossroads. Memphis had broken away from Raeg and Twilight Sparkle at the sounds of shouting. He had a hard frown on his face as he regarded the group like he would a group of children who’d made a mess of a room. He’d seen from down the road the rock fight going on and could only expect that it somehow related to Lewdy’s pastime of throwing rocks at ponies. At least it devolved into having rocks thrown at him, that brought some comfort to the Southerner.

Lewdy didn’t bother to regard Memphis beyond a grumble about death and hellfire that the tan pony didn’t take kindly to. Before he could return the cold glare with a comment of his own Abigail stepped forward and said rather nonchalantly with an obvious amount of sarcasm “Oh nothing special, we’ve just been getting to know each other a little better is all.”

“Ah don’t take sarcasm in this situation right too kindly now Miss Miller, now please if one of ya could just tell me what’s been goin’ on that’d be quite fine.” Memphis said calmly, though his voice did hold an edge of agitation to it that was not present before when he spoke to the group.

Haku was the first to answer with his own exclamation of the events that transpired while they were gone, “Haku was attacked by ghosts!” In response Loro took this moment to facehoof and solemnly shake his head at the unicorn. Memphis did not look amused with the statement, instead he regarded Haku with a very cold look of indifference.

“Y’all are keeping something from me and that’s plain to see. Now spill it, what happened?” Memphis said.

“God damn it what do you think happened? Pinkie Pie walked by the Crossroads earlier.” Lewdy said with a scowl.

Memphis frowned and Twilight took closer attention to what was being say, “Pinkie Pie? She avoids the Crossroads like it was a hornet’s nest. Even then ah don’t see why that matters, she don’t regard us at all.”

Lewdy rolled his eyes, “Yeah well I proposed to Abigail and she just HAD to comment about it,” he said, ignoring the very hostile glare Abigail was giving him.

Loro sighed, “Señorita Pinkie Pie me vio y confundió a mí estar vivo. Un Hippogryph?”

The language was lost on Twilight who could only stare at Loro with a look of utter confusion. Memphis nodded, “I think I understand. She spoke to you and ended up gettin’ you all but what happened next?”

“CHUBS TRIED TO EAT HER” Lewdy shouted and gave a scowl to the pony in question.

“Not ‘efore you went and scared the livin’ daylights out o’ her Lewdy!” Lucky retorted with a vicious look of disapproval.

“I could ‘ave gotten ‘er to stay if someone didn’t try to rape her with his mouth,” Lewdy said, “and where were you when that happened moneybags? I didn’t see you making a move to stop him.”

“I could ‘ave if I wasn’t busy holdin’ you back!” Lucky said angrily back at him.

“Enough! Out o’ both of ya!” Memphis shouted for the first time. Lewdy cast a distasteful glare on Lucky but backed off in compliance to him, he chose instead to point his glare upon the ground again.

“Wait! Are you saying one of you tried to eat Pinkie Pie?” Twilight asked, shocked.

A nod from Abigail confirmed it. Memphis put a hoof to his face, “This day just keeps gettin’ better,” he muttered.

Abigail couldn’t help but picture a nicely woven wicker basket falling into a pit of fire and brimstone. This day was not exactly going well, and dying was shockingly among the least of her worries. It had only been two or three hours since she’d appeared in this strange world of ponies and already she’d dealt with the fact that she was dead and moved on to being annoyed that her afterlife wasn’t as perfect as she might have liked.

Well, it was a pretty terrible afterlife if she had to be around Lewdy for the grand majority of it. And now Memphis was showing some of that hidden side, the part where he was a very angry pony balanced on the edge of exploding in a rage. And now they risked losing Twilight, the only pony who was going to help them for a long while, most likely. If only they didn’t have to deal with Lewdy and Chubs, they could be half way to escaping this little pocket of limbo.

“It’s not as bad as it seems, Twilight.” At this, Abigail received disbelieving looks from every set of eyes in the Crossroads. “Or, well, there’s a decent explanation for it,” she tried again. It didn’t seem to really calm Twilight at all, which was unfortunate. “You see, Lewdy’s been here for three years. Three years during which he couldn’t venture out of this small space.” Lewdy nodded his head sadly, though he didn’t seem to really be that sad at the moment. Lucky, on the other hand, simply seemed shocked that Abigail was defending Lewdy at all. “From in here, we can’t affect anything unless one of the living lets us. He knows that Pinkie loves to throw parties, so when the opportunity for an invitation to one pranced up and said hi, he went a bit crazy.

“That doesn’t, of course, forgive him for what he did. Nor him being an unlikeable person, but being an insufferable cur isn’t a good reason to be imprisoned for so long in near-solitary confinement. And I think there’s just something wrong with Chubs,” said Abigail in a quieter tone, “he honestly doesn’t seem to be able to control himself.” Abigail looked to Twilight to see if her words had any effect; Twilight’s face was an unreadable jumble of outrage, confusion, pity, and a few more that got lost somewhere in between.

Lucky broke the awkward silence first, “We’d like to apologize to ya, miss Twilight,” he certainly knew how to talk to people, and an apology tended to go a long way when the other party was uncertain and you’ve wronged them, “although I can’t speak for Lewdy and Chubs, I will admit I could ‘ave done more to help the situation. I ‘ope you accept my sincere regrets lass.”

“Haku would also like to apologize, for Haku did not think to stop Chubs. Though it was funny to wa--” A hoof struck Haku to stop him before he undid whatever good he had done.

Twilight stared for a second more, “I guess I can sort of understand... Lewdy, was it, but HE,” Twilight gestured to Chubs, “TRIED TO EAT PINKIE? I mean, WHAT? Why would he even do that?”

“Her tail looked delicious,” Chubs mumbled, “like cotton candy. But it wasn’t tasty at all. Just tasted like hair, which isn’t good.” The grey stallion then looked down, more from disappointment at the tasteless hair than in shame. He looked up again, hopefully, “you didn’t bring back anything to eat, did you?”

“No,” said Memphis, “we didn’t bring back any food. Maybe next time, if’n there is one.” He continued to stare daggers at Lewdy; the last thing they needed was more of his antics.

Abigail turned to Twilight, she saw that Raeg was barely able to keep his relatively sweet and kind composure in front of Twilight, so he wouldn’t be helping out for the moment. “Look, Twilight,” she began, “we’re really sorry about what happened. Pinkie seemed petrified just to be passing by, and then things spiraled out of control. We really didn’t mean to frighten her. Will you still help us?”

Twilight stood, considering what had been said. Clearly, at least some of these ponies were crazy, but most of them seemed genuinely good (or at least, not evil). On the other hoof, they’d tried to eat Pinkie Pie. On the other other hoof, this was a great opportunity to write a seminal paper on aetheric studies and otherworldly apparitions. Twilight was nearly starting to consider the correct alliterative title for the book. It’d be leather bound, with gold leaf edging and lettering. The Princess would be so proud of her! On the other, other, other hoof, she didn’t know --

Twilight’s rambling train of thought was violently derailed by a streak of rainbow crashing down in front of her. “All right, which one of you hurt Pinkie, ‘cause you’ve got a whole world of hurt coming your way!” Rainbow Dash glared at each of the gathered ponies in turn. Loro noticed her gaze and kept a stoic demeanor.

Chapter 9: Brave New Equestria

Chapter 9: Brave New Equestria

Lucky knew this situation could get bad really fast so he went in to calm the new arrival before hits were thrown, “now ‘old on there miss, ‘efore you begin a fight just let me say what ‘appened was a giant mistake. Although none of us hurt ‘er, Chubs and Lewdy,” Lucky pointed to each in turn, “did put quite the scare on ‘er. They apologized for it though, the situation got out of hand, it was all an ‘onest accident.”

Lucky had made sure to keep a respectable distance away but was trying frantically to stop the scuffle before it began. Rainbow Dash kept at the offensive though, “well you all still scared my friend! And from what she said, one of you tried to EAT HER!” Dash was edging closer and flaring her wings, anger shown through both her stance and voice.

Lucky began to panic, how do you explain a situation where a pony actually DID try to eat the Pinky Pie’s tail? “Well yes and once again lass we are sorry for scaring ‘er... but. Well, yes Chubs... Chubs did try to munch on the pink ones tail,” Lucky realized he probably just put himself in a bad hole and was continually digging deeper, “but that was a misunderstanding too! He thought the tail was a treat from how fluffy it looked!” His brain was screaming at him to shut up and let someone else talk before this got worse. “Nothing really ‘appened to your friend though! She ran away before Chubs could do more than just eat her tail!” Lucky slapped his mouth with both hooves and hit the ground with a thud...

Rainbow Dash obviously didn’t see the absolute brilliance and charm that radiated from Lucky’s speech and edged closer, “do more than just eat her tail?” She brought her muzzle close to his and looked him straight in the eye, “like what exactly?”

Lucky’s brain sought fit to begin its last desperate plan; spam common sense. ‘Don’t say anything, don’t say anything don’t do it don’t do it!’ but his mouth wasn’t listening, “well ‘e might ‘ave gone to the point of gnawing on her ‘ooves and ‘ead thinking they were chocolate.” ‘Now you’ve done it, that’s it, I’m out.’

Rainbow Dash bashed him once on the head with her front hoof. Lucky saw coins floating in space above his crown and settled with his habit of counting sheep made of money.

Before another blow could be had a tan pony stepped in front of Lucky Money to block the furious Rainbow maned pony from the misspoken pony. The gruff pony gave a sigh, “Now hold on Miss Dash... Ah understand you’re upset and angry but if you’re going to take it out on anyb... anypony let it be me.

“Ah’m sorry for the incident with Pinkie Pie and if she were here I would apologize to her personally as well as get these two to apologize as well. I should ‘ave been here to stop it from happening. Chubs doesn’t understand how things werk here, he’s still confused and ‘erhaps a bit lost, and Lewdy can’t be trusted enough ta not choke on a rock.” Memphis could see out of the corner of his eye the very rude and obscene gesture the green pony gave him with his forehooves.

“Ah wasn’t here and ah apologize for that, ah hold myself responsible fer their actions.” Memphis said solemnly.

Rainbow Dash at first seemed unphased by Memphis and she glared venomously at Chubs and Lewdy. Chubs frowned sadly, a contrast to Lewdy who looked ready to spit from the sentiments Memphis was giving. “That still doesn’t make what they did right! Right now Pinkie Pie refuses to come out of her room because of these two.” she said.

“And ah promise you that ah’ll make it right somehow.” Memphis responded coolly.

“And how exactly do you plan to do that?” Rainbow Dash accused him, shoving a hoof to his chest.

“Ah don’t know yet but ah will, but first we just need Twilight Sparkle’s help.” Memphis said, frowning.

Rainbow Dash drifted back, “Help? What do you mean?” she asked with more than a bit of confusion to her voice. Memphis’ eyes darted to Twilight Sparkle in a silent plea for help.

It was now or never. Biting at her lower lip she still felt stuck in the internal conflict raging in her mind but if she didn’t step in and stop the situation from going any further things might get worse, if that was even possible. “Rainbow, stop,” she said, the argument not resolved but put on hold, “it was an accident. At least I think it was an accident. These ponies truly are sorry about what happened and I’m sure they want to make it right, but right now I need to help them. Its too complicated to explain right now and I will when I can. Right now though, believe it or not, these ponies need my help...”

Chubs had a feeling things were about to get very boring for a while. Already they’d been doing little more than standing around talking for at least ten minutes, and from what he knew about Twilight Sparkle, dull was the name of the game. That and the fact that she smelled like French fries. Back when he’d been human, he had at least 17 Twilight Sparkle toys from his Happy Meal addiction, and he kept several in his pockets at all times so that intoxicating scent would always be close at hand. Oh, he’d also begun watching the show as well after curiosity led him to see where these little marshmallowy ponies had come from, but that was quite secondary to his olfactory interests. Unfortunately, he had a feeling that now wasn’t a good time to test if that aroma held true in this world too, after the way they’d all kept glaring at him earlier. And anyway, those thoughts of salty, oily potato sticks, on top of the constant reminders of Pinkie Pie’s delicious-looking tail, were making him hungry. Well, hungrier. He decided it was time to do something about that.

Paradoxically, considering his size, Chubs had a way of seeping out of the minds of those around him surprisingly quickly when he wasn’t drawing attention to himself through acts of attempted cannibalism. Especially with his new fairly bland color scheme, coupled with the neutral roundness of his pudgy form, fading into the background was as easy as standing still for about 30 seconds. Thus nopony took notice when he began wandering off on his own.

It didn’t much occur to him to wonder exactly how far he could roam before being automatically recalled to the now uncharacteristically crowded Crossroads that had been his home in this world thus far. Had it concerned him enough to give it any actual thought, he might have tried to at least stay within sight, but as analytical thought was a much lower priority than finding some snacks, his meanderings unknowingly took him near the outskirts of the Crossroads’ ill-defined boundaries. Even the inexplicable laws of death seemed to not quite know what to do with Chubs in this border zone, as he faded even more from the awareness of the living, but was not yet forcibly returned to the gathering point from which he’d strayed.

It was in this nebulous region that Chubs’ sights at last focused onto a promising sight: a cart loaded up with apples.

Applejack had had quite a long day. This was certainly nothing unusual for the hard-working farmer pony, but that didn’t mean she was immune to the effects of working since just after sunrise, and she was anticipating her chance to call it quits and relax soon. Fortunately, she was now well into the easiest part of her responsibilities: selling the fruits of her labor to the ponies about town. A large portion of her family’s namesake crop went into the production of cider, pies, and endless other apple-y confections, but there was still a simple satisfaction in eating a nice plain apple sometimes. Thus the Apple family always opened their fruit stand for a few hours toward the end of each workday for any ponies in the mood for a sweet, juicy, crunchy apple.

“I’d like a Gala, please,” came the simple order from a passing customer.

“Right away, Ma’am,” was Applejack’s quick reply as she turned around to fetch the requested fruit. Setting it on the counter, she added, “That’ll be one bit, please.”

After fishing a golden coin from her saddlebags, the customer turned her head back foward. Glancing down to see an empty table, she spoke around the coin in her mouth, “Where’s my apple?”

“Huh? It’s right...” the farmer began as her eyes looked down to find a strangely empty spot in front of her. “Odd, I was sure I’d picked out a nice one fer ya.” Shrugging it off as simply not paying attention, she reached back to grab a new apple. Setting it down as well, she chirped, “Here ya go, Ma’am, enjoy!”

“But I only wanted one apple, not two,” spoke the customer as she set her coin next to the two pieces of fruit.

“What? Where did that...? Ah well, mah mistake, Miss, have the second one on the house.” The two mares smiled politely at each other, and the customer nodded her thanks as she went on her way.

A few moments later, a stallion strolled up to Applejack and requested a Golden Delicious.

The cowpony nodded and retrieved said apple, again setting it on the table. “That’ll be one bit, sir.”

The stallion quickly furrowed his brow as he saw the offered apple. “What kind of business are you running here? That thing’s half eaten!”

“What? How did that get in there?” She quickly scooped up the ruined apple and chucked it into a nearby trash bin, then replaced it with a fresh one. “Ah’m mighty sorry about that. That’s never happened before.”

With a dismissive grunt, the customer turned his head back from his saddlebags, holding a coin in his mouth. As he set it down, he paused to add, “You really ought to toss that thing out, you know. It’s pretty gross,” as he gestured toward the apple chunk sitting on the counter next to his unblemished one.

Absent-mindedly offering her thanks to the departing stallion, she then wondered aloud, “Why is that still there? Ah was sure Ah threw that away already.” Once more she tossed the half-eaten apple into the trash, then stood quietly with a bemused look on her face.

Next another mare trotted over to place an order, snapping the farmer out of her puzzled ruminations. “Can I get a bushel of Granny Smiths?”

“Comin’ right up!” Applejack turned to her baskets of assorted apples, but found a surprising absence of green. “Ah’m sorry Ma’am, it looks like we’re all outta Granny Smiths fer today.”

“What are you talking about? There’s a basket right there,” said the other mare as she raised an eyebrow and pointed a hoof.

“What in tarnation? Ah must be gettin’ tired. Ah was sure that wasn’t there a second ago. Anyway, that’ll be four bits, please.” After receiving the customer’s coins, Applejack took a moment to eye her produce suspiciously. It was unlike her to make mistakes like this, and she wasn’t sure how she could have missed not one, but apparently two full baskets of Granny Smith apples.

Certain these sudden troubles were due to nothing more than simple fatigue after a long day of work, she closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath to collect herself. She reopened her eyes to find that not a single apple remained. “What the hay? Where’d all my apples go?!” Darting her head about rapidly, she searched the area for any traces of bright pink or rainbow colors that might explain the strange events. Seeing no sign of her prankster friends, she faced back toward her fruit stand, and jumped in surprise as she found all her apples in their proper places.

Slowly picking up a Red Delicious with a slightly shaky hoof, she gently lifted it toward her face as her eyes shifted around nervously. Glaring at it thoroughly and giving it a good whiff, she satisfied three of her senses that she was indeed holding a real, solid apple. Clearly it sounded like an apple as well, so that made four. She opened her mouth and leaned forward to take a bite, seeking to remove any last traces of doubt about the fruit’s presence. Just as she bit down, the apple seemed to vanish into thin air right before her eyes.

“What- but- where-?” the farmer sputtered as she slumped to the ground in defeat. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt so confused. A moment later, lying on her back as her eyes drifted heedlessly to the sky, a Red Delicious poofed into the air above her and promptly reasserted its existence, falling squarely upon Applejack’s nose. Blinking twice, she mumbled to herself, “Ah think maybe it’s time ta close up shop fer the day.”

Chubs himself was getting rather annoyed by all this uncooperative fruit anyway as he watched the confused mare stumble away in a daze. No matter how quickly and how much fruit he wolfed down, it gave him no feeling of satiation. They had no taste whatsoever, and seemed to vanish into nothingness as soon as he swallowed them. He’d even managed to inhale the entire collection in one fell swoop at one point, yet it still did nothing to curb his incessant hunger. Giving up on the accursed produce, he trudged off aimlessly once more.

Raeg could only stare at the scene before him. The idiocy of these ponies was quickly pulling him up out of the melancholy he’d been slipping into since his death. It seemed that the beating he’d given Lewdy simply hadn’t done the trick. Though as great as his desire to knock some sense into their heads was, Twilight was still around and he’d long ago promised the princess he’d control himself around her student.

And now the rainbow one was back, shouting something about the ponies harassing her friend. He didn’t find it very surprising that they’d set about digging the hole even deeper the second he was out of sight. While that in itself was aggravating enough as it was, their idiocy was now endangering his prospects of getting a princess damned drink and he simply could not have that. He’d need to keep an eye on Lewdy, maybe even a hoof, preferably around his throat.

Surprisingly, though, Memphis had stepped in and managed to calm Rainbow Dash
down, or perhaps just confuse her, either way his shots at a mug of cider stopped plummeting. He was sure this wouldn’t last long though, he had to do something before these stupid ponies did something else to keep his blood alcohol down. Hadn’t she asked him about any stories he’d had from the northlands? He could probably distract her with something pretty easily, just maybe leave out some of the bloodier details. Half baked plan in mind, he trotted over to Rainbow Dash.

“Hey kid,” he grumbled.

The cyan pegasus turned around, surprised. “Imperious?” she asked. “What’re you doing here? Still hangin’ out with Twilight?”

“Uhh, yeah, sure. But since you’re here again I figured we could get to know each other before tonight.” ‘Please say no, please say no, please say no.’ he thought to himself.

“Sure, that sounds great!” she said, perking up.

‘Shit.’

“Well what do you wanna know?” he asked, subtly starting to walk them away from the group.

Rainbow hummed thoughtfully to herself. Glancing back at Twilight, she thought of something perfect. Rubbing her forehooves together conspiratorially, she asked “So you’ve known Twilight since she was a filly in Canterlot, right?”

“Er, yes?” he said, growing suspicious of the pegasus.

“So you must have tons of dirt on her, right?”

“What?” he deadpanned.

“Uh, well, I mean you must have a lot of funny stories about her, right?”

Deciding they were far enough away from the rest of the ponies, Raeg thought back to his days as Twilight’s bodyguard. He’d been mortified when the princess assigned him and his men to guard her rather than allow them to return to the north. He’d hated foals, even before his deal with Discord he found them insufferable. But thankfully, Twilight had never been a normal filly.

“Honestly? I’ve got next to nothing on her. She was always a quiet, studious filly. We talked a fair amount, though in my years there she only ever once asked me for anything.”

“Really? What’d she ask for?” Rainbow inquired.

“Well, she’d been practicing some spell all day, I have no idea what it was, but eventually she ran out of things to test it on. She asked me if I could get her something metal to try it on. Lucky for me a palace maintenance pony was passing by so I swiped a wrench from him and gave her that. I guess she managed to make her spell work on that wrench and she was so happy that she gave it to me when she finished.”

“She gave you a wrench?” Rainbow asked, raising an eyebrow. “What’d her spell even do?”

“I couldn’t tell you the specifics, but the nearest I can guess is that she enchanted it with some kind of lightning field.” Raeg explained.

“Lightning? I guess that sounds kind of cool.” Rainbow remarked.

“Well, you know how the war began with gryphons infiltrating the palace?” he asked.

Rainbow nodded. “Yeah, everypony knows about that. They were trying to kidnap somepony, right?”

“Yeah, that somepony was your friend.” he said.

“What?” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “Why would they wanna hurt Twilight?”

“Because of how close she was to Cel- er, the princess. They couldn’t ever hurt her directly, she’s a goddess, so they aimed at the pony she cared about the most.”

“That’s horrible! Did... did they do anything to her?” she asked with some trepidation.

“Of course not!” Raeg exclaimed. “She had nine of the most seasoned veterans of the 501st guarding her! It would’ve taken Discord himself to get to her.”

“Wait, nine?” she asked. “But I heard there were over three dozen gryphons.”

Raeg grinned wickedly. “Yes, there were. I used the wrench Twilight gave me to thin their numbers out a little. Turns out lightning, blunt force trauma, and feathers don’t mix very well.”

Rainbow’s eyes widened at his statement. “You beat all of those gryphons?” she asked in awe. “With only a wrench?”

Raeg nodded. “I promised the princess that I’d die before any harm came to Twilight, I don’t break promises.”

“Wow, you guys took on all those guys just for Twilight? That’s... that’s really loyal.” Rainbow said.

“Loyalty above all else, that’s what it means to be a royal guard.” he said. “The 501st are... were the most loyal of all the princess’s guards. There’s a reason we were called Celestia’s Hoof.”

While Raeg distracted Rainbow Dash, the rest of the group closed in and talked quietly, growing more comfortable as Raeg and Dash walked away from the main group. “Look,” Twilight said, “I don’t know exactly what’s going on, but I’ve seen enough to know you are ghosts. Or some other sort of undead, but not zombie ponies.” The purple mare shook her head at the remembrance of Spike’s crazy theories. The eyes of the other gathered ponies lit up as Twilight talked; she was coming over to their side.

“On the other hoof,” Twilight continued as everyone’s hearts sank like stones, “I can’t find a single reference to anything like this ever happening. None of my books say anything about it and I won’t be able to travel to Canterlot for quite a while. So I want to do more research on you all,” Memphis winced at the thought and Twilight blushed a little upon seeing it. “And, since Princess Celestia is going to be coming to Ponyville in a week, I can’t have the place getting ruined like last time,” Twilight shivered and muttered something about Parasprites, “so I don’t know if inviting you out until then is a good idea. Surely a week isn’t too much longer to wait?”

Lewdy’s tail was already pinned to the ground by Lucky Money, but after what Twilight had said, Loro and Abigail joined in to restrain the more-than-half-crazed pony. Memphis, noting that the situation was under control, spoke.

“Miss Sparkle, if’n all yer worried about is us bein’ misbehaved ‘n the like, ya could jus not allow us to damage the town. The invitations we get out o’ this place ‘re fairly literal, permission based affairs. So, if ya invited us very specifically, we would be bound to not break anything.” Memphis smiled a little, perhaps it edged onto a smirk. Behind it, though was a combination of extreme joy and unparalleled worry. It seemed that they’d be getting out of this hellhole, but so much rode on Twilight’s decision right now.

“Oh, really? So if I invited you to come to my Library and help me organize it alphabetically and by the Dewy Decimare System you’d have to?” After a moment, Twilight realized what she had asked and that she had asked it out loud, “NotthatIwoulddothat!” she blurted out, blushing furiously.

“Well’n, we could always refuse the invitation, but in theory yes. That’d be how it works.”

“In that case, I, Twilight Sparkle, formally invite all of you: Memphis, Lewdy, Abigail, Imperious, Lucky Money, Loro, and Haku, to Ponyville and to visit its sights as living, breathing ponyfolk as long as you are all well behaved and treat the citizens of Ponyville and any other ponies with kindness and respect!”

Every pony in the area turned to Twilight, most with expressions of joy, while one rainbow-maned mare just stared with confusion. In their distraction, Abigail, Lucky, and Loro lost their grip on Lewdy as he bounded at Twilight. “THANK YOU, YOU BEAUTIFUL NERD,” he shouted as he tackled Twilight in a hug. To everyone’s surprise, it was the least offensive thing he’d done all month. Even so, the group quickly reacted by pulling him off. “Food,” Lewdy said excitedly, “I need food. Haven’t had food in months! Let’s go to the market!” With that, he sprinted towards the market.

Memphis called to the group, “We’d better stop ‘im before he goes an’ get himself sent back ‘ere, Miss Sparkle, could ah possibly borrow a few bits?”

Twilight, who was still quite stunned from the outflow of emotion from the stallion, gave up a small hoof-full of coins. “Here, just... just pay me back soon.”

“Thank ye, kindly.” He then sped off after Lewdy, followed Lucky Money who went more out of a desire to see the town than to help the cause.

Abigail started after the group, but decided against it. Lewdy could get himself sent back to the Crossroads for all she cared, and she didn’t want to be associated with whatever shenanigans were about to ensue. Instead, she joined Raeg and Rainbow Dash as they walked over to Twilight to help her back to her feet.

Meanwhile, Loro and Haku watched the action. “Wait,” said Haku, “food? Aren’t we missing someone? Haku demands to know where Chubs went!”

Loro simply scoffed, “pfft, I don’t want to see his muy gordo ass any more than I have to. Makes me want to vomit,” while he kept watching intently.

Chapter 10: Nutcracker Ballet

Chapter 10: Nutcracker Ballet

Twilight was up on her hooves shortly, rubbing her head where it had struck the ground; that ‘Lewdy’ sure was stronger than he looked. Or Twilight was just not very strong, either option was possible. She shot a confused look at Haku and Loro, “Chubs? There’s another one of you? What do they loo--”

“Wait, isn’t that the guy who tried to eat Pinkie? I don’t see why we should even think about helping him after what he did to her,” said Rainbow Dash as she hung in the air in front of Twilight Sparkle.

Consternation flashed briefly on Twilight’s face, “Even so, we aren’t in a position to pass judgement on him. I think we should still help him and figure out what to do about... that later.”

“But he’s not here nowww,” said Rainbow Dash. “So I don’t see why we have to wait for him here. Can’t we go to the bar now and come back for him later?”

Raeg’s ears perked up at this suggestion, “I like the sound of that idea. Let’s head to the bar now, and we can free the slobbering behemoth later.”

Abigail and Loro effectively cut one another off in support of the plan. Twilight looked around the group for help. She knew leaving the other pony to stay in the place wasn’t right, but he wasn’t here now and no one knew when he would get back. Plus, it seemed none of the others cared to help him. “But he’s your friend, isn’t he? I mean, you were all working together to overcome your situation. That has to bring you together, doesn’t it? Besides, how can you all go out drinking now? It‘s barely,” she checked the position of the sun in the sky, “three in the afternoon! Do you know what type of people go out drinking at this time? Plus, you don’t have money or jobs or places to stay!”

“That,” said Loro, “is a muy bueno point. I do not like the idea of digging into debt just yet.”

“Psshh, I can cover you guys for today. And the boarding house always has rooms to let. They’ll probably even let you stay for a bit while you get your hooves down. Besides, there’re always odd jobs you can get around town.” Rainbow had grown impatient. Twilight was being a stick in the mud, which was normal, but today she was doing it to help somepony that had hurt Pinkie Pie. Plus, there were stories to be had, and Rainbow finished all of her work for the day hours ago. Plus, the weird beaked pegasus seemed neat too, he had a cool accent, at least.

“Thank you, kid. I’m in just the right mood to have somepony buy me a few drinks. I’ll see you later, then, Twilight Sparkle. Once you have the immoveable object, meet us wherever it is Rainbow Dash is taking us so we can figure out what we’ll do about money and the like,” Raeg turned to leave. He was promptly followed by Rainbow Dash, while Loro, Abigail, and Haku followed less hastily.

“Uggggh! Fine,” said Twilight, “go. I’m going to just wait here for the last one to show up alone then!” She put on airs as she trotted to the nearest bench in the Crossroads to wait.

Haku stopped following the group and saw Twilight huff off, he knew that he’d just been given a golden opportunity! He could spend time alone with Best Pony! Haku would kick himself every instant of every second for ever if he passed up the chance. “Actually, Haku thinks it would be fun to wait here for Chubs instead. You go on without Haku and Twilight Sparkle. We will join you with our large companion in due time.”

Something in Haku’s voice, or perhaps the glint (a literal glint, mind you; Abigail could nearly swear she heard something as well) in his eye, set off warning bells in Abigail’s mind. As much as she wanted to get some wonderful alcohol flowing through her system, she couldn’t just let the fanboy alone with his idol. “Actually... I think I’ll stay here too. I want to ask Twilight about a few things, anyway, and now seems the best time. Chubs should be back soon anyway, so there’s no real loss.” Her sentence ended wistfully enough to completely invalidate the whole thing. Even so, she broke off from the ‘fun party with delicious alcohol’ group to join the ‘awkwardly wait around for the creepy ball of fat’ group. She’d need an extra drink later.

I swear to God when I catch that idiot I’m knocking more ‘an a few teeth out of his skull, Memphis angrily thought as he prowled around the marketplace in search of the bright green coat of the idiot in question. Lewdy had gotten a head start and was quick to get lost in the technicolor crowd of ponies that meandered about the marketplace, attracted by the discounts and pitches by merchants sitting behind their stands. So far it was only him and Lucky Money who had gone in search of the fool. Turning to the Irish pony Memphis spoke quickly, “We best split up and look fur him before he goes and destroys the place.”

With a calm eye Memphis scoured the crowd, searching for Lewdy but at the same time taking in the amazing sights before him. Since he left behind the mortal realm he hadn’t been able to take part in this new and colorful world. For the longest time he was just a bystander, a ghost in the workings of this place, but now he was seen and part of this brand new land of color. As he walked ponies passed him by with smiles, nods, and cheerful hellos that he never received even in life. It was daunting to put it simply, part of him wanted to just forget about Lewdy and his stupid antics so he could explore the market on his own. There especially was one pony in particular he wanted to meet, he’d been curious to see how amazing her apples were. Then again without eating anything in the past three years any food would be like heaven.

Perhaps Lewdy was right in being excited, finally being able to experience the world, but he was still an idiot, and in that regard that made it quite likely he’ll make things worse than it ever should be. As if the universe wanted to confirm the musician’s pondering the sound of outrage nearby caught his twitching ear. Turning the corner the outrage became apparent.

“If you don’t have any bits, how do you expect to pay for all those!” the crossed merchant asked the green pony. The pony’s answer was to simply eat another handful of cherries, pit and all, in front of the merchant’s face.

Between muffled chewing and the splattering cherry juice with each syllable Lewdy answer, “Oh yeah... that... me mate ‘ll be ‘round to ‘andle... all that... business.” Taking the other mass of cherries cradled in his right arm he chomped down upon them, sending yet another spray of cherry juice in all directions, including in the merchant’s face.

Memphis trotted over, hoping to intervene before the situation got any worse, “There ya are, what in gawd’s name do-”

“Ah there’s me mate! Uh, Memphis pay the pony will ya? I gotta go check out that candy cart nearby!” Lewdy happily said after managing to inhale the entire pile of cherries. Before Memphis could object the pony was away again, carrying his haul of pilfered cherries.

“Hey, get back here! Lewdy!” Memphis angrily called out to the fleeting green blur. He took a step forward but a rough tap on his shoulder stopped them.

The merchant cleared his throat and glared at Memphis, “That’ll be twenty bits for the cherries your friend ate!”

“Twenty bits? Ain’t that a bit much, yer sign there says a dozen for five!” Memphis said, trying his best to keep his cool.

“Yeah well the demand went up after your pal just ate half my stock.” The merchant smugly replied, feeling confident that he had Memphis by the ropes.

Memphis though wasn’t in the mood to be taken advantage of. Trying his best to keep the biting venom in his voice at bay he spoke calmly but in a tone that made it clear he wasn’t going to be bending anytime soon, “how about this, Ah pay you ten bits fur the cherries and y’all be thankful fur the business wit’ that sort of attitude ya treat yer customers wit’.” Tossing the borrowed bits onto the counter Memphis glared back at the merchant. The hefty pony frowned nervously and nodded, swiping the bits into his bit bag in the process.

Satisfied, Memphis rushed after Lewdy, the fool had mentioned something about a candy cart. Quietly Memphis had to wonder if maybe it was run by Bon-bon, if the fanbase held any truth behind that, that is.To his surprise, his assumption was right. Sitting behind a partially eaten cart was an exasperated pony with a pale yellow coat and a curly blue and pink mane. After some profuse apologies and paying for what Lewdy devoured the pony was off again with very few of Twilight’s bits left. It was going to be a pain to pay back the librarian but the bits most definitely came in handy for fixing a potentially bad situation of debt.

Trotting around the market the slowly growing dread of not finding any sign of Lewdy crept into Memphis’ mind. So far he’d found no partially eaten carts or raided stands as he thought he would. The reason for that came with the sound of giggling nearby, a stark contrast to the previous sound of an angry rant. In between the fits of giggling a familiar voice spoke. Frowning hard Memphis approached the sound, and finding a break in the crowd Memphis caught sight of the pony he’d been hunting, leaning against a simple wooden fence with a suave smile plastered on his face as he gazed longingly to the three mares on the other side.

Memphis didn’t know the names of many background ponies that the fanbase gave, he didn’t exactly care to associate himself with other ‘bronies’ as they were called. He did recognize the three mares from a number of episodes as Rose, Daisy, and Carrot Top. they stood out quite a bit from the rest of the average ponies after all with their trademark cutie marks that pretty much shouted what their jobs were.

“Oh yeah, me accent is quite fetching isn’t it? Course not so fetching as you gals. You all are looking quite good today might I say. What’s that? First time I’ve met you all? Well I’d say I wouldn’t want it to be the last if you three always look this lovely.” Lewdy spoke happily, a stupid smile still playing at his lips as he tried to work his charm.

Memphis couldn’t help but roll his eyes as he stalked over to Lewdy who remained unaware of the tan pony’s encroachment until it was too late. Turning lazily to the sound of approaching steps, Lewdy’s smile widened when he saw who it was. “Memphis! There ya are mate, been wondering where you’ve gone off to. Memphis, these fine gals are Rose, Daisy, and Carrot Top. Gals, this is a... well this is Memphis. He’s rather uninteresting compared to me but I give ‘im the time of day ‘nd such.”

“Uh huh,” Memphis said, very unamused. Turning to the three mares he tipped an imaginary hat in greeting, “Ladies,” he said curtly. Quickly his attention went back to the stallion, “alright Lewdy, ya had yer fun. Now we need ta get back to the others.”

Lewdy scoffed and replied sardonically, “Those losers? Please, don’t make me laugh, I got more interesting things to vigorously do. Like these three-”

“Okay we’re done here,” Memphis quickly said as he bit Lewdy’s tail and dragged him off the fence. Lewdy, caught unprepared, quickly fell to the ground and was dragged away from the three giggling mares.

“Hey! I wasn’t gonna do nuthin’! And careful of the teeth, I’m not into that sort of stuff! Well I could be but that’s more for closed doors!” Lewdy cried out as he was dragged away.

After deciding it was best for the two to split up, Memphis left Lucky in a sea of ever-so-busy shoppers. Lucky was frightened by the prospect of being lost among the ponies at first, but then the businessma-...pony kicked in and he began to see the technicolor mess with a much different perspective. He saw the savings, he saw the purchases, he saw the expressions of each customer as they trotted up and bought their respective wares. He gave a smirk as he realized he found his place of belonging; a place purely of transaction. He weaved through the plethora of equine and eventually spotted what he assumed was the Apple family’s cart.

Before he got closer, though, a sound of outrage could be heard among the crowd. He looked about himself but saw no sign of the commotion and it only seemed to be the usual battle of customer versus proprietor. Even this left a smile upon his face and left his mind in wondering, for he could remember the days where he was but a businessman himself sitting behind ye olden desk, selling fake rolex watches near the local potato farm... times were hard. But he shook himself out of his state of nirvana when he saw that the old distance between himself and the apple cart had disappeared in his trance. But what he saw made him stop in his tracks. The cart was empty of produce and owner alike, and there didn’t seem to be a customer around. Lucky scanned the environment and found nothing to help him piece together this puzzle. ‘Now what would ‘ave made this one close up shop early,’ his mind asked the obvious question that had no obvious answer.

Lucky decided nothing more could be gained from snooping around abandoned stalls and set out in a random direction in hopes of events finally cropping up and adding color to his day. From this direction he found his way into a small group of stalls all dedicated to selling pre-made food. He saw a few common choices among the group; ice-cream, sandwiches, churros. But he also noticed each one had a look of fright and bewilderment about them. The one with ice-cream seemed to be in the fetal position and sucking his hoof. Lucky trotted up and nudged the traumatized pony but seemed to get no answer from him. He scanned the stalls to find the calmest pony and found him at the sandwich stand, he surprisingly looked like nothing had happened.

Lucky walked up to the businesspony and gave a small tip of the nonexistent hat
before addressing him, “‘ello there sir, I‘ve noticed a bit of ‘ysteria runnin’ throughout ye group of stalls. Would you ‘appen to know the cause?”

The pony gave a shake of his head and answered to the best of his ability, “Well everything seemed to start off normal; bright sunny day, we all set up shop and set about the usual business banter... but then something weird happened to churro guy.” Lucky could tell the pony was weirded out by this occurrence, he had that look about his eye.

Lucky pressed further on, hoping to find the probable culprit behind the disappearance of the apple business's presence in the market, “‘ow weird?”

The pony’s eyes darted to and fro the recently vacated street and he leaned in to whisper. Lucky met him halfway and perked his ears. “His food started vanishing in mid air! Just like that, it would be gone one second and then reappear the next as if nothing happened. We all saw it, his customers saw it. He would be holding a churro in his hoof and then it would be gone, or just have a bite mark in it. Then it would return. Most customers ran away or dismissed it as a prank, but we knew it wasn’t; churro guy wouldn’t do that.”

Lucky meditated on this information and a memory sprang into his mind of the group back at the crossroads. He remembered how Lewdy mentioned you can still walk from the crossroads while in your ghostly form, and that nothing you did really affected the ponies. But they could still throw rocks and have it bring semi-physical results. He put two and eating disorder together and formed a somewhat obvious conclusion, “Chubs.”

The stall owning pony raised an eyebrow at this, “what was that?”

“O’, nothing, now what else ‘appened?”

The pony continued, “well ice-cream guy was next. His stuff seemed to go faster then the rest, but it came back all the same. And then candy apple guy, and even pear guy, albeit his merchandise disappeared at a slower rate.”

Lucky’s mind took this information and reaffirmed his theory, ‘Yep, Chubs.’

“Poor ice-cream guy took it the hardest, I don’t think he’ll be ready to sell anything for the rest of the day. Funny thing though, my stuff wasn’t even touched... why do you think that would be?”

Lucky snapped out of his thoughts and gave a shake of his head, “I wouldn’t know it lad, but I suggest ya guys just continue about ye business and hopefully this won’t ‘appen again. Did ya ‘appen to see a... well very fat pony come this way?”

Sandwich guy’s head tilted slightly back in thought, he even brought his hoof up to tap his chin. After what seemed like an eternity of tapping, he spoke again, “well I think I might have. Somepony buying some lunch might jog my memory.” His eyes flared that devilish business smile that comes up when the person/pony thinks they have a sale in the bag.

Lucky plastered his trademark smile upon his face and looked the pony in the eye, “well now. Would somepony telling the rest of the group that ye are the one whose been scaring away their business jog your memory. ‘ow about I start with ice-cream guy?”

The pony’s face paled and he gave a forced chuckle, “hehe, that’s just silly talk... um, ok I saw the one you’re talking about walk through this alley and then off to carousel boutique. I don’t remember how long he stayed here or what he’s planning on doing, but just please keep your voice down about this. If anypony suspects somepony things might get ugly.”

Lucky kept his smile but this time it was real, “Thank ya kindly, fellow businesspony” With that, Lucky was off. He needed to find this “Carousel Boutique” and he needed to find Chubs. Considering the mental scarring the pony has inflicted upon these stall owners, he didn’t want the same to break out in an actual store. That, and he vaguely remembered something about Haku mentioning a fashion diva pony that resembled a marshmallow... he did not want to see the results of the two’s meeting.

Calm, yet piercing, violet eyes scanned the crowd again for any sign of the pony in a monocle. Reluctantly, an annoyed Lewdy laid forth his endless rant of whining despite Memphis’ multiple attempts to get him to shut up.

“Seriously mate, that last kick I think cracked a rib!” Lewdy said, rubbing at the spot where he was quite sure the damage was done.

Memphis merely grunted, he knew far too well that he didn’t put near enough force to break a bone, unless of course Lewdy was made out of glass, which was very much a possibility in the southern pony’s mind. He rather didn’t care in either case. His prime concern, now that he had the green havoc under control for the time being, was to make sure the Irish businesspony was alright, or rather more importantly that he wasn’t causing trouble. Obviously Lucky Money was much more trustworthy than the lustful pony that trailed behind him but Memphis had to remind himself Lucky was in a new world with new rules and barely any knowledge about it. He might very well do something that might be construed as misanthropic...misequuthropic? In any case something that Memphis very much wanted to avoid until he was sure everyone could handle themselves so he could sit back and not give a damn anymore.

Lewdy as well, between his rambling complaints, had an eye out for the bright yellow coat of the stallion with the money cutie mark but even he had to admit he wasn’t doing a very good job of keeping an eye out for their friend, he found his eyes kept wandering to the plots of passing mares. He’d long since decided he very much liked this clothless world. It was by chance he spotted a row of shell shocked merchants. “Huh, I don’t remember ever gettin’ the chance to hit this side of the market yet.” Lewdy absently said as he stared across at one Churro merchant who particularly looked like he’d seen a ghost.... wait a second.

Lewdy stopped and looked to the other merchant, an ice cream vendor, and a vacant stand that once had such an array of apples. “Hey Memphis?”

“What?” the exasperated pony asked as he too stopped to regard the scene.

“Do ya remember if Chubs was wit’ us at the Crossroads when Twilight came around?” Lewdy asked, a tint of worry injected into his voice.

At the mention of Chubs, Memphis’ exasperation disappeared as his eyes went wide with worry, “Oh boy, that ain’t good.”

“I, uh, think we should go look into that.” Lewdy said with a slight snicker as he saw the comedy in their growing situation. Count on Chubs to cause a scene even when he was still dead.

Memphis nodded, “Yeah. That we should.”

The two approached the only merchant who still had his wits with him, one that apparently sold delectable pre-made sandwiches that set Lewdy’s mouth watering again. The sudden thought of the very good chance Chubs had already ingested them all at least once in his ghostly stomach before they reappeared quickly stitched the stallion’s mouth shut again, with any thought of eating now gone.

Clearing his throat to get the merchant’s attention Memphis spoke, “uhm, Ah don’t suppose you’ve gone an’ seen a rather hefty sort o’ stallion cross yer path have ya? Be grey in coat wit’ a blond mane?”

The merchant’s answer was to first quickly dart his eyes around at any surrounding customers and then quickly saying, “I already told your friend I saw ‘im go towards Carousel Boutique, alright? Now could just leave me alone? You two and that other pony are bothering my business.”

“Much obliged,” Memphis said. Heeding the merchant’s wishes the two set off again in the direction they assumed was Carousel Boutique. Memphis did wonder though what exactly Chubs was thinking, going to a clothes store of all things. He’d probably notice at this point that he would be disappearing faster now that he was moving away from the Crossroads, so why go to a boutique instead of Sugarcube Corner or staying in the marketplace? The sharp sound of snickering next to him broke his train of thought.

“So sounds like ole Irish Betty is on the same track as us, eh?” Lewdy said between his breaks of laughing.

“Good man followin’ up on Chubs, best not to leave the fella unattended considerin’ the stunt he done pulled with Pinkie Pie.” Memphis replied.

“Yeah, no clue what he was thinkin’ tryin’ to eat ‘er mane. Course I gotta wonder what’s possessed that greasy garbage disposerl to go see Rarity. Not like she’s got food. Well not countin’ that online joke that... everyone.... OH SHIT!”

The sudden outburst, as well as the loud curse that no doubt bled the ears of some nearby ponies, startled Memphis. Scowling he turned to Lewdy,” What the ‘ell’s wrong with you?! Goin’ an’ shoutin’ like that!”

Lewdy ignored the abrasion in the other pony’s voice but quickly explained, “On the internet there used to be this joke about Rarity bein’ a marshmallow!”

Memphis gave the colt a perplexed look, “A what?”

Shaking his head Lewdy went on, “I never got a good hold on the joke meself but that’s not the point! Rarty. Marshmallow. Chubs!”

The implications struck Memphis harder than a freight train going downhill. Without thinking he too shouted both their thoughts, “AH HELL!”

With the Carousel Boutique in sight the two made a mad dash for the entrance, hoping to God and Celestia’s might that nothing has happened yet.

“Hey Captain, you mind if we stop by Sugarcube Corner before we hit up the Cider House?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Pinkie Pie seemed really shaken up earlier and I wanna go check in on her.”

“Long as I get some damned cider in my system I don’t really care,” he rumbled.

“Don’t worry, I promise it won’t take too long. We just need to get her out from under the bed and we’ll be on our way.” she said.

“Mhm.” he grumbled. “So what was it that scared her so much?”

“I don’t really know, she didn’t say much.” Rainbow explained. “Something about a fat pony trying to eat her and a crazy green pony yelling at her a whole lot.”

Raeg sighed in irritation. “That would be Chubs and Lewdy. They’re complete idiots, but they’re harmless. Lewdy in particular, I killed that little fuck at least four times in the past three hours.”

“What?” she asked. “You did what to him?”

“What? Oh right, we never did tell you about our little predicament, did we?” he asked.

“Tell me what?” Rainbow asked. “Come on, what’s up with you guys?”

“Nothing much, it just turns out we’re all dead.” he said matter-of-factly.

Rainbow Dash gave him a strange look. “What are you talking about? You really expect me to believe that?”

Raeg shrugged. “I could kill myself right now if that would prove it to you.”

Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Alright fine, don’t tell me then, but you don’t have to be a smart-ass about it.”

“Hey, I’m just telling you what I’ve been told.” he said. “It makes more sense than anything else I can think of. One minute I’m dying with my men up in the northlands and the next I’m here in the ass end of nowhere.”

“Hey! Ponyville isn’t nowhere!” Rainbow yelled indignantly.

Raeg shrugged again. “Well it’s no Royal Palace, that’s for sure.”

“Pfft, Canterlot’s not that great.” Rainbow shot back. “Too many hoity toity fancy pants ponies there.”

“I met those two once.” Raeg muttered. “Hated them both.”

“What’re you-” Rainbow stopped as she realized what she said. “Oh right, hehe.”

“But yeah, I have to concede to you there, Canterlot does suck for the most part. Nothing to really do but go see the Wonderbolts Derby. But even then you’re friggin surrounded by all those high class types.”

“Oh my gosh!” Rainbow all but yelled. “You like the Wonderbolts too?”

“Yyyyes?” Raeg said, not at all liking the look on her face.

“Awesome! I’ve met the Wonderbolts, ya know!” she said, puffing her chest out in pride.

“Yeah, same.” he muttered. “I’ve escorted the princess to a few derbies in the past and they always come talk with her after, they’re alright, I guess.”

“Oh man, you met them?” she said getting up in his face. “Did they say anything about me?”

Raeg growled and pushed her away. “This was nearly a decade ago, kid, you were probably just a filly.”

“Oh.” she said, looking a little abashed. “Well d’ya think you could put in a good word for me next time you see them?”

Raeg sighed and shook his head. “I was just a guard, they probably wouldn’t even remember me.”

Rainbow snickered. “I feel like you’d be a hard pony to forget.”

“Oh?” he growled. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Uh.” Rainbow stammered, casting about for an excuse. “You’re... really big?”

“Uh huh.” he said. “Whatever.”

“Right so... Oh! Looks like we’re here!”

“Finally, let’s get this over with so I can get a damned drink.” he sighed.

“Hey, aren’t you worried about your friends at all?” she asked.

“They’re not my friends,” he said. “And no, I’m not. Really, what could possibly go wrong?” Rainbow turned to him slowly and slapped her hoof to her face. For as little as she’d read, even she knew you never said those words.

Whilst Rainbow Dash and Raeg were discussing their past as well as their fanaticism towards the Wonderbolts, Loro was simply taking in the sights and sounds of Ponyville. To be more specific, taking in the sights and sounds of an area for Loro meant finding possible ways to earn money, legally or otherwise. He really did not care whether or not Twilight would approve, for he already figured that out. She pretty much agreed with him anyway. It was her fault. He walked onward following Raeg and RD, staying silent all the while.

He noticed ponies buying and selling food and pretty much whatever basic goods a life form would need. He mentally noted each customer of every stall and every vendor at that. He tried to guess what some of these ponies were like, and if they might require his services. He was formulating a covert delivery route when he heard a small voice from somewhere outside his periphery.

“Mommy what is that?!” and Loro turned his beaked countenance towards the source of the sound. It was a small light purple unicorn filly with a blonde mane. Next to the filly was a grey, blonde mare with a strange pair of eyes and a confused look on her face. He could not tell if she was staring at him as well. Loro sighed internally. Why have I been given a conspicuous form such as this? I do not enjoy being gaped at like a circus animal. He fanned his wings slightly, out of a kind of reflex. At least I have these wings. The strange-eyed mare turned her head towards the filly and said “I have no idea!” and smiled to herself.

The filly eyed her mother, slightly disappointed. Oh goddamnit. How do they not know what a ...? Wait. He seemed to know the grey mare and her filly. Holy shit. Is... Is that her? Loro’s eyes began to twinkle and his beak turned upwards in a smile. Jesus titty cinnamon, I cannot believe my eyes. His wings flared suddenly and began throbbing. Wait. I mustn’t lose my cool, nor lose sight of my goals. Whatever those are. Loro cleared his throat and rolled his r’s tentatively to prepare for the onslaught of spanish he was going to unleash towards the beauteous grey mare.

“Ah mi dios usted yegua atractiva, como por mucho que quisiera conseguir eso por detras, tengo que seguir estos dos y es enredado en sus sandeces tension sexual. ”
Loro grinned and motioned towards the two pegasi leading the little ensemble they had. Derpy looked at him strangely (which is saying something.) Loro scratched his chin and shrugged. Raeg and RD looked at him inquisitively. Some of the ponies browsing the markets began to stare at this strange foreign creature. Loro did not notice, for Loro was having too much fun to stop talking. No one can understand me, so I’ll talk as much shit as possible about these two. Well, that one in particular... “Significo, como maldito, Raeg debe tener un pene tan pequeño para conseguir que loco sobre algo.”

Raeg, at the mention of his name, looked at Loro with a hint of anger in his eyes. Loro stared back at him, and looked around to realize that he had made a spectacle of himself and his companions. Well shit. This friendly atmosphere has made me a bit less lax on keeping myself on the low. And maybe this is because the blood in my head went down to my... Well, whatever time to get moving I guess. He looked back at the confused grey mare and blew a kiss with his claws. “Debo ir ahora. ¡Te quiero Derpy! Y yo también adoro Pequeñita, aunque no de la misma manera!” and he joined Rainbow Dash and Raeg once more, his wings still erect.

Turns out that finding a store in the middle of a town you have no knowledge of whatsoever is actually kinda hard. Lucky turned this way and that for what seemed like hours, but only passed for about a minute. He remembered passing a building resembling something Hansel and Gretel would be hostage in and then slamming head first into a giant tree-made-house. He was about to give up and start slamming his rich head into a nearby wall when he noticed a building that looked something out of a mix of structure and fabulosity. But what caught his eye was not only the construct itself, but the giant blob of a grey pony that was shuffling its way through the door.

Lucky smiled like a maniac; he had found the ghost of Thanksgiving dinner. Breaking into a mad gallop, Lucky assaulted the ground with his hooves and dashed to the boutique with all his might. He passed several ponies, each one giving an equal “the fuck?” look before turning about their business, and managed to overturn three potted plants before finally making it to the front door of the shop. Lucky took a moment to settle his hair, adjust his monocle and calm his breaths before pushing open the door and glancing inside.

The merchandise itself was a huge glaring sign of “Fashion Diva!”, for it was entirely made up of eye blinding outfits. When his eyes settled on the set piece of the stage in the center of the shop he gawked; the suit was a white material almost entirely covered in jewels. ‘’ubba ‘ubbity watw’ow’eregemsmoneymoneymoneygoldMONEY!’ was about the sanest thing that crossed his mind at the sight. He almost missed the proprietor herself who had trotted over by him and made an obviously practiced welcome, “welcome to Carousel Boutique, where every garment is chic, unique and magnifique!”

Lucky mentally slapped himself into a speakable state and then gave a reply, “thank ya ma’am, it’s good to see a fellow businesspony with such ‘igh standards. ‘ate to ask, but would you ‘ave ‘appened to chance by a rather large pony lately? Grey fur and not particularly bright?”

The fashionista gave a slight shake of the head but seemed to have gained an excited curiosity about her, “well no I can’t say I have seen anypony like that lately. But I’m sure if you look around town enough you’ll find him, it’s a small community after all. By the way, what is that dear accent of yours? Sounds quite different than the norm around here.”

Lucky expelled a held in breath at hearing the absence of Chubs, but continued on to answer the pony’s question, “well this accent be Irish lass, and ya would be right to say it’s not from here. I don’t think ya would be meeting any holders of it outside of me.”

The pony’s curiosity seemed to boost from his words, “eye-rish? Well that sounds like a curious little thing, ah well, not my place to be nosey. You’re welcome to have a look around incase anything catches your fancy.”

“I believe I will lass,” Lucky placed his monocle within his hoof and held it out so she could see, “I am quite the procurer of expensive trinkets.”

Rarity had stopped registering what he said at about the same time her fabulous eyes rested upon the golden monocle. Along its gold ring sat tiny, but ever so shiny, diamonds. Each one was expertly cut and placed to fully bring about a look of “I can afford this, but you can’t”. She wanted it with a burning passion. “Where... where did you get this marvelous piece of work? It looks gorgeous!”

Lucky let the feral pony take it from his grasp. “Well it was a ‘gift’ after I had become CEO at my leading agricultural company back in Ireland. Ye are welcome to have a look at it if ya want.” The pony made no comment back and simply sped off with the treasure in hand. Lucky saw her take it to the end of the room and place it upon a desk containing stacks of paper and random fashion tools. He merely shrugged and set about browsing her wares. He did not get far before he heard the gentle rhythm of heavy breathing. He halted all movement and craned his head back to the shop owner before breaking out into a second full gallop, for Chubs was standing behind her and looked to be preparing to chow down.

Lucky closed the distance between himself and the cannibalistic grease ball before surging forward in a leap. He had judged everything with the result of tackling the pony, but he did not count on Chubs just disappearing. Just like that. Poof, gone. Lucky saw this in his mid-air jump and silently cursed the world in a string of profanities that would make Raeg proud. Unfortunately for Lucky, he was not to simply land in a pile of dresses, or maybe just land on the hard floor and receive a headache. No, the world deemed it necessary to have Lucky land directly on the back of Rarity with a loud “oof”. Both ponies were silent for a moment before Rarity slowly twisted her head till she was muzzle to muzzle with the offending pony. He could only give a weak smile and silently beg for dear life while saying, “... Do ya like it?”

Reaching the door to the Boutique the pair of stallions panicked when they heard the sound of a crash and somepony crying out. The two shared a horrified look, eyes widened in barely contained anxiety. Neither one of them knew what exactly happened when a ghost actually ATE another, LIVING pony. The action was unheard of, the possible implication of it were astounding! For all intents and purposes Rarity could very well be dead or horribly injured from having a ghostly chunk taken out of her marshmallow rear end.

Sweet Mother of Jesus! The two both thought at the same time as they shoved the door open with all their might.

The door gave way easily under their combined force, swinging inward to reveal a very odd scene.

There on the floor was Lucky Money. Laying on top of Rarity. Muzzle to muzzle. In a very compromising position that sent Lewdy’s imagination into an epileptic overdrive. The two stood in the doorway where they had forced open the door. Two pairs of eyes stared in utter confusion for the very misinterpretive situation. Their silent staring was finally broken by Lewdy with his natural and graceful way of speaking. His first reaction was to holler very much like a Howler Monkey during mating season, the second reaction was to joyfully cry out, “YEAH! Go Lucky, get you some brother! I didn’t think you ‘ad it in ya buddy but you go STRAIGHT to the point! WOO!”

Memphis himself placed a tired hoof against his face in silent admonition, “ ‘Onestly Lucky, ah expected this from Lewdy, not you.”

The Irish pony looked up at the two standing in the doorway, then back to the the increasingly red Rarity, then back up at the two in the doorway until he finally found his voice, “N-now wait just a bloody second! This isn’t what it looks like! I was just, I mean I was going ta, no I... uh.” Lucky looked down again to see a very angry unicorn glaring at him, the pure whiteness of her face from before replaced with a red tint of barely contained rage. Lucky managed to offer her an anxious and nervous smile before a blinding pain erupted where his groin previously was.

Lewdy and Memphis both cringed at the sight, a ball breaking strike that even they could feel. By pure instinct they covered their own vulnerable regions for fear the mare might turn her anger towards them. Memphis had to admit though Rarity pulled off an impressive Judo kick just then.

Lucky was on the ground still as a still thoroughly embarrassed and angry Rarity got back up to glare down upon the pony writhing from the agony his hopeful descendents would feel, if considering any of them survived such a heinous blow that could be considered a war crime to every male in existence.”Ugh! To think I thought you were a proper gentlecolt, too! Laying your hooves upon a refined lady such as myself? The NERVE!”

Turning her nose to the sky the fashionista gave one last ‘hmph’ to the groaning pony as she trotted away from the prone form. Lewdy and Memphis were quick to stay clear of the dangerous unicorn for fear of receiving the same suffering that only a man could feel. Stopping near the door she pointed a well manicured hoof out the door and spoke with a finality that caused a shiver to run down both their spines, “Now then you ruffians, take your friend and drag him out of my shop! I won’t have such vile speaking, raunchy colts in MY boutique! Now off with you!”

“Right-o ma’am! No dallying from us ponies ‘ere!” Lewdy quickly said as he darted over to prone form of Lucky. Taking ahold of the yellow pony’s back legs he quickly dragged the agony racked pony towards the door, thankful for still having the muscles from his time in life as a coal miner. With the urgent gesturing of Memphis the three were out the door and away from the white demon with a fabulously styled mane.

Memphis cringed as something struck the side of his face as he tried to retreat from the boutique. Looking down he spotted the expensive monocle Lucky always wore. From the door Rarity shouted out, “And take your monocle too! I don’t even want to touch it anymore!” And with a final aggressive ‘hmph’ the door to the boutique slammed shut and the previously open sign was flipped to close.

Breathing a sigh of relief Lewdy gave Lucky a sadistic smile, “So how you feelin’ there mate?”

“Can’t... feel... me lucky charms...” Lucky managed to groan out, still clutching his crotch in hopes of saving what was left of his ravaged manhood.

Lewdy chuckled and gave the pony a hearty pat on his back, “Welcome to the club of rejection mate. I think you’ve earned yerself a lauger there eh?”

The nearby musician joined in with the chuckling, “Fer once ah wholeheartedly agree wit’ Lewdy there, we need a beer.”

“ ‘ow’s... about... a doctor... first?” the Irishman on the ground groaned again.

“Still got two of ‘em?” Lewdy asked. A nod. “You’ll be fine then, now lets get sloshed!”

Ghosties Need Cider Too!

Chapter 11: Ghosties Need Cider Too!

Abigail watched Raeg’s group head off to have fun in town, sad for having to babysit the starstruck Haku. She quickly decided to take control of the conversation and avoid any awkward moments wherein Haku would know way too much about Twilight Sparkle’s life for it to be anything less than creepy and stalkerish.

“So,” said Abigail, “I was thinking of taking a name that wouldn’t stand out so much if I am to live here for a while. How do naming conventions work in Equestria?”

Twilight responded, “Well, parents just pick a name they like and go with it, usually. Sometimes families will keep a part of their name constant to show the relationship, like with the Apple family or the Cakes. Other times there will be a general theme, like myself and my brother, Shining Armor, having light-themed names.”

“Haku has noticed that names will reflect a pony’s special talent,” interjected the brown unicorn. “This is why Haku will not change Haku’s name, for Haku’s special talent is being Haku. Therefore, Haku’s name is the perfect name, for what in life is better than Haku?”

“Haku is right, even if he could use a few more pronouns,” Haku emitted a small squee as Twilight praised his statement’s correctness.

“But, wouldn't that mean that a parent essentially chooses their child’s path in life before they are born?” asked Abigail.

“There is some debate on that point. Many parents will try and be vague with their names, but there are cases of names having almost nothing to do with one’s talent. Fluttershy, for instance. Her name says more about her personality than her talent and only sort of sounds like butterfly, the image in her cutie mark.”

“Yes, if her name reflected her talent, she’d be Critter Care,” said Haku.

Twilight looked at him quizzically, “how do you kn--”

“So,” Abigail hastily cut into Twilight’s train of thought, “something sort of vaguely related to myself, my talent, or my cutie mark,” the word still felt awkward and not quite right in Abigail’s mouth. Perhaps she’d get over it soon, or never.

“What? Oh, yes. That seems to be a good way to find a more conventional name. Though I would like to know more about the naming system where you come from. And about your world in general.” Twilight said with some excitement.

“Hmm...” Abigail pondered for a moment, and inspected the image on her flank. “How about Diamond Ring? It’s the name of the effect which appears at the beginning and end of an eclipse, and my cutie mark.” The word was already getting easier, though Abigail still felt like a five-year-old whenever she said it. “And it sort of works with my talent, which I think is electrical engineering, or space travel. Or dying in space, but I like to think that that’s not it.”

“That sounds great! Wait. Electrical whatnow? Like, you control lightning? And space travel? How does one pony even have enough magic to do that without being an alicorn? I have to know!”

Abigail, or rather, Diamond Ring, gently removed Twilight’s hooves from her shoulders, stopping the purple mare’s attempts to shake Abigail’s head off her shoulders. “Relax, hey, if you can get me a job, or if you just want to treat me to lunch, or any sort of help like that, I’ll tell you as much as I can.” It was about now that Abigail realized Haku was no longer in the conversation. While she did not mind his absence, it was still disconcerting, in much the same way one would be perfectly happy that a vicious dog was gone, but still be unwilling to leave their safe haven of a tree because they didn’t see where the dog went off to.

The blue mare looked around for the brony pony, spotting him talking to a sort of vague grey colored blob next to the poplar tree. “Oh, Twilight,” said Abigail, “it seems Chubs has returned to us while we were talking. Should we go get him and then head to the bar?” Abigail’s voice held a combination of annoyance at needing to get Chubs and a desperation for alcohol which Twilight thought best to appease.

Even a spirit can be plagued by vertigo, strangely enough that feeling of motion sickness transfers over even in death. For the hefty grey stallion, the feeling was a very unwelcome reminded that it wasn’t fun to be suddenly pulled from one place back to another. Chubs had only blinked, one moment he was in the Carousel Boutique, and the next he was standing in the middle of a familiar dirt road under the shade of a known tree. From that initial blink of transference Chubs was forced to blink a second time just be sure he wasn’t seeing things. He frowned when he opened them again to find the same dirt road staring back at him. The fact that the Crossroads was strangely lacking in some key and colorful residents had not registered with him yet. He could only sigh sadly, but not for himself.

Sweetie Belle’s sadness was part of the source that his own melancholy mood stemmed from, that and marshmallows.

Much to his disappointment earlier, Chubs found he could stomach no food the market had. Literally. Every piece of food he ate simply vanished from his gullet and tasted blander than any food should ever be. From the orange mare’s apple stand he moved on to a Churro stand and an ice cream vendor before finally giving up the cause. Saddened and unsatisfied he wandered away from the market in a ghostly gait, he didn’t even care that as he walked farther from the markets his grey coat became duller and his new legs quickly became transparent, fading with each step.

When he found himself in front of the famed Carousel Boutique he ventured in without much of a second thought. Opening the door, the bell chimed, and the shop’s fashionista owner began her greetings, but stopped when she saw nopony had actually entered the store. Shrugging it off to the wind she returned to work, paying no heed to the nearly invisible grey colt that gazed about the boutique with curious eyes.

Chubs wasn’t what anyone would ever call a fashion enthusiast, his only true passion has always been in food, but even he had to admit that this place was impressive. It reminded him of some of the customers he’d cooked for during his time still under culinary apprenticeship, the rich and pompous who ordered the most expensive dishes off the menu. They treated restaurant outings as chances to flaunt their riches and always they wore the most extravagant of attires, the type that Chubs could never afford. Yet here, Rarity’s boutique was filled with those quality clothes, though now in pony form.

His interest though inevitably faded and drifted back to finding food as he found his way upstairs to Rarity’s workshop. Up there he did find snacks, but he also found a very bored and lonely white unicorn foal absently coloring a childish picture. Chubs’ first thought was for the food, shuffling over he bent over to try a bite out of the assortment of marshmallows, crackers, and vegetables, but a sigh from the unicorn stopped him.

Chubs recognized her vaguely, she didn’t have a toy but knew from looking up the show once that this was Sweetie Belle, Rarity’s little sister. Glancing up from the food he could see how sad and lonely she was, cooped up the boutique with her sister too busy to play. Chubs closed his open mouth, missing the food by a phantom’s breath away. Trotting over he sat down on his haunches next to her, being much taller than the filly he could easily see what she was drawing. It looked like a giant pink cake with white frosting underneath a sun with squiggly lines to fill up the blank white spots on the paper. It wasn’t too entertaining for Sweetie Belle. She moved on from coloring the paper anymore and was trying instead to use her magic to lift a crayon set on top of the drawing, the crayon barely budged.

Chubs reached up to tap his chin with his nearly invisible hoof but stopped when he noticed how vague his body had become. He smiled as an idea came to him. Waiting for Sweetie Belle to try her magic again the ghostly Chubs picked up a pair of crayons, and pretending to make them hover, waved them in front of the young foal’s eyes.

The sudden change in Sweetie Belle’s features from hopelessly bored sadness to overjoy was enough to ache the heart even the coldest human being.

From there the little foal tried her magic with new zeal, and with a little assistance from the ghostly colt, had a delighting amount of success. Running around the room Chubs followed her around, waving around crayons, spools of cloth, and ribbons. When the unicorn tried to use the magic on herself the stallion took it upon himself to see that she succeeded. Plucking her up onto his transparent back he bounced around the room, the two of them laughing from the fun.

It sadly ended when Sweetie Belle decided to go and show Rarity her newfound magical abilities. Chubs had followed her downstairs, diligently awaiting her next chance at magic, but both stopped when they saw Rarity was busy with a customer. Chubs recognized Lucky Money and was curious to see what he was here for. Sweetie Belle went back upstairs to wait until Rarity was done but Chubs remained.

Rarity had taken something from Lucky and the big stallion moved behind her to see what it was. His mouth was agape when he saw the magnified diamonds that encircled the monocle that lucky always wore.

From behind him he could hear Lucky Money shout something. He blinked, and now he was back at the crossroads, and he recalled he didn’t even get to the marshmallows Sweetie Belle had. He only momentarily glanced up as that brown unicorn from before approached him.

“So, Chubs... how was your day?” Haku asked the grey colt. It seemed that something had actually managed to get under the grey blob’s skin, but what?

‘Haku must find out,’ Brain said. ‘Haku agrees. Haku rather dislikes being in the not-knowing-of-the-stuff.’

“Could’ve gone better,” Chubs muttered. Haha, Haku had succeeded in his mission to make the Chubs speak. “I couldn’t eat anything for some reason. Whenever I tried to, the food just... disappeared from my stomach,” the hefty chef said in his slow and lethargic way of speaking.

Haku nodded. “Yes, that would get a bit depressing. But enough of your worries, Haku must tell you about Haku’s day now,” Haku stated. Chubs only muttered something about ‘being so close to marshmallow-y goodness.’ Haku simply did what came natural and ignored his... acquaintance, maybe?

“Yes, anyways, so everyone left for a bar shortly after you left us. Not sure why, though. But then Haku thought, ‘hey, you could stay behind with Twilight!’ and I was all ‘good idea brain!’”

‘Haku, I said to not speak of me. If someone knew of my existence, then they would take me away from you! And I rather enjoy the large amount of space in here.’

“Haku would not like that...” Haku said aloud, getting a confused blink from Chubs, who merely brushed it off after a moment's thought.

“So continuing on, Haku didn't even get a chance to speak to Best Pony! That She-Beast Abigail took her all for her own! Oh, but Haku will get his chance,” Haku muttered that last part low enough for only Chubs to hear, who only nodded his head.

“Uh-huh,” Chubs answered in the typical fashion most men use when they aren’t actually listening, “hey, you have any food on you?”

Haku shook his head. “Does it look like Haku has pockets? Anyways, right when Haku was about enact his plan to shoo away Abigail, you appear!” Haku threw his arms, er... hooves in the air dramatically. “And now we’re on our way to meet up with the other zombie ponies. At the bar. The one Haku does not wish to go to.”

The pair went quiet when the mares walked over. A quick invitation from Twilight and Chubs was free of the Crossroads with the same conditions as she placed on the others and waved them on. “Come on Diamond Ring, let’s get you and your friends to the bar. I’m beginning to think that, today at least, I have no problem downing a few mugs this early.”

It took a moment for Abigail to remember that Diamond Ring was her. She also didn’t feel like arguing the point about being friends with these two schlemiels, so she just followed along thankfully.

“Alright, this won’t take too long,” Rainbow Dash said, reaching for the door of the candy shop. “I’m just gonna go in and-”

Rainbow was interrupted mid sentence by a pair of hooves flying through the open door and hitting her square in the face, throwing her back through the air to, once again, bounce harmlessly off of Raeg’s chest plate.

“Take that, ghosties!” a voice yelled through the door.

Raeg looked down at the stunned pegasus at his feet. “You know, in Canterlot we just say hello when somepony comes to visit.”

Rainbow got shakily to her hooves and cast a glare at the offending pink pony. “What the hay, Pinkie!” she yelled.

“Ohmygosh!” Pinkie yelled, realizing that she had not in fact bucked a ghost, but rather her friend. “I’m so sorry Dashie! My Pinkie Sense told me that the mean old ghosties were coming and I thought you were them!”

“Ghosts? What’re you talking about, Pinkie? There’s no such thing as ghosts.” Rainbow said, rubbing her head.

“Ya-huh there are!” Pinkie retorted. “The ones down by the carriage crossing! My Pinkie Sense said so and it never lies!”

“Those guys aren’t ghosts!” Rainbow said. “I was just talking to those guys, I’ve even got two of ‘em here with me! Just see for yourself.”

Pinkie visibly paled when Rainbow said that, but looking around, she didn’t see any of the ghosts from earlier, just a grumpy looking pegasus and a-

“Oh hey, you’re the Hippogriff from earlier!” Pinkie said, recognizing Loro. “I’m so happy none of those mean old ghosties hurt you!”

Loro just gave her a look and said something nopony present could understand.

“You’re welcome!” Pinkie chirped, earning a forwn from the parrot-pony. “But I don’t understand, my right back leg twitched, I got all sad, then my mane got all poofy, or more poofy than usual anyways, and that always means ghosts!”

“I can’t even begin to tell you how stupid your reasoning sounds, but you’re pretty much dead on.” Raeg said.

“But I didn’t see you there!” Pinkie said.

“I was at Twilight’s library while she violated Memphis in every way she could imagine.” he explained.

“So there’s even more of you?” Pinkie asked, horrified.

“Only about seven in total.” he said. “But that’s still far too many idiots to be trapped here with.”

Rainbow Dash sighed in exasperation. “He’s not a ghost, Pinkie! There’s no such thing as ghosts!”

“But-”

“No! No. Such. Thing!”

“But my Pinkie Sense!”

Rainbow Dash groaned and face-hoofed. “Look, we’re going to the Cider House, if I buy you a drink will you just leave it alone?”

Pinkie seemed to forget all about the ghosts at the mention of cider. “Sounds good to me!” she chirped.

“Ugh.” Rainbow groaned. “There goes this week’s paycheck up in cider. Let’s just get going.”

“Finally,” Raeg grumbled.

Loro, for his part, just grinned at the mention of cider and followed them the three, lagging behind to take in the sights of his new surroundings.

Despite Lewdy’s offerings to continue to drag Lucky Money across town the businesspony decided it was best to walk on his own rather than deal with the uncouthness of the act, as well as the unforgiving gravel ground. After a few tries and some help from Memphis the three were able to get moving again where they encountered a very prominent flaw in their plan.

The three had no idea where the bar was in Ponyville.

Rainbow Dash had mentioned the Cider House but didn’t exactly take the time to point out exactly where it was in town and though Lewdy’s claims of being a bloodhound when it came to alcohol were entertaining it didn’t help. The thought of asking for directions crossed their minds but the idea was quickly whisked away with the drawls of laughter they gave. Men don’t ask for directions! The thought was absurd to do so, what self respecting man, or in this case stallion, would stoop so low as to ask for which way to go?

So they wandered around in hopes of spotting any sign of what could be taken as a bar, stumbling into restaurants of all kinds before finally deciding it probably wasn’t best to duck into every door that wasn’t a residence.

Their salvation finally came in the form of a swinging sign in the shape of a tankard with a healthy eruption of foam spilling up from its brim. Below the picture of the tankard were the golden letters that spelled out The Cider House. Apparently it was just a street over from Rarity’s Boutique, information that would have been very helpful before they’d started going in the wrong direction.

The Cider House itself wasn’t as flamboyant compared to the many other buildings of Ponyville, if anything it looked more down to earth and to Memphis’ delight it was reminiscent to an Appleoosan design, albeit a lot less dusty, and hopefully it wasn’t just salt they sold.

“So how many bits we got before we have to pawn off Lucky’s monocle for more booze?” Lewdy asked as he gestured to the fanciful thing that was back on Lucky’s eye.

Checking the bag Memphis silently counted, and prayed for Twilight’s forgiveness, the gold tinted bits inside. “We’ve got fifteen bits worth o’ drinks in ‘ere. Countin’ the ten I spent before that means Ah’m already in debt to Twilight by twenty-five bits.”

Lewdy gave a ragged sigh, mocking exasperation, “Oh please, it’s for booze for fook’s sake, what better reason is there to spend other people’s ‘ard earned money on? Besides, ‘ow else are we gonna dull the pain of poor Lucky’s rejection!”

At this the Irish pony bristled, “I said ya basterd that, that be a misunderstandin’ and nothin’ more! And don’t go sayin’ poor be me neither!”

“Alright, alright! Geez, bite a guy’s head off why don’t ya? I mean really, so soon after trying to get a bite out Rarity? Such a hound dog, I swear.” Lewdy snickered as he opened the door to the bar and entered, not even bothering to keep it open for the other two.

Lucky gave a disapproving glare at the closed door where the blue maned colt once stood, turning to the stoic Memphis he asked, “And ya ‘ad to deal wit’ this bloke for three years prior, lad?”

Memphis shrugged in response, “You tune ‘im out after awhile, when I got the guitar that definitely ‘elped things along.” Trotting up to the door the pony swung it open and entered the threshold though stopped to jam the door open with his back leg to let Lucky pass by.

Nodding a quick thanks to the tan pony Lucky trotted into the bar. Both were lightly surprised at the comfortable atmosphere of the place. Warm yellow lanterns on chandeliers up above lit the place with the help of a stone fireplace near the back where a roaring fire warmed some seated ponies. All around them groups of ponies were talking amongst themselves, adding to the general clamor and warmhearted air of the Cider House. At the bar a familiar plum colored pony with a cutie mark of grapes and a strawberry was slumped over the bar while a grey stallion with an impressive black moustache attended to the bar while cleaning a shot glass. Memphis could practically see the drunken bubbles appear over Berry Punch’s head at this point.

A sharp whistle from one of the booths opposite to the bar got the two ponies attention. Standing on one of the seats was an impatient Lewdy gesturing for them while shouting something that was dimly translated as ‘get booze’, or close enough that could be heard over the crowd.

Rolling his eyes Memphis grumbled to himself before leaning towards Lucky, “You go on ahead, Ah’ll get the cider.” Without any more hesitation the musician made his way to the bar. Really, it was exciting to think they’d finally get the chance to taste the famous Apple family Apple Cider that the town clamored for every cider season. He doubted it was that potent a drink but the taste alone would get the southern pony’s attention. Gaining the bartender’s eye Memphis was quick to order three cider tankards, three bits apiece. Memphis quietly was relieved of the price, he’d been afraid it would be higher than what he had and from past experiences it was never a good idea to open a tab at a bar.

The bartender was quick with his hooves and had three foaming tankards of Sweet Apple Acres apple cider sitting on the bar within seconds of its ordering. Depositing the three cups onto his back with long practiced ease he trotted over to the booth and slid the two other tankards to the two waiting drinkers. Taking a seat in the booth, Memphis stuck his hoof into the oversized handle of the tankard. Casting a glance to the pair next to him to see if they were ready he grinned.

“Well, bottoms up.”

At the same time the three drank deeply from the tankard. For Memphis, after three years of nothing to drink or eat, it was as close to heaven as he ever thought he’d get to. The tart cider was an explosion of flavor that quenched a dying thirst Memphis wasn’t even aware that he had. To put it in his own blunt words: the apple cider was amazing.

Lucky Money had a less ecstatic reaction, there was no doubt the cider was good but it definitely didn’t live up to the Irish spirits that were able to knock a weaker man out within three drinks. Putting the tankard down the Irish pony shrugged, “Eh, it’s good, but it don’t compare to ole Irish whiskey like back ‘ome.”

For Lewdy the experience was lackluster and for the same reason as Lucky. Putting the tankard down the green pony glared down upon the cup. With all the spite he could muster he said, “This is Apple Juice.” Jutting a hoof to a still drinking Memphis, Lewdy threw accusations at him, “Whaddya tryin’ to do? You got the hard cider right? ‘Cause this is about as lightweight as watered down Pabst Blue Ribbon piss.”

Putting the tankard down with half of the cider already gone Memphis squinted his eyes at the other two colts, “Ah ain’t gettin’ you two anything else so shut up and drink. Bartender said this is the ‘ard cider so I’ll take ‘is word for it. T’ain’t no liquor like we’re from but I’ll take what Ah can git.”

“Hey, we came here for a single reason! To get sloshed to the point of no return and to forget about our woes. That’s not about to happen from some apple juice in a sippy cup.... maybe they got rum? What kind of people wouldn’t have rum, so where’s the rum!?” Lewdy said.

“And Ah said Ah ain’t gettin’ you nothin’ else, so sit yer sorry ass down and drink.” Memphis snapped back.

Sitting back down Lewdy muttered a series of curses, “We’re gonna need a lot more cider at this rate.”