The human named Richards

by Mr Darkstone

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Bon-Bon, Random, Sex, Human, Main 6, Lyra, Gore, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Other
Length: 1892

Meet John Richards, Equestria's only human, and it's biggest jerk.

Warning, lot's of swearing, slight gore and mild sex jokes.

So, have you ever heard the story of a human somehow ending up in a show for five year old girls and becomes a villain because he got dressed up as a villain and got powers from the villain he was dressed as?
You have? Well shut up because this one's different.
In this story, the human never cosplayed so he doesn't have powers or traits and abilities from the guy he cosplayed as, he never got to Equestria by some trinket he got from a creepy old man, and he's not trained for fighting... well besides firearms.
All he is, is a man who is a complete jerk and doesn't care about other people but himself... and that man is me.
My name is Johnathan Richards, and I am Equestria's only human, and it's biggest jerk.

Published 2014-05-09 02:30:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-09 02:30:03 UTC

I hate multidimensional travel

Author's Note

I want to be clear about something, yes this is a LoHAV story but different, as in it doesn't have the cliche stuff that most LoHAV stories have, it's just about a guy that is a complete Dick, that's it, no power's, no cosplay, and isn't in stone for thousands of year's only to be fried by Discord, just a guy acting like a dick.

I hate multidimensional travel

Los Angeles, the city of angels, crooks, and drug-up celebrities. Were movies are remade even though its only been five years since the last remake was made, were you can go to Disney land and buy blow from Micky Mouse, were you can't even see any stars at night due to years of smog from car's because the world is too greedy to use other sources for fuel for cars, and were you have to say in traffic for six hour's and add more fuel to the endless cloud of smog. Yes this city is full of scum and corruption as far as the eye could see.

And that is why Johnathan "Dick" Richards loves this city.

Johnathan Francis Richards is the kind of man that knows that if you want to make it big in the world, you'll have to screw everyone you know and love, look out for number one, and cheat, steal, and lie your way though life, and that's the easy part. John is your average corrupt attorney who also was a member of the Charbonneau family mafia. He was white, had short dark brown hair, dark blue eyes and wears a black suit and tie that he 'borrowed' from the dry cleaners. Yes John is a complete and total jerk and I bet you can guess the two reasons why people call him Dick.

Today started as a normal day for John, face first in a vomit filled toilet, residue of coke on his upper lip, and no memory of what happened yesterday.

Yep, normal day for John... at least for now.

John was barely able to walk out of his bathroom, only to see that his entire living room in his apartment was a mess; his $300 couch was flipped over, there was glass and empty vodka bottles on the ground, and almost everything was smashed or broken. Strangely enough, his TV and from where he could see his fridge were the only thing's that didn't break. "Damn, ether I went on a drug and booze marathon, or I got into a fight and won, and considering that I didn't find any bodies this time, I'm going with the former here... unless I dumped the bodies and got high to celebrate my victory." John said to himself as he walked to the fridge and grabbed a two day old sandwich from the diner down the street.

After John eat the sandwich, he then check the time on is phone. "6:37 AM, well I'm awake so I should get dressed." With that, John went down the hallway and in to his bedroom. His bedroom didn't look as bad as the living room, so John walked up to closet and opened it. However before he could change, his phone started to ring, the reason he got that ringtone was how the guy on the ringtone sounded like him and that his friends thought it was funny... what even a dick can have friends... even if they are mafia.

Looking at his phone, John could see that it was from his partner(in crime) Toni Malone, upon seeing this John answered. "Toni what's up?"

"Bad new's Dick, you know Mark Fontana, the guy that was going to meet us tomorrow night by the dock's? Well The guy got killed and his people think it was ordered by the boss."

"What!? But how!?" John was shocked to hear this, Mark Fontana was a member of the Ordonez Cartel up in Phoenix Arizona. He was going to set up a meeting with John and Toni to talk about planing to expand the drug trade across the country.

"Apparently he got stabbed with a knife only one of the made members of our family own, so that could only mean that either we got a rat or someone planted it."

"Well what did the boss say?"

"Right now he want's us to stay low for a few days while he try's to get to the bottom of this. Look Dick I'm coming over to your place to pick you up, I'll be there in an hour or so." With that, Toni hang up on John.

"Jesus you don't even give me the common courtesy to fuckin' say good bye you... ah who am I kidding, I would probably do the same." After that little conversation John had put on his clothes and knowing that he's going out, he got his suitcase and got everything he might need; if there's one thing you learn when working with crooks, it's that always be prepared. John decided that it would be best if he double checked the item's that he's taking.

List of supplies

One Beretta 92 FS
Five full 92 FS clips
One flare gun(you never know)
Ten flare gun rounds
One assisted-opening knife
Three set's of clothes
One bottle of lighter fluid
One zippo lighter
Two pack's of cigarettes
One bottle of chloroform
One rag
One spare phone charger
One can of shaving cream
One box of razors
One stick of deodorant
And one first aid kit

After checking his supplies, John went back into his living room to wait for Toni where he realized that it's almost seven AM, which mean's there's going to be alot of traffic; so to keep himself busy, John went to his bar and made a gen and vodka martini with a olive on a toothpick to help calm his nerves and turned on his TV where the first thing that came on was the news channel.

"Good morning America, today is a beautiful Saturday morning and were glad you started it with us. Our top story this morning is what many are calling the strangest case of disappearances this decade, yesterday at this years Comic con there have been multiple case's of people going mis-" The new's reporter dude was interrupted when John's TV started to change channels on it's own.

"The fuck?" John was flabbergasted to see that his TV had a mind of it's own. When his TV stopped, it showed a brightly colored tree-house... house tree... a house inside a tree and a green mint collared horse thing with a book in it's mouth running towards the door. "What the fuck is this?!"

The TV-screen got a close up view of the horse pounding on the door, it went on for a few seconds until another horse opened the door but this one was purple and it had a horn sticking out of it's head, now that John got a good look on the purple one he remembered seeing that horse at his local McDonald's being advertised as a toy that came with a happy meal.

But last time he checked, the purple one had wings.

"Lyra, what are you doing here, I never really see you come by." The purple one asked the other horse that apparently it is named Lyra.

"Twilight I found it! After all these years I finally found it!" Lyra said with a big grin on her face, and from where John could see her she to had a horn.

What exactly did you fi-" Twilight didn't finish due to Lyra pulling her into the house tree thing and slamming the door behind her.

Lyra looked around the room for signs of anyone else in the room before speaking. "Twilight, are you the only one home?!"

"Spike had to go get groceries at the market since were almost out of food and he left just before you came, now can you tell me why you barged into my home and why do you want to know if I was home alone." Twilight said with a hint of annoyance in her voice.

"Twilight, if word got around that I found this book then it will cause mass panic, you see this book is a very special spell book that can teleport anything you want, even if it's not from this world!" Lyra said with a lot of enthusiasm.

"Well I am amazed that you found this book, why are you telling me this?"

"Twilight you know that I been trying to prove that human's exist for the past five years. With this book I can teleport a human here, but the spell need's a powerful unicorn for it to work, so I need you to summon the human for me." Twilight was going to protest but before she could, a hoof belonging to Lyra stopped her. "Before you say anything, think about it, a alien species, diffrent culture, and maybe if you play your card's right you could finally get a special somepony." Lyra said with a wink at the last part and it only to two second's for the purple unicorn to answer.

"Alright I'll do it... but for science and not because I'm extremely lonely or anything...just give me the stupid book." With that, Twilight walked up to Lyra to retrieve the book.

"Ha, the purple one is so pint-up that she's willing to bang a human, I almost feel sorry for the unlucky shuck... wait why the hell am I still watching this!" John said as he grabed the remote control to change the channel but it failed to work, since the remote was not working he walked up to the TV and hit the power button but that didn't work as well, now John was starting to get pissed so he went to the TV's power cord and pulled it out of the electrical socket... but that didn't work either."Ok, is god screwing with me or is my place haunted or something?!"

Just when he said that, a cloudy pink whirlpool was forming in his ceiling and was getting bigger. John looked back at the TV to see the the purple unicorn was forming another who was creating one with her magic, upon seeing this John put two and who together.

"FUCK MY LIFE I'M THE UNLUCKY SHUCK SHE WANT'S TO BANG!!"

Just then, John was starting to get sucked up by the cloud along with most of his things in the living room including his suitcase. "FUCK MY LIFAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" Was the last thing John said before being entirely sucked up by the cloud.

Next thing he knew, he had landed on the ground face up, along with most of his thing's. The next thing that John noised was two unfortunately familiar unicorns staring right above him. "Look Twi it worked! We have a human!" The one John remembered being named Lyra said with a unrealistic grin on her face.

"And from the look's of thing's, his stuff as well." The one named Twilight said to Lyra before looking back down to John. "Hello there mister Human, I'm Twilight Sparkle and this is Lyra, and I think I'm going to enjoy getting to know you."

'Oh I'm so going to enjoy acting like a dick to you two.' John thought to himself.