Time Is an Illusion (Except When It's Not)

by Korbaut

Rating: teen
Tags: Trixie, Comedy, Adventure, Main 6, Cranky Doodle Donkey, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4026

A conspicuous curtailment of clocks finds our friends facing a familiar foe. Oh, and ponies.

A routine- though hastily organized- trip to Fillydelphia goes awry for Twilight and her two companions. Fortunately, she has the power of friendship and thievery to save the day. Er, not thievery. Just friendship. Yes.

But a routine- though very, very hastily organized- sneaking mission turns into something much more... convoluted. Fortunately, Rainbow Dash and her two companions have the power of friendship too.

But when that routine-though-hastily-organized-and-overtly-convoluted sneaking mission reveals a malicious- though hastily formed- plot, it's up to a mysterious and totally anonymous pony that isn't Trixie to save the day. And by save, I mean ruin. And by day, I mean night. And by not-Trixie, I mean that it's obviously Trixie. Obviously.

(Story based off a loose outline from a friend. With a lot of artistic license, a few cases of artistic arson, and a bit of baking powder.)

Published 2012-04-02 13:54:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-04-06 00:22:13 UTC

Chapter 1: Clocks

Somewhere, perhaps in another universe, or some parallel dimension, there existed a place of magic, of adventure, and of brightly-colored talking horses. This universe was relatively peaceful, if one was to judge it against our own, but was not without its trials and tribulations. We shall call it Equestria. Because that was its name.

You might laugh at the idea that these problems typically fell along the lines of relationship problems, friendship troubles, strife between pals, and- well, you get the point. You see, when you live somewhere that has never seen plague or genocide, your friends not liking your parties suddenly becomes the worst possible thing.

But I digress- we're not here to pass judgment on a land such as this. I wish to tell you a story of how this land came to know of and fear such atrocities that trouble our world. Or rather, came to know of the idea of the possibility of fearing such things that could maybe happen at some point sort of. Or something. I'm not really clear on that part right now, but I have you here, and you're listening, so there's that. I'm the story-teller, and you're the reader, so I get to say what happens and you have to listen. Or you don't. Either way, that's how stories work. Now, what was I talking about? Oh, yes. Equestria.

========

“I didn't eat THAT much... I mean, there was that one cupcake. And that one. Oh, and that cake. And that tray of cookies.” Pinkie Pie scrunched her face up pensively for a moment. “Well, there were also those milkshakes. And those fritters you gave me. And those pickles! But other than that.” Applejack nodded inattentively, still fumbling with the stubborn jar of pickles she had been wrestling with for the past hour. She sighed and set the jar on the fence that bordered her farm.

“Nah, ah don't think it was that, Pinkie Pie. This looks different,” the cowpony said as she looked more closely at her friend's strangely bulbous stomach. It all looked awfully suspicious, but Applejack couldn't quite put her hoof on it. She gave the pink pony's stomach a poke which was met with a giggle.

“Applejack, that tickles!” Pinkie said, half-complaining. AJ sat down in the dirt and scrunched her face thoughtfully. She didn't know why her good friend didn't go see a doctor, or even talk to Twilight. They'd know better than a simple cowpony like herself.

“Pinkie, why don't we go talk ta Twilight or somethin' about this?” she said as she stood up decisively. Pinkie looked at her, confused.

“Twilight's not here, silly!” She started hopping- or at least, she started hopping as well as she could with the giant bulge that was her stomach impeding her movement. “She needed to get a new clock but nopony sells clocks around here and Rarity was out of her fancy cheese that she likes so she went with her and Fluttershy needed to get some special medicine for Angel Bunny because of that one time he got into that rat poison and-” She stopped took a deep breath suddenly. Applejack looked at her expectantly for a few seconds. The pink mare held it for a little while longer until she simply said, “That's it.”

Applejack frowned. Somehow she had forgotten about that. “Well, we might as well get you to the hosp-”

At this exact moment, Rainbow Dash apparently decided she was better off diving headfirst into the very spot that Applejack had been occupying rather than continuing to practice her fancy moves and stunts. The two of them became a jumbled mass of limbs. They looked at each other for a moment, dazed, until the pegasus finally spoke.

“Hey, Applejack.” Rainbow stood up and brushed herself off, ignoring the glare she was receiving.

“So, Pinkie-” She stopped suddenly. Pinkie Pie's cringe was very noticeable, but the brash pony paid little attention to anything other than the grotesque bulge coming out of her dear friend's stomach.

“Rainbow Dash,” Applejack started, pausing to stand up and brush herself off as well, “Somethin's wrong with Pinkie Pie.”

Rainbow Dash gave her a flat look, as if to say: “Yes, I can see this. Obviously.” The cyan pony inspected her friend's problem thoroughly, giving a poke here and there, and receiving a giggle in return each time. She looked up at Pinkie and grinned. “Looks like all that everything you eat is catching up with you.”

The party pony scratched her chin thoughtfully. “I thought all the fat goes to your haunches. Or your rump...”

Applejack shook her head, then cut off Pinkie's rambling with a tap on her shoulder. “Hospital. This could be somethin' really bad for all we know. Can you walk okay?” She looked over at Rainbow Dash solemnly as the pink pony nodded and stood up. Rainbow gave a solemn nod in return, to which the cowpony nodded. And then off the three friends went. Applejack, nodding to herself, decided Big Macintosh could take care of things while she was gone. Right now, she needed to get her friend some help. And her neck was sore for some reason.

========

Twilight barely contained a squee of delight. Getting Angel Bunny's medicine turned out to much simpler than she had feared, and she had even managed to find a store that sold both clocks and fancy cheese! Rarity had been appalled at the very idea, but eventually Twilight convinced her to at least take a look, and now the white mare was fawning over what was obviously an amazing assortment of the finest fromages. At this rate they might even have time to see a few sights before having to head back to Ponyville!

But first things first: she needed to find a suitable replacement for the small clock she lost during that unfortunate experiment. She hadn't quite worked out the whole time travel thing yet, but soon. Yes. Soon. Rows of clocks passed her by as she shuffled through the store, her body on auto-pilot as silently inspected each device, though none seemed suitable for experimentation. In fact, she was starting to notice something a little suspicious-

“Twilight?” A quiet voice snapped her out of her mulling, and she turned around to see that Fluttershy had been following her. Her hair was obscuring her eyes which meant, as Twilight had come to learn, that she was terrified of something. That happened sometimes.

“Fluttershy, they're just clocks,” she said, placing a hoof on her shoulder and giving the most comforting smile she could muster. She received a timid smile in return.

“I know. It's just-” But Twilight's attention was already back on the task at hoof. She was missing something. Something huge. Something obvious. But what?

“Twilight!” She frowned and turned to face her friend again, giving her the most patient look she could.

Fluttershy retracted into herself even more. Apparently, her patient face was not patient enough.

“It's okay,” she repeated, going as far as to give her a hug this time. She couldn't concentrate like this. Something was out of place.

“But-” Twilight squeezed her harder, losing track of reality as she poured over every possibility, every detail. Fluttershy began to squirm uncomfortably in her grip, but the unicorn didn't notice, as deep in thought as she was. There were clocks. Lots of clocks. Clocks were in no short supply in this store. A place for every clock and every clock in its place. She was actually rather impressed by how tidy the whole shop was. An endless supply of timing-keeping devices, and not a single one was even slightly askew.

None of them were ticking either (that was obviously something that clocks were supposed to do), but she simply waved this off: perhaps the store owners activated them at the counter. Each clock face was beautifully crafted and set, belying their decidedly pedestrian purpose, yet each clock ran contrary to her sensibilities. She just wanted a bucking clock.

And suddenly she realized what she had failed to noticed until now. Despite there being rows upon rows of clocks, there was little variety. In fact, it seemed like the vast majority were antique grandfather clocks. She supposed that made sense, what with the fancy cheeses and all. The purple pony gave herself a congratulatory nod for being so smart.

“Twi... light...” She suddenly snapped back to her senses and let the poor suffocating pegasus gasp for air.

“Ah, sorry.” She gave a nervous laugh and waited for her to recover. Twilight put her focus back on their itinerary for the day. She didn't know of any other places that sold clocks off-hand. She was not familiar with Fillydelphia like she was with Canterlot, but she knew Fluttershy could only get what she needed in this city. And with Rarity needing her cheese, or whatever, it had all worked out far too well for the three of them to pass up the trip. Maybe Rarity would know a good store; she was quite familiar with the city, after all.

After making sure Fluttershy was really okay, she attempted to trace her way back to Rarity- the store was strangely labyrinthine with its rows of almost completely similar clocks blending into one another- but eventually gave up and found herself at the entrance again. While she was here, she might as well have a word with the clerk.

“Excuse me? I was just looking around, and you have some really nice clocks here, but-”

“Yeah?” The unicorn sitting at the counter was currently more interested in filing her hooves.

“Do you have anything else?” With a sigh, the pony set her file on the counter and hopped off of her stool.

“Wait a minute. I'll go check.”

She disappeared into a backroom and returned with several ornate clocks, each more delicate and dainty than the last.

“Those are very nice, but-” The clerk made a show of climbing back onto her stool with the obvious intention of staying there come hell or high water. Twilight frowned, but continued.

“I need something that's not so... fancy.”

“Not fancy?” the impatient unicorn repeated incredulously.

Twilight thought for a moment, then noticed a clock up on the wall. She figured it was worth a shot.

“What about that clock?”

Suddenly, Rarity.

“Twilight, dear, you can't take THAT one. It's horrid!” The clerk shot her a malicious glance.

Twilight looked at it again. It was a typical wall clock that you might see in any hospital or school. It was actually rather confusing that the store would use such a pedestrian unit. Twilight narrowed her eyes.

“It's a clock.”

The clerk shook her head. “If I wanted to sell that, it'd be out there with the rest of them. Not for sale. Why we even keep that thing is beyond me. I almost feel like killing myself each time I have to even look at it.”

Twilight bit her lip. This threatened to delay everything. And delays messed up schedules. And without schedules she might even be late. Such a thought shook her to the core. This was simply unacceptable. Maybe if they hurried they could make it to another store without throwing off things too-

“Twilight, didn't Fluttershy go with you?” Twilight's eyes shot wide open as she looked around, alarmed. Fluttershy was conspicuously absent. She moaned at this revelation.

“Let's go find her,” she said, her frustration almost boiling over.

Meanwhile, a small sad pile of yellow quivered in some featureless aisle. Giant monoliths of wood and metal towered over her menacingly. Time itself seemed to slow and light seemed to fade as the evil contraptions leaned in like predators anticipating the kill. Fluttershy had long since covered her eyes, and she dared not open them to face these... things. Even then, despite her best efforts, she still was painfully aware of that incessant sound of nightmares: a simple yet horrible “Tick. Tock."

A stallion stood nearby, fidgeting nervously as he tried to figure out what exactly he was seeing. Eventually, he just shrugged and slowly walked around the strange pegasus. He was starting to remember why he stopped coming in here.

Chapter 2: That's a Clock

Rainbow Dash and her two friends arrived at the hospital without a hitch. She figured Applejack was  too worried about the whole thing. It was obvious that something like this was going to happen to Pinkie Pie eventually with all the sweets she ate. The only thing that surprised Rainbow was that it hadn't happened sooner. And yeah, so the pink pony's stomach looked a little strange- so what? During the trip, Pinkie Pie told them the things she had managed to stuff down her throat the previous night, and it was a very, very long list.

Applejack paused at the entrance and turned to face the other two. “Well, ah got ya here,” and at this she beamed as if it was a triumph in and of itself.

Rainbow Dash raised a questioning eyebrow, but Pinkie Pie beat her to the punch.

“Well, actually, we walked here all by ourselves!” Rainbow gave her a playful nudge.

Applejack gave a strained chuckle. “Ah would really like ta stay to make sure you're alright, but ah need ta get back to the farm.” She furrowed her brow and looked the party pony over again. “You sure you're alright?”

“Applejack, she walked here fine. She's okay,” Rainbow interjected. All she got in return was a sigh.

“Well, alright. But you make sure ya come by later.” Rainbow Dash reluctantly nodded, and Pinkie Pie did the familiar motions of the Pinkie Pie Swear. Finally satisfied, Applejack briskly trotted off.

Rainbow and Pinkie Pie wasted no time throwing open the doors. Rainbow trotted up to the empty receptionist desk and gave a few rings on the stereotypical bell. Pinkie Pie wandered over to the vending machines and looked at the various snacks longingly, and she even began to shuffle in place like a foal. The cyan pony managed to make eye-contact and gave her the most disapproving look she could muster. Pinkie's ears laid flat as she suddenly remembered her current predicament, and then the two of them burst into laughter. Pinkie quickly made her way back over to Dash's side.

And there they waited. And waited. And then, after they waited, they waited a bit more. Rainbow Dash shuffled impatiently and rang the bell again, more forcefully this time. Pinkie Pie rocked back in forth in place, eyes wandering around the room. The cyan pony counted the number of tiles on the ceiling: sixty. The pink pony played invisible tic-tac-toe with herself by waving her arms around in the air. She lost. Rainbow daydreamed about the Wonderbolts. Pinkie Pie daydreamed about cupcakes.  After having to wait much too long, Rainbow Dash finally lost her patience.

Breaking the silence, Rainbow gave the bell one more forceful ring and then marched right up to the doors separating the rest of the hospital. She peeked her head through and found an empty hallway.

“What's taking so long?” This was so unlike everything she knew about hospitals. She was pretty sure they were supposed to help people quickly and all that, though she never did have this problem any of the other countless times she ended up here.

Pinkie Pie seemed to agree that things were a bit strange, so she also walked over to the doors and shouted, “Helloooooooo? Anypony hooooooome?”

The two of them shared a confused glance, and Pinkie, not wanting to break the oddly oppressive silence, simply prompted her friend to enter with a exaggerated nod. Rainbow just rolled her eyes and walked in, glancing around warily.

The hallways were barren. The patient rooms, usually full of sick or sleeping ponies- empty. They even peeked in the break room, but everything was empty. Rainbow felt a little guilty at wandering around like they were, but what else were they supposed to do? The hospital usually felt very welcoming, but now it felt almost hostile. The feeling creeped over her and slowly built in its intensity. She needed to get out of here. She reprimanded herself for letting her nervousness get out of control again, but when she looked over at Pinkie Pie she could clearly tell the mare was feeling the same way.

“This is the right hospital, right?” Pinkie said slowly, confused.

Rainbow did her best to come up with a playful reply, but gave up and instead flatly responded, “This is the only hospital in Ponyville, Pinkie Pie.”

The two of them found themselves once again in the long and empty hallway that led back out to the lobby. Pinkie looked at Rainbow Dash and gave a bewildered shrug, and Rainbow responded in kind. Well, if they couldn't get help here, they would just have to get help somewhere else. Even if the pegasus had to chase somepony down to get it.

========

Twilight bade goodbye to the clerk, but not after practically begging her to keep an eye out for a yellow pegasus mare, and to keep safe Rarity's purchase. She had reluctantly agreed to both, but not without making a big show about how the whole situation was ever so inconvenient. Twilight gritted her teeth at the very thought of that annoying unicorn, but she cleared all that from her head and focused on finding Fluttershy.

She and Rarity had attempted to retrace their steps, but the large store's endless rows of nondescript aisles wove in and out mercilessly. This feature, combined with an annoying lack of windows, left Twilight completely disoriented and out of touch. She had taken to following a single wall, but that only led her in circles (it seemed that way, at least), and she didn't even know how much time they really had wasted wandering aimlessly. How in Celestia's name did this place stay in business? She made a mental note to complain to the clerk; this was completely unacceptable, though she knew in the back of her mind that she really just wanted a reason to get back at that mare somehow.

Okay, she hadn't completely cleared her mind of that stuck-up, self-absorbed, narcissistic-

Focus, Twilight. Focus.

She stopped to rest for a moment, something that Rarity seemed eternally grateful for, and just listened. Other than the two's breathing and an unnerving lack of ticking, she heard nothing. She sighed. If she were only at her library, she could have easily found some spell to help, but as it was she couldn't think of anything that would be useful- well, without causing a lot of damage in the process. She couldn't even risk teleporting the two of them out, since she wasn't really familiar with the area. So, no magic.

Wait a minute. Maybe not. Twilight's eyes shot open wide. “Rarity, your horn!”

Rarity, who had not exactly been inside Twilight's head to follow this particular train of thought, looked at Twilight in horror and began trotting anxiously in place.

“What about it? Is something wrong? What's wrong with my horn?”

Twilight placed a reassuring hoof on her shoulder. “No, I mean- was Fluttershy wearing any jewelry or anything?”

“Of course! I couldn't let her go around looking dull in Fillydelphia!” Rarity balked at the idea. “But what does that have to do with- oh. Oh, Twilight!” Rarity laughed at the shock of recognition. Twilight simply smiled as Rarity concentrated on her jewel-finding magic. Before long, her head twisted in one direction, and the two of them took off as fast as they could without breaking several objects that neither of them really had the bits to pay for.

========

I would like to take a moment to interject that bits are a tricky currency, and in fact tend to shift wildly in value from week to week. One week, a single one of these clocks could easily cost forty bits, though  the same clock could possibly run as low as twenty or even ten bits a month later. No one knows why Princess Celestia allows for such fluctuations to continue in the economy. Except, perhaps, Princess Luna. But you don't ask Princess Luna about that sort of thing. You just don't. She has better things to do than worry about petty issues like “economics” and “agriculture” and “food shortages”.

========

Applejack trotted back to her farm briskly, thankfully avoiding anypony who wanted to get her all caught up in idle chit-chat. She had a farm to run, and run it was what she was gonna do. She trusted in the doctors to take care of Pinkie Pie, and there was no use worrying about it anyway. That's what she kept telling herself, and it was mostly working. But there was still a little nagging fear, and it was harder to get rid of than that barrel of snakes she found last harvest season. That one was a toughie.

She trotted along the farm path and made a beeline for the house. Granny Smith didn't like her granddaughter keeping such a close eye on her, but the old pony wasn't exactly young anymore. Applejack pushed open the door and called out. “Granny Smith, you okay in here?” She said this, fully expecting the usual reply of “Applejack, ya know I'm fine! Now go on!”

She waited a few long moments, and suddenly that nagging fear she just couldn't let go of surfaced as pure panic. It was all the cowpony could do to keep it in check as she calmly searched each room, but soon found the house was empty. She breathed a sigh of relief. Okay, so granny was outside. No big whoop.

========

Or not. Applejack was in a frenzy at this point. Not only was Granny Smith gone- which, she realized, could mean that she just wandered off as she sometimes did- but Big Macintosh was also nowhere to be found. She had only found his plow sitting on its side in the field like it had been dropped and abandoned hastily; that alone was enough to drive her insane with worry. She had almost screamed herself hoarse at this point, and now she was simply out of energy. She collapsed in front of the house and tried to figure out what could have possibly happened.

Then she found her imagination running wild, something that she attributed more to Twilight than herself. Twilight. Maybe she could take the unicorn as a little inspiration. Taking a moment to calm herself again, the mare poured over her day. Pinkie Pie's stomach. Typical Rainbow Dash. The stupid jar of pickles that she left on the fence. A quiet jog through Ponyville. A quiet jog back through Ponyville. Wait a minute.

Where was everypony? She hadn't seen a single stallion or mare in town. She was surprised she didn't notice, but then she did have a lot on her mind. What with the harvest in full swing and all. In fact, she hadn't seen anypony since this morning- other than Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash, of course. She shifted anxiously. Applebloom would, of course, still be in school, but she just had to make sure the little filly was alright.

Her mind finally sorted, she stood up and wiped the dust off her hat. Running in a panic sure did kick up a lot of it. She left a quick note explaining exactly where she was in case either of her missing family members came back, and then made her way back down the path. The school wasn't far. She could rest much easier knowing her little sis was safe.

However, at the end of the path stood a familiar face that belonged to a familiar unicorn who wore a familiar outfit. Yet something felt sharply different about her.

Applejack recoiled in shock. “You? I thought we ran you outta town! What do ya think you're doing here?”

She didn't answer.

“Are ya gonna answer me or what?”

Again, she didn't answer. Instead, her horn lit up with a color unlike anything the earth pony had ever seen.