Sudsy water splashed on Rarity’s coat as she struggled with her pugnacious daughter. “Crystal Clarity, do calm down for Mommy.”

Crystal, a squat, purple five year old whose claw-like hooves and reptilian features bespoke her draconic parentage, stared up at her mother with irritation in her sapphire eyes. "Mommy!" she said scathingly, as if she were the one being put upon. "It is far too early for this business of washing up. This is quite out of the ordinary and furthermore not on shhhhedule!"

Rarity's snout wrinkled with amusement at her daughter's little speech. It had only been a few years since little Crystal had spoken her first word, and since then she had taken it upon herself to imitate with varying degrees of success her mother's refined way of speaking. That she had mostly taken after her far more rambunctious father in temperament only made this more adorable in Rarity's eyes.

"Oh, my darling," she said, overturning a small bucket of water over her daughter's head. "It may be out of the ordinary, but I can assure you that tonight has been on the schedule for a rather long time." She lifted her daughter out of the tub with her magic and wrapped her in a towel, laying hooves on to vigorously rub Crystal down.

"Well," Crystal responded huffily as she poked her frizzled head out of the towel. She burped, the two stubby horns on her head glowing blue as a wisp of smoke escaped her mouth. She blinked and went on. "I would prefer being made aware of these deviations in the shhhhedule at least two weeks in advance."

"Do you remember who came to visit us last weekend?" Rarity asked casually as she finished drying her daughter's coat and began to run a comb quickly but neatly through her mane.

"Uhh," Crystal intoned hesitantly. "Illusion and Princess Illusion's-mommy?"

"That was yesterday, dear," Rarity said with a smirk. "It was your aunt, Sweetie Belle." She laughed. "I suppose it's no surprise, then, that you don't recall that I did tell you that you were going to be babysat by the Cake twins around that same time."

Crystal folded her arms crossly. "I am not a baby to be sat upon."

"Indeed not," Rarity said, patting her now dry and groomed daughter's head. "But you do like the Cake twins, right? And you do enjoy when we go to the Sugarcube Corner in downtown Canterlot, yes? Come now, it will be fun."

"Maybe," Crystal said, relaxing her obstinate posture as she considered the prospects of staying over at a bakery.

A ring from the front door turned Rarity's head. "Ah, it looks as if they're here." She hoisted Crystal Clarity in her telekinetic grasp and plopped her on her back before trotting toward the front room. She opened the door and delivered her standard greeting. "Welcome to the Carousel Boutique, where every garment is chic, unique, and magnifique." She beamed at the adolescent orange unicorn filly and her brown, pegasus twin brother standing before her. "Hello Pumpkin. Pound. I wasn't expecting you for another fifteen minutes!"

"Well, Ms. Rarity," Pumpkin Cake said with a broad smile. "A good businessmare knows that early is on time and on time is late."

"Yeah," Pound Cake agreed. "Also, we really want to get paid so we can get Ungulates Strike Back on Game Foal, today."

Pumpkin's hoof collided with Pound's mouth without warning. "I apologize for my brother, ma'am. He's an idiot."

Pound gave his sister a dirty look and puffed out his cheeks.

"Is that the twins?" a voice rumbled from the kitchen. A purple head poked out of the entryway and grinned toothily. "Hey, kids," Spike said jovially. He sauntered out, clad only in his pink, frilly apron, which caused both teens to stifle giggles.

Rarity, on the other hand, eyed her husband and licked her lips. "Yes, Dear, they were just about to take Crystal."

"Oh, good!" Spike said.

Crystal gasped dramatically. "Daddy!" she protested, reaching out for him with her claw-hooves. "You want to get rid of me? How could you?"

"Claire," Spike said, gathering his daughter in his arms and giving her a firm hug as she buried her face in his thick neck. "I would never want to get rid of you. You're my little amethyst. But sometimes Mommy and Daddy need some... time alone. To play." He pulled her back and gave her an appeasing smile. "You understand, right?"

"But I just started school, and everything," Crystal protested. "You have all kinds of time to play."

"Yes, but," Rarity said. "Mommy needs that time to do her work so that she can take care of you when you get home. Daddy also has his own chores to do." She removed Crystal from Spike's grip and floated her over to Pumpkin, who gingerly took her within her own darker blue magic aura.

“Well,” Crystal said as she settled on Pumpkin’s back. “I guess I can allow it. But only if I can have a cupcake!”

Spike laughed. “Hey, why not?” Rarity shot him a withering glance, and he deflated. “Uh… just don’t ruin your appetite.”

Crystal’s parents bid her a warm farewell as the twins took trotted back toward downtown, paid up front for their services. Rarity turned to Spike and sighed. “Well… I do hope those two can handle it.”

“Oh, come on,” Spike said, smirking at his wife. “Those two have been babysitting Pinkie Pie since they were a month old. Give them some credit.”

Rarity pressed her side against Spike’s, soaking in his warmth. “You’re quite right, of course. I should just relax and enjoy our date night.”

Spike grinned and unfurled a wing to drape over his wife, nuzzling her neck. “You know… it’s going to take another half hour for dinner to finish cooking…”

“Ooh, Spikey,” Rarity said. “As much as I’d love to take advantage of that impressive dragon stamina of yours, especially given how…” she sighed heavily. “Long it’s been, we simply cannot allow fun to precede our obligations.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Spike said. “I took care of all that.”

“What?” Rarity said, her eyebrow quirking? “I don’t believe that for a moment, Spike. Laundry?”

Spike folded his arm and grinned proudly. “Clean, folded, and put away two hours ago.”

“Cleaning?” Rarity prompted.

“Dusted, swept, and vacuumed in that order an hour ago,” Spike responded, puffing his chest out.

Rarity smiled, her eyelids half-closed suggestively. “Shopping?”

“Eggs, milk, bread, and…” Spike rummaged his pocket and pulled out a small box with the stylized image of a soldier stallion gracing the front. “A six count package of Trojan Horses.”

“Well!” Rarity said with a syrupy tone as she approached Spike, her hips swaying side to side far more prominently than usual. “It looks as if you’ve covered everything. I must say, Spikey-boo, knowing that you’ve gone out of your way to make sure that both our tasks have been thoroughly accomplished does make me rather… receptive to your offer.”

Spike’s face flushed as Rarity wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling the box from his grasp with her magic. She looked deeply into his eyes, smouldering with an inner fire. “O-oh, really?”

“Oh, yes,” Rarity said, standing on her hind legs and putting her hooves on Spike’s broad chest. She bit her lip as she stared up into his eyes, musing silently on how odd it was for their positions to be so reversed from when she had first met him as a precocious youngster. She closed her eyes, blushing as she leaned in.

Spike ran his claws over his wife’s withers as he emitted a low rumble of contentment. He looked at his blushing bride and his heart nearly burst. Even though she was a fair bit older than when he’d first fallen for her and had been through both battles and childbirth, he still saw her as the most beautiful pony in Equestria.

“Spike,” Rarity said testily.

“Huh?” Spike said, blinking rapidly.

“When a lady closes her eyes,” she said with an amused grimace. “She expects to be kissed.”

Spike paused, considering this. “Oh. Oh!” He chuckled under his breath as he reached down and firmly gripped her diamond-stamped flanks in his hands, enjoying both the slight squish and the pleased squeal as he lifted her up so that their faces could meet.

A most unladylike moan reverberated through Rarity’s mouth as she felt her soft lips meet his, hot and with a texture not unlike a well-napped suede. She let her mouth open ever so slightly as Spike moved against her, giving him the cue for entrance, and she hummed as she felt his thick, reptilian tongue slid across hers. Her breath blew strong through her flared nostrils as the dextrous appendage massaged her behind her jaws and even around her throat, which through much experience at just this kind of thing had lost most of its gag reflex.

Meanwhile, Spike wrapped his tail around Rarity to hold her to his body as his claws went exploring. He gently kneaded his wife’s back, her pearly coat flowing over her quickly relaxing muscles beneath. He brought his left hand up and gently brushed her curly hair away from her face as he reached his right hand down and stroked the dock of her tail, eliciting a squeak from her and a suddenly far more eager plunging of her tongue into his own maw.

Rarity cracked an eye to regard the package still floating at her side. She was already gyrating her hips against her husband in the most lewd manner, and knew they couldn't wait any longer to "suit up," as it were. She used her superior magical precision to quickly pop the top and remove a condom wrappers while letting the box drop to the floor. She deftly ripped the top off the wrapper to remove the latex circle inside. She smirked against Spike's lips, reflecting that for all her power Twilight couldn't have done the same without making the box explode or turning it into an orange.

"Mm-mmm," Spike mumbled into Rarity's mouth.

Rarity continued to practically devour her husband's muzzle as she insistently pulled his head into her. "Mmmm," she responded rapturously as the rubber contraceptive began to descend slowly to their targets.

"Mm-mh," he said, shaking his head sharply in her grip. "Mm-mm-mmm. Mmhmm... mm..." A loud gurgle interrupted his attempts at communication. His cheeks puffed as the sound ascended up from his gut to his throat. Green smoke spewed from his nostrils and the tiny gaps in the seal between his and his wife's locked lips.

Rarity's mouth was suddenly on fire, quite literally as her own cheeks expanded from the heat entering her mouth. Her eyes crossed and her horn sparked from the surprise and pain, and her magic aura still suspending the condom spasmed violently and ripped it to shreds. She pulled herself away from her husband, feeling suddenly quite ill and not in the mood at all.

Opening her mouth to either scold or blow chunks on her husband, instead green flames poured out of Rarity's mouth, swirling and coalescing into a sealed parchment. Rarity coughed as it dropped to the floor. "Wh-what..."

"Sorry," Spike said, setting her down gently and nervously scratching his face. "I tried to say something, but... well..."

"Is it normally that unpleasant?" Rarity wondered aloud as she gently lifted the scroll. Since they had been married, correspondence via dragon's breath from the princess wasn't quite as common as letters from Rarity's regular and very important clients.

"Uh..." Spike hesitated. "Well, it doesn't always taste that great, I'll admit, but it's no worse than having an epic belch."

Rarity wrinkled her nose. "Indeed. I'm quite glad I never took to that habit, then." She unrolled the scroll and her eyes darted over its contents before growing wide. "Oh, no!"

"What is it?" Spike asked, trying to look over her shoulder.

Rarity sighed and snapped the scroll shut. "It's a letter from Sapphire Shores! That new line of costumes for her comeback tour she was going to pick up the day after tomorrow? It turns out her plans have changed rather suddenly and she needs to pick them up tomorrow morning."

Spike was crestfallen. "But... our date night!"

"Oh, Spike," Rarity said, touching his side gently. "I will not let this interfere with our night, I promise. I was really quite close to finishing, anyway. If I had some help, I might be able to wrap it up before dinner time!"

Spike grinned and puffed his chest out heroically. "Worry not, milady! Sir Spike shall save you."

"Oh!" Rarity said playfully, putting her hoof to her head in a mock swoon. "My hero!"

Half an hour later, Rarity was focusing hard on putting the last thread into place on Sapphire's headdress. Spike held his breath as he quickly and unobtrusively dabbed the sweat from his wife's brow. When the stitch had been pulled closed and tied off at last, she let out a relieved breath. "Oh, that was quite the tense little session, wasn't it?"

"I'll say," Spike agreed. "I never thought I'd feel so wiped out just watching you sew."

"Oh, you did more than that, my darling," Rarity said, patting him on his lowered head. "In fact, I think you deserve a little treat after how helpful you've been."

"Oh, yeah?" Spike asked, his tail wagging involuntarily. "You got some tasty gems you've been hiding from me? Maybe some sapphires? Rubies?"

Rarity hummed thoughtfully, tapping her chin. "Well. Let's see what we come up with, shall we?" Her horn began to shine in much the same way as it had when she'd performed her very first jewel locating spell. Her horn pulled her back and forth as it searched until it finally locked onto something. She was dragged back toward Spike, and her horn finally came to a rest when it tapped the underscales right between Spike's legs. "Aha!" she declared. "Looks like I've found some buried treasure. Spike, would you be so kind as to bring out this nice, big rock?"

Spike laughed. "Wow. That line sounded like something out of one of the books you hide under your pillow, Rare." He shuddered as he saw her flutter her eyes at him from her position crouched on the floor at his feet. "Still... it's somehow really effective."

The pocket between Spike's legs had indeed already started to swell, and Rarity's flirty gaze was all it took for his tremendous treasure to begin uncurling from its cavern. Rarity licked her lips as she saw her target, and with a brief flare of magic she brought the box of condoms to her. A line of foil wrappers snaked out, and Rarity tore a single package off. “How about we slip this magnum onto your big boy?” she said before removing the contraceptive.

With an audible gulp, Spike looked down at his wife. “Uh,” Spike said, hesitating. “You know, Rarity, y-you could just… um… use your mouth… without it being wrapped up.”

“Spike,” Rarity said, her brows flattening out. “You know very well we found out the hard way how ineffective both unicorn and zebra birth control is against your little troops.”

“Yeah, but,” Spike said, averting his gaze as he blushed. “I mean, if it’s in your mouth and… and you spit it out…”

“Remember Twilight’s research on the matter?” Rarity said, frowning. “Darling, as much as I would like to… ah… ‘bareback,’ as ‘twere, even one of your boys could reach its goal regardless of where it entered my body, and I would conceive whether I was in heat or not.”

“Yeah…” Spike said, bowing his head sullenly. “Omnivirility kinda sucks, sometimes.”

“Don’t worry,” Rarity said, taking the second condom from him and unrolling it onto the second branch of his hemipene. “I suck far better, if I do say so, myself.” She took the condom delicately between her teeth and looked steamily up at him. Spike’s thick, wet member was already bursting from between his underbelly scales, but when she licked at the latex membrane, it engorged to its maximum size.

Rarity fanned herself as she regarded her husband’s impressive stack. She took it between her hooves and gently placed the circle around the tip, and with her teeth unrolled it down his shaft. Her jaws strained as she traveled toward his base, but she kept going. It wasn’t until her throat was filled and her eyes watered that she closed her lips around him and pulled back while she let her hooves unroll it the rest of the way. She released him with a soft pop of her lips and bit the bottom one as she smiled up at him.

Grinning wickedly, she lowered her head down to Spike’s thick stake and slurped it back into her mouth, taking it in until the tip touched the back of her throat. She worked her head back and forth, salivating heavily as she enjoyed the body heat that radiated even through the latex.

Spike groaned as he leaned his back against the wall and put a hand on top of his wife’s head. “R-Rare… that’s really… good.”

Rarity pulled away and let oxygen fill her lungs. “Oh… yes, that was… rather fun, wasn’t it?” She reared up on her hind legs and put her hooves to Spike’s chest. “But that’s only to warm up, darling.”

Grabbing Rarity by the buns, Spike pulled her up to his face. “That’s right…” he said, his parted lips approaching hers even as he positioned himself to slip between a different pair of lips. “And we’ll have all evening to run a marathon…”

"Oh, Spikey," Rarity whispered, inhaling sharply. "You smell so delicious. And so... delightfully smokey."

Spike paused. "Huh? Smokey?" He sniffed the air, and his eyes widened. "Oh, bull spit! My dinner!" His member retracted almost instantly in horror, leaving his latex sleeve fluttering to the floor and he unceremoniously dropped his wife on her rump and dashed to the kitchen. Thick, black smoke was seeping from the oven. Disregarding the oven mitts, he opened the door and reached into the cloud to pull out a blackened mass of what might have at one time been food. "This is... the worst... possible... thing!" He cried, a tear dripping down his cheek.

“No,” Rarity said, wincing as she lifted herself off the floor and rubbed her bottom. “The worst possible thing would be breaking your wife’s hip and never getting any ever again.” She levitated the discarded condoms from the floor and wrinkled her snout as she walked them to the trash and dropped them inside.

Spike looked back at Rarity and grinned sheepishly. “Er… sorry. I just…” He grimaced as he looked down at the pan in this claws before tossing it in the trash. “I was really hoping to make this a romantic night, but it looks like it’s hayburgers, tonight.”

Rarity’s brows wrinkled lightly as she looked up at her morose husband sympathetically. “Spikey… I do appreciate the effort, really.” She gave him a loving smile as she rubbed his arm. “Really, my love, just knowing how much effort you’ve put into this is truly touching."

Pulling his wife close, Spike gave her a peck on the cheek. "I guess all that really matters is that we spend some quality time alone, right?"

"Quite right, my dear," Rarity said, nuzzling up to Spike. She gave him a flirtatious smirk. "In fact, since we don't have to worry about dinner at the moment, I don't think it's necessarily out of the question that we finish up our little... ah, ha... 'marital activity'." She broadened her grin and lifted an eyebrow suggestively even as she lifted a single condom in its wrapper.

Spike opened his mouth, but a flash of light and a loud pop of displaced air interrupted him. Standing before the couple was a frazzled mare with a mulberry coat and sapphire mane. The presence of both horn and wings marked her as an alicorn, and the crown upon her head signified her royal status. “Spike,” Princess Twilight Sparkle said, a familiar edge in her voice. “I need you to—what is that?” She eyed the floating foil beside Rarity curiously.

One huff of green flame later, however, and the offending contraceptive was gone. “Nothing,” he said innocently.

Twilight blinked. “Oh… ‘kay.” She shook her head in an attempt to put her mind back on track. “Anyway, listen! I need you to do me a big favor.”

Spike and Rarity looked at each other, expressions stony. “Well… what is it, Twilight?”

“Well,” Twilight grimaced and rubbed her legs together nervously. “There’s a delegation from Saddle Arabia that's just arrived. Celestia and Discord aren't back from the Crystal Empire yet, Luna has disappeared yet again, so guess who that leaves to deal with it?"

“Let’s see,” Spike said flatly. “Philomena?”

"That's right!" Twilight exclaimed. She paused, blinking rapidly before her brows knitted irately. "Wait. No, Spike, be serious.” She huffed at the dragon and gave him a brief stink eye before shaking her head to clear her thoughts before continuing. “I have to meet this delegation, but I have a... a guest who’s helping pull Celestia’s chariot back from the Crystal Empire, and... and I haven't organized the palace library at all!"

Spike sighed, giving his friend an expectant look. "Okay, Twi. This has what to do with me?"

Twilight gave Spike a broad, ingratiating grin and batted her eyelashesin such a way that it reminded Spike of a seizure patient. "Do you think you could reshelve the library for me so I can meet with the Saddle Arabian delegation and not have a disorganized library when Fl—my very important guest arrives?"

Looking at his sister-like friend's pleading eyes and sort of embarrassing attempt at puppy dog eyes, and then back at his wife's dangerously threatening scowl, Spike floundered helplessly. "I... uh... I guess I..."

"Oh, thank you, Spike!" Twilight cheered before he had the chance to go any further. "I knew I could count on my #1 assistant!"

Rarity huffed, but her expression relaxed as she saw her friend pronking up and down, as happy as a Pinkie Pie. "Well... I guess you don’t really get out enough as it is..."

Spike cleared his throat and puffed up his chest upon hearing his wife's accession. "But!" he declared, prompting Twilight to pause in her celebration. "I'll need you to do something for me, afterward."

Twilight's ears flopped. "Spike? You've never asked me for anything, before..." She then smiled gracefully. "But of course I'll return the favor in any way I can."

"I normally wouldn't ask you," Spike said. "But I know you can pull some strings to get Rarity and I some last-minute reservations at Chez Lahdee Dah."

"Oh," Twilight said, her face screwing up thoughtfully. "Well... I don't like using my position like that, but..." She eyed the still-smoking oven. "I can see that you probably need it, tonight. Consider it done!"

Spike smiled and gave his wife a wink. "Then we have a deal."

Twilight nodded gratefully and winked out, leaving husband and wife alone once again.

"Well," Rarity said. "A rather unfortunate wrinkle in our night, but at least it will result in a rather romantic dinner afterward." After a moment mooning over the prospect, her mouth fell in a little pout. "Still, let us try not to incinerate all our 'protection,' tonight, hmm? I'd rather hoped to use them all, this evening."

"Oh," Spike said. "I, ah... I don't think that was my 'burny' fire, actually."

"What?" Rarity asked, raising an eyebrow. "Then what... oh. Oh, my."

Celestia sighed as she reclined on her rather cushy chariot seat. “So boring,” she complained.

Slouching beside her, Discord laughed and snapped his fingers, conjuring a glass of chocolate milk. “Well, these long flights always are. I don’t know why you don’t just have me poof us where you want to go.”

With a roll of her eyes, Celestia responded wearily. “Because, Discord, whenever you do pretty much anything with your magic bigger than creating sweets, something egregiously unexpected happens, and I think I’d rather be bored than have that much excitement. Again.”

Discord smirked as he drank the glass, leaving a floating cylinder of chocolate milk. “Well, at least you let me upgrade your wheels. Rather nice having a covered chariot, complete with bathroom, isn’t it?”

“Yes, well,” Celestia said, her tongue becoming somewhat unresponsive for reasons she didn’t fully grasp. “I… ah… I suppose it is nice… you are… sometimes more helpful than harmful.”

“Oh, Tia,” Discord said, putting a paw to his forehead dramatically. “You do flatter me so.”

Celestia scowled at Discord’s antics. “Well, you’re certainly not helping alleviate my boredom, Discord.” She sighed again and rolled her eyes. “What can I do to occupy myself for the next hour?”

As if in response, a wisp of magical ash curled into the room and over Celestia’s head, where it suddenly coalesced. With a green flash, a silvery wrapper fell onto Celestia’s head. “Wh-what? Spike?”

Discord’s face split into a mischievous grin. “I always did like that dragon. Would have made an excellent Element of Loyalty, in my humble opinion. Wonder how he knew my size…?”

Celestia levitated the contraceptive off her head and gave Discord a hard look. “Discord!” she said accusingly. Her face turned a deeper pink, and a coy smile played across her face. “Are you going to lay there cracking jokes or are you going to help me with this?”

The silence was remarkably suggestive.

Features neutral, Discord snapped his fingers again.

Author's Note

Prereader: Imaginary Valued