Zero Punctuation - Equestria

by DarkWing

Chapters

Yahtzee Reviews - The Mane Six
Yahtzee Reviews - Brain Injury
Yahtzee Reviews - Ponyville's Colorful Residents
Yahtzee Reviews - The Royal Sisters
Yahtzee Reviews - High Class Society
Yahtzee Reviews - A Light Breakfeast
Yahtzee Reviews - Ponyville's Local Bar
Yahtzee Reviews - Possible "Friends"
Yahtzee Reviews - Spa Days
Yahtzee Reviews - The Introduction

Yahtzee Reviews - The Mane Six

Reminder: Yahtzee's character is being brutally cynical.

Youtube Video

"But... I... what?" Yahtzee said, flabbergasted at the mere thought of how he got here. "I don't even know... WHAT?"

"Are you okay?" the yellow pegasus asked, taking a step back, contradicting her concerned question

"What the hell am I doing here?" he exclaimed. "Where am I, what is this, wha-"

"Please just calm down," the purple unicorn said, looking over the strange thing in front of her. "Whatever you are."

"Calm? How in bloody hell do you think I can stay calm?" he yelled as a retort. "I am in the middle of a brightly colored town, surrounded by half a dozen talking horses. I can tell you one thing for sure, this sure as hell isn't my idea of heaven."

"What is that thing anyways?" the cyan pegasus who lazily flapped it's wings above Yahtzee asked. "Why is it standing on two legs? And what is with it's hair?"

Yahtzee looked down at his white body, then up at his white hat.

"I'm a human, you stupid tart," he grunted, rubbing the rim of his hat. "And this is not my hair, this is a hat."

"Maybe we should hit him and teach him some manners," the quite visibly angry pegasus growled.

"Calm down," the purple unicorn said bluntly. "What is your name?"

"My name is Ben. Ben Croshaw," he said quietly as he tried to remember their names. "But my friends call me Yahtzee."

"How is it going Yahtzee?" the bouncing pink pony asked.

Yahtzee paid no heed to the pink pony.

"What's the matter? Are you shy?" she asked, hopping closer to him.

"No, I just remember specifically saying my friends call me Yahtzee," Yahtzee snapped. "And I do not regard you as such, nor am I seeking any extras."

The pink pony took a few sad steps back.

"You're not very nice..." she said, hiding behind the purple unicorn.

"Brilliant deduction, mademoiselle. Care to give me any other valuable information?" he asked sarcastically. "Ooh, ooh, how about if I don't breath, I would die? That's a good one right there."

"There is no need to be so mean, she is just trying to be friendly," the purple unicorn said defensively. She then shook her head and decided it would be best to greet him formally. "My name is T-"

"-wilight Sparke," he tutted lightly. "Yes, I am quite aware of that. Quite a silly name at that. Honestly, it's like they just looked at the worst series possible and said "Hey, yeah, we could sure go for some of that!"."

Twilight looked at the others nervously, then back at Yahtzee.

"How do you know my name?" she asked.

"I was hoping you could tell me the same damn thing!" Yahtzee yelled.

"I'm sorry, but I really don't know what is going on."

"And here I thought you were always reading," he said as he rubbed his chin pensively. "So much for being studious. You're already breaking character."

"What?" she asked confused. "How do you know I-"

"That's not important," he said, waving off the question. "So you're the element of Magic, correct?"

"How do you know that?"

"Please, save your questions for the end of the lecture," he chuckled, putting his hands behind his back like a professor in the midst of talking about a serious subject.

"Wha-" Twilight started.

"I'm sorry miss, but I am quite afraid I do not like repeating myself," he said, holding up his right hand, signalling her to be quiet. "As I was saying, besides your terribly unorthodox name, your constant breaking of ones character, and your weak demeanor I-, you know what? That is pretty much all I need to say about you."

Twilight eyed him with great contempt, mind running rampant on what she could do to him if she had the will to. She then collected her thoughts and shook her head.

"What's wrong? Is the "smart" one at a loss for words, or is she simply not as intelligent as she portrays herself?" Yahtzee chuckled.

"You do not have to be so crude," the white unicorn said. She then brought her hoof forward to greet the stranger. "Well my name is-"

"Rarity, yes I know," he said, pushing her hoof back down. "If it is the same to you I would rather not make direct contact with you. I have no idea where you've all been."

"How dare you?" Rarity snapped. "I take very good care of myself!"

"So then why does your mane look like that?"he asked. He then brought his fingers to his ear, pretending as if it was a cellphone. "I'm terribly sorry, miss, but the seventies called. They want their mop back."

Rarity started trembling with fury, eyes shooting darts at Yahtzee who stood there smugly. She then straightened up and looked impassively at Yahtzee.

"You're not worth my time," she huffed.

"I thought you were the symbol of Generosity, so I say you should do a bit more giving," he muttered distastefully.

"Well aren't you a cynic?" she sneered.

"No, I am English," Yahtzee muttered before pausing for a brief moment just to chuckle a few seconds later. "Though I suppose one is synonymous with the other, so actually yes. Yes I am."

"Why do you have to treat us with such disrespect?" she asked furiously. "We came over here to make sure you were alright, and you decide the first thing you should do is point out our flaws?"

"What can I say?" he shrugged non-apologetically. "It's kind of my, what shall we call it? A hobby of mine."

"I for one do not care for it," she said, lifting her nose up.

"Well unfortunately, I'm doing this for the both of us," Yahtzee said, now looking at Applejack. "And then there is you."

"What d'ya mean by that?" Applejack asked brazenly.

"Well for one, what kind of a name is "Applejack"?" he asked, sporting a curious eye. "But I have to admit, you have a Strong southern accent, you are hard working and honest. All commendable aspects."

"Thank ya' kindly."

"And it is ruined by the fact that you have an idiotic name," he added as he shook his head in disapproval. "If it wasn't for the name then I would say you would be the most believable of the personas here."

"What d'ya mean 'stupid name'?" the farming pony asked angrily.

"Well it's simple. Your name is that of a breakfast cereal," he said impishly. He then gasped and raised his hands to his face. "Hey! Here's an idea! I think I'll call you "Keloggs"."

"I don't think Ah care much for that n-"

"I'm sorry, what was that, Keloggs?" Yahtzee asked quietly, putting his hand to the side of his head. "Did you say something?"

"Ah said that Ah don't think ah-" she started, beginning to walk towards Yahtzee.

"I'm sorry dear, I can't here you over the product placement!" Yahtzee yelled, making Applejack take a couple steps back.

"Why, Ah have half a mind t-"

"I was just going to say that," he said, now facing outwards towards the other ponies. "You all heard it straight from the horses mouth."

Applejack started towards Yahtzee, but found herself being stopped by Twilights magic. Applejack glared at Twilight but she just shook her head. Applejack looked back at Yahtzee, took a deep breath and nodded.

"She even has a short fuse," he said. "How delightfully stereotypical! What's next, are you going to take out your boomstick and go hunting for deer?"

"Hey, you can't treat her like that!" the cyan pegasus exclaimed, flying well above Yahtzee.

"Well if it isn't the walking gay pride parade with wings, Rainbow Dash."

"What did you just call me?" Rainbow Dash yelled.

"Right, you're so far up you can't hear me. Well how about this..." Yahtzee said before putting his palms to the front of his face to amplify his voice. "You might want to come down love, you might catch a cold all the way up there."

"Who do you think you are?" she yelled, zooming straight down to Yahtzee.

"I think I am a magnificent man with extraordinary tastes," he said simply, adjusting the hat on his head. "Wouldn't you say so Keloggs?"

Applejack glared at him and spit on the ground in disgust.

"See? She agrees with me."

Applejack then kicked some dirt at Yahtzee an he stepped out of its way.

"Careful, don't want to ruin my delightful outfit, do we?" he tutted, turning back to Rainbow Dash with a smile. "And another thing, let's take a look at your wings."

"What's wrong with my wings?" Rainbow Dash asked, squinting at him.

"For one it makes you look straight up Peter Molyneux stupid," he said. "You look like you belong in a circus, for Christs sake."

Rainbow Dash snarled and started to charge at Yahtzee.

"Hang on, I'm not done yet," he said, raising his hand in the air.

"If you want to stay alive, you are..." Rainbow Dash looked at Twilight who shook her head, telling her not to do anything bad.

"Trust me, this is how I live," he grunted, now putting his attention on the pink pony.

"It's okay, I think I'll skip my turn," Pinkie said quietly, sinking back.

"I think not, icing top. Aren't you supposed to be the so called element of "Laughter"? Well then you should find this to be a hoot."

"Really?" Pinkie inquired hopefully, smiling shakily.

"Of course. I mean for one, you are comprised of one color. You just scream hilariously bland. Pink body, pink hair, the only thing different about you is that you have blue eyes. At least the butch has the courage to tie-dye her hair, even if it does scream her sexuality to the world."

"I don't think I'm bland..." Pinkie said quietly as Rainbow Dash's right eye began to twitch with anger.

"Let me guess, you enjoy throwing parties, yeah?"

"I love throwing parties," Pinkie nodded quickly, going back to her happy self.

"I assume that you serve punch and cupcakes?" he asked pleasantly, to which Pinkie replied to with a nod "How blatantly childish. How old are you, five? How about instead of wasting your time on the small stuff, throw an actual party, you silly tosser."

"I don't think I like you very much..." she said, taking a step back, looking at the ground. "And I usually like everypony."

"Well as you can see, unless you are stupider than I first thought, I am not a pony."

"Why are you saying these mean things? I don't even know you."

"Well the world is a harsh place, and I... I am it's herald."

"And to think I wanted to be your friend."

"Here's an idea. Grow up. The world is full of people like me so you better get your dose of reality now before it gets worse than this."

Fluttershy was now sitting next to the imp, checking on it to make sure it's okay.

"And you," he said with a laugh.

Fluttershy crouched behind the imp, trying to break out of his gaze.

"You are supposed to represent kindness?" Yahtzee scoffed. "That is probably the most useless of all. How do you expect to get anywhere in life going out of your way and helping others?"

"Please... stop," Fluttershy begged quietly.

"Oho ho, I think not," he said. "Let' take a gander at you. You have a tattoo of butterflies on your ass. What kind of sentient being with half a brain would do that?"

"Stop yelling at me..." Fluttershy said, only slightly louder than before.

"And what exactly are you doing? Cowering behind a brainless creature?" he asked, motioning towards the imp. "I don't even know where to start with that. How is using something as a shield kind?"

Fluttershy looked up at Yahtzee, tears streaming out of her eyes. She then got up and started to run away, sobbing quietly. Yahtzee stared at her go, feeling bad for reducing her to tears.

"That's it, I've had enough of him. It's bad enough you made fun of me, but you don't make Fluttershy cry!" Rainbow Dash yelled furiously, shooting down straight towards Yahtzee.

"Oh bugger." Yahtzee yelled, jumping to the side and narrowly avoiding the cyan assailant.

Yahtzee looked at the imp and picked him up and held him like a shield as he ran away from his new enemy.

"Let him run," Twilight said calmly. "We are the element of harmony. We should act like it."

"But he made Fluttershy cry," Rainbow Dash growled, looking around. "Even if Princess Celestia did that, I would still yell at her."

"He clearly isn't from around here. Maybe he just doesn't know how the way things work."

"Even so, how can he expect to get away with what he said?" Rarity asked.

"Please girls. Let's just give my plan a shot." Twilight sighed. "Who knows, he may actually be a nice guy, mean comments aside. He's in a new world, I'm sure this is very shocking to him."

"Fine. But I don't have to like it," Rainbow Dash grunted, crossing her forelegs in disapproval. "Let's go grab Fluttershy too. If he doesn't do it on his own, I'll make him apologize."

Yahtzee ran in to the town, carrying the imp over him like an umbrella. He veered in between gawking ponies, trying to find a safe place to hide. He looked at a spot in between two buildings that had a large cardboard box in it so he ran up to it and crawled inside.

"Well, aren't I off to a brilliant start?" he asked himself as he shifted uncomfortably.

The imp then stood up and fell back over and started snoring lightly.

"Stupid little wanker," Yahtzee muttered sourly, then sighed deeply. "This is all your fault to begin with..."

The girls went in to town to try and find Yahtzee. It wasn't hard to pin point his location as there were many ponies and stallions talking about this odd occurrence, and it took them just a couple of minutes to see a cardboard box that was moving back and forth. Rainbow Dash zoomed up to it and hit the top of it.

"You in there smart-mouth?" Rainbow Dash asked angrily.

"No. No I'm not. Go away."

"I am going to count to three, and if you aren't out here by then, you are going to be in a world of hurt." she said as a warning.

"I am quite fine in here, I assure you."

"One," she started.

"Bloody hell."

"Two," she said loudly, bringing her hoof back, getting ready to hit the box.

Yahtzee looked over at the imp and grabbed him.

"Three. Alright, you asked for it."

Before Rainbow Dash went to grab him, the box shot open and the imp stumbled out with Yahtzee's hat on it's head.

"Here I am," Yahtzee said in a failed attempt to throw his voice. "I deserve whatever punishment you see fit."

"For the love of Celestia, get out here now!" Rainbow Dash yelled impatiently.

"Are you going to hurt me?" Yahtzee asked, snatching the hat from the ground and placing his hat back on his head.

"I can't make any promises."

"Then I'm good in here. I have no plans on being beaten harder than a teenager who just found out what his lefty is good for."

The box then turned purple and got flipped on it's side, causing Yahtzee to spill out.

"Hello there," he said. "It's, uh, nice to see you here on this fine day."

"We need to have a chat," Twilight said as she and the others surrounded him.

Yahtzee Reviews - Brain Injury

Youtube Video

"You are one sentence away from being hospitalized. Make it count." Rainbow Dash warned the nervous Yahtzee.

"Er, what exactly am I supposed to be doing?" Yahtzee asked edgily.

Rainbow Dash huffed and started walking towards Yahtzee.

"Wait, wait, wait. Okay I am beginning to see what you want," he said. He quickly looked over at Fluttershy and nodded. "I'm sorry that I was being honest. Won't happen again."

"Wrong answer," Rainbow Dash growled.

Rainbow Dash flew towards Yahtzee at full speed and kicked him in the chest, which sent him flying halfway through the wall of one of the buildings.

"Rainbow Dash!" Twilight exclaimed.

"He had it coming and you know it!"

"I don't mean to be a bother, but I appear to be stuck in a wall." Yahtzee said, struggling to get out of the wall.

"We should leave him," Rainbow Dash snickered.

"Rainbow Dash, I am appalled at you. We are civilized ponies," Rarity said regally. She then turned to Yahtzee and glared. "We should only leave him in there five minutes tops."

Twilight rolled her eyes and used her magic to pull Yahtzee out of the wall. Yahtzee stood up and stumbled around for a couple seconds before getting his footings.

"Alright, I'm trying to be as nice as I can towards you, but you are making it extremely difficult," Twilight said quietly, trying to appeal to Yahtzee's decency. Something she hadn't really considered if he had or not.

"Sorry, last time I went to a different world I was treated rather poorly," he said sarcastically, wiping the dust off of his hat.

"You've been to different worlds?" she asked with a gasp.

Yahtzee was about to make a snide comment, but saw Rainbow Dash squinting at him. He then closed his eyes, counted to three and let out a deep breath.

"Er, no. It was a joke," he said, trying extremely hard to be... nice.

Twilight's features softened and she let out a soft sigh. "I was beginning to think that your species could only talk negatively."

"No, just the majority of us," he said, forcing a tight lipped smile.

"I'm going against my better judgement here and giving you one more chance to apologize." Rainbow Dash said.

"Fine. Er, Fluttershy was it? I sincerely apologize for making you cry," he said stiffly.

"That sounded extremely forced," she muttered, slowly walking towards Yahtzee.

"That's because I am unaccustomed to apologies. Usually the things that I rip apart don't have feelings,, so I am quite unaccustomed to seeing something break down into tears," he said reasonably.

"You mean this isn't the first time you've done this?" Twilight asked.

"Hardly. I've done more reviews than the amount of childhood memories George Lucas has quashed."

"If you don’t mind me asking, why do you do these so called reviews?" Rarity asked.

"Well, I get paid to do it."

"Ya get paid t' make fun of others?" Applejack asked.

"Not others specifically. I review these things called video games. Do you have those here?"

"We have plenty of games!" Pinkie said. "We have board games, we have party games, we have-"

Rainbow Dash put her hoof over Pinkies mouth and sighed.

"What is a video game?" Twilight asked.

"Well it is much like regular games except it is projected onto a screen," Yahtzee replied.

"I believe we have something like that here. But what is the appeal to these games?" Twilight asked.

"Well what most people see in it is that multiple people can participate in said games from across the world. You are no longer forced to leave your home to play games with your friends."

"That sounds fun!" Pinkie said.

"It would be if playing with others wasn't like tossing an egg in a blender expecting it to come out unscathed."

"What do you mean by that?" Rarity asked.

"Take a look at me and say some of my negative qualities."

"You seem to be extremely rude for one," Rarity said thoughtfully.

"And you're also really mean," Pinkie said.

"You also could learn when to shut up," Rainbow Dash glared.

"Other than the fact that those are all basically the same trait, you are right. Now imagine the majority of the people that play said video games are exactly like me, bar the blissfully sweet accent, and add the fact that they don't get paid to analyse things."

"That doesn't sound like a lot of fun," Twilight remarked.

"Exactly," Yahtzee said.

"So then... why do you do it if it isn't fun?" Pinkie asked.

"Because other people find it funny," Yahtzee shrugged.

The girls all looked at each other then back at Yahtzee.

"So what happened to you? How did you end up here?" Twilight asked.

"I don't know really. My employer gave me a video game to review and it just happened to be called "My Little Pony and the New Element"," he shrugged helplessly.

"That sounds like a fun game!" Pinkie exclaimed.

Yahtzee slammed his eyes shut, clenched his fists and held his breath. Don't do it Yahtzee. You're doing well so far. Don't say anything stupid. Yahtzee shuddered and let out a relieved sigh.

"Are you okay?" Twilight asked.

"I am finding it very difficult to treat you this way," he answered.

"Well you're hardly being nice, so I can't see how this could be such a strain," Rarity said.

"This is me being nice. And to be honest as bright as this place is it certainly isn't making me any chipper," Yahtzee muttered in a strained voice.

"What is wrong with it?" Pinkie asked.

"Well I don't want to say anything out of fear of the gay one breaking my precious visage," he said, then quickly covered his mouth as Rainbow Dash lunged at him, hooves first. "Oh god, I didn't say that, I swear."

Yahtzee turned to run, but Rainbow Dash's hooves connected with the back of his head and a large cracking noise was heard. The girls gasped as Yahtzee fell limp to the ground.

"Rainbow Dash, what did you do?" Twilight gasped, trotting up to Yahtzee.

"I think you may have just killed him," Rarity said quietly.

"I didn't think I hit him that hard." Rainbow Dash said worriedly, rushing next to Yahtzee.

Twilight lowered her horn to Yahtzee's forehead and it started to glow. After a few seconds she let out a relieved sigh.

"He seems to be okay, but I can't tell for sure," she said quietly. "We need to bring him to my library, maybe I can find out more there."

"Why do you want to help him? He seems to be a total pain in the flank," Rainbow Dash muttered.

"For one, I don't think he asked to come here so something else must have brought him. Two, we could learn a lot from him, more about his culture and what others of his species are like. Three, you knocked him out, he at least deserves to be treated," Twilight said.

"Come on, he totally had it coming!" she countered.

"He may have had something coming, but I don't think it should have been that, nor should you have been the one to do it," the unicorn retorted firmly.

"Whatever," Rainbow Dash grunted. "All I know is I am not going to be the one carrying him."

"Ah'll do it." Applejack said, walking up to Yahtzee. "Rainbow, put him on mah back an' ah'll carry him."

"Fine," Rainbow Dash said under her voice.

"What about his pet?" Pinkie asked.

Fluttershy looked over at the imp, which was now wandering aimlessly.

"I'll bring him," Fluttershy said quietly, walking up to the imp. "Come here, I won't hurt you."

The imp turned and walked straight to Fluttershy, who then picked it up and placed it on her back.

A few hours later.

"He's waking up," Twilight said quickly, rushing next to Yahtzee's side.

Yahtzee groaned and quickly started to sit up, but fell back down with a throbbing sensation in his head.

"Where am I?" he asked in confusion.

"You are in the Ponyville library - my home - and you are safe," she assured him. "You gave us quite a shock back there."

"What did I do exactly?"

"You don't remember?" Twilight asked in return with a visible sign of concern on her face.

"Oh don't worry my mind is still as pristine as ever, I just remember saying words. What I don't remember was threatening to murder anyone," he muttered, rubbing his head.

"Oh, you didn't say anything that terrible," Fluttershy said quietly.

"Then why in the name of everything do I feel as if someone tried to do the same to me to prevent me from doing it?" he asked.

"Well, Rainbow Dash wasn't exactly too happy about you calling her names..." Twilight replied.

Yahtzee quickly looked around and noticed it was just Twilight and Fluttershy in the room.

"Where are the others? Not that I don't mind that they left, mind you, just curious."

"After Rainbow Dash knocked you unconscious I decided that we should bring you here so I could make sure you were alright," Twilight stated. "And then when they-"

"Hold on, why did you bring me here exactly?" he asked in a puzzled tone.

"As I said, I wanted to make sure you were alright," she replied quickly. "Anyways, when we brought you here they-"

"Why didn't you do the logical thing and bring me to a hospital?" he snapped, which only made the pain in his head flare.

"Well I don't know if we told you this, but we still don't know what you are," she said with a hint of annoyance in her voice. "Our hospitals doctors would not know what to do with you since they don't know how your body works."

"Oh..." he muttered, rubbing the back of hi neck. "I guess that actually makes sense. I guess I'm... sorry?"

"It's alright," she said with a smile, thinking now she could actually talk to him. "As I was saying when you were hit by Rainbow Dash I had you brought here so I could check on you. When we put you on the table I told the others to leave because I felt that if they were here you would say something you would regret... again."

"Fifteen minutes here and I am already pissing everybody off. I think I may have very well beat my previous record," he chuckled. He turned to Fluttershy who was petting the imp, which had its eyes closed. "I wouldn't touch him if I were you."

"Why? He seems nice to me," Fluttershy said softly.

"It's just that I'm pretty sure those things are the stupidest creatures ever created, and I think it might be contagious," he murmured.

Fluttershy looked down to see the imp smiling lazily with its eyes half closed.

"He doesn't seem stupid to me..." Fluttershy cooed as she rubbed its belly. "What's his name?"

"It is an "it", not a "he". And it does not have a name," he groaned.

"Isn't he your pet?"

Yahtzee burst out with laughter and hold onto his stomach, much to the confusion of Fluttershy.

"Oh, that's rich," he chuckled. "That thing makes the Kardashians seem up to par with Einstein. Why on earth would I look after something that can barely remember how to breathe?"

"That's not very nice..."

"I'm sorry, I was under the impression we had met before." he said seriously, lifting a curious brow at her. "Shall we start again?"

"No thank you," she replied hastily.

"If a name is that important to you, fine," he sighed. "How about Butterballs? Or Senor Shaftington?"

"I don't think it would like those names..."

"As I said, it doesn't know anything anyways, so you can call it anything."

"What's everypony talking about down there?" came a voice from upstairs.

"Spike, come down here," Twilight yelled.

"Alright, give me a sec," the voice replied.

"Who is Spike?" Yahtzee asked. "Please don't tell me he is a talking dog."

"Of course not, that would be silly. He is a dragon."

"Oh... Wait, a w-what?" he stuttered.

"Don't worry, he's just a baby dragon," she repeated.

"Don't worry? You keep a bloody dragon in here?" he yelled. "Are you daft? That is probably the most irresponsibly dangerous thing I have ever heard!"

"He isn't like other dragons. He is actually really nice," she said in an attempt to reassure him.

"I'll hold you to that when he's ripping my throat out," Yahtzee exclaimed.

A door opening and some light footsteps were heard from upstairs. Yahtzee jumped behind the table that he used to be on to hide from Spike.

"What did you want to see me about, Twi?" the voice asked.

"We have a visitor that I think you should meet," Twilight said, motioning towards the table with a white hat seemingly hovering behind it.

"Our visitor is a white hat?" Spike asked in disbelief.

"No, the visitor is behind the table. Come on out Yahtzee, he won't bite," Twilight sighed at Yahtzee, thinking she had already well enough explained that there was no danger.

Yahtzee slowly peered over the table and quickly lost all his fear.

"That's a dragon?" Yahtzee asked curiously.

"Yeah, I'm a dragon," Spike said with a proud smile, not batting an eye at the alien creature. "It's nice to meet you, Yah-"

"You don't look like a dragon..."

"What do you mean by that?" Spike asked hesitantly.

"Dragons are supposed to be menacing and threatening. I'd be no more scared of you than I would be of a crippled bunny," Yahtzee said. "You look like you should be on TV selling car insurance."

"This guy seems more condescending than Trixie and I've only known him for twelve seconds," Spike muttered.

"You haven't heard anything yet," he said maliciously.

Yahtzee Reviews - Ponyville's Colorful Residents

Youtube Video

"Yahtzee, please try and contain yourself," Twilight hushed, trying to make Yahtzee shut up.

"Come on, look at him! He is a midget!" Yahtzee chuckled. "He is about as menacing as a toaster with a water pistol taped to it's side."

Spike huffed and smoke came out of his nose.

"Was that him getting mad, or has he just been sitting on the stove for a bit too long?" Yahtzee asked with a snort.

"Yahtzee!" Twilight snapped.

"What? What did I do?" he inquired seriously.

"Spike has done nothing to you, so leave him alone," she said calmly.

"But..." he started, but met Twilight's look. It wasn't a look of hate, but a calming look. That unnerved Yahtzee to a great degree. "Er, right."

"Well?" she asked.

"Well what?" Yahtzee asked, raising one of his brows.

"Apologize."

"I've already apologized once in my life and I plan on not doing it again."

"Why?"

"Because I don't bloody well get paid to apologize!" he exclaimed. Yahtzee coughed and rubbed the back of his head. "So how about instead we just leave it be, that way I stop and I don't have to kill off half my brain cells to apologize."

"How hard could it be to say sorry?" Spike asked.

Yahtzee's brow furrowed and his eye twitched. He turned around and started to walk towards the door.

"I'm going for a walk," Yahtzee said calmly.

"I think you should stay inside," she sighed. "I don't think many ponies saw you before. Who knows how many might get scared by your appearance."

"Why would anybody be scared of me?"

"Well for starters, you do not have a neck, a mouth, ears, a nose, nor do you have any legs," Twilight went on. "Your head and hooves-"

"Hands. Hands and feet," Yahtzee corrected.

"Okay. Your head, hands and feet do not seem to be attached to you in any way."

"Your point?"

"Don't you think it would be a little odd to see somepony-"

"Somebody," he corrected her again.

"Don't you think it would be a little odd to see somebody that looks like, well, you?" she continued icily, trying to make it obvious that her patience was wearing thin.

"Don't you think it would be a little odd to find yourself in a different dimension - or whatever the hell this is - surrounded by multi-colored talking horses?" Yahtzee asked. "Personally, I think I would find that very odd, and if that were to somehow happen, I would probably try to let off some steam. God forbid I'm allowed to do what I do for a damned living."

"Well, I suppose I could try to find a spell that could turn you into a pony," she said thoughtfully, turning to her bookshelf. "That way nopony would think you look out-"

Twilight turned back to see that Yahtzee had left the library and was setting a brisk pace to wherever was not there.

"-of place." Twilight finished with a groan.

Yahtzee had sprinted all the way back to town, catching the eyes of many ponies and stallions. Eventually he realized that he was running away from nothing so he stopped by a fountain. He looked at his reflection and splashed water in his face.

"Wake up Yahtzee, this is all a terrible nightmare," he sputtered.

"What is that thing?" a voice said from behind him.

"It's a hat," he said sarcastically.

"It can talk? That is so cool." another voice said.

"Yes I can talk," he said, whipping around to see two ponies standing behind him. One was an aqua marine pony with a lyre cutie mark, while the other one was a pale-yellow with three pieces of candy as her cutie mark.

"Who and what are you?" the aqua marine pony asked.

"Before I answer that, let me ask you this. Why in the bloody hell does every horse here seem to be so damn involved with everything? Can't you just go about your business in a regular manner without having to stop and try to help and our question everything? God forbid I'm an alien from a different planet and you don't know if I'm dangerous or not. You should be running around screaming right now, not trying to talk to me and become my friend. And another thing-"

"He talks pretty fast," she smirked.

"Yes, he does," the other pony said.

Yahtzee blinked once and his eyes drooped. "You didn't listen to a word I said, did you?"

"Gee, he seems to be kind of angry."

"I wonder why. Maybe if we introduce ourselves he will be happier." the first pony said with excitement.

They're not going to leave me alone, are they? Yahtzee thought to himself.

"My name is Bon Bon," the pale-yellow pony said.

"Fantastic, another pony with yet another painfully unimaginative name. What's yours, Lovey-Dovey-Bluey-Wahey?"

"No, it's Lyra."

"That's... an oddly bearable name actually," he said curiously. "Bravo, there may be a sliver of hope for this place after all."

"Lyra Heartstrings," she added.

"And there goes that hope in one fell swoop. Bravo," Yahtzee said under his breath.

"What's your name?" Bon Bon asked.

"I don't suppose you'll leave me be if I tell you?" he said, raising a brow, but the ponies simply stared at him. "Didn't think so. My name is Yahtzee."

"Well it's a pleasure to meet you, Yahtzee."

"It's too bad I can't say the same," he grunted.

"That's not a very nice thing to say," Lyra said sadly.

"Speaking of saying, how can you talk if you don't have a mouth?" Bon Bon asked.

"I'm going to have to answer that question with every pony here, aren't I?" Yahtzee asked.

"You must admit it is kind of odd that you don't have a mouth or the fact that you are walking on your back hoofs and not on all four hoofs."

"That's because these aren't hooves. These are called feet," he said, kicking a rock on the ground. Yahtzee then grabbed the hat off his head and gave a somehow narcissistic bow. "And these are hands, and you do not use them to walk."

"If you don't use your hands for walking, then what do you use them for?"

"Lots of things. I'm sure a surly teenager could tell you all about his experiences with hands, but I'm just going to say that they're used for grabbing things."

"Cool," Lyra said with a sweet smile.

"Uh-huh," he said, now pointing to the other side of town. "Listen why don't you two go over here, and I will stay here smashing my face repeatedly into the wall in an attempt to get back to my planet, hm?"

"You're from a different planet?" Bon Bon asked curiously. "I thought you were just from a different area."

"Wait until the other ponies hear that there is an alien here!" Lyra said ecstatically. "They will totally want to meet him!"

"Er, do you think that you could not tell anybody I was here?" Yahtzee asked.

"Why would you want nobody to know who you are if you're going to be staying here?"

"Staying here? Are you dense?" he exclaimed. "Didn't you just hear that I wanted to go back home? I swear it's like I'm talking to that delightfully violent butch all over again."

"You should be happy that I don't hit you again," Rainbow Dash said as she appeared behind Yahtzee.

"Oh bugger!" Yahtzee yelled as he jumped into the fountain and submerged himself.

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and took Yahtzee out of the fountain. Yahtzee glanced around and saw Rainbow Dash was being accompanied by the other girls.

"Oh what a, er, pleasant surprise to see you," he said with a voice that contained nothing but forced sincerity. "I am ever so glad to see you all aga-"

"If I may make a suggestion, I would urge you to consider to stop talking," Rarity said firmly.

"May I say that that is one of the greatest ideas I have ever heard?"

"Listen, I'm going against my better judgement and I'm giving you... what did Twilight call it?" Rainbow Dash asked as she turned to her bookworm of a friend.

"Benefit of the doubt," Twilight sighed.

"Yeah, that," Rainbow Dash nodded, looking back to Yahtzee. "Now are you prepared to talk this through like an adult?"

Yahtzee violently nodded his head and sighed.

"Good," she said, dropping Yahtzee to the ground. "If you have anything to say, say it now because I might not be in as good of a mood later."

"When one does a review, they very rarely need to revisit the thing they reviewed," he said earnestly. "That being said it is in my nature to review and I cannot just stop."

"Is it possible we could somehow make a compromise until you get back home?" Rarity asked.

"Well, I suppose you could allow me to review other ponies to a certain degree, and I will try to remain dignified and somewhat respectful."

"Like that will happen," Rainbow Dash said as she crossed her forelegs.

"Would it be possible t' keep your reviews in your mind, and then write it on a piece a paper later on?" Applejack asked.

"If I do not present my review of them, how do you expect them to better themselves? Remember, one does not do a review for the sake of reviewing. They do them for the betterment of the reviewee."

"Ah don't think callin' me Keloggs is gunna better me in any way," Applejack grunted.

"I suppose that much is true, but you have to admit it is an adorable name," he chortled.

"Are ya gunna aplogize for callin' me that then?"

"Are you going to physically harm me if I don't?" Yahtzee inquired.

"No, but Ah think-"

"Then no," he stated cruelly. "One does not apologize for art."

"Twilight, can I please hit him again?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"That is not the way we do it here Dash, you know that."

"Well how about a vote then? All in favor of hitting him, raise your hoof," she said as she raised her hoof.

Rainbow Dash turned to Applejack who guiltily rose her hoof. Rarity slowly put up her hoof and looked away from the others.

"You too rarity?"

"As opposed as I am to violence, I do not think it was necessary for him to treat us that way, and talking is not proving to be doing us any good."

"I vote for no, if that helps," Yahtzee coughed as he rubbed the side of his head. his eyes suddenly shot open as he pointed off in the distance. "My god, what's that over there?"

The six girls turned their heads and began to look off in the distance.

"I don't see anything," Rainbow Dash muttered.

"Ooh, is it the cloud that looks like a hat?" Pinkie asked.

Rainbow Dash quickly turned back to the spot where Yahtzee used to be standing to see that it was no vacant. She let out a large groan and flew upwards.

"What are you doing Dashie?" Pinkie asked.

"He ran away. Again," she said as she began to look around.

"I think I know who he needs to talk to," Twilight said quietly as she started to trot away. "Come on girls."

Deeper into Ponyville, Yahtzee hopped over a small fence and fell to the ground.

"Stupid... horses," he chuckled through deep breaths.

Yahtzee took five minutes to recuperate before shakily stood up and looked around, hoping that he would find someway to get home without having to interact with any of the ponies. He slowly edged towards the end of the fence and looked around. There was a barren road between all the houses and no pony was in sight. With a sigh of relief, Yahtzee went to the middle of the road and started to look around at the buildings that surrounded him.

"How can they live in this place?" he murmured as he noted one of the buildings looked as if it was made out of gingerbread.

Suddenly, Yahtzee's fist began to glow yellow. He yelped and began to shake his fist violently, trying to get the aura off of him. Soon he found his entire body surrounded by the veil and he slammed his eyes shut, trying to ignore it in hopes that it would go away. He then felt the sensation of flying without actually moving. He slowly opened his eyes to find that he was no longer in the middle of the road, but was now in an extremely large room, sitting on a red carpet.

"Where in Dumbledore's beard am I now?" Yahtzee asked.

"You are in Canterlot castle," a voice said from behind him. "I've heard you've been causing quite the display in Ponyville."

Yahtzee turned around to see a large, winged unicorn sitting on a throne with a warm and inviting smile on her face.

"Well it's good to see my reputation proceeds me. Now who are you?" Yahtzee asked as he saw the giant horse sitting upon a throne.

"I am Princess Celestia."

"Oh, I've never reviewed a Princess before," Yahtzee said playfully. "This should be fun."

Yahtzee Reviews - The Royal Sisters

Youtube Video

"You wish to review me?" Celestia asked curiously, mane flowing like a slow stream.

"Ah, I do not wish to review you that much anymore, seeing as you're such an easy target," Yahtzee said pensively. "Honestly, what is it with this place? It looks like something out of a six year old girls imagination."

"How so?"

"Bright ponies, princess ponies, ponies, ponies, ponies. That's all I've seen around here, next to that shameful excuse for a dragon," he grunted. "Actually, you know what? I have nothing better to do, so I will review you. My first point is just what in the bloody fuck is going on with your hair."

"My hair?" she asked, furrowing her brow slightly.

"Yes. Either there is a draft in here or your hair is possessed by a flamboyant ghost," he paused and squinted his eyes. "Judging by the sparkles I would guess the latter, actually. And if you don't mind me asking, what is your ass tattoo supposed to mean exactly?"

Celestia shifted in her seat, keeping a stern look on her face.

"From what I've gathered from our conversation, you don't appear to be the brightest of ponies, so why is it a sun?"

"I am the Princess of the sun, and it is my duty to raise and lower it at the beginning, as well as the end of each day."

"Move the sun?" he snorted. "Not bloody likely. Not only is that completely illogical, but it would take nothing short of a god to do so."

Celestia gave him a smile and he gave her an unimpressed glance.

"You're not trying to imply you're a god are you?"

"I'm not implying anything," she jested. "But what makes it so hard to believe?"

"Well for one you look nothing like me."

"And I am quite happy about that," she said impishly.

Yahtzee began a soft chuckle, but quickly smothered it with a cough.

"Something the matter?" Celestia asked.

"Nothing, just clearing my throat. Must be all the pixie dust in the air."

"This is nothing. When it comes time for their mating season, that dust gets everywhere," she tutted lightly.

Yahtzee fell into a silence and stared at Celestia, who offered nothing more than a calming smile.

"Well, I'll certainly try to better myself on the points you have brought up," she said with an appreciative nod.

"Oh, good for you then," he laughed. "Twilight and her friends didn't seem to keen on using my reviews to help themselves. Especially Keloggs and the rainbow one."

"I'll be sure to tell them to not take your words literally, but rather look for the message behind them," she promised with another smile.

"You know, maybe you aren't that bad," he said reluctantly.

"Thank you," the Princess chuckled. Her smile faltered a tiny bit and she narrowed her eyes slightly. "Now for a more pressing matter, what are you and what did you do that made you arrive here?"

"I don't know exactly what happened, all I know is I want to leave as soon as possible."

"I will try my best to help you get home, but you have to tell me how exactly you arrived here."

"Well, in my world, dimension or whatever this place is in relation to this place, I get paid to review video games. I had just finished recording my last review, but as soon as I finished I was told I had to review another video game. I found this odd because I've never been told to review a game right after I'm done recording. Usually I'm allowed a day or so to recuperate from the garbage I play. This one was called "My Little Pony and the New Element" and it ended up freezing my computer, and when I tried to fix it something knocked me into this world."

"That's odd..." Celestia interrupted quietly.

"Hm? What's odd?"

"Did Twilight mention the Elements of Harmony to you?"

"Ah, is that the sappy title of whatever those six horses gave to me before I came here?"

"Yes, that is them."

"What about them?"

"Think of the title of that game you were supposed to review."

"Yeah, the New Elemen- oh you're kidding me," he sputtered. "You're not implying what I think you're implying, are you?"

"I'm not implying anything, merely stating an observation."

"Uh-huh. Well I don't think I like your observation."

"I apologize for noting it then. But even so I think you should stay in Equestria for a bit, just in case."

"Oh god no. Please, I don't beg often, but please don't make me stay here. It's awful," he pleaded.

"I'm afraid there isn't much I can do for you otherwise. I don't know of any way to send you back home, but I will try my hardest in the meantime to figure out a spell to do so. For now, I would suggest you try to fit in."

"Fit in? How do you expect me to do th- oh no you don't!"

Celestia said nothing, but rather raised a brow at him.

"Don't tell me you're going to turn me into a horse like you. That Twilight pony wanted to do it to me, and I'll be damned if-"

"Why would I do that?" Celestia asked, interrupting Yahtzee completely. "You're from an entirely different place. Not only would changing the shape of your body provide a great amount of discomfort on your part, but it would take you quite a bit to adjust with your new body so you would have a lot of trouble doing almost anything. In fact, who is to say that the sudden transformation would not kill you?"

"Oh," he said simply.

"Oh?"

"I half expected you to turn me into a horse since you're making me stay, it hadn't actually occurred to me how stupid that would have been."

"You're making it sound like you want me to turn you into a stallion."

"I assure you, I'm quite enough of a stallion, thank you very much," he chuckled, adjusting his hat.

"Well that settles that then," she said with a smile. "Now for the matter of finding you a place to stay..."

"You're not going to make me stay with one of those six horses are you?"

"Again, that seems silly. I, as well as my subjects, hardly know you, so why would they be so eager to allow you to reside in their home?"

"Ha, another excellent point," he boomed. He paused and glared at her. "Hey now, stop that!"

"Stop what?"

"You're doing something and I don't like it."

"What am I doing?" Celestia asked innocently.

"You're making me feel... comfortable..." he shuddered. "I don't like it."

"Sister, it is my turn to reign." a voice said boomed, coming from behind Yahtzee.

Yahtzee whipped his head around to see another winged unicorn, much like Celestia but with a dark sapphire coat.

"Christ's blood, there certainly are a lot of you here," he muttered.

"Who is this?" the new pony said with a smile.

"My name is Yahtzee, not that it matters. Who are you?"

"I am Princess Luna, manipulator of the moon," she said with a curtsy. "It is a pleasure to meet you, Yahtzee."

"I'm sure it is," he grunted, turning back to Celestia. "So why is she Luna and you're Celestia?"

"Hm?" Celestia asked.

"Well if she is the Princess of the moon and her name is Luna, that makes a slim degree of sense. But you're in charge of the sun and your name is Celestia, right?"

"Yes, that is correct."

"Shouldn't your name be Sol seeing as Luna is Latin for moon?" Yahtzee asked curiously. "And speaking of Latin, something just occurred to me. How is it possible that both of us speak the same language? You would think that because we are from two entire different planes, our speech patterns would differ more than a Treckie differs from a Star Wars fanatic."

"That is something I can't answer," she shrugged. She turned to Luna and nodded. "Luna, may you bring Yahtzee to one of the guest rooms for the night? I will hold the throne until you come back."

"Very well," Luna smiled, looking at Yahtzee. "Follow me, Yahtzee."

"Right," he muttered as he followed Luna out the door.

"Well, Yahtzee, what brings you here?" she asked as she started down the hallway.

"Oh you know, the regular stuff. Try to live my life and something goes horribly wrong..."

"I'm sorry to hear about that."

"I'd be more worried about feeling sad for myself, if I were you," he coughed, inviting her to take the bait.

"Why is that?"

Perfect, he thought to himself. "Firstly it looks like someone pulled a prank on you."

"Prank? What kind of prank?"

"How should I put this? it looks like someone grabbed a container of cerulean blue paint and slapped it on your rump."

"Excuse me?" Luna asked flatly.

"You're excused."

"You're quite the rude one, aren't you?"

"I thought pointing out that someone pulled a prank on you was quite the opposite of rude. Also, how is being the lesser sister going for you?"

"What do you mean by lesser sister?" she asked, eyes narrowing on her guest.

"Well for one, you supposedly command the moon, but everybody is asleep, so nobody is around to recognize your work. Not to mention that Celestia pony seems to have a more regal about her. Heck, it's supposed to be your time on the throne and she said she would take care of it for now. Shows how much she needs you."

"How dare you!" Luna snapped

"You want to yell?" Yahtzee hollered. "I can yell too if you want!"

"Thou are an insignificant insect!" she shouted furiously. "I could quash thyself in a matter of-"

"What's with the archaic speech patterns all of the sudden? This isn't Shakespeare. love."

Luna's horn began to glow blue and she lowered her head.

"Ooh, I'm so scared. I'm positively shaking in my boots."

Luna narrowed her eyes and the glow around her horn disappeared.

"Chickened out, did you?" he asked boastfully, thinking he called her bluff.

Luna covered her mouth with her hoof and began to giggle.

"What? What's so funny?" Yahtzee asked curiously.

Luna used her free hoof to point at Yahtzee's back. Yahtzee turned his head and looked at his back, which now appeared to have a giant splatter of blue paint. Yahtzee turned back to Luna who was now on the floor laughing.

"Very funny," he grunted, trying to wipe the paint off of his back.

"Thank you," she said, trying to stop herself from laughing. "You wouldn't happen to be a jester would you?"

"It's a lot more complicated than that, but that's one way to put it..."

After five minutes of walking Luna came to a stop in front of a large golden doorway which had two ponies standing guard.

"Open the doors, please," she said with a smile.

"At once, Princess," the guards said in unison while they pushed the doors open.

Yahtzee stepped into the room to the room and began to observe it with a critical eye. The floor was a creamy white marble, with a few ornate rugs covering large portions of it. Three of the walls were white tiles, while the wall on the opposite side of the room to the door was just a large window with a glass door that led to a balcony, which was adorned with golden rails. Yahtzee then began to look at the furniture in the room. To the left of the door was an extremely large king sized bed, while on the opposite side of the room was a fireplace that was already crackling.

"A bit flashy, isn't it?" Yahtzee grunted, lifting up the corner of one of the rugs.

"You don't approve?" Luna asked.

"Not at all," he said, now looking under the rugs. "I mean honestly, how do you live in such a clean place? This room looks like it gets cleaned five times a day. Talk about over compensating in front of your guests."

"Yahtzee, you wouldn't happen to be feeling tired, would you?" she asked, raising her brow.

"Not particularly, why?"

"I was just wondering if you would like me to show you around the castle."

"As tempting as that is, I am afraid I am going to have to decline."

"Why?"

"How should I put this? I would much rather have someone shove a cheese grater down my throat and completely shred my insides over seeing more of this place..."

"You would much rather sit alone inside a room staring at a wall until you fall asleep?"

"Yes," he nodded.

"That's too bad," she pouted. Luna gasped and pointed behind Yahtzee. "Oh my goodness, what is that foreign object over there?"

"Over where?" he asked, turning around to look around the room.

Luna snagged Yahtzee's hat off of his head and placed it on her horn and began galloping down the hallway, giggling wildly.

"Blue bugger!" he snarled with pure animosity, sprinting after Luna. "Give me back my hat!"

"You'll have to catch me first," she said, sticking out her tongue as she looked back at Yahtzee.

Yahtzee Reviews - High Class Society

Youtube Video

"Why the hell are you doing this?" Yahtzee yelled as he sprinted past a pair of royal guards, who watched, dumbfounded, as Luna galloped past them.

"Because it's fun," she laughed as she ran through a large set of doors, into the Royal Gardens.

"Fun? Fun?" he cried. "This is about as much fun as an average MMORPG, and let me tell you, that is not fun."

"Come now, you cannot expect me to believe that you're this pessimistic."

"I sodding hate this place!" he bellowed, picking up his speed to catch the night Princess, even though he knew how helpless it was now that she was outside.

Luna quickly looked around, and smiled gleefully when she saw the perfect spot to go. Luna bounded through the gates of the palace, heading straight towards Canterlot. Yahtzee then stumbled outside, looking around in anger for the azure thief. He soon caught sight of her speeding towards Canterlot, and he only assumed she was giggling madly as she did so. Reluctantly, he began sprinting after her.

"Good evening," she said gracefully as she gracelessly ran past a pair of unicorns who were walking through Canterlot's streets.

The two unicorns looked at each other curiously before looking back at Princess Luna, who was running as fast as she could.

"My, is that Princess Luna?" a white unicorn with a monocle and dress shirt asked.

The slender, female unicorn nodded and put her head on the stallion neck

"What an odd sight. What pray tell is she doing running at this time of night?" the stallion mused as something appeared out of the corner of his eye.

"Give me back my hat you daft profligate!" Yahtzee yelled as he ran in front of the two unicorns.

The unicorns shared a confused glance with each other and looked at Luna who was still laughing as she ran away from Yahtzee.

"And just who was that?" the unicorn stallion said quietly. "Or rather what was that?"

The female unicorn gave a shrug, but continued to watch as Yahtzee barreled down the street after Luna.

"I find myself rather... Intrigued by these events, wouldn't you say?" the stallion asked bemusedly. "Let's say we go find out just what that thing was, and why it was angry at one of our majesties."

The feminine unicorn nodded and began following her companion.

"Listen, I'm not one for these little fetch quests in games, so why on Earth would I want to do one in real life?" Yahtzee yelled in a rough voice as Luna got to the center of Canterlot, her destination.

"I thought maybe you'd like the exercise," Luna smiled, growing tired herself.

"Well let's get one thing straight, I would not like that! Not one bit!" he snapped as he neared Luna, who was standing next to a tall ornate fountain.

With his target in his grasp, he threw together one last burst of energy and dashed towards his hat. Luna opened her wings and flapped them once, sending her into the air, where she then flew to the top of the fountain and sat on the top of it, smirking at Yahtzee.

"Now listen... here..." he panted, realizing that he could not fly. "I don't much appreciate... this little workout..., so how about you give me my hat... And we call it a night, hm?"

"Say please," she cooed as she spun his hat on her horn.

"What? Give me back my damned hat!"

"Odd, that didn't sound like please..." she giggled callously.

"Alright, that's it..."

Yahtzee hopped into the fountain and began trudging through the water, reaching the tall spout, which he then began to climb. Luna, not wanting to make him hate her completely, grabbed the hat with her hoof and held it down to him.

"Thank you," he grumbled as he reached for the hat, but hit the rim of it with his fingers, causing it to fall in the water. "Well that's just perfect..."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to drop it," she said hastily, taking it out of the water with her magic to give to him.

"This hat belonged to my father, and you just ruined it," he said quietly, grabbing his soggy head piece out of the air.

"Oh my goodness... I'm sorry. If I had-"

"Don't be daft, I got it on sale at a thrift store," he muttered as he squeezed the water out of the hat. "Still an inconvenience, though. Now onto more pressing matters. Why in the bloody fuck did you take my hat?"

"I wanted to meet you and become your friend."

"And you felt the best way to go about that was to steal my property and cause me to nearly have a heart attack?"

"Well, no but-"

"And then nearly ruin my hat in the process?" he added icily. "Well done then, that's exactly the sort of attitude that usually gets you hated by the one affected by you. And what kind of a Princess acts as recklessly as you do? I mean, I'm not sure if I expected the royalty of an equine ruled world to be the Queen of England, but I wasn't expecting a couple of pranksters. Granted, your guards do seem as stoned faced as the Queen's Guard, but my point remains the same. You know what? Don't even try to answer that, I'm really not too interested."

Luna watched silently as Yahtzee edged out of the fountain and began his trek back to the castle, where he expected to get a full night's rest, followed by a few other night's rests, where he would then wake up and demand a first class ticket back home.

"Pardon me, but may I ask you for your name?"

Yahtzee whipped around to see the two unicorns that he had passed in his chase smiling at him. Yahtzee felt a small wave of unease pass through him as he saw their smiles. There was something about them he didn't like.

"My name is Fancypants, and may I say it is a pleasure to meet you," the stallion said with a bow. "Will you give me the pleasure of knowing your name?"

"It's..." Yahtzee trailed off. "None of your business, quite frankly."

"Very well, if you do not wish to give me the benefit of knowing your name, then who am I to argue?" Fancypants said, turning his head to see the slender unicorn standing confidently by his side. "Ah, where are my manners, this is my darling trophy mare Fleur de Lis."

"Your name is Fancypants?" Yahtzee asked with an unimpressed gaze that would have floored a lesser stallion.

"Indeed," he chuckled.

"Why the bloody fuck is that you're name if your wearing everything but pants? A dress shirt, classy. A monocle, brilliant. But alas, no pants are on your hindquarters. And please, don't say your pants are made out of the worlds finest silk, I think that may be the point at which I punch a wall with my skull."

Fleur de Lis made a gasping gesture and turned to Fancypants.

"And you, why the hell don't you speak?" he continued curiously, turning to the slim Fleur. "It's like I'm trying to talk to an anorexic mime. An anorexic mime who doesn't seem all there at that."

Fleur stared appallingly at Yahtzee, wondering why he was saying such things. She turned back to Fancypants and awaited his answer.

"I do say it is most refreshing to meet a pony that speaks his mind," Fancypants said, smile unwavering.

Fleur de Lis turned to Yahtzee, face positively beaming and began to nodding in agreement.

"You have got to be pulling my boot..." Yahtzee groaned, annoyed at how tolerating these new ponies were.

"Why would I do that to such a fine gentlecolt such as yourself?"

"I am not a colt!" he hissed, making poking gestures to his chest. "I am a bloody human, and I'm bloody tired of these bloody ponies!"

"You certainly have a wide vocabulary," Fancypants noted jokingly.

"For the love of God, please do not tolerate me. Yell at me or something! Please!"

"I apologize, but I do not find it necessary to yell at one such as yourself," Fancypants said smartly. "I wouldn't want to miss out on the chance of meeting someone that looks like you just because of a rough start."

"Right then, I don't even want to say anymore. If you and those Princesses are trying to take the fun out of this for me, you are succeeding at an alarming rate," Yahtzee muttered sadly as he started making his way back to his temporary room. "Why the hell couldn't I have been stranded in the world of Aliens: Colonial Marines? At least I would have stood a chance there."

As Yahtzee reached the entrance to the Royal Gardens, Luna swooped down from the sky and landed quietly next to Yahtzee.

"Listen, I'm not going to accept your apology, but I'm too tired to tell you where you can stuff it," he said quietly.

"I can see that you do not wish to hear it, so I no longer have the interest in telling it to you," she said honestly.

"Oh really now?" he chuckled, unconvinced that the Princess had a sudden change of heart. "Why should I believe this isn't another idiotic attempt at making me your friend?"

"I thought about it, and realized that you were correct. I did not perform in a manner befit of royals, and for that I will apologize," she huffed, strutting ahead of Yahtzee.

Yahtzee rolled his eyes as Luna commanded the guards to open the door, watching defensively in case she made another grab for his hat, but she simply walked inside without even acknowledging him. Yahtzee shrugged, finding a slim amount of happiness in the fact that he was being left alone. Yahtzee, half expecting Luna to have told them to keep him out, walked passed the guards and started making his way through the intricate halls of Canterlot. Soon he saw the two Royal Guards stationed out front of his room and eyed them contemptibly as they both knelt down.

"What's going on?" Yahtzee asked, wary of these two guards.

"You have been given the title of Esteemed Guest of the Royal Family, and are to be treated as highly as we treat the Princesses," the one on the left said.

"Fantastic," he muttered sarcastically. "Which one was it that gave me that title?"

"Princess Celestia, sir," the guard on the right said this time. "She also requested that we are to let none other disturb you during your stay, and if anypony were to come to the door, we are to send them off."

"That... sounds rather nice, actually..." he mused, but shook his head in dismay. "Can you open the door? I've never been this tired since I listened to the Playstation Key Note's during this years E3."

"Certainly, sir," the guards said together as they pulled open the door.

"Please, don't call me sir."

"Sir?" The guards asked together in confusion.

"Listen, just do that thing where you keep others away from me and I'll be happy," Yahtzee sighed while he nodded approvingly, walking past the two guards.

"How shall we refer to you then?" the guard on the left asked.

"Uh... you know what? Just call me Yahtzee. Or Mr. Croshaw."

"Very well, Mr. Croshaw," the guards said together.

"That's better," he sighed, before slamming the door shut.

Yahtzee turned around and looked at the bed. With a yawn, he shuffled towards the bed, where he quickly laid down in the middle and began to stare at the ceiling, waiting to fall asleep. Having a bit of trouble doing so, he got off the bed and began pacing around the room. He then got an idea and ran towards the door, where he opened it a crack.

"Si- Mr. Yahtzee?" the guard on the right asked.

"Yes, hello, hi." Yahtzee said quickly, trying to skip the pleasantries. "Listen, you said you wouldn't allow anybody in, right?"

"That is correct."

"Does that include the Princesses?" he asked slowly.

"I would assume not."

"Damn, that's why I can't sleep," he sighed. "Do you know why the Canterlot nobility are so frivolous while the ones down in that Ponyville place are so uptight?"

"No, Mr.Yahtzee. I'm afraid we don't interact much with the nobility besides the Princesses, so we do not know how the majority of them act."

"Shame. They're both so different, but just as awful as each other at the same time," he said, feeling defeated he nodded at the guards and closed the door. He then opened it again and stared at the pair. "By the way, you wouldn't question your Princesses, correct?"

"Never, Mr. Croshaw."

"And you were told to treat me as you would them, aye?"

The pair of guards looked at each other uncertainly and then nodded at Yahtzee.

"Then both of you are horrible at your jobs. You're supposed to treat me as you would your Princesses, but you questioned me when I told you not to call me sir, and you said you never question the Princesses. Hardly good behavior on your part, shame on you," he said, slamming the door behind him. He then locked the door, spun around and walked to the bed, feeling more tired, but less restless. "Now I can sleep."

Yahtzee Reviews - A Light Breakfeast

Youtube Video

A trio of loud knocks sounded through the room, waking Yahtzee from his pleasant dreams, much to his happiness. It gave him a semi-feasible reason as to yell at whoever it was that woke him up. He rolled off the bed and shuffled towards the door, then reached for the handle. He took a deep breath and pulled it open. What he saw was neither of the Princesses, nor was it a guard. Instead, it was a small envelope with a seal that resembled the sun keeping it closed. He then closed the door and went to the edge of his bed to read the letter.

Dear Yahtzee,

My sister and I hope that you had a wonderful dream last night and we hope you will join us for breakfast this morning. If you do accept this invitation, take a left outside of your room and walk down the hallway until you reach the door with the guards in front of it.

-Princess Celestia.

Yahtzee finished with a yawn, thinking of going back to sleep. His stomach then growled and he closed his eyes and rubbed the back of his head. Not eating wasn't going to bring him back home any faster, so he might as well accept her offer. He then chuckled to himself. "Never look a gift sun goddess in the mouth."

Yahtzee jumped off his bed again and pushed through the door thinking; the room with the guards out front. As he turned to the left his eyes dropped to the floor and he began rubbing the area between his eyes. Every door in the hallway had a pair of guards standing at the ready. He then shrugged and walked up to the nearest guard who tensed at the sight of him.

"Mr. Croshaw," the first guard said firmly as he raised his hoof to his head to salute, eyes looking straight ahead.

"Er, at ease," Yahtzee said quietly. "Do you happen to know where the dining room is?"

"It is the door with thee two guards out front, Mr. Croshaw," he said firmly.

"Right, which two guards?" Yahtzee groaned.

"I was just told to relay the information to you that the Princesses are eating in the room with two guards out front."

"Alright, can you at least point me in the right direction?"

"No, sorry, sir," the other guard said.

"Why not?" Yahtzee asked, almost snapping at him.

"Because I was told not to."

"And I am telling you to tell me. The Princess told you to treat me as you would treat them!"

"I'm sorry that I could not be of assistance. You have to check each room on your own to make it to breakfast today."

"Fine, I will," he said coldly, whipping around to walk down the hallway.

Yahtzee then tilted forward and began his search for the room, checking by each one to make sure he didn't miss it. Now it wasn't even about getting food in his stomach. Now it was about not letting Celestia get the better of him. He had to fight for his pride, something that was relatively easy over the internet that he was accustomed to entertaining. After roughly half an hour of searching for the room, he came to the final door of the hallway. Annoyed that he had wasted all that time, he kicked the door open and walked in smugly, happy that he had beaten Celestia at her game. He then looked around. He was outside. His eye twitched when he realized he made a small mistake. He stomped down the hallway, glaring at the guard he spoke to and stopped in front of him.

"Sir?"

"It's this room, isn't it?" he asked quietly. The guards nodded. "If I had teeth to grit, they would be gritting so hard that the teeth shavings that came off would make me look as if I got hit in the face by a briefcase filled with Scarface's most recent business venture."

He punched open the door and saw an extremely long table with Celestia on one end, and Luna sitting next to her with her back facing the door.

"Hello," Celestia smiled as bright as the sun she rose that morning. "Sleep well?"

"Not particularly," he muttered, taking a seat at the other end of the long table.

"Is there anything I can do that would make this easier for you?" she asked, sipping out of a cup of tea.

"Besides embarrassing me, no, I am quite alright," he insisted, grabbing a croissant from the tray closest to him. "I don't suppose you have any-"

"Certainly," she nodded, using her powerful magic to do the simple task of levitating the brick of butter over to Yahtzee.

"Much obliged," he said reluctantly and saw Luna with her eyes closed, nose lifted, looking away from him spitefully. "What's eating her britches?"

"We believe you know why," Luna said, clearly trying to act above him.

"What's with this we business?" Yahtzee asked, somehow taking a bite out of the croissant without a mouth. "I know you may not be all there in the head, but I didn't honestly think you had a multiple personality disorder."

"We do not have a personality disorder," she huffed annoyingly. "We simply decided it was best to refer to ourselves as we are accustomed."

"Mhm..." he said shiftily.

"Much like the way you treated me the way you're accustomed to." She finished icily.

"Oh, so that's what this is about," he said, laying his sarcasm on as thickly as possible. "Sorry love, but this brilliant example of a man changes for no other, particularly horses with personality disorders."

"We do not- no," she said quietly. "We are above that."

"Keep telling yourself that, love," he said, smirking to himself on the inside as he finished his croissant. He grabbed the folded napkin and cleaned the area around his no-mouth, folded it on the plate and gave a small bow. "That was less painful than anticipated. Now may I go back into my room and scream louder than those insufferable bronys who would kill to be in my position?"

"I'm afraid not," Celestia said quietly, wiping her own muzzle clean of crumbs and the like. "You see, I believe we agreed that you would go to Ponyville during the day to learn more about our culture, hopefully learn how-"

"We never agreed that!" he growled.

"We didn't?" she asked playfully, pretending to search her thoughts. "Well, I was almost postivie we did. But I suppose I'll propose it to you again just in case. You go to Ponyville while I reign and return when it is my sister's time to rule."

"I decline that offer and decide to be more of a shutout than a kid who gets picked last in dodgeball."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I said it was a proposition, but it really was a recommendation. On of which you must take to heart."

"Why should I?"

"Because if you don't at least try to learn more about friendship, I won't send you home," she smiled as Yahtzee's cheeks turned a deep crimson.

"You can't do that..." he grumbled.

"Why not? I am not the one that summoned you here. I did not want an alien being living in my home. You are the reason you came here, not I. I have no reason to help you get home, but since I am being nice enough to do so I want you to be more gracious towards my subjects and I," she said. Her eyes shifted to Luna, who coughed abruptly. "And to my sister."

Yahtzee shook his head. There was no analogy brutal enough for him to describe what he was feeling towards Celestia at that very moment. He never felt this way often, but when he did he practically foamed out the mouth whenever he tried to explain it without tearing the world asunder. The words he would speak would shake mountains and create tsunamis with the force it would create to say the words out loud due to how powerful it was. It was a feeling he started to feel when he first met her, and it haunted him that if he told her how he felt she would simply use it against him.

He respected her.

"Very well," he said, tipping his hat at her, temporarily trying to be sincere, as hard as it was for him. "I will try." He said forcibly, then his eyes narrowed at her. "But that's all you're getting."

"And it was all I was asking," she smiled, but it wasn't one of condescension, but out of a small frame of mutual respect. "Now, I will teleport you to Twilight's and send her some instructions soon. Do you want me to try and locate your friend while I send the letter?"

"Friend? Oh, right, the imp." Yahtzee said nonchalantly. Celestia leaned in closer, expecting him to continue. Yahtzee saw that she was waiting for him to finish, so he obeyed as plainly as possible. With a shrug. "Eh."

"Eh?" she repeated with a bemused smile.

"That's right. Eh. Eh, as in eh don't really care seeing as he isn't exactly what i would call a friend. Besides, there are hundreds of those brainless lackeys where I come from. I'd say they're a dime a dozen, but I'm afraid that would be understating just how many of the buggers there are."

"If he finds that he enjoys his stay here, will you allow him to stay?"

"Oh, what a delightful idea." Yahtzee said, shaking his hands like a schoolgirl getting asked out by her crush. "One less of them to deal with. Maybe we can arrange a way to send them all here."

"Maybe. Until tonight, Yahtzee," she said, lowering her head. The room filled with a golden flash, forcing Yahtzee's eyes shut out of instinct.

When Yahtzee opened his eyes he found himself surrounded by the books of Twilight's library. He then looked ahead of him and saw Twilight Sparkle sipping on a mug of coffee while Spike sat at the table, eating a sandwich.

"Yahtzee," Twilight nodded politely, unaffected by his sudden appearance.

"Seems I may truly be stuck here indefinitely. As such, to gain access even the slimmest of chances of getting home..." Yahtzee took a deep breath. "...I must try to be your friend."

"Are we supposed to be happy about that?" Spike asked curiously, earning him a glare from Twilight. "What?" he mumbled. "This guy isn't the nicest of guys."

"That doesn't mean he can't get any friends," she said to him, then turned to smile at Yahtzee. "Isn't that right?"

"Well, I already have many friends." Yahtzee coughed. "It's just none of them are ponies. Or Princesses."

"Then I guess we should start," she said quietly. Her horn glowed vividly and a chair came out from under the table.

"Alright," he said and slumped into the chair.

"So, tell me about your other friends."

"Aren't you supposed to ask about me?" he asked with a look of confusion in his eyes.

"That can come after. Before that, I want to know what kind of friends you had back on your world. It will help me figure out what you look for in friends, and though I won't pretend to be what I'm not, I can hopefully find something in common between myself and your friends."

"Ah, that does seem like a better way of going about it," Yahtzee nodded. "Very well, ask away."

"Thank you," she said, taking a notepad and quill out from a desk. "Now, what are your friends names?"

"Is that really important?"

"Yes, and I could explain why, but I feel that would just be wasting both of our time."

"Well for starters there is... um... hm," he said quietly, rubbing his chin. "Er, Billy?"

"Okay, what are some of your friend Billy's traits?" Twilight inquired, dipping the quill into a bottle of ink.

"He is... Australian?"

"And that is your nationality, correct?"

"Yes."

"Nationalities are not a personality trait, Yahtzee."

"If you've met other Australians, you would disagree," he said with an awkward chuckled. He took a sharp breath and began tapping his boots. "Yeah..."

"Anything else about them?"

"Nothing noteworthy," he admitted. "I usually only play with him if I am to review a game that has coop as a main selling point."

"Anyone else?"

"Oh, there is that one man I call up about fighting games!" Yahtzee said, clapping his hands once out of excitement.

"Any personality points besides being Australian?"

"He is a bit obsessive, but that isn't why I'm friends with him."

"I see. And his name?"

"I... don't know," he said quietly, but now he wasn't looking at Twilight.

Twilight frowned at him as he shifted uncomfortably in the chair. She sighed and put the tools back in place with her magic and stared softly at Yahtzee.

"I guess I don't have friends as much as I have colleagues," he admitted.

"And that's fine." Twilight said, trying to assure him. Spike's eyes shot open and he let out a rambunctious, green-flamed belch, sending a letter out of his mouth just for it to land in front of Twilight. She quickly unrolled it and gave it a few once overs. "I guess that means it's time to get started."

Twilight hopped out of the chair and began walking towards the door, but Yahtzee remained in place.

"Are you coming?" Twilight asked, glancing back at him.

"Yes, but may I ask something?"

"Anything," she beamed, hoping to help in any way she could.

"Do you have any alcohol?" he asked, a gleam of desperation in his eyes. "I think I need a drink..."

Yahtzee Reviews - Ponyville's Local Bar

Youtube Video

"He's in here," Twilight Sparkle said, coming to a stop in front of a small building near the edge of the Ponyville market.

"He must be awfully sad that he figured out he doesn't have any friends," Applejack said quietly, looking at the sign that swung above the door. A sign that read "Cider Valley".

"Yup, but that's why we're here," Pinkie giggled. "Nopony should be walking around with no friends. Having no friends is no fun!"

"Don't you guys think that there's a reason he doesn't have any friends?" Rainbow Dash asked, looking at Fluttershy out of the corner of her eye.

"He has a friend," Fluttershy said quietly as the imp hugged her neck, smiling happily.

"Fluttershy, I think he made it quite clear that he doesn't enjoy that things company," Twilight sighed.

"Oh, he just hadn't tried to get to know him..." she countered, rubbing it's head with her neck, cooing. "Isn't that right?"

"How about we go get him? I don't like the atmosphere of this place. It feels too..." Rarity stopped and shivered. "Depressing."

"Right," Twilight nodded, pushing the door open. Twilight thought it would be easy to find Yahtzee, as she assumed that everybody that would be in the bar would be gazing at him curiously. Instead, she found the bar to be full, and everybody in it was chatting merrily, displaying no signs of curiosity or fear from the alien.

"Ah guess word must have gotten around that Yahtzee was in town," Applejack said, noticing the same thing.

"Maybe he's not even in here," Rainbow Dash suggested. "I mean, it did take you a while to get us all together..."

"That's true, and since he doesn't really seem to like ponies, he probably got out of here after one or two drinks since the place is packed with them," Twilight nodded. Turning to the girls, she got them to get into a huddle. "It's going to be harder to find him than I thought, so we're probably going to have to split up. Rainbow Dash, you take Applejack and-"

"Hurry it up. You serve drinks slower than Valve releases games," a familiar voice said, clear over the sound of the other ponies' chatter.

"I guess it wasn't that hard," Twilight rolled her eyes. "I think it came from the other side of the room."

The girls nodded and they quickly began making their way through the thick of the crowd. Once they got through the small horde of ponies, they saw Yahtzee sitting on a stool at the bar, glaring at the mare behind the bar that had just given him his drink.

"About time," Yahtzee grumbled.

"Thank Celestia you're here. We were almost about to scour through Ponyville to find you," Twilight said, being the first one to get to him.

"Hello, Twilight Sparkle!" he greeted as he raised a mug of foaming cider up to her. "Did you know that you have alcohol here? Wait, don't answer that. You seem like the kind who would avoid this sort of thing all together."

"Why would you say that?" she asked curiously as she and the others came next to him.

"Because you seem like the kind of soul who doesn't appreciate how much fun getting plastered beyond the ability to think is," he replied coolly.

"I might not find getting drunk to be fun, but-"

"Have you even been drunk before?" he asked flatly.

"Well, no, but-"

"Then how can you say it isn't fun? Oh wait, is it because you're supposed to teach little girls moral lessons on how to be a perfect little Princess, so you don't dare touch anything deemed morally unfit? Oh, I'm sorry, you aren't a Princess. Want to know how I know that? Because you don't have any wings," he said, prodding Twilight's side. "So you should take your... wait, what were we talking about again?"

"I was just about to say that while I haven't been drunk before, I have my own ways of having fun" she stated, using her magic to take Yahtzee's hand off of her.

"Oh, right," Yahtzee nodded lazily. "Well, that's too bad. You really should try it some time."

"No thank you."

"So why did you and your band of merry friends come here, anyway?"

"I felt bad after you left when you found out you had no friends, so I rounded the girls up to come over here and cheer you up," she smiled lightly, trying to show that she wanted to help support him, one of the best things somebody can do for their friend/

"Yeah, being sad is no fun!" Pinkie added.

"Sad? You think I'm sad? Why on Earth would I be sad?" he squealed, eyes closing into a gleeful expression. "I just realized that I don't have any friends!"

"Yahtzee, that isn't a good thing," Twilight said.

"How isn't it a good thing?" he asked seriously.

The girls shared a quick glance with each other before looking at him inquisitively. Yahtzee, however, turned away from the Elements to get closer to being in his own element. The element of being drunk.

"Care to explain why it's a good thing you don't have any friends?" Twilight asked.

"God's blood, you really are pesky, you know that?" he inquired back, not in a cold manner, but in a more matter-of-fact way. "You see, you brightly colored tart of a pony, where I'm from, a friend is someone who occasionally comes to your place, eats all your food then berates you soon after," he explained with no hint of humor. "I just found out that I'm lacking in that area, and may I tell you that I feel relatively liberated, almost as if a heavy weight was lifted off my shoulders."

"Friendship is much more than that," she said firmly.

"Let me guess, now's the point where you lecture me on the beauty of friendship, right? How about you save your breath and keep it short," Yahtzee grumbled. By the look of Twilight's face, he called what she was about to do, and because of this, she gave him a small glare. This glare filled him with delight.

"Friends are ponies that look after you. But friendship isn't a one way street. It can be difficult. They go out of their way to make you happy, and in return you do the same for them. Against my better judgement, I brought the other girls here to reconcile with you, the least you could do is humor us."

"I'm sure you think your life with them has been as good as casual gamers make Will Wright out to be, but in reality you are ignoring all the bad things that come with beings ones friend, just like casual gamers ignore all the bad things that come with Will Wright's games," he said, then scratched the back of his head. "Sorry, that wasn't a very good one. Once I have a little bit of a buzz going, it's either I get ridiculously good at analogies, or they become worse."

"Humans are weird," she said quietly.

"Tell me about it," he sighed, taking a hefty chug from his fizzing mug. Slamming the mug down, he nodded at the barmare for another. "How about this, Sparkle. You tell Celestia that I became your friend, while I stay here and drink, doing my best to keep out of your way as to not involuntarily berate you."

"So, how are you going to pay for that?" the mare behind the counter asked as she pushed another mug his way.

"Cash," Yahtzee said instantly. As he took off his hat, he reached into it and took out a wallet which he quickly opened and slammed a few bills on the counter. Yahtzee gave an unimpressed look at the mare who was eyeing the money curiously, expecting she didn't know how to count. "Will that cover it?"

"I've never seen money that looks like this before..."

"And you've never had a patron that looks like me before, what's your point?" he asked irritatingly,

"My point is you have to pay in bits, not... whatever this stuff is," she said, pushing the money back to him.

"Oh. Er, about that, you see..." Yahtzee said, eyes turning white as the mare adorned a rather horrifying look of anger on her face. He quickly began feeling his body and shrugged. "I actually don't have any money from your world."

"I suppose I could cover his bill, Berry Punch," Rarity said quietly. Walking next to Yahtzee, she reached into her small bag and began counting the coins inside. "How much does he owe?"

"Eighty-two bits."

"Eighty-two? That's a bit much, don't you think?" she asked, looking at the now gleeful looking Yahtzee. "How much did he drink?"

"More than most stallions could," the mare chuckled, giving the girls the impression that she has a small amount of respect for the creature. Rarity shook her head as Yahtzee drunkenly attempted to readjust his hat, and then put a small satchel of coins onto the bar. "Wish I had more customers like him. Except maybe one that's a nice looking stallion. And one that has money."

"I am a stallion, thank you very much," he muttered. "Just not the horse kind."

"Pony," seemingly everyone around him said.

"Whatever."

"Come on, Yahtzee," Twilight said, lightly butting him off the stool. "Whether you like it or not, you can't leave without at least attempting to become our friends,"

"I guess you're right," Yahtzee said sadly, looking at Twilight. "It's about time I realized that you are all trying your hardest to be my friend, and I should appreciate it. I apologize for having made it hard on you, and I apologize for the cruel things I've said to you. It would be an honor if you would give me a second chance to prove to you that I can be a friend to you all."

"Pretendin' t' be our friend won't getcha home," Applejack sighed.

"You little-"

"Yeah, yeah, tell it to Celestia," Rainbow Dash chuckled, pushing him towards the door.

"Hold on, if I'm to come with you, you better tell me where you're taking me," Yahtzee grunted as he wobbled about. "And it better be somewhere nice that we can all enjoy."

"Well, what would you suggest?" she asked.

"How about this bar? It has alcohol. I like alcohol, and I'm pretty sure it likes me. Being drunk would also make you slightly more tolerable."

"It would make us more tolerable?" Rainbow Dash asked, eyebrows furrowing.

"Yes, it would, thank you for agreeing with me," he nodded, turning to Twilight.

"None of us drink," she said to him, knowing he was awaiting for her confirmation. "Besides, Rarity paid for your drinks already, so I would suggest going to the Carousel Boutique to repay her."

"Hey, if I'm going to try to be your friends, you better try to do things I enjoy with me, otherwise that's not being very friendly," he said firmly, squinting at her. "That is, unless you are going to make me do something I'll undoubtedly hate, which might I say isn't very friendly of you..."

"Well..." Twilight started. She wanted to tell him off, but she knew he had gotten her cornered. She turned around and got into a huddle with the girls and began conversing with them.

Yahtzee stood back, watching as they conversed, unable to hear them over the other ponies. After a few minutes of deliberation, Twilight and the girls broke out of their huddle and looked back to Yahtzee.

"Well?" he asked.

"We'll humor you," Twilight nodded, hopping on the stool next to the one Yahtzee had been using.

"Ha! I knew you wouldn't dare- wait, did you say you'd humor me?" he asked, giving her an expression of genuine shock.

"If that's what it takes to make you happy, then yes," she nodded and the others joined her at the bar. "But we're only going to have one, then we're getting out of here, deal?"

"Hm. Didn't really expect you to accept, let alone in an obviously cliche way that you will most likely go against your word on," Yahtzee grunted, rubbing his chin. With a shrug, he hopped onto the stool he was on before and gave the barmare a nod. "Very well, Twilight Sparkle. One drink, and then I'll come with you."

"Glad to hear it," Twilight said thankfully as Berry Punch pushed a mug her way. She glanced at it uncertainly, but saw that Yahtzee had already begun drinking his. She then told herself that it was only one little mug and began to drink.

Yahtzee Reviews - Possible "Friends"

Youtube Video

Yahtzee woke up the next morning with a satisfied yawn, throwing his hands into the air to stretch his invisible appendages. Rubbing his eyes, he swung his feet off the bed and hopped to the ground. Once he was content with the condition of his eyes, he looked towards the door and began walking towards it. Once he reached it, however, he noticed a small note taped to it. He smirked, knowing what it was, but grabbed it to give it a read nonetheless.

Dear Yahtzee,

I believe we need to have a chat. When you wake up, come seek me in the throne room.

-Princess Celestia.

"I wonder what's wrong?" he inquired playfully as he neatly folded the paper. Sliding it under his hat, he opened the door to his room and saw the pair of guards were looking the other way. "Morning, gents. Lovely day, isn't it?"

The guards did not reply. Instead, they continued to look forward with a strange look in their eye.

"That's the way to the throne room, aye?" the man inquired, pointing down the hall. This time the guards gave him a small nod. "Righto."

Yahtzee then placed his hands behind his back and started towards the throne room, whistling merrily as he made his way to the impromptu meeting. As he went down the long, ornately decorated halls, he occasionally offered the guards he passed a courtesy nod. Eventually, he soon found himself at the doors to the large room, where another pair of guards stood at attention.

"I believe your ruler wants to have a chat with me," Yahtzee said simply.

The guards shared a slightly grim look, then reached for the doors to open them. As they did so, Yahtzee strolled inwards, eyes closed happily as he made his way towards the large horse who was eyeing him seriously. When he reached the foot of the throne, Yahtzee simply remained silent, waiting for her to speak.

"Do you know why I wish to speak to you?" Celestia asked finally after a minute.

"I assume it's because you can't get enough of my charm," he replied coolly, reaching under his hat to grab the piece of paper. "Unless you're referring to this little invitation. From what I've gathered, for you to have given me a message like this, I must have either done something terribly wrong, or I must have done something terribly right."

"Do you remember what may have happened last night in Ponyville?"

"I think I might remember some of it, yes. But I assume you'll want to refresh my memory for me?"

"Last night I received a report from my student, Twilight Sparkle. Multiple reports, actually, each one making less sense than the last. Do you know the reason for this?" the Princess inquired with furrowed brows.

"From where I'm from, people often send regrettable messages to their friends and loved ones when they are under the influence of alcohol. I suppose drunk reporting is this world's drunk texting," he answered calmly.

"That is what I thought," she said with a heavy sigh. "Why, may I ask, did you make my student and her friends come to a bar with you?"

"Make them drink with me? Heavens, no. I'd sooner force myself to only play mumorpugers for the rest of my life," Yahtzee snorted. Celestia raised a brow at him, showing that she wanted him to explain further. "You see, that purple-horned student of yours thought that since she can't get through to me when I'm sober, that she'd give a go at trying to befriend me while I was drunk. Little did she know, however, that I am a seasoned veteran."

"So you let them drink the same amount as you?"

"Oh, no. They did that of their own free will," he chuckled bemusedly. "I was very surprised they lasted as long as they did."

"I apologize, do you find the fact that you have made the Elements of Harmony very sick funny?"

"I suppose a tad, yes," he admitted. "You would have too if you saw the way they were acting."

"I want you to apologize to them," she sighed.

"What, seriously?" he asked. "I did about as much work getting them to drink as the developers of Call of Duty do to make their games noticeably different. Why should I apologize for what I didn't do?"

"They would not have drank anything had you not made it so difficult to befriend you. They saw it as the only opportunity to join you in something you enjoy, hoping that it would get you to start to warm up to them."

"I suppose that is true, but I still fail to see why I should tell them I'm sorry. Couldn't I just give them some terribly cliche PSA that warns them about the dangers of alcohol, then promptly go back to said bar and be a hypocrite?"

"No."

"Didn't think so," he grumbled sourly. "I suppose it doesn't matter since I have no currency from this world anyways. Say, I don't suppose you could write me up a letter telling the bartenders of this place to give me free booze, would you?"

"Do you really expect me to give you a free pass after last night?"

"Yes."

"I apologize, but if anything, I might see what I could do about making sure you aren't allowed anywhere near a drop of hard cider again."

"Okay, first you wanted me to be nice which goes against my very nature, but now you're trying to make me miserable while I do that?"

"You haven't been making much progress on the niceness if the letters are to be believed. Now, I will send you back to the library. I expect you to make amends with Twilight and her friends while you are there. If you do so without seeming insincere, and I will ask Twilight to confirm your apology, I will see what I can do about making your stay more pleasant."

"Fine. If it means that much to you, I will apologize," Yahtzee grunted, watching in annoyance as her horn began to glow to send him off. Hesitantly, he scratched the back of his head. "Er, one more thing."

"Yes?" she asked.

"If it's worth anything, I enjoyed myself last night," Yahtzee said slowly, holding up his right hand as Celestia began to smile softly, halting the spread of the happy expression. "Not much, but I did. It was, dare I say it, enjoyable to have somebody to chat with while having a drink. I'm not sure if I would drink with them again, but it was not as unbearable as I thought it would be."

"I'm glad," she said with a smile.

Yahtzee then instantly became enveloped in a gold light, then covered his eyes from the bright flash with his hat. Knowing he was good, he placed the hat back on his head and saw Twilight sitting at the table with Rarity, both of them with a steaming cup of tea in front of them. They glanced to the side and saw Yahtzee standing there, then grumbled something and took a sip out of their drinks.

"Er, hello," Yahtzee said, giving them a half-wave. "How are you two doing today?"

"Awful," Rarity said quietly, a regretful tone to her voice.

"Horrible," Twilight added.

"Horribly awful," Rarity murmured, then took another sip of her tea. She then gave him a once-over and scowled lightly at him, noting his disposition was very much the same. "Yourself?"

"I can't complain," he chuckled slightly, trying hard not to laugh at the inexperienced drinkers' misfortunes. He looked to Rarity for a few seconds, then to Twilight. "I heard you sent Celestia some messages last night. Quite embarrassing ones by the way she talked about it."

"I did?" Twilight asked, then let out a soft groan and placed her head on the table. "As if this migraine wasn't bad enough, now I have to send her messages begging her to forget about the ones from last night. I knew I shouldn't have left the library yesterday..."

"Right, about yesterday," he said tightly, standing straight up. "I feel like there are some words I should tell you."

"Is it the promise that we don't have to repeat the events of last night?" Rarity inquired.

"That's one, yes," he said with a nod, then saw that Rarity let out a sigh of relief and began to smile slightly. "But that is not the only thing. I would like you to know that I think it was... generous of you to cover my tab, and I do somewhat appreciate it."

"Somewhat?" the white unicorn asked, raising an unimpressed brow at him.

"Come now, you know this isn't my thing! You'll have to excuse me when it comes to apologies and 'thank you's. My world is more used to saying 'go away' and 'sod off', so this is harder for me than trying to play a rousing game of Battletoads," he said, then grunted and readjusted his hat. "But just because I'm not the best at it doesn't mean I don't know how to appreciate certain qualities of people. Or ponies, in this case. Being able to be nice to someone who clearly doesn't want a thing to do with you is a very admirable quality, and I wish I could do that as well as you girls have done with me. While I can't promise me being patient with you all the time, I will try harder now."

"That's all we could have asked for," Twilight said, giving him a smile, then cringing and clutching onto her horn. "Every time I try to use magic, my head flares with pain, you could start by getting me a book on basic aid and mental health. There must be some way to get rid of this thing without magic. This tea is helping, but not as much as I'd like it to."

"Right," he said, striding towards the bookshelves. "I don't suppose you could forward my apology to your other friends? I think I might be able to muster up one for the yellow one since she most likely needs to hear it from me, but I fear Keloggs and the blue one won't hesitate to punish me, so it may be safer for them to hear it from you. And I have no idea what to expect out of the pink one."

"I'll see what I can," she murmured.

"So where is the little dragon? Still asleep?"

"I sent him out to check on the other. I'm hoping some of them are handling this better than Rarity and I."

"Probably wise," he coughed into his hand, then grabbed a book off the shelf and read the cover. Shaking his head, he placed it back and walked back to the table.

"You couldn't find anything?" Twilight moaned helplessly. "I would have thought there would be something in this library to help with-"

"A book can't help you with a hangover," Yahtzee said quietly, holding up his hand to interrupt her. "I, however, as a professional in the subject, can offer you better advice to get rid of it quick. Though it has been a while since I have been able to feel the oh-so pleasant feeing of the morning migraine, I remember what I did to get rid of it."

"I am not sure if I should be happy for you being able to help us with this, or be worried about you being a self-proclaimed professional drinker..." Rarity said hesitantly.

"Just tell us what we need to do," Twilight groaned as she felt a hard, throbbing sensation in her noggin.

"You need to have plenty of food with vitamins in them. Bananas, oranges, mostly any fruit. You ponies, being herbivores, probably have those grown and sold up the yin-yang around here. Another thing you could also do is take a hot bath to sweat the toxins out."

"Would going to the local spa help?" Twilight asked and Rarity's face went from slightly pained to ecstatic.

"Even if it doesn't completely rid of it, it wouldn't hurt," Rarity said sweetly.

"Of course you would-" he grumbled then shook his head, thinking it was unwise to mention obviously terrible stereotypes. "I meant to say, yes. It probably would help some."

"Well, Twilight, the day is on me," Rarity said in a sing-song voice, hopping out of the chair to make her way towards the door.

"Seems like just the thought of it helped her just fine," Twilight noted with a chuckle.

"Seems like it, doesn't it?"

"Come, you two. While we're there, not only will we start feeling better, but maybe we can pamper ourselves so we can look better as well," Rarity said as she stopped by the door, waving them towards her.

"I think that I already look- wait, why am I coming?" Yahtzee asked nervously.

"Well it would be rude of us to not invite you, and it would be rude of you to decline."

"Besides, it might help you to relax more," Twilight noted as she went out the door. "Come on, you might find it fun."

"Fantastic then," he said quietly, watching as the pair began walking away, already seeming much better than they were minutes ago. Glancing at the ground, he let out an annoyed sigh and began walking after them, hoping that he would get home soon.

Yahtzee Reviews - Spa Days

Youtube Video

Yahtzee had spent the last thirteen minutes and forty-six seconds listening to the two mares talk as they made their way to the spa while he kept his head low and his metaphorical mouth shut. Yahtzee had also spent the last thirteen minutes and forty-six seconds wishing the girls hadn't guilted, or rather blackmailed him into going to said spa. At the end of those thirteen minutes forty-six seconds, Yahtzee glanced up from looking at the ground and let out a hefty sigh of relief as he realized the mares were finishing up with their most recent story.

"...And then I asked Rainbow Dash why she thought I would do something like that, but she simply shook her head and laughed," Rarity said with a slight chuckle, smirking at her story.

"Rainbow Dash always was one to jump to conclusions and stick with them," Twilight said with a small smile. Glancing at Yahtzee, her smile faltered, but she tilted her head and cleared her throat to get his attention. "What did you think of the story, Ben?"

"I'm afraid I was not paying much attention to it," he admitted, trying not to sound overly rude, but couldn't hide the fact that he was nigh completely disinterested in their tales. Looking around the nearby area, he readjusted his hat to keep the sun out of his eyes and glanced ahead. "Are we near the spa yet?"

"We're almost there," Rarity said, the pleasant smile on her face not going away. Even Yahtzee's less than perky attitude couldn't ruin her day at the spa.

"Glad to hear it," he said. "If I may ask, not that I don't mind what with me being sure that I do not want to be around people that despise me, why didn't you ask the other ponies to go with us?"

"Angel, Fluttershy's pet, tends to look after her when she's sick. Pinkie Pie... well, she's just a different case altogether. As for Rainbow Dash and Applejack, they are a bit too — what's the word? — prideful to be seen at a spa. They would much rather deal with headaches themselves on their own time," Rarity explained.

"I'm not exactly one for spas either..." Yahtzee grumbled.

"Oh, you'll love it," Rarity said sweetly. Her face then lit up and her smile deepened as she began to pick up her pace. "Ah, here we are."

Glancing towards the building, Yahtzee noticed that it was very much like every other building in this place. It was pink. Not that he had expected any different. Rarity then began humming happily as she trotted merrily into the spa while Twilight remained next to Yahtzee, watching him as he sized up the building.

"You now, I think the only way I'll truly get used to these colors is if I become color blind or gauge my eyes out with a spork. The only way it could be worse would be if a bloom filter was thrown on top of everything," Yahtzee murmured. Then, with a very exaggerated sigh, he began to walk towards the building. "But the only way to get out of this situation and put it behind me is to just do it and try to forget about it."

With a humored smiled, Twilight escorted Yahtzee into the building where Rarity was at the front counter, talking to a cerulean mare with a rose colored mane. Glancing to the other side of the counter, Yahtzee saw that there was an identical pony to the one Rarity was speaking to, only with the mane color and fur color flipped. Twilight nudged Yahtzee and trotted up to the desk with a polite smile on her muzzle. Yahtzee followed.

"Hello, welcome to the Day Spa," the beautician said, smiling at Yahtzee. "How may I help you relax today?"

"Hello," Twilight greeted back. "I think I'll just have a hooficure."

"Sounds good to me!" she chipped happily.

"A hooficure?" Yahtzee snorted childishly. "What kind of—"

"Yahtzee," Twilight sighed, silencing him on the matter. Turning back to the pink pony at the desk, she offered her an apologetic smile and nodded her head approvingly. "A hooficure sounds fine."

"And for your... erm... friend?" she inquired, now giving him a curious look.

"What would you suggest?" Yahtzee asked with a tired yawn. "I don't exactly have hooves, nor am I going to take off my hat so you may style my coiffure."

"May I suggest a back massage?"

Yahtzee raised his brow at her, then looked to Twilight who offered him a smile and a nod. Rolling his eyes, he nodded at the mare at the desk and let out a sigh.

"Excellent choice. I will go prepare the room," the pink pony said positively, then began walking away into an adjacent room.

"Just a hooficure?" Yahtzee questioned.

"I don't like to go all out on these. I prefer to try and keep it simple," Twilight said, then looked over to Rarity who was currently reading through her demands to the other mare, mentioning every practice she could think of. "Rarity, however, likes to look her utmost best. There's nothing wrong with that, but I think it seems a bit silly when you have to keep returning here to keep your 'look'."

"Hm. You're not into the whole looking one's best thing?" he inquired with a dubious gaze. "I thought you and your friends were all about being... well, girls, I suppose."

"Don't get me wrong, I like to look my best. I just think I can do so much more efficiently and without layers of makeup and endless amounts of help."

"Respectable," Yahtzee admitted curiously, looking her over. "You know, I see a lot of myself in you."

Twilight's eyes then shot open, being more afraid now than she has ever been in her life, as she glanced back at Yahtzee. "Please tell me you're kidding."

"I am in no way insinuating that I think you're as critical as myself, I'm simply stating that both you and I aim for accuracy and credibility," he said defensively. "You don't over-complicate matters like shoving new mechanics and controls into your lifestyle. Sure, you may experiment with new things here and there, but you will never try to change your game. You are to side-scroller as most women, and men for that matter, are to muhmorpeguhs. You know what works, and you stick with it."

"I... am not quite sure what to say to that..." Twilight said hesitantly.

"I'm saying you keep it simple, and I like that. Makes you a lot more approachable than I had once thought you to be, honestly," he said with no hint of sarcasm or snideness in his words. He looked to Rarity who continued to talk to the mare at the counter and shook his head. "Can't say the same for most of your friends, though."

"They're really not as bad as you think," Twilight said, smiling lightly at one she'd like to believe was her friend. "I know I sound like a broken record, but you really just have to give them a chance. They may not say or show it, but they do want to try and be your friend. You just need to work on your attitude a bit."

"And I know I sound like a broken record, but I am who I am, and it is very difficult to change that within a few days when I've been acting like this for years."

"Yes, I realize that you're used to treating video games like this, but are you used to treating other... humans like this?" she asked.

"I don't get to see that many humans, remember? Being a prisoner for a large corporation tends to make socialising a difficult thing to do. Most of those I hang around are siblings or clones of that little imp I came here with. Besides, when you're known to be an overly critical person, those you do meet tend to have it in their mind that you're about as fun as a game of Legend of Zelda on the CD-I."

"But you can still work at changing yourself," Twilight insisted. "Surely you must-"

"I get it. I have faults. You don't have to keep saying it... or rather, trying not to say it. Even I will admit that I have my faults, but I see that they are just that. My faults. I know I can change them if I work hard enough at it, but they're what make me me. And to be honest, I'd much rather others dislike me than dislike myself."

Twilight stared at the ground silently, not quite sure how to respond. She didn't know how anyone could be so comfortable with their faults when their faults were so apparent and in the open.

"Oh, this is just going to be so fabulous! I'm sure once we're through with this, our headaches will be gone," Rarity sang as she walked next to the pair with a smile that was large enough to make Yahtzee feel slightly nauseous.

"Follow me this way," the mare said, leading the three into an adjacent room. Rarity happily followed along, while, as usual, Twilight walked with the purposely reluctant Yahtzee.

When they entered the room, Yahtzee noticed there were many chairs to lounge on, a tub on the other end of the room, as well as many other objects and tools he was unfamiliar with. Rarity quickly trotted ahead to one of the nearby chairs and took her seat, waiting to be pampered on. Looking to Twilight, she offered him a simple shrug and went to the chair next to her friend. Yahtzee then shifted uncomfortably and rubbed the back of his head.

"What's wrong?" Twilight inquired curiously.

"Generally speaking, next to ones who frequent bars and clubs, most women don't like the idea of men they just met seeing them nak—" Yahtzee began only to stop. He looked at the ponies and facepalmed when he indeed remembered that they were, in fact, always naked. "Right. I suppose it isn't that big of deal here, then..."

Yahtzee then shuffled his way over to a chair a few spots away from the girls and sat on it, trying to get as comfortable as he could, which was difficult when he was set on trying to do the exact opposite. As he was doing this, the two mares from the front walked in through the door, as well as two other mares he had not seen before. One of the new ones, as well as the one Rarity talked to, went straight to her to start. The other one he did not see before went to Twilight and gave her a smile, leaving the one he has spoken a few words to for him.

"Please, lay on your stomach and try to get comfy. Giving you a back massage will be difficult when I can't see it."

Yahtzee looked at his body and raised a brow. "How can you tell? My back looks just the same as my front..."

"When you've done this enough, you learn to tell from posture," she replied with a shrug, and Yahtzee nodded.

"You don't seem too phased to be doing this on me," Yahtzee said, slowly turning around.

"Oh, you should see the cranky old stallions that come in here every now and again," she said, rolling her eyes as she grabbed a bottle of oil with her teeth, talking with it clamped in her mouth. "You're a welcome change. Always liked challenges when trying to make others feel better."

"Friendly bit of advice, which is something I do not often give. You will have a difficult time trying to make me of all people feeling 'good'," he warned her.

Yahtzee Reviews - The Introduction

This fic is written in honor of Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw. The writer. The reviewer. The legend.

Youtube Video

Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw is not your regular video game reviewer. He is a reviewer who is forced to constantly review terrible games against his will due to an inescapable contract that he has with the Escapist Magazine. He was, in fact, just finishing up his latest review of the game "Twisted Metal" for the Playstation 3.

"...Whereupon she storms in and wrenches the controllers away from her children so hard their little arms snap off at the elbow," Yahtzee said quietly to himself as he typed on his computer. Pausing to think for a few seconds, he added one final thought. "Huh. Actually, on second thought, I'm down with that. Carry on, Twisted Metal."

With that done, Yahtzee grunted and stood up, stretching his arms and flexing his fingers.

"Finally done," he muttered to himself. "That game actually wasn't half bad. Much better than most garbage I am forced to look at, like Duke Nukem Forever."

Yahtzee shuddered at the thought of seeing that game again, even if it was just for a nanosecond. The door to Yahtzee's chamber then swung open. Yahtzee looked through the door and let out a disgruntled groan. It was a small, black imp holding a small parchment in one hand and a package in the other. It drooled out of the side of its mouth as it stared ahead blankly. Imps are mindless drones brainwashed by the Escapist Magazine to do their evil bidding. Most of them are actually used as paper weights and ammunition in the buildings automated cannons.

"What do you want?" Yahtzee asked, knowing that they could not speak. "I don't suppose you're here to free me, are you you little wanker?"

The imp looked up at Yahtzee and put the small piece of paper in it's mouth and balanced the package on his head like a hat. Yahtzee yanked the piece of paper out of it's mouth and smacked it with it. The imp fell down, but did not make any noise.

"It's like stealing candy from a blind, deaf, and dumb retarded quadruple amputee," he said, snickering to himself, smiling wickedly on the inside, for he had no mouth to smile with.

Yahtzee stopped looking at the imp slowly try to get up, and started to read the paper.

Dear Prisoner Yahtzee,

You may be wondering why we have sent you this letter. I am sure your hopes are that we are going to free you once and for all. That is why I say in the most respectable manner that this will never happen. It's in your contract. We are, however, sending this to inform you that you have to do another review that will have to be completed for tomorrow. We know that you have already completed a review for tomorrow, but we realized all but too late that the video game we provided was somewhat decent. Instead, we want you to review this new game that just came out, from an unfunded indie developer located somewhere in Alaska.

What can we say, we are evil and our consumers demand blood, and the reviews you do where you praise the game do not bring in the numbers.

We hope you do not in any shape, way, or form enjoy this garbage.

-Signed, your evil overlord.

"I just finished writing my bloody review," Yahtzee exclaimed angrily, crumpling the letter up in his hands. "How on earth do they expect me to pull another review out of my derriere in just one night?"

The imp finally managed to get up just as Yahtzee finished his sentence. Yahtzee scowled and grabbed the package from the imp and kicked it back on to the ground. He then trudged back in to his room and slammed the door behind him. He cursed under his breath and threw the letter in the trash. He sat back down on his chair and ripped open the package to look at it, but when he opened it he slammed his eyes shut.

"What kind of game is this?" he asked furiously, shielding his eyes.

Yahtzee slowly retracted his hand from his face and looked at the case of the game. The case was extremely vividly colored and the title seamlessly blended in with the other colors of the case.

"Well, I'm hating this already," he muttered, squinting to see the title of the game.

He paused when he read the title. He then read it again to make sure, and once again to make sure he made sure.

"My Little Pony and the New Element?" Yahtzee said with a sick laugh. "They really are evil. What system is this even for?"

Yahtzee looked over the case but could not see any sign of which console it ran on. No Xbox 360 logo. No Playstation 3 logo. And certainly no Wii logo. He shrugged and threw it in to his computers disc drive, hoping that it would not work and he would have a reason to not play it. The desktops toolbar showed that there was indeed a disc in the drive, but it was labeled *Unknown Error*. He double clicked on the little icon and it a small symbol appeared in the middle of his desktop. It was a white castle with the letter c implanted on the flag. On the bottom right of the screen, a notice was given that read "MLP.exe has been installed".

"Well isn't this off to a fabulous start?" he grumbled as nothing happened when he clicked it. "Hurry up, I need to do this before I die of a brain hemorrhage."

He then hit his computer and double clicked it again. This time the screen changed and showed a logo that read Hasbro on it. He rolled his eyes and clicked his mouse, trying to skip the introduction. He groaned as it kept rolling on, without any hint of it being able to be skipped. Small letters appeared on the screen and Yahtzee leaned in close and squinted his eyes to read what it said. The letters appeared to be blurred and it took him a couple seconds to read each word.

"This. Product. Is. Not. To. Be. Held. Responsible. For. Any. Sudden. Changes. Of. Disposition. Players. May. Suffer. From. Severe. Happiness," he rolled his eyes as he finished. "How cute. I already want to shove a sword in to my chest and rip it upwards."

Another small screen appeared with even smaller words on it. Yahtzee felt his patience wearing thin as he squinted his eyes even harder to read these words. He brought his face as close as humanly possible to the screen as he could.

"Hi!" the computer said at full volume. "My name is Twilight Sparkle..."

"Gah!" Yahtzee exclaimed, turning down the volume of his computer to a comfortable four percent.

"And this is Equestria!" the pony which was now visible on the screen, and apparently named Twilight Sparkle, said. "This is where me and my friends live and have our wonderful adventures. Would you like to have a wonderful adventure?"

"No," he said to himself. "No I would not like that. Not in the slightest bit."

"Great!" Twilight said, closing her eyes. "But first, I want you to meet my friends. I, as well as each of my friends, are the holders of the Elements of Harmony."

A screenshot then appeared on the screen, showing a picture of a purple unicorn.

"This is me, Twilight Sparkle," she continued. "I represent the element of Magic! I am very studious and I am usually found reading my books, because I believe that learning can be fun. Do you think learning can be fun?"

"Not at all," he replied bemusedly.

"Me too!" Twilight said. "I'm glad you like to learn because we will be doing a lot of that."

"Dammit. Skip damn you. SKIP!" he yelled, clicking his mouse furiously to skip the scene, but to no avail.

The screen then changed to show a second snapshot of an orange pony kicking a tree.

"This pony is named Applejack," Twilight said. "She represents the spirit of Honesty. She is a hardworking southern earth pony who is extremely dependable."

"Howdy!" Another voice said.

"For the love of everything, kill me now," he whimpered spitefully, throwing his mouse at the wall.

A third snapshot appeared, this time one with a blue pony with a rainbow colored mane.

"This pony is named Rainbow Dash. Can you say Rainbow Dash?"

"No I can't," he mumbled.

"Great job!" Twilight said with a wide smile that made Yahtzee sick to his stomach. "Rainbow Dash is a pegasus and she represents the element of Loyalty! She is an excellent athlete and she is not afraid to help her friends in a pinch."

"Hey there, I can't wait to meet you," a boyish voice called out.

"I give up," he sighed, throwing his hands in the air. "I don't even care anymore."

A fourth snapshot appeared, this time of a white unicorn.

"This unicorn is named Rarity," Twilight said. "She represents the element of Generosity. She is always there for her friends and is always ready to sacrifice her time to spend it with her friends."

"It is a pleasure to meet you," arefined voice said.

"Fantastic," he said with fake enthusiasm. "Please, do go on. I ever so wish to learn the ways of friendship..."

A fifth snapshot appeared, showing a yellow pegasus on the grass with a bunny next to her.

"This is Fluttershy," Twilight continued.

Yahtzee put the palm of his hand on his face and groaned.

"She represents the value of Kindness," she explained. "She is a quiet pony who loves to play with her many animal friends."

"Hello," a quiet and oddly soothing voice said.

"Fascinating." Yahtzee cried out. "Why won't it end?"

Another snapshot appeared, this time of a pink pony, that Yahtzee could already tell he was going to despise.

"This is Pinkie Pie. She represents the element of Laughter!" Twilight added.

As Twilight said that a shrill laughter burst out of the speakers and Yahtzee slammed his hands on his ears.

"She is a party pony and she is always glad to meet new ponies and make them smile," she explained.

"Hello there!" a high pitched voice exclaimed.

Another snapshot appeared on the screen, showing a picture of all of the ponies in a group.

"As you can see, we all have greatly different backgrounds, but that makes us closer to each other, even though our personalities differ greatly."

"Well done," Yahtzee said, clapping slowly. "You have officially showed me that friendship is beautiful. I don't even have to play the game now!"

"We hope to see you soon in Equestria so we can become your friend too!" Twilight laughed happily.

The title screen then flashed showing the new game button. Yahtzee was about to shut off his monitor but found himself strangely captivated by the bright ponies.

"You know what?" Yahtzee asked to nobody in particular. "I'll give this a shot. It can't be any worse than any of the other pathetic drivel I have played."

Yahtzee clicked the new game button and was prompted to give his name. In which he typed his name and hit enter. The screen then changed and showed a view of a town.

"This is Ponyville," Twilight Sparkle, the voice Yahtzee had already grown weary of, said. "This is where my friends and I live, and this is where we are going to meet for the first time."

"And hopefully the last," Yahtzee chuckled briefly to himself.

The screen then zoomed in to a town to show Twilight Sparkle standing still, smiling.

"Why hello there!" Twilight Sparkle said, trotting up to the screen, smiling widely. "You must be new in to-"

Yahtzee stared at the screen in disbelief. Ten seconds in to the game it already froze.

"For crying out loud, the creators of this just want me to hate everything, don't they?" he growled.

Yahtzee hit the computer in an attempt to get it to start again, but to no success. Yahtzee groaned and opened up the back of his tower. The imp from the hallway then managed to open the door and walk in.

"I don't expect you know how to fix a computer, do you?" he asked, looking at the small, black simpleton.

The imp stared at him and walked to the computer and ripped out a wire.

"That's not helping!" Yahtzee yelled, striking the imp on the back of the head.

The imp got back up and tried to put the wire back but was unable to, due to the rip in the chord. The imp then put the chord in it's mouth and got severely electrocuted, causing it to fall to the ground, much to Yahtzee's amusement.

"Hey that was great, mind doing it again?" he said in a sadistically gleeful voice.

The imp got up and spun around the room in a daze, just to fall on to Yahtzee's lap. Yahtzee kicked the imp off and groaned. Yahtzee looked at his computer and hit it again, but this time he got sent flying backwards in to his wall. Yahtzee grunted in pain. He opened his eyes and saw the imp in front of him so he kicked it as hard as he could. The kick hurt Yahtzee's foot and he doubled over with the pain.

"Are you okay?"asked an oddly familiar boyish voice.

"No, I think I may have broken something." Yahtzee said, slowly trying to stand up.

"Oh my, maybe we should bring you to a doctor," another familiar voice said, this time it was quiet... and meek.

Yahtzee slowly opened his eyes and looked up to be greeted by a bouncing pink pony, causing him to yelp and fall backwards.

"Hi," the pink pony exclaimed. "My name is Pinkie Pie, what's your name?"