Chaptah 1 - "My friends are complete morons." -Twinkie Spinkie
Warning: This is Canon.
A young purple pony horse with a horn placed atop her head paced around her library-home, thinking of things.
The wooden floor creaked where her hoof-like appendages landed, the fridge in the kitchen let off a low hum, and the walls full of books were silent.
This purple horse's name is Twilight Sparkle, and she had a serious problem.
But suddenly, a lion-like roar came from her stomach; she was hungry.
The horse made her way into the kitchen, the floor creaking once again.
She opened the fridge with her front-left appendage, reaching inside the fridge with the other; forcing her to precariously balance on her meaty back hooves.
Twilight rummaged through the fridge with speed, eventually pulling out a grey tube of Manesanto™ grade-A processed beef with several labels on it saying that it was "100% Natural! No genetic modification, we swear!". Twilight saw through Manesanto™'s lies long ago, but the company had bought up just about every beef farm ever, causing the only Natural meat trees to be available to the higher-ups of the company.
So the horse had no choice but to eat the cancer-inducing food.
Closing the fridge door, Twilight brought the tube of meat over to an old kitchen table. She set the meat down on the table, and sat at it.
Licking her lips greedily, she grabbed the tube with her hooves and forced the meat down her throat.
The unicorn felt pure bliss as the tube food rolled along her tongue and down into her belly.
But then it was serious time again; Twilight returned to her pacing.
"What was I doing again?" She asked herself.
"Oh right," Twinkie Spinkie said as she immediately remembered; "My friends are complete morons!" she said.
In her tiny little horse brain though, the unicorn finally realized that pacing around wouldn't solve this problem like the eggplant arcade incident a few weeks ago.
So she decided to actually read some books and see what was going on, so the unicorn began to rummage through her books; starting a montage of epic proportions that can't be described very well in a text format, so you'll just have to trust me on that. There was a lot of intense book-reading action and baby dragon abuse for comedic porpoises. Just putting that out there. It was pretty funny. Okay? Okay.
"I've got it!" Twilight shouted out; thus ending the extra fantastical montage, much to the dismay of all the readers.
"So according to this book on cat neutering, my friends all have caught the memeasaurus rexizizzle illness! I must do further research!" The tiny horse exclaimed.
Twilight Sparkle searched her library high and low for a book with more information on the ailment; but unfortunately didn't find any more information.
"Garsh darn-it!" she yelled in frustration.
"W-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-well hey Twilight maybe you should go to Parking Lot and check out the the Library there. Maybe Princess Chopsticks will give you access if you asked nicely!" Spike said as he sat in his iron cage which was hanging from the ceiling.
"WHO GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO TALK, PEASANT?" The Unicorn yelled at the baby Dragon. This frightened him immensely, so he went back to cowering in his cage.
"Wait a minute though... Maybe if I go to Parking Lot and ask Princess Chopsticks, she'll give me access to the library there!" Twilight said to herself in a stroke a pure genius.
"Then it's settled: I'm going to Parking Lot!" The brilliant Unicorn said aloud.
"Oh, but I guess someone needs to watch Spike while I'm gone..." She whispered to herself, starting to think of someone who might want to take care of the blubbering baby.
"Naaaaaah, he'll be fine!" the meaty mammal said to herself as she walked out of her home and slammed the door behind her, not forgetting to lock and magically seal the door as well. "After all, what if Spike tried to run away?" She thought as she did so.
After the deed was done, Twilight happily skipped to the train station and got on the train to Parking Lot.
After an incredibly boring train ride full of absolutely nothing of note Twilight was incredibly tired, and the sun had been replaced by the moon at the time the train pulled into the Parking Lot train station. Twilight slowly made her way to the nearest hotel, as the Parking Lot Castle was much too far away.
Fortunately the nearest hotel was a five-star joint a few blocks down from the train station, so the Unicorn didn't have a long way to go.
As she walked down the dark streets, Twilight noticed several instances of ponies doing incredibly lewd things to each other that cannot be described on a christian website, whether that be in alleyways or right in the open. She wasn't sure why it was happening, but it was happening. Maybe she was forgetting something? Regardless though, the situation didn't concern her in the slightest, so she continued towards the hotel and tried her best to ignore the mass lewd that seemed to have broken out in the large city.
After an exhausting walk though, the confused Unicorn made it to the hotel, payed for a room, and then went to said room.
It wasn't anything too extravagant or large since she was only staying the night, but it was still incredibly tidy and even though it wasn't too fancy, it still looked very visually appealing.
But that didn't matter to Twilight. all that mattered in that very moment was getting some sleep. She dived into the bed, and wrapped herself in the pristine white sheets, she then turned off the lights with her magic, and slowly began to drift off into dreamworldlandplace.
The unicorn woke up to a sunny day.
She decided that she didn't want anything to do with all the hoers lewd still going on, so she decided to skip breakfast, rush out of the hotel place, and run super fast to the Parking Lot Castle to see Princest Wincest.
As she ran along, it looked like there were even more horsies being incredibly lewd, but they were once again ignored by Twilight.
After more running, she arrived at the castle, however the guards were also doing the lewd as well, so she just decided to leave them be a stroll through the gates, into the castle, and right up to the throne room doors.
The tiny horse gulped, hoping that ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LEWD IN THE SLIGHTEST would be going on behind the doors.
But then Twilight remembered hearing something about Alicorns not having lewd parts, so she sighed in relief, and opened the door...
Only to see Princess Cereal [CENSORED DUE TO BEING INCREDIBLY LEWD ON A CHRISTIAN WEBSITE]
"Nope." the confused and slightly aroused horse said to herself, as she slammed the doors shut REALLY FAST AND HARD with her magic.
Seeing how just about everyhorsey in Parking Lot had been afflicted with this extreme lust, and the Princess had turned into a Super Kawaii Futanari Waifu Desu~™, Twilight just decided to go to the library anyways. Fuck the police and stuff. Not literally though, that might be against the law unless it's consensual. Actually would it even matter if it was the police or not if it wasn't consensual? I guess so. I don't know, lewd is confusing.
So yeah the unicorn got the hell out of dodge and went to the Parking Lot Library Playset™.
After walking by some more hoerses being lewd Twilight reached the Library, ran inside, and quickly began searching for books with more information on the affliction that had struck her friends.
Many hours later Twilight finally found the book she was looking for.
"So that's what I gotta dew!" She said.
"In order to cure the meem, you need to come up with a meme so cancerous that not even a retard could find it humorous in the slightest!" teh unicronzz said aloud.
She ran to the train station like sanic, and got on the train back to Poney Town.
Little did she know, some super sketch big dick G was following her...
After a super swank thinking session on the train ride back to ponyville about which memes would be more effective at curing her friends, Twilight was pretty confident that she could save them, and was relatively excited to actually have somewhat intelligent discussion with all her friends for the first time in forever.
She rushed home, and forced Spike to send them all a message telling them to come to her house immediately.
A few minutes later, the unicorn heard a knock at the door, and answered it to see the smiling faces of her friends.
"Ah there you all are. Come on in, I made tea!" she said.
"Oh lol tea is for nerds Twilight XD" Rainbow Dash said.
"Doge" Appel jake said.
"mem" flutershy said.
"troled u" pink pie said.
"Rarety is disaponet only true hipster would make coffee." Rarity said.
"Okay just drink the tea." Twilight said, levitating an ice cold bowl of tea over to each horse.
As the ponies tried their best to chew through their solid blocks of tea, Twilight decided to try one of her new cool memes.
"What did the doge say to the cool guy?" Twilight asked.
"idunno" her buds said.
"Watch out cool guy, I am going to get you because I am angry!" she said.
Her friends stopped eating their tea.
They all gave her a blank stare.
They got up.
And Turned around.
And walked away with a million-yard stare plastered on their faces.
"Did it work?" Twilight asked herself.
"Probably not, I'm just going to kill myself now." she decided.
Twilight trudged upstairs to her bedroom, making sure to grab some rope on her way up.
As she went up the stairs though, she felt a shiver down her spine. Something was wrong in her bedroom, but she couldn't tell what.
She slowly made her way up the stairs, and slowly opened the the door, peeking inside.
What she saw was horrifying and strange.
there was green bl00d everywhere. On the floor, on the walls, on the ceiling, and even on the bed!!
But right in the middle of the room, Spike was hanging from the ceiling from a thin wire.
"Aw shit, how am I going to clean this up?" Twilight said to herself.
"don't worry about it brohemian, I'll clean it up later" A mysterious but familiar voice said.
"Whosthere?" Twilight asked.
"Don't recognize my voice?" some masculine rad dude in a travel coat said as he walked out of the shadows of Twilight's room, revealing himself as none other than Shining Armour; Twilight's brother.
"Whoa Shining Armour what are you doing here?" The girl horse asked.
"I came here to see you dude!" her brother replied, as he pulled a mysterious vial from his travel coat.
"Neato, what's in tha vial nuqqa?" the sister asked.
"Aw nothing important, definitely not the drug that was all in the air in Parking Lot that was causing the ponies to get all lewd that I wasn't ordered to spread to ponyville." he replied as he smashed it on the ground and a mysterious pink gas came from where it was broken, which began to exponentially grow and exit the room via the open window.
"Oh okay." she replied, trusting her brother completely.
"You want some tea m8?" Twilight asked.
"Sure." her brother replied.
The two went downstairs, and Twilight began to prepare some tea for her brother, completely unaware of the drug that had already entered her system...
THE END?
Warning: This is still canon.
"So shinning armored, what brings you around here?" Twilight asked.
"Came to get ur bootie" Shining Armour replied.
"U fukn wot m80?" Twilight asked with shock.
"you know it bae, I've been wanting that booty since we were just dank little kidz smoking weed in the streetz." shining answered.
"Aw hail naw, I'm not some otaku weeb lusting after their family members!" Twilight said.
"Too fukn' bad m8, should have checked urself b4 you wrecked urself." Her brother replied.
"Beg ur pardon u cheeke fukkin cunt?" Our protagonist bravely asked.
"I already gave you the sexy timez drug and you didn't even know it Twilight. You will be mine, like it or not." The guard said with a much more serious tone.
"That's fucking rape you piece of shit, and you know it! What happened to being on the side of justice, and doing what's right?" The purple unicorn yelled.
Shining Armour looked down with a sad look in his face.
"Twilight... Justice is dead. It's been dead for years. There's no such thing as heroes anymore, nobody cares about doing good... It's all about the money these days." He said, his sadness looking more like depression by the second.
"But nii-san, you're the captain of the guard! If you stop believing in justice then how can your subordinates believe? Sure, maybe your superiors only care about the thick wads coming in, but that doesn't mean you have to!" Twilight replied.
Shining Armour opened his mouth as to say something, but closed it. He lowered his head and furrowed his brow. And he thought about things. Pretty much everything.
He thought about justice, his job, and the money he made doing it. He thought about his ideals, he thought about the thoughts and memes that had been passed on to him by his superiors.
"Twilight... You're right. All the stress my superiors have been putting on me lately have been really getting to me. It made me vulnerable to their ideas, and it swayed me to do their bidding. They had me convinced that justice was only a fantasy of the past..." The guard captain said, pausing afterwards.
"But they were wrong." He finished.
"Twilight, I can't thank you enough for what you just said to me. While it is true that I still have feelings for you, rape is not the way to get those feeling across. If I really want my feeling for you to be recognized by you, even if you don't return them, I need to prove it without bat-shit insane illegal methods." Shining Armour said.
"Damn fucking straight, kid." Twilight said, now smirking.
"Although I'm going to have to ask you to pay for a new assistant, you cheeke cunt." She said.
Suddenly though, Twilight felt a tightening in her chest, and a burning in her loins.
"Oh fuck, I forgot that drug was still in me." She said.
"Oh. Fucking wonderful." Shining said, an upset tone in his voice.
"I need you to tie me up shining, before I do something I might regret." Twilight said.
"Oh, uh, alright." he replied, quickly beginning his search for something that could be used to bind the horny mare.
Finally finding some rope, he quickly used his magic to tie his sister up in one of her chairs.
"Damn son these are some fine-ass ropes I'm getting turned on already." Twilight said.
"Awww hail naw!" Shinning replied.
"Gimme your [LEWD BODY PART] I want it in my mouth." The unicorn said.
"NAH." Her brother responded.
"HAVE SEX WITH ME YOU PIECE OF SHIT." Twilight yelled.
"NOPE THAT WOULD BE KIND OF FUCKING RAPE, AS YOU EXPLAINED TO ME EARLIER." shining armour replied, reaching into his pockets.
Twilight's brother pulled out a syringe containing purple liquid and injected her with all the marijuanas, causing her to mellow out in an instant.
"Damn, that was quick." He said.
Twilight Sparkle awoke in her house.
"Damn son, I feel like I just injected 30ccs of weed.....?....???/" she said.
As she regained her senses, she felt a wetness in her groin.
"Awww shit, now I remember what happned." she sed.
"hopefully Shining tapped into his inner SJW and didn't rape me while I was high." The unicorn said to herself.
Using her magic Twilight undid her bindings and slowly crawled into her bathroom for a shower.
Twenty minutes later she emerged from the bathroom looking a lot cleaner, fluffier, and energized.
"Okay, now what the hell am I supposed to do?" She asked herself.
"There's no sign of my brother, spike is dead, and my friends probably hate me, so what the hell am I supposed to do?" Twilight wondered.
Then she noticed a note at the door. This is what it said.
Hey Twilight I totally left to fight the evil corporation that are pumping sex drugs everywhere to keep everyone stupid and had me convinced I could do no good so you should get your friends and help me in Parking Lot or something, I dunno m80 it's your call.
'K.' Twilight thought.
"Well my friends probably hate me, but whatever, I guess I'll try apologizing for making such a cancerous fucking joke." She said to herself.
So she went out the door, got on the floor, and everybody walked the dinosaur.
"I have found you evil guys and I am here to stop your evil bullying." Shining Armour said to a suuuper spooky and mysterious figure.
"Hahahahahahaha How The Fuck Is Cyber Bullying Real Hahahahaha Nigga Just Walk Away From The Screen Like Nigga Close Your Eyes Haha" The mysterious figure replied.
"Damn son, this 'ain't about some pussy-ass cyber bullying, I 'ain't no thin-skinned pansy ass baby, I'm here to stop you from doing all that evil drug shit." Shining Armour replied.
"OH OKAY." The mysterious figure replied a little more seriously.
TO BE CONTINUED?
