Get Ready to Die I'll Tell Ya What
With a thin moisture resting atop his brow, Hank opened the closet, revealing his shining clone trooper uniform. The white glossiness of the thing shimmering off the moonlight, the hot red streaks of war paint decorating the arms and legs. Hank grinned as he scanned the armor’s beauty. There was only one thing Hank loved more than propane and fucking bitches, and that’s his gear.
Equipped with a DC-17 blaster rifle, accompanied by long range sniper and anti-infantry attachments, Hank was more than ready to take on his arch rivals. The fuckin ponies. They had stolen his only son, Bobby, turned him into a brony. HANK HATES BRONIES! There for, he will seek out the ultimate extinction of the ponies. No lives will be spared.
Hank slowly stripped nude, then creeping his hairy legs into the suite, and finally adjusting a few straps. The armor fit perfectly, so smooth against his firm body like a baby’s bottom. Hank grabbed his blaster, admiring its sleek appearance. He fought many battles with it, the worn look can prove that, but he still wouldn’t leave home without it. He placed the plasma blue magazine clip into the side of the weapon, slipped the mark 10 assault blaster pistol into his holster, and was ready to rock and roll.
Hank pushed a few of his shirts aside and revealed the portal he had built in the back of his closet. Made entirely of whale seamen and
Bobby’s foreskin, hank flipped the ON switch. The portal started to glow a bright white, signaling that the realm of Equestria stood before his very eyes. As he was about to walk through, a shrill voice stopped him.
“Wait!!!!”
Hank turned, greeted by the distraught faced Dale. “What is it Dale, I’ll tell ya what,” Hank said, “You know I was leaving tonight to kill the ponies, I’ll tell ya what.”
Dale frowned, “You didn’t think I would let you leave without one last goodbye, did you?
Hank smiled and gave Dale a soft peck on the lips. They both grinned and hugged one last time as Hank disappeared inside the portal, ready to exterminate all of pony-kind.
***
Hank stepped out of the portal and now stood in a bright open field. He was in Equestria, a place of pure, unadulterated evil. Ruled by the sickest beasts known to the universe… ponies.
The town of Ponyville stood in the distance. Hank wore a grim smile as he approached the village. “Those ponies are gonna pay, I’ll tell ya what!” he muttered to himself.
He then stood in the town square, a massive bakery standing before him. A sign dangled over the front door, “Sugar Cube Corner”
It was early morning, and no pony was out yet to witness Hank’s presence. The bakery had just opened shop for the day, and this seemed like a perfect target.
Hank bashed the front doors open with his foot, greeted with the terrified face of a small pink pony. He strained his blaster at the miniature horse, firing of a flurry of blue lasers at it. She fell to the ground with a thud and Hank let out a hardy laugh. “Little bitch I’ll tell ya what”
Then, the crying of babies could be heard through a door behind the counter. There were obviously children in there, and Hank couldn’t spare them. He quickly pulled a thermal detonator from his rear supply kit, tossing it through the door. A massive explosion rattled the building and the crying baby’s went silent.
Hank smiled as the smell of blood and cooked horses met with his nose. It seemed the bakery was clear and it was time to move on. But as Hank stepped out of the building, a group of ponies had massed in the town square, all going to investigate the sound of the explosion.
“What is that thing!?” shouted one of the ponies, pointing at Hank.
“It’s Discord in disguise!” screamed another.
“I’m no Discord I’ll tell ya what!” Hank announced, “I’m your maker I’ll tell ya what.”
Hank applied his anti-infantry attachment, aiming the massive gun at the ponies. “GET READY TO DIE! I’LL TELL YA WHAT!”
He fired a single shell into the crowed. Pony bits went flying all over the place and blood rained from the sky. Hank laughed as he looked over the ocean of corpses.
“Hey!” shouted another voice, “What do you think you’re doing!” A rainbow-mane pony was yelling at Hank from the sky, accompanied by at least ten other pegusi.
“Your just a bunch of rats with wings I’ll tell ya what!” Hank scoffed, “Get ready to die I’ll tell ya what!”
He pulled out his sniper attachment and went MLG pro on the ponies, quick scoping them at lighting fast speeds. One by one they fell like rag dolls and the cyan pony charged Hank. He grabbed her by the throat and snapped her twig like neck in a heartbeat.
Hank wiped his brow, “Man, I’m getting tired I’ll tell ya what.” Hank flipped open a switch on his wrist control panel and looked at the button that read, “NUKE”
“Let’s do this the easy way I’ll tell ya what.” He pressed the button and a nuke fired itself from his hand. Hank watched as the massive missile streamed through the air, growing higher and higher in the sky. Hank knew he would have to get out of there, not even someone with his pure level of awesomeness could survive an explosion such as this.
He finally got back to his portal and laughed as the nuke imploded everything. A million screams ran through his ears, filling him with so much glee he couldn’t help but shit himself just a little, a single turd ball falling down his pant leg.
Hank returned home where he was given a nationwide celebration and his own holiday, “Hank Day.” The town of Arlen was renamed “Hankville,” and Hank was granted as supreme over lord of the universe. He eventually ended up marrying his true love, Dale, and they enjoyed sweet sex every night.
Bobby’s spell under the ponies was broken and he was no longer a brony, he went back to his original h8r ways and all was happy.
THE END.
