The Complaints of a P.O.’ed Amareican Pony
“You alright back there sir?” the carriage driver leaned back and asked the stallion in the back seat.
“Hm?” The pony responded with only a slight grunt as he looked up from his Neightendo 3DS, implying that he hadn’t been paying much attention. He was a bright white color, with a red and blue spiked mane that looked completely wild and unkempt and it hung off the side of his face, and his Cutie-Mark appeared to be a red, white and blue flag. The flag of Amareica, where this pony hailed from, and a place he had extensive knowledge of, and had extreme patriotism over.
“I asked if you were okay back there Mr. Sheep” the driver said again. The stallion, now known as Sheep facehoofed internally. Sometimes he wondered what in the name of Tartarus his parents were thinking. Just because they were farmers does not mean he had to be named after an animal. It was embarrassing, and it almost always led to some very weird situations. Suddenly, a loud “Death” cry came from Sheep’s 3DS. The sound caught his attention and he scowled at the screen.
“If by okay, you mean my last Ponymon just got bucking burned to death than yes, I’m just peachy.” Sheep growled at the driver.
“Oh, how unfortunate sir.” The driver didn’t understand what exactly a “Ponymon” was supposed to be, but he figured it was best to just not question it.
“Le sigh. Damn gym leader is a mega-bitch to beat if I ever saw o- Oh well look at that, we’re at the studio. Strange how fast time flies when you’re playing Ponymon. Everything else just seems to get tuned out.” Sheep said as the driver pulled the reins to the carriage-stallions, telling them to stop in front of Equestria Entertainment’s parking lot. Once the carriage came to a complete stop, the driver hopped off the top and opened Sheep’s door, letting him out.
Sheep immediately jumped out of the carriage and made his way inside the building, headed down the hall, and went to “Studio 12”. This is where he was the star of the show. Here, he was promised fortune and notoriety for his efforts.
And what were Sheep’s efforts?
Complaining his little Amareican pony heart out.
Sheep tended to overreact to EVERYTHING. Even the tiniest, most insignificant thing in Equestria could set him off.
Step in a piece of chewed gum that someone left in the street?
Rant about littering on live T.V. for an hour and a half. That was his solution to everything.
As Sheep started to approach the desk in front of the camera where he usually sat, he noticed the absence of his co-host. He nudged one of the producer ponies.
“Hey buddy. Where the hay is Trixie?” Sheep asked.
The producer groaned.
“Oh you mean “The Great and Powerful Asshat?” Unfashionably late as usual.” He said.
Sheep facehoofed. This was the ONE downside to his job.
Working with…HER.
And then, the large double doors burst open and a light blue unicorn with a white mane and a magic wand cutie mark trotted into the room. She was obviously the most out of place pony in the entire studio, what with her starry cape and magician’s hat. And she was trying WAAAAY too hard to look majestic as she walked in.
“Behold, The Great and Powerful Trixie has arrived to bring actual meaning to this bland and boring studio!” Trixie shouted overdramatically.
Sheep rolled his eyes.
“Oh fantastic, enter the mega bitch.” Sheep groaned in annoyance.
Trixie immediately took note of Sheep’s reaction and smugly smiled.
“Please Sheep. You should be honored that you get to work with the most amazing and powerful unicorn in all of Equestria!”
“If I recall correctly, Twilight Sparkle royally kicks your ass at magic.” Sheep said with a deadpan.
“Twilight? Pfft. Twilight is nothing but a poser. She is not nearly as astounding as Trixie!” she said proudly, putting a hoof to her chest.
“Heh. Look who’s calling who a poser.” Sheep said.
Suddenly, one of the producers came in between the two.
“We don’t have time for this you two! Just get in front of that camera and look angry Sheep! Trixie, you sit next to him and egg him on.” He said.
“Can’t wait.” Sheep groaned.
Both ponies sat next to each other at the desk and waited for the camera to turn on. One of the ponies then gestured to them when the camera unicorn used his magic to turn on the camera.
Sheep then cleared his throat.
“Hello Equestria, and welcome to another edition of “The Complaints of a P.O.’ed Amareican Pony. I’m Sh-“
“And I am the Great and Powerful Trixie!”
Sheep then turned to Trixie and scowled.
“Trixie, you NEVER interrupt me alright?! I am the main attraction here, and YOU’RE just along for the ride!” Sheep yelled.
Trixie chuckled.
“Along for the ride Sheep? This show would be nothing without Trixie! If I wasn’t here, who else would piss you off?”
“Believe me Trixie, they would have found somepony, but you do have a point. NOPONY in the universe pisses me off more than you. But they could probably just replace you with one of those assholes from PMZ.” With that last statement Sheep’s scowl deepened.
“Trixie smells a rant coming on. It would seem PMZ is the subject of Sheep’s anger today.” Trixie snickered.
“Here’s how I see things everypony. With very few exceptions, T.V. SUCKS! And I think I’ve figured out why. When television was invented in Equestria, it was meant for actual, wholesome entertainment. But was it used for that? No. No it wasn’t. Instead, a lot of what we’ve seen so far is pregnant teenagers, fat mares that horde stuff, and of course there’s the absolute WORST of all of them. PMZ is basically MADE to ruin a popular pony’s reputation. Trixie, care to explain?”
“Trixie has a list of stories that PMZ has recently put out. And all of them are absolutely ridiculous. Let’s see what we have here. “Is Pinkie Pie on drugs? Rarity caught cross-dressing. And of course…HEY! I AM NOT A LESBIAN!” Trixie screamed as loud as she could.
Sheep was resisting the urge not to laugh.
“Wow, PMZ must have hit a new low to have to resort to making fun of YOU Trixie.”
“SHUT UP! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!! THEY ARE BLATANTLY INSULTING ME IN FRONT OF EVERYPONY!”
“Well that’s what PMZ exists for. They follow famous-or in Trixie’s case, kinda-sorta famous- ponies around and try to get the dirt on them. One simple misunderstanding and an edited picture later, and an innocent pony’s reputation is down the crapper. It’s an invasion of personal space, and it’s terribly unholy and is what basically makes me realize that nothing in Equestria is sacred. I mean, if they can make such insulting stories out of such amazing and heroic ponies, then all hope is lost.”
“Wouldn’t they be seen better if they just quit doing this crap and told the truth once in a while?” Trixie asked.
“Well that’s the problem. If they were seen as good ponies, nopony would watch that trash. I mean, they’re not actually contributing anything to Equestrian society. I could go on with my life just fine without knowing any of this garbage, even if it was true.” Sheep then stood out of his chair and yelled.
“PMZ! YOU WILL DIE IF YOU DON’T KNOW THIS INFORMATION! YOU’RE LIFE IS WORTHLESS WITHOUT US!...That’s basically what they’re saying.”
“Oh yes, and would you care to tell everypony just how tolerant THEY are about being insulted?”
“Oh, I’d be glad to. Yeah, I didn’t even mention how they don’t like being insulted themselves….Do I even need to explain everything that is wrong with that?! For a show that revolves around pounding a pony’s good name into dust and pissing on it, they are pretty big hypocrites when it comes to being made fun of themselves. So yeah, in case you can’t tell, I hate these guys. So for you jackasses over at PMZ, if you’re watching this, go buck your respective selves. Oh, and if you EVER accuse Princess Luna of being a prostitute EVER again, I WILL find you and beat the crap out of every single one of you, do you hear me?!” Sheep screamed.
Trixie raised an eyebrow.
“Well, well. It seems that somepony has a soft spot for the Princess hmm? Anything you want to clarify about that Sheep?”
Sheep’s face immediately flushed and his ears folded back in embarrassment.
“…You were right Trixie. Nopony in the universe makes me angrier than you.”
“Hehe. Trixie is glad you appreciate her ability to piss you off.”
“Grrr. Whatever, show’s over. I’ll be in my bucking trailer…Wait what?” Sheep put a hoof to his ear and waited a moment while nodding.
“Oh…so the producers just told me that I’m not allowed to say “Buck”, and my mistake just cost them a 25,000 bit fine for swearing on the air…Oh….well…crap. Sorry about that boss. Anyway, I’m Sheep.”
“And I am Trixie!”
“And we’ll see you next time on “The Complaints of a P.O.’ed Amareican Pony”, where I’ll continue to torture myself by complaining about everything that I hate about Equestria. Have a nice day everypony!...Oh dear Celestia please don’t fire me for this. It’s only 25,000 bits, it could’ve been worse…”
Author's Note
Here is the premiere chapter of my self insert! Tell me if you want me to continue this, and what first-world problem you want Sheep to go crazy over next! :D
