Clank!
"Ooof!"

Thun!
"Agh!"

Drunn...
"Urgh!"

Clang!
"Aaah!" Thud!

And that more or less summed up my journey down the literal rabbit hole... I don't know if I blacked out or not... It was too damn dark down there to even guess. What I knew, however, was that I felt like I went ten rounds against a concrete mixer, inside the mixer itself, and lost each and every round.

In other words, battered and bruised, and in a lot of pain. Just as I predicted. I wouldn't be surprised if my armor looked like someone had banged on it with a hammer...

I opened my eyes with a groan of pain and looked around... Or at least I think I did. It was pitch-black and I couldn't see anything. Something which spelled B-A-D in my mind... There wasn't even light coming from the hole I fell into! Though it was to be expected, since it wasn't a straight trip down, something I was glad for... Otherwise, I wouldn't have survived the fall.

"Fuck..." I swore as I pushed myself up. I was alone, underground, without food or water. Could the situation get any worse?

And of course, as if the universe just wanted to spite me, I heard a sound from somewhere to my right. I gulped audibly and fumbled around with the pouch I kept my phone in. It was the only source of light on me. Too bad I wasn't a smoker, or else I probably would have carried a lighter with me...

Finally I had the phone out and booting up. Unfortunately the light from the screen wasn't enough to illuminate whatever was making the sound... And speaking of the source, it was coming closer and sounded like... Tapping? Like multiple fingernails tapping on the stone...

For some reason it stirred a memory inside me, but I couldn't put my mind on it... If I had more time I probably could have figured it out, but I was more concerned with getting some light at the moment...

Finally the phone was ready. I quickly pressed the button for the flashlight, silently thanking the designers who made it a bit bigger than the rest of the buttons. The white light illuminated the surrounding area, confirming what I already suspected - that I was in a tunnel underground which stretched in the darkness in two directions. Above me was the hole I fell through.

I heard the sound again and immediately shined the light in that direction.

And there it was. With eight leg and eight eyes, covered in chitin and hair and looking at me with something akin to surprise was the biggest fucking spider I've ever seen in my life! The damn thing was the size of a St. Bernard!

Now, I didn't scream in terror like a little girl. No, I let out a manly yell of surprise and... Oh, who am I kidding? I almost shat my pants at the sight of it! But can you blame me? The thing was big enough to startle an Australian! Hell, it was surprising that there wasn't a health bar hovering over it!

Unfortunately, my scream prompted it to lunge at me. I fell on my back, my phone clattering on the stone floor as I tried to hold the mandibles away from me. Fortunately, it landed with the flashlight up. Unfortunately, that allowed me to see some sort of green liquid that dripped from the mandibles and onto my breastplate. I could only hope that it was just strangely-colored saliva, and not poison or acid... I didn't want to think of what might happen if it bit me and injected that thing inside the wound. It's bite alone would hurt enough...

I think I screamed my lungs out as I tried to force the monstrous spider off me. Finally I managed to kick it off and scurried back, trying to get some distance between us.

Unfortunately, the spider wasn't generous enough to stay down... It righted itself up within moments and once again pounced at me. This time I managed to roll away, causing it to impact the stone floor with a hiss.

As it got back up so did I. My hand moved to grasp the only weapon I had and pulled it out. The sword slid out of the sheath with a hiss that emboldened me a little...

This time I was the attacker. With a yell I lunged forward, bringing the sword down. Green goo flew in the air as the sharp edge bit into the spider's caparace, the thing shrieking in pain.

I continued hacking at the spider until it was an unidentifiable mass of green goo and chitin. After a bit I paused, panting heavily as I stared at it. A leg twitched and I let out a startled yelp, resuming my hacking.

Finally I stopped, lifting my sword from the remains and looking at myself.

The front of my armor and my face were splattered with the spider's remains, and I could see chunks of its caparace sticking on the metal. The sight was rather gruesome, and that was without taking the smell in consideration...

One word: Yuck!

Unfortunately there was no way that I could clean my armor now... Well, I suppose I could use my hands, but it would just transfer most of the gunk on them instead.

"Fuck..." I voiced my displeasure with a groan. My last shower was yesterday morning, and I was already starting to smell. Now I had the scent of spider guts on me as well...

Again: Yuck!

Shaking my head I walked over to my phone and picked it up. A quick check showed only one bit of discernable damage. The screen had a scratch covering a bit of it, but it was only superficial.

I smiled at that. The Nokia was a bit old, but was sturdy like its indestructable predecessor. ive dropped it from greater heights than that and it only had minor scratches.

Still, I sighed in relief. The piece of technology was my only source of light down here and it would've been bad if I lost it.

Holding the phone carefully and trying to protect it from the gunk that covered me I looked around. Nothing had changed in my surroundings (if you discounted the pile of spider a couple of meters away)... I had two choices. Go left or go right. Both corridors looked equally level so either of them could lead me to the surface...

My train of thought halted with a mighty screech as I heard a now familiar sound... The sound of many hard legs tapping against stone...

In other words, the sound of many spiders coming from the right tunnel.

Well, that solved my dilemma for me...

"Yeah..." I drawled out. "Nope... Nope, nope, nope nope!" I said to myself as I turned tail and ran down the left corridor as fast as I could.

I could only hope that it would lead me to the surface and back to Blossom...

I had no idea how long did I run, but my mind eventually realized the fact that I could hear only the sounds of my footsteps, my heavy breathing and my armor clanking. As soon as it did I slowed down, eventually stopping completely. Placing the hand that held the phone on the stone wall for support I bent over, panting heavily as I tried to get my breathing under control.

Damn... That was quite the run... I could feel the sweat covering my body under the shirt and pants I wore under the armor... Hell, I could see the droplets falling from my face.

"I hate running..." I muttered with a groan as I righted myself up. And I really did. It always made my legs ache and tired me out... I preferred walking. I could endure fast walking for hours.

Running also did another thing to me that I hated - it made me thirsty as hell... I had the feeling my mouth was dry as a desert.

"Bleh..." I summed up my feelings on the matter. I had to find some water soon... Oh well, there was probably going to be an underground stream somewhere ahead...

I hope...

Using the phone to light my way I continued walking at a brisk pace, my sword held ready to fight off whatever terror lurked in the tunnel.

Soon I realized something - the tunnel was too straight to be natural... With that in mind I started to pay more attention to the walls. I wasn't an expert, but I think I saw several places that bore tool marks.

If I was right then something made these tunnels... Maybe this was an old mine? I could only hope so. It would mean that there was an exit to the surface, and I needed that badly...

Soon the tunnel led me to a large chamber, about the size of a large house or a small mansion. As I shone the light around I found out that it was the converging point of nearly a dozen tunnels...

Shit...

This just complicated my situation. I had no way of knowing which tunnel to take. Any of them could lead me to the surface and Blossom... Or deeper underground.

To repeat again: shit...

I leaned against the wall to rest for a bit as I tried to figure out which tunnel to take. Finally I sighed and gave up. I'd just pick one at random when I was done. In the meantime, I wanted to see how long would my light last.

As I unlocked the phone I looked at the battery indicator and blinked. Full? How the hell was it... My train of thought was once again halted as I saw it go empty. Then there was one bar, two bars, three...

"What the..." I voiced my confussion. The phone was charging itself? How? That was impossible! Then again, I was in magical pony land, so maybe I should use that word a bit less often... I had no idea of the laws of Physics here, or how Magic affected them...

Still, if my phone's battery was charging itself I couldn't complain. It meant two things - no limit as of how long I could listen to my music, and no limit to the light at the moment. Both were good for me right now, especially the latter.

I silently thanked God, Satan, Tesla, Edisson, Zeus and whatever other deities and scientists I could remember... With my current predicament (taken to another world or dimension altogether) I couldn't rule out their existence...

As I was struggling to remember if I had missed anyone important I noticed something. A magenta light was coming from one of the tunnels to my left.

I immediately shone the light of my phone towards the tunnel. The light's source seemed to stop and...

"H-hello?" My eyes widened as I heard the female voice. "Wh-who's there? I warn you, the Great and Powerful Trixie knows powerful magics t-that will cast you to Tartarus..."

It was clear to me that she was scared... This could be bad, since her claim of being able to send me to Tartarus migt be real... Blossom told me that the unicorns here could cast spells...

And everyone knew that a scared Mage was a deadly Mage...

"There's no need for violence." I called out as I walked to the center of the chamber and turned the flashlght of my phone out before pocketing it. The bearer of the voice let out a surprised squeak and, if the way the light receded in the tunnel, backpedalled a bit.

"Wait!" I called out. "I mean you no harm!" The light stopped.

"T-Trixie doesn't trust you..." She said. "Trixie can't trust a s-stallion..." I couldn't fault the mare. I would've been the same, with the current situation in Equestria...

"Well, you're in luck then." I replied with a smirk. "I'm not a stallion."

"Then... What are you?" The mare (I was ninety-nine percent sure she was a pony) asked.

"That's... A bit complicated..." I had the feeling that if I told her that I was an alien/dimensional traveler it would only make things worse. "Look, what matters right now is that I'm immune to whatever is driving the stallions sex-crazy, and that I'm helpless down here." Not the exact truth, I had my sword and phone so I wasn't that helpless, but still.

I held my breath as I waited for her answer. The silence stretched for so long that I almost felt like she left... Only the fact that the light remained where it was showed me the opposite...

"O-okay..." Her answer came after what seemed like an eternity to me. I siged in relief... "Trixie will come out... But if you try anything funny, Trixie will show you that Trixie isn't called the Great and Powerful for nothing..."

"I promise." I said with a nod. I didn't have any intentions of doing anything to her anyway.

Slowly the mare walked out of the tunnel. As I suspected, this Trixie was a unicorn. Her figure, covered in azure fur was rather curvy, just like Blossom's... So far I had seen only these two mares, but that seemed to be a trend here. Unlike my friend she was clothed in a dark blue dress, with a cloak on her back and a wide-brimmed pointy hat on her head. Her horn was surrounded by a magenta aura and a ball of light in the same color was floating a bit above it.

There was a short moment of silence as we looked at each other. Then her violet eyes widened in what I at first thought was surprise... Her short scream showed that it was fear though.

It took me a second to figure out why she reacted like that before I mentally slapped myself upside the head. Here I was, an unknown being, with his sword drawn and his armor still covered in that spider's remains... I'd be scared at the sight of myself as well.

"Wait!" I called out before she could bolt away. "Don't run! I know that this looks bad, but I mean you no harm! I just had a run-in with a spider..."

Thankfully the mare stopped at my words. I could see her tremble in fear... Slowly she turned around, gulping at my gore-covered sight.

"S-spider?" She asked and I nodded. "One of the b-big ones?"

"Yeah..." I shuddered at the memory of the big-ass spider I had killed. I hoped that was the last time I met any of those things...

The mare's response took me unaware. She almost threw herself at me, and if I was cleaner I think she would've hugged me.

I had to start carrying a towel for these occasions, and maybe... No, bad mind. Surviving first, curvy anthro fantasies later.

"Thank Celestia!" She exclaimed. "Trixie was worried she would fall prey to those monsters! But now Trixie has found a protector..." She continued in that manner for a few minutes as I stood there stunned. Finally she noticed my distress and looked me in the eyes.

"You will protect Trixie, right?" She asked me. I could see the plea in her big violet eyes... And I caved in. I was raised to be chivalrious to the ladies... Plus, I was always a sucker for a pretty face, especially when the girl it belonged to was in need.

"Alright, alright." I sighed. "I was going to do that without you needing to ask anyway... So, Trixie, was it?" I asked, to which she nodded. "I'm Jordan... Pleasure to meet you." I was about to offer her my hand to shake when I rememberd that it was covered in semi-dried spider guts and dropped it down awkwardly.

"Jordan... That's a weird name..." She said and I frowned. Seriously?

"It's a common name in my country." I growled. "From my point of view you ponies have stranger names than mine."

Trixie blinked at that before leaning towards me and taking a look at my face.

"You're not a pony?" She asked confused, at which I rolled my eyes.

"Yes. If you remember the start of the conversation I mentioned that I'm not a stallion." She opened her mouth.

"Human." I interrupted her before she could ask the question. "From another planet... Or dimension, I'm not sure." I intercepted the next one and smirked as she growled to me.

"No, I don't know how I got here." I was fighting a full-blown grin now.

"Will you..." She started, only for me to interrupt her again:

"No... Well, maybe yes. Do you have any water?" I asked. She huffed in indignation before sighing.

"Very well. Trixie supposes that she could help her guard with that." The light from her horn intensified and the ball of light dimmed before a canteen popped into existence next to her. As I stared at the conjuration she floated it to me.

"Well?" She asked after a few seconds. "Aren't you going to accept Trixie's grattitude?"

"Wha-?" I asked confused. My mind was a bit distracted by the magic... Knowing that something like that was possible was one thing, but seeing it for yourself? Totally different.

"Oh, yeah." I took the canteen and eagerly took a few gulps of the water within. The cool liquid felt so good as it went down my parched throat...

"Ah... Thank you." I sighed in relief as I lowered the now considerably emptier canteen and shook my head to remove the droplets that had dripped down from the corners of my mouth.

"You're welcome." She said as I took another gulp from the canteen before handing it back. "Ah... Keep it, Trixie has more water."

I nodded and put it in one of the free pouches on my waist. I noticed that there was some spider goo on it as well... Probably the reason she told me to keep it.

A groan from the mare made me look at her. She was rubbing the base of her horn, her face twisted in a grimace.

"You okay?" I asked concerned.

"The Great and Powerful Trixie has been using her magic for too long... Even she has her limits..." I nodded in understanding. Her Mana or whatever was probably running low from sustaining the spell... Or something like that.

"In that case, allow me to take over for a bit." I said, reaching for my phone.

"What?" She asked. "How are you going to provide light? The Great and Powerful Trixie doesn't see a horn on you, nor does she see a torch..." I sighed. Seriously? Were they so concentrated on magic? And was their technology so low? Blossom told me that they've been at peace for a thousand years... And that their immortal Princesses-slash-Goddesses ruled for hundreds more before that... One would think that they would have advanced at least to our level of technology...

"I'll just use some human ingenuity." I said and lit up the phone's flashlight. Trixie's eyes widened in surprise.

"What is that?" She asked, leaning closer to examine my phone.

"A device with many functions. I'll tell you more, but I think it's better to walk and talk than stand around..."

Trixie agreed with me wholeheartedly and so we were off. Choosing a tunnel was easy. We just picked one at random and set off.

The conversation between us was more or less the same as the one with Blossom earlier. I told her about Earth and my life on it, she told me about Equestria and her life here. It was interesting to see how her life differed from Blossom's. While the normal pony was selling cherries she grew in her yard, the unicorn was a travelling show... Showmare, as she called herself. Doing magic shows like those Vegas stage magicians I really wanted to see one day...

She was really interested about how our Magicians did such tricks without having real magic. I managed to tell her a few tricks I knew from shows I watched on the TV... All in all, the walk was a pleasant experience.

If only she would stop speaking in third person about herself...

"You know..." I started, flashing the light over thr tunnel around us. "I think we went down the wrong tunnel..." In the past hour or so it had gotten smaller, and cobwebs started to appear over the walls...

"T-Trixie a-agrees..." The mare was visibly nervous and was standing close to me... Well, close to my back, to be more precise.

I was nervous as well... I was tense, my right hand gripping my sword tightly while the left was holding my phone.

At least my armor wasn't rattling as I tried to control my shaking...

"Perhaps we should go back..." My voice betrayed my nervousness.

"The Great and Powerful Trixie agrees as well..." Trixie said from behind me. I nodded at her words and looked around.

"Let's go with plan B... Return to the chamber and take another tunnel..." I said, nodding towards the cobwebs.

"T-The one opposite of this one looked better to Trixie anyway... " It was funny how I was thinking the same thing...

"Yeah... Let's go." I said as we both did the smart thing - turned around and fled. Hey, don't blame us, it was cler that the tunnel led to the spiders' lair. And I've played enough RPGs to know what was waiting for us there - the grandmother of all fucking huge spiders.

Unfortunately Fate seemed to have other plans... Plans involving my ass and a lot of spiders trying to bite it, if the sounds coming from the tunnel were any indication.

"Okay, that tunnel just became a bad idea as well." I remarked, turning around for the second time in as many minutes. "Back to plan A." trixie gulped audibly but she nodded as we hurried back down our original path.

"Take over the light." I commanded after a couple of minutes of fast walk-slash-nearly running. It was remarkable how far the sound must be carrying in this tunnel...

"Why? Your torch is doing just fine." She asked.

"Because I want to have my hand free." A two-handed grip would be better... Or at least it would make me feel more confident... Both were good.

I turned the phone's flashlight off as the magenta light of her magic bathed the tunnel.

"Look for a side passage or something." I commanded again as my eyes scanned the web-colored walls. Finding anything would be hard... The light coming from Trixie's conjurd orb wasn't that much and we could pass a tunnel or a crack in the darkness without seeing it... And the spiderwebs, which were becoming increasingly denser, didn't improve things either.

Just as I expected, we didn't find anything before the tunnel ended. My eyes widened as they took in the cavern...

It was big... Huge. Trixie's light could only illuminate our immediate surroundings, but I could see the wall behind us stretch up and around in the darkness...

Of course, that wasn't the only big thing around... No, there were spider webs. Big spider webs that covered every surface. Some of them reflected the light from Trixie's orb while others seemed to glow... No... A better look showed that they were covering patches of mushrooms that glowed with a pale, eerie light.

Convenient...

"Welcome to my parlor, said the spider to the fly." I muttered. Trixie looked at me confused, but I ignored her. "Come on, we should find a way out... And I think it'll be better to stop the light, it's giving away our position."

The mare nodded and silently dismissed the orb. Thankfully the mushrooms provided enough illumination for us to see where we were going.

"Don't touch the spiderwebs." I warned Trixie as we made our way down a relatively clean and rather straight path.

"Why?" She whispered back as I helped her climb some rubble.

"The spiders will feel the vibrations." I explained, hopping down onto the caven's floor before helping the mare down as well. "They'll know we're here and they'll come for us. Plus, I don't know how strong or sticky the web is..." I nodded towards a spiderweb that covered what looked like a side passage between piles of rubble. It looked quite thick and sticky... I was sure that if I touched it then it would stick onto me. Or maybe it was going to be the opposite?

The sound of dozens of chitin-covered legs clicking on stone told us that we've done the right thing by getting away from the entrance. A few seconds later the sound stopped... If I was to guess the spiders had crawled onto the web. Silence descended upon the cavern, the only interruptions being the hiss of spiders in the darkness.

I felt a shiver run down my spine. We could be set upon by spiders at any moment, and we had no way of spotting the attack... I looked at the surrounding spiderwebs that disappeared in the dark. Each of them could be hiding dozens of spiders...

"Come on." I whispered to Trixie. "The sooner we put these spiders behind us the better."

"Trixie agrees with you." She whispered back and we continued walking...

The chasm was deep... The illumination from the mushrooms wasn't enough for us to see much, but I doubted that we would've spotted the bottom even if we used my phone and Trixie's magic.

What we could see, however, was the mass of webs that covered the chasm, as well as the multitude of spiders that were crawling over it... I put my hand on Trixie's mouth as she peeked over the edge, just in time to muffle her scream.

I didn't fault her... I barely restrained myself from screaming myself. I had never seen that many spiders in one place before, and I could have quite happily lived my life without witnessing that sight...

I put a finger in front of my lips, telling Trixie to keep quiet. The mare nodded and I moved my hand away from her mouth before pointing at a bridge that would allow us to cross the chasm safely.

We made our way to it, trying to step as quietly as possible. As we started crossing it I looked around. The glowing mushrooms allowed me to clearly see the tons of spiderwebs that covered every surface of the massive cavern. It was impressive, to say the least and...

And I stumbled as my foot kicked a loose rock. Both me and Trixie watched in horror as it tumbled over the edge.

Time seemed to slow down as it fell in the chasm. Both me and Trixie looked at each other and gulped simultaneously.

"Run!"

Author's Note

Alright ladies and gentlemen, I'm back. As you'll no doubt be happy to read, I decided against rewriting this story, like I'm doing with The Cabal and EAFaW.

I've touched a few things in this chapter, but it's overall the same. The next one is already partially done, though I don't have that much time to write...

Finally, as I wrote in my latest blog post, I'm thinking of making a story with the same self-insert character, but with a bit darker methods. Instead of being Equestria's noble Knight, he'd be the Warlock, master of demonic arts... Or would-be master.