The Upgrade Menace

by Palm Palette

Rating: teen
Tags: Science Fiction, Random, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 11553

A messenger comes from outer space to deliver warning about a looming robotic invasion. Too bad all of the competent people for that job had already been assimilated.

A messenger comes from outer space to deliver warning about a looming robotic invasion. Too bad all of the competent people for that job had already been assimilated.

Published 2014-05-11 18:30:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-11 18:30:03 UTC

Ponies Are Overpowered

Author's Note

Yes, I know the tree is dead, but this story was in progress before the finale aired. Besides, in fanfiction, when things die they tend to wind up in Equestria. That's what happened here. Totally.

Ponies Are Overpowered

Fwoosh. The oak tree library rattled as a noise from outside grew loader into a deafening roar. Twilight held her book tight and hoped the rest wouldn't fall off the shelves. Crunch! The whole tree shook from an impact. Vroo, wob wob wob.

“What was that?” Twilight Sparkle dropped her book on polysyllabic sesquipedalian redundancy and hurried over to poke her head out the nearest window. She gasped and teleported outside just in time to catch a broken tree limb with her magic. Loose leaves fluttered around her and some acorns dropped to the ground. Now that she was outside, she had a clear view of the thing that caused the damage. She set the tree limb down gently. She'd reattach it later; right now, she had to know what that huge metal thing was.

It looked like a cross between a carriage and a petrified bird. It was weird. It was also whirring, like the sound fan blades made as they died down. What was it doing here?

“What is that thing?”

Twilight looked down at Spike. “I don't know, but it's unnatural.” She stepped closer, but jumped back when it hissed and the glass dome on top swung open. Steam roiled out, but nothing else did. After a while, it cleared. Twilight darted her eyes around and noticed numerous other ponies gathering to gawk at the thing. She spotted some familiar faces.

“Applejack! Rarity! Rainbow Dash! Over here.” Twilight waved at them and they waded through the crowd to meet up.

“What the hay is that thing?” Rainbow Dash asked when she flew over.

“I don't know,” Twilight said.

“Ah reckon it's some kind of boat?” Applejack mused.

“A boat?” Rarity scrunched up her face. “But that looks nothing like a boat.”

“Huh, then what does it look like, Rarity?” Applejack asked.

“It's... tacky.”

“Tacky?” Applejack raised an eyebrow.

“It looks so out of place. I mean, it's sleek and all, but that drab gray color scheme just doesn't do it any justice. It doesn't match any of our rural revisionist earth pony architecture and the metallic emphasis clashes with everything.”

Twilight planted a hoof on her face. “Rarity, I'm more worried about what it is and where it came from than its feng shui. That thing knocked a huge branch off my house.”

“Relly, dear? All the way over there?”

“Look, I don't know. It sounded like it flew in or something.”

“That thing can fly?” Rainbow Dash glanced at the object and back at Twilight. “I mean, it's got some sort of crude triangular wings and all, but they don't look like they can move. Nothing can fly like that.”

“Um. I don't mean to be a bother, but I think something's in there.”

Rainbow Dash looked over her shoulder. “Oh, hi, Fluttershy. I didn't see you arrive.”

A pink blur zipped in. “What? Somepony's in there?” Pinkie gasped. “A new friend! I can't wait to meet them. Look at all the ponies already here. This will be the best welcoming party ever!”

“Be careful, Pinkie. It could be dangerous,” Twilight said.

“Aw, you worry too much. I'm sure it's fine.” Pinkie Pie hopped over and placed her hoof against a cylindrical thing hanging under one of the wings. “Ow! Hot, hot, hot!”

“Pinkie!” Applejack bit her tail and pulled her back into the crowd. “Stay away from that thing.”

“Aw, I just wanted to be friendly.” Pinkie held her throbbing hoof up and started sucking on it to ease the pain.

“Grr. Nopony messes with my friends and gets away with it.” Rainbow Dash flew up to the glass bubble. “Hey–”

“Eeeeeeeek!”

Dash recoiled and flew back to the others.

Applejack laughed. “Nice girly scream there, Dash.”

“That wasn't me! That was the thing.”

“Oh no. You scared it.” Fluttershy frowned. “I hope it's okay.”

“You saw it? What did it look like?” Twilight asked.

“I don't know.” Rainbow Dash shook her head. “I couldn't see through the helmet or the clothing.”

The crowd hushed when the creature climbed out of its strange chariot. Overall it was roughly about the same size as a pony, but its body structure more closely resembled a minotaur. After hopping down, it stood to its full height and looked around. It kept its hands by its belt which contained a variety of sleek looking metallic devices.

“Hello? Can we help you?” Twilight asked.

The creature paused as if listening to something that only it could hear. After a moment, it responded. Its voice was feminine and sweet, but also firm and commanding. It enunciated clearly; its voice wasn't garbled, but Twilight couldn't understand her. After she finished speaking, a second voice spoke up. This one was cold and metallic and spoke in a flat monotone. It came from the side of her helmet.

“Greetings. Do not be alarmed. While I bring grave news, I wish you no harm. Please, time is of the essence. I must get my message to as many people of authority as possible. Can you direct me to them?”

“She's talking about you, Twilight.” Applejack nudged her forward.

Reluctantly, Twilight stepped out of the crowd. She saw the other ponies watching her and recomposed herself and held her head up high. She strode forward confidently. “Ahem. I am Princess Twilight Sparkle, and I am a representative of the highest authority in this land. You can deliver your message to me.”

They stood there awkwardly while the creature held her hand to her helmet. She made a noise that sounded like giggling, and followed that with statements in her own language. The monotonic metallic voice spoke when she finished.

“Ha. Ha. Ha. Sorry, but I think my translator garbled your name. It sounded like you'd said, 'Princess Twilight Sparkle.' Now how silly is that?”

“What!? What's so silly about my name?” Twilight stood there huffing while waiting for her message and the creature's response to be translated.

“It's so fru-fru and girly. I doubt a mother would love her child very much to give her kid a name like that.”

“Hey! My mother loves me very much. Of course my name's girly; I'm a girl!” Twilight snorted and narrowed her eyes.

Once again the creature listened to her helmet as it translated Twilight's words, and waved its arms and said something frantically in response. It seemed to stress one of its words, but the subtlety of that inflection was lost in translation. In its dead monotone, her translator replied, “Your name actually is Princess Twilight Sparkle?”

“Yes, and there's nothing wrong with that!” Twilight stomped a hoof.

Rainbow Dash landed next to Twilight. “Yeah. It's an awesome name.”

The creature made a dismissive gesture and Dash didn't wait for the translation before she spoke again. “Yeah? Well let's hear your name then.”

The creature jerked her head back, as if surprised that her body language had been read. She stood tall and spoke with confidence. He translator said, “I'll have you know, my name is Suenonymous Whatchamacallit Gobbledygook.”

Rainbow Dash (and everypony else) burst out laughing. “Suenonymous Whatchamacallit Gobbledygook?” Dash repeated. “Suenonymous Whatchamacallit Gobbledygook.”

“Oh, my sides.” Applejack rolled over. “A name like that makes even Pinkamena sound reasonable.”

“Hey!”

Suenonymous Whatchamacallit Gobbledygook buried her helmet in her gloved hands and shook her head. She muttered something as she did so. Her translator replied, “The translator really garbled my name. Ugh. Just call me Sue.”

It took a while for the laughter to die down, but when it did Twilight took command again. “Okay, Sue, so what is this grave news you wanted to warn us about?”

Sue spoke again. She remained talking for a long time and her translator started speaking over her before she was done. That didn't bother her. “I've come to warn you about a menace that's a threat not just to this world, or even this universe, but to the entire multiverse. They call themselves 'The Upgrade' and they're a race of vile robotic beings who feel the need to replace all sentient biological lifeforms with robot equivalents. They've already conquered seven different dimensions, or 'windows' as they call them. This will be the eighth. Humanity was the third, though we put up a valiant fight. They never did conquer us all. They took our planet, but pockets of resistance still remain. I'm from one such group. We learned about their intention to infest another universe, and, at great risk to ourselves, managed to obtain the dimensional signature so that we could send a messenger, that's me, ahead of the invasion in time to warn the locals.”

“Humanity?” Lyra blinked. “Huh.”

“We're all going to be turned into robots?” Bon Bon moaned, “But I don't want to be a robot.”

Roseluck started to say something, but Twilight cut her off. “Hold on. Nopony panic. Upgrade? Eight windows? Robot ponies?” Twilight pointed a hoof at a sparkling topaz mare. “We already have crystal ponies. What's so bad about robots?”

The crystal pony in question grinned sheepishly and waved a refractive hoof in the air. Her cheeks turned rose-quartzy as she blushed from the attention.

Sue's arms flopped against her sides and she stared at the crystal pony. The words she uttered were full of confusion, but the translation was as dry and flat as ever. “What? How is that thing even alive? I can see right through it, and it's got no internal organs.”

The crystal pony snorted indignantly. Twilight spoke up, “They're just like regular ponies. I was crystal for a few hours so I know this personally. Just because you can see through them doesn't mean you're looking inside them. That would be gross.”

The crystal pony nodded and seemed happy with Twilight's explanation. Sue wasn't. She made some noises and the translator droned them out for her. “But that makes even less sense. How can—nevermind. I can investigate that later. Look, being turned into a robot is bad news. They're not the same being even if they look similar and have the same memories. For one, it's permanent. For another, they become part of the collective robot-mind. That overwrites their personality and makes them an enemy. Lastly, all biological matter gets destroyed in the process. Basically, it kills you.”

“We're all going to die!?” Daisy wailed. The crowd murmured.

“Nopony panic!” Twilight shouted. She addressed the crowd. “I'm sure there's something we can do. She wouldn't bother warning us if there was nothing we could do to fight back, right?”

Sue made a choking noise, and it's probably good that she had her helmet on so they couldn't see her expression. She did speak, but her tone was low and hopeless. The translator sounded cheerful compared to her. “As if. Nothing can stop them. They've already conquered seven windows. We can fight back and slow them them down, but we can't win.”

A freckled pale pegasus pulled at her red and green hair. “Resistance is futile!?” Blossomforth wailed. “Oh, no!”

“Don't panic!” Twilight repeated. A few strands on her mane decided to rebel and curled away independently. “Just because they haven't been stopped in the past doesn't mean that they can't be stopped ever. Maybe we have something they don't.”

“Pfft.” The noise Sue made didn't need translating. She started talking, presumably to explain, but Twilight was discouraged even before the translation kicked in. “As if. You people, ponies, whatever, are decades behind our level of technology. Your lack of radio and television signals meant I had to spend days in orbit manually scanning to build the translation database. No offense, but spears and arrows are about as effective against photon blasters and phase shields as ants are at stopping an avalanche.”

“Oh no, those poor ants.” Fluttershy winced.

“We're going to be crushed!” Lemon Hearts grabbed Carrot Top and the two of them shuddered. “We'll be flattened before we can even do anything!”

“No panicking!” Twilight stomped a hoof. She turned back to face Sue. “Well, we're ponies and not ants. Our weapons might not be up to your standards, but we have hundreds in the guard. We should be able to hold them back with sheer numbers if nothing else.”

Sue laughed. It was fairly obvious she was laughing. Twilight's ears drooped. “Ha. Ha. Ha. The Upgrade, at last estimate, number in the trillions. All of them are combat capable. Even if you have thousands in your army, you'll still be outnumbered billions to one.”

“We'll be overwhelmed. This is hopeless,” Rarity moaned.

“This is not hopeless. Please, stay calm.” Twilight demonstrated how calm she was by rapidly extending and contracting her foreleg and taking several deep breaths. “You have access to better weapons, right? You can teach us how to make and use them before the enemy arrives, right?”

Sue said nothing and pointed at the sky. Twilight and the others turned their heads to follow her arm. In the northern sky was a grayish circular object about a third the size of the moon. It rippled and crackled with red energy and sparked and tore a rift in the sky as it moved. It grew bigger as they watched.

“Is that them?” Twilight asked.

Sue nodded solemnly. She sighed as she spoke. The translator did not copy her defeatist tone. “That ugly thing would be their mothership. Well, 'ship' isn't really a good term for it. It's as large as a small planet. Even our most powerful nuclear weapons cold only ever dent the thing. It's in the process of rifting into this dimension right now, but once it finishes merging they'll send out their army. We've got about another day before the invasion begins.”

“Only a day!?” Lilly wailed. “But I haven't finished weeding my garden yet. I know I'll forget to do that after I've been turned into an evil killer robot.”

“And I've never had the chance to tap-dance upside-down on two irate buffaloes,” Pinkie moaned. “Just think of all the things that we'll miss out on because we've been totally and completely murdered to utter and permanent extinction.”

“Augh!” That wasn't one pony, but rather a general reaction to Pinkie's statement.

“D-don't panic.” Twilight's pupils constricted to points and one of her eyelids started twitching. “You, um, mentioned nuclear weapons. Those sounded powerful. Could they help?”

Sue shrugged. She continued talking in her defeatist tone. The translation was less cold. “Sure, maybe. Nuclear weapons were humanity's biggest offense, and they did slow the Upgrade down. Each bomb can level an entire city in an instant and the radioactive fallout renders the place unlivable for thousands of years. But in the Upgrade process, I did mention that they steal memories. So when they assimilated us, they got our technology too, including the bomb. Our bad. Actually, now that you mention it, if you manage to mount an effective enough defense and hold the Upgrade back, they'll respond by nuking the surface of your planet and scouring it clean of all life. That's about the best outcome you could hope for, really.”

“No!” Fluttershy squeaked. “Not all of the animals too.”

Sue turned towards Fluttershy. She shrugged and mumbled and the translator reveled her message. “Eh. They only target planets with sentient life, but while they're there they roboticize the plants and animals too, mainly because they can.”

“No!” Fluttershy winced.

“Not the apple trees!” Applejack wailed. “Anything but the apple trees!”

“Um, Twilight, are you okay?” Spike asked.

Twilight looked terrible. Her eyelids twitched asynchronously and her lips peeled back to bare her clenched teeth. “I've changed my mind.” Twilight spread her wings and raised her forelegs in the air. “EVERYPONY PANIC!”

Sue frantically waved her arms and said something, but by the time her translator had droned out, “Don't panic,” it was too late. A wave of unease rippled through the crowd and left visible signs of its passage. Neat and trim hairstyles suddenly became untidy with loose, frayed ends curling away on their own. Wide and hopeful eyes constricted to points with eyelids twitching around them. The hushed silence turned into giddy laughter and heavy breathing.

Sue glanced around nervously. She whimpered as she suddenly realized that she was surrounded on all sides by hundreds of pounds of pure equine insanity. She pressed her back against ship. Trapped, she grabbed a two-pronged device from her belt and uttered a warning. “Stay back. I have a taser.” Her hand wavered. Interestingly and thankfully, none of the ponies panicked towards her, but the chaos they wrought was a sight to behold.

Twilight may have sown the seeds, but it really began when Roseluck reared up. She held her hooves to her cheeks and screamed,“We're all going to be Upgraded!”

“To Windows Eight!” Daisy wailed.

“The horror! The horror!” Lilly Valley fainted away right there in the middle of the street.

The other ponies screamed in horror and stampeded away from the scene. They kicked up a huge cloud of dust which partially obscured the collapsing buildings. Clouds in the sky turned black and thundered. Hundreds of rabbits poured forth into the streets, coaxed on by a deranged yellow pegasus.

“Go forth, my pretties. Devour all that lies before you and leave nothing for the Upgrade. Nothing! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!” Lightning flashed around her as she cackled with insane laughter.

Amidst the confusion, Spike tried to grab ponies' legs and get their attention but they kicked him off and he got nowhere. “Wait! Stop!” He might as well have been yelling at paint in an effort to get it to stop drying. It probably would have worked better too. Spike grabbed a lavender leg and the resulting buck sent him rolling end-over-end. He flopped to a rest on the ground next to Sue. “Ow,” he moaned.

“What are you?” Sue's translator asked.

Spike ignored the human and focused on the rapidly deteriorating situation. He winced as he got pelted with hail. “I was hoping I wouldn't have to do this, but it looks like it's up to me to fix everything.” Spike got up and sidestepped the hail from the rather small storm cloud. He pulled out a scroll that he'd been writing on and added a few last words. “It's a good thing I'd already been taking notes. Whelp. Here goes.” He took a deep breath and vaporized it in a gout of green fire. He brushed his hands and sighed. “I hope she's not busy right now.”

The human asked a lot more questions and Spike answered none of them. He narrowed his eyes and snorted. “This is all your fault.”

The panicking ponies panicked. Destruction roiled through the streets. The chaos ebbed and flowed and pulsed with a life of its own. There was a rhythm to it. This was partially due to the fact that ponies naturally tended to herd together, but mostly due to the fact that they were being led in song and dance by a certain pink panic pony.

“When there's a looming menace and you cannot hope to win,

Don't be afraid to panic and smash your violin.

Don't be afraid to panic and take a swig of gin.

Don't be afraid to panic and hide in a garbage bin.

“Panic. Panic. Panic. Bring this whole town down.

Panic. Panic. Panic. Paint with dust that's brown.

“We might be dead tomorrow, but there's yet one thing to do:

Go ahead and panic and sniff that pint of glue.

Go ahead and panic and eat your old horseshoe.

Go ahead and panic and get that moth tattoo.

“Panic. Panic. Panic. The world will turn to dust.

Panic. Panic. Panic. There'll nothing left but rust.

“We'll all be assimilated; the pain will burn like fire.

Panic while you're still alive and tip-hoof on a wire.

Panic while you're still alive and spin that silly tire.

Panic while you're still alive; confess your deep desire.”

“I really like apples. No, I mean, I really, really like apples.”

“Panic. Panic. Panic. Charred and broken earth.

Panic. Panic. Panic. Of us there'll be a dearth.

“We can't fight back. We must give in. All hope is really gone.

So why not truly panic and stay up for one last dawn?

So why not truly panic and–”

The shadows shifted and Pinkie's words died on her lips. Everypony stopped what they were doing and turned to look at the sky.

The sun deviated from its course and swung north several degrees. There was a brief flash as it collided with the planet of the Upgrade, much like a bug zapper striking an insect. The sun remained there and expelled a flare. The shadows shifted again, and it returned to its original place in the sky. The offending object—was gone.

Spike belched.

He snatched the scroll that appeared and read it aloud, “Thanks for the warning, Spike. I've taken care of it. Signed, Princess Celestia.” He beamed.

The silence was only broken by the squeaking of an axle. Twilight blushed and pressed her hoof against the wheel of an overturned cart that she'd been spinning to silence it. Spike rolled his eyes.

Now that there was nothing to panic about, many other ponies also frowned or grinned sheepishly and glanced around at the destruction. They blushed at their general foolishness. Sea Swirl climbed out of the dumpster and shook garbage off her mane. “Ugh, I smell like last week's lunch. Why did I think climbing in there was a good idea?”

Shoeshine gave up fiddling with a piece of rusty metal stuck in her teeth. She'd already ruined five toothpicks. “This isn't working. Colgate, can you help, please? I need brushies.”

“What? Of course, dear. Um...” The blue unicorn clung to a wire strung high between two buildings that managed to survive the chaos. “...as soon I figure out how to get down from here.”

“Hold on. I've got you—ack!” Rainbow Dash winced as lightning flashed and she got pelted with chunks of ice. “Hail!? What was I thinking?” Dash gave the offending storm cloud a swift kick before grabbing Colgate and carrying her to the ground.

“ 'Everypony panic?' ” Applejack quoted. “Really, Twilight? Really?”

“That was not one of my better moments.” Twilight moaned as she looked at all of the damage. “And we just fixed this place up after that disaster last week too.”

“And you–” Applejack pointed a hoof at Rarity. “–What was that thing about 'I really love apples?' That's kind of my thing.”

“Uh, well, that is, you see...” Rarity blushed furiously and pointed at a pile of clothing behind her to quickly change the subject. “Now that the threat is gone, what am I going to do with all of these?”

“What are they?” Twilight asked.

Rarity lifted one up with her magic. It was a t-shirt that read, "The Upgrade will assimilate you, so why not buy this lousy t-shirt before they do?"

“Burn them,” Applejack said. “Preferably in a funeral pyre.”

“Ooh,” Rarity moaned, “but I panicked so hard on those.”

Fluttershy was off to the side herding away bunnies. “It's okay, there's nothing to be afraid of. Now move along and you can be back in the forest in no time.”

“Uh, Fluttershy?” Applejack asked. “What was up with the maniacal laughter and the bunny stampede?”

Fluttershy blushed. “Uh, well, I panicked. I-it was just bunnies, though. And, um, besides, they' didn't even eat everything.”

“She's right.” Lilly sighed and pointed at some ugly plants. “They left all the weeds. I guess I'll still have some gardening left to do after all.”

Rainbow Dash flew in. She was a little singed from breaking up all of the storm clouds that she'd created. “Bah. I'm never going to panic like that ever again.”

“So why did ya panic like that in the first place?” Applejack asked.

Dash snorted and walked up to get in Applejack's face. “And who are you to criticize how we chose to panic?”

“Yeah!” Pinkie Pie hopped in and pointed at a pile of rubble. “I mean, at least we weren't knocking down buildings.”

“Eh-heh.” Applejack cringed. Several irate ponies whose property she'd destroyed glared at her. “Whoops.”

Sue make several loud noises, none of which her translator repeated. That didn't stop Fluttershy from chiding her, though.

“Oh, my.” Fluttershy finished coaxing her bunnies away and flew over to hush Sue. “S-such strong language. P-please don't swear like that. Foals could be listening. If, um, you don't mind.”

Sue said something. It sounded like a question.

“Yes, I can understand you,” Fluttershy replied. “I mean, it usually takes me a while to learn the language of a new creature, but I already know the one you're using.”

Sue asked another question.

“It's Spanish. Um, well, these days it's more correct to call it Chupacabran, though. Actually, if you switch to English you wouldn't even need a translator at all.”

“What!?” Sue tore off her helmet and tossed it on the ground. Her dark skin and short, fuzz of black hair contrasted sharply with her light gray flight suit. “You can understand me!?”

“Uh, yes?” Twilight replied. “And it's really archaic to call it 'English.' It's Equestrian now.”

“What the fuck!” Sue fell on her knees and held her head in her hands.

“La-language!” Fluttershy winced.

“What the fuck!” Sue repeated. “All this time—how the hell did I not notice that!? I can't believe I wasted several days building a translation database. Ugh!”

Fluttershy wasn't the only pony offended by her crude language. Numerous welcome mats were picked up, but after Applejack's panicked rampage there was a remarkable lack of doors to slam, or door frames to slam them in, or walls; buildings aren't really buildings without walls. Climbing on top of a pile of rubble and getting one's hoof stuck didn't have the same dramatic flair to it as dashing inside one's still-intact house and slamming the still-intact front door. The ponies milled about holding the doormats in their mouths and looked foolish.

“Um, shouldn't you be happy?” Twilight asked.

“Yeab.” Pinkie hopped over. She spat out a straw mat with a picture of a cake on it. “All of those icky robot things are gone forever now. You won't have to worry about them ever again.”

Sue looked up at the empty sky and giggled crazily. “It's a trick. It has to be a trick. Stars don't just randomly change course and fly across the sky all on their own—especially not that one!”

“Of course not.” Twilight snorted. “Luna moves the moon and the stars at night and Celestia moves the sun. That's not random at all.”

“But that makes no sense! Do you have any idea just how big and heavy the sun is?” Sue's hair wasn't long enough to pull on so she waved her arms around in the general direction of the sky.

“Well...” Twilight scuffed a hoof on the ground. “It's about seven hundred thousand kilometers across, and it's so heavy that an object dropped into it would accelerate to over six hundred kilometers per second before impact just from the force of gravity alone.”

Several eyebrows raised in her general direction.

“What? I did the math.”

“So you know just how ridiculous moving that thing is. It's like a million miles away. How would you even do that?”

“More like ninety million,” Twilight corrected, “and magic, duh.”

“Magic?” Sue contorted her face into a scowl and raised an eyebrow. “Now I know you're pulling my leg. Why are you hiding what's really going on out there?”

“We're not hiding anything.”

“My arse you aren't!” Sue slapped her hip and pointed at her discarded helmet on the ground. “I'm going to contact my superiors in the dimension I came from and expose your lies. The Upgrade exist simultaneously in all the dimensions they've invaded so my buddies at high command will know the real scoop about what's going on.”

Sue cleared her throat and asked her helmet to make the call. It responded by asking for a password and once that was cleared it made beeping noises and went silent. “It takes a while to place a call across dimensions. It could be faster, but we can't use full power because the Upgrade would trace the call back to us,” Sue explained. The silence dragged on and eyes shifted uncomfortably. “Assuming they haven't already been assimilated, that is.”

The helmet crackled with static for a few seconds before the signal came into focus. “Suenaña? Is that you? You will not believe what just happened! The World Server—it was in the middle of rifting and it spontaneously exploded! There was a huge fireball and it was gone, yes, gone. All of the other stations are reporting the same thing so it wasn't just us. We've switched to the offensive and the Upgrade aren't even fighting back. They can't function without the control signals from their homeworld. We're mopping them up. It's over, Sue. It's finally over. I don't know how it happened, but this nightmare is finally over.”

Sue's eyes opened wide and her jaw dropped. It took a while for her to respond. “Bob! I saw it happen but I didn't believe it at first. I-I'm still not sure what exactly happened. Things were going crazy, all of the locals were panicking, a-and then they smacked it with their sun. I—I... End call.” Her helmet clicked. Tears ran down her cheeks and she slumped against the side of her ship. “I can't believe it's actually over.”

“There, there.” Fluttershy flew over and touched her on the shoulder.

“Eeeek!” Sue's eyes went wild and she jumped. The only thing that stopped her from tasering Fluttershy was the fact that she banged her head against the side of her ship and dropped it. “Ow.”

“Ack! S-sorry. Sorry.” Fluttershy recoiled and flew away to tremble behind Twilight's hindquarters. Twilight looked annoyed.

Sue stood rigid and breathed heavily. She forced her breathing to slow, and reached down to collect her weapon. She talked, but her voice was soft and it was mostly to herself. “It's okay. Nothing's going to happen. We're not on the battlefield anymore. These creatures don't want to hurt you and let's just stay calm and keep it that way.” She put the taser back in her belt and took another deep breath. Her hands trembled and she suddenly tore her belt off and tossed the whole thing back into the cockpit of her ship.

“Are you okay?” Twilight asked.

“Y-yes.” Sue rubbed at the back of her head. Twilight narrowed her eyes and frowned. “It's nothing that you need to worry about, anyway.”

Twilight shifted her feet and glanced past Fluttershy at the ruins of Ponyville. “So... we should probably clean that up.”

The crowd moaned. They were annoyed that gawking time was over, and also annoyed at having to put Ponyville back together... yet again.

Twilight frowned and held her head up. “Look, everypony, I'm really sorry that I told you all to panic. I think we can agree that it was an awful idea and that we shouldn't do that ever again.” She got nods of agreement from the crowd. “Rarity, gather the other unicorns and start sorting the rubble. I'll join you when I'm done passing out assignments. Mr. Breezy, uh, sorry about your shop. We'll get it fixed. You and Noteworthy are in charge of bringing in any extra lumber we might need...”

While Twilight passed out assignments, Applejack broke away from the crowd. Normally, she'd help in the cleanup and rebuilding, but from the glares she was getting she decided to sit this one out. With nothing better to do, Applejack wandered over to Sue. “Uh, hey there.”

“Yes?” Sue stood there; she stared blankly at the ponies while they organized.

Applejack approached her but kept a respectable distance. “Ah guess we haven't been properly introduced. I'm Applejack. I'd offer you some good 'ol Apple hospitality, but, uh...”

Sue wasn't really paying attention, not to Applejack, anyway. She glanced back and forth between the apple pony and the other ponies working in the streets. “This... is all so surreal. It's like I'm watching a dream.”

“Uh...”

“Please don't pinch me. I... I kinda like this.”

“Y'all are weird.”

“Not as weird as little colorful talking horse things!” Sue's outburst got the attention of too many ponies. They'd all been looking at her before, but this time she didn't want the attention. She grinned sheepishly and the ponies shook their heads and got back to what they were doing.

Applejack shrunk away from a group that was hauling in fresh straw to thatch for roofing. She bumped up against the side of Sue's ship. “So, uh, what is this thing?”

“My lander? It's nothing much. Well, I suppose any spaceship would be a big deal here, but all it's built for is dimensional shifting and planetary penetration. I can't use the rift engine in an atmosphere so unless you can toss this thing into outer space I'm going to be stuck here.”

“Wait, you're stuck here?” Twilight passed off her clipboard to Spike and trotted over. She narrowed her eyes and stared at the house-sized vehicle. “Hmm...”

“You're not actually thinking of tossing it into space are you?”

“Maybe.” Twilight's horn flared and a magenta aura wrapped around the spaceship. She grunted and sweat formed on her brow. The vehicle floated off the ground.

“What the fuck!” Sue exclaimed.

Twilight glared at her as she set the spaceship back down and canceled her magic.

Applejack got close to Sue and stared up at her eyes. “Look, we know you're not from around here, but we'd kindly appreciate it y'all don't swear around these parts. It's not really tolerated and you're setting a bad example.”

“Sorry.” Sue took a deep breath. “Okay, they can move the sun, so I guess a small ship like mine wouldn't be a problem at all. They can toss it into space without even breaking a sweat.”

“Actually...” Twilight wiped the sweat from her brow. “I did break a sweat, and it's way too heavy for me to toss all the way up into space. I doubt I could even get it to the other side of Ponyville.”

“Oh.” Sue looked crestfallen, but she perked up. “Say, what about that one that moved the sun? Why don't you ask, um...”

“Her name's Celestia, and she doesn't just move the sun; she also rules all of Equestria.” Twilight turned her back to look at Ponyville. Rarity was working with Sea Swirl and Sparkler to transform the ruins of a cottage into neatly stacked piles of boards, bricks, tiles and other building materials. Spike ran over to an idle group of earth ponies and waved the clipboard at them. They moved in to start rebuilding when Rarity and the others left to work on a different pile of rubble. Overall, they were making good progress, but it'd days before they finished. “She, ah, doesn't really need to see all this. Eh-heh. She's, um, too busy, yeah, too busy for that.”

“What? Is she your mother or something? Wait—ruling monarch—you're a princess—ah! Queen Lestia really is your mother, isn't she?” Sue's question had an accusing tone to it.

“What, no! Celestia's not my mother! Sure, she tutored me in magic, and made me a princess, and technically she's my step-aunt, but she's not my mother. I mean, I've met my mother and she's a completely different pony so–”

“Bwa-ha-ha.” Applejack laughed and pounded a hoof on the ground. “ 'I've met my mother and she's a completely different pony?' Twilight, that has to be one of the silliest things that Ah've ever heard ya say. Who the hay hasn't met their mother?”

“Uh...” Twilight's cheeks flushed.

Applejack walked out into the street. “Hey, everypony! Show of hooves for everypony who hasn't meet their mother!”

Numerous ponies gave her odd looks, but the only one who raised a limb was Spike. “I haven't.” His voice dripped with sarcasm. “Thank you oh so much for reminding me of that. I'm so much happier now.”

This earned Applejack a glare from Twilight. Rarity dropped what she was doing and wiped the sweat from her brow before she walked over and wrapped said sweaty hoof protectively around Spike. “Applejack, what are you doing? Can't you see that you're upsetting poor little Spikey-wikey?”

“Sorry, Spike.”

Normally, Spike would be more receptive to Rarity's attention, but after a solid whiff of her aroma, he squirmed out of her sweaty grip. He picked up the clipboard and ran over to Twilight. “Say, Twilight, I saw you lift that thing earlier. Some ponies have complained, and it'd be a lot easier to bring supplies in if that street wasn't blocked.”

“Well, we were just talking about getting it into space.”

“But you said you couldn't do that,” Sue said.

“What? No. I said it was too heavy for basic levitation, that's all. I'm sure there's some other way I can get it into space, I just have to think about it.” Twilight narrowed her eyes and rubbed her chin. “Aha!” She vanished in a flash of magenta light.

“Ack! She just—poof! Gone.” Sue ran forward and pointed her arms at the spot where Twilight vanished. She glanced around at the indifferent ponies. “How can you not be upset!?”

“Upset? Why would we be upset?” Applejack asked.

“She spontaneously vaporized! There's nothing left of her,” Sue explained.

“What? But she does that all the time,” Spike said.

“Huh?” Sue scrunched up her face in confusion. “What, is she made of unstable matter or something?”

“Huh?” Spike responded, equally confused. “No! Well, maybe. Sometimes it seems that way.”

There was another flash of magenta light and Twilight reappeared next to them. She was encased in a shield-bubble. Her eyes were red and swollen and she gasped for air and started breathing heavily.

“Twilight! Are you all right?” Spike fan forward and bounced off her shield. “Ow.”

Twilight shook herself and canceled her shield in the process. “I'm never ever going to do that again.” She clenched her eyes shut and lifted her head to wail, “Space sucks!”

“D-did you just—without a spacesuit? But, how? How could you even survive that?”

Twilight ignored Sue's ramblings and focused on the arduous task of not falling over. “Okay, so no levitation, and teleportation is definitely out of the question. I'll have to think of something else.” Twilight took one step, and fell over. “No fair. The ground lept at my face.”

“Uh, Twilight? Shouldn't we take ya to the hospital?” Applejack asked.

“And which pile of rubble would that be?” Twilight spat out dirt and glared at Applejack.

“I didn't knock over the hospital.”

“Oh? I bet you were having too much fun knocking over the orphanage to get to that one.”

“Ah didn't knock that over either; we don't even have one one those!”

“Because you knocked it over!”

“I did not!”

“Did too!”

“Did too infinity!” Pinkie Pie jumped up between them in an explosion of confetti.

“Ack! Pinkie Pie, where did you come from?” Twilight asked.

“My mother.” Pinkie grinned.

Applejack snerked and started giggling.

Even Twilight couldn't help but laugh. “Only you could make a 'mother' joke that's actually funny, Pinkie.” Twilight wobbled and nearly fell over again. “Ugh. I'm going to sit down for a while. Give me a few minutes for my ears to stop ringing and I'll get back to working on that space spell.”

Spike nodded. “You can sit down as long as you want. Do you want a glass of water?” She nodded and Spike ran off to fetch it.

“Say, while we're waiting for Twilight to recover, perhaps you'd like a bit of a souvenir to take back with you?” Rarity asked.

Sue looked down at her. “Uh, well, I'm not really supposed to. Hmm, though I'm already going to be stuck in quarantine for a month since I took my helmet off. I guess an item or two wouldn't hurt. Nothing living, though. That's forbidden.”

“You don't have to worry about that, darling. I have just the thing in mind.” Rarity lifted up an awful t-shirt for her to look at. “Are you interested in one of these?”

“I thought you were going to burn those,” Applejack said.

“It would be unseemly of me to start fires while Ponyville's in such a state of disrepair. I wouldn't want to make a scene. Besides, they're not that bad, are they?”

Sue cringed while looking at the awful thing. “Ugh. Yeah, they kinda are.”

“Aw.” Rarity's ears drooped. “Well I guess there's no hope for them, then. Off to the dumpster I go.”

“Wait; don't do that. Actually” –Sue grinned and rubbed her hands together– “I'll take the whole lot.”

“What? But I thought you said you didn't like them. I don't want you feel obligated to take my garbage just to make me feel better.”

“What? No, they're not for me, but they'll make perfect gifts for my buddies back in high command. It'll be my way of saying 'thanks' for sending me off on this supposedly one-way mission.”

“I—I'm not sure how I should feel about that.”

“It sounds perfectly legit to me,” Rainbow Dash said, and hopped down from a storm cloud she'd been cobbling together to refill water barrels. “Could you imagine being given something like that and feeling the need to feign appreciation for it? It's a great prank!”

“Well, okay. But I would like to give her something nicer too.” Rarity levitated the bundle of clothing into the cockpit as instructed. When finished, she asked Sue, “Say, why don't I do something about your wardrobe? I don't mean to complain, but that gray suit you're wearing really clashes with your skin tone.”

“Ugh, don't remind me.” Sue sighed. “Everyone in high command wears this and it was clearly designed for people with fair skin.”

“That is the problem with uniforms. Ponies have so many different colors that it's hard to make uniforms that work well without resorting to dying the fur, but I guess you don't have fur, do you? Why don't you take that ugly thing off so I can take your measurements for something nicer?”

“What? I can't take my suit off!”

“Whyever not, dear?”

“Because then I'd be naked.”

Every pony was naked.

“What's so bad about being naked?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Well, all of my girl parts would be on display.”

“Wait, you have parts that aren't girl parts?” Pinkie asked.

“Um, well, I guess that–”

“Because all of my parts are girl parts.” Pinkie giggled. “Because I'm a girl, and all of them are on display.”

“Even your liver?” Sue asked.

“What?” Pinkie stopped bouncing and looked down at her tummy. “No.”

“Well if it's part of you, and it's not on display, then all of your girl parts can't be on display, can they?”

“She's got you there,” Rainbow Dash said.

“It doesn't count. It's an internal organ. It's not supposed to be on display!”

“Eew.” Rarity stuck out her tongue. “How did we go from clothes to talking about livers? That's so gross. Can we please talk about something else?”

“Y'all were telling us about what was so bad about havin' yer girl parts on display,” Applejack prompted.

“Ah, well,” –Sue blushed– “the thing is, we're so used to having clothes that taking them off draws attention to the parts we keep covered, so we only uncover them for a reason. Basically, nudity is body language asking for sex.”

Twilight, who'd finally gotten that glass of water, spat it all over Spike. He deadpanned.

“Augh!” Applejack... sat down.

“S-sex!?” Rainbow Dash blushed and she darted her eyes around wildly. Every pony she spotted make her blush deepen.

Pinkie Pie was giggling, but she sounded more maniacal than happy. She also blushed heavily.

“Oh sweet Celestia, we're all naked!” Rarity wailed.

Daisy spat out her rake. “Does anypony have a tablecloth or bedsheet or something? I–I Need to cover up and I can't even hide inside because my house was ruined.”

Rose frowned. Her eyes constricted and darted around. “No! My house is gone too, and I just finished filling all of these barrels with rusty nails.”

“These weeds aren't big enough, and they keep sliding off my rump.” Other ponies looked at Lilly, who blushed in response.

“I'm okay with this,” Caramel said. He smiled.

That was the last straw and ponies started screaming. They kicked up clouds of dust as they ran and–

“Stop! Stop! STOP!” Twilight groaned and rubbed her head with a wing. “We literally just did this already. We even agreed that panicking was an awful idea, so stop it! If you're feeling exposed, lower your tail.” Twilight demonstrated by putting hers down. “See? That's all there is to it.”

There was much embarrassment all around. The ponies stood there foolishly before hanging their heads and returning to work. The only difference from before was the subtle but strangely noticeable sound of many tails dragging on the ground.

Twilight rubbed her head again and fell over.

“Wait, poor balance, ringing ears, and a headache?” Rainbow Dash frowned. “I think I know what's bothering her. I should talk to her.” Despite what Dash said, she didn't move. Well, she spread her wings but blushed furiously instead of taking off.

“If you can help her, then do it,” Pinkie said. “Don't worry about the nudity thing. It'll probably be forgotten by the end of the day anyway.”

“I'm not so sure about that, Pinkie,” Rarity said. “I have a feeling I'm going to be selling a lot more dresses than usual. I'd best get back to putting the boutique back together. The sooner I can get back in business, the happier everypony will be.”

“Oh. Well...” Pinkie shot a sidelong look at Rainbow Dash. “You can walk too, you know.”

“R-right. Of course.” Dash dragged her tail over to Twilight.

Pinkie sighed. “All that tail dragging sure sounds mopey. Whelp. I better bounce into town and cheer ponies up!”

Pinkie Pie bounced away in a manner that didn't expose all of her girl parts. She carefully kept her liver hidden.

Applejack glanced at Sue. “Well, it's just us again.”

“I guess I can forget about that new wardrobe,” Sue said.

“Ya think?”

The two of them stared at each other while at the same time trying not to look like they were staring at each other. They both wanted to gawk, but neither wanted to be caught gawking. It was awkward.

“So, uh... robots, huh?” Applejack asked.

Sue tensed up. “Horrible, horrible things. I don't want to talk about it.”

“Oh, sorry.” Applejack glanced aside without really glancing aside. She was staring.

“So what's your deal?” Sue asked.

“My deal?”

“Yes, I know this might sound rude, but some of you have those weird head bones that glow–”

“Head. Bones.” Applejack deadpanned.

“You know what I mean! Others have wings, and that purple one I was talking to earlier had both–”

“Twilight's more lavender than purple, and you can use her name, ya know. Is there a point yer tryin' to make?”

“I'm not good with names, okay? I'd even forget my own mother if I could remember who she was.” Sue sighed. “What I'm trying to say is that you have neither of those things and you're the one that was knocking over buildings. Care to explain that?”

Applejack snorted. “Look, Ah wasn't thinking clearly, okay? I'd rather not talk about it.”

Sue face-palmed. “That's not what I was getting at, at all.”

Applejack narrowed her eyed and lowered her ears. “Ah said I'd rather not talk about it.”

Sue frowned, then giggled. “You know, you're really cute when angry.”

Applejack nearly jumped in shock.“What?”

Sue inched closer. “Actually, you're really cute regardless, and you look so fuzzy...”

Applejack looked up at Sue looming over her. “I'm not sure Ah like where this is going.”

“Can I... pet you?” It wasn't a question. Her hands shot out before Applejack could respond. Applejack winced, but Sue was gentle. All she did was knock off the hat and run a hand through her mane.

“I'd really prefer if ya didn't do that,” Applejack said.

Sue grinned and her mouth curled up to one side. It was an evil grin. She took her gloves off and ran her hands through Applejack's hair again. “It's not as coarse as it looks. Actually, it's kind of silky.”

“Uh, thanks? But please don't pull on it. Actually, remove your hands altogether.”

“Aww, but it's so nice.” Sue twirled Applejack's hair around her fingers.

Applejack blushed despite herself. “Ah mean it. I-if ya'll won't take yer hands off my hair, Ah'll have to do something drastic.”

“Oh, well, okay then.” Sue withdrew her hands, but a snug look appeared on her face. Applejack gulped. “I'll just put them somewhere else!” With that, Sue tackled Applejack and threw her arms around her neck. “Snuggly~”

“Augh! Ah'm not snuggly.” Applejack squirmed but Sue tightened her grip and wouldn't let go. “Fluttershy, help!”

“M-me?” a nearby bush squeaked.

“Yes, you. She's squeezing me, and Ah'm not a squeaky toy. Just do something, anything help!”

“W-well, okay.” Fluttershy kind of slithered out of the bush. She hesitantly approached Sue with her body crouched low to the ground. Sue stuck her tongue out. Fluttershy paused.

“Fluttershy.” Applejack grated her teeth.

Fluttershy looked Sue up and down. She stepped closer and timidly raised a hoof. “Uh, well, these things really like it when you rub their tummies.”

“What?” Sue was too wrapped around Applejack to defend herself and started laughing when Fluttershy got her hooves on her. “Hey, stop that. It tickles.”

“Aw, you feel so tense. Let me rub some of that out of you.” Fluttershy rubbed harder.

“No, stop! He-hee. I like my tension. Ha ha-ha ha.” Sue released her grip so she could fight back. She didn't do so well. Fluttershy was stronger than she looked.

As soon as she could, Applejack squirmed free and ran out into the street. “Hey, everpony, check it out; she really likes it when ya rub her belly!”

Numerous heads tuned as ponies dropped what they were doing to see what was going on. Carrot Top grinned. “I have got to try that out!”

Applejack stepped aside as she ran past, and other ponies followed.

Sue had finally gotten a good grip on Fluttershy's forelegs and held her at bay, but as soon as she pushed Fluttershy off, three more hooves of different colors all reached in to tickle her. Sue managed to grab an orange hoof and a tan hoof but a cream hoof caused her to guffaw and undermined her efforts. “S-stop, Bwa-haha. P-please.” Given how happy and excited the ponies looked, her request was futile.

Twilight walked back towards the scene with Rainbow Dash nearby to help steady her when she faltered. “Thanks, Dash, I had no idea I could pop my ears like that. The ringing and my headache have subsided but I'm still a little unsteady.”

“No problem, Twi. I figured since you haven't been part pegasus for very long you might not be aware of all the other changes aside from the wings yet. We're pretty resistant to the low pressure at high altitudes but I can't believe you actually went all the way into outer space. That's so extreme.”

“Well, to be honest, I didn't expect to make it that far on the first attempt. Um...” Twilight's voice trailed off when she heard the laughing and the giggling. She looked up with wide eyes at the long line that was forming. “What is going on over there?”

“H-haha-help!” Sue yelled. She spotted Twilight. “You, the bone-headed winged one, they listen to you. Do something, anything, help!”

“Boneheaded!?” Twilight snorted. “Oh, I'll do something all right.” Twilight cleared her throat and raised her voice. “Everypony, listen up!” She pointed a hoof a Sue who was gasping for breath after the ponies stopped touching her. “Humans are also ticklish under their armpits and on the soles of their feet.”

“What!? No! Don't tell them that!” Sue struggled to get up but the ponies piled on top of her with renewed enthusiasm. Her boots were torn off and she wound up laughing so hard that she could no longer form coherent sentences. Twilight smiled.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop it! Everypony stop!” A tan earth pony yelled at the the top of her lungs.

“Mayor!” somepony said.

“Right now!” The mayor put her hoof down and snorted. “The human petting zoo is officially closed.”

“But I didn't get a turn yet,” Lyra whined.

The mayor glared at her. “No.”

Lyra's ears drooped.

Sue caught her breath enough to say, “Thanks, mayor.”

Mayor Mare sighed. “Twilight, I'm surprised at you. Normally you're more reasonable than this.”

“But she called me a bonehead!”

“And you acted like one.”

“Oh.” Twilight hung her head. “Sorry, Sue.”

“I guess I should apologize too. I'm the one who started it, after all.” Sue looked around for Applejack. “Sorry, Jack Daniels.”

“What!?” Applejack's eyes popped open. She snorted. “Bah, close enough. Just don't do it again, okay?”

Sue nodded, “Okay.”

Lessons learned, the crowd of ponies started to disperse. With a little additional encouragement from the mayor and Twilight they all dragged their tails and went back to reconstructing Ponyville.

Mayor Mare waited until most of the other ponies were out of earshot. “Twilight, do you mind if I ask you something?”

“Sure, what is it?”

The mayor fidgeted with a wide bowtie that she wore around her neck. She pulled the fabric down and revealed a white splotch that suspiciously looked like a moth. “I, um, got a little too caught up panicking and made a bad decision. Do you happen to have a spell for removing tattoos?”

Twilight nodded. “I don't have that spell memorized but there should be a book with a spell like that in the library. Find Spike and he can look it up. I'll meet you there after I've found a way to get our human guest back home.”

“Thanks, Twilight,” the mayor said and wandered off to find Spike.

Fluttershy spoke up, “Um, I have a question too, if you don't mind, that is.”

“Yes, Fluttershy?”

“How did you know where else humans were ticklish?”

“Oh.” Twilight took a deep breath. “I knew that because I was human for a few days. I turned into one when I visited Canterlot High School. That's, um, in a different human dimension than the one Sue's from.”

“What!? You've been to other dimensions!?” Sue exploded.

“Quiet! Hush, please.” Twilight waved her forelegs in a 'cease' motion. “I can't really talk about it because most of that trip was classified. I have to stay mum about it for reasons of national security.”

Sue rolled her eyes. “You're not doing a good job keeping quiet, though I guess it's not really my business anyway.”

“It's not,” Twilight said, flatly.

“So if you were human, and you were crystal, and you only got your wings recently, just how many different things have you been?”

“Uh, well, I guess there's nothing wrong with answering that question. It all started when I was born. You see... when I was born... I was... a baby.”

Sue facepalmed. “I think we can skip your childhood.”

Twilight giggled. “Right. So I was born a unicorn. If you don't count growing up, I didn't experience my first transformation until I moved to Ponyville. I met a cockatrice and got turned into a rock.”

“A rock?”

Twilight shrugged. “I can't remember anything about it. I was really disorientated when that spell was reversed. After that, Discoed removed my horn briefly. Technically I was a hornless unicorn, but it was sort of like being an earth pony, I guess. After that, he broke my spirit and I literally turned gray. I guess that wasn't a real transformation but I'm glad I recovered from it anyway. Later, I went to the Crystal Empire and turned crystal for a while. Then I became a princess and got my wings. After that, I visited the human world I just mentioned. When I was in that enchanted comic book, I took on the role of the Masked Matterhorn. She's really a pegasus with an artificial horn, which is why I had trouble using it at first. Oh, and I turned myself into a breezie for a while. That was fun. And... I think that covers it. Any questions?”

“Will you be an airship when you grow up?”

Twilight's mouth hung open. “What?”

“Ooh, or a train! Or a toaster! Or... maybe even a lava lamp. Just think of all the random things that you could be if you put your mind to it.”

“I have no words.” Twilight shook her head. “If we're done goofing off, can we go back to the problem of sending you home?”

Sue shrugged. “Can you conjure a booster rocket from thin air?”

“I don't even know what that is.”

“It's nothing much—only a fifteen story high canister full to the brim with high-grade explosives.”

“Why would you want something like that?” Twilight shrunk back as she tried to imagine the scope of such a thing. “That sounds really dangerous.”

“It is, but if the explosives are burned in a precisely controlled manner, then it provides the thrust needed for space travel.”

“That... sounds kind of complex, actually.”

Sue shrugged. “That's why they call it rocket science.”

“We're not actually going to build something like that are we?” Applejack asked.

“Of course not! There's bound to be a much safer way of getting things into space. It's probably simple too, but my mind's drawing a blank right now.” Twilight shook herself and ruffled her feathers. “Why can't I figure this out? What am I missing?”

“The concept is simple, I guess. All you have to do is escape gravity.” Sue looked up. “But that's easier said than done.”

“Gravity! That's it! I'll just reverse gravity.” Twilight grinned. “I haven't had a chance to use that spell since I fought all those stairs in the Crystal Empire, but it should work perfectly here. Ready to go back into space?”

Sue's eyes popped open. “You can do what?”

“Reverse gravity. Want me to demonstrate?”

“Um, sure.” Sue looked around, but Twilight spotted a target first.

Wrapped in a magenta aura, Twilight carried the oak limb that fell off her house and moved it into the open street. “I was going to reattach this, but it's not like it won't grow back anyway. Well, here goes.” Twilight's horn flared briefly and she released it. The branch shot up and tumbled end over end as it fell straight up out of the sky. Twilight grinned and swayed back and forth. “My tree limb went to space today.”

“...wow.” Sue stood there dumbfounded. “That's incredible.”

“Well, actually it's nothing much,” Twilight blushed. “It's part of an advanced spell book, but it's not actually hard to cast. It's more of an obscure spell than advanced. Ponies don't really have any reason to send things into space, and basic levitation is easier to use, so gravity reversal's been largely ignored.”

“Well then, I guess I should get going.” Sue sat down and put her boots back on.

“What? Just like that?” Applejack asked. “Don't ya at least want to stay for dinner or something?”

“No thanks. I don't want to go on a date with a pony.”

“What?” Applejack recoiled.

Sue laughed. She climbed on a wing of her spaceship and from there jumped into the cockpit. “Give me a few minutes to get situated before you send me off. I have to complete some pre-flight checks and I'll honk once I'm ready to leave.” She closed the glass dome. Various lights blinked and panels on the wings moved up and down. The engines revved up and the ponies scampered away.

“You're going to let her go like that? Without even saying goodbye?” Applejack asked.

“It's her choice,” Twilight said. “As much as I'd like for her to stay and chat... Well, actually, perhaps it's better this way.”

“What do you mean?” Fluttershy asked.

“Well, for one, I'd rather not have her make another boneheaded remark and send everypony panicking again,” Twilight snarked.

“Really, Twilight? Yer still upset about that?” Applejack asked.

“Well, no, but it's more than just that—”

Honk. Hoonk.

Twilight jumped. “Well, it's a moot point—”

Hooonk!

“Okay, already!”

HOONK!

“Lay off the horn, lady!”

HOONK! HOONK!

Twilight couldn't take it anymore and blasted the ship with her magic. It was a relief to everypony when it shot up out of the sky and fell off the planet into space.

Twilight winced and rubbed her ears. “And they'd just stopped ringing too.”

Fluttershy raised a hoof and waved it at the sky. “Goodbye, Sue. I hope you make it home okay.”

“I don't think she heard you,” Applejack said.

“Well, it's the thought that counts.” Fluttershy put her hoof down, but still sat there staring up at the sky. Some birds chirped nearby and she smiled.

Ksst.

“What's that?” Rainbow Dash asked. She glanced around.

“Bob, sorry I hung up on you earlier, but I was just too emotional to take it all in at the time. I still don't believe it, honestly.”

“That was Sue's voice. But, she left, didn't she?” Rainbow Dash whimpered, “I-is she a ghost?”

“No, she's not.” Twilight levitated a gray object. “She left her helmet behind and that's where her voice is coming from. She probably forgot about it. Would you mind being quiet? I'm interested in what she has to say.”

“–I don't know where that interference is coming from. It almost sounds like voices.” From the pitch of the voice, it sounded male. It wasn't the same 'Bob' she'd talked to earlier, though.

“Well, I've checked my end and, huh, it seems to have gone away on its own.” That voice belonged to Sue.

“Well, there's no sense in worrying about it. So you wanted to talk about the locals?”

“Yes! Oh my god, where do I even begin? It's like I landed in a dimension of superheroes.”

The other voice chuckled.

“What's so funny?”

“Just the thought of a small woman like you getting loomed over by a bunch of giant people in spandex with huge bulging biceps.”

Sue laughed. “That's not what they looked like at all! They were actually a bunch of tiny technicolor horse things. I was the tallest one there.”

“No kidding?”

“No kidding. Check out the mission log. I took pictures.”

The voices stopped for a while with only the sounds of typing and clicking in the background. Fluttershy opened her mouth but Twilight shook her head and she closed it again.

“Yikes. And I thought you were exaggerating. Those are some pretty vividly colored ponies there. What is up with those weird symbols on their butts?”

“Oh for the love of—I forgot to ask.”

Rainbow Dash opened her mouth to say something but Twilight put her hoof on it and shook her head. Dash nodded and they resumed listening.

“–not ask something like that? It's like the very first thing I'd ask if I were there.”

“Look, at the time I was trying to explain about them. You know, the Upgrade.”

“What? Did they have a lot of questions about the recording?”

“The, er, oh! Heh heh. Funny you should mention that...”

“You didn't show it to them, did you?”

“I kind of forgot, sorry.”

“You had one job, Sue! One job.” 'Bob' sighed. “Well, I guess I can't complain given how well things turned out. That must have been a pretty epic to watch. What exactly happened?”

“It wasn't, really. I kind-of convinced them that they were doomed and they all started panicking, and then, well, bam! Star-to-the-face! And they were all happy again.”

The line was silent a bit longer than it normally took him to respond.

“...right.”

“I'm not kidding! They actually smacked it with their actual sun. You just can't make up stuff like that.”

“I didn't say you were. I mean, it does make sense based on what we saw too. It's a shame you're trapped there; I would have loved to see the full video.”

“Actually, I'm on my way back right now.”

“What!? But didn't you go planetside? You can't turn on the rift drive in an atmosphere. That's crazy!”

“No. Um, yes, I did, but I asked them to send me back into space. It wasn't even hard for them once they figured out what to do. I did mention they had freaky superpowers, right?”

“Good lord. I'd hate to run into their army.”

“Yeah, me too. They have spears and bows but I'm not even sure why they bother with those things. Can you imagine it? Us with our phase blasters and hover-tanks and whatnot and them with pointy sticks. We'd all be like, 'Rawr, we are too awesome! Surrender now,' and they'd be like, 'LOL, no. You are having bad problem. You are going to space today.' ”

“That's not how we solve problems,” Twilight blurted out. The other ponies deadpanned and Twilight blushed.

“Who was that!? Is someone else on the line?”

“That sounded like–”

“Yes, it's me, Princess Twilight Sparkle. I'm–”

“How did you get on this line?” Sue asked. “Oh, god. Please don't tell me you have even more superpowers.”

“What? No. It's not like that. You left your helmet behind and it's been broadcasting your conversation.”

Sue said something foreign and Fluttershy winced. “I'm glad there aren't any chupacabrans around to be offended by that.”

“I'm sorry, I should have said something sooner,” Twilight said. “I didn't want to butt in on a private conversation but it was wrong of me to listen and say nothing.”

“Wow, you sound really nice for someone who can blast things into space,” 'Bob' said. “I was expecting you to sound a lot more... badass.”

Rainbow Dash pointed her hoof at the helmet. “Hey, Twilight's plenty badass. You'd know that if you ever got on her bad side.”

“Dash, you don't have defend me. I'm fine with sounding friendly.”

“Ah, right. Well, Princess Twilight Sparkle–” 'Bob' snickered. “–since you were listening and all, could you answer my question? What is up with those butt symbols?”

“Those totally awesome things are cutie marks,” Dash said. “They–” Whatever else Dash had to say got lost in all the laughter that came from the other end. She pulled her hoof back and drooped her ears. “They're making fun of us.”

Twilight sighed. She spread a wing over the helmet to muffle her voice on their end. She addressed her friends, “I think it's about time we said goodbye.”

They nodded.

Twilight folded her wing back up and spoke towards the helmet. “Sue, we have a town to help fix and we need to get back to that but before we go, I have last question for you, if you don't mind.”

“What is it?” Sue asked.

“Why did you want to leave without saying goodbye?”

The helmet went silent, and it took a while for Sue to respond. “It's stupid, really. I didn't want to admit that I'd forgotten your names already.”

“What? But that's not something that should stop you from saying 'goodbye.' If you can't remember our names, just call us 'ponies' or something. We'll know what you mean.”

“It's embarrassing, okay? I always feel so bad when people wave me off by name and I can't reciprocate. I usually just avoid it altogether.”

“That's not healthy, Sue. None of us are perfect, but we don't push others away so they don't have to see our faults. You're not protecting anyone that way and you're just hurting yourself when you do that. Keep your friends close and you'll be a lot happier when you can face life's struggles together.”

“I'll... keep that in mind,” Sue said.

“Huh,” 'Bob' said, “when I first heard you on the line, friendship advice was about the last thing I expected to hear.”

“You wouldn't say that if ya knew her,” Applejack said. “Well, Ah guess this is finally goodbye. It's certainly been... an experience.”

“Goodbye, Sue,” the ponies said.

“Goodbye, ponies,” Sue said.

“Hello phone bill,” 'Bob' said. There was silence. “What? I thought it was funny.”

“Goodbye,” Twilight said again. She flared her magic and the helmet vanished in a flash of magenta light. “Well, that's the end of that. I've sent it off to the Crystal Empire for safe keeping. Cadance will know what to do with it.”

As it turns out, Cadance didn't. She levitated the gray thing and set it on a table. There was a daisy sticking out of it. “What an interesting invention. It's a pot that talks to the plants so you don't have to.” She watered it.