May Celestia Strike Me Dead

by Akumokagetsu

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Twilight Sparkle, Cheerilee, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human, Lyra
Length: 1090

Just when you think things can't get any stranger, life has a way of leaving you surprised. Or in this case, trapped in the body of a prepubescent colt with an alcohol addiction.

It's been a strange few days.

Ponies are running amok, I'm surprised my own internal organs work properly, nothing is as it's supposed to be and the whole world thinks I'm a little kid. Or, rather, a colt with a drinking problem.
And to be completely honest, I think I preferred the hangover to putting up with this.

Just a little comedy thing I did as a side distraction.

Published 2014-05-08 20:20:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-08 20:20:04 UTC

Welcome To Pony Hell

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If you’ve never been convinced to drink a little too much, you’ve never contemplated murder.

And if you’ve never woken up with a hangover, you’ve never contemplated suicide.

White walls, that was always the one defining feature of hospitals. The blank color was something that I latched onto; at least, whenever I had my eyes open. I tried to keep from doing that, though. If I opened my eyes, I had to look around. And if I looked around, I had to see things.

I really, really didn’t want to see things.

See, I didn’t really know what was going on. My memory was just fine, which was what occupied my mind while I was lying there squeezing my eyes shut and trying not to wet my pants.

If I was wearing pants, that is, but I’ll get to that in a minute.

Out drinking with the guys, just a regular weekend for me. Just me, Johnathan, Harry and Demarcus.

And before you ask, Harry is the token black guy of our group. Or at least he was, it’s more of a trio now that I’m not there. As for me, my name is Vick. Really good name, if you ask me. My name always reminded me of one of those stereotypically over-muscled bouncers you see at nightclub entrances. Tough guys.

For the record, I was not tough looking in the slightest. I was a little shaking kid, scared to the point of soiling myself. And I say kid, but I don’t think I could call myself that, because I sure as hell wasn’t human.

That only prompted me to steal a peek out at myself again, and I jammed my eyes back shut immediately afterwards.

Nope, still the same dull purple colt. Still lying on my back, unable to move properly.

I don’t know how long I was out lying in some field, just trying to gain proper motor controls.

Do you have any idea just how hard it is to go from a human brain to an alien one?

Pretty fucking hard, that’s how hard.

I must have been outside for quite a while, just struggling to work individual limbs. Whatever kind of horse/pony thing I was seemed to operate on some of the same levels as humans, but only partially. I had a working tongue, as evidenced by the odd barking sounds I was able to form. On that note, words were pretty damned hard to form at first, too, although I eventually started getting those down.

I still can’t work the limbs properly. Hence, why I was still lying in this stupid hospital bed instead of running for my life like I wanted to. At least I’m not going ‘bluh buh buh huh buh buh buh!’ anymore.

“Hey, how’s our little fella today?”

I flinched at the sound of the feminine voice approaching from beside me, and I really wished that I could have covered my whole self with the thin white sheets. My eyes cracked back open, and I took in a sharp breath of surprise when she touched my side.

“Don’t you touch me!” I shrieked, my voice coming out in a much higher pitch than I intended. I think I scared the mare with the blue mane, but I didn’t really care at that point. Hey, I was a lot more freaked out than she was. I didn’t know the nurse, but I’m almost positive that she wasn’t going through what I was going through. I felt a little twinge of regret for making her jump, but it didn’t last long.

I can’t really call myself much of a ‘brony’. I haven’t gotten all that much into the whole ‘ponies’ thing, just enough to be interested. Where I come from, My Little Pony is just a show. That’s all it is, just a cartoon.

Here? Wherever ‘here’ was, anyway. Not a chance. Here, it is just as real as can freaking be. Speaking of, I was freaking out before, but it always got worse whenever I had to look at one of them. I might have expected to see things with a sort of cartoonish perspective, but, no. Everything looked hyper realistic, just like the real world does. Every strand of hair, every fiber of the cloth, all too real.

And the eyes. Oh my fucking god I can’t stand to look at the eyes.

If I thought I needed a drink before, I sure as hell needed one now. They’re all just so weird to look at, it scares the living daylights out of me. It’s like they’re some kind of combination between animals and people, except they’re capable of really, really emphasized facial expressions. Seriously, when I first started talking, I think one of the nurses’ eyebrows almost came off her face.

That also could have been because I told her exactly where she could shove her stethoscope.

The nurse just gave me that creepy smile, and I shuddered while I hid my own oddly large eyes beneath my hooves. They’re just too big for their heads, it’s like looking at a funhouse mirror. I could only imagine what I must have looked like-

No, bad Vick! Bad! Bad mental images.

I shuddered again when she touched me, helping me sit up properly on the bed.

“Hey, how’s the little patient today?” she asked sweetly.

“Go blow it out your ass, that’s how.”

The nurse cringed openly, and said “Now, that really isn’t the sort of language a colt should –”

“Fuck you.”

She seemed shocked – downright shocked – at what I said, completely flabbergasted. At least her freaky looking smile went away.

“Vick!” the mare scolded me. “You stop those dirty words, right now young colt!”

I seem to keep forgetting that absolutely everybody – sorry, everypony – thinks I’m a child. I really wish I hadn’t told them my name. Not even for any particular reason, just because it weirds me out all that much more seeing one of them saying my name.

And, I’ve got to admit, I kind of enjoy ruining their perceptions. Not as much as I hated being stuck wherever I was, though. My best guess is either Ponyville hospital or Pony Hell. Probably the latter.

“Choke on a bag of diarrhea, shit stain – wait, is that a bar of soap? Why do you need that? Why are you looking at me like that? Why do you have oh god Jesus please no BLARGH AGHLE BLAGH!”

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