Keep Your Friends Close...

by Nosfrat

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Scootaloo, Sex, Random, Diamond Tiara, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Romance, Anon
Length: 20345

Scootaloo has taken a liking to Anon, Ponyville's only human, but she's not the only one... will she fight for him, or befriend the enemy to help her in her endeavor? Will Anon survive the onslaught of crazy ponies out to get him?

Scootaloo has taken a liking to Ponyville's only human, but she's not the only one. Will she fight for him, or will she befriend the enemy and make things twice as hard for our good friend Anonymous? Read on to find out!
[/best summary ever]

This is a first person Anon in Equestria story. Although it's mostly randomness with a lot of nonsense, it's also a clopfic and contains a quite explicit sex scene.

It also contains the following (among other things): butts, foalcon, human on pony(ies), various innuendos, copious amounts of gratuitous swearing, and a ton of other stupid shit and various references.

Rated Mature for explicit sexual content.

Published 2014-05-07 00:10:07 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-07 00:10:07 UTC

Keep Your Friends Close...

Author's Note

This story... this fucking story. It was seriously hard to write. I wrote it over the course of nearly one month (my other three one-shots were written in a few days - barely seven hours for A Sweet Winter Night). I wrote it piece by piece (and not in order), causing me to struggle to find a smooth way to mend those pieces together, all the while keeping continuity. As a result, I'm pretty sure it's subpar (at least compared to my other stories, though that doesn't mean much), but what the hell... it surely contains enough comedic bits and somewhat decent clop to entertain some of you guys. I hope.

The sheer amount of references will go over most people's heads, but I'd be happy if someone can point some of them out. Oh well, as usual, I'm sorry for the potential mistakes, be it spelling, grammar or whatever, this is the story I spent the least time rereading/proofreading/whatever (by far), and I honestly wasn't too inspired to finish it. I hope it doesn't hinder the experience too much, and as with my other stories, making a backup of your brain cells before you read it is highly recommended.
Don't say I didn't warn you.

My next clopfic (fun fact: I never really wanted to write clop - particularly not foalcon - and never did write any before, yet it's like the only thing I seem to be able to write since I joined FiMFiction) will probably include futa.

I mean, I just can't seem to write anything without swearing every two words, strong sexual references and stuff that, even without being explicit, will warrant a Mature rating, so I might as well go all the way, and add an actual sex scene as a little bonus, right? Even though it's never really the main focus of the story.

And yes, this is a twenty-two thousand words one-shot. You thought seventeen and a half thousand was bad enough, huh? Tough shit, guys.

Keep Your Friends Close...

"Anon!"

Goddammit.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm coming..." I sigh and fold the last shirt before getting up and walking down the stairs. Can't a man clean his room in peace? This time I could finish, but still... and seriously, can't this mare do anything on her own? What's the point in bragging endlessly about her every move when she would almost ask me for help to wipe her ass?

Jumping over the last two steps, I take a glance towards the kitchen. What is she doing in here? Rainbow Dash and cooking don't really mix too well. In fact, most ponies whose special talent isn't related to cooking (and whose name isn't Pinkie Pie) are pretty horrible at anything you can do in a kitchen.

"Seriously Rainbow, I know you're almost as lazy as me, but you can't keep-" words fail me upon realizing that 'Rainbow Dash' has lost about a foot, a good thirty-five pounds and her cutie mark.
And she changed colors.

"Scootaloo? What are you doing here?" I ask, raising as eyebrow at the orange filly who has not only managed to break into my house, but also to get her rear legs stuck in my oven.

She gives me a sheepish smile and looks down. "I wanted to make you a surprise, but uh... I'm not a very good cook. But I wanted to try," she says, handing me a small piece of... well, I don't know. I mean, ponies in general suck at cooking but damn, this is Sweetie Belle levels of inedible.

"That's nice and all, but... maybe you shouldn't just let yourself into my house, and start using my stuff, you know? That's usually Rainbow Dash's thing. I know you want to be like her and all, but not everything she does is an example. To be honest, I could think of better role models."

"I'm sorry," she says in an apologetic tone, extending a front hoof. After 'freeing' her, I walk back into the living room and sit on my couch, eyeing her warily. She's a good kid and all, but... well, I wouldn't be surprised to see her getting her cutie mark in demolition or something one day.
She sits down next to me and smiles.

"You really thought I was Rainbow Dash?" she asks, her eyes shining.

"Well, yeah... I mean, no, not really, but since she tends to be the only one who just lets herself in and starts using my stuff... I assumed it was her. I wonder why she even invites herself in when she knows she can't operate anything on her own. So in the end, instead of calling me from the outside, she does it from the inside."

Scootaloo cocks her head and gives me a confused look. "Rainbow Dash? She can't do anything on her own?" she asks in disbelief.

"Well Scoots, I hate to break it to you, and I don't wanna shatter your dreams or anything, but your idol isn't exactly perfect. She's a great mare and all, but she has her flaws, just like everypony else. Aside from being nearly as lazy as I am, she's clumsy as hell and can't seem to do anything correctly unless it has to do with flying."

"Clumsy? But you have these finger things! Pony hooves can't compare, you know!"

"I know, but other ponies do fine on their own, while Rainbow is all like, 'Anon! Can you turn the TV on for my lazy blue ass, please?', seriously."

"That's not fair. Your home has only human stuff! Nopony can use most of your stuff with hooves!"

Realization hits me, and I suddenly start feeling like a moron. "Oh... yeah. You might be right, I hadn't considered that."
Now that I think about it, she only ever needed my help when she was at my place. Nearly everything I own is custom-made, requiring hands to use properly. Ponies can't into dexterity, and I can't into magic or buttons larger than my fist. It's insane how strong these ponies are... when they want to be, at least. The last time I tried to operate a machine designed for ponies, I had to kick a dial in order to turn it. I hurt my foot, too. And it turned it too far.
Fucking dials.

And when Rainbow Dash asks me to turn on the TV for her, well... the buttons on the remote itself are already a tad too small for my fingers. That doesn't prevent her from getting up and walking up to the TV itself, though.
Fucking Rainbow Dash.

"Anon! Are you listening?"

"Uh? Sorry, I was thinking about what you just said. Yeah, you're right, Dash is probably not that bad."

"So, are you gonna help me?"

I raise an eyebrow. "Help you? Help you with what?"

She sighs. "You weren't listening..."

"No, I wasn't. I had an epiphany."

"A what now?"

Damn. It's barely ten o'clock on a tuesday morning, and I'm already being questioned by a small colorful horse? Those are truly dark times.

I get up without saying anything and walk into the kitchen, grabbing two small bricks of milk with two straws. I walk back into the living room and give one to Scootaloo.
They can perfectly handle things like that (and somehow hold it without any trouble), but they can't operate a normal-sized button, dial or anything... confound these midget horses.

"Milk?"

"Yeah."

"Uh, thanks... I guess?"

I smile, oblivious to her embarrassment. "No problem. Man, I love milk."

"Uh... yeah, milk is... nice."

"You're damn right it is. So..." I lean back and sigh heavily, closing my eyes and streching my arms. "What did you need help with?"

She looks at me, determined. "Do you know the Wonderbolts?"

I give her a semi-decent poker face. "Well, if you consider Dash drops in like three times a week... even if I were deaf, chances are I would have still heard about them, somehow."

"Do you like them?"

"I don't know. I don't know anything about flying, and I never saw them performing. I assume most of what Dash told me about them was exaggerated, and even that would be assuming her stories are based on actual facts... but at least I gotta say, their captain is hot."

"Spitfire?"

"Uh, yeah... I think. Those beautiful green eyes, electric blue coat, muscular butt... shit, I'd tap that in a heartbeat."

She cocks her head in confusion. "Uh, that's Soarin' you're talking about, Anon... He isn't the captain. The captain is Spitfire. Yellow mare with a fiery orange mane, you know?"

"Oh? Uh... yeah, sure. She's hot too." I finish my milk and stare uneasily at Scootaloo. Does that make me a faggot? And why am I openly saying stuff like that to a kid? Is Scootaloo even a kid by horse standards?

"Anyway," she says as she takes a sip of her little brick, "they are performing in Cloudsdale on Sunday, and Rainbow Dash invited me!"

"That's great, Scoots! I'm kinda surprised she didn't tell me about it yet... but then it's early morning. She's probably still sleeping."

"No, she told me this morning. She invited me, and I... well, you see, I..."

"You?"

"I..." she looks down and sighs.

I place a finger below her chin and gently lift her head up, causing her to look at me. "Come on, what's the matter? You can tell me."

She swallows loudly and looks away from me. "Rainbow Dash... she told me to meet her there."

"Meet her there? Where? Cloudsdale?"

"Yes..."

I shrug. "So? What's the deal?"

"What's the deal?" she asks, getting up. "WHAT'S THE DEAL? How the hay am I supposed to get to Cloudsdale on my own? I can't fly, you know!"

"I know, but... I mean, how am I supposed to help you with that? Do I look like I can fly to you?"

"No, but... you're an adult. Plus, you know many ponies, and your species has done a lot of awesome things! Not being able to fly didn't stop humans, Rainbow Dash told me all about the things you told her!"

"That's true, but... I'm afraid I can't help you," I pat her on the back, trying to cheer her up. "Humans may have created flying machines, but operating them is very complicated, and building them even more so."
Fucking Rainbow Dash...

"What am I gonna do, Anon?"

"I don't know. Doesn't she know that you can't fly?"

"I... yes, she does. Then it means she doesn't care about me..."

"Now come on, Scootaloo. You know Rainbow Dash never really remembers or cares about anything that isn't related to flying."

"And I can't fly!" she shouts, her eyes watering.

"No! I didn't mean it like that! ...damn it."

I sigh and stroke my chin, trying to find an idea. My thoughts drift to Twilight Sparkle, and to the day I arrived in Equestria. I don't remember much about it, everything until I woke up on the second day is a blur in my mind, but I remember that she owned some kind of hot air balloon. Maybe that could help, if she lets us borrow it. She surely wouldn't refuse to help Scootaloo. As for me, I may have to tag along for the ride, regardless of whether I want to or not... something about how I'm 'trustworthy and good with kids', as most ponies keep saying. Either they don't know me well enough, or casually talking about whose ass you'd tap is considered kid-friendly around here. I suppose I am closer to kids than adults in terms of (im)maturity, though.
Perks of being a young adult male and all.

But Scootaloo isn't like the other 'kids'. She seems to have really taken a liking to me... I'm not too sure why. She doesn't quite admire me like she admires Rainbow Dash, but she definitely trusts me. It's like I'm a big brother to her or something.

Oh well, I just hope I can walk on clouds... hopefully, Twilight will have a potion of some kind for that.

"Want another milk for the trip?" I ask the filly as she trots up to the door.

"Uh, no thanks. I... uh, I'm not really too fond of milk."

"Suit yourself," I deadpan, before muttering under my breath, "punk."

"Thanks for everything Anon, I really hope it will work out..." she stares at me from right outside the door.

"It will, I guarantee you that it will."

"How can you be so sure?" she inquires, taking a step back inside.

"Well, Twilight always helps when it's plot-relevant."

"What?"

"Nothing. See you later, Scoots!"

"Huh... later..."

She closes the door and I sigh. What have I gotten myself into? I could simply talk to Rainbow Dash, but then again, I'm not sure how Scootaloo would take it. Those two are among the rare few ponies who I can really open myself to, and still they seem to enjoy my presence. And they don't get offended or weirded out by my antics, nor by my obnoxious attitude in general. I would hate to ruin their friendship, with each other or with me.
I'm definitely gonna find a reason to scold her ass, though...

Ah, whatever. Time to watch some TV.

Equestrian TV is boring as shit. Aside from the lack of big budget productions and special effects beyond the occasional magic-generated explosion, it's not worse than TV back home... but it's definitely not any better. God, those fucking sitcoms and their one-liners... I'd rather watch Batman & Robin than this shit. But then, maybe ponies in full body suits with nipples would-

Suddenly, a knock on the door.
It's not even noon yet, and I already got two ponies dropping by? Shit, is that what being popular feels like? How dreadful.

I walk up to the door and open it, before walking back inside, not even bothering to check who it is. "'Sup, Dash? Did you really just knock instead of letting yours-" once again, I shut up as I realize the pony I was expecting would already be on my couch, telling me about whatever the hell she did this morning, all the while having cute voice cracks, yet being annoying somehow.

But there's nothing on the couch, no voice cracks, no endless bragging and no sounds of feathers ruffling or wings flapping. It's still not Rainbow Dash. I turn back and raise an eyebrow at the little filly standing in the door frame.

"Uh, hello? Can I help you?"

She closes her eyes smugly and turns her head. "Oh, hello. My name is Diamond Tiara."

I scratch my head. I heard that name somewhere, and that filly looks somewhat familiar... ooooh. Right.

"Oh yeah, I remember you. You're that little shit who keeps picking on the Crusaders, right? Get your ass outta my house."

As I walk up to her with the strong intent to close the door on her, she puts a hoof up and starts stammering. "W-wait! Wait! I have money!"

"Yeah, so what? I'm loaded, too, check this shit out." I smirk, lowering my pants and flashing her my sexy black, gold-trimmed briefs. Fucking master race material right there... but then, it's not like she'll understand... fucking nudist equines.

She raises an eyebrow. "What is that? Pfft! It looks so lame. I bet you didn't even pay for that thing!"

"What? It's totally badass, and I did pay for it! It cost me like... uh..." okay, I did not pay for these. But how the hell could she know that?

"Don't bother... word on the streets is, like, Rarity likes the new alien creature..." she says with a wink. "So naturally, she'd make fancy stuff for him... for free."

"What?"

She smirks. "I know, right? She's like, a total creep."

"No, not that, I know that. I mean, I know that she... likes me. I suffered enough at her hands already... hooves, whatever," I shudder, fighting the resurfacing memories. In a way, I did pay for these... "But I meant, an 'alien creature'? Ponies refer to me as an alien?"

"Well, yes! Aren't you an alien? Many ponies say that you came from far beyond the stars because of a prophecy or something... personally, I think you're just some kind of hairless monkey without a clue as to how he found himself here in the first place, and that's what daddy thinks, too. But ponies tend to call you an alien... you know how they are, commoners... ew."

"Yeah, I guess that's one way to put it... But still, that's a new one." I say flatly. I'm not sure why anypony would think I came from outer space, but still. That feel when diminutive bitch horse is smarter than the majority of Ponyville.

Still smirking, she walks past me and swats my leg with her tail. "I need to ask you a favor, monkey," she says as she jumps and sits on my couch.

"I'm not a mon-"

"Urgh... this couch is like, totally uncomfortable! I hate the poor!"

Damn... I think I just found my match in terms of being a rude, inconsiderate asshole. Still, I'm not about to let her know that. I cross my arms over my chest and stare at her with a glare that would kill lesser men. Er, ponies. Young female ponies?
Whatever.

"I'm not a monkey. And I'm not doing you any favors. You insulted my comfy ass couch? Now you better get the fuck outta my face or I will rain down an ungodly fucking firesto-"

She slams a hoof againt my thigh, cutting me off. "You will do me a favor! I'm the most popular filly in town, you can't refuse anything I ask of you!"

Is she for real?
I sigh and scratch my balls. "I'm serious, I'm not in the mood for this shit, so just get outta here before I cuntpunt your pink, spoiled ass back to... uh... where do you live, again?"

"Pfft... how can you not know where I live? You're like, so lame! I bet you don't even have a cutie mark!"

"No shit, I don't. Humans don't-"

"I knew it! Heh, you should just hang out with these stupid blank flanks, who knows, maybe one day you could-"

I reach for her tiara and grab it, silencing her. Although I intended to raise the filly herself to eye level by grabbing her by her tiara, I only managed to pluck it off her head instead. Shrugging, I put it on mine and push Diamond back with a hand as she jumps and flails, trying to get her precious item back.

"Give it back!"

"Hell no. This is my tiara, now. You may call me Princess Anonymous and worship me, peasant."

"Give me my tiara back or I'll tell my daddy on you!"

She jumps and lunges at me, knocking the wind out of me and somehow managing to knock me over. I fall on my ass and she lands softly on my chest, grinning. I look at her and frown.

"Listen here you little shit."

Her grin fades and she angrily jabs me in the chest with a hoof. Frowning harder at my lack of reaction, she does it again, and again... and seriously, it feels good. Kinda like a massage. How can they have so much strength, yet hit so weakly?
Goddamn ponies, man.

Extending my arms so that her precious is still out of her reach, I smile at her and continue to ignore her 'assault'. Coming from any other pony, it would be relaxing, actually.

"So... now that you don't have a tiara anymore, what's your special talent? Huh? Your cutie mark is gonna disappear, and you'll be cast out! You'll be known as the first and only pony in history who has been a blank flank... twice!" I shout the last word evilly as I roll over and manage an absolutely magnificient throw, the tiara landing perfectly on top of the refrigerator after bouncing off the kitchen's door frame. Or at least, I think it did... I mean, it may have landed nicely, who knows? And the clattering sound it made doesn't necessarily mean I broke something...
Right?

"I swear I'll tell my daddy on you, you damn dirty-"

"Go ahead, call your daddy. He can't un-blank flank you."

She sighs and points a hoof at her cutie mark. "Even if your stupid voodoo monkey stuff worked, daddy would have just gotten me another tiara."

I boop her nose, my anger being slowly replaced by a strange sense of playfulness. "Which I would have stolen as well."

"B-but... but then he'd have gotten me a third one!"

"And I would have kept stealing them all until your family went bankrupt! How about that, huh?" I smirk at her, propping myself up on my elbows.

"Give it back! NOW!"

"Ah, whatever you say," I push her off me and get up. "Want some milk?"

She stares at me blankly. "What?"

I put on a serious face, wishing I could conjure up a monocle out of nowhere. "Does Miss Diamond 'Spoiled Brat' Tiara want some milk to drink, courtesy of Ponyville's hottest and most generous monkey?"

"...Yeah, whatever."

I shrug and walk into the kitchen.

Yes! The tiara did land on top of the fridge! ...except that I had a pile of plates sitting up there, and they're now on the floor. And everywhere else.
And in pieces. Fuck's sake.

Oh well, I'll take care of this later. I simply grab the tiara and another two little bricks of milk, before walking back into the living room.

Giving her item back to the filly, I sit down and open my drink as she smiles, the tiara back on her head. "How did you know where I lived?"

"I'm Diamond Tiara."

"So?"

"I know everything about what's going on in town! You realize many ponies are interested in you, right? They're like, always talking about you."

"Why? Because I'm so sexy and handsome?"

She glares at me, a faint blush forming on her face. "No, because you're so strange and... tall." How can she even blush with a pink coat?

I shrug. "I'm not even tall, you ponies are just short as hell, but whatever. What did you want to ask me, anyway?"

She eyes me carefully. "You're... you're still gonna do me a favor, even after I-"

I put a hand up. "Woah, woah, woah. Back off. I didn't say I'd do anything. But you can tell me, at least... I mean, it's not like you went out of your way and came knocking on my door for no reason. Obviously, you need me. So the least I can do is hearing you out."

Still eyeing me suspiciously, she opens her mouth to speak up, but I cut her off.

"But whatever it is, I won't do it. I'm gonna make you beg for it... maybe I'll even force you to worship me. But in the end, I still won't do it! Holy shit, I'm so edgy right now I almost cut myself."

She simply keeps staring at me, with a blank expression plastered on her face. In her eyes, I can read something along the lines of 'M8 U FINK UR HRD'.

Seeing her annoyed look, and although I still don't really care, I raise an apologetic hand. "Alright, tell me... maybe I'll help you."
Today seems like it's gonna be a 'get visited by fillies asking for favors' kind of day.

She takes a sip of her milk and licks her lips, before looking at me.

Awww! So cute!

Fuck off, brain.

Why? Because she's a filly?

No! Because she's Diamond Tiara, you moron!

Oh.

"Well, I... you see, yesterday I was hanging out with Silver Spoon, and I... uh..."

"Really? Sorry, I can't do that. It's way too much work for me."

"I wasn't finished!"

I smirk at her and raise my drink to my mouth, holding it as if it were a pipe, before swearing at my now milk-covered clothes. "Fuck."

"You're so strange..." she states matter-of-factly, still staring at me.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just go on with your shit, I'm listening," I say, annoyed as I try to sponge up the soaked fabric. Shit's gonna be all sticky now, dammit.

"So, I was hanging with Silver Spoon, and... well, she said something, and..." she trails off again, obviously having trouble admitting she said or did whatever it is she wants to tell me about.

"Cool story, nine out of eleven, would hear again."

She adjusts her tiara with both hooves and gives me a death glare, which is soon interrupted by my laughter as her own milk now runs down her body.

"AAAAH!"

I wipe a tear off my face. "Karma's a bitch, ain't it?"

"STOP LAUGHING AND HELP ME, YOU STUPID MONKEY!" she screams as she awkwardly 'paws' at her body, trying to stop her coat from absorbing the creamy liquid.

"I think I need to teach you some decent insults... 'monkey' isn't really working, you know?"

"SHUT UP AND HELP ME!"

I sigh and grab her, walking upstairs and into the bathroom. I literally dump her in the bathtub before turning the water on and stripping off my shirt, throwing it into the laundry basket. If only I had a washing machine... technology in Equestria is so weird and inconsistent.

The filly gives me a confused look as I cross my arms. "So? What are you waiting for? This shit ain't gonna scrub itself, you know," I say before putting on a crappy German accent. "Get to eet, schweinehund!"

"B-but I... but I... I never washed myself!"

My eye twitches ever so slightly as I raise an eyebrow. "You what?"

"I'm rich! I always had servants washing me!"

"Are you serious?"

"Yes! I... ah, this is so lame! Do you even know what being rich is like?"

That's it, I'm tired of this snob little brat. I put on the highest pitched, most annoying voice I can muster, and give her a stupid look while trying to sound like an overly stereotypical white teenage girl. "Look at me! I'm Diamond Tiara, I make fun of blank flanks for a living, and I would die within a day if I didn't have a hundred servants wiping my ass and assisting my every step! Like, am I not totally the coolest pony in the school? Hello? Why doesn't anypony care? I SAID, AM I-"

"STOP IT!" she screams, splashing water on me. I frown, otherwise unfazed, before continuing.

"SO AM I COOL YET? Like, am I totally the coolest pony or what?" I keep taunting her, tuning out her sudden pleads for me to shut up. "Apple Bloom can harvest a whole orchard by herself, Sweetie Belle could probably turn half of Equestria into a burning inferno by simply pouring cereal into a bowl, Scootaloo would put most professional stuntmen to shame and Babs Seed could take on a minotaur in a fair fight, but what do I care? I will keep insulting and belittling them, for I am Diamond Tiara, the only pony in town who doesn't know how to wash herself! And behold my totally amazing special talent, which is having a tiara on my head!"

"STOOOOOOP IIIIT!"

I can't tell whether that's a scream of anger, or anguish, but it's still music to my ears...

"STOP IT, STOP IT! PLEASE STOP IT!"

Alright, maybe I went a little too far... is she crying? Shit.
Still, someone had to tell her that at some point, right? Damn it, why do I feel so bad about this?

Not saying a word, I kneel down by the tub and start washing her, lathering her little body in shampoo and using my fingers to scrub the milk stuck in her pink coat as she slowly calms down, leaning into my hands. Now that I think about it, washing may be difficult with hooves... unicorns must make everypony jelly on a daily basis.

She gives me a silent nod as I rinse her, and remains silent as I pick her up and start drying her off. A faint blush even makes its way onto her face as I softly brush her wet mane. Once again, how can I see her blush, especially with wet fur? Equestria works in mysterious ways.

Ten minutes later, she's sitting on the couch, completely dry. And I have an ugly, way undersized Rainbow Dash T-shirt.
I didn't want to make them sad so I accepted, but... when Scootaloo came up with that idea and had Sweetie Belle try and sew me a shirt for my birthday... well, let's just say that I'm glad to be the only human here so that nopony can know what 'normal' human clothes are supposed to look like.
However, realizing that this one was my only clean shirt made me die a little on the inside.

Why so lazy, Anon?

Brain, I don't remember you helping me much today.

Just because I'm lazy doesn't mean you have to be, too.

But you are a part of me, you stupid shit.

Oh... yeah.

"Silver Spoon said something and I didn't understand. I pretended I did, but I didn't. I wanted you to explain me what she meant, so I don't look like an idiot if she ever brings it up again," the filly says out of nowhere with a blank expression on her face, interrupting my (extremely insightful) inner monologue.

I raise an eyebrow. "What did she say?"

"She said... she said that the school's chairs were making her flank as sore as a night in Rarity's basement," she says, still in an emotionless tone.

I raise about three and a half eyebrows, trying to process what I just heard.

I know firsthand about Rarity's 'basement'. Or more accurately, sex dungeon.
I mean, I can deal with a strange white fashionista who happens to have a crush on me... as unlikely as it is. Hell, in other circumstances, it could even be flattering.
But when that means going to her boutique for new underwear and ending up running for my life, naked as she chases me through town with a leather whip and a strap-on horse dildo... it is simply unwelcome.

At least I managed to play along until she was done stitching, at which point I simply snatched the damn thing and ran. Faster than I ever did in my entire life.
Fucking four-legged creatures. I'm lucky she doesn't know how to teleport.

I stare at Diamond, feeling a little uneasy from those memories. Her eyes are red and puffy, and she looks embarrassed. Well, I suppose I would be, too, if I were a teenager and my best (and only) friend was into hardcore lesbian BDSM with a mare twice her age, and casually told me about it. Or maybe that's a girl thing?

Even if she just wants to pretend she's cool and knows everything, I suppose I could tell her... but damn it, how am I supposed to actually explain such a thing to a filly?

"Well... that's... uh..."

She looks down, before staring at me solemnly. "I suppose it has something to do with sex, but I don't know exactly. Daddy never explained me those things."

Well, shit.

"I think you're too young, Diamond. He will probably tell you once you're old enough."

She simply keeps staring at me. "No. You're a monkey so I don't expect you to understand, but I'm old enough to even have foals of my own, if I wanted to."

Fucking shits of a thousand shits.

"More like, if you knew how to make them."

Or, more like, if she could actually find somepony who wanted to fuck her.

HA HA I AM SO FUNNY PLS APPLAUD

What is that brain? Yeah, I know I'm not exactly about to get laid, either... but that doesn't mean anything, shut up.

"I know better than you!"

"Really? Well, why don't you tell me, then? Maybe horses do it differently," I say with a smirk.

"I'm not a horse!"

"And I'm not a monkey."

"I... Look, I just want to know what Silver Spoon meant exactly by that. Please, just tell me..." she says quickly, her embarrassment nearly tangible. "I don't want anypony to think I don't know everything about sexual stuff."

I take a minute to think about it, and something strikes me.

"Why does it even matter? First of all, nopony knows everything about sex, and then, it's not like ponies will come to you and start talking about that kind of stuff! Silver Spoon is a freak, that's all... and why the hell did you come to me, anyway? Why would you come and ask me that? I mean, why me, of all creatures?"

Once again, she looks down and she mutters something.

"What was that?"

"I said... you're a monkey... alien, thingy... whatever, I don't know! But you're the only one I can ask without feeling ashamed."

"Oh yeah? Why, because I'm so sexy, you'll brag about having had a conversation about sex with me?"

"No. Because you're not a pony, you're not even supposed to exist here... so I don't have to feel ashamed for asking you."

"Heh, really? 'Cause you don't look exactly proud to me."

"SHUT UP!" she shrieks.

"Now that's what I call edgy."

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP, SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT U-"

I clamp her mouth shut and scratch my balls with the other hand, looking at the now silent filly. She looks way too embarrassed to tell anypony else, anyway... Even if she were to talk about today, I would most likely end up being known as the monkey who hurt daddy's little girl's feelings to her relatives, and as a hero to the ponies who can't stand her.
Rather than as the pervert who talks about BDSM with fillies.

Works for me.

"Alright... I'll tell you. So, as you may know, ponies don't only have sex for procreation. They also have sex because-"

"I know that!" she almost shouts in annoyance, and I mentally scold myself for forgetting, just for one second, that I was dealing with Diamond Tiara, and not a cute, innocent little filly.

She is cute.

Shut the hell up, brain. I don't remember asking you a goddamn thing.

"Okay... so, as I was about to say, ponies also have sex because it's very pleasurable. It can relieve tension, and do a lot of other positive things. I'm not sure what exactly, I'm no doctor, but sometimes, sex can involve tying up your partner and whipping them, spanking them, or otherwise inflicting light pain of them. Or getting tied up and whipped, spanked and all, if you're on the receiving end. The ties aren't necessary, though. Some peop-, er, ponies, take pleasure in doing that kind of stuff."

Diamond Tiara isn't moving, apparently taking in the massive amount of (maybe unwanted) informations.

Well, nice going, queeflord. I think you broke her.

Brain, SHUT THE FUCK UP!

"I..." she stares blankly at me. "So Silver Spoon gets spanked by Rarity in her basement?"

"I don't know, and I sure as hell don't want to know, but that's what she meant. Though I really want to believe she wasn't talking about herself..."

"That's so... wrong."

"Well, it depends-"

"And hot."

Hot? ...yeah, maybe it is. But not when you're the one being chased through town by a crazy bitch with a foot-long horse dildo ready to peg your ass.

"Uh... I wouldn't know about that, I mean, back home I had some seriously fucked up friends, but I never really-"

She cuts me off by jumping into my lap. "I don't really care. Well, thanks anyway, human..."

"Human, huh? Not monkey anymore?"

"Nah, I guess you're not too bad... You got promoted in my esteem."

"Oh, I feel so honored," I deadpan, my voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Whatever, I need to go. Bye!" she jumps off me and gallops up to the door, opening it and closing it in a pink blur. Holy shit, what just happened? Reconsidering, her cutie mark should be a ~~Kenyan~~- ~~Rainbow Dash~~- ~~latex clad Silver Spoon~~- annoying spoiled little brat.
Yeah, that sounds about right. Having herself as her own cutie mark would reflect her personality quite nicely, in fact.

Okay, so... can I finally do something without being pestered by another pony? Surely, I won't get a third visit today... at least not until this afternoon.
I hope.

Sliding a hand in my pants, I keep a weary eye on the door. There is no way to know what these ponies are up to... ever. I know I should be doing this somewhere more secluded, but man, that fucking couch. Way too comfy to ever want to sit anywhere else. Besides, going over a year without any action can make a man far less picky about the circumstances in which he relieves himself.
Now hopefully, I'll be able to finish without a third filly interrup-

"Anon?"

"FUCK."

A familiar sight sits in front of me. "What?"

"Nothing. What are you doing here, Rainbow?"

The pegasus stares at me with a dumbfounded expression. "What? I told you I'd drop by this morning."

"Uh..." Jesus, today is gonna be a loooooong day... "How did you even get in? I didn't hear the sound of glass shattering."

Her stare turns into a faint smile. "Through the open window... Anon, were you masturbating?"

I manage to contain the spaghetti and use my superior human facial muscles to maintain a perfect poker face. "No?"

Her smile drops and she frowns. "Oh... but then, why do you have your hand in your pants? Is it yet another weird human thing?"

"Sure," I answer flatly, letting go of my semi-boner and wondering how the fuck ponies are still eating up that 'human thing' bullshit after so many months... or are they?
Were they ever?

"Anyway, I have some tickets to go to the Wonderbolts' show on-"

"Fuck's sake."

"What?"

Pinching the bridge of my nose, I wave a dismissive hand. This mare is too predictable. "Nothing, nothing. I'm sorry, go on."

She glares at me for a few seconds before clearing her throat. "So as I was saying, I have tickets for the Wonderbolts' show-"

"On Sunday, in Cloudsdale, and you're inviting me. Right?"

"...Yeah."

"Cool. I can't fly or stand on clouds, but cool."

"Oh... yeah, that's right. Let's go to Twilight's, then."

"Why? Sunbutt is handing out wings again?" I ask sarcastically. "Although, now that I think about it... man, I'd look hot with wings. Don't you think?"

Seriously, I could totally become a princess. It's not like it took Twilight much... fuck with your friends' lives, sort it out and bam! You're an immortal ruler. Sounds like something I could do.

"No," she answers flatly. "And you know what awaits you if you ever call the princess Sunbutt in front of anypony but me... right? But anyway, Twilight has a cloud walking spell, and you can use her balloon to get there."

"I'm immune to magic."

"But not to potions."

"So?"

"So she will probably have a cloud walking potion! C'mon, get up, let's go!"

"Now?"

"Yeah, now! Why? You have something else to do?"

"Well, I was doing something else before you interrupted me, but... ah, fuck it. Let's go."

"Rainbow, drop it already."

"Nah, seriously, you weren't masturbating?"

"No... I wasn't."

"What were you doing, then?"

"Nothing."

"You were masturbating! C'mon, I know it."

It's funny how this mare just doesn't realize when she crosses the line between 'I'm being slightly annoying' and 'I seriously need to shut the fuck up'.

"Okay, fine, I was trying to jack off."

She smirks. "Hey, it's not something to be ashamed of!"

"I'm sure you'd know about that."

"Hey!"

"Wanker."

I raise my arms to cover myself as she jabs me in the shoulder with a hoof. She's way too easy to fluster, it's almost boring.

I stop walking and point at the wooden door with a finger. "We're here. You go ahead and fly through her window, mess her shit up and call me when you're done, okay? I'll just sit here and wait."

She rolls her eyes and knocks. "Don't be an ass, Anon. You know why I always let myself into your house..."

"Yeah..." I say, not really listening to her. "Wait, no! Actually, I don't."

"Really? Well, it's because-"

"Hey, Rainbow! Hey, Anon..."

"Hey Twi," we both say at the same time, before looking at each other in confusion.

Rainbow zooms past her purple friend and starts hovering lazily in the middle of the room. "We need your balloon and a cloud walking potion. Anon's coming with me to see the Wonderbolts performing in Cloudsdale this Sunday."

I nod to Twilight. "Yeah, she invited me."

Rainbow smirks at me. "And as you know, he's a glorious faggot, but he's not winged."

Both Twilight and I stare at her. "What?"

"Nothing, c'mon Twi! We're already behind schedule!" she says as she flies around in a circle to emphasize her point.

I don't have anything planned for today, and I don't think Rainbow does, either, but Twilight can quickly become insufferable, and everypony knows it. As much as I like spending time with her, a few minutes can quickly turn into hours as she loses track of time and starts asking me a thousand questions about Earth and the human race, most of which I don't even have a proper answer to.
And while I'm a jerk, I'm not enough of a jerk to simply tell her to shut the hell up and let me go home. Or am I? It would be worth a try... next time.

Twilight rolls her eyes at our antics and trots up the stairs. When she's out of hearing range, I grin at Rainbow Dash.

"It's funny to be called a faggot by you, of all ponies."

She frowns and crosses her front hooves. "Hey, I'm not a faggot!"

"Yeah, yeah... look at you, you're a walking, talking, flying rainbow! And I never saw you with a stallion."

"I... I never saw you with a mare, either," she 'counters'.

"Because I don't fuck horses."

"Neither do I!"

"But I'm a human, you virgin horse."

"I'm not a horse! And you're a faggot."

"You didn't deny being a virgin."

A door opens and a green fireball rips through the air, crashing through a nearby window and shattering it as a very angry Spike glares at us with a large tub of ice cream in his hands. "YOU'RE BOTH VIRGIN FAGGOTS, NOW SHUT UP AND LET ME WATCH TV!"

He walks back into his room, slamming the door behind him. God, I fucking hate Spike now... ever since he entered teenagehood, he became a complete and utter asshole. Seriously, at his best he's worse than I am.

At least it was worth it... if not only to witness him thrashing Rarity's boutique after he had finally realized she had been using him for years.

Payback's a motherfucker, ain't it? nyuggah

Twilight comes back with a small bottle. "Here, that's a potion of cloud walking. Drink the whole thing and you'll be able to walk on clouds for eighteen hours."

I smile at her and pat her on the head before putting the small vial in my pocket. "Sweet! Thanks, Twi."

"No problem. Just drop by Sunday morning and I'll let you borrow the balloon. I'll also have to show you how to operate it, but don't worry, it's very simple."

"Thanks, seriously. You will never be best princess, but you're up there."

"Uh... thank you?"

"Don't mention it." I turn around and open the door, ready to leave.

"Wait, Anon!"

"Yeah?"

"Are you free, Saturday night?"

Rainbow Dash starts giggling. "Oh, you're asking him out on a date, huh Twilight?"

The purple mare starts blushing profusely. "No! But I've been writing an essay about humans, and I needed to-"

"Dash! Tactical retreat, now!"

"Copy that," she says before backflipping through the closest (now broken) window as I start moonwalking out of the tree housing Twilight's library.

"ANON! COME BACK HERE OR I'LL TURN YOU INTO A REAL MONKEY!" the alicorn shrieks.

I turn around start running after Rainbow. "Sorry Twilight! Time for radio silence, out!"

She starts fuming as she futilely tries to grab me in her magenta grip. Sometimes, being immune to regular magic is useful... but it's mostly scary. I mean, what if I ever get seriously injured and need medical assistance? All pony doctors are unicorns. They can magic objects around me, and presumably inside me, but that's still something that scares me.
Maybe Zecora has healing potions and stuff... potions work on me, for some reason.

Magic is weird.

An hour later, Rainbow Dash and I are sitting at a table, on the terrace of some café in the middle of Ponyville. We both have large plates filled to the brim with unhealthy food in front of us.

"So, Dash, what are you doing today?"

"I have a very busy schedule," she answers, grinning as she bites into her hayburger.

"Oh... so you're just gonna fly up to your usual cloud and sleep through the afternoon?"

She swallows and frowns. "Am I that predictable?"

I deadpan. "Honestly, yes... man, I love these fries! Why the hell do you guys even have hay fries when normal, potato fries also exist?"

"I don't know," she shrugs. "Hay fries are good, too. Ponies like hay."

"I guess... shit, I'd kill for a good T-bone right now," I sigh dreamily, seriously missing meat after having been forced to be a 'vegetarian' for nearly a year. Fish hardly counts as meat...

"What's that?"

"A large piece of meat."

She winces in disgust, before putting on a shit-eating grin. "Oh... you're a kinky boy, Anon."

"Damn it, Dash!" I say, exasperated.
Seriously, making sexual comments about everything and nothing is my thing. Mine. Well, it used to be... but now it's hers. I wonder which one of us needs to get laid the most.
Me, probably.

"Will you ever stop with that?"

"No."

"Yeah, I figured as much. So, while your lazy butt is snoring on a cloud, what can I do? I mean, is there anything to do around here? I'm so bored these days, seriously."

She raises an eyebrow as she swallows another mouthful of hay-based stuff. "Why don't you go pay Applejack a visit?"

"That's not a good idea. She's still pissed at me, I think."

"For what?"

"You remember Pinkie's party like two months ago or so? The one with a bunch of stallions who were having a drinking contest just outside the barn?"

"Yeah, we sure showed them! After an hour or so, it was only you, me and AJ."

"Yeah, until you passed out in your own puke... being a pegasus and everything. But Applejack and I kept going, and even though I told her to stop because she was just not going to win, you know how she is... she just wouldn't listen. Thankfully, she passed out like two shots later."

Rainbow pours herself a glass of water with a greasy hoof as she wipes her mouth with an even greasier hoof, sending a few bits of half-chewed hay my way. Man, is she a messy eater...

no boner pls stay down

"So that's why she's pissed at you? Because you beat her in a drinking contest?"

"Not exactly... the morning after, she kept saying that I cheated and used a potion of soberness or something, and she challenged me to another night of drinking, this time only the two of us. With Everfree Clear."

Rainbow's eyes widen. "She didn't do that?"

"She did. Once again I tried to reason her, I told her it was a really stupid idea, what with her being a female and over a hundred pounds lighter than me and everything, she would just not win no matter what, but... well, you know AJ. Long story short, I won again, and according to Celestia, she's lucky to be alive."

"What? You mean, that time she was in a coma for three days and nearly died... it was because of that?"

"Yeah," I answer flatly. "So she's pissed at me for beating her twice and nearly getting her killed. Like I had a choice... she can be real persuasive when she wants to. But that scared her pretty bad, she even considered stopping the production of hard cider back then."

"She what?" the pegasus nearly screams, her eyes filled with worry.

"Hey don't freak out, she didn't. She considered it. Her cider is way too popular anyway, she wouldn't ruin her business like that."

A waiter approaches and levitates two cups of coffee on our table as I give Rainbow a bored look.

"So, any idea what I could do, other than visiting Applejack?"

"Not really... um... oh, I know! Why don't you go help the Crusaders with their cutie mark stuff?" she says, apparently being serious.

"Hey! Just because I could hypothetically be held responsible for Applebutt risking her life doesn't mean I wanna go ahead and risk mine!"

"Ah, come on, Anon! They're not that bad, they're just a little... hyper. But they're good kids."

"I know, but still... they're a little too hyper for me. And speaking of that, Scootaloo came to visit me this morning."

"Really? What did she want?"

"She asked me to..." I trail off, remembering that I'm not supposed to tell her about that. "She asked me to help her with something."

Rainbow gives me an uninterested smile. "Really? That's cool, I guess. I think she really likes you."

"Yeah, that she does..."

"Aren't you a bit too old for her, though?" she asks playfully with a large grin plastered on her face.

I just shrug. "You tell her about that. But you can't really blame her, I mean, who wouldn't want a piece of that?" I ask, getting up and pointing a finger at my ass.
Damn, one of these days I'm gonna end up breaking my own fag-o-meter.

"I wouldn't," she says, feigning a retch.

"Well, no shit. I'm a male."

She frowns. "Not this again! You're the faggot here, I told you already."

The waiter comes back and raises an eyebrow at me and Rainbow 'fighting'. After handing him a few bits, I get up and give Rainbow a hand.

"You gotta stop eating so much... are you even gonna be able to fly up to your cloud?"

"Shut up," she pouts.

"Love you too, Dash."

Man, I'm so fucking bored. I've literally been walking around town for the past three hours, and I still didn't find one single thing to do.
Fucking Equestria.

I sigh as I walk past Twilight's library. Looking at the dense canopy makes me remember that I needed a potion of some kind to get rid of all the tall grass in my backyard. Heh... might as well ask her now.

Gently knocking on the door, I cross my arms and wait. And wait. And wait again.

Goddammit.

As I'm about to kick the door open, the closest window opens and a strange flying thing comes out of it. It looks like some kind of owl... It lands on my shoulder and cocks its head. "Woo?"

"What?"

"Woo?"

"Uh... I'm Anonymous. What's up with you?"

"Woo."

I frown. "What do you mean, who?"

"Woo?"

"Your mom."

"WOO!" the owl 'says', before wingslapping me.

"MOTHERFUCKIN-"

"ANON!" Twilight shouts, her head peeking through the open window as the scared owl flies away. "What did I tell you about swearing?"

I stare at her stupidly. "Nothing at all, actually. You probably just assumed I would try not to swear too much in front of ponies or something, which is stupid of you," I frown, shaking a finger in a disapproving manner. "Assumption is the mother of all fuck ups."

She shakes her head in disapproval, trying hard to remain calm. She closes the window and opens the door, before stepping outside. "We need to talk."

"Hey, I just wanted to ask you for a weed killer of some sort, but if you're gonna start asking me about humans, or lecture me about my language and shit, fuck it, I'm going home."

She frowns and uses her magic to literally rip off a cubic meter of dirt and grass from the ground under my feet, levitating it, and inevitably myself along with it.

I let out a very unmanly shriek as I fall on my ass. "TWILIGHT! DAMN IT, FUCKING STOP THIS! I SWEAR I WILL- ARGH! WHAT THE FUCK!" I scream in terror as she levitates the cube of terrain several feet into the air.

She gives me a shit-eating grin as I grab the edges of the 'ground', hovering about ten feet above the actual ground, holding on for dear life.

"So... can we talk? Do you have time?"

"YES! YES, I DO, YES, WE CAN TALK! WE CAN TALK ALL YOU WANT! PLEASE JUST GET ME THE FUCK DOWN! PLEASE!"

Her smile not faltering, she lowers me and the piece of ground before shaking it violently in her magical grip, eventually throwing me off it, and into her living room. Holy shit, as soon as I manage to get up, she's so dead.

Her horn flashes one last time as the ground seemingly mends itself back together, and she closes the door. "So, I wanted to know if-"

I cut her off, pouncing her with inhuman swiftness and strength, slamming the back of her skull against the cold, hard floor. "I AM SO GONNA KILL YOU RIGHT NOW! I'M GONNA KILL YOU SO MUCH YOU'RE GONNA DIE!"

She deadpans, apparently unimpressed, and something hits me in the back of the head before I can strangle her. I wince, still glaring angrily. "YOU CAN BASH THE FUCK OUT O' ME ALL YOU WANT, FRIEND, FOR I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I TAKE COMFORT IN THE FACT THAT I, MATE, AM ETERN-" I'm cut off as she teleports away, and I slam face first into the wooden floor. I let out a deep, pained groan, and make a mental note to tell Celestia about death penalty, before killing Spike and framing Twilight for it.

She gives me a hoof as I get up, snorting loudly and rubbing my sore nose. Giving me a sheepish smile, she sits down and levitates a small cup of tea in my hand. "You didn't think your immunity to magic would stop me, did you?"

I take a sip and sigh heavily. "I'm hating you so much right now, you know? My hate for you has just grown from moderate to biblical. See, I'm dealing with shit on a whole 'nother level. Y'all can't even fathom the level that I'm on."

"I suppose I can't," she says in a neutral tone, oblivious to how troubled I currently am. "So... as I was about to say, or rather ask... I was wondering if humans went through estrus as well?"

I put the cup down and (gently) pinch the bridge of my nose. "Can't you just let me kill you?"

She deadpans.

"Can you at least kill me, then?"

"No, Anon. Answer the question."

"Fine... yes, they do, every Monday between seven and nine in the morning."

She raises an eyebrow and stares at my unwavering poker face, before nodding and writing something down.

"Next one, um... how big is an average human's penis?"

"Seventy feet."

"Seventy... don't you mean seventeen?"

"Yeah, sure."

"But, still..." She keeps staring at me. "Seventeen feet?"

"Give or take half a kilometer."

She groans, throwing her little clipboard aside. "Anon, I told you to-" she's interrupted by a knock on the door. Shrugging, she gets up and opens it, revealing Scootaloo.

"Hey, Twilight!"

"Hello, Scootaloo. What are you doing here?"

The little filly walks past Twilight and looks around, eventually spotting me. "Anon! What are you doing here?"

"What are you doing here?" I reply in confusion.

Scootaloo looks at me, then at Twilight. "What are you doing here, Twilight?"

"I live here," the mare replies, deadpanning.

"Oh."

Suddenly, I have an idea. I point a finger behind Twilight and scream. "HOLY SHIT, IT'S PRINCESS CELESTIA!"

While the purple alicorn is busy panicking, sorting papers and levitating several broomsticks and shit, I get up and sprint towards the door, swooping up Scootaloo under my arm as I go. "RETREAT, RETREAT! GO! GO! GO!"

I manage to run a few hundred yards away from the library, panting heavily as I lay Scootaloo down on the ground. "Thanks... Scoots... you... saved me..."

Still confused by what just happened, she frowns. "Saved you from what?"

"Twilight... torturing me... for... information..."

She raises an eyebrow. "Why would she do that?"

"Fucking... nerd... piece of... shit..."

"Uh... she's a princess, you know."

"I know..." I wipe the sweat off my brow. "Aw, man! I need to go home. My head hurts..." I sigh again, finally catching my breath. "And to think I thought she sucked at magic... what a cheeky little cunt."

"Anon?"

"What?"

"I'm going back there, I didn't ask her..."

I raise an eyebrow. "Ask her what? Oh, you mean... yeah no, we're cool. I went this morning and asked her, everything is alright. She's gonna let us borrow her balloon, and she gave me a potion that will allow me to walk on clouds. Rainbow invited me, too, so I'll have to tag along anyway."

She starts jumping around happily. "Really? That's gonna be so cool! My favorite human and my favorite pony going to see the Wonderbolts with me!"

"Yeah, I guess..." I trail off, looking at the two fillies in the distance, trotting down the dirt path leading to my house. "Well Scoots, I gotta go."

She grabs my leg with her forehooves. "Wait!"

"What?"

"Can I come with you? I... uh... I'd like a milk, if that's okay with you," she says, giving me the cutest puppy dog eyes she can muster. Did she take lessons from Fluttershy or what?

"You finally acknowledged the master race, huh? Sure then, let's go."

"YES!" she shrieks and jumps, her wings flapping hard as she manages to hover about seven feet into the air for a few seconds, before landing on my head.

Still can't figure these ponies out, but at least they're cute. Well, some of them are.

I open my door and freeze up, glaring at the two fillies sitting on my couch. "ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS? LIKE, HOLY SHIT, ARE YOU BEING ENTIRELY FUCKING SERIOUS AT THIS PARTICULAR MOMENT IN TIME?" I scream in disbelief.

Diamond Tiara gives me a sheepish smile while Silver Spoon simply stares at me. "It... it was open," the pink filly says.

I take a long, deep breath, trying to contain myself. Today has been a boring and stressful day, and it's not over yet.

"Get out of my house, please."

Silver Spoon shrugs, giving her friend a 'well, we tried' kind of look but otherwise not moving. Diamond jumps off the couch and takes a few steps towards me, noticing Scootaloo hiding behind my leg, scared by my outburst. "What's that blank flank doing here?"

The pegasus filly frowns and slams her forehead against Diamond's. "I'm not gonna let you insult me, not anymore!"

"I'll insult you if I want, I don't need your permission to-"

I grab Diamond by the neck and bring her up to eye level, silencing her. "No, for real. Get out of my house or I'll throw you and your friend in the trash can. I swear to God, I'll do it."

"But I-"

"I didn't empty it in two days."

"What? I don't-"

"I ate fish yesterday."

"I-"

"With onions."

She freezes up. "Fine. Put me down."

I comply and she nods to Silver Spoon, who jumps off the couch and follows her pink friend out of my house. Diamond shoots me one last glance, her ears lowered. Is she sad or something?

That's one thing I'll never understand... Those ponies know what I like, and what I hate, but some of them will automatically do what I hate, and then act all sorry and shit about it, invariably making me feel guilty for having reacted the way I did.
That's a whole new kind of evil.

"What time is it?" Scootaloo asks lazily, a bag of chips in hoof.

I take a quick glance at the clock and answer with a mouthful of carrot sticks, "ten thirty."

"In the evening?"

I give her my best 'u srs' face. She shrugs and downs another hoofful of chips. Why the hell am I even eating carrots?

"Shouldn't you be home already?" I ask her, realizing that ten in the evening is way past her usual bedtime. At least I assume it is.

"Huh? Nah, my parents... they don't care. They're probably not even home... they never are."

I feel a little sad for her... I had clingy, annoying parents when I was a kid and I often wished I could be left alone, but she really seems to be lonely.

"This movie is boring," she says nonchalantly.

"You wanna watch something else?" I ask. She's right, it's pretty boring. It's supposed to be some kind of romantic drama or some shit but really it's just some guy horse being a cunt and a girl horse PMS'ing all over the place.

She shrugs. "I don't know... why don't we go for a walk? I feel like getting some air."

It's my turn to shrug. "Huh? Sure... lemme clean up a bit."
I turn the TV off and get up, bringing some stuff back into the kitchen, simply throwing it in the sink, not bothering to clean it or anything. I can always do that later... or tomorrow. Or the next week... whatever. Did I mention how lazy I am?

"Where do you wanna go?" I ask Scootaloo as she jumps happily next to me.

"Dunno. How about a trip in the Everfree forest?"

I raise an eyebrow. "Are you serious? It's way too dangerous, Scoots."

She leaps onto my shoulders and gives me a smirk. "Are you a chicken, Anon?"

"No, but you're with me right now, so that makes me responsible for whatever might happen to your orange ass. And if anything does happens to you, then it's my ass is on the line. I rather like my ass the way it is, and I'm not entirely sure I'm also immune to Sunbutt's magic, even though it would make sense. And I sure as hell don't want to find out after having been held responsible for your death."

She crosses her forehooves, almost falling off me in the process. After regaining her balance, she simply pouts. "You're no fun... and why do you always call the princess Sunbutt?"

"Because she has a sun on her butt."

"Oh... then why don't you call other ponies like that?"

"Who says I don't?"

"You do? How do you call Rainbow Dash then? Uh... Cloudbutt? Lightningbutt?"

"I actually like to call her a faggot. I never really thought about a butt name for her though... Bluebutt would work, probably."

"How do you call other ponies?"

"Well, there's Applebutt, Balloonbutt, Magicbutt, Gembutt, Butterbutt..."

"What about the other princesses? Princess Luna is Moonbutt?"

"Obviously."

"And Princess Cadance?"

"Lovebutt."

"...Shining Armor?"

"Uh... Shieldbutt?"

Giving butt names to every pony we can think of is actually a decent pastime, because I just realized we were already walking through the clearing leading to the Everfree forest. We can always take a quick peek, right? It's not like we're gonna get attacked and disemboweled by some kind of abomination a couple of feet inside the damn thing... is it?

"Queen Chrysalis?"

"She doesn't even have a cutie mark... urgh... Cheesebutt? Holebutt?"

"Butthole?"

We both start laughing, oblivious to the slithering beast lurking behind a bush as we enter the Everfree itself.

"Discord?"

"Frankenbutt?"

"Franken? What's that?"

"Really, you guys don't have the horse pun equivalent of Frankenstein?"

"Uh? No, we-" Scootaloo freezes up all of a sudden, giving me a worried look. "Anon?"

"Hm?"

"Did you hear that?"

"Hear what?"

"T-that... I don't know, some kind of clucking sound..."

"Yeah. That's probably you being a chicken."

"S-shut up! You were the one who didn't want to come here in the first place!"

"Because you could get hurt! I don't... wait, what is that sound?" I look around in apprehension, trying to remember if Twilight ever told me about chickens living in the Everfree.

"Told you! Anon... I'm scared..."

Something pops out of a bush behind Scootaloo and I raise an eyebrow at it. "What the hell is this?"

The little filly turns around slowly, and lets out a shriek when she sees the creature standing before her. "RUN!" she screams, taking off and flying for a few feet before dropping back to the ground and galloping as fast as her legs will carry her.

Watching her run away, I fearfully turn around and get a good look at the monster. What is that thing? Red-eyed chicken with dragon wings and a serpentine body?

Nope.
Fuck this shit, I'm outta here.

Before I can start running, the creature's body wraps around my foot and I trip, kissing the dirt with a grunt.

I get up and glare angrily at the chicken-snake thing, ignoring the tingling sensation in the soles of my feet as well as its body slowly wrapping itself around my shins. "Oh, it's on now."

I reach for it and grab it by a wing, disrupting its stare and slamming its face hard against the ground. "You read the Bible? 'Cause there's this passage I've got memorized."

"ANON!" Scootaloo's voice fills my ears. "RUN! RUUUUN!"

"Go back home, Scootaloo. I'm just gonna get me some KFC." I roll up my sleeves and punch the creature in the face.

"It's a cockatrice, don't look at it! Run! It'll turn you into stone!"

"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides-"

"ANON! ANOTHER ONE, ON YOUR LEFT!"

"Huh?" I look to my left and see yet another 'cockatrice'. "Scootaloo, go home, damn it! You're attracting all the chickens."

"FUCK YOU, ANON!"

"I'm serious though, go home before..." I trail off, noticing that my right hand is slowly turning gray. "Huh?"

"RUN!"

"No! Quit interrupting me, dammit!" I tighten my grip on the cockatrice's wing and drag its face along the dirt. "BLESSED IS HE, WHO IN THE NAME OF CHARITY AND GOOD WILL-"

"THE OTHER ONE'S ATTACKING!"

I sigh. Those weird things could barely match my height if they stood upright, they're not exactly intimidating. I grab the other cockatrice by the neck and slam its face into the ground as well, the gray hue on my hand slowly receding.

Looking at both cockatrices, both bruised and one of them with a sprained wing, I shrug and raise my foot, ready to give one of them the coup de grâce. "AND YOU WILL KNOW MY NAME IS ANONYMOUS WHEN I LAY MY SHITPOST UPON-" I'm cut off as a bright blue flash of light blinds me, making me fall backwards.

I rub my eyes and blink at the dark blue alicorn standing before me. "Luna?"

"ANONYMOUS! WHAT DOST THOU THINK THOU ART DOING?"

"Uh... I'm making some fried chicken?"

"THOU WILL NOT KILL AN INNOCENT CREATURE."

"Innocent?"

Luna spreads her wings and her eyes light up, glowing white. "KILLING IS AGAINST THE LAW."

"I betrayed the law!"

"AAAAAAH!" she screams before blasting me with a beam of magic, which harmlessly ricochets off my chest, and hits a cockatrice, turning it into a fine red mist.

I take a step back, in shock and disgust. "WHY THE FUCK'D YOU DO THAT?" I shriek as the other cockatrice scampers off with a whining sound. Here goes my first real meal in over a year...

"HOW? HOW DID OUR MAGIC REFLECT OFF THY BODY, ANONYMOUS?"

"My body was ready."

"WHAT DOST THOU MEAN?"

"Nothing. I'm just immune to magic. Didn't you know?"

The Princess of the Night looks around fearfully, shaking her head. "Thou hast made us kill an innocent creature! Thou... thou art a monster!"

I raise my hands in defense. "Hey, you're the one who just tried to fuck me up! I was attacked by these chicken things, all I did was retaliate."

"We... we suppose thou art right. We understand. We would appreciate it if thou did not speak of this incident to our sister."

"Sure."

She blushes and looks away. "Art thou in pain? Has any part of thy body turned to stone?"

I look at my hands, back to their usual pale beige hue. "No, I think I'm good... thanks, Luna. You made me lose my lunch but you're still best princess, I think."

Her blush intensifies as she suddenly finds the ground very interesting. "Thanks, Anonymous... we could, um... make thee rock hard, if thou know what we mean."

I strain to maintain a good poker face. "Nope, no idea what you're talking about. Come back in my dreams tonight if you want, but right now I gotta get home," I say quickly, running back the way I came in. Luna is creepy as fuck.

So apparently I'm also immune to Luna's magic... she's an alicorn, Celestia's can't be different, right? At least it must mean Moonbutt can't visit my dreams, because if she can... oh well, she'll probably be the one wishing she hadn't.

"Come on Scoots, let's go home," I say, looking around before realizing that the filly is gone.
Goddammit...

After an uneventful trip back home, I clean up a bit and lazily walk upstairs, dropping onto my bed and falling asleep almost as soon as my head hits the pillow.

Five days later...

"So, Anon! What did you think? Were they awesome or what?"

"Did you like it? Oh my Gosh oh my Gosh, that was the best thing ever!"

"Girls, calm down! Yes, it was pretty good... and damn, Soarin' is hot."

"HA! I knew you were a faggot!"

"You know Dash, I'd tell you to suck me off right now, if you weren't a faggot yourself."

Scootaloo jabs me in the leg with a hoof. "Can't you two stop arguing for five minutes?"

I frown at Rainbow Dash. "Sure, we can. Just get her to acknowledge she's a bigger faggot than me."

"What's a faggot? I don't even know what it means," the filly says, visibly tired of our shit.

In an impressive display of maturity and wit, I point at the self-proclaimed fastest flyer in Equestria. "This is a faggot."

Scootaloo shrugs. "Well, if Rainbow Dash is the definition of a faggot, then I suppose you can't be as much of a faggot as her, right?"

I smirk and nudge Rainbow's side with an elbow. "See? Straight from the horse's mouth."

Rainbow rolls her eyes and flies ahead of us, heading towards the place where I 'parked' Twilight's balloon. It has some kind of magical anchor able to stick to clouds, somehow... magic is all sorts of fucked up.

The little filly jumps on my shoulders and smiles. "I love how you always act like a foal. You're so immature, yet when you have to, you can behave like an adult. It's pretty rare, though."

"You what? I'll deck you in, bruv."

She squees. "See?"

"What I see is that-" I trip and fall forward, my leg sinking through the thin cloud I'm currently walking on. Shit's uneven, yo. "Fuck's sake," I mutter under my breath before grabbing Scootaloo's hoof as she helps me getting back up.

"You alright there, big fella?"

I turn around and jump, barely suppressing a fanboy squee. "Soarin'?"

"That's me," the pegasus says proudly. "You enjoyed our show?"

"You bet your sweet ass I did!"

He smiles and blushes slightly. "Say... you wanna go for a few drinks?"

I blink twice, my body was not exactly ready for that. "Uh... I don't know, I..." as I try to formulate a proper answer, I realize that I'm now 'standing' at eye level with the Wonderbolt. "WOAH WHAT THE HELL?"

Scootaloo raises an eyebrow. "Uh, Anon? Where are your legs?"

"WHAT? WHAT'S GOING ON? OH SHIT!" I scream in horror as I realize the cloud walking potion is starting to fail me.

"ANON WHAT'S WRONG?"

"I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP!" I unnecessarily shout, before my entire body starts sinking through the cloud. "FUUUUUUCK!"

"NOOOO!"

"FUCKING TWILIGHT SPARKLE!" is the last thing I remember saying before fainting from fear, my unconscious body plummeting over a thousand feet to my doom.

A violent slap to the face wakes me up as I start coughing up water.

"ANON! How are you? Are you alright?" a somewhat familiar voice shrieks. Opening my eyes with difficulty, I look up, only to see a pink blue-eyed filly.

I struggle to sit up, coughing up another lungful of water before looking around in horror. I'm lying down on the cold marble floor, in front of a giant mansion, next to a huge swimming pool, and there is water everywhere... and Diamond Tiara is sitting on my chest.

"Urgh... am I in Hell already?"

"I'm so glad you're alive!" another familiar voice booms from behind me. Soarin' walks up to me and nudges my head. "I can't believe you survived that fall!"

"What fall? What happened exactly?" I ask groggily, not remembering much.

"You started sinking through a cloud and you fell off Cloudsdale!"

My thoughts race as I start remembering what happened. "Holy shit! I... how did I survive?"

The light blue stallion rubs the back of his head. "Well, um... I tried to catch you, but you were too heavy and you were falling way too fast, so... I couldn't do much... but you landed here, in the water."

I raise an eyebrow at the hundred feet wide swimming pool next to me. "I landed in there? Just how deep is that thing?"

Diamond nudges me with a hoof, a smug grin upon her face. "Sixty-five feet! The second deepest in all of Equestria."

"Shit..." I sigh and try to move a bit, my joints cracking loudly. "How comes I didn't drown?"

"I landed a few seconds after you and managed to get you out of the water pretty fast." Soarin' says proudly.

Part of me really wants to know how I didn't simply die. I mean, when you're when falling at what I assume was terminal velocity, or close to it, landing in water isn't too different from landing on hard ground. I should be dead, or at least severely injured. But then this world seems to operate based on cartoon physics, so who knows... and maybe the atmosphere is thicker or some shit? After all, how else could pegasi fly with such a small wingspan? And how else could Pinkie bounce the way she does?
Why am I even trying to make sense out of this horseshit?

"Oh... well, thanks for saving me, I guess..." I trail off, looking at the filly sitting on me.

"My dad's gonna be furious, you emptied half of the pool..."

I give Soarin' a desperate look. "On second thought... I hate you for saving me. Please, finish me off."

"C'mon, Anon, don't be a foal," Diamond says, frowning. "I thought this was pretty cool."

"What? Me dropping from the sky to a certain death was cool?"

She rolls her eyes. "No, but... well, you cheated death, you fell at speeds so high that you would have made Rainbow Dash jealous, and you still survived... and when you landed, you practically created a tsunami! You made a bigger splash than a full grown dragon doing a cannonball. It was really impressive."

"Diamond, I know you're used to brag about shit you didn't work to achieve, and therefore should not be proud of, but I didn't exactly do that on purpose, so it's just dumb luck. It's not impressive."

"Actually, it is," Soarin' says, putting a hoof on my shoulder. "I know you have nothing to brag about and I know it was pure luck, but that didn't make it look any less impressive."

"Ah, whatever... you're still up for some drinks?"

"Nah, I gotta get back... Spitfire's gonna whip my ass if I don't! I mean..."

Diamond Tiara turns red as I facepalm.
Fucking BDSM ponies...

"Fine, later then."

He takes off and disappears from view in a couple of seconds. Man, Soarin' kinda sucks, after all... I guess shit like this is why it's better to never really get to know those you admire.
Wait, no, fuck that. This is all Twilight's fault. She can't even make a working potion, I'm so gonna go and kill her tomorrow. This time I swear I'll do it for real.

I turn to Diamond. "Can you help me? I need to get back home! I need a change of clothes, I need... ah, man, I need a drink. Or rather, a lot of drinks..."

She shakes her head in disapproval. "No, you need some rest. Your home is like a mile away, you should stay here tonight."

I raise an eyebrow. "Stay where? In your mansion?"

She blushes. "Um... yeah. You need to rest, and your home is like, far from here. You can rest here, I'll take care of you, I promise."

"Woah... alright." I get up without too much trouble, and follow the filly down the wide cobblestone path leading to her manor. "Your dad is okay with me being here?"

"He's... he's away for tonight."

"Oh. And the servants?"

"They're under my orders, since daddy is away."

"Cool..." I say, trying hard not to think about the horrors a pony being under Diamond Tiara's orders could possibly perpetrate.

"Here," she says, guiding me up a large flight of stairs, "just lay on the bed and rest up. I'll make you a sandwich."

Now this is suspicious... "Say, Diamond..."

"Yeah?" she inquires, blushing a bit.

"When did you stop being an annoying twat and became a nice filly?"

She frowns, but her blush deepens. "J-just shut up and lay down."

"Shitf, tshish a gfreath sfandfitsch!" I 'say', spitting crumbs at Diamond, who's looking at me in awe. I hope for her sake she never witnesses Rainbow Dash's eating manners...

"Thanks, I guess... how do you like my room?"

"Schich isch your shroofm?" I 'ask', biting hungrily into the sandwich before having even swallowed my current mouthful.

"Yes. And I decorated it myself!"

I take a moment to look around, and frown at the various posters, apparently representing mainstream bands and singers. 'Pone Direction', 'My Magical Romance'... ew. I shudder and finish my sandwich, before leaning back onto the bed, stretching my arms.

"Thanks, Diamond, seriously... I kinda like you when you're not being a bitch."

"I'm not a bitch!"

"Sometimes you are."

"Am not!"

"Whatever. I wonder if Scootaloo is okay..."

"Why would you think about her?"

I gawk at her. "Why wouldn't I? She's my friend, and I kinda... well, I left through the ground at a hundred miles an hour, and I didn't tell her goodbye or anything. That's not very friendly."

Diamond harrumphs. "Meh... so how was that stupid show?"

"It was pretty good, in fact," I reply, frowning. "Do you have a bathroom or something? I could use a shower."

She shrugs and leads me into the bathroom, staying in as I strip naked.

"Uh... do you mind? Privacy, hello?"

"No, I don't mind. You can get naked, don't worry."

"...ooookay. But I do mind, so please, get the fuck out?"

"I-I can help you wash your back!"

"No need, thank you very much," I say, hiding my junk with one hand and pushing the filly out of the room with the other, before closing the door.

"Why do you even wear clothes?" she asks through the door.

"Because!"

"Because of what?"

"Diamond, I swear I'll throw you in your own trash can."

"Fine!" she replies angrily, her hoofsteps echoing through the entire house as she makes her way down the marble stairs.

After spending half an hour drying myself (fucking pony-sized towels), I walk out of the bathroom and back into Diamond's room, where an unexpected sight startles me. Scootaloo and Diamond herself are arguing over a brick of milk.

"It's his milk! That means he'd want me to drink it!"

"I saved him, you can't even fly so he'd have died if it were only for you! I deserve his milk!"

I put my arms akimbo and clear my throat. Both fillies freeze up and give me blank stares.

"What's going on here? And why is Scootaloo here? AND WHO THE FUCK TOUCHED MY MILK?"

"I..." Scootaloo trails off, giving Diamond an angry glare. "I was so scared when you fell, so Rainbow and I immediately jumped in Twilight's balloon and all, but then Soarin' followed us and told us about what happened, and that you were alright, so I wanted to have a sleepover with you, figuring that you wouldn't want to be alone or anything, and then I couldn't find you at your home, so I thought you were still under the shock and probably stayed at Diamond's house, so here I am. And I brought you lots of milk."

"Uh... okay?" I look at her, my facial expression probably somewhere in between '...riiiight.' and '[what the fucks internally]'.

"But Diamond Tiara wants to drink your milk! And I said she doesn't deserve it, because-"

"How about you two stop arguing for a second? We could even have a sleepover together, the three of us! Maybe it could be fun if the two of you could just stop arguing. Seriously, you're worse than Rainbow and me," I pat both their heads and sit down in between them. "What time is it?"

Diamond points a hoof at the clock on the wall. "Nine, already? It was still daylight outside like half an hour ago!"

Scootaloo shrugs. "Well, yes! Princess Celestia lowers the Sun at eight thirty."

Right. I don't think I'll ever get used to that.

"So..." Diamond starts, "can we have a sleepover if we stop arguing?"

"Sure, I guess," I reply, wondering how the hell those two could possibly manage not to insult each other for more than a few minutes.

"You're lucky my dad isn't here, Scootaloo. He would never have let you stay in his house."

"Nopony cares about your dad."

"NOPONY CARES ABOUT YOU! And I bet you don't even have a dad!"

"GIRLS, SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

They both look at me in perfect silence. Does telling them to shut up actually work?

"So, why don't we play something?"

Scootaloo, sitting on my right, lays a hoof on my thigh lazily. "Yeah but what?"

Diamond Tiara, sitting on my left, lays a hoof of her own on my other thigh, glaring at Scootaloo. "Why don't we play truth or dare?"

Scootaloo and I exchange weird, 'fookin ell m8 u trip' kind of looks. "Say what now?"

"Ew, Diamond, that's sick!" Scootaloo says in disgust, though with a faint blush on her face. "I don't wanna have to tell you anything... or do anything with you."

Diamond's eyes narrow dangerously as her mouth contorts into a smug grin. "Why not? Are you too much of a chicken?"

I sigh and bury my head in my hands, knowing full well what's about to happen.

"Nopony calls me a chicken! Let's do it, I'll show you!" the young pegasus screams as she leans on my thigh, her death glare actually making Diamond Tiara shiver.

I'm not afraid of Scootaloo, but damn, I wouldn't ever call her a chicken. I mean, I already did but... whatever, fuck you.

"Anon, you're playing too. You and I, we're gonna show daddy's little girl that we're better than her! Right?"

I raise an uninterested eyebrow. "How do you prove somepony you're better than them by playing truth or dare?"

She gives me a creepy smile. "I know just the way."

"Uh... well, okay then. Who's first?"

The pink filly leans onto my other thigh, bumping muzzles with Scootaloo. "I'll start! Scootaloo, truth or dare?"

"T-truth."

"Ah, I knew it! You're a ch-"

I clamp Diamond's muzzle shut with a hand and glare at her. "I still haven't emptied my trash can. Week-old fish leftovers. Want me to take you back to my place?"

She scowls at me and pushes against my hand with both front hooves. I let go off her muzzle and cross my arms, awaiting what is probably gonna be the stupidest thing I'll have heard so far this evening.

"Scootaloo. Have you ever had a wet dream?"

I raise another eyebrow as Scootaloo's face turns dark red. "I-I... No!"

"Remember, Scoots, you have to tell the truth," I grin at her, ruffling her mane.

"I... No, I never did!" she says, embarrassment obvious on her face.

Diamond shoots me an inquiring glance, which I answer with a shrug. "Alright, whatever. Your turn, Scootaloo," she says, spitting her name out.

"Diamond Tiara! Truth or dare?"

The pink filly puts on another one of her trademark smug grins, and answers confidently, "Dare."

"I dare you to kiss my hooves."

"What?" Diamond turns livid, color literally draining from her face as she stares at Scootaloo, who is now sporting a Chesire cat-like grin.

"Kiss my hooves, or you lose."

"I... I will so make you pay for this," she says, putting as much hate as she can into her tone.

I watch, amused, as Diamond Tiara actually plants two soft kisses on Scootaloo's front hooves. I'm not sure if that shit is stupid, weird, wrong, or all three, but it sure beats watching them argue. Heh, maybe this evening won't suck as much as I thought...

Scootaloo smiles at me while Diamond Tiara is busy trying to scrub her lips. "It's your turn, Anon."

"Because now I'm playing too? Fine... truth. Hell, give me two, both of you ask me something. I'm bored anyway," I say flatly, not even bothering to feign interest. Maybe I could try to say something that would shock them so they'd want to stop playing?
Oh Anon, you crafty motherfucker you.

For the first time in... history, they both look at each other without a hint of hate or malice. They're just looking at each other. Diamond rubs her chin with a hoof, before whispering something in Scootaloo's ear. I raise an eyebrow as the orange filly's grin gets wider. This cannot be good.

"Are you gay?" Diamond asks, her grin still not faltering.

I stare blankly at her. "Uh... no?"

"You keep saying Soarin' is hot," Scootaloo chimes in.

"And you wanted to go out with him!" Diamond says.

"It's not gay if it's Soarin'."

"How does that even make sense?"

"Well... who wouldn't tap that ass? I mean, you'd really have to be a massive faggot not to want a piece of that."

Both fillies look at each other, and Scootaloo eventually shrugs. "Okay, whatever... my turn. How many mares have you been with? Or stallions, it's the same thing."

"Uh..." I take a deep breath and scratch my head, trying to ignore how wrong such a question sounds in the mouth of a filly. "Alright, I never really played that 'game' back home, but does it have to be about sex? Like, is it an actual rule? Or are you two just determined to test my patience tonight?"

"No... but it's just more fun that way," the pegasus says.

The Earth filly winks at me. "So... how many?"

I start blushing a bit, and pout. "Grmbl."

"What was that?"

"GRMBL."

"Huh?"

"ZERO! Alright?"

"Alright, alright! Why are you so angry all of a sudden?"

I get up and throw my arms into the air. "Because this shit is wrong! You're two little fillies, and I'm a grown man! You shouldn't be asking me that shit, even if it's during a stupid game! This is just wrong!" I shout.

And because you need to get laid.

Yeah, thanks for reminding me, brain.

They both cross their forehooves over their (cute) little chests. "We're not as young as you think, you know," Scootaloo says.

Diamond shakes her head. "I know, I told him already, but he thinks we're kids!"

"You are kids!" I say, exasperated.

"Are not!" they both shout at the same time.

"Alright, that does it. Screw you guys, I'm going home."

"What? But we just started playing and-"

I cut the orange pony off, pointing at her with a finger. "Screw you guys," I point at Diamond with another finger, before pointing towards the opposite direction, "home."

"Anon, I-"

"You guys. Home."

I get up, push the door open and strut down the stairs.
Alpha as fuck.

Man, it feels good to be home. Although it took me like an hour and fifteen minutes to find my way back... oh well. Before I can plop down onto my couch, the door opens.

Not this shit again... please, not this shit again...

Sure enough, two fillies now stand in front of the (open) door. I let out the heaviest and longest sigh I can muster, and point at them with a finger. "Why can't you two just leave me alone?"

Scootaloo and Diamond Tiara look at each other, then back at me. "We just wanted to have a sleepover... it doesn't matter if it's at your place instead of mine," the Earth filly says.

"Why? Just why?"

"We like you, Anon! We wanna spend time with you!" Scootaloo chimes in, giving me the puppy dog eyes.

Goddammit. Can't... resist... "Alright, fine, but we go to bed now. I'm tired."

"But we-"

"Bed, or trash can. You decide."

They exchange worried glances. "Would you actually dump us in the trash can?"

I shake my head. "I'm too tired to be dealing with this shit right now. I don't even have any booze left, so we're just gonna go sleep, alright?" I get up and grab each filly under an arm, closing the door and making my way upstairs as they squirm in my grip. I grin at both of them. "Tough shit, kids. Y'all don't even lift."

I kick the door open and enter my room, looking around, before realizing something. "Scootaloo... Diamond... you didn't bring sleeping bags, did you?"

"I don't have one," Diamond says.

"I, uh... forgot mine?" Scootaloo suggests.

"Goddamn... where are you gonna sleep?"

"In your bed?"

"And where is Diamond gonna sleep?"

"In your bed?" the pink filly inquires.

"AND WHERE THE FUCK AM I GONNA SLEEP?" I scream in despair.

"In your bed?" they both reply in unison.

If I didn't know any better, I would think they both orchestrated this whole thing just to spend a night with me.

"There isn't even enough space in my bed for the three of us! You two sleep together, I'll go sleep on the couch. You mess anything up in my room, you'll spend days scrubbing the smell of rotten fish off your coats. Capisce?"

Scootaloo manages to break free from my grasp and jumps on the floor, glaring at me. "C'mon Anon, stop being so mean! I know you're all flustered and all, but why don't you just try to calm down? Lay down on the bed, I'll give you a massage."

"A massage?" I ask in disbelief. "A massage with hooves?"

"Yeah... you never had one?" she asks, raising an eyebrow.

"No?"

"Diamond, can you believe that?"

The pink filly glares at me. "Like, do you even spa?"

"What?"

Scootaloo literally pushes me onto the bed, and jumps on my chest, kneading my shirt with her soft hooves. I pluck her off me and sigh.

"Look, I don't know what the hell you're trying to do, but if you're not gonna let me be, can we at least sleep? I'm tired. You two are fucking exhausting. The fall didn't help, either, but just having you both in my field of view is more tiring than narrowly avoiding death."

Diamond does a weird kind of gesture with her hooves, and Scootaloo nods, before looking at me. "You're just not used to having two beautiful mares in your bed, that's all."

I stare in disbelief. "I... well, yeah, I guess I wouldn't be used to that. But you're not-"

"Hush now. Why you don't you tell us a story?"

I have no idea how they're doing it, but they're successfully fucking with my mind. It's like 'good cop, bad cop' but with two almost rapey fillies behaving even more strangely than usual. Or maybe I'm just that tired. Or delirious...
That, or Diamond Tiara drugged me while I was unconscious... or spiked my sandwich? Is that even possible? I'm not even gonna bother considering the fact almost dying could have made me paranoid.

I suppose I must have blacked out for a few minutes or something, because I'm currently lying in bed with a filly on each side of me. I yawn, definitely too tired to even question this shit anymore.

"You two are not gonna let me sleep, right?"

They both grin at me.

"So you want a story, huh?"

They both nod.

"Fine... well, once upon a time, there was that really handsome human fellow, right? And he was stranded in Horsetopia, and he couldn't sleep because two small colorful horses kept arguing and pestering him. The morning after, he was found dead, and the two small horses were sentenced to death by firing squad, along with a nerdy librarian horse who had assaulted him earlier that day," I make a pistol gesture with a hand. "Pop! Pop! Pop! Watchin' mothafuckas drop. The end."

Judging from their poker faces, they didn't like my story... damn. It was a classic, too.

"C'mon girls, I don't even know any actual story!"

Scootaloo leans into me. "Don't you remember stories from your childhood?"

"I want a Hearth's Warming Eve story," Diamond chimes in.

"This is like, the pony equivalent of Christmas, right? I do have a Christmas story, I guess... if you really want."

They both shrug. "Go on, Anon."

"Alright... so, once upon a time, there was a human, and that human was on a plane, going to see his estranged wife for the holidays. His name was John McClane..."

"...and when the still alive Karl emerged from the crowd of hostages being led out of the building, the whole group turned around in horror as he aimed his AUG at them. However, Sergeant Powell readied his revolver, and finished Karl off, non-CGI blood flying everywhere unlike in the shitty watered down PG-13 trash we have these days. As the last terrorist fell to the ground, lifeless, they all started cheering and embracing each other. And then they all fucked. The end."

The two fillies remain silent for a minute or so, their eyes wandering around.

"That was... anticlimactic," Scootaloo says, frowning.

"Yeah, Anon! That was a great story and all but... you ruined the end!"

"Consider that payback for even making me tell you a story."

"We asked for a Hearth's- er, Christmas story, though... how was that related to Christmas?"

"It happened on Christmas Eve. Okay girls, it's really time to sleep now."

"We didn't even eat!"

"You made me a sandwich, Diamond."

"Yeah but I didn't eat myself!"

"I didn't either..." Scootaloo says shyly.

"...I hate you. I hate you both so much right now. Come on."

I sigh, get up and walk down the stairs, the two fillies following me. I suddenly get an idea and a smile forms at the corner of my mouth. Time for revenge.

"Anon, that was really good!"

"Yeah, what was that stuff?"

I stare in disbelief at the two fillies happily licking their lips after having downed a half-pound salmon steak each.

"...you know what you just ate, right?"

Diamond shrugs. "No, but it was delicious. What was it?"

"Fish," I deadpan.

Scootaloo raises an eyebrow. "Really? It didn't even smell bad! Now I understand why Rarity's father is always out fishing."

"He is?" I ask in desbelief.

"Yeah, why?"

"You ponies always pestered me because I eat meat, and you have no problem with fish?"

"Fish isn't meat."

...I honestly can't find anything to answer to that.

"Alright, whatever. Can we go to bed now, please?"

"Nah, we need to digest first."

I frown for the umpteenth time today. "Wanna go for a walk?"

Both fillies exchange knowing glances, and Scootaloo lays a hoof on my thigh. "No. We were thinking about something else."

I recoil at the smell emanating from her mouth. "Like what? Brushing your teeth?"

She blushes, and Diamond giggles.

"Seriously, go brush your teeth, girls. You can use my brush I guess."

"Thanks, Anon! We'll be right back." Diamond says as she gets up and trots up the stairs, followed by Scootaloo.

"Just throw it away when you're done."

Man, only the dead can know peace from this evil... why am I not simply throwing them out? I'm not sure, but I think a part of me wants to see where this is leading. Diamond Tiara and Scootaloo in the same bed... I probably won't sleep much, but it has to be entertaining, right?

"This is bullshit," I say flatly, pointing at the TV.

'Get off my carriage!' a male alicorn with a fake flowing mane screams as he strangles a terrorist bat pony before throwing him off his royal carriage, somehow regaining control of the 'aircraft' immediately.

"Shut up, Anon! We're watching!"

"Man, I don't care, this is bullshit! Pony Harrison Ford, and they make him a fucking white alicorn? Fucking outrageous." I had long come to terms with the striking, unsettling and sometimes downright scary similarities between Earth and Equestria, including the countless, nearly one hundred percent 'accurate' Equestrian counterparts to many movies, songs and such, but 'Air Force Pone' was really rubbing me the wrong way.

"What?"

"Nothing... how boring is this anyway? They get onto a safe carriage, then the carriage lands, and they're all safe and live happily ever after," I say, trying to sound as uninterested as possible. "And then they all fuck, of course."

"No, they don't!"

"Whatever."

I close my eyes and start dozing off for a few seconds, only to hear the two fillies arguing again.

"I'm telling you we gotta do it! He might be a bit angry but he's tired enough!"

"And I'm telling you it won't work, Diamond! I know him better than you do."

"Oh really? Then why have you still not done it?"

"S-shut up! It's not my fault, I tried!"

I open my eyes and raise an eyebrow. "What are you two talking about?"

They both blush and look at each other, apparently embarrassed. "N-nothing!" Scootaloo says.

"Actually..." Diamond Tiara starts, grinning at Scootaloo, "we want something."

I sigh. "Don't you think I've done more than enough already today? Hell we're not even today anymore," I say, pointing at the clock. One in the morning already... shit. I'd make an horrible babysitter.

Suddenly, I feel something wet and hot and trailing up my neck. I recoil in disgust, and see a blushing Diamond Tiara with her tongue slightly lolling out.

"DIAMOND WHAT IN THE NAME OF FUCK?"

She jumps back and looks away, stammering. "I-I... I just... j-just wanted... I... Scootaloo told me to!"

"What? No, I didn't!"

I put a hand on the pink filly's withers, and look at her solemnly. "Diamond Tiara... I swear I won't get mad. Just explain me why you thought it was a good idea to sensually lick my neck."

"S-sensually?"

"Well, yes. That was fucking sexual, definitely not some 'dog greeting his master by licking his face' kind of lick or anything," I say, feeling particularly conflicted about my semi-boner.

"I..." she trails off, looking away.

Scootaloo grins and nudges Diamond. "Who's the chicken now, huh?"

"Girls... what are you up to? Did you plan out to try and molest my ass or something?"

The pegasus blushes and looks down. "I... we... we like you, Anon."

I raise an eyebrow. "Well, I like you too... but you don't see me licking you!"

"I wish you were..." she mutters under her breath.

"What was that?"

I suddenly start to piece things together. This last week, the two of them have been arguing all the time, always trying to one-up each other and behaving strangely when around me. And now, they're both practically lying in my arms, and... holy shit.

"Look girls, I think it's-"

"She's right, Anon. We like you... we figured we could share you."

At this point, I must be reaching Maud Pie levels of expressionless glares.

"You don't want to give it a try?" Diamond asks, a tinge of sadness in her voice.

"Give what a try?" I ask, though I'm afraid I know exactly what she means.

Instead of replying, she buries her muzzle in my shoulder, rubbing a hoof on my chest as she moans sensually. What the hell is she doing, and more importantly, why does it feel good?

I simply stand there, unable to react as Scootaloo gives me a gentle kiss on the cheek.

"Girls... I don't think... I..." my mind literally shuts down as the two young ponies start molesting me. Not that I'm not enjoying it, but...

Diamond slides a hoof under my shirt, rubbing her surprisingly soft appendage against my bare skin as the other filly awkwardly nibbles at my neck, her lips and tongue brushing softly against my skin with deliciously erotic sounds.

Scootaloo trails down, peppering my chest and abdomen with wet kisses while Diamond starts rubbing my erection through my pants. How did my life come to this? And why am I okay with it?

Undoing my belt and pulling my pants down as much as I can in my sitting position, I wrap an arm around Scootaloo and press my lips against hers, while forcing Diamond's head against my underwear.

She lets out a small yelp but happily pulls the black fabric down with her teeth, raising an eyebrow at the sight of my manhood springing free. She gives it an experimental lick, softly touching the base with her tongue and trailing it up the shaft, lingering on the frenulum as I moan into Scootaloo's mouth, my tongue vibrating against hers.

Diamond wraps her warm lips around the head of my member as Scootaloo breaks from the kiss, giving me the cutest sultry face she can muster. She pushes down on Diamond's head, forcing the pink filly to swallow nearly half of my junk before gagging, pulling away with a sticky strand of saliva connecting her lips to the tip of my shaft. Scootaloo smiles and pushes Diamond away.

"It's my turn," she says, licking my balls happily in a pretty inexperienced, yet pleasurable way. I'm way beyond caring that I'm currently having a threesome with two fillies at this point, and start kissing Diamond Tiara, putting as much passion, heat and hate into the kiss as I can. She returns it with similar enthusiasm, her tongue caressing mine as we both moan into each other's mouths.

Scootaloo suddenly pulls my member out of her mouth and shrieks. "DIAMOND! What are you doing?"

Looking down, I see a pink hoof rubbing against Scootaloo's private parts. "What?" Diamond asks, smiling, "I thought we were sharing... remember?"

"I..." Scootaloo trails off, squirming as Diamond rubs her again. "Whatever. Just keep doing it."

Going back to kissing Diamond, I put a hand on her hoof and guide her as she gently rubs the young pegasus' most sensitive area, causing her to moan, her tongue vibrating against my cock. After a minute, I break the kiss and look at both fillies. How can an underage cartoon horse be so fucking cute with a human penis buried down her throat as drool messily spills everywhere, and even from her nose?

"C'mon, let's go into my room. There's something I wanna show you."

I grab both of them, one under each arm, and make my way upstairs, and into my room. I lay them down on their backs on the soft mattress, and kneel on the ground, smiling at them. "Don't do anything, just relax and- er, you can do that too, I suppose," I chuckle as Diamond starts hungrily kissing her new friend, who returns the kiss with just as much ardor.

Both fillies' legs are completely splayed out in front of me, giving me free access to their filly bits. I gently rub Diamond's nipples with a hand and Scootaloo's with the others, causing both of them to gasp and look at me.

Deciding that I teased them enough, I slowly bring my face above the orange pegasus' fillyhood, taking a whiff of her wetness. The smell is strong, almost intoxicating. Giving her little nub an experimental lick, I smile as I feel it winking against my tongue, prompting me to flick it again, laughing as Scootaloo squirms, her rear legs kicking around on their own.

I keep teasing her cute little love button with a finger as I move onto Diamond Tiara, giving her the same oral treatment. She moans and throws her head backwards as my tongue connects with her entrance. I give her a long and slow lick, stiffening the tip of my tasting appendage as I run it from the base of her little cunt to her hidden clit, coating her entire, already slick slit, in my saliva. I give her a few more licks, and recoil a bit as a clear stream of liquid squirts onto my face.

I giggle at the filly's face, turning red in embarrassment. "I'm sorry, I-"

I silence her by lapping at the fluids still slowly leaking from her nethers. "Don't be sorry."

"I... I think you'll be sorry if you don't do the same to Scootaloo."

I raise an eyebrow and glance at the orange filly, who is looking at me insistently.

"Alright... Diamond, why don't you help me?"

"W-what do you want me to do?"

"Simple... Scootaloo, get up and fold your front legs. Keep your cute little butt in the air."

The pegasus turns red but complies, turning around and lying on her chest as she raises her tail, presenting me her glistening pussy.

I take a long lick and linger on the rim of her cute little ponut. "Diamond," I say between licks, "why don't you give her a wing massage?"

"A wing massage?"

"Hmm-hmm," I 'reply', face buried in Scootaloo's butt.

Diamond starts to awkwardly caress the other filly's wings, which instantly pop out and stiffen. I smile to myself and start tongue-fucking the young pegasus as her little body quivers in pleasure. A strong scent followed by a stream of thick, yellow-ish juices gush onto my face as my tongue slows down, eventually stopping, not giving a fuck about anything but pleasuring these two fillies now.

"T-that... that was amazing..." Scootaloo pants, giving me an half-lidded smile.

"It's not over." I return the smile. "Wanna return the favor?" I ask them, somehow hoping they'll say yes.

"What do we have to do?"

I jump on the bed and lie down, my manhood standing at full mast. "Well, it's simple. As long I don't feel any teeth, you can do whatever you want."

They glance at each other and nod, both giving each side of my member a long, agonizingly slow lick. Their tongues start dancing on my tip, brushing against each other as much as they brush against my throbbing head.

"You can p-put it... in your mouth..." I manage to blurt out in between groans. Taking my 'advice', Diamond pushes Scootaloo away and engulfs my member in her mouth, her muzzle tickling my balls as her uvula caresses my tip. I have no idea how she's doing that, and I couldn't care less - it's simply heavenly.

Meanwhile, Scootaloo slams her lips against mine again as I start sensually caressing her wings, causing her to moan louder. I slowly break the kiss as I feel my peak approaching. Seriously, it's just divine.

"Diamond, slow down, I'm gonna... Diamond, stop!"

The filly shoots me a defying glance as she keeps bobbing her head up and down on my length, even faster than before.

"I'm coming!"

In the blink of an eye, Scootaloo grabs Diamond's mane and yanks her aside, before burying my cock inside her own mouth, gently kneading my balls as I shoot a year of pent up frustration deep down her throat, causing her to gag and choke on the sticky hot strands of spunk. She coughs up a bit of cum and saliva back on my member and recoils back, prompting Diamond to come back and take my still cumming member back in her mouth, straining not to gag as the last few strands of semen are forced down her gullet. A few seconds later, she pulls back, the three of us panting heavily, with our lips sticky.

"Well, shit, that was messy," I say awkwardly. "What now? Can we finally sleep, or you're not done molesting your poor human friend?"

They smirk at each other. "We're not done." Scootaloo says with confidence, giving me a wet kiss and slipping her cum-coated tongue in my own mouth. It's warm and tangy, but not bad at all. I happily return the kiss and gasp as I feel burning heat enveloping my renewed boner.

"Diamond, what the- URGH!" I grunt as the pink filly impales herself onto me, breaking her hymen in the process. She gives me a weak smile, trying hard not to cry as blood trickles down my crotch.

"Diamond, why did you do this?"

"I... I wanted to..."

"B-but... why?"

"I wanted to! Rut me, Anon!"

The pink filly starts moving a bit, her walls clamping down on my member. It's so tight and hot, it's almost painful. Scootaloo yelps as I pick her up and sit her down on my face, lapping at her folds once again while teasing her little teats with a hand.

Both fillies look at each other longingly as they both smear their young pussies all over me, the musky scent of hot, steamy sex permeating the room.

Yet another rush of filly juices drips down my face, and I greedily swallow Scootaloo's second orgasm as Diamond Tiara's little body starts to convulse, despite having started moving on my erection barely thirty seconds earlier. "Anon, I'm... something is happening!" she screams, waves of ecstasy rocking her entire body as she rides me harder than ever. Scootaloo gets off my face and I feel a thick, warm liquid drip down my length and onto my crotch as the pink filly squirms and pants into the orange pegasus' crotch, the latter using Diamond's screams and convulsions as an improvised vibrator.

I have no idea how these fillies actually come up with all that stuff on their own, but I don't care. It's seriously mind blowing. And even if I wanted to care, I couldn't.

"You... you're not done?" Diamond asks as she comes down from her post-orgasm bliss.

"Nope. Want a ride, Scoots?"

"I... I'm scared..."

I give Diamond a pleading, 'please... please, don't' look.

"Humpf! Chick-"

The pink filly gets a hoof to the face as Scootaloo jumps on my raging erection, impaling herself violently on it. Much to my (and her) surprise, she doesn't scream, simply adjusting to the new sensation of being filled up. I raise an eyebrow. "You probably broke your hymen with all your stunts..."

"I... I guess. Well, take that, Diamond! It didn't hurt me! You were the only virgin all along!"

"It did! You're just pretending! And having a broken hymen doesn't mean you're not a virgin anymore!"

I giggle, unable to sigh for once. "Really? We're currently... hell, I'm not even sure how to qualify what we're currently doing, but you guys are still finding time to argue?"

Diamond gets on her hind legs and starts furiously kissing Scootaloo, who is now bouncing on my member. "We'll always argue until she admits that I'm better than her," she says between kisses.

"You're... not..." Scootaloo pants, using a hind hoof to rub Diamond's crotch.

As much as I hate myself for already being about to come a second time, this shit is just too hot. "Scoots, I'm gonna-"

"INSIDE!"

"Uh, okay."

"I want you, Anon! Make me yours!" she shouts, pushing Diamond away with a shit-eating grin.

An intense orgasm overtakes me as I grab Scootaloo's front hooves, thrusting furiously into her and coating her insides in burning white seed. The sensation sends her over the edge, and she starts screaming as her own orgasm shakes her, our fluids mixing and dripping down our respective crotches, smearing everywhere onto the bed covers.

Diamond literally lifts Scootaloo off me and laps at the pegasus' cunt, a mix of semen and filly juices dripping on her tongue, which she swallows happily, before grinning at the orange filly. "Told you I was the one who deserved to drink his milk," the pink filly says smugly, smacking her lips together.

I raise an amused eyebrow, having trouble not to fall asleep after such an intense orgasm. "You two are nasty as fuck."

"We're naughty little fillies, aren't we?" Diamond asks in a sultry tone.

"You sure are..."

"I think I'm gonna join Silver Spoon the next time she visits Rarity."

"Like hell you will!" Scootaloo shrieks, pouncing Diamond and bringing a hoof to the Earth filly's puffy, oversensitive lips. "You're mine now!"

"Say what? I'm your marefriend now?"

"Yes! Don't you forget it!"

"But Scootaloo, we were only supposed to do it together to lure Anon into a false sense of-"

"Shut up and lick my cunt, you little brat!"

"Not unless you lick mine too, you... chicken."

"I'm gonna lick you to death, spoiled bitch!"

I stare in a mix of awe, disgust and disbelief as Scootaloo starts brutally tonguing Diamond's little snatch. "What the fuck..." is all I can manage to say as my thoughts somehow manage to wander on the topic of 'and I'm still out of booze', before falling asleep in mere seconds.

I roll to the side and let out a small grunt, pulling the covers off a filly and nearly crushing another. A hoof nudges me, eliciting a second grunt from my lazy ass.

"Anon?"

Opening my eyes, I see two giant blue orbs. I sit up and scream, "EL OSCURO LIVES!"

"What? Calm down! What's going on?"

"Uh..." I look around and yawn as my body (painfully) completes the transition from the 'wonderful' world my subconscious creates for me every night, to the real world. I look at Scootaloo and Diamond Tiara, before yawning again.

"What's wrong? Why did you scream?" Scootaloo asks.

I look at her solemnly and put a hand on her hoof. "The Triad is real," I explain her calmly.

She sighs and Diamond rolls over, nudging me with a hoof. "I feel sorry for Princess Luna," she says groggily.

"Heh. She visited my dreams once... a few days ago, in fact. I think that scarred her for life," I chuckle, giving each filly a light kiss.

Looking at the two young mares, myself and my bed, I'm hard-pressed to find a square inch that isn't covered in some sort of dried sticky substance or other bodily fluid.

"Girls... how about a hot shower?"

"Scootaloo and I go first, you make us breakfast."

I frown at the pink pony. "Remember the trash can, Diamond?"

She chuckles. "It's probably cleaner than your bed."

I shrug, realizing that she's probably right. "Whatever, just make it quick."

I sigh heavily as both fillies enter my bathroom, touching each other's bodies in very inappropriate ways.

"Did you learn to wash yourself, Diamond?"

"Scootaloo's tongue works just fine!"

"Aw, sick!" the orange filly shouts from behind the door.

"Shut up and work that tongue, blank flank."

"Anon, help me!"

Yeah... even after a good night's sleep, I'm still not too sure what the fuck happened with these two.

"Twilight Sparkle. I am going to kill you."

The purple alicorn takes a step back, unnerved by my calm demeanor. "I told you I was sorry! It wasn't my potion, it was Tri-"

I whip out a switchblade and stab her in the throat, silencing her. She gives me a blank stare as her eyes roll back into her head.

"I am Anonymous."

She stops moving.

"I do not forgive."

I withdraw the blade and close my eyes humbly.

"And I do not forget."

I open my eyes and wish I hadn't. The mare I just 'killed' is frowning, her wound healing itself almost instantly. "That wasn't fun, Anon. I know you're angry at me, and maybe I even deserved it, but this still kinda hurt."

"I JUST KILLED YOU! I JUST FUCKING KILLED YOU TO DEATH! HOW ARE YOU NOT DEAD?"

"I'm an alicorn..."

"So you're immortal... right?"

"Yes," she smiles.

"Argh, fucking bullshit! Fine, whatever. The average size of a human's penis is around six inches when erect."

"What?"

"You asked me that the other day. Also we don't go through estrus, we're ready to go all the time."

"Oh... well, thanks. I had a few other questions but that can wait. By the way, as I was saying, the potion I gave you was Trixie's. As much as I love her, potions really aren't her thing..." the lavender mare smiles as a blue pony walks into the room, planting a kiss on Twilight's lips.

I shake my head, having seen things no man should ever have to see. "Ah, fuck this shit, I'm outta here. Bash Spike's head in for me please, ladies."

I angrily stride out of the library, actually feeling more distraught because of the fact she's immortal, than because of the fact I somehow decided cold-bloodedly murdering the Element of Magic, who just happens to be a princess, would be a good idea. Maybe I should go back and murder Trixie?

Yeah, I'll do that after I get some breakfast.

As I enter Sugarcube Corner, I get a predictable faceful of pink. "Pinkie, what's happening?"

"Hiya Nonny! What's good?"

"Yo, what's shakin'," I bump her hoof with my fist and smile as she gives me a fresh tray of cupcakes.

"Only the dankest cupcakes for you, Nonny."

Pinkie is a total bro, she's my nigga. Too bad she's always too busy to ever hang out outside of her work.

Munching on a cupcake, I raise an eyebrow at a silent gray mare sitting in a corner, holding another silent gray mare's hoof.

"Who are those mares?" I ask Pinkie, who simply chuckles.

"It's my sister, silly! And her..." she trails off, d'awww'ing at the two mares kissing softly. "And her, um... her friend. I think she's from Canterlot... I'm not sure. I heard she was a famous cellist."

"Damn. Is it lesbian day or what?"

"What's a lesbian, Nonny?"

"...Whatever."

I finish my cupcakes and give Pinkie a few bits, before getting out of Sugarcube Corner, feeling even more distraught than before. I frown as I walk through the park, Fluttershy and Flitter openly molesting each other as they happily roll around in the grass. Is the entire town playing a prank on me or what?

Even though it's barely ten in the morning, I enter Ponyville's only hotel bar and walk up to the counter. The bartender smiles at me and bumps my fist with a hoof. "'Sup, Anon? The usual?"

"You know it."

He slams a giant mug of cider on the counter, which I gulp down almost instantly, burping loudly as I brush my lips with my sleeve. Turning around, I see a familiar pony sitting at a table, waving a hoof at me. I grin and make my way to his table, sitting down. "Hey, Soarin'..."

"Hey Anon, what's going on?"

"Nothing... still down for those drinks, eh?"

"Hell yeah."

An hour and a half later...

"I'm telling you, man! Every mare is sucking faces with another mare today!"

"I know! I saw 'em! Even fillies are doing it!"

"What do you say we one-up the bitches?"

"What do you suggest, man?"

Soarin' gets up, wobbling slightly, and waves to the bartender. "Yo, you got a spare room?"

"Sure do," the dark blue pony answers, throwing a key to Soarin', who catches it with a hoof.

He walks up to me and nudges my thigh with his muzzle. "Wanna go chill somewhere more private?"

"Don't mind if I do," I get up, ready to follow him as two pegasi enter the establishment. "Hey Dash. Hey Spitfire."

Rainbow Dash flies up to my table and gives me a small golden statue. It is shaped like a horse cock and has a small banner that reads 'EQUESTRIA'S BIGGEST FAGGOT AWARD - ANONYMOUS'.

She flies away and I nod to Soarin', motioning for him to get moving.

I raise an eyebrow and shrug at Rainbow Dash and Spitfire sharing a wet kiss after mouthing 'faggot' to me, as I lead Soarin' up the stairs, and into the room, digging my fingers into his soft and supple flanks as he brushes my crotch with his tail. I smile as he jumps on the bed, his slender yet muscled frame offered to me, and I carefully place my 'award' onto the nightstand before ripping my clothes off.

Totally worth it.