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Dan and Pinkie Take a Slice out of Life
Part 1 Pinkie Vs. Clothes: Chapter 3: Pinkie Vs. Laundry Day
Dan and Pinkie Take a Slice out of LifePart 1 Pinkie Vs. ClothesChapter 3: Pinkie Vs. Laundry Day
Dan opened the door to his bathroom and walked out with an angry glower already locked and loaded on his face. His hair was still wet and water dripped from it, soaking the collar of his slightly dirty shirt. Likewise, his jeans were also a bit on the dirty side.
Pinkie stood a few feet away from the door holding a new set of clothing with a hopeful smile on her face. She opened up her mouth to speak.
“NO!”
Pinkie opened her eyes wide and puffed out her lower lip.
Dan cross his arms in front of him and quickly threw them to his sides. “NO! No way! I don’t care if you give me your puppy-dog look all day! I’m not making a rap about putting on articles of clothing dreamed up by men and women who lived in a time where miasma was considered a cause of cholera!”
“Come on, Dan!” Pinkie tilted her head and cupped he hands under her chin. “Pleeeeeease?”
Dan narrowed his eyes, glanced at Pinkie, and turned to towards his side.
“Erm … What are you looking at?” Pinkie asked.
“The window,” Dan answered. “I’m trying to figure out what it would take for me to just pick you up and throw you through it.”
Pinkie sighed, “I’ll figure it out…”
“Good! Now if you’ll excuse me, I'm missing out on some high quality animal devouring.” Dan turned towards the large furniture, appliance, pillow, and blanket fort and walked off towards the entrance.
Pinkie reluctantly walked into the bathroom with her change of clothes.
Dan crawled back onto his side of the mattress where Mr. Mumbles greeted him with a “Meow.”
“Hello, Mr. Mumbles.” Dan smiled and picked up the cat, setting her on his lap as he got comfortable in front of the TV. He resumed his watching of crocodiles surprising animal after animal and dragging them into murky depths.
After several minutes of listening to the sounds of running water followed by relative silence, it dawned on him that there were much fewer noises from the bathroom this time around. Dan pursed his lips. Well, she’s quieter… but should I be relieved or worried…? Dan considered the individual he was dealing with for a moment. Worried… definitely worried… “ Pinkie?” he called out. “ ”
“I’m fiiiine~!” Pinkie called out cheerfully.
Dan squinted his eyes slightly, shrugged, and went back to watching the television.
A little bit later he heard the increasingly familiar sound of Pinkie’s excited pitter patter of feet across the carpet as she came scampering up to him.
He glanced at fort entrance, half expecting to see a half-naked, or almost fully naked Pinkie poke her head inside. Instead, Pinkie appeared fully dressed in a red shirt with a floral design and a pair of jean shorts. She crawled inside with a huge grin on her face.
Dan looked at her suspiciously. “What are you so happy about?”
“I solved my bra problem!” Pinkie announced happily.
The look of suspicion on Dan’s face only grew. “Don’t tell me you’re just not wearing one.”
Pinkie grinned. “Yeeep~! ”
Dan paused and glanced at the bed sheet ceiling for a bit. “Okay but… I don’t think…” He knitted his brow and looked back at Pinkie. “…Can you even do that?”
Pinkie nodded and reached for the bottom of her shirt and began to lift it up. “Sure! Look!”
“GAH! ” Dan cried as he quickly shielded his eyes. “Why are you so desperate to show off every part of your anatom...” Dan trailed off as he stared at Pinkie chest. He lowered his hands from in front of his face. “Is that… is that medical tape?!”
“Yepper!” Pinkie said as she looked down at the white, adhesive substance wrapped around her chest. “I remembered you had some in the first aid kit and I thought, ‘Hey! That would help hold me in place!’ So I grabbed a roll and just wrapped myself up!” Pinkie grinned. “Pretty clever, huh ?”
Dan chuckled and smirked. “I’m whelmed by your brilliance.”
Pinkie pulled open her mouth wide enough to make an audible ‘squee!’
“So you’re ready to head off to the Laundromat?”
Pinkie pulled her shirt back down and over her chest and nodded. “Ready!”
Dan nodded, gently picked Mr. Mumbles off his lap, and sat her down. He crawled out of the fort as Pinkie followed close behind. Dan walked over towards the kitchen, leaned down in front of the sink, and opened up the cupboard underneath.
“Uh … Dan?” Pinkie said in a confused tone. “If I need to wash your clothes, why are you grabbing stuff from under the sink?”
“All part of the laundry day process…” Dan said as he rummaged through the cupboard to the sound of rustling plastic. He pulled out a couple crumpled up black garbage bags, and began sticking a bag in another. He repeated this process a few times essentially making a multi-layered bag.
“What’s that for?” Pinkie asked.
Dan rolled his eyes. “What did you think you were going to carry all the clothes in?”
“I figured that much out!” Pinkie cried. “I meant why are you using so many bags?”
“Oh,” Dan replied. “I’ve learned after years of doing my own laundry that the first few layers tend to melt once I put the clothes inside.”
“Uh… melt ?” Pinkie said in a mildly worried tone.
Dan repeated the process of sticking several bags inside one another, followed by pulling out a pair of thick yellow rubber gloves and some tongs.
Pinkie watched all of this with a mixture of interest and worry.
Dan stood back up as he held the gloves. “Alright, hold out your hands and spread your fingers.”
“Uh… okie-dokie-lokie!” Pinkie said cheerfully as she complied.
Dan began slipping one of the rubber gloves over Pinkie’s hand.
“What are these for?” Pinkie asked.
A dark grin spread across Dan’s face like unwanted clouds blotting out the sun. “You’ll see… ”
-oooooo-
“DaAaAaAaAaAn~! ” Pinkie wailed from behind the bedroom door. “The fumes are making me nauseous and dizzy!”
“BREATHE THROUGH THE WET RAG, LIKE I TOLD YOU!” Dan cried from the furniture fort.
“It’s not wet anymore!” Pinkie cried. “Some yellow fumes from under your clothes dried it right up… Also it’s not really a rag anymore, either… It sorta dried up and crumpled into ashes!”
Dan sighed as he went back to shouting across the apartment, “Just walk up to the window and get some fresh air!”
“But every time I open your window the birds outside get really sleepy and start falling out of the sky!”
There was a brief pause before Dan replied, “… I don’t think they’re sleeping! ”
“Uh… resting, then…”
“… Probably not doing that either…”
“… Pining for the fjords?” Pinkie suggested.
“Pinkie! The birds are de–!”
Pinkie interrupted Dan as she sung a loud, oddly upbeat melody at top volume.
THESE FUMES ARE MAKING ME DIZZY!
AND NOW MY HAIR IS REALLY FRIZZY!
I THINK THIS IS WHAT THEY CALL MIASMA!
AND I’M AFRAID I MIGHT NOW HAVE CHOLERA!
SO PLEASE DAN JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING
AND LET ME BELIEVE THESE BIRDS ARE RESTING
CAUSE I’M NEAR THE END OF MY ROPE
AND THE SMELLS HERE ARE MAKING ME CHOOOOKE~!
Dan grumbled irritably to himself. “Alright, as impressed as I am that you fit in our earlier conversation about ancient illness theory, do you have all my clothes ready, or not?!”
Dan heard the door to his bedroom open and someone step out of it. “Ready!” Pinkie called out.
Dan crawled out of the fort and stood up. He walked to the side of the fort where he saw Pinkie set down two black trash bags that were filled and bulging. Her normally unruly hair was even more disheveled with strands sticking out all over the pink mop of curls, as if Pinkie’s hair itself slowly tried to escape from her scalp. Dan walked up close enough to get a good look at Pinkie’s face; her eyes were puffy and slightly swollen.
“Just in time, too!” Pinkie said cheerfully as she held up her yellow gloves. Smoke and an acrid scent wafted up from the gloves as she held them up. “I think my gloves are starting to melt!”
“Pinkie, take those off before your hands begin to liquefy,” Dan paused and added, “Also, you might to want to run some water over your eyes.”
“Okie-dokie-lokie!” Pinkie said as she walked into the bathroom.
“Hmmm…” Dan hummed to himself. He took a deep breath and entered his room. He looked around as he entered, noting how unusually spacious his room was without the piles and piles of clothes heaps that usually littered the ground, not to mention his mattress and other furniture that had been commandeered for the floor of Fort Dan Pie. He walked over to his window and opened it, allowing the room to air out and the noxious fumes to escape outside.
Dan leaned his head out and took a breath of relatively fresh Southern California air as a small bird flew by, cried a distressed sounding ‘cheep!’ , then fell out of the sky and down towards the road by his apartment.
‘Thunk!’
“AAAAAHHHHH!”
‘Thud!’
Dan sighed and shook his head as he looked upon the aftermath of the bird colliding into a cyclist and said cyclist losing control of his bike and crashing into a palm tree.
“Laundry Day claims more victims…” Dan said as he turned his head. “Still… ” Dan muttered to himself as he walked out of the room. He poked his head into the bathroom where Pinkie was sitting in front of the sink. She let the water run as she continually cupped her hands under and splashed her face with it.
“Uh , you alright there?” Dan asked.
“How the heck can you do that without goggles or anything?!” Pinkie cried as she continued to splash water on herself. “I’m only now beginning to feel my face again!”
Dan shrugged. “I get maced and tear gassed a lot, my clothes fumes just don’t get to me I guess.”
Pinkie looked at Dan in surprise. “Wowwie-zowwie! I couldn’t even imagine having my eyes attacked like that so often that I wouldn’t even notice!”
Dan chuckled. “A lifetime of experience! It’s good to start early! I’m surprised more parents don’t use mace on their toddlers!”
The sides of Pinkie’s lips plunged into the deep, murky depths of gloom. “I’m suddenly very sad now.”
“Hey, uh, look …” Dan rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. “I just wanted to say that you did a good job gathering up all my clothes… Thanks…”
Pinkie looked at Dan in surprise before she grinned wide and threw her arms around him.
‘CRACK!’
“GAH!” Dan cried as he felt his bones crack from Pinkie’s vise-like grip. He sniffed the air.
“Uh, Pinkie?”
“Yes, Dan?”
“You might want to change your clothes and take a shower before you head out.”
Pinkie broke the embrace and stared at Dan with watery, sky-blue eyes. “But I’ve already gotten changed twice today!”
Dan nodded. “True, but you smell like you’ve just handled a pile of t-shirts that have been stewing in miscellaneous foul, and potentially toxic juices for several months. You know, since that’s kind of exactly what you just finished doing.”
Pinkie sighed and pulled her shirt up over her head, revealing her chest wrapped in medical tape.
Dan rolled his eyes. “You really need to get in the habit of waiting until I’m out of the room before you strip.”
“Sorry, Dan,” Pinkie offered. “I’m not used to the act of putting on, wearing, and taking off clothes being such a big deal…” She looked down at her chest and sighed. “I guess I’ll need to redo all this , too,” Pinkie sighed to herself as she grabbed the end of the tape.
“Uh, Pinkie?” Dan said in a slightly worried tone. “You might want to—”
Pinkie dug her fingernails under the end of the tape and quickly pulled on it.
‘Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiip!’
Pinkie’s eyes went wide and she whimpered a quiet, high pitched “Ahhhheee…” Her newly uncovered skin near the top of her chest had gone from light pink to bright red.
Dan stared at Pinkie with a look of genuine concern. Wow… I remember pulling duct tape off my chest… THAT was an amazingly painful experience for me … And I’m guessing my chest isn’t nearly as sensitive as hers… “Uh… how you holding up there?”
“I’VE MADE A TERRIBLE ever , ever! ” Pinkie stuck out her lower lip as she grabbed the loose end of the tape, held it up, and quickly pulled on it.
‘Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiip!’
Another strip of the tape gave up its hold on her back.
Pinkie gritted her teeth as she began to emit a high pitched, “Eeeeeeeeeeeee…”
“Uh…” Dan tapped an index finger against his chin as he thought of something to say. “… Would you like me to get you something to bite down on while you unwrap yourself?”
“… Yes, please…” Pinkie whimpered out.
After a long, painful session of ripping medical tape of her chest, a warm, soothing shower, and a maddening round of putting another bra on, Pinkie emerged from the bathroom. Her hair was frayed and disheveled. She wore a pink dress that hung down to her knees and a small, blue jacket. The new ensemble left her décolleté exposed, her skin going from light pink around her neck and collarbone to red and irritated around her chest. Pinkie sniffed the air as she walked towards the front of the apartment and made a gentle “Hmmmmm…” sound.
She stared into the kitchen area and noticed Dan wearing a red apron that read ‘KISS THE JERK’ on the front as he stood in front of a large pot a and stirred it. Mr. Mumbles stood on the ground next to Dan, happily munching away on a bowl of wet cat food.
Dan looked up as Pinkie approached. “Here …” he said as he lifted the spoon and pulled out a heap of spaghetti, placing it into a large bowl that sat on the counter. “You haven’t eaten anything yet, right?”
Pinkie stared out hungrily at the bowl as Dan heaped on a few more spoonfuls of noodles smothered in red sauce. She walked up as Dan opened a drawer in front of him and fished out a fork. He placed it in the bowl.
Pinkie shot Dan a dazzling smile. “Thank you!”
Dan nodded. “Well, I mean… I was making food for myself, so—”
Pinkie paid almost no attention to Dan as she dug her fork into her food.
“WAIT!” Dan cried.
Pinkie looked towards Dan in confusion.
Dan reached over and grabbed a roll of paper towels sitting on the kitchen counter. He ripped off a couple and handed them to Pinkie. “Put those over your dress so you don’t have to get changed again!”
Pinkie quickly sat down her fork and accepted the paper towels from Dan. She placed them over her chest. “Wow Dan! You’re like the best roommate ever! ”
Dan chuckled. “Yeah, I know.”
All furniture in the apartment being used for fort Dan Pie, Pinkie ravenously dug into her pasta as she stood at the counter. She ate at a rapid pace and slurped her noodles, splatting red sauce all over her face, her hair, the counter, and the paper towels she had placed on herself.
Dan held an arm up to shield his face as the sauce flew in every direction. “Ulg, watch it, alright? My clothes are dirty enough as it is…”
“Whooooofffs… ” Pinkie said through a mouthful of pasta. “Swwory, Dwan… ”
Dan wordlessly spooned up some food from a smaller pot on the stove into another bowl, this spaghetti clearly having meatballs in it. The roommates quietly ate their meal as the voice of a narrator talking over brutal crocodile attacks drifted out from the fort. Dan and Pinkie remained relatively silent as they hungrily shoveled food into their mouths, the meal serving as an uncharacteristically quiet moment between the two for the day.
Pinkie took a break from her food long enough to walk to the fridge and pour her and Dan a couple of glasses of a pink liquid that had fruit floating at the top.
She sat a glass in front of her plate and handed the other to Dan.
“Thanks,” Dan said as he grabbed the glass and took a sip. He couldn’t help but smile a little as the sweet and tangy liquid hit his tongue. Well, the girl knows how to make punch, I’ll give her that…
Pinkie smiled as she went back to her meal.
“Uh , Pinkie…” Dan began.
Pinkie turned and acknowledged Dan’s call as she slurped up more noodles. “Hrrmmmm … sluuurp… ”
Dan shot Pinkie a small glare as he wiped red sauce off his face.
“Ooopsie …” Pinkie said with a sheepish grin. “Sorry, Dan…”
“Forget it… ” Dan said in a mildly irritated voice. He softened his face as he continued speaking, “Look, you’ve already been through a lot . Why don’t you save the Laundromat for tomorrow and take it easy for the rest of the day?”
Pinkie paused and looked Dan’s clothes up and down. “But you’re down to your last set of clothes!” She exclaimed as she motioned out to Dan’s clothing. “And now you have spaghetti sauce to go with all the dirt on them! I can’t force you to spend the rest of the day like that and tomorrow until we can get your clothes clean.”
Dan looked down at his dirty, spaghetti sauce splattered shirt and frowned. “Well… if you’re sure…”
Pinkie nodded her head up and down vigorously. “Sure , I’m sure! In fact—” Pinkie stuck out her very large, very long tongue, and with a loud “Sluuuurp!” ran it clockwise over the entire length of her face, quickly, cleaning it “—I think I’ll go now.”
Dan simply stared at her in disbelief. “Uh… okay … You might want to clean your hair up a bit first.”
Pinkie stared at Dan blankly before she raised a hand up to her bangs. She pulled her hand down in front of her face and giggled. “Ooops!” she said as she looked at the red sauce on her hands. “I’ll just go wash up a little.”
Dan nodded as Pinkie bounded off for the bathroom with a “Tra la la la la… ”
Dan followed her with his eyes and shook his head. “Where does she get all the energy from?”
“Meow,” Mr. Mumbles replied from the floor below.
Dan finished his punch and set the empty glass on the counter. He undid his apron in the back and took it off as Pinkie emerged from the bathroom, walked into the bedroom, and soon reemerged wearing a pair of pink flats on her feet and an assortment of colorful bracelets on her wrists.
Pinkie walked over to the two full garbage bags and bent down to pick them up. She slung them both over her shoulders. “Ooff …” she uttered as she hefted the considerable weight of both bags. “Ready!” she declared.
Dan cocked an eyebrow. “You have a bunch of quarters stashed somewhere in that pocketless looking ensemble of yours?”
Pinkie frowned. “I’m not ready!” she cried.
Dan sighed and shook his head. He walked over to the opposite side of the furniture fort and returned with Pinkie’s pink handbag. He walked over to Pinkie and held the bag up by its straps.
Pinkie smiled and leaned her head down as Dan placed the strap over her head.
“Alright!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “Now I’m ready to start my epic journey!”
“It’s just two blocks,” Dan said as he rolled his eyes.
“A terrifying two block in your city, though!” Pinkie replied happily.
Dan rolled his eyes as Pinkie walked towards the door.
Pinkie stood in front of the door, started at it briefly, then turned to Dan with a nervous grin on her face.
“You can’t open the door, can you?” Dan asked.
Pinkie kept her smile plastered on her face and shook her head.
Dan grumbled to himself as he walked up to the door and opened it, allowing Pinkie to squeeze by with the massive bags of clothes.
“I’m off!” Pinkie declared.
“We get it!” Dan cried as he pushed the door shut.
‘SLAM!’
Dan stopped and stared at the door briefly as quiet once again filled the apartment. He said nothing as the corners of his mouth and eyelids tensed ever so slightly in worry.
“Mew?” Mr. Mumbles called from the floor.
Dan glowered down at her. “I’m sure she’ll be fine!”
‘THUMP, THUMP, THUMP!’
Dan and Mr. Mumbles jumped slightly as someone pounded on the door.
“DAN! OPEN UP! IT’S PINKIE PIE!”
Dan quickly reached for the door and pulled it open.
“DAN!” Pinkie breathed in and out as she tried to catch her breath “Huff … Scary… puff … scary…”
Dan looked up at red mark on Pinkie’s forehead. “What the heck happened to your head…?”
“Huh?” Pinkie replied as she tried to glance up at her forehead. “Oh, don’t worry about that. My hands are full so I knocked on the door with my forehead.”
“Uh… alright …” Dan raised an eyebrow. “So what caused you to abort mission so quickly?”
“THERE’S A SCARY MAN OUTSIDE!” Pinkie cried. “He’s wearing a sinister uniform and everything! I think he might be part of a secret government agency that’s trying to track me down and study me!”
Dan frowned, opened the door and poked his head out. He quickly pulled his head back in and closed the door. “That’s the mailman, and while vile and contemptible , he’s probably not trying to track you down.”
Pinkie frowned. “Maybe it’s a government agent disguised as a mailman!”
Dan raised an eyebrow. “I’m pretty sure it’s my normal, horrible mailman, I mean… it looks like him.”
“THAT’S JUST WHAT THE AGENT WANTS YOU TO THINK!”
Dan rolled his eyes as he pushed open the door to his apartment once more. “HEY, MAILMAN! SCREW MAIL !”
“WHAT THE HELL, MAN?!
“BILLS SUCK!” Dan shouted out.
“YOU SUCK!”
Dan closed the door and smiled. “Nope, same mailman.”
“Are you sure?” Pinkie asked.
Dan nodded. “Positive.”
Pinkie knitted her brow. “Only fools are positive.”
Dan smirked. “Are you sure?”
Pinkie nodded her head up and down vigorously. “Positive…” Pinkie paused. “Wow… even I should have seen that one coming…”
Dan chuckled. “Look, it’s perfectly safe out there… or at least as safe as this neighborhood can be.”
Pinkie sighed. “Alright, Dan… I’ll try again.”
Dan opened the door, allowing Pinkie to step outside once more. He closed it and listened to the quiet sounds of her walking away… and then to the sounds of her quickly rushing back. Dan quickly opened the door as the sound of feet hitting the apartment walkway grew louder.
“DAN! I… WHA!” Pinkie leaned forward to knock on the door with her head again and toppled inside with a ‘THUD!’ as the door was pulled open. She quickly rose to her feet and smiled sheepishly at Dan.
Dan examined her expression carefully. “You realized there’s no way of you making it down the stairs without tripping and falling down them.”
Grin plastered on her face, Pinkie nodded her head up and down.
“… So now you need me to help you down them.”
Pinkie nodded again.
Dan sighed. “Let’s go…”
“Hurray!”
Dan took a clothing bag from Pinkie and walked her to the end of the apartment walkway. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and allowed her to do the same as the two made it down the stairs, Pinkie wobbling and almost stumbling several times.
“There!” Dan said as the two made it to the bottom of the stairs. “You survived the journey of the treacherous stairs,” Dan said sarcastically. Dan handed Pinkie the garbage back full of clothes he was holding. “Now you can continue your epic, two block excursion down the street.”
“Thanks for helping me, Dan,” Pinkie said cheerfully as she took the bag.
Dan rolled his eyes. “Yeah, fine, whatever… Just get going already!”
Pinkie looked down the palm tree lined street towards the Laundromat then back at Dan, back to the Laundromat then back towards Dan once more. She began to grin nervously.
Dan sighed, smacked a palm against his face, and dragged it down. “You want me to go with you, don’t you?”
Pinkie grinned. “Yes please!”
Dan grumbled to himself. “Look! I’m sure you can make it two lousy block and back!”
“But what if the Laundromat turns out to be a hive of scum and villainy?!” Pinkie cried.
“It’s a Laundromat!” Dan cried. “Of course it’s a hive of scum and villainy!”
Pinkie’s eyes shot open wide and she stared into Dan’s emerald eyes with her large, pleading sky-blue ones as she puffed her lower lip out and began to whimper quietly.
Dan rolled his eyes. “FIIIIIIINE!”
“Hurray!” Pinkie cried.
“But when this is over, you have to be quiet for the rest of the day!”
Pinkie frowned. “Yeah… I don’t think that’s even possible…”
Dan sighed.
“Oooo! Oooo!” Pinkie cried excitedly. “What if I put all your clothes away when I’m done cleaning them?”
“I’m perfectly capable of dumping my clothes on the floor, myself, thank you very much …” Dan replied.
“Oh, no, no, no, no, no…” Pinkie looked at Dan with a pained expression and added another “No. ” She took a deep breath before continuing. “I meant I’ll put your clothes away nice and neatly in your dresser… erm …” Pinkie paused and took mental stock of the furniture Dan owned. “That I guess I’ll buy for you…”
Dan knitted his eyebrows as he stared back at Pinkie. “Dress… her? ” he uttered as he tried to process the unfamiliar word.
Pinkie frowned. “It’s a piece of furniture with drawers you put your clothes in sometimes if you have like… a lot of clothes.”
Dan tightened his brow. “You’re making that up.”
“Why would I make up a piece of furniture just to hold something I don’t normally wear?!” Pinkie shot back.
“I don’t know!” Dan cried as he held his hands out in frustration. “Why can’t people and ponies just use the floor?!”
“Uh… maybe because if you leave clothes in a massive pile for too long they get really smelly and require industrial strength rubber gloves and tongs to handle?!”
Dan narrowed his eyes. “Touché, Pinkie Pie, touché.” Dan pondered this. “… Alright, fine . I go to the Laundromat with you, you can buy me a dresser with your stupid magic wallet money... assuming it even exists…”
“Uh … the wallet or the dresser?”
“The dresser!” Dan answered. “I know your stupid pink magic wallet exists!”
Pinkie nodded. “And everyone is happy!” she cried as she and Dan began walking down the street.
“… I’m not happy…” Dan uttered in an irritable tone of voice.
Pinkie giggled. “Hehehe … Don’t worry, I’ll fix that.”
Dan sighed. “I was afraid you’d say that…”
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Dan and Pinkie Take a Slice out of Life
Part 1 Pinkie Vs. Clothes: Chapter 4: Pinkie Vs. Laundromat
Dan and Pinkie Take a Slice out of LifePart 1 Pinkie Vs. ClothesChapter 4: Pinkie Vs. Laundromat
Dan and Pinkie trudged down the bright, palm tree lined sidewalk as they made their way to the Laundromat. Dan trudged out of irritation that he had to make the trip and give up his plans of sitting at home and watching TV. Pinkie trudged because she was loaded down with clothes and her pink handbag that dangled around her neck. She stuck close to Dan and scanned the neighborhood nervously.
As Dan and Pinkie passed a fenced yard, a small dog bounded up to the edge and began yapping in a high pitch. “YIP! YIP! YIP! YIP! ”
“EEEEK !” Pinkie exclaimed as she hid behind Dan.
Dan stopped and glanced at the dog and then Pinkie Pie. He narrowed his eyes. “Seriously? A tiny dog is all it takes for you to use me as a human shield? You’re lucky I can at least use you as a pack mule, otherwise I’d just sell you into slavery.” Dan kept walking to get away from the dog as Pinkie stayed practically glued to his side.
Pinkie whimpered softly. “I’m sorry Dan, but I’m just not used to everything here! Everything is so noisy all the time! I don’t even know how you put up with it!”
Dan shrugged as his stared off into space, his eyes glazed over slightly. “Living here hardens you a bit… kinda like getting a callus on your foot except the pressures of living here toughens you everywhere… also you’re always just a liiiittle bit dead inside…”
“But… but I don’t want to be a little bit dead inside!” Pinkie exclaimed in a sad tone. She crinkled her brow. “Wait… what’s a callus?”
Dan turned and flung his hands out to his side. “How can you not know what a callus is?!” he cried.
“I uh … come from a different world?” Pinkie offered.
Dan frowned. “Alright, as far as excuses go, that one was pretty good…” Dan sighed. “A callus is when your skin hardens. People who are too stupid to realize there’s this thing called ‘cars’ sometimes get them from traveling on their feet too much.”
Pinkie looked down at her human feet and back up at Dan. “Uh … still not quite getting it… It’s only been a few days since I stopped walking around on hooves…”
Dan sighed.
“Hey! I have an idea!” Pinkie said enthusiastically. “Maybe you can make a ra—”
Dan narrowed his eyes. “If you ask me to make a rap about calluses, I’m going to wait until a car comes by and throw you in front of it!”
Pinkie pursed her lips and thought about this. “But I’m holding your clothes!” Pinkie protested as she shook the bags on her shoulders. “If you toss me into the road they might get ran over too! And then you’d have to carry them to the Laundromat…” Pinkie paused and added. “And uh … me to the hospital?” she added with a hopeful grin.
Dan paused and thought about this. “There is a strange wisdom in your words, stranger horse girl…” he uttered. “Fine! Just don’t ask me to make any more raps about stuff!” He paused and added, “…Why do you keep asking me to make a rap about everything and anything anyhow?!”
“Oh! Well, it’s how I learn and memorize stuff!” Pinkie said. “I mean… how do you learn stuff?”
Dan thought about this.
-ooooooo-<
Chris sat at a plain card table, dressed in his usual outfit of an unbuttoned orange shirt over a blue t-shirt and a pair of khakis. Dan sat across from him. An open box of ‘Questionable Pursuit’ and a setup game board was set between them.
Chris held up a red card and began to read a line off of it, “What famous si—”
“Willie Nelson and Jimmy Carter,” Dan answered.
Chris sighed. “Right again… that’s the fifth question in a row you answered before I even finished… Don’t tell me you have these all memorized.”
Dan chuckled. “Hehe … yeaaaah …”
<-ooooooo->
“Never mind that!” Dan cried. “We’re here,” he said as he and Pinkie walked by a large sign that read ‘24 HOUR LAUNDROMAT’. The two made their way through a small parking lot in front of a small metal building with plate glass windows. The inside of the building was lined with various square machines and bored-looking people who sat near piles of clothes. Dan walked up and held the door open, allowing Pinkie to walk in as she hefted the bags full of clothes.
Pinkie “Ooooh”ed and “Aaaaah”ed at her new surroundings, something Dan was quite used to hearing every time he took Pinkie somewhere new.
Dan walked in and led Pinkie to a large front-facing washing machine. “This will do, pack mule. You can drop the bags.”
Pinkie leaned down and dropped the bags on the floor, then quickly stood up. She stretched her arms out and uttered a relieved “Aaaaaaah! ” as small clicking noises sounded from her back.
“Alright,” Dan began, “you load the machine while I go buy some detergent.”
“Oooo!” Pinkie exclaimed. She dug into her rectangular handbag that was dangling off her neck and pulled out a pink wallet. She then pulled a large wad of bills out of that. “Let me pay!”
Dan’s eyes went wide. “Put that away!” he exclaimed in a hushed tone as he put his hands over the wad of bills and glanced behind him. He scanned the building for any unsavory-looking characters who might have seen Pinkie pull out the money then turned back to Pinkie. “Are you trying to get us both shived?!”
Terror quickly erupted across Pinkie’s face and she quickly put her money back in her wallet. “No!” She leaned down closer to Dan and whispered. “Being shived is one of my least favorite things right above being shanked and being stabbed.”
Dan cocked an eyebrow. “You have them ordered?”
Pinkie nodded. “I wrote a song about it since I got here. Wanna hear?”
Dan furrowed his brow. “I'd rather be mauled by a mountain lion and have birds feast on my entrails while I still draw breath,” he replied.
Pinkie sighed and slumped her shoulders. “It’s okay, I need to add something to the song now anyhow…” Pinkie’s expression shifted back to a natural one. “Why would we be shived?”
Dan began speaking in a quiet tone once more, “Because 24 hour Laundromats only house two kinds of people. The desperate, and the truly desperate.”
Pinkie frowned. “Which category are we in?”
“Well, wehave luxuries like a roof over our head that doesn’t leak most the time and a toaster that doesn’t shoot sparks… most of the time… so ‘the desperate’.”
“Don’t forget a foosball table!” Pinkie added happily.
Dan’s eyes went wide as he turned and glanced behind him. He noticed a few inquisitive eyes had found their way to him and Pinkie. He turned back to Pinkie with a scowl. “Dangit, pink girl! You can’t just say we have a foosball table! Quick! Mess up my clothes so I look poor and destitute!”
Pinkie looked Dan’s dirt and stain covered ensemble up and down. “Your clothes are already messy-wessy.”
Dan nodded. “Good job, Pinkie. Anyhow, you can’t just say stuff like that! People will think we’re a pair of upper-class yuppies who were forced to come to the Laundromat because our washing machine broke! We’ll be marked as easy pickings for sure!”
Pinkie looked around her soundings in wonder once more. “People own their own washing machines?”
Dan nodded. “And dryers, too.”
Pinkie gasped. “Wow! They must be rich as princesses and princes!”
Dan rolled his eyes. “They’re living the high life alright. They probably have microwaves that don’t require wearing lead vests to operate safely, too.”
Pinkie gasped. “That’s a thing?!”
Dan nodded. “Yeah, it’s a thing. Look! Just start loading clothes into the machine!” Dan commanded as he snatched Pinkie’s wallet, pulled out a 20 dollar bill and handed it back to her. “I’ll get some detergent and some quarters.”
“Okie-dokie-lokie!” Pinkie said happily as she leaned down towards one of the bags.
A sudden thought struck Dan as he walked away. He quickly turned and added, “Oh, and keep your distance as you open the—”
Pinkie erupted into a hacking cough as she opened the bag. “C O U G H-C O U G H-H A CK-C O U G H- Oh Celestia! It smells worse than Gummy’s litter box after baked bean muffin day!”
Dan rolled his eyes. “Never mind…”
Pinkie lifted the entire bag and tossed it into the washing machine, electing to pour the contents of the bag in and remove the bag from the machine rather than attempt to handle any of the potentially flesh melting clothes by hand.
Dan came back with a small box of detergent and a handful of quarters.
“Oooo! Let me! Let me!” Pinkie said excitedly.
Dan rolled his eyes as he handed the items to Pinkie.
Pinkie turned to the washer and smiled. She started bobbing her head back and forth rhythmically as she rapped, inserted money and detergent into the machine, and started turning knobs.
You put the money in the slot,
You turn the knob to hot.
I hope my roommate dies and rots.
“Hey!” Dan cried.
Pinkie stopped and turned to Dan. “I’m just repeating the lyrics you made up.”
“Oh, uh … carry on then,” Dan said.
Pinkie continued.
You put the detergent inside,
You set the water level to high.
Then you turn the machine on
And then everything is—
‘HmMmMmMmMmMmMmM…’
“Eeeeek! ”
Pinkie dove behind Dan’s back as the machine hummed to life. Dan shot her an unamused glance as she slowly lifted her head from behind him and stared at the machine.
Pinkie raised a finger and pointed at the washing machine. “Is it supposed to do that?” she asked.
Dan rolled his eyes. “Yes, moron. It’s supposed to do that.”
Pinkie breathed a sigh of relief. “Phew … For a second there I thought the machine was angry that we filled it with your horrible smelling clothing and” –Pinkie brought her hands up to her face and dug her nails into her cheeks— “ was going to get us and swallow us into that horrible mass of dirty clothes”—her eyes widened in horror as she pulled at her face—“where we’d suffer from the noxious fumes and find a new definition of pain and suffering as the machine used your dirty clothes juices to slowly digest us over a thousand years!”
Dan cocked an eyebrow and simply stared at Pinkie.
“What?” Pinkie asked.
“I’m trying to figure out if I should be upset or impressed you just made a comparison between my dirty clothes and being digested by a famous movie monster.”
“Oooo! Oooo! You can do what I do and combine the words!” Pinkie said with a smile. “How about ‘upressed’!” she suggested.
Dan rolled his eyes. “Oh you’re ‘upressive’, alright…”
“See! You’re getting it!” Pinkie said cheerfully.
Dan grumbled irritably to himself. “Whatever, I’m going to commandeer the TV and watch more crocodiles mauling stuff. You coming…?” Dan trailed off as he noticed Pinkie’s eyes were now transfixed on the washing machine. “What the heck are you doing now!?”
“Your clothes…” Pinkie murmured out as she watched Dan’s laundry slosh about in the machine. “It’s like… like they’re acting out some sort of underwater ballet!”
Dan stared at Pinkie blankly and blinked a few times. “…You need to get out more… or less so the slovenly masses don’t have to deal with your bizarre form of idiocy.”
Pinkie glanced at Dan. “I thought you didn’t like the ‘slovenly masses’. I mean… why else would you call them ‘the slovenly masses’?”
“Fine, ‘out more’ then!”
“Yay! More field trips into scary land!” Pinkie said excitedly.
“… Riiiight …” Dan turned. “I’m just going to be over here… watching TV… away from you,” he stated as he walked off into the Laundromat.
“Have fun!” Pinkie replied with a wave. She turned back to the washing machine. “It’s alright, Jeanie!” she said as a pair of Dan’s jeans drifted by. “You can do it! I believe in you!”
Dan walked over to a corner of the Laundromat where the bare walls met the windows. A simple looking plastic table with a few plastic chairs were set under an old, square TV that extended out from the wall on a metal mount. A large, gruff looking man with a grizzled brown beard, dusty orange baseball cap, dirty red-and-black flannel shirt, and equally dirty jeans sat in one of the chairs. The man stared up at a TV as a basketball game played on the screen.
Dan reached over for a remote on the table and grabbed it. He quickly switched the TV to the nature marathon he was watching.
“HEY!” the large man cried as he stood up angrily. “I was watching that!”
On the TV screen behind the man, a crocodile dragged a zebra into the murky depths of some muddy African river.
Dan nodded. “And now you’re watching something that will actually benefit you instead of mindless, boring sports garbage!”
“What!” The man protested. “Basketball is a very exciting sport!”
“Oh, that’s like saying ‘red is an exciting color of paint to watch dry’!” Dan counted. “Look! An orange ball gets passed back and forth a bunch of times, it gets thrown at hoops, one team wins, the other team loses. I’m sure some useless sports news show can tell you your team won or lost once my clothes are clean.”
The man shook his head. “I don’t have a team in this game! Members of my fantasy basketball team are playing.”
Dan’s eyes went wide. “Fa…fantasy basketball!? sport, and therefore of basically no importance whatsoever ! You actually found a way to make it more inconsequential?! Buddy, that might be the saddest thing I’ve ever heard, and I live with her!” Dan motioned past the man across the Laundromat to Pinkie who was busily fussing over the contents of the washing machine.
“No lefty!” Pinkie cried. “Don’t do it! YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!” She flung her face and hands at the machine. “NOOOOOOOO! ” she cried as she slid down the front of the machine. She followed this up with a soft, sad murmur, “Nooo ... nooo… ”
The bearded man glowered down at Dan. “Change it back or this is going to get ugly!”
Dan grinned and motioned out with an index finger. “Ugly like that stupid hat on your head, or ugly like that thing hanging off your beard?”
The man paused and looked attempted to look down at his beard.
“Oh my mistake,” Dan said as his grin widened. “That’s your face.”
The large man’s face darkened. “Oh, you’re in for it now…”
“Just a sec,” Dan said as he held out his hands. “Let me call my idiot roommate over.”
The man gave Dan a confused look. “What? What does she—”
“Hey, idiot!” Dan shouted out. “Get over here!”
Pinkie said nothing as she continued to watch the washer intently.
“MORON!” Dan cried.
“…”
“PIIIIIINKIEEEEE PIEEEEEEE!”
Pinkie turned. “Yes, Dan?”
“Why didn’t you respond when I was calling you earlier?!”
“Well, how the hay was I supposed to know you meant me when you called out ‘idiot’ and ‘moron’?!” Pinkie exclaimed. “You call everyone that!”
“Whatever!” Dan shouted back. “Just come over here!”
“But Dan,” Pinkie cried out in a protesting tone as she motioned to the washing machine, “I’m watching the unfolding drama of your clothes play out in the magic of the washing machine!” She pointed at the machine. “You see, one of your right socks and t-shirts clearly have feelings for each other, but don’t know how to express themselves! And every time they get close together, something tears them apart of gets in the way! It’s like some sort of external force is purposely toying with their and my emotions for its own twisted amusement!” Pinkie clutched her fingers into fists and held them up by her chin. “It’s captivating and maddening at the same time! Maddivating! ”
“Uh … how long is this going to take?” the large man asked.
Dan sneered up at the man. “I’M WORKING ON IT!” He turned back to Pinkie. “IT’S LAUNDRY !” he cried as he flung his hands out in frustration. “It doesn’t have interesting storylines or unexpected plot twists.”
Pinkie sighed and shook her head. “Poor, naive, Dan… You just can’t see the deep, well-crafted story because society's cultural norms have blinded you from finding joy in things not originally intended for your demographic.”
“What…?” Dan cried and confusion. “Stop being weird and get over here… or at least just get over here!”
“FINE!” Pinkie huffed out as she walked over. “What is it?” Pinkie asked as she approached Dan. “OH!” she exclaimed as she noticed the large man she was waking toward. “Erm … Hello big, scary-looking man… Were you going to turn me into your plaything?” she asked simply.
The large man stared blankly at Pinkie. “I…uh … what ?”
“Pinkie, don’t talk to creepy guys at the Laundromat!”
“Creepy?!” the man cried in protest.
Dan reached into his pocket, pulled out a quarter, and flicked it off his hand with his thumb onto the ground in front of Pinkie.
‘Kachink.’
“Now pick that up!” Dan commanded.
“Okie-dokie-lokie!” Pinkie said as she bent down to pick up the quarter.
The large man couldn’t help but stare at Pinkie as the pretty girl in the pink dress bent down to pick up the quarter.
Dan quickly moved himself so the large man was between him and the plate-glass window. Dan shifted his weight back then leaned forward and pushed the man in front of him with all his might. The distracted man quickly toppled backwards.
“Aaaaaaah!”
‘Krrrrssshriiiiiiiish! ’
Glass shattered and went everywhere as the man fell through the large window and hit the pavement on the other side.
‘Thump!’
Pinkie bolted upright, quarter in hand, and looked from side to side. “What happened?!”
Dan smiled and put an arm around Pinkie’s shoulder. “You were useful!” he said as he pointed to Pinkie with his free hand.
Pinkie’s mouth exploded into a happy smile. “I was?!”
Dan nodded up and down. “Yep! Now if you don’t mind, I have some hapless mammals to watch get eaten by dangerous swamp predators,” Dan announced as he sat in one of the chairs arranged in front of the TV.
“Sure, Dan!” Pinkie replied.
A pained moan drifted in from outside the broken window. “UuUuUuUuUuUuUhhh …”
Pinkie glanced outside and cringed. “Dan! I think this man needs medical attention!”
“And I think you need to shut up and watch things get eaten by crocodiles with me!”
Pinkie’s eyes went wide and her lips pulled open into a grimace as she looked down at the man outside then back to Dan, then back and forth a few times. She turned to the man lying on the cement. “Sorry… but I really want Dan to like me…” she uttered. She turned and bounded up to a chair next to Dan.
Dan smiled as Pinkie sat next to him. “You’ve made a wise choice.”
“Thanks!” Pinkie said. “Anyways, I kinda like crocodiles! They’re like a big version of my pet back home! So what’s getting eaten?”
Dan chuckled and pointed to the screen. “A horse.”
Pinkie looked up briefly as her pupils shrank to pin pricks. “EEEEEEEEK! ” she shrieked as she covered her face. “Sweet mother of Celestia! What’s wrong with this place?!”
“Well, if you aren’t up for watching this you can always get me a soda from the vending machine,” Dan said.
Pinkie uncovered her face and grinned pensively. “Oh, right! … A vending machine. A machine that vends. A machine that specifically vends… things …”
Dan sighed and shook his head. “Start beatboxing!” he uttered in an exasperated tone.
“Yay!” Pinkie exclaimed as she flung herself and her hands up excitedly.
Dan watched as Pinkie’s chair fell backwards with Pinkie in it.
“WHAAAAA!”
‘Thud!’
Dan peered down at her. “Uh … Are you okay?”
Pinkie responded by putting a fist to her mouth. “Boooom-pssssh-boom-boom-bopsssh! Boooom-pssssh-boom-boom-bopsssh! ”
Dan stared up at the ceiling grumpily.
You hunt for the rectangular machine that says ‘Soda’ on the front…
Which you’ll feed quarters to, you infuriating bit—
“HEY!”
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Dan and Pinkie Take a Slice out of Life
Part 2 Pinkie Vs. Hospital: Chapter 5 Dan Vs. The Produce Section
Dan and Pinkie Take a Slice out of Life Part 2 Pinkie Vs. Hospital Chapter 5 Dan Vs. The Produce Section -ooooooo-
The produce section. A colorful assortment of fruits and vegetables one could usually expect to find at any grocery store. The produce section at Dan’s local store was not particularly noteworthy. It contained the usual suspects of plants or plant parts as well as an assortment of fungi that were all supposedly edible.
Dan’s local produce section was so ordinary in fact, that the only thing out of the ordinary about it was the fact that he was occupying it at the moment. Just one more unexpected twist in life that shot searing pain through his body courtesy of the knife that now seemed to be permanently lodged in him… metaphorically speaking that is.
Currently leaning over Dan as he peered around the corner of a display holding pears was the knife… The metaphorical knife, who was in fact a very real girl, or rather a very real sapient, talking pony who was now a girl. This was all thanks to some crazy dimensional shenanigans which Dan considered unimportant compared to the fact that this hapless and helpless pony-person now seemed to be his permanent problem. Being his problem seemed to be her new primary purpose in both their lives.
Case in point, she had the audacity to request, nay, demand fruits and vegetables. As if this insult upon his home’s bounty of nearly expired turkey meat, generic white bread, mayonnaise, soda, and lactose free milk was not enough, she had threatened his very life if he didn’t escort her to the grocery store personally.
-ooo-<
Dan relaxed in his incredibly massive and luxurious fort created from only the finest furniture and pillows money could buy. He adjusted his monocle and top hat with one hand and stroked his perfectly clean-looking gray feline who was curled up on his lap. The T.V. in front of him cast a colorful soft glow over his fine suit and the walls made up of fine linens and extravagant pillows. He smiled to himself as he watched this afternoon’s fine offering of ‘When Goats go Ballistic’. An activity he would have gladly spent most the day doing if it weren’t for the rude interruption he was about to have.
“Dan! I’m hungry!”
Dan winced as the whining voice of his roommate rang out from the ornate entrance that was the underside of a foosball table.
“Why, my dear Pinkie Pie,” Dan called back, “certainly there is an abundance of food in the apartment that you can sustain yourself on.”
Pinkie Pie suddenly appeared in the entrance to the fort and crawled inside. Filling Dan’s eyes with the searing color of pink from her hair and his nostrils with the offensive floral scent of whatever strange substance the girl rubbed all over her body during her daily ritual of wasting water. Dan observed that her red floral shirt was inside out and the button to her jean shorts was left undone exposing just the tiniest bit of her frilly pink undergarments.
Dan considered this a massive improvement in Pinkie’s displayed ability to dress herself.
“Dan! I can’t just eat mayonnaise sandwiches every day!” Pinkie cried in that borderline hysterical way she used to carry on all conversations. “I’m picky and fussy! Also just more than a little bit insane!”
Dan cleared his throat. “Need I remind you that there is also ample turkey meat, aged to perfection, already pre-sliced for optimal sandwich creation?”
“No, Dan! Remember, I’m a pony from another dimension and don’t eat meat, and continue to refuse to do so because I’m completely beyond reason! Also stupid! I rudely refuse to eat your delicacy of pre-sliced turkey meat, despite your boundless generosity in allowing me access to a slice.”
Dan frowned. “Then I am afraid we are at an impasse! I have stocked my dwelling with more than enough foodstuff to provide a full meal, and yet you insist my pantries are inadequate to satiate your hunger.”
“Dan, I need fruits and vegetables or else I’ll die this very night! I believe this completely because I’m crazy, and also a woman.”
“But my dear, sweet Pinkie Pie,” Dan began in a concerned tone, “those substances are as senseless as they are tasteless! And those that do have taste are unpleasant to the senses! I beg you reconsider…”
“Dan! If you don’t take me to the store right now I will flood this apartment with my tears as I make a sound that will make your brains drain out of your ears. It will also cause dogs and Mr. Mumbles to howl in pain!”
From his lap, Mr. Mumbles looked up and mewed a concerned “meow”.
Dan let out a heavy sigh, knowing he would have to resign himself to the tortures of this insatiable woman for another afternoon.
<-ooo->
Yes. Dan was sure that’s how it went.
…
Shut up, you weren’t there!
“…I think you should touch one …”
Dan glared up through the mass of pink curls to the girl whose face hovered just above him as she also peered around the pear display. Both Dan and Pinkie were currently attempting to hide and keep what they assumed was a safe distance from some strange black and green oval shaped objects labeled ‘Avocados’.
“I’m not touching one…” Dan replied. “You touch one!”
“… But… they’re weird looking!” Pinkie whined.
“Oh, you’re one to talk!” Dan snapped.
Pinkie puffed out her lower lip as her eyes went wide. “I’m… I’m weird looking?”
“You have pink hair!” Dan cried. “PINK! And somehow that’s your natural hair color! Yes, that’s weird!”
Pinkie’s lower lip began to quiver as she reached for some of her flowing curly pink locks and stroked them. “Curly can’t help how she looks!”
Dan cocked an eyebrow. “You named and assigned gender to your hair…?”
Pinkie opened her mouth to reply.
“No wait!” Dan said. “I’m sure you have a story, or a song, or something that’s going to make me want to clean my ears with a power drill and I don’t want to hear it! Let’s just agree that you look weird,”—Dan pointed at Pinkie— “those look weird,”—Dan pointed back at the avocados—“and that you need to go up and touch one!”
“I still don’t get what the big dealy is!”
“They’re green and black!” Dan exclaimed. “Only evil things come in green and black! Don’t you watch movies?!”
Pinkie furrowed her brow slightly. “Dan, you know I’ve only been here for a little while! I’ve only seen what you’ve shown me!” Pinkie shuddered slightly. “And most of that is pretty scary.”
“Oh… right…” Dan rubbed his chin. “Alright, after this is over, I’ll show you movies that will tell you all you need to know about strange, oval shaped green and black objects, and why you should never approach them.”
“Yay! Movie night!” Pinkie cheered happily. She suddenly gave Dan a concerned look. “Wait they won’t be scary, will—”
“If you live, of course,” Dan added with a smirk.
Pinkie frowned. “If …?” she said in a worried tone.
Dan nodded. “You still need to go up there and touch one… I’m not going to lie, chances are they’ll hatch and you’ll be attacked by one or more parasitic organisms.”
Pinkie gulped. “Para… parasol-tick… organ… organ-schisms…?” Pinkie wrinkled her brow slightly. “Wait! You just said never to—”
“HEY! I’m still talking here! Can’t a guy impart some vital educational knowledge without being interrupted!?”
Pinkie gave Dan an apologetic look. “Sorry, Dan… Please, tell me more about these para…uh…whatevers that are going to attack me.”
Dan nodded. “Parasitic organisms… Or rather the parasitic larva of something bigger and nastier…”
Pinkie whimpered.
Dan continued, “That’s what green and black things usually hold…” Dan curled his fingers up simulating his hand having legs. “They hatch and jump right at you.” Dan placed his ‘living’ hand on Pinkie’s stomach.
Pinkie flinched and shot a fearful glance down at Dan’s hand. “And… and… and they’ll kill me?”
“Well, no…”
Pinkie breathed a sigh of relief.
“Not right away, anyhow…” Dan said as he made his hand slowly crawl up Pinkie’s body.
Pinkie’s eye went wide as she fearfully stared at Dan’s hand.
“First they need to impregnate you with their alien spawn.”
“But I’m too young to have scary alien babies, Dan!” Pinkie moaned.
Dan’s hand continued to ‘crawl’ up Pinkie’s side. “Well that’s too bad, once you go up there you’re going to be like… bonkers impregnated with one or more alien spawn that will slowly eat you from the inside out.”
“Eeek! ” Pinkie swatted at Dan’s hand as he brought it close to her face. “Dan, I changed my mind. I wanna go home and forget all about scary alien eggs!”
“Great!” Dan said happily, standing up. “Let’s just go home and watch a movie… I’m thinking ‘Alien ’.”
“Dan, wait!” Pinkie said.
Dan let out a heavy sigh. “What the heck is it now?!”
“Someone’s walking up to the avocado-monster-egg-thingies!”
Dan quickly ducked down next to Pinkie and watched as a woman with long brown hair, carrying a shopping basket, walked up to the avocados and began looking at them.
Pinkie gasped. “The avocado thingamabobs didn’t hatch!”
Dan raised a finger to his lips “Shhhhhh!”
The woman picked one up and squeezed one, frowned, then placed it back. She repeated this process a couple of times until she seemed to find a satisfactory one. She placed the avocado in her basket and walked off.
Pinkie stood up. “Dan! Did you see that! She touched a bunch of the scary egg thingies and they didn’t hatch.”
Dan wrinkled his brow slightly. “She must be part of some sort of death cult that purposely sacrifices themselves to— Pinkie! Get back here! NO! Don’t pick that up!”
Dan irritably got up to his feet and marched up to Pinkie who clearly had a death wish as she had simply walked up to the avocado display and picked one up.
“Put that down!” Dan demanded. “Who knows what you’ll be infected with after prolonged exposure?”
“Dan! I don’t think it’s an egg thingy,” Pinkie said. “It’s a squishy thingy.”
Dan sighed heavily. “Glad you have such an extensive vocabulary regarding the classification of objects.”
Pinkie gasped. “Dan! It’s here in the fruit and veggie section so it must be a fruit or veggie thingy!”
Dan narrowed his eyes. “Pinkie, I’m going to punch your face in the face!”
Pinkie stared blankly at Dan for a moment. “My… my face’s face? Do I… do I have one?” Pinkie crossed her eyes and looked up as if trying to examine her own forehead.
Dan raised both sets of fingertips up to his forehead and began rubbing it. “Pinkie… If someone could somehow take and bottle the things you say, they’d have control over a super-weapon the likes of which the world has never seen or heard before!”
Pinkie smiled up at Dan. “Gee, thanks! I think that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me!”
“Don’t mention it,” Dan said, adding “ever” through clenched teeth.
“Excuse me…”
Dan turned and glared at the unwelcome interruption that had the gall to walk right up to him and utter a quiet ‘Excuse me’. In this case, a stout man with balding brown hair, glasses, a red sweater covering a blue shirt and blue tie, black pants, and black shoes.
“You’re excused! ” Dan snapped back. “Now leave , we’re in the middle of an important scientific discovery.”
Pinkie held the avocado closer to her face and stared at it intently. “It’s definitely a bumpy thingy…”
The man frowned. “I just want an avocado.”
Dan grumbled irritable, grabbed a random avocado and held it out for the man. “There! Done! Now shoo!” Dan said as he attempted to wave the man away with his fingers. “Let the professionals work!”
“Dan! Not all the avocados are squishy!” Pinkie called out. “I need to rethink my whole system here!”
“This is taking forever!” Dan whined.
“I can’t take this avocado!” the man exclaimed.
Dan pinched the bridge of his nose with a thumb and forefinger. “Yes… you… can!” Dan asserted. “Just go up to the cashier, hand them the stupid thing, tell them that you want to buy it, and give them money…”
The man furrowed his brow. “No, but—”
Dan removed his hand and glared at the man. “You do know how money works, right? And which dead president is on which bill?”
“I can’t take this avocado because it’s not ripe!” the man asserted.
“Ooo! Ooo! Dan!” Pinkie exclaimed. “Breakthrooooough~ ! Squishiness must correspond to ripee ness!”
The man nodded. “See! She gets it!”
Dan let out an irritated “Ugh! ” before wheeling on Pinkie. “This is why fruits are complete and utter bull-hooky! There’s too many variables to figure out if they’re edible or not! This is just one of the many reasons why meat is superior! All you need is to look at the color and give it a smell and you’re good to go.”
The man gave Dan a quizzical look. “Wait… avocados are fruit?”
Dan stared blankly at the man for a second. “Pinkie, I think I need to confiscate your ‘Ruler of the Idiots’ crown and give it to this man.”
“Okay!” Pinkie said cheerfully as she looked up from the avocado in her hand. “We’ll have to go back to the apartment and get it, though.”
“Hey!” the man protested raising his palms in front of him. “It was just a simple question. I just didn’t know avocados had one of those strange classifications like tomatoes.”
Dan glared angrily at the man and motioned to the avocados. “Does this look like something that just sprung from the ground?!” He picked one up. “It clearly came off a vine or tree or something!”
“Ooooooooh! ” Pinkie uttered. “So that’s how you tell the difference!” she said happily.
Dan narrowed his eyes and stared at Pinkie. “Pinkie, you can keep your crown.”
“‘Kay,” Pinkie replied. “The color of the glitter was specifically picked to match my hair, anyhow…”
Dan’s eye twitched irritably and turned back to yell at the bespectacled man still hovering near the avocados. “Seriously!” Dan cried. “What institution did you escape from?! Wherever it was, I demand you go back and take her with you,” Dan said as he pointed his thumb behind him at Pinkie.
“You now what?” the man said. “I’ll just be back later…” He turned and began to walk away.
“DON’T THINK YOU CAN JUST STROLL AWAY FROM IGNORANCE!” Dan shouted after the man, shaking his fist in the air. “YOUR STUPIDITY WILL CATCH UP WITH YOU SOMEDAY, AND WHEN IT DOES I HOPE I’M THERE TO POINT AND LAUGH.” Dan felt a tapping on his shoulder.
Dan turned to glare at Pinkie. “WHAT!?”
Pinkie smiled and held up an avocado. “A fruit huh…? Let’s take it home and figure out what to do with it.”
“FINALLY!” Dan cried.
“After I pick up a few more fruits and veggies…” Pinkie added.
“GAH! ” Dan cried as he ruffled his hair in frustration. He didn’t exactly know why… but somehow he knew Pinkie had not yet begun to twist the metaphorical knife lodged in the body of his life today.
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Dan and Pinkie Take a Slice out of Life
Part 2 Pinkie Vs. Hospital: Chapter 6 Pinkie Vs. Avocado
Dan and Pinkie Take a Slice out of Life Part 2 Pinkie Vs. Hospital Chapter 6 Pinkie Vs. Avocado -ooooooo-
Dan threw open the doors to his apartment and trudged inside, a scowl on his face directed on anything in front of him. “I can’t believe you’re polluting the sanctity of my—“Dan paused for a moment and glanced upwards—“sanctuary with your rainbow assortment of devil food.” Dan turned to glare at Pinkie as she walked in behind him, a large paper bag hefted in either arm in front of her, covering her face. “I also can’t believe you made me carry one of those filthy—blech— paper bags and hold your hand up the stairs!”
Pinkie peaked her head out from behind one of the bags. “But I get all trippy and fally on the stairs, still!” she said.
Dan began to grumble under his breath, “Should have tossed the bag over the side… and the other one… and you…”
Pinkie took a few steps over to the kitchen counter and set the bags down. “Besides!” She said turning towards Dan. “Veggies and fruits are good and good for you! They’re not evil!”
“Oh yeah?” Dan replied. “Then why does the very earth itself reject them? Pushing them away from itself as if it was trying to distance itself from their devilry!”
Pinkie smirked. “Potatoes come from the ground.”
Dan simply smiled back, showing off his set of yellowing teeth. “Well I’m not sure what they teach you back in horsey-horse land, but if you check any nutritional chart here you’ll find potatoes under carbohydrates or stable starches. Safely fenced off from the fruity rumpus craphole factory that’s the fruits and vegetable sections.” Dan folded his brow slightly. “Say, what do they teach in horsey-horse land? I can only imagine it’s all about the proper way to frolic and how rainbows should make you feel when you look at them.”
“Pffft… I wish,” Pinkie said as she waved a hand about. “It’s all math and history and junk. I had to learn all the fun stuff like frolicking and how to build party cannons and gyrocopters all on my lonesome!”
“… What?” Dan quickly shook his head back and forth. “No, never mind… The point is fruits and vegetables are the creation of Lucifer himself and you should feel bad for using your high pitched, girly attack screech on me.”
Pinkie gave Dan a sour look. “I didn’t use any girly attack screech!” she said shrilly.
“See!” Dan cried. “You did it again!”
“Look, I just—”
“Seriously! You sound like an angry bat.”
Pinkie’s left eye twitched slightly as she gritted her teeth. She let out an annoyed “Grrrrrr!” before reattempting her sentence. “Look, I just told you I’d had almost nothing but bread since I got here and might have the early symptoms of scurvy!”
-ooooo-<
Pinkie leaned down and crawled into the large and funtastic furniture fort that Dan and she had constructed. Though using almost all the apartment’s furniture and it’s unusually large amount of throw pillows to construct the fort made for some interesting living challenges, but Pinkie loved the fort as both a fun place to spend some time with her favorite roommate in the whole wide world and also as a symbol of the their internal bond of friendship.
<-“Wow, even your thoughts are ridiculously stupid and lame!”->
<-“Shhhhh! I’m telling a story!”->
<-“Fine, whatever! Go back to lying, you liar, liar, shorts soon to be on fire.”->
ANYWAY, Pinkie had almost completely dressed herself. Only the one stupid, shiny button on her shorts kept her from scoring a 100% on that hectic endeavor. No doubt Dan, a.k.a The Best Roommate ever, would be overjoyed that she only needed him to help her with the one button instead of the zipper or stupid clasppy things she needed for her chest-lump holder.
Dan sat on the mattress that served as the floor and bed for both him and Pinkie. Mr. Mumbles, who was a girl cat despite her name, and was also very fuzzy and fun to pet sat in Dan’s lap. Dan was dressed in his Mr. Moneybags outfit for some reason… probably because it was fun.
Pinkie made a mental note to purchase more disguises for herself and check her hair inventory for anything usable that might have made it across the dimension with her.
“Uh… Hey, bestest best friend in the whole wide world?” Pinkie said to her bestest best friend in the whole wide world.
“What is it, pink girl?” Dan asked in his usual grumpy tone. “Can’t you see I’m watching a very important document regarding how goats can be a useful tool regarding decreasing the surplus population?”
“Okay… well I’m sure watching goats go crazy is very important, I was hoping you could take me to the store.” Pinkie gave Dan her best hopeful friendship smile. “Pretty please?”
“The store is like five blocks away! Can’t you go yourself?”
Pinkie wrapped her arms around herself remembering that outside was full of scary things. “But… but it’s really scary outside! I could be attacked again by a scary man! Or even a dog that doesn’t want to be my friend! Or even a scary man riding a dog that doesn’t want to be my friend!”
“What do you even need from the store?”
Pinkie puffed out her lower lip. “I’m hungry and the only thing here for me to eat is bread, mayonnaise, and soda!”
“And turkey meat!” Dan cried indignantly. “It’s not my fault you’re not adjusting to your new living situation and refuse to accept basic facts about the food chain you find yourself on top off.”
From the T.V. a man’s tortured scream was soon cut off by an angry sounding bleat of a goat.
“Er… under goats.”
“Dan! What if there are killer goats outside!”
Dan sighed. “Where do you think this is? Some horribly third world country like Denmark?”
Pinkie gave Dan a sheepish grin. She was still learning a lot about the world. “Uh… Is it?”
“No you idiot ! This is America where goats and their murderous intentions are held at bay by the American Goat Society.”
“Oh… but if I go outside I could still be attacked by scary men or dogs?”
“Oh, absolutely. It’s sad, but violent, angry men are just allowed to run free, and who knows if one of those little terrors people keep behind their measly defenses will decide to jump fence and start biting the heck of anyone they see.”
Pinkie’s eyes widened as she felt water pool around her eyes. She tried to choke back her sobs, but this place was still scary even with a tough guy like Dan to keep her safe. Going out alone where she could be picked off by some stranger or dog was a terrifying thought.
“… hic… sob… WOUHAAAAAHOUAAAAAAHOUAAAAAAAAA…!”
“Alright, geez! Stop crying! I’ll take you to the stupid store to get oats or whatever it is you horses eat.”
Pinkie immediately stopped crying and smiled happily at her bestest best roommate/friend and the whole wide world. “I don’t need oats. I just want some fruits and veggies.”
“WHAT?!” Dan roared in that voice that meant he was really angry and just not the regular type of grumpy he usually was. “YOU WANT TO FILL MY APARTMENT WITH THAT GARBAGE?!”
“Dan! I’m feeling all tired and weird and stuff! I told Elise about it and she said that my diet of just bread and soda might mean I was starting to get scurvy! And as much as I like pirates, I really like my teeth Dan! I use them every day!”
Dan sighed as he lifted Mr. Mumbles off his lap and crawled towards the entrance of the furniture fort. “You really whine about the stupidest things, you know that?”
Pinkie grinned cheerfully. “On that note, can you help me with my shorts button?”
“GHA!” Dan cried back in annoyance.
<-ooooo->
“That’s not how it happened!” Dan cried.
Pinkie folded her arms across her chest. “That’s pretty much exactly how it happened!”
Dan narrowed his eyes and leveled an angry index finger at Pinkie. “Look, unless you have a witness to backup this fable you cooked up, I’m not going to believe a word you say!”
Mr. Mumbles poked her head out from under the furniture forts Foosball table entrance. “Meow.”
Dan turned and glared at the cat. “Traitor!”
“It’s okay, Dan!” Pinkie said in a chipper tone. “Now I can make all the salads, both fruit and regular kind, that I want!” Pinkie pursed her lips slightly. “But I still don’t know what to do with the avocado thingy…”
Dan shot Pinkie an irritated scowl. “I have an idea…”
Pinkie’s face lit up. “Ooo! Ooo! You know how I should eat it?”
Dan shook his head. “No, but my idea does involve shoving it in an orifice.”
Pinkie tapped the side of her chin thoughtfully as she stared upwards for a moment. “Hmmmm … Maybe Elise knows…” Pinkie smiled. “I can call her up on your magic talking thingy!”
“Stop calling that evil minion stealer on my phone!” Dan shouted back. “She’s the one who filled your head with all this nonsense about needing fruits and vegetables! She’s clearly bought into the plot set forth by the vegetable illuminati that’s spreading the lie you need fruits and vegetables every day!”
Pinkie frowned. “So I’m guessing you don’t want any yummy salad, fruit or otherwise…”
“Just keep your Satan plants away from me,” Dan replied. He walked over to the furniture fort and crawled inside, returning to watching relaxing programs of animals attacking other animals and sometimes people. He silently endured the occasional annoyance of Pinkie’s moans of pleasure as she sampled her evil and disgusting plants and then her obnoxiously high pitched voice as she conversed with hated and known minion thief Elise.
“Okie-dokie-lokie!” Pinkie said. “Bye-bye, Elise!” Dan heard Pinkie hang-up the phone before she decided that she simply hadn’t stolen away enough of his time today.
“Dan!” Pinkie called out. “Elise says I can make guacamole from the insides of the avocado thingy!”
Dan rolled his eyes. “That can’t possibly be a real thing! It sounds even more made up than anything else you’ve said today.”
“She says I just cut it in half and scoop out the green stuff, mash it up, then mix it with lemon juice, salt, and some other veggies and spices!”
Dan sighed. “Seriously, who in their right mind makes a green goo with the purpose of eating it? Look, if you want to perform some sort of mad science experiment with obviously completely inedible and unnatural plant matter, be my guest! Just leave me out of it.”
“Fine!” Pinkie said in a slightly exasperated tone. “More Guacamole for me!”
“GOOD! I hope you choke on your green goo and die! Now stop bugging me unless you actually have something important to say.”
For a brief handful of moments, all Dan could here was the T.V. in front of him. Pinkie quickly put a stop to that once again.
“Ooo! Ooo! Dan! I found a big round wooden ball thingy in the middle of the avocado thingy when I cut it open! What do?!”
“SERIOUSLY!” Dan snapped back. “I just told you to leave me alone unless it was important! You have a knife! Just… cut it out or something!”
“Oh… Okay!” Pinkie replied cheerfully.
Dan returned to watching the T.V. Thankfully , Pinkie had finally quieted down. Only interrupting the sound of the nature program with the sound of a startled yelp and some high pitched whines of pure terror, nothing too out of the ordinary.
…
… Wait, what?
“Da… Dan? ” Pinkie called out in a strained tone.
Dan sighed as he crawled out of the fort and stood up. “Pinkie, this better be go—GhaHaaahhaaaahhaaahaaaaaaaa? ”
Pinkie held her hands up in front of her face, her right clamped tightly around her left wrist, and her left hand held half of an avocado and its pit despite her fingers not gripping it. A steak knife that was shoved straight through the pit with the blade exiting out the back of her hand kept the fruit in place.
Pinkie gulped as she tore her eyes away from the avocado and knife that where now affixed to her hand. She gave Dan a pained, terrified look as she began to speak in a squeaky, anxious voice, “Does… does this count as important?”
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Dan and Pinkie Take a Slice out of Life
Part 2 Pinkie Vs. Hospital: Chapter 7 Pinkie Vs. Blood Loss
Dan and Pinkie Take a Slice out of Life Part 2 Pinkie Vs. Hospital Chapter 7 Pinkie Vs. Blood Loss -ooooooo-
“Maybe it’s not as bad as it looks,” Dan said as blood began to seep out from the sharp point sticking out of Pinkie’s hand.
“DAN!” Pinkie exclaimed as she held her right hand closer for Dan to see. “There’s a freakin’ Avacathingy stuck to my hand because there’s a knife going through the big ball thingy through the front of my hand and—”
Dan narrowed his eyes. “Palm.”
“What?! ”
“The front of your hand is called the ‘palm’. Geez, it’s like you’ve only hand hands for a few weeks.”
“I have only had hands for a few weeks!”
Dan shook his head and motioned to Pinkie’s ‘avocado’ hand. “And it shows! You don’t even know how to take care of them! Sticking fruit to them through impaling them is hands one-o-one. ”
“I DIDN’T MEAN TO STAB MY HAND, DAN! CAN WE FOCUS?!”
“Alright! Stop yelling! What’s the big deal!?”
Pinkie’s head twitched involuntarily as ‘irritated’ and ‘frustrated’ joined ‘anguished’ and ‘panicked’ on the massive expression party that was taking place on her face. She removed her right hand from her wrist to point towards the steak knife still stabbed clean through the half an avocado, its pit, and her hand.
“Oh right, that…” Dan said. He stared at Pinkie’s hand thoughtfully for a second. “Have you tried walking it off?”
Pinkie’s left eye twitched. “Until the knife falls out or my hand falls off?!”
Dan scrunched his lips up “Hmmm… Alright fine, I’ll pull the stupid knife out.”
Pinkie’s eyes widened. “And that’s… safe?”
“You’ll be fine…” Dan pulled his lips and eyes to the left side of his face “… probably.”
Pinkie puffed out her lower lip. “Won’t I start bleeding more if we pull out the knife?”
Dan knit his brow. “Yes but… I’m surprised you knew that.”
“Well d’uuuuuhhh! I work in a kitchen! I know about knife safety!” Pinkie looked down at the knife stabbed through her hand. “Er … When it comes to hooves,” she added meekly.
“Look, I’ll pull out the knife, you’ll hopefully not scream loud enough to wake the mass grave of my former roommates out back, and—”
The color drained from Pinkie’s face. “What, what, WHAT?!”
Dan smiled wickedly. “Nothing! Let’s just get that knife out! You’ll have an easier time digging with both hands.”
Pinkie’s eyes opened wide and she inhaled as much air into her lungs as they would take.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
-Several minutes later-
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH—!”
Dan had his eyes shut tight as he pressed his hands hard against the side of his head. “FOR THE LAST TIME, I WAS JOKING!
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH — Really?— AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!”
“YES!”
“AAAAAAAAHHHH — AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!”
“I’VE NEVER HAD A ROOMMATE BEFORE!”
“AAAAAAAAHHHH— really?! ” Pinkie said as her face lit up. “I’m your firstie?!”
Dan removed his hands from his ears and narrowed his eyes. “Yes, and ‘lastie’ too, hopefully. I’ve learned having a roommate is like having the measles, once is enough.”
Pinkie began to bounce up and down excitedly. “Oh my gosh ! Ohmygosh, Dan! I had no idea I was your firstie!”
“Stop saying that!”
“We need to do sooo many first time roommate things together!”
“We really don’t.”
Pinkie began counting off on her ‘avocado hand’ which was now smeared red as small trickles of blood dropped to the dingy carpet below. “Like a firsties party—
“We already—”
“—and a firsties ice Cream Sunday!”
Dan narrowed his eyes. “You know I’m—”
“—and a firsties shopping trip—”
“Done that too!”
“and firsties manicure—”
Dan looked at his hands. “Well, my nails have been neglected for a—”
“And a—Owch! ” Pinkie winced as she extended her thumb and looked down, suddenly remembering there was a knife keeping a large piece of fruit stuck to it. “… firsties trip to the hospital!”
“What!?” Dan cried. “No! Hospitals are for the elderly, the dying (which is sort of the same when you think about it), and pregnant ladies.” Dan frowned heavily. “Wait, you aren’t pregnant, are you?”
Pinkie gave Dan a confused look then looked down at her own stomach, patting it a couple times before looking back up at Dan. “Do I look like I’m carrying a tiny Pinkie Pie around?!”
“Well I don’t know where your weird, magic pony babies come from!”
“Dan! I’m human now!”
“Oh…” Dan said as he looked Pinkie up and down. “Uh… right… ” he said as he stared at Pinkie sheepishly.
Pinkie shot Dan a quizzical expression. “What?”
“Nothing!” Dan insisted. “It’s just… You don’t think you’re pregnant now , do you?”
Pinkie cocked an eyebrow. “Dan, do you even know where babies come from?”
“Of course I do!” Dan said indignantly. “They’re created in a baby farm where robots feed them the liquid remains of the dead, just like nature intended!”
“Dan! That’s horrible!” Pinkie said. “Also probably not true because I’ve seen at least a few pregnant ladies while I’ve been here.”
Dan hummed thoughtfully. “Hmmm … are you sure , they weren’t just… really, really fat, ladies or even Chris in a dress? I mean… that’s a pretty easy mistake to make.”
“Where did you even hear that baby farm thing from?!”
“Uh… A documentary… about… the future… shut up! ”
“Don’t tell me your parents never told you where you came from!”
“Well, I was conceived after my parents celebrated one of the most important moments of their lives!”
“Their marriage?”
“No, Hulk Hogan defeated the Iron Sheik and became the World Wrestling Federation champion… Why would anyone celebrate their marriage?”
Pinkie sighed heavily. “Alright… Just sit tight while Pinkie Pie explains the birds and the bees…”
-Several minutes later… Again-
“… and that’s why I’m not allowed to hug storks! Any questions? Comments?”
Dan stared at Pinkie, his face seemingly locked into an irritated scowl. “At no point did you actually talk about babies! It was all cabbage patches, how to bake buns, and wildlife nonsense!”
Pinkie nodded. “Right, right, that’s a good note…” She frowned. “Wait… What was I supposed to be talking about again?” She raised her right hand up to her head. “I’m feeling kind of light-headed because…” Pinkie’s eye widened as she raised her left hand in front of her. “Right, right… still losing blood… because of being stabbed… So… Hospi—”
“NO!” Dan cried. “We’re not starting that up again! Look, I’ll just pull out the knife, we’ll wrap some duct tape over the hole in your hand, you can have some juice and a cookie, and you’ll be fine!”
Pinkie thought for this for a moment. “Well… I do like cookies and juice…” She frowned slightly as her forehead wrinkled. “But where’d you hear about wrapping duct tape around holes and people’s hands.”
“… It was in a documentary…”
“… Was it a documentary about the future?”
“No, Aztech vampires. Now shut up and give me your hand.”
Pinkie giggled. “How can I do that? I’m rather attached to it.”
Dan narrowed his eyes. “You won’t be when it becomes gangrenous and falls off!”
“Eep! ” Pinkie said jumping slightly. She brought her right arm up to her eyes and covered them as she held up her left hand.
Dan slowly moved his hand closer up to the knife. “One… two…”
“ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
“PINKIE!”
“AAAAAAAAAAAA— — AAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
“I HAVEN’T EVEN TOUCHED THE KNIFE YET!”
“AAAAAAAAAAAA … Oh?” Pinkie lifted her arm and smiled sheepishly.“Haha! Oops! Boy, is my face red!” She frowned. “Also my hand… because of blood lo—”
Dan quickly reached out and grabbed the knife, yanking with all his might.
“ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! ” Pinkie screeched as Dan only succeeded in yanking the knife, avocado, and hand upwards.
“Owwww!” Dan cried as he closed his eyes tightly and cringed, bringing is hands up to his ears. “Can’t you just whimper quietly or suffer in silence or unconsciousness like Chris usually does?”
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE – – EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
“STOP THAT!” Dan commanded.
Pinkie clamped her mouth shut.
Dan rolled his eyes and sighed. “Yeah, monkey-face can’t seem to go a week or two with going to the”— Dan pulled a face as if he had just tasted something rotten— “hospital. Stupid hypochondriac!” Dan bobbed his head from side to as he looked upward. He began to speak in a mocking, but higher pitched tone “Dan! I think I broke my arm when we fell down that cliff and you landed on it! Dan! I think that totem pole that fell on my stomach gave me internal injuries! Dan! I think my heart just stopped from eating all that deep fried bacon!”
“Wait…” Pinkie uttered. “Hyper-conch-tree-ack?”
Dan sighed. “It means a person who just thinks something is wrong with them when really they’re fine and hardly bleeding out their mouth at all!”
“Oh…” Pinkie said. She looked at her hand. “Well, I’m not bleeding out of my mouth , but I’ve certainly lost a lot of blood from my hand!”
Dan looked at Pinkie’s blood smeared hand thoughtfully. “Alright… Next plan…” He went over to a drawer and after some light rustling of silverware, he pulled out a steak knife identical to the on Pinkie had in her hand.
Pinkie gulped. “You stab yourself in the hand and we become knife-hand buddies?”
“No you idiot! I use this knife to get out that knife! Just cut it out! You know, fight fire with fire!”
Pinkie let out a small, distressed squeak. “I don’t like this plan.”
“Well, you’re going to hate plan ‘c’ then, because it involves fire.”
The distress on Pinkie’s face only worsened as she clamped her right fingers over her wrist and brought her left hand closer to her.
‘Knock! Knock! Knock!’
The two turned as they heard a light, rhythmic rap on the door.
Dan sighed. “Oh, what now?”
“Dan? Pinkie?” An older-sounding male voice called out as a few more knocks on the door were added. “Are you two alright?”
“Ghah!” Dan cried. “Your stupid screaming finally caught the attention of the stupid landlord!”
Pinkie breathed a sigh of relief. “Oh right! Mr. Gafldan said he’d be by tomorrow to go over the paperwork since I’m not living in the apartment next door anymore!”
“What!?” Dan cried. “You invited the landlord over and didn’t tell me!”
“You were in the middle of ‘When Capybaras attack!’” Pinkie cried. “I couldn’t get your attention so I wrote a note and stuck it on the fridge!” Pinkie quickly motioned out to Dan’s fridge, pointing to scrap of notebook paper held up with pink heart magnets that was summarily splattered with blood as she flicked her hand out towards it.
Dan narrowed his eyes as the fresh globs of blood ran down the length of the paper and onto the fridge.
“Alright, in my defense it was only recently covered in blood!”
“Blood I can handle,” Dan said as he squinted at the sparkly pink scrawl on the paper. “It’s your frou-frou illegible pink glitter writing that’s the problem!”
‘Knock! Knock!’
“Dan! Pinkie! I have the paperwork we talked about.”
“I’ll get it~!” Pinkie sang out as she practically skipped to the door.
Dan cocked an eyebrow. “Don’t you want to deal with the knife stuck through your hand, first?”
“Noper!” Pinkie said. “Mr. Gafldan is our very special landlord and I’m sure he’s brought over super important paperwork for us to sign!” Pinkie said opening the door.
Blinding daylight flooded the apartment as an older gentlemen with a long silvery-white beard and long hair stood in the doorway. As Pinkie and Dan’s eyes adjusted to the light, they could see their guest wore a long white bathrobe and held a long, white walking stick tipped with a smooth diamond-like shape with intricate carvings where the center had been hollowed out. He regarded his tenants with kind, but piercing blue eyes. “Ah, Pinkie!” he said jovially as he produced a number of stabled together forms with his free hand. “I have the paperwork we discussed. Nothing important but it’ll make your leaving of the apartment next door and moving here official.”
“Hello, Mr. Gafldan!” Pinkie greeted.
Dan merely grumbled and avoided eye contact.
Mr. Gafldan’s scanned the dingy apartment, his eyes barely lingering on the flesh splatters of blood, but hesitating a moment or two on the mass of furniture arranged into a fort in the living room area. “I love what you two have done with the place,” he said without even a hint of sarcasm. “The apartment has a nice ‘open’ feeling to it.” His eyes drifted downwards to Pinkie’s bleeding hand and he gave her a concerned look. “That looks quite the injury. Are you sure you’re alright, my dear?”
“What? This?” Pinkie asked as she held up her blood soaked hand. “It’s fine! It doesn’t need to be cut with a second knife or set on fire at all!”
Mr. Gafldan chuckled and shook his head. “You young people with your avocados. Why, back in my day it was bagels everyone was slicing their hands up with!”
Pinkie winced and giggled nervously.
Dan cocked an eyebrow. “When was this?” Dan asked snidely. “Had Pearl Harbor been bombed yet, or had you even gotten to see the Hindenburg light-show at that point?”
“Haha , oh my, no!” Mr. Gafldan answered cheerfully. “People would often cut themselves while waiting for this fancy new invention known as ‘trains’ to show up.”
“Haha…” Pinkie said with a distant look on her face as she swayed slightly from side to side. “Trains are noisy!” Pinkie raised her left hand as blood dripped down her arm. She pumped it a couple times, miming pulling a whistle pull cord. “Hehehe… Choo-choo chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga Choo! ”
Dan flashed Pinkie a sideways look then turned back to Mr. Gafldan, narrowing his eyes slightly. It was exceedingly difficult to get under Mr. Gafldan’s skin and he could never quite tell if the old man was joking or not. “Not that I mind you minding your own business, but why are you only now coming here?!” Dan cried. “Didn’t you hear Pinkie screaming her head off for several minutes straight?”
“Yes, well… It did sound a bit lively in there, but it often does when you’re involved, Dan,” Mr. Gafldan said with a chuckle. “But I have to give at least 24 hours’ notice before entering a residence’s apartment! Rules are rules. Speaking of which…” Mr. Gafldan brought his papers up to his face, flipped a few, and then held it up to Pinkie. “I need your signature here, my dear.”
Pinkie woozily tapped her right index finger against some of the blood leaking down her arm then brought over the bloodied finger to smear her signature across the bottom of the paper. Finished, she tried her best to dot the ‘i’s with large, red hearts.
“Hahaha , oh my! How Faustian of you!” Mr. Gafldan said. He turned to Dan. “I need your signature too, Mr. Mandel.”
Dan grumbled again and swiped his finger over Pinkie’s left arm and stabbed at the paperwork, adding his own signature in Pinkie’s blood to the document. “Are we done!?” Dan said, lacing his whining words with irritation. “Because that took forever.”
“Hrmmmm …” Mr. Gafldan hummed. “Only two minutes by my count.”
“Oh, whatever!” Dan cried. He motioned to Pinkie’s arm, “If you’ll excuse us we have a knife to dislodge or burn off!”
“Daa aa aa n!” Pinkie said as her swaying from side to side increased. “I kee eee p tell ll ing youu uu … I’m fii ii …” Pinkie trailed off as her eyes rolled back into her head and one of her sways took her a bit closer to the ground than the ones before.
‘Thud!’
… Or ‘all the way to the ground’ in this case.
Mr. Gafldan leaned over, looking down with concern at Pinkie. He gave her a few gentle prods with his walking stick causing Pinkie to moan in response.
Mr. Gafldan turned towards Dan. “I think you better get her to the hospital.”
Dan narrowed his eyes at the older gentleman. “Don’t tell me how to live my life!”
“It’s her life I’m worried about!” Mr. Gafldan replied as his light, jovial tone suddenly turned stern.
“Grrrrr … Okay, fine! I’ll take Pinkie to the stupid hospital! Geez! You’d think this is a life or death situation or something…” Dan said in an exasperated tone as he stomped off through the apartment and into the bedroom. “But I’m not leaving a tip!” Dan said as the sound of keys jingling could be heard.
“I… I beg your pardon?” Mr. Gafldan said.
Dan walked back into the kitchen area, keys in hand. He grabbed a drawer handle and pulled it open with a huff , pulling out a roll of duct tape. “The doctors! On the off chance we get a real one, they already make enough money without us having to shell out more! I don’t care how great their service is!” Dan scrunched his lips slightly and pulled his brow forward as if considering something. “Wait… Do you think if we pay extra, they’ll give Pinkie a cool robot hand? Maybe one she can’t accidently stab ?”
Mr. Gafldan looked down at Pinkie as a small pool of blood began to form around her hand. “Maybe you should get her to the hospital first and muse on turning your roommate into a strange robot like creature later!”
“Cyborg!” Dan snapped as he leaned down and grabbed Pinkie’s arms, hefting her up as he crossed her arms around her, still carrying his keys in one hand in the duct tape in the other. “A human with robot parts is a cyborg! ” Dan insisted as he dragged Pinkie’s limp body out of the apartment. “Why are you so old!? ”
Mr. Gafldan merely chuckled as Dan dragged Pinkie outside. “What a charming gentleman.”
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Pinkie Pie Vs. Organics Chapter 12: Pinkie Vs. Patience
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Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. View Online
Dan and Pinkie Take a Slice out of Life
Part 1 Pinkie Vs. Clothes: Chapter 1 Pinkie Vs. Getting Dressed
Dan and Pinkie Take a Slice out of Life Part 1 Pinkie Vs. ClothesChapter 1 Pinkie Vs. Getting Dressed-ooooooo-
Author’s notes: Takes place shortly after Part Two of The Wheel and the Butterfly.
-ooooooo-
‘BUZZZZ, BUZZZZ, BUZZZZ…’
Pinkie’s sky-blue eyes shot open as a deafening buzzing sound went off in her ear. She bolted upright on the mattress she had been sleeping on mere moments ago. Pinkie looked around her surroundings in confusion as she clutched a white sheet to her pink pajama-clad human body with slender fingers and searched for the source of the noise.
Where the heck is that coming from?! Alright… uh… okay… furniture and throw pillow surroundings? Check. Still in fort ‘Dan Pie’.
“Merrow!” A mangy-looking grey cat called out from the center of the mattress. It stood up, stretched, and walked off towards the foosball table that served as the structure's entrance and exit.
Mr. Mumbles? Check. The gentleman who was kind enough to take me in …
‘… BUZZZZ, BUZZZZ, BUZZZZ…’
“PINK GIRL, WOULD YOU SHUT OFF THE FLIPPIN’ ALARM ALREADY?!” An angry voice called out from under the covers.
Uh… Check!… But not so gentle… Pinkie smiled. Still, he was nice enough to let me stay he—
‘… BUZZZZ, BUZZZZ, BUZZZZ…’
“SERIOUSLY?! HOW HARD IS IT TO TURN OFF AN ALARM!?”
“Uh…” Pinkie quickly scanned her surroundings and determined the buzzing was coming from a rectangular black device that displayed a series of numbers sitting next to her. She reached down, picked it up and attempted to get the alarm to shut off.
‘… BUZZZZ, BUZZZZ, BUZZZZ…’
Pinkie began violently shaking the device. “WOULD YOU SHUT UP ALREADY?! PONIES—Er —PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP HERE!” she screamed at the device.
The source of the angry voice suddenly threw off the covers and sat up. A man with short, messy, black hair and emerald-green eyes stared out at Pinkie in irate contempt. His cheeks, jawline, and chin were peppered with stubble, and a black soul patch sat under his lip. In addition to the angry scowl he was wearing, he wore a black t-shirt with the word ‘JERK’ printed on it in bold white letters.
‘… BUZZZZ, BUZZZZ, BUZZZZ…’
Screaming at the device having failed her, Pinkie brought the device to her mouth and began gnawing on it in frustration.
The man reached over towards the device and pressed a button on it.
‘… BUZZZZ, BU—’
The device went silent.
“Oooooh! ” Pinkie uttered as she stared at the black buttons on top of the device. She looked at the man with a sheepish grin. “Sorry, Dan.”
Dan retracted his hand from the device as a thin line of saliva followed. He narrowed his eyes at his hand before lightly smacking his palm against Pinkie’s forehead.
“Ouchie! ” Pinkie cried as she recoiled slightly from Dan’s smack.
“Thanks, doofus,” Dan said sarcastically. “Now I have slobber on my hand.”
Pinkie frowned. “Sorry, Dan!”
Dan shook his head and began crawling for the exit of the furniture fort. “Do me a favor and keep all your gross liquids and oozes to yourself, capisce?” He crawled out from under the fort and stood up. A pair of white with red pinstriped boxers hunging off his waist. “Just because I said you can stay here doesn’t mean I want to be fluid buddies with you!”
A pink mop of curly hair emerged from under the foosball table quickly followed by the young woman attached to it. She stood up next to Dan who continued to glower up at her, Pinkie being a few inches taller than the short man.
“I said I was sorry!” Pinkie exclaimed as she threw her hands out to her sides.
Dan leaned in close, causing Pinkie to lean back slightly as the irate man raised an index finger and held it in front of her face. “Don’t be sorry, be better !” he snapped before he trudged off around the structure of furniture and pillows.
Pinkie sighed and shook her head. Well… at least I already have our symbolic victory of what I’m sure will be an awesome friendship, but Dan seems as mad as the day he met me!
Pinkie looked around the small, dingy-looking apartment room, a living area that attached to a kitchen area all in one room. Well, I guess I am intruding on his space a bit. I mean, there’s barely any room left in here after we erected the fort! Except for the kitchen area, of course…
Pinkie heard the sound of running water from the bathroom in the back quickly followed by Dan trudging out of the bathroom and immediately into his bedroom right across from it. He slammed the door causing Pinkie to wince slightly. Dan soon emerged having put on a pair of jeans and socks.
Pinkie mused that he may have changed his shirt, too. Dan and everyone else on this world seemed to have piles and piles of the same clothing. It was difficult to tell if he was wearing the same one or had swapped it out for another.
“Oooo! Oooo! Are we heading out?!” Pinkie asked excitedly.
Dan cocked an eyebrow and pointed at himself. “I’m going to hole up in the fort and watch nature shows about stupid animals that walk too close to crocodile-infested waters.” He pointed at Pinkie. “You are hopefully going to behave yourself enough that I don’t break out a bottle of chloroform!”
“I am so on top of that!” Pinkie assured.
Dan rolled his eyes. “Excuse me if I don’t jump up and down with boundless joy.”
“You’re excused!” Pinkie said happily.
Dan grumbled irritably to himself as he trudged past Pinkie and crawled back into the fort. “I’ll also accept you flinging yourself into traffic just so long as I don’t need to take you to the hospital afterwards."
“Uh… pass…” Pinkie replied. She leaned her head down and poked it through the entrance. “Should I get changed?”
“I don’t actually care,” Dan replied flatly as he sat down on his side of the mattress, TV remote in hand. He pushed a button on the remote and an old TV flickered to life across from him, the TV doubling as a support structure for the fort.
“Hmmmm… ” Pinkie picked at her pajama top and stared at it briefly. “I think I’ll get changed.”
Dan rolled his eyes. “Whatever!” he snapped. “Go dig through my closet that you’ve annexed with your weird collection of stupid, girly clothes!”
Pinkie giggled. “Sounds like a plan!” she said before she stood back up.
“And don’t ask me to help dress you this time!” Dan shouted after her.
-oooooo-<
‘THUD!’
Dan sighed as he heard what was quickly becoming a familiar sound: His new roommate losing her footing and falling straight to the ground. The light from the TV flickered in front of him but he know he’d soon have to abandon its warm glow in favor of assisting the hapless girl getting dressed in the bathroom.
“Dan! Help! ”
Dan mumbled some unpleasant sounding incomprehensible words under his breath and crawled out of the fort. He stomped his way over to the bathroom and threw it open. “WHAT IS IT—GHAAAAAA! ” Dan’s angry screaming quickly changed to a surprised cry as he covered his eyes.
Pinkie laid face down on the bathroom floor. Jeans covered her from her waist down to her feet, but Dan was given an excellent view of her bare back as Pinkie laid on the ground, her arms apparently tangled up in a bra she was attempting to put on.
“I’m stuUuUuUuUuUuck~! ” Pinkie wailed.
“Okay… AND?!
“I uh … need you to help unstuck me?” Pinkie explained.
Dan parted his fingers just enough to stare down at Pinkie with one irritated eye. “This is some sort of scheme to get me to touch you, isn’t it?”
“Why would I need to make up a scheme for you to do that when I can just hug you?!” Pinkie cried.
“That’s not what…” Dan sighed, removed the hand from his face, and leaned down. “Just keep your chest on the ground.”
“Uh … okie-dokie-lokie!” Pinkie replied cheerfully.
Dan found a tiny bit of space in the narrow bathroom and leaned next to Pinkie. He went about untangling her arms from the pink bra straps. “How the heck did you get both arms stuck!?”
“Erm … I’m just that good?” Pinkie said as her already slightly pink cheeks turned red.
Dan grumbled to himself as he freed one of Pinkie’s arms followed by the other the other. “There!”
“Hurray!” Pinkie cried. “…Could you actually close the clasp since you’re back there?”
“Ah-HA !” Dan cried. “So this is a scheme to get me to touch you!”
Pinkie frowned. “No, I just… uh … don’t actually know what I’m doing…”
Dan frowned. “How can you not know how to clasp a bra?! I thought girls developed some sort of incredible finger dexterity that allowed them to put those things on one-handed or something!”
“Erm well…” Pinkie pursed her lips, “I’ve only had fingers for a few days, so…”
Dan sighed and dragged a palm down his face. “Alright, fine…” he leaned down and attempted to connect the two ends of Pinkie’s bra strap.
Pinkie began squirming and giggling. “Hehehe, that tickles.”
“I order you to not enjoy this!” Dan said forcefully. “Otherwise I might ‘slip ’ and ‘accidentally ’ choke you to death with this godforsaken thing!” Dan paused and added, “Had my hand been free, I would have air quoted over the words ‘slip’ and ‘accidentally ’.”
“…What are air quotes?”
“Seriously, I’m sure whatever wire is in this will make a more-than-adequate garrote.”
“…What’s a gar—”
Dan fiddled with the bra clasp some more in frustration. “JUST SHUT UP! This is somehow a lot harder than it looks!”
“…See!” Pinkie exclaimed.
“Seriously, choking you to death and disposing of your corpse seems easier to deal with than this thing presently.”
“…I’ll be good,” Pinkie replied in a worried tone.
Dan continued to struggle with the bra. After several minutes of attempting to close it, even going so far as to straddle Pinkie and sit on her lower back, his constant agitation at having to do so eventually caused even Pinkie to get frustrated.
“WHY DO GIRLS EVEN WEAR SOMETHING SO DAMN COMPLICATED?!” Dan roared.
“WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME?!” Pinkie shot back.
“I WAS BEING RHETORICAL!”
“Is there something wrong with being Dan?”
“BY ALL THE AMBROSIA IN OLYMPUS, HOW DENSE—”
“Kidding~! ” Pinkie sang out.
Dan glowered down at Pinkie as he continued fiddling with the clasp. “…You do realize I’m still behind you with a potential choki—” Dan heard a small click, then sat up in satisfaction. “There!”
“Yay!” Pinkie exclaimed as she stood up. “Chest lumps contained!” she said as she motioned to the two large, soft orbs on her chest now snugly held in her frilly pink bra.
Dan rolled his eyes. “Remind me to get you a book on human anatomy or something…”
Pinkie looked down at her jeans, or rather the pink bow and fabric framed by her open zipper. She looked back up at Dan. “Can you help me zip up my pants?” she asked with a pensive grin.
There was an audible ‘Smack!’ as one of Dan’s palm collided with his forehead.
<-ooooooo->
Dan sat and scratched his cat as she sat next to him. He smiled as he watched hapless animal after animal fall prey to half-ton scaled beasts lurking under the water’s surface.
‘THUD!’
“BUCK WHOEVER CAME UP WITH THE IDEA OF A BRA! ” Pinkie screeched from the bathroom.
Dan’s eye twitched. His usual enjoyment of his shows was being constantly interrupted by the sounds of Pinkie hitting the bathroom floor and screaming out. Only the memory of the last time he tried to help her put on a bra kept him from moving from his spot.
“I HOPE WHOEVER INVENTED THIS STUPID THING DIED PAINFULLY!” Pinkie cried.
Despite Dan’s agitation, he snorted at Pinkie’s unexpectedly slightly morbid comment.
“IT WAS THE ANCIENT GREEKS!” he called out.
“DID THEY DIE PAINFULLY?!” Pinkie shouted back.
“MANY OF THEM, YEAH!” Dan replied with a grin.
“GOOD!
Dan covered his mouth with a hand as he stifled a hearty guffaw.
After several more minutes of nature shows punctuated with the sounds of struggling from the bathroom, Dan heard an enthusiastic “I DID IT!” This was quickly followed up by a door being swung open and the rapid pitter-patter of feet over the apartment’s carpet.
Pinkie poked her head into the fort once more, her curly mop having transitioned from ‘unruly’ to ‘disheveled’. “I did it!”
Dan glanced at her, sighed, and went back to staring at the TV. “Congratulations, you’re practically a real girl already.”
Pinkie frowned as she knelt in front of the entrance, resting her arms on her thighs and allowing her hands to dangle between her legs. “Can’t you just be a little happy for me!?”
Dan growled out in frustration and flung his hands out towards the TV. “GRRRRRR … TRYING TO WATCH APEX PREDATORS THAT LIVED THROUGH THE K-T EXTINCTION EAT AND CONSUME GAZELLES HERE!”
“WELL I’M TRYING TO CELEBRATE A LITTLE VICTORY OVER YOUR WORLD’S STUPID CONFINING AND COMPLICATED CLOTHING!”
“Hey! JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE stupid enough… to… to…” Dan quickly lost steam as he stared out at Pinkie Pie. His mouth hung agape for a split second and his eyes opened wide before he covered them with both his hands. “WHY DID YOU COME OUT WITHOUT PUTTING ANYTHING ELSE ON?!” he demanded.
Pinkie looked down at her mostly naked self then back up at Dan. “The bra was the hardest to put on, so I started with it this time!”
“THAT DOESN’T EXPLAIN WHY YOU RAN OUT WITHOUT PANTS OR ANYTHING ELSE FOR THAT MATTER!”
“I GOT EXCITED AND FORGOT, OKAY?! GEEZ! WHY CAN’T PEOPLE JUST BE HAPPY WITH THE BODIES THEY HAVE?! YOU ALL HAVE TAKE EVERYTHING SO DANG COMPLICATED!”
“PUT SOME MORE FREAKIN’ CLOTHES ON YOU CRAZY NUDIST!”
“EEEEP! ” Pinkie exclaimed before she dashed off back to the bathroom.
Dan uncovered his eyes and sighed. He grumbled as he went back to watching the T.V. “Stupid, sexy roommate…”
Mr. Mumbles perked up her ears and glanced up at her owner. “Merow?”
Dan glared down at her. “You heard nothing! ” He sighed and stared at his alarm clock. “Geez! It’s barely noon! Way too early for this nonsense…” he declared as he began to crawl towards the fort exit. “I need a drink,” he announced to no one in particular.
Mr. Mumbles quietly followed Dan out of the furniture fort.
Dan made his way to his fridge, opened it, and pulled out a mostly full two liter bottle of neon-green soda.
“BUTTON, CELESTIA DANG YOU, BUTTON!” Pinkie cried from the bathroom.
Dan rolled his eyes and shook his head as fetched a tall glass from his cupboard. He filled the glass with soda and began chugging it down.
The bathroom door suddenly swung open.
‘SLAM!’
“DRESSED!” Pinkie declared as she bounded up to—
‘THUD!’
…Uh , as she picked herself off the floor before she walked up to Dan wearing a long-sleeved, red-and-white striped shirt and a pair of rolled up jean shorts.
Dan sighed, “Congratulations.”
Pinkie smiled wide enough that her lips made an audible ‘Squee!’ She looked down at her shirt, pinching a bit of it in either hand and holding it out for her to examine. “Huh… Feels like it’s missing something… I should figure out a way to get my cutie mark on my clothes…”
Dan chugged the rest of his soda and knitted his eyebrows. “What stupid nonsense are you babbling on about now?”
“Huh? Oh!” Pinkie exclaimed excitedly. “My cutie mark!” she said with a grin. Pinkie unbuttoned and unzipped her jean shorts and pulled them down low enough to give Dan an excellent view of the side of her posterior, in addition to the frilly pink panties she was wearing.
Dan’s eyes widened as his face began to go from pasty white to beet red.
Pinkie pointed at her blank, pinkish cheek. “See, it’s a mark that usually would go on my flank!” she exclaimed.
“PULL YOUR SHORTS BACK UP, YOU IDIOT!” Dan roared.
“Eeep! ” Pinkie exclaimed as she quickly did as commanded. She began to fumble nervously with her zipper. “Why?! What’s wrong?!”
“Well for starters , if you don’t want to be turned into some low-life’s plaything, I suggest you do your best to keep your clothes on!”
“Plaything?” Pinkie replied. “That sounds fun!”
Dan stared out wide-eyed at Pinkie before he smacked a palm against his face and dragged it down. “By Odin’s beard!” he cried in frustration. “I’m going to have to spell out every little stupid thing for you, aren’t I?”
“Well… I mean… I can read…” Pinkie said as she continued to fumble with her zipper.
“So can Mr. Mumbles,” Dan said as he motioned out to his furry, grey cat.
“Merow,” Mr. Mumbles mewed.
Dan continued, “But she’s a cat and you’re a human, so—”
“Pony!” Pinkie corrected.
Dan sighed as he began shouting in an agitated tone, “Whatever! No one cares that you're barely literate!”
Pinkie puffed out her lower lip. “It’s more than ‘barely’,” she said before she gave Dan a nervous grin as her cheeks flushed. “Though, I don’t know what reading has to do with keeping my clothes on and becoming a short person’s plaything.”
Dan stared at Pinkie with a blank expression. “I just… wow …” he stared off into space as he slowly raised a palm up to his forehead. “There was just so much wrong with that sentence I don’t even know where to start.”
“Oh… uhhh... ” Pinkie replied as she trailed off and continued to struggle with the zipper on her shorts.
“I think… I think I need to lay down for a bit,” Dan stated.
Pinkie nodded. “Okay, Dan… uh…” She gave Dan yet another pensive smile. “… Could you maybe help me zip my shorts up first?”
Dan said nothing, merely staring at Pinkie with a blank expression as she continued to stare back at him.
“Uh … is that a ‘no’ ?” Pinkie asked.
“I’m going to need more soda,” Dan said quietly as he opened his fridge back up, unscrewed the lid to his bottle of soda, and began chugging the rest of its contents straight from the bottle.
“Oooo!” Pinkie exclaimed as she balled her fists and raised them up to her cheeks. “That looks good, can I— Whoops !” Pinkie exclaimed as her shorts slipped off her waist and hit the floor.
Dan’s eyes shot opened wide as he spit soda from his mouth in a massive spray of neon-green. “PFFFFFFFT!”
“Da…Dan?” Pinkie stammered out.
Dan wiped soda away from his mouth and sat the bottle down. “Uh …” He giggled nervously. “You look good in green…”
Pinkie looked down at her now soda soaked clothes as her sky-blue eyes began to well up with tears. She balled her hands into fists, threw her arms into the air, and shouted at the heavens.
“CLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOTHEEESSSSSS!” Pinkie Vs. Clo—
“ACK! AIEEEE—” Pinkie exclaimed as she tripped on the shorts around her ankles.
“Whoa! HEY!” Dan cried as Pinkie toppled forward into him, bringing them both to the kitchen floor with a resounding ‘THUD!’
The bottle on the counter suddenly fell over, spilling its contents onto the hapless roommates below.
“Meow!” Mr. Mumbles cried in alarm as she bounded off towards the back of the apartment.
“…Pinkie Pie?” Dan asked from the soda-soaked heap of roommate he found himself underneath.
“Uh … Yes, Dan?” Pinkie replied from above her roommate.
Dan glowered up at Pinkie. “You are terrible at behaving yourself.”
Pinkie sighed, “I know, Dan…”
“Good… now take off your bra and give it to me so I can strangle you with it…” Dan cried angrily.
“Erm … okay… but uh … That might take me a few minutes… or uh … an hour…”
One of Dan’s eyes twitched before both eyelids shot open revealing veiny white orbs of rage.
“RRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
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Dan and Pinkie Take a Slice out of Life
Part 1 Pinkie Vs. Clothes: Chapter 2 Dan Vs. Hypothetical Ape
Dan and Pinkie Take a Slice out of LifePart 1 Pinkie Vs. ClothesChapter 2 Dan Vs. Hypothetical Ape-ooooooo-
Dan pushed Pinkie off from him, causing her to roll off his body and hit the ground with a soft ‘Thump’ and an “Ooff!” He stood up and examined his soda soaked clothes before he glowered down at her. “You’re just lucky I burnt that frickin’ photo album!” Dan cried.
Pinkie cocked an eyebrow as she simply stared back at Dan from the kitchen floor.
“YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT!” Dan cried. “NOW PULL YOUR SHORTS UP!”
Pinkie looked down her bare legs to the pair of soaked shorts around her ankles. She looked back up at Dan. “Why bother? They’re soaked now anyways!”
“You are not going to lounge about in your underwear all day! I couldn’t even begin to imagine a scenario where I’d be happy with you prancing around the apartment in your underwear!”
“Well I’m not putting on anything else until I’ve showered!” Pinkie shot back. “Otherwise my clothes will get all sticky and I’ll just have to get dressed again!”
Dan furrowed his brow. “FINE!” he snapped out.
Pinkie stood up, pulled one of her legs out of her shorts, and the other out. Her shorts flew off towards the back of the apartment.
Pinkie sighed as she reached for a roll of paper towels on the kitchen counter. She ripped a few from the roll and began toweling her arms and damp shirt off. “Guess I’ll grab more clothes and shower again! ”
“Oh, what are you complaining about?” Dan exclaimed. He pinched his damp shirt and pulled it out from his body slightly. “This was my last set of almost clean clothes! Now I have to opt for ‘slightly soiled’!” he frowned. “And once I’m out of those, I’m down to my ‘caked in miscellaneous substances’ piles.” Dan leveled an accusatory finger at Pinkie. “YOU’VE FORCED THE HORRORS OF LAUNDRY DAY ON ME!”
Pinkie stared back at Dan in confusion as she began toweling off her bare legs. “Laundry day?”
Dan furrowed his brow. “Alright, I know I’m getting better at tuning you out, but I’ve listened to your inane prattle enough to know you horses wear clothes from time to time. I mean, you must wash them at some point!”
“Well yeah , but we don’t have to spend a day doing it!”
“Well on this planet where civilized human beings aren’t lucky enough to be completely covered in hair, we have to put a lot of time and energy into keeping our wardrobes fresh!”
Pinkie pursed her lips. “Okay, but it really seems like you people have brought this all on yourself with your stupid rules about wearing clothes all the time.”
“STOP USING YOUR CRAZY, BIZARRELY SENSIBLE HORSE LOGIC ON ME!” Dan cried. “I HAVE TO WASH MY CLOTHES AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!”
Pinkie puffed out her lower lip in a pout briefly before she put on a ponderous expression. “Hmmmm…Oooo! Oooo! ” Pinkie cried as she hopped up and down excitedly. “I can wash your clothes!”
Dan glanced at the ceiling and rubbed his chin. “Well… I guess that would make up for you getting me all sticky.” He smiled. “Fine, I accept.”
“Yay!” Pinkie cried. “I’m useful!”
“Let’s not go crazy, here,” Dan said.
Pinkie giggled. “Kinda late for that.”
“… Walked right into that one…” Dan muttered to himself.
“Now, if you could just tell me where your wash basin is…”
“Wash basin?! What is this?! The Early 1900s?!” Dan cried.
Pinkie frowned. “Uh … is it?”
“GAH! NO , YOU IDIOTIC HORSE FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION, IT’S NOT! ”
“Oh… okay then… uh… sooooooo ….”
“‘SO ’ YOU CAN TAKE MY CLOTHES TO THE LAUNDROMAT DOWN THE STREET!”
“OH!” Pinkie replied with a smile. “Down the street…” Pinkie’s smile started to fade. “As in…” she gulped as her lips began to sink into an expression of dread. “As in... outside …”
Dan rolled his eyes. “Yes, moron. Outside!”
Pinkie glanced from side to side nervously. “But… but there are people who want to rob me outside…”
Dan closed his eyes, sighed, and pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger before he continued to speak, “While this is a pretty bad neighborhood, no one has tried to mug me in broad daylight while I walk two blocks to and from the Laundromat!”
“Oh! Okay then!” Pinkie said cheerfully. “So I take your clothes to the Laundromat and… uh …”
Dan opened his eyes up into narrow slits, but kept his fingers firmly gripped on his nose. “Find a washing machine!”
“Right! A washing machine… a machine that washes … a machine designed specifically to wash …” Pinkie grinned nervously.
Dan smacked a palm against his face and dragged it downward. “You have no idea what a washing machine is, do you?”
“No, I do not!” Pinkie replied.
“LOOK! This a so simple even a child with an inoperable brain tumor could get it!”
“GAH! ” Pinkie exclaimed as she clasped her head. “WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!”
“I’M JUST TRYING TO COME UP WITH AN APT COMPARISON!” Dan replied in angry frustration as he threw his arms up in frustration.
“WELL PICK SOMETHING LESS HORRIFIC!”
“FINE! Uh … so simple that… uh … an ape with a debilitating learning disability could—”
“OH MY CELESTIA!” Pinkie cried. “WHERE ARE YOU EVEN COMING UP WITH THIS STUFF?!”
“Oh what is your deal now!?”
“That hypothetical ape will never graduate from hypothetical ape school!” Pinkie cried out in a sad tone.
“YES, BUT IT AT LEAST HYPOTHETICAL APE CAN GET A JOB AT A HYPOTHETICAL LAUNDROMAT! ”
Pinkie paused as she considered this. “… Does hypothetical ape get hypothetical benefits?”
One of Dan’s eyes began to twitch uncontrollably. “Yes,” he began through gritted teeth, “hypothetical ape is hypothetically paid very well for his hypothetical job. He—“
“Wait!” Pinkie cried. “Are we establishing hypothetical gender now?”
Dan paused. “… Ispitinyourmouthwhileyousleep …” he uttered quickly.
“Huh?” Pinkie replied.
Dan continued, “HE OR SHE— !”
“Hypothetically!” Pinkie chimed in.
Dan’s eyes began to twitch more rapidly. –“hypothetically receives hypothetical health benefits, hypothetical vacation time and is also very hypothetically taken care of by the hypothetical Ape state which hypothetically has very generous hypothetical laws regarding the hypothetically mentally challenged. ”
“Huh… Where does hypothetical ape go on his or her hypothetical vaca—”
“THAT DOESN’T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH WASHING HYPOTHETICAL LAUNDRY, OR EVEN REAL LAUNDRY!”
“Okay, okay , geeez ! So… I take the clothes to a washing machine…”
Dan rolled his eyes. “And then you put the clothes inside.”
Pinkie nodded. “Alright… I think I can handle that…”
“THEN you put quarters… you do remember what ‘quarters’ are, right?”
Pinkie nodded. “They’re the biggest of the shiny money.”
Dan rolled his eyes. “Riiiight… So put the quarter in the machine.”
“’Kay, put the quarters in with machine with the clothes…”
Dan frowned and slowly rose his hands up to either side of Pinkie’s and lightly pressed his fingertips against them.
“Uhhhh …” Pinkie glanced from side to side. “Are you trying to impart the knowledge to me psychically? Because that would be very help—”
“I’m trying to liquefy the insides of your head with pure hate,” Dan explained. “How am I doing?”
“I think I have a slight headache…” Pinkie replied.
Dan sighed and lowered his hands. “It’ll have to do…”
“Erm… look… ” Pinkie said. “Maybe if you can rap instructions to me I’ll get it.”
Dan’s uncontrollable eye twitching came back with a vengeance, taking no prisoners and killing millions in its insatiable takeover of his face. “You… want me… to write a rap… about going to the Laundromat?”
Pinkie giggled. “No, silly!"
Dan breathed a sigh of relief. “Good, because—“
“I just need you to sing it! You don’t need to write it down!”
Dan paused. “…Congratulations, Pinkie! You’ve managed to top ‘be the best man at Chris’s wedding’ as stupidest thing anyone has asked me to do ever !”
Pinkie pursed her lips. “Oh, erm …. Okay… Were you the best man at Chris’s wedding?”
Dan turned his palms upward and shrugged. “Well sure, but only because I thought I could use it as an opportunity to talk him out of it.”
-ooooooo-<
“I’m telling you! You should bail now while there’s still time!” Dan said to a tall man with short, brown hair. Both men were dressed in sharp-looking tuxedos.
Chris rolled his eyes. “Dan, we just said our vows.”
A wedding veil slowly emerged from behind Chris followed by the maroon haired woman who wore it. She silently shot Dan a look that seemed like it could melt steel.
“DANGIT! ” Dan cried in an angry, irritated tone from the church altar.
“I AGREE WITH DAN!” a masculine voice called out.
The woman suddenly turned. “SHUT UP, DAD!
<-ooooooo->
“Okay…” Pinkie replied. A small, hopeful smile made its way onto her face. “So does that mean—”
“Pinkie, I will never, ever , not in a million years,
*A half an hour of attempting to explain washers, dryers, and hypothetical vacation spots a hypothetical ape with a hypothetical learning disability may visit in hypothetical ape land…*
Pinkie held a fist up to her mouth and beat boxed as Dan did that thing he said he’d ‘never, ever , not in a million years
So when the dryer stops turning’
And if the clothes aren’t burnin’
You open the front
My roommate is a cu—
“Hey!” Pinkie protested.
Then you take out your clothes
And then you go home!
Dan folded his arms as he concluded his rap. He glared out at Pinkie with emerald-eyes filled to the brim with hate and breathed in and out deeply.
“Yay!” Pinkie cried as she clapped her hands together rapidly. “Suddenly I understand everything!”
“GOOD!” Dan cried. He trudged off towards the bedroom. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m sticky with soda and self-loathing. I’m hoping the latter washes off in the shower as well as the former.”
“…’Kay …” Pinkie said simply.
Dan sighed as he hunted through his piles of clothes scattered about his dingy bedroom floor. He picked up random shirts, jeans, and socks as he inspected each one visually and olfactorily until he came up with a set of clothing that met his, admittedly lax, standards for wearing.
As Dan reemerged from the bedroom he spotted the still pantsless Pinkie Pie staring at him with wide puppy-dog eyes and a pout on her face.
Dan paused. “…I know with absolute certainty that I will regret asking this, but what in the nine levels of Hell do you want now?”
Pinkie’s pout turned into a small smile. “While you’re in the shower do you think you can come up with a rap about getting dressed?”
Dan’s eyes shot open wide as his pupils shrank to pin-pricks, he let his clothes fall to the floor as he placed both hands on either side of his head and let out a blood curdling scream, “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
“… I’ll take that as a ‘maybe’ .”
