The Prince and the Workhorse
Part IV/I/MMXII
Double Feature
“Princess on Princess Action”
And
“Big Mac & Blueblood Do It”
Princesses Celestia and Luna were totally making out like it was their job or something. The stress of being the only immortal beings in Equestria finally got to them. Cadence was immortal, too, but she wasn’t around.
It started innocently enough. Luna was moping about something or other and Celestia came in to comfort her and nibble on her ears like she always did to cheer her up. But this time, instead of just cheering up, Luna took it too far.
Nopony had touched her in an erotic way in frikin’ forever. Seriously, nothing was happening on the moon and when she got back, all her main squeezes had been dead for a millennium and she was just shit at dating now because the youths of today were all about the Donkey Kongs and the Catchers in the Rye and the last band she saw live was Allen Parsons Project so… yeah.
Celestia was a little more in touch, but she was huge and her giant horn made stallions feel insecure about their masculinity, so nopony was going for it. She and Twilight Sparkle had done some stuff, but things had sort of died off after she moved to Ponyville. Top it all off with the fact that mortal ponies were as mayflies to her and you can see why she was receptive to the whole thing.
Anyway, combine all that and you get a sort of perfect storm for horny.
So Princess Celestia walks into Luna’s bedroom and Luna’s all mopey.
“Nopony cares about the moon!” she whined.
And of course, Celestia was all “Everypony cares about the moon,” but Luna could tell her sister was lying because she looked to the right and left all shifty like and also because nopony cared about the friggin’ moon. She got a bunch of hate mail every day. Look:
Dear Princess Luna,
Your annoying moon kept me awake all night. Again. Please try to keep your moon under control.
Love,
Some asshole
Or this one:
Dear Princess Luna,
Subject: The moon
I noticed this evening that you have introduced a moon to our regular night sky program. I feel that this underestimates the intelligence of the average pony. Frankly, I am insulted. If you think that just because we like millions of small, glowing objects, we would like a giant glowing object that much more. Well I’m hear to tell you that this is not the case.
Sincerly,
Rice Crispysquares
Her email, too:
Dear Princess Luna,
PLZ Help!!! Moon pathfinding script bugs out on water level, just spins in circles endlessly. Tried to use swim command but Moon just started clipping through mount. Why!!?
User xXxxX_Wolphram22_XxxXx
Pretty much that. So Luna felt sad and vulnerable because she’d put a lot of work into the moon and anyway it wasn’t something you were supposed to just “get” you know? It was supposed to speak to your soul and express the longing everypony had inside them to be a wolf. Like they were a wolf in a pony’s body. If you didn’t have that longing then the moon wasn’t intended for you.
Celestia didn’t get the moon, but she got all the hate mail while Luna was away, so she knew where Luna was coming from. She’d introduced the whole “phases of the moon” thing so that ponies only had to put up with a full moon once a month, but that was still too much moon for some ponies.
So Celestia and Luna were on the bed and Celestia snuggled up on her little sister and wrapped her hooves around her and sang Scarborough Fair to her, and when Luna was about to drift off to sleep, Celestia rounded off her routine with a little ear nibble and a quick pat on the butt.
Luna had been up all day reading Harlequin Romance novels that had been adapted for ponies (all the proper nouns were pony puns and an intern had run a find/replace : hands/hooves) and the pat on the butt triggered feelings inside her that needed to be released right then and there.
“Celestia…” said Luna.
“Yes, beloved sister o’ mine?” replied Celestia.
Luna’s next words weren’t words, but a kiss. Celestia had always feared this moment would come, but when the time came, she discovered that she was amenable to the experience. Luna had brushed her teeth after dinner, so her tongue was minty fresh instead of tasting like green olives and sour cream, which is what it would have tasted like had they kissed immediately after dinner (Celestia’s worst fear).
“Why didn’t we do this sooner?” moaned Luna, her tongue flailing in Celestia’s mouth like an electric eel.
“Shut up and help me get my giant golden necklace off!” Celestia commanded.
Luna fumbled with the hooks at the back, but they were tiny and she only had hooves to work with.
“Use your magic!” said Celestia.
Luna’s horn glowed and spurted out a glob of magic onto Celestia’s golden necklace. The blob skittered over the hooks, undoing them one by one and then burst into a tiny cloud of sparks when it was done. Celestia’s necklace fell off onto the bed with a “thup.”
“Ohmygosh, eew!” said Luna “When was the last time you had your necklace off?”
It had obviously been a while, because in a perfect necklace-shaped band around Celestia’s neck, the fur was all gray and natty. Luna spotted a couple cheerios in there and a penny.
“Gawd. It’s like when you move the couch so you can vacuum underneath…”
“Shut up, Luna!” Celestia snapped. Luna giggled and brushed the crumbs and lint off Celestia’s coat with her hoof.
Celestia kicked her royal booties off and they clattered to the ground. Luna kicked hers off, too and the pair were much more comfortable because it let their hooves breathe.
Then they went at it. Celestia totally got into it in a big way that surprised Luna, which was saying something because, if you recall, Luna was the one that had initiated the whole thing.
Celestia licked Luna’s tummy (which is where horses keep their teats) and blew a raspberry on it, which wasn’t particularly erotic but the whole thing was kinda Freudian anyway so even though it made it kinda weird, the weirdness actually added to the energy of the thing.
“Oh Celestia, I can’t tell you how much this helps relieve the stress of not dying within the lifespan prescribed by actuarial tables!” said Luna, lounging on her belly while Celestia worked her horn with her mouth.
Her doing that was actually kinda unproductive as, contrary to their popular portrayal, unicorn horns didn’t have any nerves in them and were certainly not an erogenous zone. Celestia was just kinky like that and it was more for her than for Luna. Plus the image is kinda erotic, so if you want to draw a picture of it or something according to the parameters I’ve described, you’ll get a pretty sexy picture if you’re any good at art.
Luna got into it to and cast a spell to make her horn vibrate, which was fun at first but Celestia told her to stop after her tongue went numb.
That gave them the idea to use their vibrating horns as wand-massagers, which quickly devolved into them trying unsuccessfully to turn it into a mutual-masturbation thing, but the size difference was just too great and they couldn’t get their necks to bend enough. They gave up after Celestia twisted her ankle and Luna knocked over a standing lamp. They went back to making out and running their hooves all over each others’ bodies. Finally Luna and Celestia just lay side by side and clopped each other until they fell asleep in a jumble of wavy, multicolored hair.
The guards watched the whole thing.
It was the weirdest thing they’d ever seen.
***
If the straight ladies and gay men were feeling left out by the Princesses’ adventure, they should stop, because Big Mac and Blueblood were having a Brokeback moment down at Sweet Apple Acres.
Let’s watch…
Sweat glistened on Blueblood’s heavy sides. He’d been hauling stumps in the hot sun all day with his pal, Big Macintosh. They were in each others’ bodies, which was good, because this wouldn’t have happened under normal circumstances.
“Aw man, Big Mac,” said Blueblood, his muscles rippling under his gleaming red coat “This body of yours is so amazingly strong. I just wish it didn’t totally destroy mares rather than pleasuring them.”
Big Mac’s equipment was basically a massive Yule log only made out of flesh and growing out of a horse, so it far exceeded the load limits of most mares’ private parts. Celestia would have been way into it, but Big Mac was way too shy to answer her ad.
Big Mac walked up to Blueblood.
“Ah s’pect yer just usin’ it wrong,” he said.
“Well I don’t see how you would know. You’re a virgin.”
Big Mac looked away. He was ashamed because being a virgin at his age was something to be made the subject of sport and japes.
“Well, you were a virgin…” said Blueblood “Does it count if somepony else uses your body to have sex, or do you have to consciously experience the act?”
“I think you have to consciously experience the act.”
“I suppose, but what if you were unconscious and somepony took advantage of you? You still wouldn’t be a virgin any more but your consciousness didn’t experience the actual loss.”
“In the case you describe,” said Big Macintosh “The consciousness is still inside the subject’s body, whereas in my case my consciousness was nowhere near. Just the same as if you were to commit a crime in my body, it would be you that bore the guilt and not me.”
“Ah, but it’s not your mind that loses its virginity…”
Fast forward through this part. It lasts like another three pages and actually segues off into a five paragraph essay about Epistemological relations to the Transcendental Aesthetic and it doesn’t start getting sexual until about…
Here.
-ssuming you do seal the deal with Twilight Sparkle, you probably want to have more experience than having sex with a watermelon,” said Blueblood “I can’t have you going around ruining my reputation.”
“Oh, so you’re worried about your reputation now? I guess I owe it to ya considerin’ how much care you’ve taken to protect mine.”
“No need for that tone. I’m only trying to help.”
“How?”
“Well, the way I see it, what you need is somepony to practice on first so that when the big moment arrives with Twilight, you know a little more about what to expect.”
Big Mac practically burst out laughing.
“Well sure. After all, Twilight’s already furious with me for getting caught with Rainbow Dash, and ah wasn’t even doin’ nuthin’ with her. Ah’m sure a little more foolin’ around will make things better.”
“It’s not ‘foolin’ around,’ it’s practice.”
“Ah huh… and who am I gonna practice on?”
Prince Blueblood cleared his throat and shook his mane. He shot Big Mac a roguish grin.
“Blueblood, who am Ah gonna practice on?” Big Mac asked again.
“Chuh! Me of course!”
This time, Big Mac did burst out laughing.
“You had me going fer a minute there!” he said, gasping for air between bursts of laughter.
“I’m serious!” said Blueblood “I know how my body handles, I can teach you some technique!”
Big Mac stopped laughing.
“What exactly do ya take me fer? Ah’m no saddle warmer.”
“Pish and tosh. It’s not gay when you masturbate, is it?”
Big Mac thought for a second.
“Ah guess not…”
“I’m in your body. It’s basically like you’re touching yourself just… from a different perspective,” explained Blueblood.
Big Mac pondered the idea for a few moments. He hadn’t considered it like that.
“Alright…” he said, cautiously “but just a few moves…”
“Well, first we’ve got to get you excited… Just uh… just lay down on the grass there… okay…”
Blueblood caressed Big Mac’s stomach and ran his hooves over his junk. Big Mac achieved erection surprisingly quickly. Blueblood whistled.
“I say. I knew I was no slouch, but it is a bit more intimidating to see from this angle,” said Blueblood.
Blueblood’s body wasn’t quite so well endowed as Big Macintosh, but he still measured well above the national average. Big Mac was just a freak of nature.
As Blueblood caressed Big Mac’s member, he found himself becoming aroused as well.
Big Mac, now getting into the spirit of adventure and, being of an obliging nature, decided to reciprocate.
They tumbled with each other in the grass, wrestling, grappling, panting. They were so caught up in the momentum of what they were doing that they didn’t realize they were falling in love with each other until it already happened.
“Big Mac…” Blueblood gazed into Big Mac’s shimmering eyes.
“Eeyup?”
“I…”
“Shaddup,” said Big Mac. He kissed Blueblood full on the lips. Their manly jaws worked as their faces ground at one another. The kiss was like a head on collision between an International Harvester and a Buick 8: very manly. It left them breathless.
Applejack watched the whole thing from behind a tree.
She was way into it.
***
Bonus Content!
Pinkie Pie and Tombs were getting it on, too! Sex with Pinkie Pie was just about how you’d probably imagine it, like trying to wrestle with a ball of Flubber inside a moonbounce. She was super energetic and behaved in an inappropriately hyperactive manner.
Her attention span was too short to actually focus on any one position for more than a minute or two, which was why she and Tombs worked so well together. Tombs knew enough from the Manipurian Kama Sutra for Ponies to keep her guessing and maintain her interest.
I don’t want to go into too much detail, but let’s just say one of those Fisher Price Popcorn Mower things got involved and Pound Cake and Pumpkin Cake aren’t gonna want it back (well, they will, because they’re babies, but if they could grasp of the concept of sexual behavior they certainly wouldn’t).
The activities concluded with a score of 4 to 1. Pinkie Pie always won but she’s a filly so it’s not like it’s fair. At least Tombs was guaranteed a point no matter what.
Mr. and Mrs. Cake heard the whole thing through the ceiling.
They were way into it.
That night they had the best sex they’d had in months.
It wasn’t as funny later on when Mrs. Cake found out she was pregnant again…
***
Bonus Bonus Content!
Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy stood outside the Ponyville schoolhouse dressed in bunny costumes.
“Ugh, come on Fluttershy! You know you’re totally useless!” complained Rainbow Dash “Stop cowering and help me hand out flyers for the CMC Brigade!”
“Nyuuuuuuuuuuuu!” cried Fluttershy.
Rainbow Dash is up to another one of her schemes, I see I thought to myself and what kind of name for a club is CMC Brigade anyway? Cutie Mark Crusaders Brigade doesn’t even mean anything!
I teleported across the field and appeared in front of Rainbow.
“Rainbow Dash! Next time you decide to debase yourself, leave Miss Fluttershy out of it!”
Rainbow huffed. Of course she didn’t think anything was wrong with her behavior at all.
“Nyu… Twiyon…” whispered Fluttershy. Her sweet voice is like the cooing of a dove!
“I… I don’t mind…” the poor thing whimpered “It’s important that we keep Miss Dash happy… remember…”
“Fluttershy, I…”
“Twiyon… Please promise me one thing…”
Anything, my sweet!
“Of course, what Fluttershy?”
“Just… just promise me that… if I find I can’t get married after this… You’ll marry me?” she looked up at me with those soft green eyes, trembling with tears.
Be still my beating heart!
Before I could open my mouth to reply, Rainbow Dash knocked Fluttershy on the back of her head with one of her hooves, knocking her bunny ears askew.
“Get back to work!” she barked “Twiyon! Why don’t you go back to the club room and help Pinkie Pie with the computers?”
I grumbled. That filly was out of control. Oh well, even if Pinkie Pie did have an annoying habit of rewriting the laws of reality, she was at least calm and reserved. It would be a nice break from dealing with this chaos. I cleared out just as Cherilee Sensei caught sight of what was going on and started to gallop in our direction.
Turns out she was way into it.
Happy April Foal’s day, Everypony!
