A book by Discord

by Ravencrofte

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Human
Length: 3222

Discord is bored. So he decided to write a book, and grabbed a human as his main character.

Discord is writing a book. He needed a main character. So he grabbed the first thing he came across: a disgruntled human. Now the human is stuck in Equestria, in the most conspicuous form possible, setting forth to partake in the next best selling novel; whether he wants to or not.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-17 18:48:27 UTC

Discord, I hate you Oh so Much!

            My speedometer was acting up again: the needle would rise temporarily, and then fall, rise and fall. I gave the dashboard a nice, hard whack. The needle limply rose again, and collapsed once more.

         I returned my eyes to the road.

         Traffic was light. That didn’t help. Everyone else was moving too slow. I ground my clutch as I swerved around the drivers: shift down, hit the gas, shift up, tap the brakes, change lanes, and shifted down again. The other inconsiderate motorists honked their horns and flashed their brakes.

         Well, you all can go shove it!

         They didn’t work a dead end job where their boss yelled at them from start to

finish. They also didn’t have a sister, younger sister who liked to go out and party, while leaving their six year old daughters at their brother’s house. My life is just PERFECT, just GREAT!

         I pulled into my driveway.

         My dinky little house sits on the corner of Ugly Street and Shitty Avenue. Graffiti pop-marked every wall; no one has the spare change to clean it up. Trash is allowed to pile up in front yards and in narrow alleys. The whole place stinks.

         I opened my front door.

         Paradise is hard to come by in this world. At least mine is clean. A sagging sofa occupied one wall of my living room. A thick and heavy turn-of-the-century TV occupies the opposite wall. It was free, it works, and its 40 inches of entertaining bliss until my sister arrives.

         I dropped onto the couch.

         I have an hour before my niece arrives. First thing she does is go straight for the remote. I object, and out come out those big, blue eyes, misting over with the first formation of tears. I cave in. Bubbling happily, she changes the channel to her favorite network. Then it’s up on my lap, turning and twisting until she finds a comfortable spot on her number one substitute pillow. I stay there, unmoving, while she enjoys another adventure of Twilight Sparkle and her five friends.

         If I have to sit through another episode of “friendship is magic” I am going to rip my hair out!

         I hate ponies! I hate their cheerfulness and laughter. I hate their compelling characters. I hate their love, acceptance, and tolerance for each other. I hate their bright colors. I hate the show. I hate the sappy, feel good endings.

         I just hate it all!

         I hit the power button. Nothing happened. I try again; same result. Stupid TV, maybe if I whack it upside the head it will fix itself.

         A bright light flashes before me and a dragon appears in my living room. Not just any dragon, a Draconequus with mismatching limps and horns. He loops several times in midair before grinning broadly at me. Discord!

         “Dear me,” he said, looping several times in midair before facing me again with a broad grin. “Not who I was looking for, but you’ll do just fine.”

         This can’t be happening.

         “Get out, Now,” I shout.

         “Don’t be unprofessional about this,” he said. “Good entertainment has been a bit short of late, so I’ve decided to write a book. It’s called “Adventures in Equestia” and guesses what? You’re my main character. Congratulations!”

         Confetti instantaneously appeared and exploded throughout the house.

         “No,” I said, leaping to my feet, “absolutely not.”

         “A reluctant hero,” said Discord, looking whimsically. “A tragic past, torture by internal strife, a debt of loss and pain that can never be repaid.” He clutched his lions paw to his chest, eyes shut, as if he could see it all before him. He looked at me again. “It will be a best seller.”

         “Noooooo!” I screamed.

         “Come along now,” he said and vanished with a wink and a puff.

         I was engulfed in a mass of light and my surrounding disappeared in a flash.

         Discord, I hate you oh so much

Customizing your character

                “Book one, chapter 1,” chimed an all too familiar voice in my head. “The legendary hero arises from the dust, confronted by a strange and new world”.

                I remained where I was.

                Discord coughed and cleared his voice, “I said-“

“I heard what you said, and I’m not going along with it, so go to hell!”

“Well, if you’re not going to listen to me, I’ll just have to find another way to motivate you.”

                “There is no way you are getting to participate in this stupid book of your”.

“Let’s see, what if I turned you into a mare…”

                “NO!”

                 He seemed not to hear me.

                “I could make this work! How is this for an opening line,” and he coughed several times to clear his voice. “She stared at his hard, muscular body, her eyes traveling down his flank to the throbbing between his hind legs-”

                “NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!”

                “She pressed herself against his body. His hooves wrapped around her, bring her in close. She brushed a hoof through his flowing mane, letting it drift down to his belly, sliding back until she felt his-“

                “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

“Fine, I’ll keep you as a male, how arbitrarily boring. You know, you could have been a part of the greatest romantic novel of the age, and set the hearts of young mares aflutter.  I would have called it “50 Gray Mares” or “50 Mares of Grey”, or something like that”.

                “Discord, if I ever get my hands on you, I will-“

“You’re what? I’m the little voice inside your head, narrating this story, and will remain as such until the end.”

                I grumbled under my breath.

“Now where were we, aw, yes,” and once more he cleared his voice. “The legendary hero arises from the dust, confronted by a strange and new world”.

                Reluctantly I opened my eyes.

                I was on the ground. I had appeared on a well-traveled road, hoof and wagon marks indistinguishable in the dirt. A thick forest of trees lined both sides. Ahead of me, the road snaked out of sight.

                I got to my feet.

                More appropriately they were hooves, four of them. I stomped in place, testing out my four ‘legs’. From all appearances I had a white ‘coat’. I looked up, and found a horn protruding from my head. I looked behind me, and found feathered wings and a blazing sun on my flank. I checked between my legs just to be safe.

                It could be worse.

“Tut, tut, tut, that won’t do at all. No two ponies are the same; unless of course you’re Pinkie Pie or you travel back in time to warn yourself of an up and coming disaster. I most currently don’t want to you resembling that high and mighty Celestial, of all ponies. Let’s see, how about…” and I heard Discord snap his fingers.

                My coat was now a mass of colors all bleeding into one another.

“It’s perfect, a masterpiece; the embodiment of chaos in pony form.”

                “NO!”

“Fine, have it your way.”

                Another snap. I now resembled a candy cane.

                “One color only!”

                Snap. Now I bright bubblegum pink!

                “No!”

                Snap. I was bright, neon green.

                “I want to be black.”

“Already taken, and having two black alicorns is unacceptable”.

                “Red.”

                Snap. I was red. My mane was still an array of different colors.

                “Turn my mane and tail to a dark, blood red. And I want my eyes to be blue”.

                Another snap. I assumed he changed my eyes, I can’t tell without a mirror.

“I need to do something about your cutey mark; again, one per pony. It’s supposed to reflect a pony’s special talent, but you don’t have one. How about I have it reflect your inner self? Since you’re a giant dick, I’ll just put one-“

                “NO!”

“Fine. What about this?”

                The sun was replaced with a ring of white starts. I guess it was as good as any.

“Now are you ready go?”

                I grumbled, “let’s get this over with.”

“Our hero, Prince Starcircle Fluffy-Pants the thirteenth, trotted slowly along-“

                “No!”

“Fine, Prince “Star Circle” trotted slowly along the road the country road”.

                Grudgingly, I moved off down the road.

                My hooves clopped softly on the dirt road. Amazingly enough, my legs worked automatically, falling in sync with each other, as if I had had four legs my entire life. At least I didn’t have to relearn how to walk.

                The wind was gently blowing; bring with it the smell of summer flowers.  The sun was high in the sky. Nature played out all around me; tiny song birds chirped and fluttered in the trees. Something bigger was soaring high overhead.

                This wasn’t going to be so bad.

“When suddenly a group of bandits jumped out and kidnapped him.”

                “What!”

                A dozen masked ponies leapt out of the trees. They tackled me to the ground, and tied ropes around my hooves and wings. Another pony placed a hood over my horn. Quickly they stepped back from me.

                A bigger, muscular blue pegasus stepped forth. He smiled malevolent down at me.

                “What do we have here? Going for a stroll in the woods, your highness?”

                He barked orders to the other ponies. “Take him back to the cave. This one will fetch a nice ransom.”

“And the bandits knocked our hero out and took him back to their cave”.

An earth pony stepped forth. He wasn’t as big as the pegasus, but had the same evil grin.“Good night, your highness,” he said, drawing back a hoof. He kicked me in the head, and everything went back.

Discord, I hate you oh so much.

Escaping Without Too Much Assistance

            To say that my head “hurt” was a severe understatement. Someone had pounded a wedge into my skull, poured salt into the wound, and then wreathed my whole cranium in fire.

                “Why do they have to hit you in the head,” I moaned out loud.

                A voice chimed in, more than happy to add his abrasive remarks to my already throbbing headache.

“According to this book, ‘A Guide To Writing Your Own Adventure’, head wounds, and subsequent blackouts, are a tool used by the author to skip ahead to more interesting parts of a story. They are to be used liberally, and whenever convenient.”

                “I am going to kill the author of that book!”

“My, my, you actually sound serous. Should I be applying for witness protection?”

                “You wrote that book?”

“The one and only,” chimed Discord.

                “Discord, if I ever get my hands of you-”

“What could you possibly do to an immortal god of chaos?

                I supplied him with my most vile thoughts.

                There was a long pause.

“So you’ll take my skull and push it...oh! I would have never thought of that position. I feel mildly aroused.”

                I quickly took those thoughts and barricaded them away in my mind, complete with several deadbolts and miles of heavy chain.

“Oh don't be like that, you’re ruining all the fun; and just when I thought we had found something we could mutually agree upon.”

                “Discord, let’s just get this stupid story of yours done so I can get you out of my head.”

“Fine, have it your way.”

                I heard the rustling of paper against paper.

“Ah, here we are: Our brave hero, captured by bandits, must escape before they figure out that he has no home country and no pony willing to pay his ransom.”

                “Is that it?”

“That’s the entire plot for this section. Best get a move on.”

                I opened my eyes, and almost instantly shut them again. The world I had just witnessed had been revolving, tumbling, and doing its utmost to imitate a Ping-Pong ball.

                “Make it stop,” I pleaded.

“Just one moment,” sang Discord and there was a poof sound right in front of me. Then two points of pressure were placed against my skull and clicking noises ensued. I reluctantly opened my eyes.

                Discord was standing before me, twisting two dials implanted on my forehead. He was staring into my eyes, he brow furled in concentration. Slowly, the room stopped swimming and returned to one, steady image.

                “All better,” he said, stepping back and examining his handy work. He looked over me critically. “There’s something I’m forgetting...ah, yes! You’re escape.” He removed the hood from my horn. “There, now you have all the tools you need to blast those silly bandits and continue your journey.”

                He snapped his fingers and vanished.

                With Discord gone, I was now alone in the room. Cold stone formed a rough, circular shape. The only break came in the form of a plain wooden door. A single candle in a carved niche provided the only light.

                I kicked at my bonds but the rope held firm.

                Maybe I could use my horn like a file and cut through by bonds? I grunted with the effort, first trying to bring my horn down low enough and then my hooves up to meet it. Try as I might, I just couldn’t get the two to touch.

“Silly pony,” said Discord and I could almost see his patronizing smirk. “Use your magic and cut the rope.”

                “I don’t have any magic.”

                “Tut-tut, I’ll have to fix.” I heard the shuffling of many documents, followed by several heavy objects being carelessly dumped on the floor.

                “Here we are, ‘Standard Book Of Spell.” Discord was filling my head with cheerful humming as he leafed through the pages.

                The door creaked open and in walked a very familiar Earth Pony. His mask was gone, revealing kind face and a dull, brown coat. He carried a bowl of soup in his mouth.

                He dropped the bowl. The earthen ware shattered and splashed hot soup across the floor.

                “His horn cover is off,” bellowed the pony. “The prisoner is escaping.”

                “Discord,” I shouted, bring the Draconequus to the situation at hand.

“Try this one out for size.”

                A throbbing buzz surged through my horn. Its tip glowed brilliantly, and then…

                The earth pony exploded into confetti and pink streamers.

                “Good job, now find a spell to cut these ropes.”

                Discord obliged. The knowledge instantly entered my mind. My horn glowed and the ropes parted. I rolled to my feet.

                I poked my head out the door, expecting to be accosted by several angry ponies. Only an empty stone hallway greeted me. I trotted out a little further.

                A bandit leapt from the shadows, brandishing a sword.

                I blasted him into confetti.

I started up the hallway and nearly collided with three more bandits coming from the opposite direction. I pointed my horn at each in turn. The result were gratifying.

         The hallway angled sharply up and I emerged into a large room. Daylight filtered in fromthe exit. Only two ponies stood before me and freedom.

                They charged, shouting as they went, swords held in their mouths.

                I effortlessly turned the first one into confetti and pointed my horn at the second.

“I’m beginning to think that spell is a little over powered. You’re supposed to use tactics and strategy, not just spam the most powerful one you know. I’ll find something more appropriate.”

                The spell vanished from my mind.

                “Discord!”

                The pony was still charging. He was nearly on top of me.

“Let’s start you out with a teleportation spell.”

       The knowledge filled my head. My horn glowed. The bandit vanished and appeared next to the entrance.

                He was still charging towards me.

                I cast the spell again. He appeared once more at the entrance. He continued to charge. I teleported him right back to the entrance. After the fifth repeat, the bandit slowed and finally stopped. He stared at me from across the cave. The sounds of his breathing heavily fill the room. He spat out the sword.

                “That does it. I’m not getting paid enough for this.” He turned and left. Once outside the cave, I heard him shout, “Discord! I want the bits you promised me.”

                I stood there, flabbergasted, my mouth hanging open before I notice and subsequently shut it.

                “You paid them to kidnap me?” I ground my teeth in barely suppressed rage.

“Every story needs to have its plot twists of danger and excitement. Evil ponies are hard to come by.”

“That does it! I am not moving from this spot until we come to an agreement on the ethical treatment of your characters!”

“But the story must go on.”

                “I am not moving from this stop!” I repeated

“Fine, have it your way.”

                There was a long pause, followed by several sounds of him clearing his throat.

“And the cave, weakened by the explosions of our hero’s daring escape, began to collapse”.

                “There weren't any explosions.”

“Oh?”

Something detonated deep inside the cave. The ground heaved beneath my hooves. The ceiling came alive with explosive, violently cracking. Large boulders plummeted towards my position.

         I ran for the exit, screaming at the top of my lungs. “Discord! I hate you Oh so much!”