The Jerk

by SolidStone

Rating: mature
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human, Main 6, Spike, Comedy, Other, Derpy Hooves, Sex, Sunset Shimmer, Random
Length: 6023

Follow Anon as his Wacky Day at Canterlot University to meet up a mysterious note sender! What hijinks await our brave hero?

Welcome to the crazy and absurd adventure of Anonymous to get some sweet loving from the girl he's always admired!
However, not all as it would seem on this day of youthful longing! Come join and watch as Anon continually gets into one sticky scenario after the other! Will he get the girl? Will he have any shred of dignity afterwards? Will he travel to the fifth dimension and defeat the giant monkey man?

Only you can find out!

Enjoy!

Published 2014-05-08 00:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-08 00:50:01 UTC

Chapter 1: I was born in a log cabin in Illinois....

"You're probably wondering how the heck I wound up face down in a puddle of spoiled mayonaisse behind Joe's coffee emporium, with my pants ripped, and several penises drawn on my chest. Well, I think its because of everyone else! Everyone else is the fault for this, the world is full of JERKS! Let me get the taste of rotten egg stuffing out of mouth and I'll tell you the story."

It was third period when my crazy adventure started, the class? Advanced Underwater Basket Weaving. Now I don't mean to brag, but I was totally crafting a totally bitching picnic basket, it even had a pink bow and streamers! Focused on the magnificence of my art, I barely noticed when the smelly hippy kid next to me slipped me a note.
"Here man *cough* like, this is for you....ewe...chu....chew.... hehehehehehe"
"Thanks?" I try not to touch his smelly and unshaven hippy hands as I grab the note from his more likely than not rolling a doobie while listening to Blink 182 hands. With a sense of curiousity falling upon my being, I decided to take a peek at the note. As I lifted the corner, I could smell a scent of lilac and pineaapple permiate my nostrils. I'm quite familiar with the scent, for it is the scent of the woman I have lusted for many a fortnight! I think the brand was Arachi, but to me it was "Eu d'Rarity" With great anticipation I furrow my brow and hasten my trembling fingers.
"Dearest Anon, meet me in the girls locker room after class. I have a surprise for you."
Ah, my heart! I felt my stomach turn into fiery lead as my loins tensed below! It can't be...my mind began pacing through male fantasy. Rarity in naught but linen wear beckoning me forward in open solidarity. The heaving bosoms twain my fingertips, the lush moisture of passion! Interlocking lips with pulsating tongue! The vibration of two in coitus of one! Finally! My dreams realized!
I knew it not then, but appairently to my classmates, I had made quite the scene.
"Mr Anon?" I heard faintly in my heavenly paradise.
"Yes, and wear the elephant underpants with the extendable trunk, my favourite.
"MR ANONYMOUS!" The shrill shriek of a teacher rang out shattering my lovely mental garden of adolescent bliss
"Uhh yes! how can I help you Ms Cheerliee?"
I stood in a bit of a stupor, unknowing of my current predicament.
"I believe you should go to the mens room Anon." She said with a bit of a gruffness in her tone. Her eyes remained staring directly into mine, as if there was something forbidden in her other views.
"I'm quite fine, I already made tinkles and sprinkles, thank you for pondering though." I reply whilst rolling my eyes. I'm a grown ass man, don't child me woman.
Her hands slam on the table, as she points to the door. "J-j-just go already!" In that moment of furvor her eyes led downwards, and her face ran crimson. In retrospect I should've clearly understood what she meant when she insinuated the restroom in the first place, but callous youth, ach, tis be quite the thorn in the side of men!
My eyes followed hers, and I beheld the looming mass of erection within my jeans. It was there for all to behold! Akwardly shuffling toward the door, I heard the smelly hippie kid point at me and shout.
"Hey guys, like, Anon has a boner! Let's all ostracize him and feel better about our insecurities while doing so!"
The classroom erupted with laughter, as I felt every sting of pointer finger.
"Look at him! He has sexual urges that are typical for someone of our age group!"
"When I laugh at someone else, it helps me forget that my father physically abuses me!"
"I went through this entire scenario a week ago, and I felt terrible being laughed at, so in all reality I think I'm just going with the crowd consesus in this even though I do feel bad for you"
I rush out of the classroom and collapse, Damn you smelly hippy! At least that moment of personal shame is done and over with forever.

Chapter 2: Was hijacking this chapter a part of your plan?

Chapter 2: Was hijacking this chapter a part of your plan?

*RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG*

Damned be the wicked sands of time! That was the period bell! Students one by one are leaking from their containment rooms, and if I had the worst luck of the Irish, Advanced Underwater Basket Weaving was right in the center of the main hallway where all students must conglomerate to make their passage!

EGADS! NOT ONLY WILL MY PREVIOUS PEERS KNOW OF MY GENITAL RISINGS, BUT THE ENTIRE ACADEMIC POPULATION!

I began stealthedly sneaking past lockers, trying my hardest to keep my back towards the ever growing flow of student body. Twas quite akward to say the least, having my loins rubbed against the lockers as so, but as long as no one was aware of my privvy spectacle, It was a queerness worth enduring.

Now something my father always prided me on was my line of sight, I could honestly see a coin from a mile away, but my periperhals, ach! I can't see worth a goats beard!

I wish I had decent periperhal vision, then maybe my shame would have stayed within the circle of Underwater Basket Weavers.

My loins stopped in the open palm, and my spine froze solid. I had not forseen this.

"Heya Anon... whatcha got going on down there?"

It was Rainbow Dash. The Captain of pretty much every varsity sport in our school, with my penis, in her hand, in her open locker, that I had failed to see.

"Uhh... well, you see,"

Her eyes sullied with a hint of lust, "Oh you don't have to explain Anon. I know you like me, what guy wouldn't? I'm the hottest thing since sliced bread!"

You mean the flattest thing since sliced bread.

"I just never thought you had the balls to actually go with it." she smirked as she squeezed my loyal twin royals.

"I guess you do..." she smirked.

"Rainbow, Listen, I really gotta go, you know bathroom, and all that whatnot."

"Yeah I gotcha, go take care of your business." I felt her grip tighten around the shaft of my blissful snake.

"You're a big guy!" She said snarkily.

The feeling of clenching fortuity upon my nethers was grand, I had in that single moment betrayed my previous fantasies of my wonderous Eden.

"FOR YOU" I muffled out in withering pleasure.

Rainbow Dash crept in closer to my ear and whispered. "I'll be there in 5 minutes. Hail Hyrda"

She released with a great whatever allegory you can use for ungripping something, and slammed her locker shut. She turned back around and blew me a kiss as she sashayed her bottom in every stride she took.

Well, this certainly doesn't help my erection.

I continue to sneak towards the mens room, the flow of students growing more and more by the second. But then, by heavens great light I see it! The beautiful doorway to self relief! If I can only just.... push...through...this...crowd...

"AYE AYE AYE AYE AYE AYE! ECLAIR IN THE DONUT! ECLAIR IN THE DONUT!"

My stomach fell with the weight of ten thousand suns. I knew that voice, as I looked up and saw pink upon pink face. With an uneasy glare I looked where my nethers had placed itself.

Wouldn't you know it? Right twain the gap where two becomes one.... heh...

Pinkie turn faced at a speed I was not able to comprehend, and my face was met with the force of a palm endowed by gorilla and marmoset strength.

"ANON! YOU DONT DO THAT TO ME IN PUBLIC!" she shrieked, as her pink face became increasingly flustered. The flow of students died to a sudden, silent stoppage that seemed to encompass Pinkie and I.

She raised her pink boot toward my fallen self and I winced in anticipation of a hurtful blow. Which never came, I opened my eye and saw her in deep pondering, as she paced around me. Damn it Pinkie, don't do that near my face, especially....oh dear Metusulah, its actually twitching fervently. "Unless.... we're dating or something....OMIGOSH! ANON! YES! I'LL TOTALLY BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND FOREVER!"

Wut.

Pinkie plopped herself down on my chest and brought my face in between her bosoms in a gleeful embrace.

"Pinkie, I did not..."

I could see Rainbow Dash by the Mens room, tears welling up in her eyes.

"DAMN YOU ANON! YOU BROKE MY HEART!" she cried out as she ran off.

"Don't be jelly guuuuuuurrrrrrrlllll. He's just got great taste in women right Anon?" Pinkie chuckled as she rubbed her cheeks, upon mine. Yes, her facial cheeks, but her anterior ones too, not on my face of course, but rather close to my aching shame.

Suddenly the hippie kid breaks the silence once more and points at me.

"Look everyone! Anon is having a passionate moment with an attractive female! Lets all point and laugh at this completely ordinary situation!"

And so the laughter began once more, my face felt as if radiated by a supernova.

"Pinkie, get off!"

"Ooooh Naughty Nonnie! In front of all these people?"

"I mean GET OFF OF ME!" I push her aside and she hits her head on a garbage bin, suddenly falling silent.

I get up, and brush myself off. Now I can finally use the bathroom! I go towards the door when I suddenly feel arms around my waist.

"Playing rough huh? THAT'S HOW I LIKE IT!" Pinkie lustfully moaned, dry humping my leg

"GOD. DAMN. IT. PINKIE. I. SAID. GET. OFF!"

I stuttered as I limped toward the Mens room door.

"I'M GOING AS FAST AS I CAN NONNIE!" Pinkie replied thrusting her hyperactive hips into my shin harder and harder.

Finally, with gusto, I fling open the Mens room door, and I point to the sign.

"Pinkie, Only Men are allowed in here! NO GIRLS!"

"That's okay Nonnie! I was born with both! I can be whatever you want!" She perked up as she unknowingly blurted that out to the entire student body.

Well shit.

I quickly pulled my leg away as Pinkie grasped for it with her arms. The Mens room door slammed into her face, as the students began muttering and murmering to each other. Ahh... the good old rumor mill, the bane of every persons existance.

I strut into the mens bathroom and find a group of meat headed jocks who look like they've escaped from the primate exhibit downtown.

"YO. YOU ANON?" a particular hairy and stupid one asked.

"Yeah, whats it to you?" I noncalently responded as I began splashing cold water on my face. That's right, think horrible things, naked grandmas, naked grandmas, cancer paitents, Mandomommy.... wait, why is my boner getting harder?

I felt a massive palm grip the back of my shoulder.

"YOU HURT BIG SIS'S FEELINGS GUY."

"I don't even know your sis---"

My sentance was cut mid sentance as my face was slammed into the sink.

"DONT PLAY DUMB."

"Heh heh, yeah, dummy!" another gorrila looking chump said in the background.

"YOU HURT BIG SIS DASH FEELINGS! NOW WE NO WIN FOOTBALL GAME!"

Oh right, she's the captain of every team, including the Equestria High HandEgg team.

"YOU NO LOOK CLEAN ENOUGH ANON. WE GIVE YOUR FACE CLEAN!"

"That's highly unesscessary sir----------OH MY GOD!"

Suddenly I was 6 feet off the ground and over the shoulder of a very healthy and definately nothing wrong with his mental capacity football player. He kicked open a lavatory door and chuckled.

"YOU DOO DOO HEAD BELONG WHERE DOO DOO GO!"And with that incredibly well thought out comment of his, my vision went from a slight vertigo to a nauseating whirlpool of toilet water. Attempting at my behest not to swallow or drown on any foul water, I dig my fingernails into anything I could possibly grab.

"HE FIGHT LIKE KITTY!"

Damn! My cat jutsu is not very effective!

"KITTY LIKE SQWUISHY?"

Dear Lord no...

*FLUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSH*

"GWAR HAR HAR HAR, THAT'LL SHOW DUMB HEAD TO HURT BIG SIS FEELINGS!" The alpha meathead guffawed as his lackeys, Tweedle Dick and Tweedle Shit both snortled.

"HAVE SOME DOO DOO PAPER DOO DOO HEAD."

Where as my head was still in a porcelin prison, I couldn't really see what was happening, but it was my assumption that 'Doo doo paper' was...

I sniffed slighty.

Yeah. He just put shit covered toilet paper on me. Great.

Suddenly I hear the smelly hippy kid again. "HEY LOOK EVERYONE! ANON'S NOT USING THE TYPICAL PROCEDURE OF EMPTYING ONES BOWELS! LET'S ALL POINT AND LAUGH AT HIM!"

More laughter ensues. I could feel the toilet water around me boil. Oddly enough, I still had an erection.

"ENOUGH! BE GONE! OUT WITH YE!" I erupt from the toilet bowl, with shit covered toilet paper arms and ranting like a mad dog.

"QUICKLY! BEFORE HE GETS INTO A HETEROSEXUAL RELATION WITH YOU!" The hippie cries out as the crowd of students and meatheads leave quickly. Panting in severe anger I stumble over to the bathroom sink and look at the shameful sight of myself.

I fall over and began weeping with the intensity of 70 justin bieber fangirls.

Its not fair, it really isn't. School days are truly the worst days of your life, even if you are well fed, have a place to go home to every night without the worry of malaria or a bomb going off around the corner.

"A-a-a-a-anon? Are you crying?" I hear a soft whimper from the lavatory next to my personal water boarding chamber.

No...it can't be...

I walk over and push open the door.

Chapter 3: Adam Sandler films lose their luster with age

"Fluttershy?"

there she was, the yellow ball of nervous anxiety upon a throne of porcelin shame, a faint streak of fresh tears running dry upon her face.

"Were...you crying Anon?" She asked as she ruffled her skirt akwardly, as it was virbrating slightly underneath. Woman, don't you know to take off your underpants to do your business?

"Nah, why would I be crying? My...life is perfect!" I began bubbling trying to puff out my chest whilst hiding the internal sorrow of an embaressment away from the eyes of the fairer sex.

"It's okay Anon. I cry alot too. Like today...when...well..." She begins shifting on the toilet seat, her face beginning to flush crimson.

"Uh...Fluttershy, I just realized, this is a men's lavatory, why are you in here?" I asked pondering the obvious question that I obviousally asked with an obvious questioning tone to my obviousally questioning question.

"Well... Anon...you see....I had....a bit of a....well..." Her tears begin running down her face once more like a salty waterfall, as she lifted her skirt.

"Oh, nice yellow panties!" I noted, giving her a huge thumbs up.

"They were white Anon..." she muffled slightly.

"Oh. OH. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......"

I came to realization of the akward situation, and walked backwards from the lavatory of shame. How absolutely shameful, but at least Fluttershy isnt be made the academic hooligan by smelly hippies, but still... that poor girl. I couldnt just leave her in that state of mind. Then it hit me, if I'm already a hooligan, might as well as hammer it home. I gulped and strutted over to the sink, and turned on the faceut, knowing with every drip of liquid equated to my self dignity finding itself swirling into a never ending hole of darkness.

It's for the poor girl, you can do this Anon.

I dabbled some of the sink water, and began throwing it upon my awesome khakis, with a bearing toward my loin region, ahh yes. Indeed the look of an unregulated bladder I had! With a heavy heart I kicked open the mens room door and made my way out to the still crowded for whatever reason hallway of students. I exhaled as time space seemed to shutter around me. I could see him, and I could feel his accusing finger pointing to me from the vastness of reality itself. The words came distorted and blurted, as if heralding the eternal and ancient gods themselves in his prelude.

"HEY LOOK EVERYONE.....ANON PEED HIS PANTS!!!! LETS ALL POINT AND LAUGH AT HIS INABILITY TO CONTROL HIS URINARY SYSTEMS!"

Then the laughter, it began swirling and colliding all around me, like some wicked tempest of adolescent sirens around me. ACH T'WERE IT BE THE CRY OF CRACKELS UPON MINE EARS! THE SPIRALING EYES OF JUDGEMENT MORPHING AND CATROSPHINATING INTO FOUL DAEMONS OF A WORLD UNSEEN!

I inhaled and pointed my fingers to my crotch.

"OF COURSE I DID, ALL THE COOL KID PEE THERE PANTS!"

Suddenly silence. The entire crowd of laughing student body stood awestruck at my lunacy.

"Y-y-y-you ain't cool...unless ya pee your pants." I stammer slowly as I flip my basketball cap backwards in a show of sticking it to the MAN.

Many of the students begin muttering to one another about the inclined coolness of urinating on oneself. Then suddenly out of nowhere Chester McCoolio of the AwesomeRad family just fucking gallavants across the hall, and releases out a giant flatuent expulsion whilst relieving his bladder. He tips his fedora at the ladies as he continues to strut down the hall, leaving a trail of urine behind him.

The crowd of students cheer and begin to emulate the perceived cool situation, I do truly feel sorry for Janitor Draw Goneques, the hallway began flooding with urine as students sloshed around.

Fluttershy poked her head out of the mens latrine, possibly wondering what all the hubbub was about, when suddenly the smelly hippie pointed at her and shouted to the crowd of urinating followers.

"LOOK EVERYONE! FLUTTERSHY PEED HERSELF TOO!"

Fluttershy gave out an adorable squeek as she ran back into the mens room, with a quickening in my step, and also urine soaked ankles, I hurried back inside to comfort the poor lass.

The sobbing intensified as I called for her.

"Fluttershy? You there?"

"GO AWAY ANON! IM A LAUGHING STOCK!" I heard a shrill cry as toilet paper was flung in my general direction. BAM! Right in the forehead, 360 noscope headshot.

"Fluttershy, you aren't anything of a laughing stock, in fact... they are cheering for you." I sneak past a latrine door and carefully open it up.

"Cheering? Why would they cheer for dumb stupid peed herself Fluttershy?" I heard sobbing from behind the plastic swinging door, ach, there she be!

"Well, I kind of showed them it was the cool thing to do..." I gently muttered as I opened up the door.

"ANON DONT LOOK AT ME!" Fluttershy dropped her razorblade, and so did my heart. I had made it in the nick of time, she was plotting to slit her wrists!

"Fluttershy...." I began to state.

"I'M SORRY, I'M SO SO SORRY, I JUST... I CAN'T DEAL WITH THE SHAME ANON!"

With a great furvor I took her hand and drug her out of the bathroom. "ANON NO! YOU'RE KILLING ME ANON! YOU'RE KILLING ME!"

"Hey look everybody it's Fluttershy and Anon"

I stood before the crowd of clearly soiled students as I grabbed Fluttershy's skirt and raised it so that all could see.

"WHATS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? AFRAID TO STARE AWESOMENESS IN THE FACE? WELL YOU LOOK AT IT! " I pushed her into a crowd of scared students.

"LOOK AT IT!"

"I WANT ALL OF YOU TO LOOK AT IT!"

The students began running away in complete fear leaving a river of urine in their path that began flowing down the stairs like a urinary koi pond

"What was all that about?" I ask as I flip Fluttershy around and come face to face with a penis that was bigger than mine.

Oh. OH. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh...............

I lifted my left hand and realized I had a pair of urine soaked panties dangling twain my fingers, I must have...accidentally taken them off while my show of bravado to the crowd. Fluttershy began tearing up again, in both her eyes and nether eye.

"T-t-t-this is s-s-s-so embaressing Anon!!!!" She began whimpering mightly.

"Fluttershy..." I began as I backed away carefully from the eager and twitching manhood that undulated before my eyes. "I just want to say that I'm so sorry..."

"Your the first boy ever to touch me there....I guess we have to date now..."

Wut. No. Fuck this. I'm out.

I quickly dash out of the hallway and leave Fluttershy pantiless and alone as her sobs continued to fill the hallway.

Chapter 4: Apples and Books are both educational and delicious!

I noped as fast as I could, and wasn't paying attention when I ran face first into another face.

"CONSARN IT" She screamed before falling on top of me. We landed on my back, as I rasied my arms out to cushion her fall.

"Ahhhhhhhhhh...............not there.........." she moaned.

I take a look where my hands had caught her...DAMN IT ALL TO HELL! My hand went straight up her skirt, and past the underpants, I was definately past the Mason Dixon line, and clearly in the swamps of Missouri.

"Applejack, I'm so sorry, wait let me get you off of me."

Applejack stared down at me and gave a wicked smirk.

"Naw Anon, I thought it was you. I was hoping you'd have the brass ta say that to mah face one day. Now giddy up."

"Wait...what?"

Applejack clenched her very powerful thighs around my extended arm and began straddling like she was the belle of the rodeo.

"YEEEEEEEEHAWWWWWWWW UP AND AT EM ANON!"

OH GOD MY FUCKING FINGERS! THEY ARE GOING TO SNAP UNDER THE COLLIDING MASH OF SOUTHERN SUNSHINE!

"A-a-a-a-a-a-ap-p-p-p-ple-j-j-j-jaaack...." I muttered trying not to get kicked in the face with a eager boot.

"Yeah sugarcube? Unnnnnnnnnnnnh that's right.......oh God right there.........YES YES!"

Applejack lifted a miniscreen to her face and pumped her fist as trumpets began blaring out of nowhere.

"Applejack, its not as if this isn't particularly exciting or whatnot, I was just hoping that..." I muttered trying to manuveur my fingers at the speed of a 14 year old Korean Tekken 6 player, which I suppose didnt really help the situation at all.

"What you'll be wearing to the weddin? What we'll name our first child? When your going to take the job as CEO and President of Sweet Apple Acres?" she began rambling as her hips grinded harder and deeper on my throbbing fingers.

"Actually I was wondering if you've seen Rarity around? I was supposed to meet her after class."

Applejack suddenly stopped grinding upon my arm.

"Oh...Rarity. Oh... Y-yeah... I guess so..." Applejack's eyes seemed so distant, and I could her the sound of her heart shatter.

"You okay Applejack?" I began to wiggle a bit under her.

She noticed the situation and quickly jumped off of me, wiping her skirt with her hands. "Oh yeah... everything's fine... nothing weird about forcing your hands in my vagina in broad daylight because I thought you were finally confessing your feelings to me which I thought were certainly mutual, and honestly I've waited for, for at least 4 years now or anything.... Nope completely fine Anon!" She said as she crossed her arms, and grumped at me.

"Really? So then you'll take me to Rarity?"

"JUST GO YA PERVVY VARMINT! I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY AH EVER LIKED YOU!"

And with a swift kick to the ass, I was hurled into the Library which was convienantly right next to Applejack. I landed face first in a pile of anatomy books, right next to a long hallway in the library. I stood up and shook my head. Goddamn! everyone has been a real asshole today!

What did I ever do to deserve such treatment? All I want to do is meet up with the girl I idolize and finally get some sweet sweet lovings! Is that too much to ask?

Fuck!

I wipe my pants off and I hear a small yelp of excitement from the Warren Buffet aisle of fiction.

"Spike, NO! Do not put your nose there!"

"I can't help it Twilight! Ever since I became a dog, there's....just something DOWN there that I have to smell!"

"S-s-s-s-s-spike! S-s-s-stop it! What if someone sees us?"

"Who's going to see? No one goes to the library! That's for nerds!"

A sudden moment of akward silence.

"Well, no offense I mean."

"O-o-okay Spike...just be quick about it..."

Curiousity getting the best of me, I snuck my head where the slurping sounds of dog could be heard.

"WHATS GOING ON HERE!" I screamed as Twilight and Spike both jumped in shock, Spike getting his tongue stuck in Twilights underpants, and boths Twilights and my face growing red.

"Ah....HA! I THOUGHT I heard dog sex in here!" I muttered, spaghetti falling out of my pockets, " and...I guess I was....right?"

"TWILIGHT HELP! IM SCHTUCK!"

I looked down to the purple dog whose head was stuck in a purple polymer panty prison.

"Yo man, that's a talking dog man."

"Anon I can.........explaaaaaaaiiiiiiiii OHHHH GOD SPIKE NOT THERE..........."

Spike ruffled his back legs, trying desperately to escape his limited viewpoint, Twilight not helping the situation close her legs around the pooch, crippling his mobility even further.

Well, as you can imagine, such a thing was indeed not silent as Ms Derpowitz, the teachers aide stomped over to our direction.

"ANON! HIDE US!" Twilight begged as she moaned slightly.

I nodded and leaned in front of Twilight and Spike's Wacky Animal Fun Time, blocking them from any viewer. Derpowitz stomped over and glared at me, and the bookcase adjacent from me as well.

"This is a library! NOW SHUSH!" She lifted a finger to her lips and made a shushing motion.

"Oh God....don't stop....ahhhhhhhh." Twilight moaned behind me.

Ms Derpowitz put both hands on her hips in a very sexy yet dominating librarian kind of way.

"Excuuuuuuuse me Anon?" She raised her eyebrow at me, as she began tapping her boot.

"Uhh... yeah, don't stop doing that Ms Derpowitz..."

"Oh GOD I'M SO HORNY!!!!" Twilight whimpered behind me.

"Oh God, yes, I'm so horny" I repeated monotonely and confusingly to Ms Derpowitz, who in turn continued to grump continually, as her foot tapping turned into a river dance of boot stomping.

"Oh God, Fuck me! Fuck me hard!" Twilight moaned slightly.

"Oh God, Fuck me Ms Derpowitz, Fuck me hard!" I uttered, gulping at her intense glare.

Ms Derpowitz seemed to have enough as she stomped over to me, as raised an open hand.

"Wait don't!" I began to anticipate being thrown aside, but instead felt a soft tap to my cheek.

"Oh Anon... you have no idea how much I wanted to hear that from you... I'll wait for you after school okay?" Ms Derpowitz winked and me and ran her hand down my chest and causually rubbed my loins.

"See you around stud muffin."

She swayed her bottom with every step she took, as if enticing me further to the idea of an after school special.

I exhaled and turned around, " She's gone Twi----"

Turns out Twilight got Spike out of her panties awhile ago, as he and I were watching Twilight masterbate furiously with a copy of 'Catcher in the Rye'.

"FUCK ME ANON! FILL ME WITH YOUR MAN ROD!" she moaned as she plunged the spine of the book deeper into her purple pleasure pit.

Spike looked up at me and laughed. "Yeah sorry man, we kind of planned this out."

"Were you always able to talk magical talking dog?"

"Yeah, don't you pay attention?"

"Why would I pay attention to a background character?"

"Dude, that's harsh."

Twilight looked up at me, and opened her mouth, as her tongue began swirling around in her agape stare, mirrored down below, as her legs spread wide, her privvies ravaged and plump. She moaned as she touched each eager lip.

"Fuck me Anon, right here. Right now."

"No, I don't like eggheads."

With that I slipped my hands into my pockets and causually walk away while whistling the Ghostbusters theme.

Chapter 5: The Climax is always the best part!

Chapter 5: The Climax is always the best part!

Well, this has certainly been an eventful 20 minutes of my day, but I guess its finally time to get down to business, and when I mean business, I mean dirty kinky business with Rarity! You can't see it, but I'm totally twirling my evil genius mustache right now. Rarity... you shall be mine! I dash over to the girls locker room, and come inside. Huh... its completely empty like its the suspenseful arrival to a climax of a story or something.

"Rarity? It's Anon! I got your note! I'm here!"

"Oh Anon! Finally you've arrived!"

Rarity steps out of the showers, with naught but a towel round her opalescent body. I could feel the grinding of my nethers within my loins. YES......YEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSS.

"You had a surprise for me?" I innocentally inquired.

"Oh yes darling, please sit down and close your eyes." Rarity pointed at the empty bench in front of her. I quickly responded with the glee of a lap dog.

"Keep them shut Anon... I can't ruin the surprise..."

Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy, I hope she puts her ass in my face first! Oh boy oh boy oh boy.

"OKAY! OPEN THOSE EYES ANON AND BEHOLD!"

I open my eyes, and my jaw drops to the floor. There was Sunset Shimmer with a bit of a pudgey belly, holding hands with Rarity, and a paper in both of their hands that read.

"Congratulations on being a Father!"

...

NOPE

I slowly back away and then I run to jump out the 3rd story window. I tackled through the glass and as I fell I screamed back at them.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU"

I whipped both middle fingers to the girls who stuck their heads out of the window as I fell toward a relitivaly large puddle of Rotten Mayonaisse near Joe's Coffee emporium.

"ANOOOOOOOON! IT WAS JUST A PRANK!" Rarity screamed out, as Sunset lifted her shirt and pulled out a basketball.

I look back at the ever growing closer puddle of spoiled Mayo as I suddenly think to myself.

Fuck.

And so here I am, face down in a puddle of spoiled mayonaisse behind Joe's coffee emporium, with my pants ripped and wet, and several penises drawn on my chest that I had just noticed that the meatheads drew on me. This is all because of everyone else, all of them! Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Applejack, Twilight, Sunset, and Rarity, ESPECIALLY RARITY!

Everyone else is the fault for my situation, and let me tell you why... this world is full of JERKS!

I've never been a jerk to anyone in my life! Well... even though I did break Rainbow's Heart... or got Pinkie to blab about her Double Gender and pushed her away... or I ripped off Fluttershy's underpants, and revealed to the entire school she had a penis, or that I ignoredand rebuked the feelings of Applejack who admitted she had feelings for a long while, and I outright insulted Twilight, who tried her best, although in a strange way tried to seduce me. I guess I technically show that I was more interested in suicide more than being a father, and I told Rarity, the girl I admired, to fuck off...

Huh...maybe... just maybe....

Maybe I'm the jerk?

It wasn't before long the ambulance came and escorted me to the hospital. The smelly hippie kid pointed at me and said out loud.

"Look everyone Anon is being taken to the hospital! Let's all laugh at his misery!" But then suddenly a 16 Wheeler Truck ran him over, backed up, and ran over him again. Stupid smelly hippy, you shouldn't stand in the middle of the road.

I lifted my finger and pointed at the sight. "Ha....ha..." Then all was darkness.

Chapter 6: And so the day was saved, THANKS TO THE POWERPUFF GIRLS (not really but I wanted to put something here)

Chapter 6: And so the day was saved, THANKS TO THE POWERPUFF GIRLS (not really but I wanted to put something here)

I woke up in a hospital room, surrounded by balloons, get well cards, and eight very happy looking women.

"NONNIE!"

"Hey there pardner!"

"STUD MUFFIN!"

"A-anon!"

"BIG GUY!"

"Anon Sempaii"

"Runs off on his family instead of manning up and dealing with the consequences of his actions guy!"

"Dearest Anon!"

The eight women surrounded and hug me at the same time, dear lord, that is 16 bosoms above my face. That certainly makes my day a little better.

"Oh Anon" Rarity stated. " If I'd known what trouble my little prank would cause, I'd never thought of it in the first place!"

"Well, it wasn't TOO much trouble." Rainbow twirled her hair with her finger. "After all, I did get to meet mini Anon..."

"Yeah, and I got to express muh feelings and my lusts for Anon..." Applejack stated giving me a wink. "Nonnie likes my pee pee vagina!" Pinkie Pie jumped as her penis slapped her vagina. "A-a-and Anon taught me how to be proud of who I am" Fluttershy poked her two pointer fingers together. "And I got to open my sexuality up" Twilight said rubbing Spikes tail, "And I finally met a man who doesn't mind my silly eyes!" Ms Derpowitz stated, sitting at the edge of my bed, rubbing her hand on my leg, "And I didn't really have a plot point in this entire event" Sunset said as she spoke from the background scene.

"Oh, I see.... well, maybe some good did come from all of this." Rarity stated as she looked back at me, and held a hand to my chin.

"I just wish it didn't come to such a terrible cost."

"It's honestly fine Rarity, I'm sorry I was such a jerk to you all, I've had a hell of a day. I guess, the only thing left is to ask why did you do it Rarity?"

"Well, Anon... I kind of have a crush on you, and well you see, I just wanted to tease you a little bit with a prank, and then tell you the real surprise."

"Whats the real surprise?" I asked, getting up slightly in my bed.

Rarity nodded to the other seven, who nodded back. Pinkie went to the window and closed the blinds. Twilight shut the room door and locked it. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy pushed the other empty bed and merged it with mine, as the others began slipping out of their clothes.

"Well, to be honest dearest Anon, I thought Sunset and I would have a go at you in the Girls locker room..." she stated as she slipped off her panties, while the seven others were following her cue.

"But then after talking with everyone, turns out we all have the same feelings for you." She took off her shirt, and bra, which the other seven did as well. She began climbing on the bed, as did the other seven, massaging and rubbing my aching bones and muscles.

"And we decided, all for one, and one for all! Right girls?"

"RIGHT!" They all shouted.

Rarity crept her thighs close to my face and looked down at me. Pic related http://i.4cdn.org/mlp/1399396432370.jpg

"Anon do you know what today is?"

"Wednesday?"

"Correct, but actually..." she crept down to my ear and whispered.

"It's pronounced humpday."

A random camel ran down the hospital hallway shouting "HUMPDAY"

And so my story ends, in a naked pile of jerks, but to me its honestly fine, because I'm a jerk too, and as long as you are able to forgive each other, and be honest and forthright with your feelings, and opinions, you can have a truly magical friendship, instead of just jerking each other off. Speaking of which, I dont know whose hands these are but they're amazing!

THE END.