TCB: The Greatest Story Never Told

by TheGreekDollmaker

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Tragedy, Dark, Human, Sad
Length: 4626

One man, one draconequus, six writers to kill.

One man, myself. A philosopher art student that writes fan fiction on his spare time.

One Draconequus, preparing to wreck Celestia's plan for the total conversion of the human race.

Six writers.Cloudhammer, Midnight Shadow, Chatnoyance, Krass McWriter, Windchaser, Anonsi. They need to be killed.

Thats what Discord said to me. With his help, I plan to make it happen.

—
Written for the March something annivarsary.
Permission from the real writers has been granted for me to write this.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-04-03 14:14:02 UTC

Prologue: To bring them down

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To bring them down

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Written and Drawn By TheGreekDollmaker

For the TCB anniversary Collabs or some shit.

***

We are about to change.

To think of our achievements and to let them become nothing more than memories. Those memories will be forgotten once all of this is over, if it really does happen. Of course this could have been a joke, nothing more than a trick to fool me and scare me. The carcass of a dead man, or what used to be him anyways, spoke out of a different outcome.

My head hurt from all the thinking. I could smell bile and decomposition in the air, the body already diminishing and smelling like death. I can hear the radio playing outside of my bathroom, talking about stuff all the more decreasing in speed and volume. The voices inside my head all get louder and faster. Hitler screaming from the balconies. A French soldier sitting on the trenches while singing La Marseillaise to himself. Nixon talking to Kissinger about Cambodia.

So here I am, sitting in the toilet for over an hour now, holding a revolver in one hand and a scroll on another, contemplating whether to shoot myself or not. I was looking down on the bathroom tiles thinking of the implications of what would happen. Why not just kill myself? why not just spare myself of future consequences when I could be free of the chains of existence. I couldn’t of course, not that there was anything stopping me from doing so. I simply had been blessed and cursed with responsibility, a responsibility that would spell the end of this earth and the clever animals residing on them.

Greetings, friend.

Hundreds of years have passed since we last made contact with you. Hundreds of years stuck on this tiny planet, trying to overcome the pains and suffering brought down upon you by this world. All the hatred, the death, the vile destruction that you humans have bought to yourselves. All the cruel rulers and diseases, all the fires and genocides, the violence and hate. All of the wars and the famines, all of the crimes that are being committed due to your faulty nature, all of that we wish to diminish. We have seen all of that and we are horrified.

So we are here to give you a choice out of the goodness of our hearts. A ticket to salvation, to a better world where there is somebody to care about you, to love and help you when you need help without worry, a world where famine, disease and war are nothing more than myth. We give you the potion that writers like you have (or plan to) write about. We want to give you the seeds to the salvation of this earth and its inhabitants.

We know that such choice is a hard one indeed. We hope that you have enough time to make this decision and to further change the bleak future of this species. With this letter you will be given six purification potions for the purposes of giving it to those that you wish to help and spread our word. Our plan is to bring the wonder and essence of magic into this world to allow the entry of Equestria. Every time you give a potion to somepony else you will be supplied with six more potions for his/her family or friends. The change will be permanent, and you will turn into one of the three Equestrian types of ponies, Earth Ponies, Pegasi or Unicorns.

This is a hard task for you, we know, but we hope that you will be able to make the right choice in time. We are doing this because we have seen what you yearn for in life. We feel saddened and heartstruck due to the nature of your world.

We want to help, for you, for us, for a better tomorrow.

With Regards

Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, the twin Equestrian sisters.

I read it again. How can I express what this means, what words of noises do I have to make to convey what I am feeling right now. On one hand, sparing myself of such responsibility and escaping with death, on the other, trying to fulfil what the twin sisters want to do.

But I am getting ahead of myself.

My name is Chris, but I commonly go by the name of TheGreekDollmaker online. I was an art student, sent to the big city Athens by my parents to study art and eat steak at all the taverns while staying up at night philosophising about life and the nature of reality. Just another black-haired pretty boy isolating himself to watch and judge the world from the screens of the a computer. It would be what Zarathustra would do if he had access to the internet. I also was a fanfic writer, but only so and so. I had plans to write a TCB trilogy but with what had happened in the last hours, I highly doubt I would do so.

 I received the scroll a couple of hours ago, when I came back home to my apartment. In middle of the living room I found a scroll and six potions, all neatly wrapped up in plastic. I read the scroll and reacted like every human being would. I didn’t believe it. There was no reason to believe it, there was no reason to waste my time with mere jokes made by tricksters with the purposes of surprising me.

Yet at the same time, I felt compelled to see what was in the potion. I unwrapped the plastic and took out a potion. It was amber in color and it didn’t have the consistency of water. Very impressive for a prank I had thought.

Again, I couldn’t help it, I had to use this on somebody. The building I lived in housed many apartments, all cramped with people that I could have fooled. I found one men, Theodore, the mailman that came over each Friday to deliver the mail. A small prank wouldn’t hurt was all I was saying to myself.

        And he is now dead. I shot him with the same revolver that I am about to shoot myself too. I just had killed a man... no, I just had killed a pony. I gave him the potion telling him it was orange juice. He drank it, all of it, one go. He felt dizzy almost immediately  and he wanted to vomit. Ten seconds later he spazzed out while entering my bathroom. Twenty seconds later I could see his skin changing, fur coming out of everywhere and his clothes starting to rip. I didn’t watch after that through, I went straight for my drawer where I kept my Ruger revolver. It must have taken me a minute, because when I got back he had already turned into a pony. Theodore was a ginger as a mailman and it was reflected here. A little puffy red hair, freckles and a beige fur. I couldn’t believe it. He was lying on the ground unconscious and I was at a loss of words. This was real. They were coming, and I was about to be their messenger.

        Theodore wore up from his unconsciousness. He appeared shocked and shaken, but as he rose his head and took a look around him and his body he came back to his senses. He wasn’t surprised, nor was he angry or furious. He looked at me and told me with a straight face

“Thank you.”

        So I shot him. Right in the head. The gunshot would have been heard from the other side of the building but that didn’t matter. Nobody came to see what happened because nobody was here at this time of the day, not even the janitor. I just had killed a pony. I just had killed the first man that I converted unknowingly to him, and he thanked me for it. Nobody would know for now.

        He was dead. Dead, like most of the human race at heart. Dead at mind from over information, dead from the inability to think, dead from forgetting how to hate and love.

        I killed a pony...

***

I still sat there on the toilet, despite the state I found myself being. After killing him, I put his body on the bathtub and cleaned all the blood. I took out my clothes and put them into bags. I would burn them once I left the building. I was only on my jeans, shirtless and mentally broken.

Still through.

I felt like laughing. Its been hours since this happened, sooner or later I would have to cut him in pieces and put him into duffel bags and dispose them somewhere. I had done my homework for stuff like that, for some reason. Yet, at the same time, I wanted to shoot myself. There was no fucking way I was going to do the dirty work of the princesses. This wasn’t just a personal issue, it was a philosophical and universal issue. I didn’t want to be “saved” as they called it, I didn’t want them to forcefully come and “save” this earth that birthed us. Their whole existence was a threat to humanity. Our greatest strength, ignorance, would be our greatest weakness, and since most people don’t know of human nature, they would be lost, lost to a cause they don’t understand.

They don’t understand anything about themselves, they don’t understand anything about the nature of the world. They have spent so much time being oppressed or slaves to society, that they yearn for freedom so much. Freedom of the powerful, freedom from the “rich”, freedom of hatred, freedom of inequality and so on. They think that freedom is their one and only goal. They are tired of life because unconsciously they have seen its true face and hate it because they can’t emotionally comprehend it. They want to take no risks, they only wish and seek comfort and security.

What is so pure about that? What is so pure in their ideals if there nothing to oppose them? What worth does a world like that have if that world cannot be threatened, without the prospect of failure or death to motivate them to protect what they consider worthy of protecting? To be ready to fight to the last breath but to die with a purpose. What is their life worth is they can get soothing and calming answers from an immortal being that takes care of them? How can they think that they can be free if even at death they cannot escape the clutches of other ponies, instead resorting to an afterlife? I cannot let them get away with this. I cannot let their touch come in contact with humanity. They have their own reality and we have ours.

Again, at the same time I felt like killing myself. It was ironic, I wanted the same thing that they wanted. Freedom. I wanted to get out while I still could, let them deal with this. Killing my self was the way to go, but of course, the instinct to live was just too strong. That’s why I now find my with a revolver on my hand. The princesses are not stupid, they just told me they have send potions like these to other people. Other people all over the world. At this moment they are probably thinking the same that thing that I am, what to do with a situation like this. If I am lucky they wouldn’t be bronies. If they are, I hope to hell they aren’t TCB fans or writers.

        Heh, The Conversion Bureau. What an idea that was. Ponies come out sideways through dimensions and reveal themselves to us, they ponify people turn them and sent them to Equestria; The same ponies from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic; This was so absurd, I thought it must have been some kind of alternative reality.

I mean for god’s sake they were nothing more than ponies! Projections of our craving in life, projections of what we supposedly wanted and lacked. They were never supposed to be here, never ever mimic us. We came first and gave birth to them, not the other way around!

“My, my, my I didn’t have you for a philosopher.” I heard a voice, a voice I recognized from watching a particular cartoon show.

“Discord?” I called out in amazement.

“CONGRATULATIONS!!! that’s correct Chris, you just answered the 250.000 Dollar question! Want to go for 500.000?.” he spoke, corny and unpredictable as he always was in the show.

“Hold on, where are you? why are you here?” I called out again.

“Oh, I am here for many reasons, the second of which being is that you don’t put a bullet through your head. Hell, the janitor already has enough work to do, don’t make his life any harder you cruel, cruel man.” he spoke with the same charisma or lack of like in the show. Great, now i have to deal with him too.

“Random as ever it seems.” I told him.

“Oh what? you aren’t going to ask any questions? You are just going to bore me by having me explain all of the good parts? You really are cruel.” he called again.

“Ok Discord, I’ll play, but first reveal yourself.”

“Oh, this is going to get good.”

        As he said that, my bathroom mirror turned black and from there Discord came into view. He looked quite cartoony for a being composed of a dozen animal parts.

“Allow me to introduce myself as best as I can. Ahem. I am Discord, Lord of Destruction, Spirit of Chaos, Master of Chocolate Rain and among others, professional Disco dancer!” he cried out while making faces on the mirror.

        “Ok, then I have a que-” I got interrupted.

“No, I don’t have any connections to Tay Zonday. He stole my act through, I have my lawyers on the case.” he spoke with disdain.

“Besides that, why have you interrupted my 2 o'clock appointment with death.” I said jokingly.

“Because, Chris, I am here to help you with your cause. Not help you directly that much, but give you the tools to further that of your own interests.” he was getting a little bit serious by now.

“Oh, you are going to help me build a space station to the send Justin Bieber to the moon?” I told him.

“Unfortunately, no, but I do like your thinking. You see Princess Celestia is planning to crash into earth and throw the biggest purification party ever and everybody is invited to it. The potions and the notes? those are your VIP tickets. You along with a dozen or so people were picked to spread the word of Equestria and Harmony and all of that old boring stuff. I guess the Princesses made a mistake, Mr. Defector.” he was getting to the good stuff too.

“Defector? I am not even sure If I want to do what I set out to do. I mean really, my love for this world sterns from the hatred of those that inhabit it. I hate these weak minded people, those insects of the Human species, and yet, this is what they want. Why should I stop them for getting what they have screamed and kicked for so much? They are ignorant people wanting of ignorant things.” I replied.

“Yet, they are what makes this world go round. From them great man and woman have risen and understood this world. From their ignorance you have learned, from the pains and sufferings, from the grim reminders that go on in the world great individuals rise. I have been watching your world for thousands of years, and I can tell you, no other point in history has this been more true than now.” he said with a serious expression on his face.

“Wait, you have been watching this world for thousands of years? How, weren’t you trapped in Equestria?” I called confused as Discord continued to watch me stoically.

“It is what I have been doing while being trapped by our beloved Princess Equestria. Though, it was more of a exile when you think about it. Oh, how much I loved those dancing Buffaloes.” he changed his mood once again.

“Well, since you have spent so much time with the human race you probably are responsible for a interventions if I am correct. I am guessing World War 2 was you fucking around with Hitler or something.”

“Goodness no, Chris. You seem to be accusing me of the ills in your world. WIth the exception of the Trojan War, I haven’t done anything major to warrant attention. I know how your civilization works, how this universe works. To be honest, I am impressed and respectful of the world you inhabit. I know the strengths and weaknesses of humanity.”

“I know that. Our highest point is our lowest one. Our greatest strength is a foundation that gets weaker by the day. We are reaching our next point, and all of that will be threatened by them. Their existence being known will mark the greatest blow to our intellectuals minds. Tell me Discord, how soon will we fall?”

He became serious at that moment, more serious than he ever looked on those rare moments on the show. He opened his mouth and he started his speech.

“The virtue which you have developed over two centuries will be lost within a year. Those that are fed up with their lives will wish for the world of no conflict, just so that they can be comfortable with their families and friends. Those that ruled them will find themselves alone, and they will leave because they no longer have any power. And those that loved this cruel world, this cold and unforgiving universe that made them as strong as they were, they will die with this earth. They will die, and they will be the ones that will be truly free, that tried to cheat death and grab the universe by its throat telling it that you are its new masters. While those die for a purpose the rest of them live out what they wished to do and they will find themselves unable to dream. They will claim to have found true happiness while they live, and once they live they will die like the sheep they are, the greatest of all failures. But they fell like that. They won’t need to do that. The potion will just change them to like their new life. How pathetic.“

“Those sound like the words I would use...” I replied after all of this

“Oh, don’t get too cocky doll boy, you may think you understand a lot, but in reality, you aren’t any that much better than the vermin you so much hate.” he continued on. “Ignorance is what makes you go on Chris, what makes the human race go on. Once that ignorance is diminished you will become purposeless. You may think you have knowledge but infact you are just as ignorant as every human being in this planet. The only thing you don’t have that they do is self delusion.” he made accusations now.

“Now, do not think that I do what I do mainly because I don’t want your species to die. I am the spirit of Chaos, and my goals are are to cause chaos as much as possible.” he informed me.

“Then why haven’t you transformed this earth into candy, or turn the moon into cheese?” I questioned.

“Because it isn’t fun or chaotic enough. It is unopposed power, power that you or any other human on this earth cannot stop. What’s the point of power if nobody is there to challenge it. Those that are left without purpose, those that have no obstacles in front of them will either turn insane or they will try to find and create obstacles. Trust me, I have had the same problem before when I realised of my true nature. This universe has no moral compass, has no ultimate ruler that defines of manifests the elements of harmony or magic or hunger or turkey sandwiches or whatever. Princess Celestia is coming to change that with this universe and I am planning something big for her, something chaotic, my true purpose.” he said while grinning.

“I cannot even...urgh. Look, I get what you mean, you want to save the human race and wreck Celestia’s plans. But what can I possibly offer that you already cannot do?” I asked.

“Well, for starters you can kill. Yes, Yes I understand that you are baffled about this but it’s personal thing. Even during the Trojan War no blood was spilled under my hand.” he told me with an apologetic look.

I understood what he wanted me to do.

“You want me to kill them, right? You want me to go cruising around the world and to kill them before they spread the potions?” I asked him.

“Well, the whole deal is kinda ridiculous when you think about it. You going around the world with the help of a god in order to stop another god from invading this place. I will get into that stuff but first I need to ask you a question. If I were to give you the tools and some help, would you help me with the cause I so truly want to succeed?” he started floating around while speaking.

“Lets get things a little straight here, since you are random and all, no offense. What is your cause?” I asked him.

“I already told you of my cause Chris, I want to be as chaotic as possible, in a universe that can oppose and entertain me. This world is not fit for that, neither do I want it to be infected by those other worlds choking in magic. A more valid question would be of my plans. Listen carefully Chris, because I will only say this 0.6723 times. You, with the help of my powers, will go around the world, finding those that possess the potion, and you will kill them. I can find them for you, I can help you get there, I can help you cover up your tracks, but everything you do physically will be your responsibility. If you succeed Equestria will not be able to enter this universe.” he told me.

“I read the scroll. It said that they gave us the potion in order to fill this place with magic. I guess Equestria needs it to enter this place. Tell me through, what prevents them from simply sending more potions down here?” I asked.

“I have done my research thanks to my amazing god powers and with the use of the internet. From experience of world visiting, I can safely say that if they cannot get at least a hundred and nine point three seven six nine one one five humans purified they will not be able to enter this world without severely crapping over the space-time continuum. By each passing second, Equestria is getting further away from this universe. The point where you received the potion was the closest point their world was closer to yours. Each time a human gets ponified, the magic from this world and theirs brings them closer. If they lose this chance, their world will drift away, pound to collision with other worlds. The last time this happened was a thousand years ago, but this time will be different. They miss their chance and they will have to wait for a dozen thousand of years before ending up in a different galaxy, specifically the Triangulum Galaxy. Confusing isn’t it?”

My head hurt even more from this revelation.

“Confusing doesn’t begin to describe it. So there are other worlds that collide with each other and shit happens or crap like that. I feel like I have been hit by a M. Night. Shyamalan movie plot twist”

“So, are you up to the task?”

“...well, what can I do now. I could kill myself, but with the insight you have given me, that sounds like the most cowardly thing to do. I mean, why escape? Why become free. This is the only life I know and right now it has and will become the greatest story never told. You called me ignorant a couple of minutes ago, then gave me knowledge that will only be reached in a million years. I guess this isn’t about the answers. You know what then? I will do it. I will hunt every single one of them down and I will kill them with these hands right here. This isn’t about the answers, this isn’t about the goal, it’s about getting to this goal and I learn from it and what I accomplish. I have nothing to live or lose.”

Discord was quite pleased by my decision.

“Wonderful! I am not disappointed by you Chris. You may be flawed and powerless in some way but I can assure you that this journey of ours will fix those flaws. As for our plans, well, you see, there is a dead transdimensional alien on your bathtub that used to be human. I suggest you start from that. Oh, and while we are at it, here is a list of the six people you will be hunting down.” he told me while throwing a scroll thru the mirror, hitting me right in the head.”

“OUCH. Shit! that hurt lik- wait, did you say six people? Only six, are you kidding me, I thought it was at least a hundred or some stuff like that.” I cried to him.

“Did you honestly think that I would only contact you of all people to do this dirty work? I only choose you because you have the right intentions and the right amount of will to do so, plus it will be quite a burn when the man the princesses counted on to save this earth betrays them. I have other bronies, just like you, that are willing to do stuff like this. It helps to keep them down you see. In the mid time, why don’t you take care of the body and get rid of the eleven ponification potions you have with you. I will contact you in the morning, don’t worry about others searching for the mailman and-OH Deadly Cop 3 is playing on tv right now.” with that Discord left.

My mirror turned back into normal, letting me see my disgusting face. I cannot believe what I have gotten myself into. I will have to get out the saw and the chlorine to clean up the body. After that I will have to remove the hair and his teeth before feeding him to some animals, pigs preferably. Crap, this is going to be one big night.

Of course I hadn’t forgotten of the gift Discord had given me. A list of all the people that I had to kill in order to prevent this clusterfuck from even happening. How surreal. Maybe this is a M. Night Shyamalan movie and I haven’t been informed yet.

I put down my revolver and unrolled the scroll. When I read it, to be honest, I had a big smile on my face. A smile that pretty much made up for all the crap I had and would go through.

---

Target List

Cloudhammer

Midnight Shadow

Chatnoyance

Krass

Windchaser

Blaze (dead)

Anonsi

Information on how to get them...

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Cool...

Written by TheGreekDollmaker for the TCB Collab Anniversary thingamajig.

Possibly Will make this a series.