Bob the Melodramatic Lich Reforms the Equestrian Afterlife

by Tuv

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Crossover, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Princess Luna, Drama, Original Character
Length: 7220

A millennias old lich get pulled from his job as undertaker in another reality, and is appalled by the job the princesses are doing on the spiritual affairs of Equestria.

Bob has had his job of shuffling about the various billions of dead in his hometown for nearly four-thousand years now. In all those years, he has learned three important things:

1). Most gods disapprove of Liches handling their dead worshipers.
2). Find one Jermlaine, and there's bound to be more.
3). Beating a god at chess does not mean you have 'conquered' them, and saying so is likely to get you smote.

Because of numbers one and three, Bob is about to be taking another trip to some place very far away, and meeting some folks that honestly aren't the strangest or most unusual he has met. Once there, he'll find out some things he'd rather wish he didn't know, browbeat some princesses into spiritual reform, and find out precisely why Equestria has such a lack of real evil.

=====
Crossover with Dungeons and Dragons, specifically a campaign setting of my own design.

Yes, Bob has a character sheet. Yes, there will be a link to it once it's cleaned up a bit.

ALSO: Looking for a drawfriend willing to pony up (har har) some art of Bob for the cover image.

Published 2014-05-08 04:10:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-19 03:34:55 UTC

The Incident

In one of many realities, in one of many planes, in one of many places, sat the largest city on the largest landmass in a world that didn't have a name other than 'here'. In that city, a rough circle 400 miles wide, was a single huge cathedral dedicated to none of the thousands of various gods that existed in this reality. This made them very upset, as one would imagine. This cathedral serviced the entire metropolis, all their dead were interred here, regardless of their preferred means of burial.

One might think that such a busy location would have hundreds, nay, thousands of workers, and that the various gods would constantly be in conflict over the place. If you thought that, you would be wrong. A single man, well, what was once a man, runs the entire shebang while still maintaining the place as neutral ground from all the gods. That ex-man's name is Bob, and Bob is a Lich.

He was fretting, Bob that is, over the various minor inconveniences that marred his otherwise perfect un-life. The rodents were breeding like mad, there were two break-ins in the crypts in the past week, and, more disconcertingly, no irate god had shown up in over a month to extoll their own virtues in a mad bid to get Bob to turn the church's control over to them. Most of all, though, Bob was incredibly, inconsolably, truly, bored. Adventurers and Alchemists used to be beating on the cathedral doors almost constantly looking for work, but no more.

It was quiet in Bob's office, hidden deep in the crypts. The room was smooth stone with no windows or doors, he was a Lich of course, a skilled wizard who traded away his humanity for unlife, so that was hardly an inconvenience. A real honest-to-goodness fire, not any of that silly ever-burning stuff, cast flickering light onto a table, empty, save for a chessboard abandoned mid-game.

All of a sudden Bob felt all the wards around the room fail at once, and arcane energies build up around him. It was a familiar sensation, the feeling of some upstart god trying to send him to some far-flung plane that they think he can't escape from. It was amusing, if nothing else, so he played along.

“Oh, which god is trying to dispose of me today I wonder? It doesn't matter, though I might end up somewhere funny like last time. It took weeks to get the smell out of my robes! Maybe Wee Jas is sending me away this time, she always had the loveliest ti--” There was a loud crack as air displaced, robbing the nearby fire of oxygen.

What Bob didn't know, of course, is that a god wasn't trying to be rid of him in order to claim his cathedral. All the gods were trying to be rid of him, and this trip might be a bit more one-way than he was expecting.

=====

5-Minutes before 'The Incident', Twilight Sparkle

It was Nightmare Night, and Twilight Sparkle was fretting. Normally she would be worried about her studies, or the tidiness of her library, or even the progress on a research paper she happened to be writing. Unfortunately, today's problem was another 'Zecora-level event' except with Princess Luna being shunned instead.

Shunning anypony was bad in Twilight's mind, but shunning the god-princess of the night?! Okay, most everypony didn't really think of the princesses as goddesses, but technically speaking it was an accurate description. Even ignoring the 'god' and 'princess' parts, it was still really out of line to shun Luna, given how hard of a time she was having fitting in anywhere. Thankfully Twilight managed to convince Luna to stop moping, speak a little quieter, and rejoin the festivities. It was just a matter of showing up before Luna did, and talking sense into everypony before she arrived.

As planned, Twilight reached the town square well before Luna. Most of the attractions, however, were poorly manned at the moment, a 'skeleton' staff if you will, and the party-goers seemed clustered close to the edge of town. A few moments was all it took to get close enough to see what was going on, and oh what a strange sight it was.

Dozens of ponies crowded around a tall lanky figure and a mint-green unicorn. 'Must be one of Lyra's 'hyoomahn' illusions' Twilight surmised. It looked awfully solid for an illusion though, and Lyra shouldn't be able to create the illusion and make it solid and give it completely separate light spells to juggle.

It was wearing something like a high-fashion suit, the kind that Rarity occasionally made at the behest of a beleaguered groom or noblestallion. The clothing seemed well made to her untrained eyes, but it also appeared to be cobbled together from all manner of color and type of cloth. More distressing was the sickening way its skin seemed taut and dry, its eyes desiccated and unnatural. She wasn't an expert on any of this, yet, but she couldn't suppress the gut reaction of it looking like a walking corpse.

Twilight would definitely have figured out what was going on if Luna hadn't shown up at just the wrong moment.

“BACK CITIZENS, YOUR LIVES ARE IN PERIL AT THE HANDS OF THAT DISGUSTING ABOMINATION! FLEE WHILST I DETAIN IT!” she yells as a thin line of inky black streaked with the stars of the night sky springs from her horn. The yelling was loud, the hostility in her voice was palpable, and one got the impression that anypony struck by the beam of blackness would be in for a bad day.

Fleeing is a diplomatic way of describing what the gathered ponies did in response.

The creature threw its hands up in front of it defensively. Luna's attack seemed to dissipate harmlessly a few inches away from the thing's body, and it called out in a raspy and distressed voice.

“Hey! Whoah! Hey. Whoah, hey. Calm down, I'm not doing anything bad! Five minutes and I'm already being attacked! It's almost a record.”

“YOUR LIFE IS FORFEIT, MONSTER!”

“B-b-but... I'm already dead!” it cried, almost with tears in its eyes... probably.

Twilight Sparkle, Prodigé of Celestia, friendship researcher, Element of Magic, and concerned bystander could only sigh. It's going to be a long Nightmare Night.

=====

30 Seconds before 'The Incident', Bob

He had only been on this plane for a few minutes, but once he had shaken the jet-lag from the teleportation off, he had deemed the place 'acceptable'. He hadn't seen a single slaad, which ranked this place in the top twenty percentile of places he'd been disposed of to. There were lots of quaintly constructed houses of varying styles occupied by multicolored horses, or ponies as they had referred to themselves as. They also didn't seem particularly horrified by his presence, a little squeamish maybe, but they obviously aren't aware of the connotations of his form.

When he'd first arrived, there was something of a language barrier. They didn't seem to understand him, and he definitely didn't understand them. That particular problem was solved with Speak, and Comprehend, languages spells. The success of the casting meant that magic worked here, and that was also a point in favor of this new land he'd been exiled to.

After introductions had been made, the ponies started asking questions. They weren't particularly offensive questions, more like the kind of things you would ask a new neighbor... he shuddered at the pun. They seemed largely intelligent, though not of genius levels, so there were parallels to be drawn with the average human. They were also gregarious, looking him over and generally being extremely polite.

He could only conclude that this was a place largely untouched by evil.

It was then that he saw a purple one with a horn standing far away from the group, leering at him. This pony was intelligent, and not in the same way as the others. This pony had a thirst for knowledge that Bob could almost feel. This pony was not looking at him, this pony was studying him. It made him chuckle.

At the edge of his mind was the constant buzz of power trying to push him out of this realm. This world had gods running around all corporeal, two of them he wagered, and one of them was very close by. Very close, and getting closer. Bob readied himself for defence. It wouldn't do for him to be seen as an aggressor or for him to tragically fail to survive.

The god, -dess he noted, arrived in short order, screaming at the top of her lungs and shooting spells off like a petulant child. The ponies around Bob scattered, and only then did he realize that he had been enjoying their relatively naïve company. It was laughably easy to resist the spells she had flung at him; these were the gods of this plane? Indignance and bad jokes did not seem to deter her, and so battle was joined.

Bob was determined to end the encounter as non-lethally as possible. If the gods here were really so weak, he might actually be able to kill them, and that would leave a bad taste in his mouth. Assuming he could still taste.

A few more pitch-black rays were handily deflected this way or that, or outright absorbed. The problem wasn't the power per se, and she seemed to have some experience fighting 'creatures of darkness', but there was a lack of finesse that made the attacks easy to dissipate. Like the energy was in such a tenuous state that it was almost eager to turn on itself and sputter out.

It was getting tiring, on the both of them it seemed, and Bob's attention waned. He noticed that the crowd of ponies hadn't even poked their heads back out from where they had hid, but that purple... horse, horn, unicorn, that purple unicorn had continued watching the exchange, almost rooted in place. Her eyes still held the glint of study, but also a frantic twitch like she was thinking of some way she could help her goddess.

Speaking of, said goddess is starting to look pretty haggard, and Bob grimaced for a different reason. He was running out of spells that don't have 'Death', 'Kill', or 'Disintegrate' in their names. Time to end it.

“Oi! Purple unicorn whose name is wonderful, I assume, but that I don't know. Do you have tea? Perhaps?” Another blast hits one of his shields and explodes quite spectacularly. “Point me to where you live, go and make some tea for me and Ms. Grumpypants here. We'll be there in a few minutes to talk this out like the peace-loving immortals that we are. Thanks!”

This was turning into an incident, and he once visited a world where every incident was, in the end, resolved peaceably over tea. It was surprisingly successful in his experience, and it was preferable to committing deicide in his first hour here.

Conflict Resolution

Tea should never be this awkward, nor should having tea ever involve so little actual drinking of tea. It didn't help that, despite this being his idea, Bob himself couldn't actually enjoy the pleasures of the warm drink. It was one of the sadder side-effects of having your body reduced to an undead husk, but there are almost always ways around such inconveniences. For instance, he could be affected by magic that made him think he could taste the tea, or experience effects that magically added attributes to the tea. Because magic.

Bob waved a dry hand over his teacup, casting a simple prestidigitation spell to make the tea taste like tea. A little redundant to be sure, but it was the only way. The two others at the table winced as the obvious magic was cast, but seemed to calm down when nothing exploded, or melted, or both.

Between the dark scowl he was getting, and the eager look being quenched by propriety and circumstance, it was obvious this wasn't going to get anywhere.

“Yo. I'm Bob, my full name is Bob, my friends call me Bob, my title is 'That weirdo in the imposing cathedral', and my official profession is undertaker. What are your names?” he asks, but then appends “and don't worry, I'm not a Truenamer, so you don't have to worry about that.”

An uneasy glance is shared between the two equines, fear, exhaustion, confusion. Bob figured that the authority figure would grab the reins opportunity, but the purple unicorn speaks up first. “Uhhh, my name is Twilight Sparkle, and this is Princess Luna. This is… all a little confusing and overwhelming, and I don’t even know what you are, or where you’ve come from, or why Luna says you’re evil… or-”

Bob claps his hands together, patently ignoring the rambling unicorn. “See?! Were introductions so difficult?” He turns to Luna. “Now let me guess, you are the goddess of the night, and the moon. You do a really job at getting the imagery right too. That means... the other god, probably a sibling, probably the god of the sun... You're 'Luna' so they would be... 'Sol' or something?”

Twilight latches onto the chance to explain something she does know, instead of losing her mind not getting answers “No no no, but pretty close! Princess Luna and Princess Celestia rule our land, Equestria, together. Luna is the princess of the night, and Celestia is the princess of the day.”

“Oh...” Bob says a little dejectedly “So which of them is the evil one? Luna here doesn't seem all that bad, all things considered, but sibling gods with opposing spheres of influence is just asking for an eternal rivalry. I also don't think I've ever found an objectively evil sun god.”

Luna's eyes widen. “H-how dare thee, cur! We lovest our sister deeply and wouldst never...” then she gets very quiet.

Silence ~~reins~~ rules again.

Twilight manages to save it this time. “So, you mentioned something earlier, Truenaming was it? I've never heard of it before, what’s that?”

“Oh!” Bob had nearly forgotten how inquisitive this Twilight Sparkle seemed to be. “Truenaming is a kind of magic based around knowing something's name. Not just the name that people use to refer to you, but a name intrinsic to your being. Anyone who knows your true name can use it to affect you, positively or negatively. In cultures with lots of Trunamers, names become the deepest of secrets and strange cultures spawn. If you were one of those cultures, and thought I was a truenamer, you might have burnt me at the stake already! Well, it wouldn't have worked but you would have tried.”

“We would never do something as horrible as that to anypony! But why would you come here if you didn't even know whether or not we would try and... k-kill you?”

“Well, that's because I didn't want to come here, no offense!. Back in my world, I maintain a neutral ground from all the gods, where the dead can be buried without their afterlives being fought over. I've seen the sorts of things that even 'good' gods will do to get their way, and took a hard stance on their intervention. Every once in a while, some upstart god will think they can send me away for good, and banish me to some other plane, or dimension, or world. It never really sticks. Unfortunately, none of the easy ways of getting back seem to be working, and if I don't get back to my cathedral soon, I'll weaken considerably. I made an oath to protect that place, and if I'm not back in three days, my ownership of the place will lapse, the oath will break, and every single god there will try to cement their position as owner. A war will probably break out. Nasty stuff.”

Twilight gasps “A war, between gods? I couldn’t imagine… but you can’t have that many of them, right?”

Luna was being far too quiet, Bob concluded. Even if she was exhausted, saying so little except when prompted or insulted was unusual, and considering her reaction from when they'd first met... it clicked in Bob's mind.

“Oh Luna dear~” Bob slurs happily “are you using telepathy, or a spell, to contact your sister right now?” Sharp intakes of breath and gasps from the involved parties. So many, in fact, that Bob decided to gasp too, just to round it out. “It makes things a little easier I guess. Ahem! I'm going to spend no more than three days attempting to get back to my homeland. I'll make my attempts without harming any creature of these lands, living or dead, and without leaving this town or the area immediately surrounding it. If, after three days have passed, I am still in this land, I will head off to your court without trouble, and we can decide where to go from there. Deal?”

Luna closes her eyes and remains silent for a time. A long time. Bob and Twilight look on expectantly as absolutely nothing of interest happens. Luna's eyes seem to be in motion under her eyelids, and tracking the movement is the only entertainment available for near on ten minutes.

When Luna does finally open her eyes, they remain sharp and hateful. “Our sister and I agree to your terms, monster. For now.”

“Oh wonderful! I mean, you didn't really have a choice in the matter, and I had to use my serious voice, but all's well that ends well! Though I guess the three days technically started when I first arrived. That means I really only have...” Bob pulls up a sleeve and inspects a dried, bare wrist “two days, eighteen hours, twenty-seven minutes! Best get to work then!”

Bob rolls his sleeves up, and briefly waves at the retreating Luna. She's probably leaving to watch him constantly for the next couple days, and he doesn't want to hold her up with any more legalese.

“Twilight Sparkle!” he yells suddenly.

“Uhh... just 'Twilight' is okay, you don't have to be so formal... and what do need?”

“Twilight then! You are very important to me right now. You are my local, the per-pon-INDIVIDUAL on whom I can rely during the coming tribulations. So I ask of you... do you have someplace quiet that I can use to do something that closely approximates sleeping, but does not quite equal sleeping because I don't need to do that? As a correlary, after you provide this place and I get to doing my almost-not-quite-sleeping, I'm going to need you to get precisely eight-and-a-half hours of sleep. You're useless to me if you are dead on your fe-hoo-THIS IS DIFFICULT, JUST DO IT.”

Twilight's brow furrows deeper than it has ever furrowed before, yes, even deeper than when she met Pinkie Pie. Then points a hoof at the door to the basement.

“Just ah, do be careful of some of the machines down there, they took a lot of time to calibrate aaaand you're already down there, and I'm talking to myself.”

=====

Moments later, Twilight Sparkle

Spike bursts through the front-door yelling “Twilight! What the heck is going on?! First Luna is attacking somepony strange, then you shoo me away so you can have a tea party with her?”

“I... I don't really know what's going on yet Spike, but I plan on finding out. Just go to bed, it's what I'm going to do, and the sleep will probably protect our sanity. Probably. For now.”

=====

AND SO THEY DID

Bob was not going to do this in half-measures. Instead of his usual magical arsenal, perfectly tuned for a life of getting randomly assaulted by irate gods, he substituted nearly everything destructive with utilitarian spells. Spells to move, and shape, and create, but never transform, he found transformation magic too despicable to use.

The short amount of time he had to work with was also a worry, but with the help of this Twilight Sparkle and her never-ending and easily bribed lust for knowledge, and the seeming lack of malicious beings that could disrupt him, it seemed like it should all work out for the best.

Eight hours wasted to poring over his spellbook didn't help matters. It was necessary, but boring, and he filled some of that time with planning the spell he would need to figure out just where he was. Normal spells just weren't cutting it, so, Bob concluded, he would have to work with big-boy magic. It was expensive, difficult, and time-consuming, but if this didn't work there would be no point in trying to get back home. Spells used to find things have humongous range compared to spells of teleportation, and even he wasn't powerful enough to pull off a one-way-trip if he couldn't even find where he was going.

The good news was that he was now free of the tedium of preparing his spells, and Twilight Sparkle hadn't spent the night obsessing or cowering instead of doing what he asked. Bob always hated it when they cowered.

If Twilight woke up precisely when he said, and he doubted she would given the night she had, Bob would have just enough time to finish a cram-session on this world's common language. It would mean he didn't have to cast translation spells, which has the dual purpose of keeping him free of extra magic that could complicate the upcoming spell ritual, and freeing up space in his brain to put other spells.

While rifling through various texts in Equestrian to test his proficiency, Bob could appreciate the meticulous way that all the books in this library were arranged. To less intelligent mortals it might seem to be madness, but it seemed to closely resemble the way he arranged his own library. Perfect order. Oh how he missed his library right now.

Then a little, bipedal, purple wyrmling padded down the stairs from the second floor. Their eyes, or almost eyes as the case may be, met and stayed affixed for what seemed like an eternity. ~~It was love at first sight, and they swept eachother up in a heat of passion.~~

It was the cutest thing Bob had ever seen in his life.

Dragons weren't uncommon in Bob's homeland but, being bound as he was to his cathedral, he had few chances to see them, and had never seen a wyrmling outside of books. They definitely shouldn't be this cute.

“N-n-n-now look here monster! I don't know what you are doing here, but Twilight wouldn't want you rooting through her library so just... get out, or... or I'll... I'll... throw you out!” He balls up his cute little fists, and throws cute little punches like the cutest little pugilist. All he needs is a moustache to round the look out.

“I didn't know Twilight owned a pet dragon! Especially one that can talk at that age! Or can all types of dragon here talk, regardless of their age? How old do dragons get here?! Are you old enough to know your first spell yet? It's almost a shame that I'm trying to leave!” Bob is absolutely fevered at this point, and he doesn't need to breathe anyways.

“I'm not a pet! I'm Twilight's number one assistant!”

A clearing of a throat draws the attention to Twilight, her face droopy and mane disheveled.

“We... we were being too loud, weren't we?” Bob says in a tiny tiny voice.

Twilight's voice burbles and cracks like the sound of a ghoul stalking prey in the dark. A largely non-committal affirmation, but effective nonetheless.

Bob responds curtly, sweeping Spike up and under his arm, and using his other hand to pull up the hem of a non existent dress. “Run!” He yells, despite being the only one doing any running.

Twilight blinks lazily in response.

=====

Three Minutes Later, Ponyville Outskirts

Bob finishes his run breathing heavily, for some reason, and plops Spike down onto the ground. It takes him a bit to realize how unnecessary that entire ordeal was, and Twilight is probably going to be pissed in an hour when she wakes up. In doing so, he's also probably managed to alienate his tour guide.

A deep silence wells up that is broken by Spike timidly asking “what was that about me learning spells? Dragons can't cast spells, only unicorns can.”

“Oh pish-posh, there's never been a single place I've been to where dragons can't cast spells. It's some weird cosmic thing. Admittedly I don't usually stay longer than what it takes to do a little research and then jump ship back to my cathedral, but still. Even if you don't know it, the ability is in your blood. Magic is an inseparable part of you, like it is me. Ordinary magic-users wield the arcane like a club whereas you breathe magic, live it. I wield magic and magic is integral to my being. I breathe clubs, clubs of magic.”

“And even if I could, who are you to teach me magic? You look like some horrifying monster! Though I guess Twi didn't seem all that concerned, and Luna was attacking you, but then I guess you were having tea with Luna and Twi last night?”

“Diplomacy tea, yes. As for who I am well... I am an ex-mortal wizard undertaker, who was callously tossed into this dimension by some folks that don't like me very much. I am trying to leave at my earliest convenience, because I have a job back home I'm quite fond of. I won't teach you for free, obviously, but if you have any shed scales laying around they would help me immensely in my goal, and I would consider them payment. Normally wizards can't cast dragon-magic, but I was born with the blood so I can actually teach you.” Another completely unnecessary breath. “Anything else you want to know little wyrmling?” Bob lets his voice hum a little, like he's dealing with a child – which isn't terribly inaccurate.

“I have a name ya know! My name is Spike, not 'wyrmling' and yeah I keep a jar of my old scales right next to my baby teeth. But that's all back in the library, and no way in heck am I going back there for a while!”

“Yeah, I know what you mean l'il buddy. Howsabout you lead me around town instead of Twilight? Well, I say 'lead around town' what I really mean is point me to the nearest place I can get some chalk and gemstones, the more the better!”

“Oh! Rarity has tons of gemstones! I help her find them actually. I'm also pretty sure she keeps some chalk around so she can draw on cloth and then wash it off later.”

Bob seems taken aback. “That's... startlingly convenient! Things never go this well! Well, let's get going then!”

=====

Ten Minutes Later, Carousel Boutique, Spike

“Now Spike! You be a dear and stay down here to watch the shop, while Bob and I discuss personal matters upstairs.” Rarity runs a hoof through her mane nervously.

“No prob Rarity, leave it to me!”

The two of them go upstairs and go into the first door on the right from the sound of it, Rarity's bedroom. Nopony is likely to come around at this time of morning, so I focus on the quiet atmosphere of Ponyville. It's so much more peaceful here than in Canterlot, though I was too young to leave behind many frien-

A girly scream pierces the air, followed by the sound of two bodies rolling around on the hardwood boards of the second floor.

“That's a bit strange...” Spike says to himself “but it's obviously important negotiating if they needed to be alone for it. Then again, maybe they're in trouble? I should at least get a bit closer so I can hear it a bit better. Not that I'm spying on Rarity or anything, because that would be wrong, but I don't know Bob that well yet.” Nopony is around to hear his excuses.

Spike moves from the counter and towards the stairwell only to hear Rarity flopping hard onto her bed. Then the muffled sound of... water? Rarity's bed creaks and her voice rings out, shrill and rhythmic. Then the whole building shakes briefly as the bedposts snap. “Uhhh, Rarity? Bob? Is everything okay up there?” yells Spike.

The door swings open and Bob lopes down the stairwell with a sack of what smells like gems. “Yeah, we're fine. Rarity is uhhh... busy now though. We should leave so we don't bother her anymore.”

“Like, leave right now? But we just got here, and I barely got to see her...”

“Don't worry my little wyrmling buddy, I'll be a nice guy and teach you a spell before you give me those scales. It'll take a couple hours for me to explain it and for you to actually cast it. Then we can go check on Twilight, get those scales, and I'll be able to start my grand escape! Though that raises the question... what do you want to learn?”

=====

Three Hours Later, Ponyville Library

“Look Twi! Bob taught me how to move things like a unicorn can! It's slow and clumsy, but I can really do it! He even gave me a book to teach me how to learn more spells!”

“Yes, I am the most amazing lich you've ever known. Prostrate yourself before me in worship of my awesomeosity.”

Twilight looks at Bob, then Spike, then Bob again. Then she turns a wonderful shade of scarlet. The kind of scarlet that molten rock becomes before i- “YOU TWO ARE IN INDETERMINATELY LARGE AMOUNTS OF TROUBLE. AMOUNTS SO LARGE THAT I CAN’T PROPERLY EXPRESS THEM WITH WORDS.”

Bob raises a finger and opens his mouth in protest, thinks better of it, closes his mouth and thinks. When the idea hits him, his finger is already up to emphasize his epiphany. “Wait! Twilight Sparkle! What if I accidently left a pile of magical tomes from my world laying around, while I run ~~away~~ off to perform the magical scrying ritual whose material components I collected much easier than I expected? THEN, when I get back, if you promise not to swear my demise, we can discuss fundamental magical theory!”

The color of Twilight’s face begins to turn back to normal, by some definition of normal, and she closes her eyes for a moment to consider the offer. On one hoof, extra-cosmic knowledge, on the other hoof, she was quite cross with the two of them. After a few more moments, confident in her decision, she opens her eyes to find Bob replaced by a stack of twenty or so thickly bound tomes.

“BOB!”

=====

Three Dimension Doors Later

“Better than expected!” Bob says to nobody in particular, which is good because he is alone just outside of a forest. He roots through some of his pockets, pockets of holding, to gather some of the gems and dragon scales he would be needing. A simple spell to raise a stone dais from the ground, crush some gems with some scales and muscle-power (which took a very long time to be honest), and the makings of a magical circle began to form.

Three minutes later, and Bob is sitting cross-legged in the center of an elaborate circle of crushed gemstones. Everything is perfect, and he need but say the necessary words and comprehend the infinite.

“Abrakadabra”

It is worth stating that trying to comprehend actual infinity isn’t a task that can be accomplished even with Bob’s massive arcane intellect. Thankfully it isn’t the infinite that he is looking for, but rather a single thing that he holds a deep connection to. The spell was designed to reach arbitrary distances to find a thing.

It fails.

Not spectacularly, but a failure nonetheless. Bob purses what were once his lips in dissatisfaction. He begins to prepare a spell of sending, but realizes that he hasn’t actually met this ‘Celestia’ yet, and so he has to settle for Luna. She definitely won’t like this...

The trip to Canterlot, or rather to the throne room, was relatively quick and painless. Luna responded to the sending spell immediately, teleported out to Ponyville, and then teleported the two of them smack into the center of the opulent court. Bob got his first look at Celestia, and all other comers were barred from the room. Very hush-hush.

Celestia had been glaring at Bob for a good five minutes while Luna went to retrieve someone else that they deemed important to the meeting. It wasn’t long before she returned with another one of those alicorn things.

Luna bellows what could only be a thousand-year old court proclamation from its formality. “WE, THE THREE PRINCESSES OF EQUESTRIA, CELESTIA, LUNA, AND CADENZA HAVE GATHERED TO CONDUCT THE MOST SACRED OF TRIALS. TOGETHER, WE SHALL WEIGH YOUR SOUL AND PASS JUDGMENT!”

Clearing her throat, Celestia continues to the matter at hand in a thankfully quieter voice. “The agreed upon three days have not yet been met. So why is it, Bob, that you have had us gather so early to this meeting?”

“Oh, is THAT what you're upset about? Well anyways, I figured you'd want to get this thing out of the way as quick as possible yeah? Ahem! With the help of Twilight Sparkle, her assistant Spike, and a member of Ponyville named Rarity, I have discovered that there is no feasible way for me to return to my homeland in the allotted time... or ever, really.”

“Oh, is that so? Can you perhaps explain why that might be the case to us?”

Bob hesitates a bit. “Listen, is this okay? I sorta thought this shindig was going to be between me and the gods of this realm. Should there really be a mortal listening in on like, the world-shattering stuff?”

“Pray tell, what mortal are you speaking of? All four of the individuals present are immortal, do you mean to say that there is an eavesdropper on my court?”

“Uhh, I mean that one over there” he points awkwardly at the princess of love “Cadenza you called her? Not a god, and not immortal, which is weird because she totally looks like an Alicorn, and it seems like all gods here are Alicorns. Can an Alicorn not be a god? Is that a thing?”

Luna responds, loudly of course. “HOW DAREST THOU SPEAK SUCH VILE SLANDER! I KNEW THEE WERE EVIL, BUT I KNEW NOT HOW QUICKLY THOU WOULDST SHOW THINE TRUE COLO-” Celestia throws a hoof in front of her sister to quiet her.

“These are severe allegations to be making against a princess of these lands Bob. Very severe. I think, however, that this might be a misunderstanding, and I'll let her prove her own innocence to you. Mi Amore Cadenza, Princess of Love has the floor.”

“Thank you very much auntie.” Cadence turns to regard Bob, with just as much formality as Celestia. “I don't know what means you are using to discern mortals from gods, but I assure you that it is mistaken. I've also just recently returned from a trip to gryphon territory where, by necessity, I was forced to use some rather strong spells to avoid being tracked. It's likely that the remnants of those spells are fouling your tracking, as intended.” She looks a little smug, clearly acting in control of the situation.

Celestia nods curtly then turns back to Bob. “As you can see, this is clearly a misunderstanding. If you drop the issue, I'll make sure not to let this little outburst affect your sentencing.”

A quiet 'hmm' and some hard thinking from Bob precedes his response. “Okay, this is like a trial within a trial now, and I'm a little confused, but I'm not going to back down. I'm right, she's not a god.”

“And what proof do you have of that conclusion? You could say that anypony is a god, or that anypony was evil, and we'd have no way of verifying it.”

Bob frowns. “Uhh, give me a second to think.” Celestia nods an assent, so Bob lets himself fall to the ground to sit cross-legged. He stays that way, thinking, for several minutes before his eye-sockets alight with a plan. “Okay, this Cadenza is the princess of love, so she's the goddess of love, right?” A nod. “As the goddess of love, I can only presume that she can wield it like you wield the sun, or your sister wields the moon, yes?” Another nod. “Well then, the only proof I need is really simple!”

“What proof can you give us that would be sufficient?”

“Oh, I can't give you any proof. I can't prove myself right, because you don't trust me, so anything I do is suspect. In that case, the answer is as simple has having the goddess of love make me fall in love with something!”

“And how will that help? You've proven that you are powerful enough to resist our attacks. What's to keep you from just resisting her attempt to do so? Ignoring entirely the fact that making you fall in love with something is wrong.”

“Okay, it's morally wrong I guess, but I'm the bad guy here so that makes it okay. I'm also willing, which is totally a thing. If she succeeds, I'm wrong and she's right. If she doesn't succeed, you can't trust me anyways, so I'm still wrong but I could be right... Actually, you know what? Nevermind. This is way too much work for me, and I'm not the one that has to deal with the fallout. I'll back off, with the stipulation that I get to say 'I told you so' later.”

“Shall we continue then? Why are you unable to return to your homeworld?”

“It's pretty simple really, I did a little spell that should have told me where my cathedral was in relation to here, and got an 'out-of-range' error.”

“Shouldn't you just use a stronger spell then?”

“No, y'see, my spell doesn't have a maximum range, or a maximum depth. It can see anywhere I choose, at any point in time, in any possible reality or dimension. Not only do I not know how I got here, or how to get back, I don't know where here is. I'm definitely not firing off a teleportation spell under these circumstances, and if my spell to see things doesn't reach, my teleportation sure as heck won't.”

“OR YOU ARE LYING!”

“Or you could be lying. Tell me, Bob. What are you capable of, and what are your intentions if you stay in these lands.”

“Given enough time and resources, I can do nearly anything. I obviously can't do the godly things because I'm not a god. I turned that possibility down thousands of years ago.”

“You were offered godhood?

“Yeah, become a god like Vecna they said! Make your worship based around secrecy so nobody knows to worship you they said! Make magical artifacts based off your body parts, then convince mortals to maim themselves to use them they said! Let me tell you, I'm not becoming a god until I get a unique shtick, and that doesn't mean I'm going to settle for being the only patron god of ukeleles!”

“Ukeleles?”

“History of a misspent youth. Listen, you know you can't stop me even if you wanted to, just have me do a couple hundred years of community service in one of your heavens or temp-job me with this universe's Death for awhile.”

“I think you must be mistaken about some things, Bob, heaven is a metaphor, not a place you can go, and death is a force of nature, not a being you can work for.”

Silence.

“You... don't have a Death to ferry the souls of your worshipers to your heaven? You don't have a heaven?! Do you know what happens to souls without a heaven to go to!? Eternal torment in the wall of screaming souls! WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A HEAVEN!?”

Celestia glances at Luna, who glances at Cadence, then all the glances gravitate back to Celestia. Bolstered by her fellows passing the buck to her, she takes the diplomatic approach.

“Now Bob, it can't really be that bad can it? You're a long way from home, maybe it just works differently here.” A tinge of concern in her voice is drowned out by millennium of being the impartial ruler.

“Nope. Nope, nope, nope, admittedly the wall was Myrkul's idea originally, but that changed when all the gods formed a parliament and started press-ganging Ao into making changes to reality. The wall is as ubiquitous as dragons now, and if you are any kind of benevolent deity you WILL fix this problem RIGHT NOW. Every second you waste listening to me say this, is another soul irrevocably lost to the wall. If it wasn't for my personal affectations, I would be there scraping souls off and storing them anywhere else until you finish making a heaven for them to go to.”

“I'm afraid that I don't think I could make a heaven even if I knew how, and that's neither here nor there. If you'll just calm down, then we can get through this hearing and see what else can be done.”

Bob is practically yelling now. “I'm surrounded by imbeciles! I guess since the easy way is a no-go because everyone is being so uncooperative, I'll have to think of some way to tourniquet the problem! I can't rise to godhood and make my own heaven, I can't destroy the wall or rescue souls as they're taken, I'm pretty sure I can't call in a favor with Ao because it's probably long-distance and I can't pay the roaming charges. I could cure death, but that'll cause a bunch more problems down the line, or I could try and claim an arbitrarily large area as my tomb guardianship and just keep the souls around until SOMEONE GETS OFF THEIR GODLY BEHIND AND MAKES A HEAVEN.”

Bob's frantic stream of thought doesn't inhibit him rummaging through his pockets to produce several linen bags and a large metal medallion. Wisps of arcane power begin to trickle from his eyes and mouth, lending a warble to his voice that thrums with power.

“I don't know if what you are forcing me to do is from stupidity or maliciousness, little godlings, but if you try and stop me from saving the eternal souls of your subjects from slow, agonizing, annihilation, then I. Will. Kill you. You get one warning shot.”

“THOU SHALL NOT BULLY US INTO COMPLACENCE WHILST YOU STEAL AWAY SOULS FOR YOUR FOUL PURPOSES!” Luna bellows.

“Mass Disintegrate” more than being spoken, the words flow outward. Bob extends a bony finger towards one of the walls of the room, and a twenty foot circle of the wall dissolves. Not just the wall,but the wall after it, and after that, and so forth until it reaches the mountain that Canterlot is situated upon.

The mountain doesn't stop it.