Luna’s Communistastical Adventure
with the 1959 Soviet Space Probe Luna-2
by praa
Luna’s Communistastical Adventure with the 1959 Soviet Space Probe Luna-2 is sponsored by Kack RED DETECTOR™. Kack, bringing you the latest cutting-edge technology when it comes to unmasking concealed communists hiding among your friends! We put two ordinary men side by side. One is a normal American. One is a filthy disease-spreading communist. Only Kack RED DETECTOR™ can tell the difference!
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Life on the moon.
Cold.
Lonely.
Unforgiving.
There is something special about waking up with your face in a dusty moon crater every evening for one thousand years (that’s 365,242 evenings, by the way). It's the kind of special that makes mortal ponies ride short buses to mental institutions and wear helmets in the living room.
It’s like solitary confinement, only worse—because in solitary, you can at least scream your lungs out at your imaginary isolation-induced hallucinations of the sun, Celestia, and Discord's missing tooth. Or you could hallucinate about exploding monochrome panels and Spitfire humping you with her vaginista, if you’re into that and your name is Rainbow Dash. Or you could delusionate that you’re in Equestria and never acknowledge the fact that you have hands again.
The possibilities are endless!
But in space,no one can hear you scream.
Another special (in the short-bus way, I mean) thing about the moon is how there’s no air and nothing to eat, and pretty much nothing at all except moon rocks and moldy green cheese. If you were one of those mortal fugbuggars, you would die of starvation long before you suffocated from the distinct lack of argon. And, as you know, dying of starvation is unpleasant because it causes people to call you an anorexic stick and make commercials asking for donations to feed starving children before throwing you in a ditch to die of starvation while they count their ill-gotten, conniving, cruel capitalistic corporate currency.
Luna, however, was immortal, so she couldn’t die of starvation or sudden, jarring tense changes. She couldn’t even deteriorate into a skinny, dusty bag of alicorn bones that would collapse as soon as it got beamed back down by Aegis Scotty.
In fact, she would have outlived the moon despite being the moon in some strange, memorably metaphorical manner that doesn’t really make sense but doesn’t have to because no sense makes sense anyway.
No, what got to her was the sheer ultragnificently mindgrinding boredom of living on the moon for a thousand years with no company (sexualtastic or otherwise).
At first, it was fun to pretend she was still Nightmare Moon, even though she just kind of did that as an April fool’s day prank (one that lasted three months and killed 30,000 ponies due to the war it started. It was all in good fun, Luna had insisted, and I mean really, they were just peasants. Celestia had overreacted just a tad by banishing her to the moon for ten centuries and erasing all trace of her from the history books).
But shouting at moon rocks about eternal night got boring very fast. Kicking moon rocks that resembled Celestia got boring very fast, too. So did bowling, playing baseball, and building scale models of the palace in Canterlot (all with moon rocks). She didn’t dare touch the moldy green cheese, being lamentably lactose intolerant, so that wasn’t even an option.
So eventually, Luna got around to eating moon rocks. This was not a very good idea because eating rocks is bad for you. However, as you may be aware by this point, Luna was not entirely in possession of her full mental faculties anymore due to the fact that she had gone completely insane.
This wasn’t the kind of insane that made you talk about spoons and doomy-doom-doom, either. It was the kind that made you want to catastrophically cut off your limpidly lambastic lunar ‘licorn limbs and bake them into moon rock cupcakes. Luna didn’t have an oven on the moon, though, and she hadn’t figured out how to burn moon rocks for fuel yet.
Did I mention how it’s very cold in space? And it’s the cold that gets you in the end. That and the space spiderses.
One day (or whatever you call time in places that don’t follow the normal day/night cycle of our fair and ultimatastically superior planet Earth), Luna was casually chewing on moon rocks and drooling like an imbecile while plotting how she would create eternal night, ha ha ha! It might also be prudent to mention at this point that after 1,000 years, she was still butthurt about ponies not liking her deviantart scribbles cosmic masterpieces, even though she didn’t actually make them because she was a tracer.
Anyway, Luna’s plot was based on an extremely clever and complex plan, which went like this (she’d scratched it into the surface of the moon with a moon rock):
1) unban self from earth.
2) beat up Celestia.
3) ???
4) ETERNAL NIGHT!!!
Really, it was quite a genius plan, because Luna, using her intimate knowledge of Celestia’s cake consumption rate, had deduced that Celestia would be extremely fat by the time she returned and therefore unable to go super-saiyan to defeat her.
Suddenly, with her enhanced Alicorn Vision™, she spotted a tiny object moving towards her at a speeds exceeding what I do on the highway when there are no oinkers looking. She watched it, mildly interested: nothing had actually happened on the moon for at least a million billion years, or something, so even having a tennis ball thrown at her was interesting compared to her normal routine.
But then Luna remembered that objects are smaller when they are far away (she had forgotten this due to being insane), and noticed that the tiny orb was quickly growing in size. It was not actually a tennis ball, but a large metal sphere of death.
Too early, she realized it was headed right for her, but did nothing because, again, she was loony from spending too much time alone on the moon eating moon rocks and getting irradiated by space. It crashed into her like a drunk driver crashing into a guardrail, except that it wasn’t drunk and wasn’t in a car, and Luna wasn’t a guardrail.
“WHAT IS THIS FASCINATING DEVICE,” Luna boomed in the Royal Canterlot Voice as she examined the sleek (not really) sphere pinning her to the ground.
It was big and circular and made entirely of metal, like the Death Star. It was heavy like Sabbath and shiny like Edward Cullen, but 100% less emasculated than Twilight because of the huge phallic antenna coming out of the top. So it was kind of just Sabbath-like, really, except shinier and more manly. Like Justin Bieber inverted. Yes, it was so rugged and badass-looking you could practically hear the riff fromIron Man playing just from looking at it.
“МЫ ЛУНА-2, ТОВАРИЩ,” it replied in the People’s Commissar Voice.
“WE ARE ALSO LUNA,” said Luna.
Luna-2 declared:
“БУРЖУАЗИЯ ПОКАЗАЛА, КАК ЭТО СЛУЧИЛОСЬ, ЧТО ГРУБОЕ ПРОЯВЛЕНИЕ СИЛЫ В СРЕДНИЕ ВЕКА, КОТОРАЯ РЕАКЦИОНЕРОВ ТАКОЕ ВОСХИЩЕНИЕ, НАХОДИЛО СЕБЕ ЕСТЕСТВЕННОЕ ДОПОЛНЕНИЕ В ЛЕНИ И НЕПОДВИЖНОСТИ. ОН БЫЛ ПЕРВЫМ, ЧТОБЫ ПОКАЗАТЬ, ЧТО ДЕЯТЕЛЬНОСТЬ ЧЕЛОВЕКА МОЖЕТ ПРИВЕСТИ. ОНА СОЗДАЛА ЧУДЕСА ДАЛЕКО, ЧЕМ ЕГИПЕТСКИЕ ПИРАМИДЫ, РИМСКИЕ ВОДОПРОВОДЫ И ГОТИЧЕСКИЕ СОБОРЫ, ОНА СОВЕРШИЛА СОВСЕМ ИНЫЕ ПОХОДЫ, КОТОРЫЕ СТАВЯТ В ТЕНИ ВЕСЬ БЫВШИЙ ИСХОД НАРОДОВ И КРЕСТОВЫЕ ПОХОДЫ.”
Luna raised an eyebrow.“THAT IS INDEED FASCINATING. WE ARE THE PRIN... ER, GUARDIAN OF THE MOON. THERE IS NOTHING ROYAL ABOUT US AT ALL. WE ARE VERY PRO-PROLETARIAT.”
“ИЗ ВСЕХ КЛАССОВ, КОТОРЫЕ ПРОТИВОСТОЯТ ТЕПЕРЬ БУРЖУАЗИИ СЕГОДНЯ, ТОЛЬКО ПРОЛЕТАРИАТ ПРЕДСТАВЛЯЕТ СОБОЙ ДЕЙСТВИТЕЛЬНО РЕВОЛЮЦИОННЫЙ КЛАСС,” said Luna-2.
“WHY YES, WE ALSO LIKE DOUBLED FUN AND LONG WALKS ON THE HUMBOLT CRATER. BUT YOU MUST TELL US OF THIS ‘COMMUNIST REVOLUTION’. IT SOUNDS QUITE FASCINATING.”
So Luna-2 told Luna a bunch of filthy, dirty commie lies about Russia. It said that the Soviet Union was a great and awesome place where everyone was communistastically equal and there was free healthcare, when in fact it was actually a cesspit, and everyone was just communistastically drunk all the time because the Stalincare system consisted of giving sick people lots and lots of bullets in their skulls to make them stop bitching permanently.
Luna, though, was not rational like you or I, and thus was not able to see through this socialist sewage. She was insane from eating moon rocks for 1,000 years because moon rocks are high in something that causes insanity. For this reason, she bought into Luna-2’s slavic socialist rhetoric.
After hearing about the whatever revolution of whenever and whoever, and watching that scene in Battleship Potemkin where the baby carriage rolls down the staircase and everybody is getting slaughtered, Luna was fantastically and fully filled with the glorioustastic spirit of communism.
Remembering how Celestia had always favored the capitalist pigs, she felt ready to go out and righteously, gloriously stir up revolution amongst the ponies people.
“ЭТО РУССКИЙ!” she declared in communist-ese.
It was then, as she stared at Luna-2, that Luna suddenly noticed how socialistically sexy and communistically captivating the soviet space probe was. Because space is so cold, her you-know-what was frozen shut. But she figured if Luna-2 made a rough enough landing it would all be fine.
She began to get very spacially heated, if you know what I mean, while thinking about soviet space probe sex and communistastically glorious socialistic medicare programs run by half-black men allegedly born in mud huts in Africa.
“WE HEREBY INVITE YOU TO PROBE OUR [not safe for Woona-2], LUNA-2,” announced Luna in a superbly sexy socialist simper.“PLEASE RAM YOUR FLAGPOLE INTO OUR MOON CRATER AND COLONIZE OUR OPEN SPACE.”
Luna-2 became epically erotically excited and sent a lot of obscene transmissions back to Moscow to tell Lunas 3 through 24 that it was going to get laid. However, due to the fact that communists hate free speech and America and small children, it was silenced. Liberal scum, think about this: if the commies had won, we wouldn’t have My Little Pony, because we would all be filthy pinko drones farming rocks for Josef Stalin’s preserved genitalia.
Do you want to work for Josef Stalin’s preserved genitalia? Do you?
“YES WE DO,” said Luna, because this was the correct answer.
Extremely turned on by this display of communistic People’s revolutionaryistic gloryism (because commies are communistsexual freaks who sell their souls to Lord Satan Jesus and promote the gay), Luna-2 showed Luna its huge rod (the antenna, you sick pervert) and proceeded to do a lot of things the Russians probably never intended for it to do with said rod. Such as using it as a penis for sex.
“OH LUNA-2, FILL US WITH THE GLORIOUS SPIRIT OF THE PEOPLE’S REVOLUTION!” the newly something-thed Commissar of the Moon cried as Luna-2 spread the spirit of socialism in a singularly shameless stroke of stupefyingly stunning soviet steel space study cyborg screwing slutty selene steed ssecnirp sexual communistic congress.
Then Luna-2 sent some transmissions into Luna’s moon cavern, if you know what I mean, and Luna had some glorioustastic epiphanies about the nature of communism via commugasms (remember, fillies and colts: communists are not sexually normal). And everything was glorioustastical like the revolution. The seeds of the revolution were planted within the great body and nurtured by the something something if you know what I mean pun goes here.
They smoked some moon rock cigarettes (Note: delete this scene, Para. Cigarettes are deadly lung cancertastic poison and you should not glorify them like the revolutastical revolution) together in their moon rock bed and talked about how to spread communism globally like the deadly metastatic communoma tumor it is.
“Oh yes,” said Luna, suddenly remembering that she was an immortal alicorn with control over the moon and some other things even though she was also a Comrade and a member of the bastardly Bolshevik barty by virtue of sexualtasticism. “I could probably help with that.”
It was the dawn of the Summer Sun Celebration. Everypony was waiting for Princess Celestia to make her appearance and raise the sun like the capitalist sun-controlling scumpig she was on the inside. But when they pulled back the curtain on the balcony, it was...
“Nightmare Moon!” Twilight Sparkle accused like the—
“Nope!” Luna interrupted. “We are Comrade Luna, Friend of the People!”
“What?”
Luna blew off the roof of the town hall, causing thousands of bits in damage and killing several ponies outside. It began raining copies ofThe Communist Manifesto into the building. The ponies who picked up the manifesto were instantly infected with the incurable virus of horrific evil and death and destruction that is communistasticalism.
“For the motherland!” shouted Rainbow Dash. She then did ten sonic rainbooms in a row all around the world, using the sheer power of communist glory to fuel her epic journey. When she came back, she had transformed into Socialist Rainbow Dash, who was exactly like normal Rainbow Dash except that she left communism, free healthcare, and economic ruin behind her instead of rainbows when she flew.
The only pony who was just too capitalistastically capitalistic to be converted was Twilight Sparkle. Twilight stood in the middle of the town hall and yelled, “This whole story is completely insane! We’re supposed to be learning about friendship, not communis—”
Sadly, she was unable to finish her statement because she was hit by Luna-2 when it came down from the sky like a meteorite, breaking every bone in her frail unicorn body and rendering her brain-dead forever.
But it didn’t kill her, because this is My Little Pony, and killing innocent marshmallow ponies is bad, even if they are capitalist pigs exploiting the proletariat. Lunacare and your tax bits will pay for her medical expenses/the tropical vacations of whoever’s stealing from the bits allocated for her medical expenses; fear not.
“Onward, comrades!” Luna cried.
She led The People out of the town hall, after they beat up the mayor for no good reason other than that she was a capitalistastic target—and also, the mayor was a bad pony in ways you don’t even want to know about—and tore down all the statues in Ponyville, even the ones unrelated to capitalism.
Then they moved on to Canterlot. They had some trouble getting Luna-2 there, since it weighed 860 pounds (No, really—look it up on Wikipedia) and had to be rolled by Big Macintosh. On the other hand, it kept Luna sensationally and socialistically satisfied with its antenna (don't think about it) and it turned out to have a wide selection of revolutionary anthems included by the Soviet Union in case it came across an alien race that happened to be under the cruel thumb of capitalist oppression. Also, it could make some pretty catchy techno beats on its own.
But what was I saying? Oh, right. It wasn't long before the Communist Party of Equestria™ reached Canterlot. And when they got there, they tore down all the statues there too, because statues are bad.
Yes, bad. They take up valuable space that could be used for things like argon, which in turn compresses the atmosphere and makes it feel very unhappy. Your lungs need argon to breathe and make oxygen so that the whales can survive the nuclear holocaust. Do you want there to be nothing left but cockroaches? Save the whales or else dirty communistastic cockroaches will collectively invade your home and fill it with international communist argon.
But do you know what's worse than statues and nuked whales and makes the atmosphere feel even more unhappy?
The fact that you don't have a Kack RED DETECTOR™!
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“Princess!” Flash Sentry cried, skidding into the gold-plated, diamond-studded Canterlot throne room like the waifu-rustling pile of cancer he was and still is. “There's an army of ponies outside demanding equal wages and the liberation of the proletariat! I'm scared!”
He then pissed himself with fear, because he is a filthy, reprehensible, republican pig of remarkable and near-unbelievable proportions, and also a waifu thief. While Flash Sentry bravely ranaway like the cowardly proletariat-exploiting capitalista that he is and will always be, Princess Celestia put aside the cake that she had stolen from The People and went to her balcony, where she had looked down on the suffering of the workers for a thousand years.
There, her eardrums were blown out by the sound of every single pony in Equestria (except for the traitors and capitalist scum that had already been imprisoned in gulags or crushed by falling communist devices) over 9,000 pones chanting slogans in communist-ese, as well as the noise of her Kack brand RED DETECTORs all going off at once due to the excessive communist presence.
Naked gay pride parades were being held in the streets. Minorities were voicing opinions without fear of reprisal. Tumblr had been created and whales were already swimming in it. Putin was riding a bear through the scene, half-naked and showing off his awesomely amazing abdominal abs. Luna and Luna-2 were making sweet love in the sky and it was raining baby communist alicorns.
“Oh dear god,” Celestia said, unable to hear herself because she was now permanently deaf. “I don’t even want to deal with this, nor do I want to know how it came about or what it concerns. Fuck this entire world.”
She then went into her private chambers, packed a suitcase, and promptly left the universe to go smoke weed until things calmed down. On her way out, she ran into Twilight Sparkle, her most faithful student.
Due to her ESP tubes being clogged with cake, Celestia was unable to sense the intellectual expiration of her prodigiously privileged protege until quite some time after it occurred. Well, actually, she didn't sense it at all; she kind of figured out that something bad had happened based on the fact that Twilight was a ghastly ghost when they met.
“My soul was squeezed out by an 860 pound ball of steel death that fell on me from the sky,” Twilight explained gloomily. “And then my soul was deported from Equestria because religion is the opiate of the masses, and drugs are illegal now.”
“Damn it, Twilight,” sighed Celestia. “Now I have to get out the necromancy books. Why must you be so clumsy all the time?”
“Sorry, Princess Celestia. Please don’t exorcise me back to capitaghostic kindergarten.”
“It’s alright. We’ll go stay with my parents and you’ll get me pregnant while we’re both drunk, and my parents will insist that you marry me, and when the baby comes out with FAS we’ll name it radigeR. I’ve always found you almost moderately attractive when I get drunk anyway. Come, Twilight. Let us depart this world.”
“Thank you, Princess! Thank you!”
And they lived happily ever after in a dictatorship of their own. A dictatorship of love.
Leaving a swath of violence, destruction, and general mayhem in their wake, the dirty communists of the New Lunar People's Socialist Republic of Equestria liberated the entirety of Equestria from the vicious iron hoof of capitalist oppression. And when I say liberated, I actually mean that they razed half the country, converted all the mentally handicapped landwhales tumblr users into socialists, tore down statues, conserved argon, and beat up aging government officials.
Luna-2 sent transmissions of this carnage back to Moscow as it and Luna watched the world burn the proletariat win their freedom at long last. Nikita Khrushchev cried tears of pure 120 proof Russian bathtub vodka at the sight. He promptly ordered the footage to be sent to Dwight D. Eisenhower with the accompanying message “Fuck you, we colonized wherever the hell this is first”. Then the US government covered it up, because they do that a lot.
1,000 years later, Equestria was still ruled by Luna and Luna-2 in a communist dictatorship based on the principles of socialism, friendship, moon rocks, argon, and alicorn babies. They are your friends, and you should be their friends too, or else you will go to a gulag, comrade.
Everypony had affordable health care, housing, and stable employment. There was no crime, no abuse, no depression, no hate, no racism, nothing that could possibly mar the utopia Luna and Luna-2 had created. Nothing. Then the whales became fascists and invaded Equestria for Lebensargon. This was incredibly stupid because whales die outside of water and don’t need argon to survive anyway.
And that was how the glorioustastic communist revolution came to Equestria.
Yes, this story is all too common. Don’t let it become your story too! Keep your democracy safe with Kack RED DETECTOR™!
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